Original subtitles

You're about to hear one of the strangest stories in military history.

I know because it happened to me, Captain Jason Briggs, Army career man

years, no visible scars.

At least until that day we were flying some 30 ,000 feet over a very empty

section of the Blue Pacific.

Along for the ride was Sergeant Ben Healy, my second command since I was

stationed in Seoul.

A good tough man, but a royal pain in the ass, sometimes.

Corporal Buzz Brannigan was up front at the controls, helping me escort three of

the sorriest excuses for soldiers it had ever been my displeasure to meet.

Private Wilbur Tabowski, or Turbo as the others called him. To me, he was just

another prisoner headed for military court in San Diego.

They said Private Wayne Kincaid was the brain, but the kid looked as lost as his

cohorts. Like Turbo, he was facing charges for going AWOL.

And finally there was Schemer, a pathetic shiftless recruit who certainly

up to his name.

According to the report from Honolulu Command, he was the mastermind behind

theft of the tank that got Turbo and the brain in hot water.

Little did we know that we were all about to find ourselves in hot water

little hope for survival.

What's going on?

I wouldn't get your hopes up, John.

According to the map, this place doesn't even exist.

What are you saying, Lieutenant?

What I'm saying is this island is completely uncharted.

Well, men, we made it back to good old terra firma, no matter what your charts

say. Hey, Cap, look!

It's our stop!

How'd it get here?

The same way we did, that weird current.

What do we do now, sir?

First things first.

Let's see what kind of supplies survive the crack.

Hopefully there's something we can use.

Oh, hey, we got a first aid kit.

And pay rations.

And weapons.

And playpen. This is something we can really use.

Here's what I've been looking for.

Transmitter. Things still works?

The batteries are still okay.

Hey, look!

What?

I thought I saw something.

Where? There, in the cave.

What was it?

I'm not sure.

Whatever it was, I'll play you down.

Hold it, Sergeant.

We're too low on ammo for you to waste it.

That's an order.

What did this thing look like?

I know it's going to sound crazy, but it looked like a... Nah, it couldn't

have been.

It must be my imagination.

Kincaid.

Yes, Captain.

How's Buzz?

Why don't you ask him, sir?

How you doing, soldier?

Hey, okay, Cap.

One thing.

What? Sure could use a smoke.

There you go, buddy.

What are his chances?

Not good.

We've got to move him inland, get him out of the sun.

Private, grab some weapons.

Healy, give us a hand.

Okay, Kate, I want you to find a lookout.

Right down there.

Come on, let's go.

It's all clear.

Bring her around.

Wayne, stay here with Buzz and do what you can for him.

We'll scout around and see if we can find something to make a stretcher.

Let's go.

I haven't seen anything like them.

Probably poison.

Why don't you take a bite and find out, Sarge? Why don't you bite my ass,

schemer? You know, according to my map, the spot that we're looking for should

be right over here.

Is everything a joke to you, son?

Just my career, sir.

It won't be after this mission.

Why did you join this man's army in the first place? All you do is bit.

I thought it would be more like Hogan's Heroes or F Troop.

Besides, I heard you get laid a lot. You do?

Captain, are you sure arming these men is such a good idea?

They are under house arrest.

There's no telling what we'll run into.

Captain, can we take a break?

What's your problem now?

I gotta go to the can.

Fall out, man.

Fall down is more like it.

Have you got any water left?

On your feet, man. Stay alert.

Five bucks says he caught himself in a zipper.

Captain!

Oh, Captain!

We're on the way in here. Yeah.

Those aren't waves crashing, Schemer.

Sounds more like splashing.

It's coming from over there.

Yabba -dabba -doo.

What did I tell you?

Well, they saw our famous A -type picture, and they came up out of the

Check out the hooters on those bays. This beats K -rations.

What the hell was that? All right, back to the beach, double time.

You all right, Lieutenant?

Yeah, I think so.

Guys, what about them?

