Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call it right.

There's no one Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So this wedding should be what I'll do.

Still here.

Who am I speaking to this time?

The manager, eh? Fine.

Well, I ordered at... Oh, you know.

End of the week, but... No, the colour doesn't matter.

Yeah, if you would. Look, I'll phone back for... I don't care what you're

to play.

Bye.

Bye. Good day. Oh, frantic.

Trying to get things squared up before I go.

Two whole weeks without you. That place will collapse.

Was that on the phone?

Me.

Well, I'm not supposed to tell you, but seeing as how you've wormed it out to

me, it was about your wedding present.

Oh, you needn't have bothered.

Why's it off? No, of course not.

I just didn't want you to go to any trouble or expense.

Now she tells me.

What I mean is, with you and Malcolm struggling a bit... Don't, Malcolm.

Don't be funny.

If you mean the Mel's mackerel, we haven't had a struggle for over a month

Well,

I suppose we have got a lot on these days.

But never mind.

It'll be worth it in the end.

We all have our ups and downs.

What's an up?

Oh, that's bad, eh?

Look, Brenda, you're bound to go through bad patches. Me and David have.

But eventually... Oh, look, leave it out, Pamela. If I need an agony answer,

I'll write to you.

But as it is, I'll spell it out for you.

Malcolm Stoneway is my ex with a capital X.

If it's all right by you, I'll bring on a sub for Friday's match.

Malcolm's best man.

At what?

Look, it's not up to you.

Look, do you know how he'll let you down?

And he'll be out on the street trying to persuade some passing wino to play

witness. Oh, so what are you bringing instead?

Yeah, well, he's a better class of wino.

Um, just one thing.

Would the witness have to say where he's from? Well, I don't know.

I mean, you wouldn't want it on the certificate or anything, would you?

Oh, you don't mean... He's usually here by now.

Had to put his dinner in the oven.

Well, that's not vital.

I could call back some other time. It's just that I owe him some money.

Sit down.

It served the car, see, and I didn't have nothing on me when I picked it up.

How draughty for you.

I've no money.

Well, if you want to leave it with me. Well, I don't know how much. I see.

Then you want a drink while you're waiting?

Why not?

Beer would be nice.

I'm sure it would. Tea or coffee?

Tea, then.

I had a coffee last time I was here.

How's he making that in the new place, then?

Certainly puts the hours in.

Whether he'll make enough to pay the rent is another matter. Yeah, it's

isn't it?

Here, I'll ask you the full.

I'm going to a wedding on Friday and the little roller's looking a bit mucky.

I should have got Mountain to give it the old spit and polish and he could

put a few bob on the bill.

Oh, what a pity.

If he left your shoes, he might have done those too.

Hiya. Sorry I'm late.

Lord, he'll have emptied the thing.

Good job with the wheels, mate. Ran to treat now.

They're a terrible mess, you know.

You like a challenge.

So what's the damage then?

Well, I'm a biker, really, but here we are. The new oil filter, new brake

linings, master cylinder. No, I skip the details. How much?

Well, altogether, the replacement parts come to 45 quid.

45? Yeah, well, I mean the oil filter and the master cylinder. All right.

Look.

It's half of your labour and we call it 50.

50? That's all right. You keep it. Get yourself an ice cream.

I must say, I won't bother. Thanks, Mrs. Hicks. Good luck, Mel.

Don't worry. I'll see if I can push the odd bit of business your way.

See myself out. Oh, see you Friday.

Yeah, Friday. Who do you think he is?

Robinson Crusoe.

Yeah, he said he's going to the wedding on Friday.

Here, drink this.

Yeah, but he's not, um... Well, if I didn't think he was.

It's registry office, isn't it? They let anyone in.

Friday.

Malcolm. I'm sorry, Mel's 1892.

It's Pamela. Are you OK?

Fine. Well, why did you say Friday?

Did I?

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's what I was ringing about.

Terry's going, isn't he?

Oh, you know, yeah.

With Brenda.

Oh, I see. And you were just ringing to tell me not to bother. Well, thanks for

letting... No, I'm not. I'm ringing to make sure you'll be there.

No, look, it's all right, Pam. I understand. I'll drop you a present.

won't drop it around because it's very heavy and it might dumb you.

Look, we invited you because you're you. You're best, man. It's nothing to do

with Brenda, so please come.

It's very nice of you to say so, but I can't really. And it's probably best if

don't if she's with him because, well, I'm not with any...

Well, and you and David are sort of together and paired off, so to speak,

that would just leave me up on the gooseberry shelf, wouldn't it? Oh,

don't talk like that.

I don't mean to. It's just the way it comes out.

Look, we want you to come. Why don't you bring a friend?

A friend?

Yeah. David, Dad wants the list.

David's ordering the party hat. Oh, is he?

No, it was a joke.

Oh. A friend, me?

Yes. What, you mean of the opposite... Yes, yes.

Look, I'll have to go. I'll ring you later. Bye.

You're ordering by phone these days.

Just organising things for Friday.

And that'll be 16 back here afterwards.

Why, will that be sit down or save yourself?

