Original subtitles

So, how was the honeymoon?

Very pleasurable, Max.

Oh, four and a half hours, isn't it?

Mr.

and Mrs.

Frank Carver.

Got a ring about it? Where to then?

Kensington.

Kensington.

She'll be chuffed a bit to see you.

She couldn't believe it when I told her.

Mum! Get who's here!

Mum?

I'm tired and I want to go home.

Come on then.

Oh, you bugger! Frank Garber, come here.

Just got back from Russia, have you?

I thought you'd like a cup of tea.

Have you met my friend Tom?

Tom, meet the newlyweds. They don't want a cup of tea, Mum. They've got to get

home. Yes, thanks, Grace, but we have to get to Kensington.

I've only got about ten bottles of this at home already.

Well, no need to keep your mix.

Frank. It's all right, Tess.

Things to do.

Bye, Max.

That was really insensitive. Look, just because Max has got a bee in his bonnet

about Grace's new boyfriend doesn't have to muscle in on our first night home.

Home?

Well, I thought... Oh, no, we haven't discussed that one yet. I just didn't

to have an argument at Max's.

I am sensitive.

Moya.

How does Paula feel?

She's not very keen on the idea of conversion, Rabbi, and she's frightened

becoming Jewish.

She's brought up a strict Catholic, and, well, she says that one dogmatic

religion is really enough for one lifetime.

Well, I mean, if Paula's not prepared to convert to Judaism, there's not a lot I

can say to help.

I mean, I can't encourage you to marry out.

We can't always choose who we fall in love with, can we?

Perhaps you should marry her anyway.

What?

What would my father say?

He'd go up the wall if he knew that's what you suggested.

But he doesn't even think... You don't even think what?

What? That I should even be talking to you?

He says no one should take counselling from a rabbi who's... Divorced?

Well, I'm not yet, actually.

But of course that doesn't stop people rushing in to make judgements, and I'm

not just talking about your father.

Well, whatever you decide, Ralph, be true to your own feelings.

Try and be honest.

And don't make promises you're not prepared to keep.

You realise that that was our first on British soil as man and wife?

Are you going to tally them from now on?

Yeah, I am.

Our first as man and wife after a trip to Sainsbury's.

Our first as man and wife after a busy board meeting at Balblats. Your office

mine?

I love you.

I know.

And?

I congratulate you on your impeccable taste.

And?

Hi. I love you.

Where are you going?

Home. I mean, back to the flat. I want to unpack and have a bath. You can have

bath here. I know, but you know what it's like when you've been away.

I won't feel I'm back until I've been through my own front door. I won't be

long.

Oh, you can concoct a delicious meal for my return.

Indeed.

Hello, Jonathan.

Yes.

Is your mother there?

She's what?

Marriage counselling.

No, no, just tell her I rang.

Thanks, bye.

Hello, Daddy.

I've something to tell you.

Hello?

Frank.

I must have just dropped off.

God, what time is it?

Oh, Frank, I'm sorry.

Jet lag.

Look, I don't think I can face coming all the way back through town.

No, I'm not even dressed.

Look, I'll see you in the morning, okay?

Hello, it's me. Look, I'm... Hang on, hang on. There's someone at the door.

Oh, hello.

I was just phoning you.

I was just answering you.

Frank, I'm so sorry. I woke up this morning and I thought you must feel I

all planned to stay here and really I didn't.

What are the cases for?

Because I woke up this morning and you weren't there.

So I thought, I don't care where I live.

As long as it's with you.

Have a good day at the office, dear.

Have a good day at the office, dear.

Will you tell them or should I?

You're probably wondering why I've called this meeting.

Sorry, I can't do this. I'm sorry.

Well, thank you. You have to do it.

Go on.

We got married.

Ah!

You haven't. We have.

That's brilliant.

Why didn't you tell us? We could have had a whip round or something.

Well, it was rather a rush.

Rather Russian. Oh, God. How romantic.

Well, well.

I don't know what to say.

Congratulations.

Both.

Thank you, Malcolm.

