Original subtitles

Coming up next week on The Golden Bachelor.

Oh, I'm really excited to get back to Philly for my hometown visit.

I run a bar with my kids and my kids' friends and my roommate, who is also one

of my kids' friends, who we thought was my kid, but we chucked his real dad off

a cliff.

He was already souped by that point.

Anyway, I want us all to have a nice dinner, get to know each other. It's

to be a really classy affair.

We look forward to it. So join us next week as we travel to Philadelphia for

Frank's hometown visit.

Well, you know what this means, guys.

What? We've got to get our shit together.

All right. I don't know. I just don't get it. Like, why is he doing this?

Oh, who knows? You know, fame, attention.

Maybe he wants to bang a bunch of old ladies. It doesn't matter, because what

does matter is how we come across when those cameras are rolling, right? I

this is primetime TV we're talking about. If we pop on something like this,

our hopes and dreams could come true. I mean, hell, we live in a country where

reality television can be a pathway towards being the president.

Yeah, but what's with the script?

Oh, yeah.

So Frank said that he wanted to have a really classy dinner, and, you know,

we've... I struggled with that a little bit in the past, admittedly. So I just

jotted down some lines, some small talk for us to, you know, talk about over the

dinner so that we can stay away from some of the danger zones.

I feel like this is going to feel too scripted, you know? Well, it is. It is

scripted. It should be a little bit more off the cuff, you know? Like the other

day, I was walking down by City Hall, and I noticed this coyote was following.

Really? Yeah, right down Market Street.

In Market Street? In broad daylight, yeah. So I turned to this coyote, and I

on my haunches, because, you know, you've got to get down on your haunches.

You've got to keep them where they are. And I'm like, why are you following?

And I said, back off, or I will stick my thumbs into your eyes, which I've said

to you before. See, I don't think we should be regaling audiences with tales

animal abuse. I was the hunted. He was the hunted.

Dennis, Dennis, I don't have any lines.

You do.

Hi, I'm Dee. Frank is a great dad.

That's it.

That's all you need.

No, it's not. It doesn't pop. How am I supposed to pop with this? No, I need to

be slinging zingers. You guys, I have a new one about a Chinese guy and his

optometrist. Oh, God. No, Dee, stop doing that.

No race jokes, no edge. Actually, no comedy at all. What? Well, we've moved

comedy as a society. We don't want it anymore, we've decided. You know, it

us think too much about... you know, our current condition, and then really we

don't want to think about ourselves because it makes us feel bad about

ourselves. So then we project on to the people that are making us think, and we

cancel. We get mad.

I'm with Dennis.

Go woke, go broke. Right, Dennis? Yeah, for sure, man.

No. Well, no, that's the opposite of what I'm saying.

No, that's pretty much what you're saying. It's not. No, she said... We're

already broke.

Yeah. No, what I'm saying is if we go woke, we pop.

I want to know what all these creams and bottles are. These, what are we doing?

Ah, yes.

I'm glad you asked, Charlie. Those are various shampoos and tanning creams. And

yeah, I've got some hair removal in there for any unsightly hairs.

What, me?

Probably. Well, sure. Yeah, you.

But, you know, all of you. Here's an idea, actually. What if instead of

all clean, I get more dirty? And then Frank's like, oh my god, he's dirty. I'm

concerned about him, you know? You guys are getting it.

Okay, you're not getting it. This is bigger than just looking good, okay?

The most important thing here is to not look bad.

Hollywood actually has a system for this already in place. It's called the

testing process.

You know, they get together a focus group, and they... Well, actually, we

focus group for the last Thundergun movie, if you guys recall.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And they score us on a scale of 1 to 100, and we just keep refining the

over and over again until finally we land on the most perfect versions of

ourselves that will appeal to the widest possible audience and offend no one.

That is how you make great art.

Okay, thank you all for coming.

So some of you have done these before for movies, and for some of you, I know

it's your first time.

But in a bit of an unorthodox move, we will be watching a live performance

in preparation for the show The Golden Bachelor.

Okay, so let's begin the, uh, the show.

Don't let them clap. Excuse me?

Well, it's, you know, it's not play, so they shouldn't clap or, you know, laugh

out loud or groan. No, no, how are we supposed to know what they think is

Let them laugh.

I think we should keep the claps so we know what they love. Oh, my God. Jesus

Christ. You really overdid it on the tanner. But the farmer's tanner. Yeah,

farmer. But my guy is.

Your guy? What guy?

You know what? Just start.

Right. So, let's begin.

Sure can't wait to see Frank.

I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.

If Frank likes her, I'll like her.