I say we introduce ourselves.

Not so fast, Schemer. These women are savage.

I'm counting on you. Sergeant Wright, we may not be welcome.

Who cares? We're the Army.

Uncle Sam expects a certain amount of cavorting and pillaging.

Surrender. You speak English.

Surrender or die.

You speak English very well.

Which one of you is Uncle Sam?

Uncle Sam?

The leader you spoke of.

What do you want him for?

We want to kill him.

Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten us into, Sam.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

I'm the leader of this unit.

Captain Jason Briggs, United States Army.

I do not know these words you speak.

You are men.

Are you not?

Well, I can't speak for everybody, but I'm all man.

You must come with us.

Excuse me, you don't give orders here. I do.

What's so funny? Men giving orders.

Everyone knows you are brainless beasts.

Sticks and stones will break our bones, but names can never hurt us. We have

sticks and stones.

Let's break some bones.

Hold it, Healy.

We'll go peacefully.

When I give one of my soldiers a direct order, I expect it to be followed.

Understood? Yes, sir.

It's just that ever since I was a little kid, I've always been afraid of

anything.

Begging your pardon, Captain.

Why did you surrender so easily?

These women know their way around the island.

We may need their help to get on. You can say that again.

Wouldn't you love that?

Unbelievable.

Amazing. I've been wondering what the dog was doing with all those bones.

Go! Go!

Yes, ma 'am. Gentlemen, let's just see.

Sir, can you make a... First, I want to find a piece of metal, please.

You got me, turtle.

Ask him, Kate. I can't explain it either.

I mean, it could be we just landed on some piece of rock that time just simply

forgot. You mean... Yes!

This could be...

Dun, dun, dun.

Dinosaur Island.

Look alive, man.

Move along, move along. The thunderbeats will not hurt you.

They only feed on leaves.

Come along, come along.

Bet they make great pets, too, once you get them housebroken.

Right, John. This is Club Med.

If anybody wants me, I'll be by the pool.

Do not move.

I'll put my fear in you.

Sounds a little kinky, but hey, I'll try anything once. What's going to happen

to us?

That is for Queen Morgana to decide.

This will decide what happens to me.

Queen? Move.

Go. Go.

who dares enter my domain.

We are soldiers, Your Majesty.

Soldiers?

Yes, like your warriors.

Impossible. You're too small and fleshy to be warriors, or men, for that matter.

Now, wait just a minute.

Take away their fire spears.

Oh, mighty queen, if they are warriors... Perhaps they've been sent to

reason. And what reason would that be, Princess?

Maybe they can save us from the Great One.

Jackie Gleeson? Do you actually believe that these puny creatures could succeed

where our forefathers have failed?

No, my queen, I don't.

Take these worthless fools from my sight.

Put them to work in the pit.

Isn't that the barbecue coming up?

I remember a little place in Patterson, New Jersey called the Pit Stop. A great

little bar.

I bet this pit won't be as much fun.

That's where you spend the rest of your life in pain. That's what they said in

Patterson.

You know, actually, we had nothing to do with it. Captain Briggs.

Kind of crazy, you know.

It's you.

The Jew? I resemble that remark.

It's you.

Me?

You bear the mark.

The one we've been waiting for.

Our savior.

Right. It's me.

I'm here.

Yeah. I'm here. I get the mark and...

I'm here. It's me.

Why do these men still live?

Because they are not men, Queen.

They are gods.

This one has the mark.

Courtesy of Winray's tattoos, Deuce and Broadway.

A trick.

Summon the soothsayer. We shall let her decide.

Ask your bones whether or not these creatures possess magic.

It is true, Your Highness. These are the gods predicted in the sacred scroll.

Sacred scroll?

It is said in the midst of a terrible famine, the ocean would open up and out

would come five strange and one god.

I've been called strange. I've got dibs on wonderful.

And my tummy's been growling ever since I got here.

They would wear foreign robes and provide us with food.

