Original subtitles

Papers!

Papers! Give us your daily news!

Papers!

Papers!

We'll tell you what's the news!

Just buy your papers!

Papers!

We'll tell you what's the news!

Get buy your papers!

Yes, we fully accepted the report was totally inaccurate.

and we are printing a full apology in the next... Yes, we fully accept now

your grandmother was not a witch.

And that your great -grandmother was never at any time a disciple of Count

Dracula.

Yes. Yes, and nor was your great -great -grandmother a one -eyed hunchback who

was kept in the attic so as not to frighten neighbors.

Yes, I'm sure your family has undergone much distress.

Yes. Yes, Your Royal Highness.

Yes, we will.

Goodbye, sir.

Well, the Duke of Edinburgh was not amused.

Two weeks ago, I seem to remember saying that all royal stories should be

treated with taste and sensitivity.

We didn't think you were serious, Dickie.

I was serious. Of course I was serious when I say something I mean it. Good God

above. Why is it that one can't leave this office for one week to have a

nervous breakdown without going back to this prado of fiction?

For God's sake, let's get this bloody paper on the road.

Now then, tomorrow's first edition. I take it we'll be leading with the Tamo

bomb blast in Colombo. Where's a copy for that?

A bit heavy for the front, isn't it, Dickie?

Steady Indians with your cornflakes.

It's a major international tragedy, Russell. What would you propose in this

place? I suppose you've got something. Morning, Russell.

Mr. Lipton's all there, as we discussed, I think.

Thank you.

Tinker Taylor, hello, Taylor.

The late Sir Reginald Tadworth, a former head of MI5 and close friend of George

VI, was in his spare time a male prostitute.

card reveals today.

As Reggie the rent boy, he used to hang around the Soviet embassy charging three

and six with a spank.

Important national security implications there, Vicky. Oh, yes, like they were

in last week's front page headline, the one that claimed that Mahatma Gandhi was

a Nazi.

Do you know respect for the dead of any kind, Russell?

We spoke the story about Gloria Honeyford.

Funny, Russell.

We print these stories simply because everyone else prints them. If we didn't

keep ahead of the competition, we wouldn't have any readers left.

Yes, we do always seem to know exactly what the others are about to print. I

wonder how.

I've been tragically rocked by emotional heartache, Doctor.

Last night, my wife slammed me over my dramatic bid to launch an amazing probe

into what we were having for tea.

She then hit out, laughed out and blasted me in an amazing major dramatic

storm over the way I talk.

Yes, well, your speech patterns have become somewhat distorted.

I gather after working for two and a half years as proofreader on the news of

the world.

That's right.

And last night my wife, luscious leggy Linda 33, saved some major blistering

attack and in a shock 11th hour flare -up.

sensationally axed my beans on toast.

Well, Mr. Coates, why don't you just resign?

I can't.

Someone's blackmailing me to stay on there.

I can now exclusively reveal as part of a dramatic bid in a hush -hush spy probe

into the news of the world's amazing top secret story.

Blackmailing you?

Who is blackmailing you?

Who is this person?

Ah, Mr. Coates, we meet again. And to my big kettle, Her Majesty's dress.

Mr. Coates, I'll have to ask you to come with me to assist with my inquiry.

No,

no. I won't give you the green light to quiz me again to spill more major

dramatic secrets.

I won't do it. Mr. Coates, I think you will remember this photograph taken 25

years ago in the church vestry after choir practice.

Yes, it's quite an interesting one, this, Russell. From what we can gather,

news of the world is about to pay a vast sum of money for certain goods believed

to be American in origin, which are all set to cause a major world sensation.

Goods? What sort of goods, Greg?

I don't know. He jumped out of the window at that point.

I think we can assume they relate to someone very well known.

Are you still here?

Get out.

Get out of this building!

this morbid obsession with dead celebrities is profane and it's

What we need in the media is a return to good Christian taste. And good

Christian taste is the mint sauce on the Lamb of God.

However, to business, as an ex -officio member of the board of Rathouse Leisure

Industries, it's time that you were involved more in the wider sphere of our

video and movie marketing. Now, these are the latest top -notch releases.

from the studio of 20th Century Rat.

Well, distribution deals still to be tied up.

Astro Driller Zombies 3.

Galactic Vampire Massacre.

Space Lesbian Chainsaw Nut.

For 15 and over.

We're holding press conferences at the end of this week. I'd like you to be

there, Dick. Here's my right hand.

It'll be a good experience for you.