So where are they?

Our lovable old pal Charlie's on his way over with them right now.

Oh, speak of the devil.

Here they are. Come on in, guys. It's open.

Hello, everybody.

Frank?

Frank State? Come on in.

Thanks, Charlie.

I'm starving.

Me too, because I'm a slut who likes to shove things in her mouth.

What a day.

You guys will not believe what happened to me.

Okay, well, I'm sure it's a very interesting story, but we don't want to

because we're here to talk to Frank. I want to hear Charlie's story because he

looks crazy. No, no, no, no.

You don't want to hear his story because you were going to tell us more about

yourself. What happened to you, bro? You were going to tell us more about

yourself.

I'm Mac.

I love Jesus and therefore am not gay. What?

I am a farmer and I plow the fields and that's why I have this farmer's tan,

which plays in the flyover states. And I live with Dennis in a...

friendship, man -to -man, non -gay role. Oh, okay. My turn?

Yeah, let's... The more he tries to hammer it home, the more it sounds like

do do it. There is no... It's irrelevant.

He's gay, I'm straight. They just live together.

Yeah, which is totally normal for two middle -aged men. Right.

Oh, they like when I... Don't refer to them.

They like when I'm funny, though. Did you know that? No.

Hey, you guys want to hear the one about the Chinaman's doctor?

No, no, hang on. They don't.

God, it's so racist.

I yelled at a coyote the other day. Would anyone like to see a reenactment?

Oh,

yeah.

This is a good story. Yeah, it came at me, and I was like... Tell him what you

said. I was so super cool. I was like, later, bro.

No, you screamed at me.

Well, this was a goddamn nightmare.

I mean, Charlie, what happened, dude? I confused the shampoo with the Nair hair

removal, and then, you know, it all came off. Jesus Christ, man. And, Mac, why

are you back in the closet? I wanted to appeal to the flyover states. Go woke,

go broke. That's what you always say. I don't say that. You say that, all right?

And people were confused, all right? They think we're a couple. Oh, okay.

Well, maybe America is ready for us. There is no us.

Mac, stop trying to groom me, okay? And please stop saying go woke, go broke.

What did we get? What was our score?

22. Out of what?

Out of a goddamn 100.

Oh, is that low?

Yeah, that's very low. That's exactly what I was talking about, guys. That's

I had a script.

That being said, you know, some of these comments are a little bit confusing. I

mean, like, they didn't like it when I said, speak of the devil. Oh, I didn't

like that either. You know, you shouldn't speak of Satan. And you said,

the devil. He was speaking of the devil. I heard that speech.

You're speaking of Satan. Yeah. America doesn't like that. And I don't like

that. I was speaking of the devil. So who tested the highest?

Uh, well, McAdee tested the highest, which is crazy. Oh!

I said you tested high. I said you tested the highest. You know,

they thought V was funny, except for the goddamn Chinaman comment, which is

completely inappropriate, you bitch. Listen, I can take a note. I'll go woke,

and I'll switch to clean comedy.

How about no comedy at all? Okay, that's what's woke. I mean, awaken to the fact

that you're just not funny.

Dennis, what do they like about me?

This one wanted to hear more about your bad boy tendencies.

This has to be a mistake. I am a bad boy. Yeah.

So you're going to stick with the straight thing, huh? I don't know. It's

working for you. What'd they think about me? Well, they thought you had cancer.

Why? Because you do look like you have cancer.

And they were confused about the volleyball, but they didn't know what

That's crazy. What else confused them? Goddamn everything.

I mean, they were very confused about mine and Mac's living arrangement for

reason. Hey, quick question. Who scored the lowest?

Uh, that's just completely unclear.

Can I see that? No, you're not going to get any information from it, D. It was

Dennis. It was Dennis? Yeah, of course it was.

Yeah, they thought he was bossy and he looked old.

I mean, somebody has to be the boss, right?

Of dinner? Why was the old man so bossy? He looked haggard. No, no, no.

Now you're making stuff up. His features are so sunken, it was hard to

concentrate on the story. Old, haggard? No, these are, they don't, no.

That was a lighting thing. I gave you guys the best lighting because I knew I

looked the best, and I wanted you guys to look good, too, and I wanted Evan

to... They... No.

Old... Come on. That's completely insane.

Get your shit together!

Okay. Thank you all for coming.

Most of you are new, and I think some of you may have been at the last show.

I guess you wanted to see this again. That's good, I suppose.

Uh, well, for those of you who are new... Ooh, great crowd out there.

What are you wearing?

Oh, I'm going for the bad guy in Commando look. You know, like, who's

than that?