Brenda, none of your stupid tricks. Or decorating the car or any of that

rubbish. Me? Pam, what a thing to say.

And David, have you counted Judith and Karen?

Yep, and partners.

And Brenda, we'll be leaving mid -afternoon, so you'll be in charge here,

means clearing up afterwards.

What about your mother?

Hey, that's a thought. She can clear up. I haven't told her.

Oh? Well, she doesn't approve of you.

Of registry office dues.

Unless you've got the choir, an organ, a bunch of gardenias and the wife's rock,

it doesn't count.

And that's only the groom.

It could be a nice surprise when I tell her afterward.

Well, a surprise.

OK, it's up to you.

Anyway, she goes to bingo Fridays.

Brenda!

Shut up!

Hello?

Hello, David.

No,

tell him I'll call tomorrow.

Oh, and Pat, is there anything from Fair Play?

OK. Bye now.

Erm, what's all this?

It's David's mobile phone. It's so the office can reach him anywhere.

Anywhere? Do you take it in the, er... Hey, what's the number?

And we won't be taking it on the honeymoon.

Right,

I'll see you.

You'd better say it or you'll do yourself an injury.

Pam said she's going for a bath, and I said, I'll see you.

There's nothing funny in that.

No? No. She has one every time she gets married.

It just can't stop, can you?

I'm amazed Malcolm put up with it for so long.

It's the pith he did.

I've been stuck with that semi -detached beanpole for so long, I've forgotten

what real people are like.

What, like Terry?

I'm just getting to know Terry.

Terry's got hidden shallows.

You're not being fair to Malcolm.

It's hard setting up on your own. You've got to put the hours in.

Oh, don't you start.

Well, you always ask him to make the break.

What must he be feeling? What must he be thinking?

I don't care what he thinks.

No concern of mine what Malcolm Stoneway does in the privacy of his own crash

helmet. I think you're being very selfish.

Now, look, I don't need advice from you or the blue whale next door, so just

leave me alone.

And if I didn't live here, I'd go home.

Do you have to bring your work into the house?

It's not work. It's a very unusual present.

It'll be the only one like it in the whole world.

You said the same when you wallpapered your sidecar.

Ridiculous it looked.

Then it all came off in the rain. That was ages ago.

And just watch you don't get dirt on your new 509s.

501s? Well, you need to take good care of your clothes. Now you pay poor price.

Nor the little benefits you've thrown away.

Well, that 10 % staff discount at Mod's shop, there's hardly reason for staying

there. Every little help.

That would be good.

Oh, I'll go.

Hello, Lovina.

Master Sickly calling.

He's in the kitchen, tinkering.

Amazing how he finds time to play with silly bits of machinery, but can't spare

ten minutes to fix my twin -temperature crustle warmer.

Hi. Hi, did you get one? Yes. I hope it's the right size.

Oh, it will be. They're standard -fitting.

Great.

What else you got?

Something for Friday. Want to see?

Yeah.

Great.

What do you think, Mrs Stoneway?

Oh, very tasteful.

Now, I was only saying to Malcolm how he'll miss the discount.

Well, I work for mod shops. We don't actually buy anything there.

No, no, of course not. Nor would I.

Wool, is it? Mixture.

Shall keep you nice and warm, then, round the back end of the year.

And to go with it, er...

What sort of skirt have you got?

It's a dress.

Nice.

Is it too short?

No, no, no. It's the fashion, isn't it?

Well, one of them.

Is it a mirror?

It's in the hall.

What do you think?

Very pretty.

Do you want to see it on?

Yes, all right.

Do you? Oh, OK. I'll just nip upstairs.

You're not my man. Yeah, I know.

Oh, I've got the coffee on.

What do you think?

She's a lovely girl, though.

She certainly is.

Ideal for you.

She's good family. She could handle your account and still bring in a good wage.

That's right.

And we could live here, all three of us. In fact, why don't you go round and see

her family and arrange the marriage? I think she comes with three heifers and a

goat.

Oh, very comical.

Well, if I'd have had your attitude, there's no knowing what sort of rubbish

your father might have been.

Ah, but I wouldn't have been me, then, would I?

Malcolm, do this zip -up for me, would you?

Right.

Got it halfway.

Keep still.

You know, if this was a play, you'd get your tie caught in my hand.

Malcolm, what are you doing?

I can't move it. Be careful.

Look, look, look. Try it the other way. Keep still.

Oh, no.

Oh, gently.

Yeah, bend your knees slowly.

Oh, dear.

You'd best have three months of disentangled things. I'll be down in a

Don't wait.

Could you release me, please?

Mr.

Lenton, Mr. Wilton please.

Best man to the couple's right please.

Just a minute, please.

Witnesses?

Seem to be one short.

Aren't I? Thank you. Can you stand over here to the left, please?

Witnesses, please.

Can we start again?

Mr Lynch and Miss Wilson, please.

There is Oscar Lynch.

Yes.

Pamela Clementine Wilson.

Yes. Not in here, please.

Anyone want prints, see me later.

Can we continue, please?

Yeah, carry on.