Right. Sandra, get me the files on the Walsall Factory Workers' Trust, would

please?

Poor Malcolm.

I'm sorry about this, but I didn't dare leave the office for more than a second

today. Don't tell me.

I had to shin down the drainpipe when Sandra wasn't looking. But I had to see

you.

Yes, so you said.

Diane, I've, um, married Frank.

Oh, Tess, that's wonderful.

We got married in Russia in a church in St. Petersburg.

Oh, I wish you could have been there. It was so... You got married in a Russian

church? Oh, Frank fixed it in inimitable fashion.

What are you looking at me like that for?

Oh, so it wasn't a proper marriage then?

What do you mean?

Of course it was.

A priest married her.

Tess, there's a lot of things that Frank can fix, but a lawful marriage in a

Russian Orthodox church isn't one of them.

What are you trying to say?

Well, it's a lovely gesture. It's very romantic.

I'm sure if you want to think of it as a marriage, it is a marriage.

Tess, don't go.

No, no, I have to get back.

Now that I've told you my news.

And I've trampled my size eights all over it.

Still here?

I have a lot of catching up to do.

I popped out lunchtime.

Just a little coke.

Oh, Martin, how kind. I was worried you might have thought me a little less than

gracious this morning. Oh, may I open it now?

Oh, it's not right.

Malcolm, it's... Oh, it's... Apparently you put a chicken in there or something

and it keeps it moist and succulent.

Malcolm, thank you.

I've always wanted one of these.

Well, I... Anyway, good luck.

And all that.

all the stuff in the kitchen.

What are you doing?

I'm just sorting the books out.

I just got to a good bit.

Dick Francis.

Master storyteller.

That's what they say about Geoffrey Archer.

I haven't read this one.

Where are we going to put them all?

I'll buy another bookshelf.

What are all those boxes in the kitchen?

Just a few bits and bobs I've accumulated over the years.

Right, where do you want to eat tonight?

Eat?

Yeah, I'm going to take you out for a slap -up meal.

Of course, it won't be as good as the gourmet fare that you missed last night.

Frank, we can't go out and leave all this. Why not?

Well, I mean, all right, I can't. I mean...

I can't go out with a flat in a mess knowing it's still going to be a mess

I come home and it's still going to be a mess when I wake up in the morning.

God, bloody tatter.

It is only a few bits and bobs I've accumulated over the years. Yes, but

are you going to go? I mean, I haven't got room for anything else.

I don't like clutter, Frank.

Well, maybe we should buy somewhere bigger.

Yes, well... Maybe.

I'll just go and tell you what we have in the freezer.

Well, it's nothing to do with the bloke personally.

I don't know him.

Then neither do you, Mum.

I mean, don't you think it's a bit funny, a bloke showing interest at your

Who the hell's that this time of night?

I'll go.

Oh.

Talk of the devil.

Is Grace in? Of course she's in. It's half past ten.

Hello, Tom.

Hello, Grace.

I'm off to bed.

Tessa, I'm starving.

I can't cook if I haven't any faith.

What are we supposed to do with this thing?

Oh, I don't know. Put it somewhere. I'll find a use for it one day.

It was very sweet of Malcolm Hewitt to us. He's been a good friend.

Oh, that reminds me.

Diane called earlier.

Oh, yes.

What did she say?

Congratulations.

You going to ring her back?

No.

Not tonight.

Mini -cabin today, Mark.

Oh, good. You can give Tom a lift to work then.

Tom? Is he still here?

Where's he sleep then?

But you're my mother!

Can I go on?

Sorry.

I was just working out what sort of mortgage we'd get on our joint salaries.

You don't know how much I earn.

I've got a good idea.

Anyway, no need to get all precious about it. Be on our statement.

What statement?

Our bank statement.

Mr and Mrs F.

Or F and Mrs T, if you prefer.

No, no, no, no, no. We have to talk about this. I'm seeing Rodney today.

Getting a lowdown on the tax angle. I mean, bank statements and mortgages. I

just haven't thought about those things.