Dude, you look like Freddie Mercury.

Oh, cool. He's, like, the straightest man alive.

He couldn't have been more gay. I mean, he's in a band called Queen.

You know what? Look, if you want to look straight, go grab, like, the doctor or

something. What's with the face tape? Oh, this? Well, it's just a, you know,

to, like, kind of tighten the skin up a little bit. You know, give me a more

youthful appearance.

You know what I mean?

Okay.

What is this?

It's just a clean comedy look. It's classic.

Can we not, OK? I mean, a rubber chicken?

Yeah, come on. Is the tape coming off? You got tape on your face? Well, yeah,

and it's not sticking. I think you need more.

You think I need more of it?

Well, yeah, you said you wanted to look youthful, yeah?

Yeah, I just don't want to look crazy. Maybe I'll just tighten it up a little

bit. Yeah. A little bit.

Yeah. OK, so without further ado, let's begin.

Stop. Uh -oh.

Well,

here we are.

I sure am excited to see Frank.

I can't wait to meet the lucky lady. Yeah. Frank likes her. I'll like her.

I wonder where they are.

Well, our lovable pal Charlie is on his way over with them right now.

Oh. Look at that.

Speak of the dead.

Speak of the guy.

Here they are. Oh, it's open.

Hello, everybody.

Say hello to Frank and Frank's date.

Hey, gang.

I'm getting paid for this, right?

Well, come on in. Hey, Charlie, how you doing, man? Not sure why you're doing

that accent, you know.

Pretty confusing, you know. I must not have heard you correctly, because you

from right here in Philadelphia. No, that's not true, actually. It is. No,

from Eastern European territory.

So, what's for dinner?

Beef soup, I hope.

Stop it. What are you doing?

I'm just talking in my natural European way.

I like it because white people doing funny accents is not woke. I thought we

were doing woke. Shut up!

So, Frank and Frank's date.

I'm Dennis.

I live here with Mac in a totally age -appropriate and platonic relationship.

But, like you, Frank, I hope to meet my special someone someday.

Nah. Yeah.

I'm not palling around with Dennis platonically in the bedroom. I like to

on my leathers and perform badass stunts. Would anyone like to see a

Well, hey, you know, let's not encourage him. He can't actually do one. He

can't, right?

No, he can't.

So, guys, guess how much me and this Rod Bang boot.

Tell him, honey.

What are you doing?

Do I have a line? No. I didn't get a script.

No. Artemis, you need to stick to the script? The script's a little thin.

What are you doing?

I'm doing a goddamn background.

You can't stop me. Because the power of Christ compelled me.

Bad ass.

Oh, no.

Oh.

75. Am I reading that right? Yeah, it's a big improvement. Wow, we did great. It

was a goddamn circus.

No, Charlie, why?

Why? Did you do an accent?

Well, dude, I look weird. I don't feel like myself. So I figured I'd be someone

different, like that funny cousin in Perfect Strangers. Remember that guy?

no, I like you doing a character, but don't make it funny. I got the joke

covered. Oh, do you, Dee? Oh, do you? Because this card says the one in the

plaid suit seemed sad and desperate, and I was only laughing because I was so

uncomfortable. Oh, yeah? You know what this one says?

What? What's with the angry man with the old face who's constantly yelling at

his boyfriend?

I could not have made it more clear that he's not my boyfriend. He kept saying

it over and over. Oh, my God. And how could I possibly look old? I mean, no.

Who scored the highest?

I think you did.

I did?

Let me see.

I love when the vampire slayer busted out the crucifix on his old vampire

Me?

Old vampire lover?

Let's lean into that.

Yeah, I could be like a vanilla blade, and I could stab you in the heart with

the crucifix. Stop! Stop! For the love of God, stop!

Okay, you know what?

You two will limit your exchanges to hello, yes, and no. And that's it. And

rest of you will refrain from doing accents or personas of any kind. I will

all the costumes, hair, and makeup, and there will be no other surprises at all.

And so help me God, we will get this right!

I mean, I get a vampire by the last time, right? Do you not?

Yeah, it's like a Count Dracula thing.

Okay, thank you all for coming. I see mostly familiar faces, so welcome back.

That grub's amped.

Oh, yeah? Too bad Dennis cut everything they like. Oh, no, come on, Dee. No,

trust me. Trust me, guys, this is exactly what America wants.

Did it start, like, here and, like, go up and over, like, you know? No, I mean,

you're not a werewolf. I'm, like, a werewolf, aren't I? I think so, yeah.

I'm just blown away, man. I just, like, don't know how you got the wig that

good. You know, like, do you wear a wig? This is crazy, dude.

