Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. But what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So this wedding should be what does it.

A BSA Bantam.

And it's Mr.

Miles... Lawnworthy.

Hmm.

Yes, well, I've got that. I'll give him the message.

I'm sorry, I must go. Yes, all right. Goodbye.

Oh, all right.

All right, all right!

Yes?

Do you do hydraulics?

Pardon?

Some folks is leaking.

Then kindly move that thing.

I don't want oil stains on my path.

Oh, it's not dripping.

It's just a smear.

Look, if you'll go down the side there, you'll find my son in the garage.

Now, excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, we do. I mean, he do.

Duh, duh.

Well, you give me your number and I'll... Would you kindly mind your

No, look, he's busy at the moment, but I'll get... No, I am not a secretary.

Did you say a noddy crank?

Are you being personal?

How dare you?

Yeah, the seals are about three quid each, but they're easy enough to fit.

we say eight quid?

Great. Well, if you just leave it here.

Malcolm!

Yeah, it should be ready for tomorrow, but if you give us a ring first.

Cheers. Malcolm!

Oh, I got, er...

isn't good enough, you know.

Well, never mind. Just give that to the cat and start again.

This motorbike business.

Say if Mrs. Laurie Roberts were to call and see those greasy, smelly things all

over the place.

Do you mean the bikes or the bikers?

Both. I'll go.

Hold it!

Yeah, hello?

Yes. Yes.

Jam pots?

Yeah, I can get some, yeah. Oh, that'll be for me.

I'm running the WI bottle store on Saturday. It's for me.

I'm sorry, yes, go on.

Yeah, matchless.

Yeah, black tops and crown bottoms, right.

Jam pots?

You don't need this kind, unless you've got trouble with your rear suspension.

Don't be coarse, Malcolm.

Oh, this is clever.

This layer bag opens up to make a waterproof change in math.

Brilliant. And it's covered in little yellow duckies.

Yuckies. Yuckies.

Oh, and there's the same motif on this set.

Matching baby bath potty and nappy bucket with lid. Oh, God.

Oh, I can't make me mind up about the bath in there.

Trouble is, it's not long before you need something bigger.

Oh, look at this hanging cradle.

Or this kind with rockers. What do you think?

For you, I definitely think hanging's the answer.

Look, knock it off, Pamela. You sound like the answer phone at Mothercare.

Well, I've got to think of these things.

Not yet, you haven't. You should be out enjoying your last few months of

freedom. You're going to be stuck in with the little yellow duckies soon

Oh, come on, let's go down the grapes for the swift half.

What? All right, then a pint.

You see, these days you seem to worry more about what looks ladylike. No.

No pint?

Certainly not. While I'm in this condition, no alcohol of any description

pass my lip.

Oh, right, so you want me to find another way in?

OK. You stick your head on the table and I'll pour it in your ear. No.

All right, we'll try it. Plan two, you lie on the floor. No alcohol.

Well, let me stick to Hannah's bitter.

What about the smoking?

Well, we don't, either of us.

Secondary smoking.

OK, well, take a plazzy bag of fresh air and you can stick your head in it.

Brenda, I am not risking my child's health by going into one of those

And I'm not risking my sanity by staying another minute in this place. There you

go. Oh, I can't.

Why not?

I don't like drinking on my own. Then call Malcolm.

Call him what?

Phone him.

I have done three times this week.

You only get his mother and all she says is, he's busy.

And is it important?

Well, if he's working evenings as well, that means his business has taken off,

which is just what you wanted.

Either that or he's out on the raft every night and the old witch is

for him.

Not Malcolm.

No, not Malcolm.

It's home to the largest organised crime syndicate in the world.

With 150 ,000... Ooh.

But then... Malcolm?

Malcolm! What?

The TV's funny.

I'll record it. I'll watch it later.

I've seen them all.

Oh, Malcolm, please, come here.

What's up?

Will you see?

Oh,

it's all right again.

It was all white lines at the birthday.

Has it only just started?

Yes. Oh, it'll be me lathe needed for practice, sorry.

