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Thanks for watching!
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If you were a gentleman, you'd see me to
the door.
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No.
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Well, reporters from the sun aren't
gentlemen, are they?
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They're not even human beings.
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What have you found out about Hitchcock?
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Oh, piss off.
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But the fact is that any news
presentation will always be selective,
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open to allegations of bias. You can't
please everybody.
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Of course, I suppose the conventional
image most people have of a tabloid
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is of some fat racist slob with an
Australian accent.
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Marvin Doney, you are sub -editor on a
well -known nameless newspaper. How
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accurate is this? Oh, totally
inaccurate.
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And may I say, we're not at all racist
on my newspaper.
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We merely like to give our readers what
they want. A bit of spunky, harmless
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fun.
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Harmless fun?
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I suppose that was harmless fun two
months ago, was it, during the French
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trade war, when you said the Sherman
tank with a page three half -wits to
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in a live share accident blew up an
orphanage and killed 27 children.
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Oh, come on, mate. French children?
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And what about... the Crucible last
week, giving away Elvis Presley's
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as a bloody bingo prize.
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If it wasn't for your newspaper plumbing
the depths of bad taste in the first
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place, we would have to sink to those
levels just to stay in the market. Bad
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taste? Coming from the bloke who whipped
out his plonker on a kid's TV set.
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I did not whip out my plonker.
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I was in a state of nervous anxiety.
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Very difficult situation. There's no
issue here. Turn that racket off, for
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sake, and get back to work.
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Go on, Maggie.
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Uh, well, I'd like some big jigsaw
puzzle, really.
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First of all, we've got a high court
judge, Sir James Hitchcock, whose family
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are all found at home one morning with
the throat caught.
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Well, Hitchcock's gone. Three weeks
afterwards, we still don't know where he
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Next... The woman who's been seen in
Peckham, Linda Copeland, is also found
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dead. So is her canary.
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And so, a few days later, is Hitchcock's
dog.
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Well, that's seven deaths.
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Five people and two animals.
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What about this story? It's all the work
of aliens. The one that Spam wants to
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print out.
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And that started with a Mr Kevin Pooley,
who lives opposite the girlfriend.
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He reckons he saw some big creature,
like a yeti, near her house, which
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Huge footprints in the fresh cement.
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After which, a guy from the US Air Base
at Redway Sun, a lieutenant, Scott
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McKenzie, said he picked up signals from
some kind of UFO near the judge's house
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in Hertfordshire.
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If only I could get back inside the
house.
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That'd be breaking and entering an
illegal trespass.
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Be bloody careful.
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to introduce a special guest this
morning, Lord Gilbert, who is Chairman
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Royal Commission, currently looking into
standards and practice in the British
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press. I suggest we make him welcome.
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And then carry on exactly as we would do
if he weren't here.
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Now, tomorrow's splash. I thought we'd
lead with the new ideological schism
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segregation policy in South Africa,
backed up by... A four -page report on
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00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:09,680
prospects of a solution to the
internecine political divisions in
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Excuse me.
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I'm ever so sorry, everyone. I seem to
have stumbled into the wrong room by
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mistake. I was looking for Russell
Spam's office.
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Good morning.
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Oh, it is you, Russell. Are you feeling
all right?
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Never felt better, Dickie. Thank you.
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The centre spread will, of course, be
the review of modern prison policy. Is
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prolonged incarceration corrective?
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or does it generate a recidivist
mentality among fenders?
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Can you get me the first aid, nurse?
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I think Mr Spam's having some kind of
fit.
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I'm fine, Dickie, honestly.
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Now, pictures on page three, of course.
We have the tits. Jack?
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Yes?
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Together with the report on
ornithological health hazards posed by
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-disruptions of ozone dissipation.
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00:06:02,341 --> 00:06:06,149
Russell, what's going on? You coming up
with a story about Princess Diana
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00:06:06,150 --> 00:06:07,230
becoming a cannibal?
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After she was seen eating a jelly baby?
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00:06:10,611 --> 00:06:16,169
Oh, by the way, Dickie, I don't think
you've met Lord Gilbert here, Chairman
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the Royal Commission on the Press.
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Mr Lipton?
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I wonder if you could spare me and my
colleagues a short interview.
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00:06:23,970 --> 00:06:30,789
And by definition, any news presentation
will always be selective.
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You can't please everybody.