Hey,

I'll get Meritman's allowance.

I mean, I don't even know if we are.

What?

What? If we are what?

Going to get to work today.

I have a board meeting at 9 .30.

Well, why don't you go and go together, do we?

No, no, of course not.

Well, I'll be off then, OK?

OK.

I know she's older than me, Max.

But I do love her.

I love her and all.

Then she a bit past it.

I want to ask her to marry me.

My wife died 15 years ago.

Blimey.

Look.

I don't know what to say.

I mean...

Where are you going to live?

Well, I live in where I work.

So it'll have to be Gracie's flat.

You work here?

Thanks for the lift. See you.

Which brings us rather nicely to lunchtime.

Shall we reconvene again at two?

I'm sorry

I didn't call

back. Frank, give me your message.

Oh, I didn't expect you to. Look, are you still angry with me? I thought you

were angry with me.

Oh, no, of course not.

Look, I...

I just felt that you and Frank were making light of the sanctity of the vows

marriage.

I mean, my marriage, of course, being an exemplary one.

Don't say that.

Actually, I'm not feeling very good about myself right now.

In fact, I feel a bit of a cow.

Oh, come on.

But it's true, isn't it?

What? We're not really married.

Oh, why don't I keep my big mouth shut?

It doesn't matter if you said it or not. The fact remains that legally it

doesn't hold water.

Look, if you and Frank stood up in a church and pledged your vow to one

in the eyes of God, then if you feel married, you're married.

Sound up.

Good day, Mr Carver.

About time, too. What time do you start?

I've been in high -level finance meetings all morning.

So, what can I do for you, then?

Do you want a grant to aid the development of your sex life?

Oh, now, look, Frank, it's serious.

The old girl in that bloke of hers, he wants to marry her.

Good old Grace.

You what?

I don't want her marrying him. He's a screw.

And talking of screws, he only spent the night with her, didn't he?

What?

Max, you're a gent.

Well, it ain't right, is it?

He wants to move into the flat now.

I mean, my own.

Frank, you've got to help me.

Well, Max, I don't really see what I can do.

Well, your flat. It's empty, isn't it? I could move in there.

Good of you.

Oh, of course. I'll give you something.

A bit of rent.

Say, 50 quid a week.

150. What?

Well, that's the sum that Rodney recommends a sublet at.

150.

Should be 200, but the recession. What about 75?

150.

100.

All right.

Oh, you're a mate.

Well, I'll go and get all my gear together.

I've a good mind not to tell her where I'm going.

Just leave.

Max Tapler, the eternal teenager.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

Do you know?

Quiet night in with the missus.

Fancy the early one?

All right.

Just the one.

They were a bit doubtful about the Hungarian theatre thingy.

I think they missed the point.

Diane sends her love.

I've invited her for supper tomorrow.

What? What?

What? You walked into the room. You looked at me. You walked out of the

What is it?

Oh, do you want garlic?

Yes.

Is that it?

Yes, yes, yes, that's it. Then go back and stretch out onto the sofa again.

Oh, I see.

That's it, is it?

You don't like the way I sit on the sofa?

Don't be ridiculous.

Anyway, you weren't sitting. You were lying.

And you never lie on the sofa?

No, I don't, actually.

The most I ever do is tuck my feet up.

Anyway, what does it matter how you sit lying?

I was wondering.

Oh, that's the last load.

Are you sure this is what you want? I mean, you don't have to.

No, you don't want me hanging around getting under your feet, do you? See

Ma. Tom. Oh, don't forget the invite.

Grace.

Can I help you?

Um, right, yes. Hold on a sec. Um, Frank.

What is it?

Put him through.

They're putting you through.

I think if we revise our original estimate there, that should bring us in

with what the board wants.

Do you know anything about tax laws?

Company tax?

No, personal.

You don't have to declare you're married, do you?

I don't know.

But Frank, of course, will want to claim all the allowances he can.

Sorry to interrupt, Tess.

I just had Max on the phone.

I totally forgot.