Tic -tac?

But most importantly, among them there will be one who the yellow sun smiles

His magic would be the most powerful of all, for he will be the one who will be

the savior that will deliver us from the Great One. Hey, I only deliver within a

one -mile radius of my house. Schemer!

My people are starving. I refuse to place their fate in the hands of these

-called gods.

Hey, Queenie, don't be such a sourpuss. Your savior's here.

Put on a happy face.

Where are you taking us to?

We must prepare you for battle.

Hey, is that spear loaded?

Look at her.

One,

two, three, four, five, six. We don't ever have to lose you.

Would you mind rubbing a little lower?

Ah, that's it. Perfect.

This should be basic training, Skima. You can say that again.

Speaking of which, we're two gods short.

Let's give it a try.

This is Sergeant Healy of the United States Army.

This is an SOS.

Does anybody read me? Come in.

Over.

You know, you girls never even told us your names.

Our names cannot be spoken in your language.

Our language? You speak English.

But it is not our native tongue. It was taught to us by missionaries who landed

here many moons ago.

Missionaries? They came from the sea, just as you did.

At first, we thought they too were gods.

What happened to them?

They went into the jungle to slay the Great One.

And?

And never came back.

No use, Captain.

The signal's not being picked up.

We're going to have to broadcast from higher ground.

Let's wrap it up.

What the... We thought you might need your fire spews.

We will await word of your victory.

I'm dedicating our victory to you.

Wait, this is silly. We've got to call you something.

I know. From now on, you're Miss April, Miss May, and Miss June.

April, May, June? What do these names mean?

This will explain everything.

What is it?

Our sacred scroll.

Is it magic?

You have no idea.

Now, study it hard, because we will be giving you a pop quiz later on.

We were going downhill for a while. Because the girl said to follow the sun

leagues past the flowery gnoll. Yeah, and then what? What do you mean? I mean,

what's our plan?

We kill the Great One and come back conquering Europe. You think it's that

simple? Absolutely.

I don't know, John. I mean, you saw what that thing did to Buzz.

Look! It's the worst creature of all.

The Stardessaurus.

Boy, am I glad to see you guys. Jesus Christ.

What are you guys doing here?

Trying to signal the rescue party.

Rescue party?

You don't get it, do you? If we get rescued, the party's over. Party?

What the hell is he talking about? And how did you get our weapons back?

The women think we're gods.

And all we have to do is kill the great one to prove ourselves.

You gotta be kidding.

Periboh here couldn't even kill a garter snake, let alone a dinosaur.

But if we do...

We could spend the rest of our lives living in paradise.

I hate to disappoint you, but you three are going back to jail, and I'm going to

put you there.

You getting anything, Sergeant?

Just a hiss.

Nothing but static.

I hear a tube, but it doesn't sound like static.

And I don't think it's coming from the radio.

Where is it coming from?

I do not understand.

How is it possible for a god to die?

His magic must not have been very powerful.

The important thing is that they have slain the Great One.

The Queen will be very pleased.

This is called for a celebration.

No, not yet. First we have to bury our dead.

What's your angle?

What are you talking about?

You never gave a shit about Ely. Why the sudden change of heart?

Captain's right, John. I mean, you always thought he was a jerk.

But he was our jerk.

What is this place?

It is heaven.

Heaven? That is the word the missionaries taught us.

It means the place you go after you die.

It's a burial ground.

You had a load of that.

Coming right out of King Kong.

Captain, wouldn't it be easier to bury him at sea?

Wayne, how's your arm?

It's okay, sir.

Give it a rest.

I'm fine.

That's an order.

Herbo, take over.

Come on, let's put some muscle in it.

You are in pain?

Just give me a bullet to bite on and I'll be fine.

I do not understand.

Yeah, I'm in pain.

And eating a bullet will help?

I don't think anything on this island is going to help.

What about me?

You?

Come.

Hey, Captain.

My arm's starting to hurt.