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Yes, I heard you trot that one out on
television.
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And I was about as impressed by it then
as I am now.
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00:06:38,361 --> 00:06:42,759
Mr. Lipton, can you honestly say that
since you took over, the Crucible has
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published one single story of benefit to
society?
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00:06:45,481 --> 00:06:47,359
Oh, yes.
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Hundreds. Name one.
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00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:54,880
Well, there's the, uh...
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00:07:02,671 --> 00:07:04,479
Possibly not.
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00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:10,119
We are currently working on an extremely
important experiment that I am
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confident will have far -reaching
implications for Western democracy.
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00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,090
Yes, what is that?
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I can't say at the moment. We
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haven't gathered all the evidence yet.
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Thank you very much indeed for your
help, Mr. Lipton.
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Yes, and in any case, we also... Thank
you, Mr. Lipton.
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How pleasant it is, Lord Gilbert, to
have this little tête -à -tête before
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go to press with your committed report.
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Something has to be done about declining
standards in the media.
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I will be honest, sir. It's going to
make grim reading, if I might quote from
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our conclusions so far.
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The Commission has found the tabloid
press consistently guilty of factual
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00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:09,420
inaccuracies, misquotations,
tastelessness, vindictiveness.
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00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:14,260
sensationalizing trivial issues and
trivializing important issues.
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00:08:15,180 --> 00:08:21,439
Evasion of privacy, sexism, racism,
jingoism, sadism, lurid exploitation of
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00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:26,299
and violence, and so on and so on. I
believe your committee is divided as to
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solution. Yes.
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00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:32,959
Two of our members favor the setting up
of a new press tribunal with powers to
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00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:37,360
penalize offending newspapers and, if
necessary, sequestrate their funds.
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00:08:38,890 --> 00:08:44,329
The other two, while critical of popular
tabloids, feel it's up to the editors
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to be more responsible without the need
for statutory controls.
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00:08:47,730 --> 00:08:53,069
Which leaves you with the casting vote,
Lord Gilbert, one which I'm sure would
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00:08:53,070 --> 00:08:57,250
in no way be influenced by any offers of
remuneration from interested parties.
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00:09:01,570 --> 00:09:06,010
You appear to have dropped the key to
your brand -new Porsche.
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00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:15,060
I don't have a brand -new horse, Mr.
Rathbone, nor have I any desire for one.
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Excuse me.
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I think further dialogue between us
would be inappropriate.
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Good day.
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00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,640
Any good day, old girl.
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How do we know that Maggie's murder
story is going to be anything special?
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00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:36,899
do we know it isn't going to be just
another judge who went completely loopy
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didn't know what he was talking about?
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The High Court's full of them.
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We could just give up one big
responsible story that benefited
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00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:49,919
I honestly believe it would tip the
balance against this press tribunal they
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00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:50,970
want to set up.
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00:09:50,971 --> 00:09:54,739
Oh, we're all against the idea of a
press tribunal, Dickie, but there are
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00:09:54,740 --> 00:09:55,980
methods of stopping it.
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00:09:57,110 --> 00:09:58,230
other methods.
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00:09:58,550 --> 00:10:02,470
Well, suppose this Lord Gilbert were
suddenly to be discredited in some way.
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00:10:02,490 --> 00:10:06,569
Suppose Greg Kettle happened to find
some dark guilty secret. Greg Kettle?
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00:10:06,570 --> 00:10:10,949
have you got that man up to now? Relax,
Dick. He's just making some routine
135
00:10:10,950 --> 00:10:14,230
inquiries. That's all just routine
inquiries.
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00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:17,130
Oh, this is...
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00:10:17,131 --> 00:10:23,599
That's about it on the confidential
police records, I think. Nothing to go
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00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,850
there. Onward, I think, Jez, to the next
one. What's going on here?
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00:10:27,940 --> 00:10:30,180
Scotland Yard drug offenders, 1987.
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00:10:30,660 --> 00:10:32,770
How on earth did... Just checking a few
files.
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00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:37,299
Using Jez's gizmo here, we're able to
hack in via the phone to various
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00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:38,840
records. Hack in? What...
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00:10:38,841 --> 00:10:43,359
You're certain it's been confidential
records? So far, we've done the Scotland
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00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:47,820
Yard drug squad, vice squad, parking
offenders, BBSC, inward revenue,
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00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,790
undischarged bankrupts, and, of course,
the major credit rating files.