Promised to have a quick drink with him tonight.

Oh, well, that's OK.

Yeah, he's feeling a bit abandoned.

You know how he gets.

Just a quick one. You sure it's all right? It's OK, Frank.

I'll still do the cooking tonight.

You don't have to.

No, I will. I said I would and I will.

You sure it's all right?

Yes. Fine.

Perfectly.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Good night, Malcolm.

He doesn't have to ask my permission to go out. He knows he doesn't.

What's he playing at?

Being the perfect husband.

Tell you what, at a place like that, the birds will come running, won't they?

Smart gaff that.

Yeah, better stay smart.

Have you found the hoover? Yeah, yeah.

I'll get one of my birds to take care of all that.

Come on, then.

I'll give you a lift back.

What the hell is going on?

Cheer up, Frank.

We're going on your stag night.

I'm sorry about that.

It's all right, don't worry.

I wanted to speak to you.

We're not getting married.

Paula and I.

It's too difficult.

Listen to me, Ralph.

Don't let your family stand in your way.

I'm your rabbi. You trust my judgment?

Marry Paula. If she won't convert to Judaism, too bad. You know what you

do? Convert to Catholicism.

No, really, you could.

I mean, if it would make you both happy, you'd have my blessing.

One round, then a more coin, mate.

Come on, big friend, I want more revenge.

You know, I've got what you've done to me on my stag night, you know. No, no,

we'll have none of that.

To me, the boys just want to buy you a little drink to wish you all the best,

right? What?

Right.

It's optical illusions all round.

Susie!

Five optical illusions.

I suppose I was hurt by his father's attitude.

And all the others of my congregation who seemed to condemn me for Simon's

infidelity.

I just snapped.

Will Ralph tell his father?

I suppose so.

I'll end up in a home for rabid rabbis.

He might marry her, though.

Poor Diane, you're really in the firing line, aren't you?

I keep hoping that Simon and I will be a nine -day wonder.

Anyway, I've got the night off tomorrow night.

I've been invited to the opening of a new art gallery as myself, not as Rabbi

Wahlberg.

Actually, that's a bit daunting.

Why?

Oh, you know, the usual.

I don't know anyone, no one will speak to me. Anyway, who am I away from half

and home?

An attractive, funny, clever woman.

Yeah, I'm afraid all that's been well and truly submerged in all these years

a wife and mother.

She's gorgeous, isn't she?

Oi, darling!

Over here!

It's my late stag night!

Go play with someone else. I'm not in the mood.

I don't want to break up the party, but I'm going to. See ya.

Submarine with me.

I'm busy.

Get up.

Get me up.

I'm getting ready in the morning. Get me to the church.

Drag his legs back.

Now. Come on.

yours? I am not drunk.

I keep telling him I have not been drinking.

We found him handcuffed to a lamp post outside Morgan.

It's a club.

I got kidnapped.

Max and the others.

I didn't know anything about it.

Thanks a lot.

Don't be like that.

Look it's not how it seems.

You can drop the axe. I know your head must be thumping.

Tessa, I haven't got a hangover. I wasn't drunk.

It doesn't matter to me if you were. I'm not going to tell you how to run your

life. Well, why was I banished from the matrimonial bed last night?

You said you were going out for a quiet drink with Matt. You said he needed

cheering up. So you cover yourself in booze and you chain yourself to a

Tessa, don't. So did it do the trick?

Don't, please.

What's happened to us, Frank?

Just because you think we're married, you're behaving like an handicapped

caricature. And I don't want a joint bank account either, if it comes to

Hey, hey.

Back up a bit.

Just because I think we're married, don't you? No, no, not legally, Frank. I

mean, how could we be?

We're not Russian. For all we know, that priest could have been reciting his

shopping list over us.

Hmm.

We'll get married here. We'll do it properly.

I see.

We have to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about it.

Frank, don't cut me off.

You don't want to be married?

I don't want to talk about why you don't want to be married.

It's all right.

Okay.

Frank, what are you going to do?

Are you just walking out on me?