Dig.

What are you doing?

I'm healing you. You could have fooled me.

It's the water. It's making my arm burn.

My

God.

It's like it was never there.

How can I ever thank you?

Teach me page 34.

Page 34.

Oh, in the magazine? Mm -hmm. Oh.

Well, uh... It starts something like this.

No, no, no. Hold still.

Page 34.

Page 34.

Page 34.

May

Almighty God have

mercy on his soul.

Amen. Where have you been?

I'll explain it to you when I understand it.

Come, sisters.

We must bring word of the Great One's death to the Queen.

We'll meet you back at the village.

All right, men, let's put the gate in.

So much for the great one.

Take a good long look, ladies.

It's wonderful.

A miracle.

This meat will feed many mouths.

But where's the great one?

Where's the what?

We thought that... Isn't that... This is just a beast of armor.

Oh, no.

And a baby one at that.

Oh, no.

The great one is ten times as big.

What was that?

The great one.

Oh, boy.

Don't worry. We'll take care of the great one just like we took care of this

guy.

That's not going to be so easy without ammunition.

Boys, we're fresh out.

You failed, proving once and for all you're frauds, not gods, but mere men.

Not so fast, Queenie. Aren't you forgetting something?

What? The first part of the prophecy.

We produce food in the middle of a famine.

They're right, Morgana. The beast of armor will feed the entire village for a

week. Nevertheless, I am the lawgiver, and I say that these men can bring only

harm to the village.

They must all die.

No! You dare challenge your queen?

April is right. Right. These men have done us no evil.

Only helped us in our struggle to survive. My command will still be

immediately. No.

As written in the sacred scroll, I challenge thee to Om Ma Pa.

Om Ma Pa Pa?

Om Ma Pa.

I've heard of it, John. The Druids used it to oppose the laws of their leaders.

Very well, then. As it is written, so shall it be.

We fight this night in the circle of power.

If you win, the men will be spared.

But if you lose, you, your traitorous sisters, and these pitiful warriors will

all suffer a fiery death in the pits.

Well, Your Majesty, since this is a...

Come on down, Captain. Offer only good while supplies last.

No thanks.

What about him?

He's upset because the transmitter was destroyed.

Oh, that's a real shame. It looks like we're stuck on this island with a bunch

of beautiful women for the rest of our lives.

What about the great one stuck within?

And it's not going to be easy killing him with no ammo.

You're right, John.

I mean, what's going to happen to us once the girls find out the truth?

I'll tell you what's going to happen.

We're going to end up at the bottom of that pit everyone's been talking about.

That's why our first order of business is to end this family.

Yeah, but how are we going to do that?

You mean, how are you going to do that?

Me?

Why me?

They don't call you Wayne the Brain for nothing.

You mean to tell me that no fruit -bearing plants will grow here on the

Oh, yes.

We have tried and succeeded.

Only the food is always devoured before we can harvest it.

By the great one?

No, by the small ones.

The small ones?

Oh,

gross.

Come on. I got an idea.

Making a pesticide.

Pesticide?

Yeah, it's sort of like a potion that will help to protect your harvest.

Impossible. Magic is useless against the small ones.

This isn't magic. This is chemistry.

What is chemistry?

Here, I'll show you.

All right, I'm taking a little iodine. Okay.

I mix this with mosquito repellent.

Then I dilute it with water.

And finally, I add my secret ingredient.

It smells awful.

What is it?

No, Schemer's aftershave.

Will it really keep the small ones away from our top?

I don't see why not. It keeps the women away from Schumer.

April, what's your favorite food?

I love pterodactyl. Why?

Because I was thinking maybe we could go out for dinner tonight.

But we eat out every night.

I don't mean outside.

I mean out on a date.

What is a date?

It's when two people want to be alone together.

But how can we be alone and together at the same time?

I mean we'll be by ourselves.

For what reason?

So we can get to know each other.

So you can learn my turn -ons and turn -offs?