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00:10:52,380 --> 00:10:54,760
There we are. There's the L's, you see.
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Good Lord, there's my name.
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I'd like you to raise your Barclay card,
limit.
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A thousand?
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00:11:02,260 --> 00:11:04,680
You put that back. OK, Greg.
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00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,060
Register of companies coming up now.
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00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:11,680
Complete inventory of all UK company
directors. Right.
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00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,740
Let's see if he's here.
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Lord... Lord... Ah,
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there we are. Lord Gilbert.
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Director of something called Regina
Recreates.
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Sounds promising.
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00:11:28,340 --> 00:11:32,959
Right, if you'll excuse me, Mr Lipton, I
think this firm could do with a little
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00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,620
visit from Her Majesty's Press. Cheers.
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00:11:36,270 --> 00:11:38,090
And no funny business, Greg or else.
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00:11:39,310 --> 00:11:43,190
I don't suppose you could get my name
off the Reader's Digest mailing list.
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00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:09,559
You from the customs and excise bin? Not
exactly, but our powers are very
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00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:10,610
similar.
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00:14:10,611 --> 00:14:14,859
Open up this one, if you would. Oh, no,
my boss says you can't open any of these
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00:14:14,860 --> 00:14:17,099
boxes without a search warrant. Quite
correct.
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00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:18,150
Have you got one?
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00:14:18,780 --> 00:14:19,830
Sorry?
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00:14:20,140 --> 00:14:21,240
Er, no.
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00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,540
All right, I'll overlook it just this
once. Go on.
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Thanks.
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All addressed to mail.
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00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,619
Order customers, I see, in plain
wrapping. What's in these pots? Well,
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different things, really.
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Oh, bugger it.
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I'll set them all on.
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You,
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00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:00,460
uh, take your coffee?
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You huffed out on the stairs back there.
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I guess it was the shock.
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00:15:14,530 --> 00:15:16,770
Is that really Judge Hitchcock in that
bed?
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00:15:17,470 --> 00:15:19,830
He's like a corpse. What's happened to
him?
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00:15:20,870 --> 00:15:22,750
What the hell's going on around here?
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00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:28,010
Copy deadline in five minutes, Dickie.
Where's Maggie's blockbuster story now?
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00:15:28,410 --> 00:15:29,870
She promised she'd phone in.
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00:15:30,270 --> 00:15:32,010
That isn't going to happen, Dickie.
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00:15:32,650 --> 00:15:37,399
Our only chance to maintain the... The
freedom of the press lies there in your
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hands.
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The secret shame of Lord Dildo.
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00:15:44,580 --> 00:15:49,619
Lord Gilbert, chairman of the Royal
Commission on the Press, is secretly the
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00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:53,120
director of a firm that turns out kinky
sex appliances.
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00:15:55,780 --> 00:16:01,939
The faux -faced peer who wants to clap
down on our saucy fun is himself an evil
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00:16:01,940 --> 00:16:02,990
porn merchant...
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00:16:13,950 --> 00:16:17,410
I mean, if you...
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00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:33,889
were suddenly to find out that ludovic
kennedy was secretly running a brothel
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00:16:33,890 --> 00:16:38,249
plymouth you'd never take did you see
seriously again now would you
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00:16:38,250 --> 00:16:44,889
maggie how did it go did you get
anywhere
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00:16:44,890 --> 00:16:51,249
yeah oh boy well the
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00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:55,689
murdered family of judge james hitchcock
were killed when a deadly virus
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00:16:55,690 --> 00:17:01,269
developed by american scientists for
german warfare is escaped from a U .S.
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00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:02,320
base.
201
00:17:03,430 --> 00:17:08,049
The virus has been secretly deployed by
the United States throughout Britain
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00:17:08,050 --> 00:17:14,149
without the knowledge of the British
government and in direct contravention
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00:17:14,150 --> 00:17:17,109
the existing world ban on biological
weapons.
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00:17:20,770 --> 00:17:24,270
Zetatoxin 100 is probably the most
lethal germ in the world.
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00:17:24,650 --> 00:17:28,050
It was genetically engineered in the
States for military use.
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00:17:28,510 --> 00:17:32,809
It spreads instantly through the
slightest physical contact, interferes
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nerves and muscles, and within an hour
or two, you're dead.