Hold on, hold on.

You've got to stop lathing, aren't you?

What lathing? No, I can't have promised this to her. You know, Miss Sandy, go

on. Oh, it won't be that long.

Oh, not again.

Hello?

He's busy. Is it important?

Who is it?

Hello? Hiya.

Brenda, where have you been?

What do you mean, where have I been?

I've been sitting here listening to nightly readings from Teach Yourself

Bouncing. Where have you been?

Oh, nowhere, just busy.

I meant to call, but things have been a bit frantic.

Thought you might have rung me.

I did.

Couldn't get past Winnie the Witch.

No, must have slipped her mind.

Anyway, what do you want?

What?

I mean, why did you ring?

To remind you to still exist.

Oh, right. Thanks.

Yeah,

we must get together sometime.

Oh, don't force yourself, Mark. I'll see you.

Hold on. What about this weekend?

What about tonight?

I can't. I promise you. Tonight?

Yeah, but... Look, I won't be finished till...

Well, the thing is, if I pick you up at... Well, we should catch the last

hour if... Hurry up, will you, Dad?

Bye, Brenda.

That was Brenda.

Why didn't you tell me she'd called? As an unpaid and unappreciated telephonist,

I do my best to record all the important messages.

I can't be expected to handle your social life as well.

You only need to use calls.

Oh, do I?

Well, Mrs Riley called.

Over the fence? At the front door.

To complain about the noise, the smell of burning and the type of visitors we

attract. Oh. She reminded me of the ice cream stall.

I suppose she is a bit big.

The ice cream stall that would now be upon the prom if I had not organised a

petition. It's a question of standards, she said.

Look, I'll rig an extension up in the garage.

Hello?

Yeah, Terry.

Oh, a car.

Oh, this place is like a Singapore brothel. Mother.

The expression of your fathers.

No, it's somebody at the door.

No, mate, I'm sorry. I can't look at it this weekend, no.

No, why don't you get the A8 and I'll look at it?

I know they're more expensive than me, but I mean... See you, Terry.

Hello?

Name's Marge Lawnworthy. I think I might have done something awfully silly with

my bantam.

This isn't in that maternity outpatients that used to be our living room for

three hours waiting for you. Yeah, I'm sorry, but the phone just never stopped.

And now my mother's turned funny.

You mean one of her spells has backfired?

No, she won't answer the phone.

Then I had Terry asking me to look over this second -hand car he wants to buy,

and all I really want to do is go to sleep.

Oh, no!

Sorry, pal, sorry.

Oh, come on, Alan, do you know me?

Yeah, but I didn't miss it.

You might just be a cop in disguise to look like you.

Circle, circle, point, draw up. As if you're picking up a pencil. Oh, right.

Circle, circle, point, draw up. Good, now the other one.

Circle, circle, point, draw up. Have you had backache? No.

Interjection? Heartburn?

Nosebleeds? No.

Oh, come on. Must be something the matter.

Got a sore bum.

Oh, well.

Let's see.

OK.

Ah, yeah.

They recommend diet.

What colour?

No diet.

No. High fibre foods.

Fruit. Vegetable. That's... Come on.

That's the fella. I'd finish you five.

We're not being stuck in here every night with the mother soup here.

Hi, did you make it?

No, we didn't.

I don't suppose you've got anything to drink, have you?

Not unless these two have been making wine.

OK, is there a book, a play or a TV programme?

David's been teaching me.

What?

Ventriloquism for the deaf.

Foot exercises.

I thought you were having a baby, not a bunion.

It's to avoid cramp.

I was demonstrating, sir.

David went to a parenthood class this evening.

Yep, we're going to see this thing through together.

Yeah? I'd like to be around when he demonstrates the last bit.

Do you think my ankle's swollen?

No, I'll have a slight edema. It's not unusual at this stage.

We've just got to watch for toxemia.

But we'll keep an eye on that at the antenatal clinic.

Oh, hey, Pam, why don't you get yourself a normal fella?

Who thinks milk comes from bottles and lied in the wardrobe till it's all over?