Who taught you those words?

I have been studying your sacred scroll.

What do you think of it? Oh, it is very wise, but I do not understand one thing.

What is a kiss?

I'll show you tonight.

Tell me why we're doing this again. Because pterodactyl is April's favorite

food.

It doesn't slither, does it? No, it flies.

And there it is.

Oh, that thing has scales. I'm out of here.

All right, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.

Yerbo, you have got to get over this fear of yours. If you won't do it for

yourself, do it for June.

I don't want to impress June.

Creepy, crawly things don't scare me half as much as she does.

I know she's kind of tough, but it's not what I'm talking about, Steamer.

What are you talking about?

I don't exactly have a lot of experience with girls.

You mean you're still... Cherry?

Sorry, I just figured a big, strong guy like you...

Girls take one look at me and they get scared.

I don't blame them, though.

I don't want to go out with a Neanderthal like me.

A cavewoman's a pretty safe bet.

Besides, I think June is kind of the old -fashioned type. I don't think sloping

foreheads or knuckles that drag on the ground are a problem for her.

What if I'm bad?

Turbo, there aren't any other men on this island.

Chances are she won't know the difference.

you go get another one.

I think I saw one on the hill over here.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, where's my aftershave?

Oh, sorry, John. I needed it to make a pesticide. It better work. We're almost

out of dinosaur meat.

And whose fault is that?

Schemer, tell the captain to stop picking on me. Look, I don't have time

this. Well, actually, you do. I did some tests on the water around here.

Just give me the condensed version.

Well, the water's volcanic origin gives it amazing regenerative powers.

Belonged intake may actually make the body younger and healthier forever.

That explains your quick healing and why these dinosaurs are still roaming the

island. Yeah, nobody bothered to tell them they're extinct.

Well, it also means these women are a lot older than we think. I mean, they

could be one, two, even 3 ,000 years old.

Hey, I've always had a thing for older women, so if you gentlemen will excuse

me, I've got a date with the hottest prehistoric babe I've ever met.

How's your pterodactyl? I caught it myself.

Oh, how brave.

I'm not sure.

It tastes a little like turtle.

You know, this place has really gone downhill since the new chef took over.

I like turtle.

But you, you're not eating.

Me? I had a late lunch.

But aren't you still hungry?

Not really.

Well, then why did you try to press your lips to mine?

You asked me to show you what a kiss was.

You'll like it. I promise.

Did the earth move?

It did for me.

Dear God! The Great One!

Hey, I haven't even taken it out yet.

Would have kicked his ass.

You know, this would make a great condo. We could settle down.

No, no, this is a terrible place. We must go no further.

Why's that? Got plenty of room, hot and cold running slime.

Look at this.

Just my luck.

Cold.

Don't wet yourself, sweetheart. I just need a couple more gold nuggets to make

the down payment on that little Malibu beach house I had my eye on.

But the beast of the cave, surely it will hear us.

Beast?

You didn't say anything about a beast.

You wouldn't let me.

What does he look like?

Sounds like two words.

Home with me.

You are the one called Captain.

Are you not?

What the hell's going on here?

Our culture has an ancient proverb that says, my enemy's enemy is my friend.

I have been observing you. I believe you to be such a person.

Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you since we got stranded here.

And if I could provide you with a way off the island, you would take the

with you, would you not?

You can count on it.

Many moons ago, a great silver bird crashed into the ocean. A crate filled

strange objects washed ashore.

What kind of objects?

Objects I'd never seen before.

But one of them parried voices from far away.

You have a transmitter?

The voices I heard spoke in a language unlike yours or ours.

Where is this crate?

This map will guide you to where it is buried.

Have you girls got any doubles to go with those beers?

I guess he took a powder.

It is safe.

I wonder what made him so mad.

I think I know.

Wow. Look at the size of that egg.

We must have gotten too close to her nest.

Her? You mean the gray one's a girl?