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00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:41,809
Well, three or so weeks ago, a US truck
carrying supplies of this stuff to
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00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:46,569
Redway Sands had a smash -up, and a load
of the sealed tube spilled out onto the
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roadside.
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00:17:47,621 --> 00:17:51,569
Now, one of these was never found until
Hitchcock's dog went sniffing round the
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bushes.
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00:17:53,370 --> 00:17:57,230
Hitchcock took the tube home, rang up
the airbase to tell them what he'd
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00:17:57,430 --> 00:18:01,509
and then... Went off to spend the
afternoon with his floozy in London,
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00:18:01,510 --> 00:18:03,870
the tube with his wife. And the germ
escaped?
216
00:18:03,871 --> 00:18:08,489
Well, the seal must have cracked during
the smash -up when the Americans arrived
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00:18:08,490 --> 00:18:09,870
with their yeti -look suits.
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00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:12,090
All they found was four dead bodies.
219
00:18:12,710 --> 00:18:15,530
But Hitchcock had also caught the virus.
220
00:18:16,230 --> 00:18:20,989
Yes, but for some reason it didn't take
immediate hold. He became a carrier
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00:18:20,990 --> 00:18:22,610
without developing the disease.
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00:18:22,930 --> 00:18:26,780
So without knowing it, he sentenced his
girlfriend to death that afternoon.
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00:18:26,830 --> 00:18:28,630
She must have died just after he left.
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00:18:28,770 --> 00:18:30,390
Along with her pet canary.
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00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:34,080
Well, the dead animals really should
have given us a clue.
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00:18:34,290 --> 00:18:38,489
Anyway, when Hitchcock got back, the
Americans carted him off to the airbase
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00:18:38,490 --> 00:18:40,840
where he couldn't spread the germ any
further.
228
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:45,369
Then, to divert suspicion, they took a
knife to everyone's throat to make it
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00:18:45,370 --> 00:18:47,660
look like the work of some kind of
psychopath.
230
00:18:48,510 --> 00:18:50,190
Well, there never were any aliens.
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00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:53,590
Mackenzie made up that UFO story on the
spur of the moment.
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00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,770
Where's Hitchcock now? Still at the
base?
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00:18:57,340 --> 00:19:01,180
Until this afternoon he was, but it
seems that after three weeks in his
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the Zeta toxin's finally taken hold.
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He's on the way out.
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He asked if he could go home to die.
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Of course, the American top brass said
no, but Mackenzie, well, he felt the
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whole thing stank already and it was the
least he could do.
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00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:19,660
So he snuck him back there today and
he'll stay with him until, well...
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He probably won't last another 24 hours.
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Well, I think it's goodbye to Lord Dodo,
Russell, don't you?
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OK, Maggie, bash it out fast as you can.
I'll need quotes from the Air Base, the
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US Embassy, the MOD.
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00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:41,480
This will mean a complete overhaul of
country and the spread. It's him,
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Mackenzie.
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00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,140
Hello? Miss Troon?
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Jesus, I don't know what's happened.
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He's gone.
249
00:19:49,531 --> 00:19:53,899
Well, I left him upstairs in bed while I
went to the john, and when I came out,
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00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:55,260
he's just gone.
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00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:56,760
I don't understand it.
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00:19:57,020 --> 00:20:00,000
Gone? But he wouldn't have had the
strength to walk.
253
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:05,300
It's Hitchcock. He's left the house
still carrying the virus, for God's
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00:20:05,301 --> 00:20:09,719
Russell? Yes, Mr. Lipton? I think you'd
better look at this. Front page of
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00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:10,800
Tomorrow Morning Sun.
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00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:15,400
Exclusive, we seize the hacking judge.
257
00:20:16,180 --> 00:20:17,230
Murder man.
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00:20:17,310 --> 00:20:22,309
hunt ends as our lads nab the beast of
the old bay in a dramatic 11th hour
259
00:20:22,310 --> 00:20:27,009
commando style raid last night crack
reporters from the sun tracked down and
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00:20:27,010 --> 00:20:33,729
seized judge james hitchcock and his
evil lair in hartfordshire bringing him
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00:20:33,730 --> 00:20:39,809
back to whopping to await arrest by the
police 27 journalists on the sun are
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00:20:39,810 --> 00:20:42,530
horribly killed after contact with a
lethal virus
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00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:48,260
The man they kidnapped, missing judge
James Hitchcock, dies in hospital.