Because this is my bell.

Right. Although milk passes a bucket.

Brenda, we've decided.

I'm going to make an honest woman out of her.

Oh, you're not going to make her take back the office stapling machine.

We're getting married.

What? Married.

Well, both of you.

What of each other? A week on Friday.

What's the rush?

We're going away afterwards.

Honeymoon? A friend of mine's offered us two weeks at his cottage near Lyon.

Leon C.

Leon Trance.

You mean, you two are getting married just to use up a blank fortnight at your

mate's cottage?

We were going to anyway.

We wondered if you and Malcolm would be witnesses.

Well, it's a bit late, isn't it? I thought the accident had already

Sorry? At the registry office.

Best man and chief bridesmaid. Is he to make his own frock?

Hey, Malcolm, your service is required here. Malcolm!

Well, yeah, put her on a stand, knock her out of gear, and I'll give her the

she wants.

You want a lift?

Not that one.

I'm going to turn around.

Is that for you?

No, I'm taking Susan for a spin, but I'll drop you around the mountain, I

suppose.

OK. I suppose nobody knows me round here.

Just put your seatbelt on.

Yeah, it was just the timing.

Marching's a bit rough, generally.

Could do with the de -coke.

When did you last change the plug?

Plug? Yeah, that's the white thing, isn't it?

To be perfectly frank, I'm only just taken up with this vintage bike

inherited from Uncle.

What's the damage for a full service, an un -coke and all that?

Er, say, 20?

5? Fine.

I'll bring her back later. Bring a chum to take me home.

Mind you, I can't do much before next week.

No matter.

What have you been working on? Not me.

Bye. I'll be back later.

What do you think of the wheels, then?

Not bad. The rest of it sounds a bit rough, though.

What does that mean?

It's got a five -hour guarantee.

I'm just jealous.

It goes like a bomb.

Yeah, very similar.

If we get the chest of the three, I'll buy the pizzas.

We've spent two now.

Oh, is it?

Where's old Pickety, then? Don't drop a coin for that, Charlton.

Probably up there.

Getting ready to go out.

Where's she going? Singles' night at the coven.

Hello, Mum.

What was that?

I think he said, hello, Mum. I'll get washed.

And what did you say?

I smell cooking.

Something nice in the oven. That's not what you said.

I did. Something in the oven.

There's only two of us.

Trouble. He says, will you come round with your little screwdriver thingy and

fix it?

It went sort of bang.

What's up with this?

Gasket's blown on his inlet manifold.

Don't pay for it.

How long's it going to take to fix?

Well, it means it's about to... How long?

A while.

Oh, we're supposed to be going out.

I know, but what else could I do?

Are you someone who takes?

No, thank you. Oh, I thought you were.

And you don't, do you, Susan, dear?

Pardon? Oh, sugar, no, thanks.

Sweet enough, I'm sure.

How's your mother getting along these days? Very well, thanks.

Will she be able to bring him by on Saturday?

Probably. Oh, I'm sure she will. Great one for the tombola, isn't she?

Yes, I remember last year she won one of those beautiful Marie Antoinette

fuchsias that the vicar grows from cuttings. Yes, it died.

My mum's the same.

Dead.

Keen on bingo.

She won 65 quid on Friday.

Amazing it was.

She told us she was stuck for ages waiting for one number. And then he

the very instant she shouted, Come on, Frank, I'm sweating on seven.

Oh, dear, it's Mrs Riley again.

Should I answer it? Please, Susan, dear, tell her I'm in the... Bart. Bart.

How much longer do you reckon, Mel?

Well, I've hardly started.

Yeah, well, you won't be too long, will you? I promised Susan I'd have her own

bike bike.

She's going out this evening. Yeah, well, if you'd lend a hand.

Yeah, well, I'd like to, mate. It was a bit special, you know what I mean?

You finished yet?

What? Oh, all right.

No, not yet. We had to shift a few bikes out. Give us a bit of room.

Well, how much longer are you going to be? We're supposed to be going through

Chester. I'm doing me best.

And what are you doing?