Let us go. We must not be here when she comes back.

Wait a minute. What about that egg?

What about it?

It'd make one hell of a Denver omelet.

Slow down.

I need a breather.

No, we must hurry. We must.

You must.

I'm taking a breather.

Can I ask you a question?

Shoot. In a few minutes.

Do you know where dinosaur eggs come from?

Doesn't the pterodactyl bring them?

Let me cut to the chase.

But these are not eggs.

I know, but the ovaries are scrambled.

They look like breakfast to me.

in great abundance.

Wow! It's better than all you can eat at its sizzler.

It's truly a miracle.

But how could it have grown so fast?

There's something in that water. Who cares?

Let's eat!

Your magic works.

May, I told you. It's not magic. It's chemistry.

It must be very powerful.

It is.

But there's another kind of chemistry that's even more powerful.

It's the chemistry between two people.

I do not understand.

Well, sometimes when two people meet, they have this effect on each other.

What kind of effect?

Well, for instance, their hearts beat faster.

Will you show me?

I'd love to.

Is this chemistry?

No, this is magic

Look, this fruit is really good.

Is that for me?

Red one, green one.

I'm telling you guys, this cave we found is crawling with gold.

Yeah, and according to April, it's also crawling with monsters.

No big deal. I had him eating spear right out of my hand.

You can have your gold. You will come with us. The queen awaits you in her

throne room.

Again? What now?

I'm booked till four.

Pump.

Come to my attention that the three of you have feelings for these men.

It is true, oh queen.

Is that why you brought us here?

We would like to ask you for your blessing.

My blessing?

April and I want to get married.

But May and I just thought we'd live together first.

And June and I, we just want to go steady.

What you ask is not possible.

Why not?

These girls are the oldest in the village. They're next in line.

For the throne?

For the altar.

That's what we're talking about. Getting a little cave of our own, tar pit in

the backyard, having a couple of Cro -Magnons, becoming fossils together.

Not the altar of marriage, you fool.

The altar of sacrifice.

Sacrifice? Every time the sun crosses the sea and reaches its zenith, we must

sacrifice a virgin to the Great One.

Wait a minute. You mean you actually feed your people to that thing? If I

the beast will come to the village to satisfy its hunger, and then we would

die. Queen Morgana.

Do you really think the Great One cares whether or not it eats a virgin?

It never bothered me before.

It didn't.

It is our way, as is dictated by the sacred scroll.

But that's just ancient superstition. It's the same superstition that has

proclaimed you as gods.

Well, then again, a sacred scroll is a sacred scroll.

Only when you have proven yourselves worthy will I give you my blessing.

How do we do that?

Oh, it's really quite simple.

All you have to do is destroy the Great One.

Just bring me his head, and then you can all live happily ever after.

Destroy the

Great One? While we're at it, why don't we melt the Wicked Witch of the West?

Well, whatever we do, we better do it fast.

I think she was talking about the Spring Equinox, which is only...

Three days away. So now what do we do?

I don't know about you guys, but I've already taken April out of the

competition.

What do you mean? Hey, every schoolboy knows April comes before May or June.

you gotta be kidding me.

Well, I hate to admit it, but... Oh, not you too.

Sorry, big guy. It was too good of an opportunity to pass up.

Oh, so now you're saying it's up to me.

Well, it's a big no -go.

I'm not doing nothing until I'm ready.

But I'm telling you this.

I'm tired of running scared on this island from some big overgrown lizard.

I say it's time I stopped cowering. Kick some monster ass.

You guys with me?

Hey, I'm willing to do whatever it takes. But where are we going to get the

firepower?

Right here, boys.

Now let's nap, too. We've got bigger fish to fry.

I have provided you with the weapons you have requested.

And now it is up to you.

If you do not return within two days, we will have no choice but to sacrifice

one of our own to the Great One.

Don't worry, ma 'am.

We'll be back.

I wish you luck, Captain.

Looks like Griggs is getting engaged.