264
00:20:49,740 --> 00:20:54,399
The full scandal of how American forces
smuggled illegal biological weapons onto
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00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:55,450
British soil.
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00:20:56,140 --> 00:21:00,839
And in Washington tonight, the president
calls an urgent meeting of his staff to
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00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,730
find out whether or not he had any idea
what was happening.
268
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:09,479
In the wake of today's sensational
disclosures by the Crucible, the Royal
269
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:12,519
Commission on the Press comes down
against statutory controls.
270
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:13,570
Their verdict?
271
00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:16,890
The tabloids must be left free to put
their own house in order.
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00:21:16,980 --> 00:21:21,599
I think it's clear that the Daily
Crucible, under my aegis, has
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00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:24,280
itself as a pioneer of probing
journalism.
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00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:28,599
And I can assure the British public
that, following the very sensible
275
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:32,980
by Lord Gilbert's Commission on Freedom
and the Press, that from now on,
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00:21:33,060 --> 00:21:36,500
integrity and responsibility are
assured.
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00:21:36,940 --> 00:21:41,000
And careless inaccuracies are a thing of
the past.
278
00:21:41,580 --> 00:21:42,630
Mr Lipton.
279
00:21:42,910 --> 00:21:43,960
Thank you.
280
00:21:44,150 --> 00:21:48,890
Now we move on to our report on the
booming trade in mail -order sex
281
00:21:50,550 --> 00:21:55,130
Nancy Wingate went to visit a man who
manufactures these bizarre marital aids,
282
00:21:55,290 --> 00:21:59,650
Mr Gilbert Lord, of Regina Requisites in
London.
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00:22:04,610 --> 00:22:11,330
Ladies and gentlemen, I come here
today...
284
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:17,439
Not to gloat over the hideous and
horrific deaths of the editorial staff
285
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:18,490
rival newspaper.
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00:22:18,860 --> 00:22:24,519
For gloating over hideous and horrific
deaths is the dose of clap in the
287
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:25,419
of men.
288
00:22:25,420 --> 00:22:32,179
Nor does it afford me one jot of
satisfaction to observe that large
289
00:22:32,180 --> 00:22:37,680
the British public, in their ignorance,
have decided to stop buying the sun.
290
00:22:38,220 --> 00:22:43,899
believing it to be contaminated with the
deadly virus that killed its
291
00:22:43,900 --> 00:22:50,739
supporters. There is no evidence
whatever to support such a ridiculous
292
00:22:50,740 --> 00:22:57,159
idea. And now, as the marble doors of
this special memorial
293
00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:03,799
tomb close for all eternity, let us pray
for the 28
294
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:07,340
departed colleagues of this...
295
00:23:08,940 --> 00:23:10,900
Fine, distinguished newspaper.
296
00:23:13,300 --> 00:23:18,699
The oration was one of your very best,
Mr Rathbone. A banquet for the eardrums.
297
00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:19,840
Thank you, Russell.
298
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,960
Incidentally, I thought it was 27
bodies, not 28.
299
00:23:23,340 --> 00:23:28,099
No, no, definitely 28 bodies. The man
who arranged them in the tomb told me
300
00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:29,480
quite distinctly. Oh, right.
301
00:23:30,140 --> 00:23:34,180
By the way, have you seen Dickie around
at all?
302
00:23:34,181 --> 00:23:38,109
Not since he collapsed in a dead faint
from heat exhaustion earlier this
303
00:23:38,110 --> 00:23:39,160
afternoon, sir.
304
00:23:39,350 --> 00:23:40,400
Oh, well.
305
00:23:41,050 --> 00:23:43,430
I expect he'll turn up.
306
00:23:45,130 --> 00:23:48,450
Tell me, any news on the Princess Diana
story?
307
00:23:48,451 --> 00:23:53,009
Well, Greg's interviewing some cannibals
now, sir, rather than professional
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00:23:53,010 --> 00:23:54,060
comics.
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00:23:54,410 --> 00:23:56,070
Oh, excellent.
310
00:24:22,090 --> 00:24:24,370
and a story with some sordid sex appeal.
311
00:24:25,530 --> 00:24:29,010
Someone's secrets we have grabbed.
Famous bags that we have stabbed.
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00:24:29,060 --> 00:24:33,610
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