Supervising. Yeah, well, supervising a bit quicker.

Complaining about a bike, Pop.

crop her drive and says she's going to tell the council that you're running a

business from a private house.

Then I'll tell them she reads in bed by the light of a street lamp.

Um, I don't think that's the law.

Well, it ought to be.

Oh, dear, I don't know what to do.

Wouldn't Malcolm be better off with his own premises?

Well, I'm sure he would, but he claims he can't afford to move.

Setting up problems, I suppose. Is it cash flow or just underestimating cost?

don't know.

See, really what he needs is some expert advice from someone who knows about

bookkeeping and accounts.

I've done bookkeeping.

You have?

Yeah. What was it like with me library books?

Now, you always mod shops, don't you, Susan?

Now, which department is it now?

Accounts. Is it?

I could take a look if Malcolm wants.

Oh, Pam works in an office.

That's hardly the same thing.

Anyway, isn't she about to get married?

Malcolm told you, did he?

It was a bit of a surprise, really. Yes.

I didn't even know she was pregnant.

Look, I ought to make a move. I'm going out. Oh, perhaps Malcolm can run you

home. No, no, no, no, no. He's got enough in his place at present.

Weren't you two supposed to be going out?

Well, that was the rumour.

They are more the cerebrals, might say.

Not so much in Dutch, with the hands and that, but quick upstairs.

So they say.

Oh, what's this?

Look, I've got to get back.

Well, we won't be too long, will we, Malcolm?

I don't know about you, I'll be at least another hour.

It's turned out a bit trickier than we thought, Sue. Never mind, I'll walk.

not far.

It's there.

I'll come with you, except it looks like there might be a drop of rain about.

Goodbye, Martin.

Bye, Sue. See you soon.

Yeah, well, if you give me the details, I'll let him know and he'll get back to

you as soon as he can.

It's just he's got a lot on at the moment.

Any tea going, Mrs Ed? We've just finished.

Oh, I'm at a coffee then.

I'll bring one through.

You're a lovely lady.

Do you know that?

Norton Commander.

Right, OK, well, I'll let him know. He'll get back to you quite soon. Thanks

lot. Bye.

He's a busy lad, isn't he?

Yeah, too busy.

That's five calls I've taken in the last hour.

Yeah, you know why?

Because he's good. Because he's cheap.

He's good as well, but mainly because he's cheap.

Needs the jobs for his mates, and doesn't charge them for it. Yeah, and

right, and that's stupid, because these people, they just take advantage.

Lovely, keep it coming.

Hold it, hold it.

Leave it here, shall I? Er, just leave it just outside for the minute, eh?

Right.

Mrs. Stoneway, I must warn you that if you do not get that son of yours to move

those smelly machines from outside my house, I shall be forced to take action.

Yes, I'm sorry, Mrs. Riley, but they're not his, you see.

I thought you put them there.

Please don't insult my intelligence, Mrs. Stoneway. I couldn't do that, Mrs.

Riley. Right, that's it.

You forced my hand.

I shall have to take action.

I'll do something. I shall... I shall get up a petition.

A petition?

You wouldn't.

Check this plug, and that seems to be all right. I'll sort it out later, don't

worry. Well, I'll have to move them out to get Terry's car in the garage. I'll

put them back now. Oh, no, this is all too much. They'll have to go. Go?

Yes, you must find somewhere else. I've had all I can take.

Now, Mrs. Wright is talking about a petition.

Yeah, but, I mean... Here's a list of people who've rung.

Go on, Brenda, you can see I'm busy.

You know anything about these motorcycles, sir? Oh, yeah, I'll put

now. When are we going to chapter?

God's sake, Brenda, hold on, will you?

Are you the fellow who fixes bikes cheaply? Yeah, I've got a lot on now.

Yeah, well, what it is is me gears are slipping. Yeah, I'm sorry. Can you call

back next week? Oh, no, we're having no more.

You said so.

I do. Now just tootle off.

Are you talking to me?

Yes. On your bike.

Have you seen that? She just assaulted me there.

Thank you.

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