Even Briggs can get laid on this island.

Let's move it out.

So these missionaries are the ones that taught you to speak English?

Why, yes.

That's it, exactly.

Hey, now what?

Is it harmless like the one we saw before?

Yes, it's a thunder beast.

Harmless. Yeah,

harmless.

So, Schemer, you've seen this great one.

What was it like?

Well, you remember that transvestite hooker the turbo tried to pick up on in

Philippines? Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Well, it was as ugly as that, but bigger and pissed off.

So where does this beauty make its home?

It lives near the big cave.

The one with the gold in it?

Same.

Lead on.

Here's where it gets interesting.

Look at that.

My God.

Think of the cholesterol.

Let's take cover in the cave.

Let's not make a meal out of that, Private.

You will not find the great one in there.

She's much too big.

This looks like a good place to set up camp till it comes back.

Herbo, see if you can find some firewood. Yes, Captain.

The rest of you take cover in the cave.

You never know when Mom will come home.

She's probably just out picking up a few things for dinner.

I'll take her to watch.

Pretty good, huh, Captain?

You've been going private.

It's going to be dark soon.

And I think staying in here is going to be our best bet.

This will keep the riffraff out.

Those big listens still give me the shakes.

You think that's something?

There was this bimbo actress I was dating back in L .A.

What a piece.

Almost married her, too.

Then I got a look at her mother.

Holy mackerel, what a puss on her.

I'd rather look at the great one any day.

They say if you want to know what a girl's going to look like after she's

married, look at her mother.

Is that true, Schemer?

That's what I heard.

Say, June, was your mother pretty?

I bet she was.

Come, let us go for a walk.

Private, let's not walk too far from the light.

Yes, sir.

What are you looking at?

The moon.

It is crossing over the ocean.

Yeah.

You know, if you do not kill the Great One, I will be its next sacrifice.

Oh, you don't have to.

There's another way.

Oh, no.

I could never dishonor my heritage by doing what my sister... You'd rather

yourself to the Great One than to me.

It is true.

I have never known a man before.

Neither have I.

Oh, there was that one time in Manila. What? I mean, I've never known a girl

before. I mean, I've known girls, but I've never known girls.

You know?

Then you were like me.

Yeah.

Scared.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

I'm really scared.

She chased you?

And you ran into... Wait, wait, wait. Skip over that part.

How's it going?

Pretty spooky, Cap. These stones and bones know everything.

She's got them telling my whole life story.

You think that's suitable for mixed company?

Maybe I better change the subject, huh?

Very interesting, Schemer. But I think it's your turn to stand guard duty.

Now go find Turbo and bring him back if you can.

There's certainly no future in that.

You know, trouble with being a regular army is that you're always sticking your

neck out where the girls are sitting comfy back at home.

I'll bet they're kicking back right now with a big bowl of strawberries.

Well, it looks like a no -show.

She's probably out on a fender.

She might not even come back.

She will come back. She's a mother.

I could say that again.

There must be something we can do to bring her around.

Any ideas, Kincaid?

Yeah, Brain. Think of something.

Well, I have an idea that might work, but it's a little risky.

Risky physically or risky financially?

What do you got in mind, Kincaid?

Here. I'll diagram it out for you.

Don't worry, it will.

These days, ass!

And so, by my authority as queen of this island, I now pronounce you caveman and

wife. You may kiss the princess.

Well, schemer, I guess you won't have to face that trial I was taking you back

to. I still got the old ball and chain, if you know what I mean. I guess that's

punishment enough.

Review bed. We had some celebrating of our own to do.

I was a bad boy.

April, is polygamy legal on this island?

Captain, I just wanted to tell you how brave I thought you were in battle.

Well, thank you very much, Your Majesty.

I've never seen a warrior with such strength.

It's too bad you wish to leave us.

It is?

This tribe could use a king.

Well, since you put it that way.

What does this mean?

It means we get to live happily forever after.