Do I wear a wig? No.

Nonsense. For real, though, do you? Stop!

Dude, all right, fine, man. I'm just thinking, like, that's so good, man.

All right, well, the show's going to start. Do you have time to do it

and then we'll get going?

What do you mean? I did do me.

Are you all done?

Yeah. Do I need more tape?

Well...

We should bow.

Yeah, absolutely.

Don't bow.

Don't bow. They're coughing so much. I know. Don't even notice that they're

there.

Take my chicken? Mm -hmm.

Mac, I bet you have a boombox under that table, don't you? Nope. Yeah, you do.

Let me see it. I don't have one. Let me see it.

You better do it, dude. Do it.

I was going to play a cool song. Let's see what you were going to play.

Kid Rock.

But we're not doing that. This is going to be a classy evening. So I came

prepared with something a little different.

There we go.

Isn't that nice?

I guess.

Yeah. Well, here we are.

So excited to see Frank.

Yeah, I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.

If Frank likes her, I'll like her. Yeah. So where are they?

Oh, here they are. Speaking... It's open.

Well, hello.

Hey, guys. Welcome. Come on in.

Close the door. Yeah.

Good. Like we... Hello.

Hello. Wonderful. Well, um... I'm Dennis.

And this is my apartment. I live here with my friend Mac, my longtime friend,

but not eternal, you know, because we're not vampires.

Obviously.

That'd be crazy.

But, yeah, soon to have our own places, but not because we're poor, but because

we're economically savvy and still quite young.

Oh, D, you were saying?

Hi, I'm Dee.

Frank was a great father.

No!

Well, you got a great sense of humor, Frank.

No!

It's really you?

You had a... Oh, uh... Shoot, do I have a line? No. You were just gonna say

something off the cuff.

Uh, I don't remember what it was. I'll make something up.

Hey, uh, Frank State!

Where are you from?

Hello. Hello?

Yes, hello.

Hi. Hi. Hello.

Yeah, hi.

Hi. Hello.

What is this?

It's, uh... It's... Well, you don't talk. I mean, what are you doing, man?

audience never talks to the cast of the show. Perhaps a flip to lighten the

mood?

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, I can do a flip, because it doesn't make sense to do a flip in the

middle of a dinner for no reason. Let your boyfriend flip.

Yeah.

All right, I'll do one. No, you don't understand.

No, you're not listening. You don't understand.

You're not getting this.

We are not lovers.

We're simply roommates, you see.

It's not so difficult to understand.

Not so difficult at all.

Two men entwined only by the walls that house a...

And the passage of time, that is all.

Nothing more.

We are all classy.

Men and women alike.

But none more classy than me.

Refined and dignified and not the least bit abnormal in any way.

I need you to see this.

Yes?

All is well.

And palatable.

And good.

You must know this and you must reflect it.

As such, on the cards that you've been given.

Do you understand?

I need this of you.

You must make it so.

There was another show.

By the name of Family Fight. And I was not properly represented on that show.

And I cannot and will not abide in the failure of that magnitude.

I need you to see me as I

am.

I need this.

I need this from you.

I need this.

So that's why you've been so crazed? Because you panicked on the family

Yes, dude. You don't understand the humiliation.

I hope for your sake you never do.

D, how'd we score this time?

Uh, three.

Three what?

The number three out of a hundred. That's it? Yeah, they hated it. Dennis

the shit out of them.

Well, look, man, forget it. Like, can we just be us?

Okay, we're trying to please everybody.

And, like, that never works, man. Like, people either get you or they don't get

you. You know what I'm saying? Yes.

All right. Yeah.

Does anybody else think it's weird that they haven't showed up yet?

That who hasn't showed up? Yeah.

Frank, the producers, the entire TV show. I mean, we've been doing this

thing for a while now. Oh, shit. Yeah, they should have been here by now,

Yeah. It's been like a week? It's been a month.

We've been doing this for a month? Yeah, it's been a month. I think it's been a

solid month. Look up the show. Yeah, I'm going to look it up. Give me a sec.

That episode aired two weeks ago. That's the hometown business?

Yeah. What the?

Oh, there's my family.

Oh, it's so, so nice to see you. Oh, God.

What the?

Look at all these people. He replaced us? He replaced us? It's so good to see

you. They would never do anything to embarrass me in any way. Oh, dude.

Yeah. I guess he went woke.

And he didn't go broke.

Philadelphia, in a series of firsts, tonight is the moment we've all been

waiting for. Can't wait to find a grade A piece of ass.

To love.

See you in a while.