Just what you want, isn't it? No, I didn't want to. Frank, don't do this.

Frank.

You really think this is the answer, turning your back and walking away?

Where are you going?

Back to your flat.

Don't go.

Look, if it's what you really want, then yes, yes, all right, yes, let's get

married again.

Is this all it means to you?

One wrong word and you're off?

Tell Mum I need a brew.

Mum's not here, Max.

Frank.

What are you doing?

Helping you pack.

Are you frying me out?

Let's just say I'm repossessing the flat.

Look, I'm sorry about last night.

I never meant it to go that far.

I didn't know Den had those handcuffs.

You didn't stop him putting them on me, though, did you?

We're two of those optical illusions and you just don't think.

You know.

I just wanted to give you a bit of a send -off.

You're like a bloody kid, Max.

No.

Dip, dip.

Dip, dip.

Sandra, I was just wondering, Frank left in a bit of a rush this morning and

there was something I wanted to discuss with him. You happen to know if he's in

at all today, do you?

No. No, he's not.

Oh, well, if he should call in or anything, would you put him through to

please? Yes.

You made me jump.

Hello, Mum.

Here. You said they were going to ring me. Now, why didn't you ring? I've been

worried sick.

I've only been gone a day, Mum.

Here, darling. I'll finish that.

Oh. Hello, Max. Tom.

Tom's been touching up the walls for me. He's not working till one.

Just as long as that's all you're touching up, eh, Tom?

Well, maybe you'd like a lift in later, would you, Tom?

Oh. Yeah, OK, then.

Thanks very much.

Oh. Tom, who is it?

I think a little chat's in order, don't you?

I think they hung it upside down.

Thank you.

I think his early nihilist work is more interesting.

What do you think?

I haven't got a clue.

Ah, Rabbi Warburg.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Frankel. Good evening.

I didn't know you were an art lover, Rabbi.

Excuse me.

I wanted to talk to you about Ralph.

I must say, you've employed some very cunning psychology with my son.

His rabbi telling him to become a Catholic terrified him so much, he's

Paula to convert to Judaism.

Thank you.

You know, I think I've underestimated you.

Enjoy the exhibition.

squeak all right, Mum?

I don't want anything, Jeff, yet.

Silly old cow, wasn't I?

Expecting love and marriage at my age.

He did love you, Mum, I'm sure of that.

I mean, I think he was a devious lying git, but you've got to feel sorry for

him.

30 years they've been married.

He's been in a wheelchair for 20 of them.

I don't feel sorry for him.

Not a bit.

Trying to turn me into a blooming bigamint.

You won't leave again, will you, Mac?

I suppose you've come to pick up your things.

No.

I rang your flat earlier. There was no answer.

Well, that's because there was no one there.

I'm not very good at this marriage game, am I?

That's too I've cocked up.

Frank. It hurt, you know.

When you said you didn't want to marry me again.

When you just walked out.

Is that all there is to it?

No.

You did want to get married in Russia, didn't you? I didn't just railroad you

into it.

Because... I've been walking around all day thinking, Frank Carver,

sensitive clod.

Russia's in headlong, spoils everything. You haven't spoiled anything, Frank.

Russia was... Just let you down on the happily ever after.

You haven't let me down in any way, Frank.

It's me.

I live on my own and... It's not easy.

Not to.

Some ways I prefer it.

Yeah, I know.

When you... You stayed here the other morning.

I was at my flat on my own. I thought, oh, this is nice.

Stretch out in bed, have a cigar before breakfast.

Frank, you don't.

No, no, I don't.

I could have done, if I'd have wanted to.

The trouble is, it's only nice...

When there's somewhere else that you'd rather be.

We don't talk enough, do we, Frank?

I missed you a lot today.

You look tired.

Yeah, I'm...

One little panatella.

For breakfast tomorrow.

So if it's just a game that you're playing, you better know

that love hurts.

There's no doubt about it.

Love hurts.

But who can live without it? Oh, how love hurts.

So you better run and hide. But remember,

love hurts. You just love.

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