We are met here together at this time in a place appointed by law for the

solemnisation of the marriage between David Oscar Lynch and Pamela Clementine

Wilson.

If any person here present knows of any lawful impediment to the marriage...

Hello,

look, I told you not to call me... It's his wife.

Manageress.

Who?

It's been you.

Hello?

Oh, great, we'll pick it up in a minute.

No, I don't care what tune it plays.

If any person here present knows of any lawful impediment to the marriage, I

require that they should now declare it.

Oh, I

don't know what to

say.

Well,

thanks. We'll keep it somewhere.

I bet you will.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Just in time.

Never chance to wrap it. Thanks. Have you got a knife?

Here we go.

Thank you.

Is this what the phone call was about?

Yeah, to say it was just this.

Well, how did they get his number?

I rang and told him this morning.

Spotty. A nappy bucket. With lids.

Thanks, it's very nice. Oh, thanks for a mwah. It'll remind us of you.

Yeah, but this is the best bit.

It's really good.

Come on, Teddy, let's talk about the real you.

Fascinating, isn't it? The moisture must trip a circuit.

I haven't spoiled it all, have I?

And I'd been told that Pamela was a lady wrestler.

Barbra's Barbara, the bootle bouncer.

Of course, at the time, I didn't know the person who told me this very well,

I would have known better than to believe her.

Because Pamela, as we all know, is nothing like a lady wrestler.

Well, at least her personality isn't anyway.

I mean, she's not really very large when you get to know her.

As David said, he's a very lucky man, and we wish them both, well, all three

them, surely, all their best in the new year and the new life, and I hereby

toast the bridesmaid.

The bridesmaid.

Well done, then.

He's certainly got away with words, hasn't he? Yeah, if he's the best man,

doesn't pay much for the rest of you.

I'm going to say me and you slip away early, and I'll show you who's the best

man. Well, you don't have to come. Just give us his address.

She's funnily dried.

I wish I had.

Yes, I'm sorry about that.

I've got to admit, it is clever, though, isn't it?

I'm a bit worried about the long -term effect.

What do you mean?

I think what might happen in 20 years' time, the young lynch is standing at the

bus stop listening to his radio and suddenly there's a request for raindrops

keep falling on my head.

No, I meant the actual mechanics of the thing is clever. Malcolm, talk about

something else.

I'll tell you what really is fascinating, really ingenious, but it's

difficult to describe.

Come over here, I'll show you.

See, the sofa has got a biradial hinge at the back here.

And it translates the movement into an upward pull in the right here.

Hiya. Hi.

Do you want a topper?

Enjoy yourself?

Nah, not really.

Sometimes I get the feeling I'm just being used. You?

I'm avoiding yet another lecture on the mechanical principles of the folding bed

city.

What do you think of the outfit?

Nice. Good to see a bride with a sense of humour.

Tell the milkman only one pint and no wild parties.

Oh, why can't the milkman have wild parties?

Mrs Lynch.

And if you're going to go birdwatching, don't be trailing your muddy boots

across the carpet.

Mrs Lynch.

What?

Oh, yeah. I'll get the car. That'll be down in a tick. Come on.

It's like an eccentric... It's called a nodal planche, actually, which is really

fascinating.

Yes, please, see you. See you later.

And I haven't done anything to your stuff, honest.

Oh, I know.

You know? Yeah.

We locked our cake in the car boot last night.

You're just begging.

Actually, I was meaning to have a word with you about honeymoons and that, but,

well, it's a bit late now, isn't it? Yeah, it's about three months too late.

So, the new chapter, then, eh? Yeah, new chapter.

Hope everything goes OK for you.

Oh, thanks, Bren, and you.

Oh, have a little word with him.

Forget it.

Look, come on, you'd better get a move on. Otherwise there'll only be a pumpkin

and a lizard waiting outside.

I just told him which one it was

No, that's not it.

CID. What?

We're doing a ruse, aren't we? Yeah, we're all the same. I think we'll be

a move.

Yeah. The gate is open. Are you coming?

No, I'll follow you around. I've just got a few things to do.

Susie, are you coming?

No, thanks. I've got to go.

I'll run you if you like.

No offence, Malcolm, but I'd sooner not.

I'm heading across the water.

Car or walking?

Car. Save it here.

You don't mind, do you? No, no, no.

With Cooper Rabbit, then?

Gone.

With Terry.

Must be desperate.

Thought you were getting to like him.

Me?

What about you didn't, Deb?

Yeah, well, I did try.

Reminded me of one time at a jumble sale.

Found one of those Russian dolls.

Carefully lift the top off to find someone had nicked the rest.

Brenda.

Yeah?

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

I was just greedy.

Do you want to go to the grapes?

I could do.

Do you?

Maybe.

Mark.

What? There's just one thing. I've got to get sorted out before we go anywhere.

Go on.

Will you explain something to me?

What?

The principle of the folding bed for three.

Well, we'd better test the springs then.

Chanel. Is he vibrant?

Is he out? So what do I see in him?

Am I dazzled by his style?

Has he made my life worthwhile?

Does he melt me with his smile?

Don't make me laugh.