Yes, I dare say. But I'm not sure... Excellent. In Japan, our flight for

leaves in a few hours. No need to pack. The car's all... No, no. I'm sorry, Mr

Rathburn. That's not the question. I refuse to leave spam for an instant, and

that's that.

Now, this merchandise, how can I be sure it's genuine?

Hey, listen, it's genuine.

If you don't want to take it, I'll go right back to the news of the world.

take it.

Now, the price, as we agreed on the phone.

The Crucible Building in Stepney. And careful how you go. We're carrying the

most sensational purchase in newspaper history.

Yo.

I can't see a problem, Maggie. I mean, what have we got here? A family of a

court judge discovered at home with their throats all cut. As is the woman

having it away with in Peckham.

Lad across the road says he saw a great lumbering creature, like some

extraterrestrial from another world, prowling around the girlfriend's house.

A real cream nerd, Russell, who's into telescope.

And sure enough, round the back of her place in the concrete, we find a set of

huge unearthly footprints.

Well, there's your story.

Hartford Sheripper came from Pluto.

E .T. Bigfoot Clue sheds new light on phantom necaxine.

worried about we get a libel writ from a space yeti.

You've seen me notes, Russell. Don't you think some of this is a bit strange?

Judge Hitchcock completely disappearing like that without trace.

And for that matter, his dog, the Cocker Spaniel, which I notice has also never

been found.

Why two of the victims were found still sitting at a chess table, all the pieces

still in place.

And why the girlfriend's pet canary was found lying dead in its cage. I mean,

the list just goes on. Well, alien visitors from another galaxy, who can

what happened? Alien?

Look, Russell, just give me a few more days. I mean, let me at least get some

kind of official confirmation. It's the end of the week, Maggie, that's all. We

can't sit on a story like this for long.

Pam?

Well, get back here as soon as you can and make sure nobody sees what's inside

that box. They might have a heart attack.

Make sure no one sees what's inside what box. What's going on here?

Just organising next week's bingo prize, Dickie. Incidentally, Dickie, while

you're in Japan, don't forget to try the raw squid they say... I'm not going to

Japan. Oh, I heard you were... I don't care what you heard.

Now, you might explain how this managed to sneak its way down to play stuff.

Prince Edward to have sex change, question mark.

It's a harmless fun, Dickie. That's all. You take it too seriously.

Unlike most of the royal princes, Edward can wear taffeta.

But you avoid low -cut dresses until his breasts are fully developed.

Who knew I had that one?

I'll write that down.

By the way, Mr. Lipton, when you're in Japan, could you bring me back one of

those new pocket televisions?

I'm not going to Japan. Where do people keep getting this from?

Captain. Look, where did you hear that?

I'm not going there, do you hear? Under any circumstances.

I'm not going to bloody Japan.

Don't you change your mind, Dickie. It's just a shame they made such a cock -up

of the flight arrangements.

How awful that you should have been squashed up in the economy class for 25

hours. Being sick in a jiffy back.

Well, I'm forced to have an extreme luxury at the front of the plane.

Champagne and beluga caviar are no lunches for a lifelong socialist,

Heads will roll at B .A. for this, I can tell you. Heads will roll back and step

to me, Mr. Rathburn, if I find Spam's been up to any of his usual deviant

when I've been away.

Oh, dear, he was engaged three hours ago when I rang from the airport.

He's up to something.

I know he's up to something.

This is the biggest one we've ever pulled off.

Take a look, Jack.

All the way from Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee, home of the late, great Elvis

Presley.

I don't believe it, Russell. His bones.

What is this programme?

One of Japan's top game shows.

This elderly couple in Mexico think that their hotel's being destroyed by an

earthquake.

But in fact, it's nothing but a rather crazy stunt for the candid kamikaze

team.

sound for the TV ad. Yes, it's true.

Now you can be the owner of Elvis' pelvis with the

bingo prize of the century.

Fill your card with lucky numbers and you could be the proud possessor of the

jawbone that sang Heartbreak Hotel.

So we'll splice a few clips from his movies together. I had a page three girl

digging up a grave and Bob's your uncle.

phone off the hook, Jack, will you? It's driving me mad.

Dickie, I'd like you to meet Mr.

Hieronymus Lipski of the FD. How do you do?

Mr. Globulus of the Tel Aviv distribution group.

And... Mr.

Leif Eriksson of the Swedish Film Acquisitions Committee.

How do you do?

Mr. Dickie Lipton, who was once a distinguished TV celebrity in our

Many of you may remember him from your visits to Britain.

Aha, Lipton.

I see you're William Peter.

I'm sorry, gentlemen, I'm more than anxious to see our new catalogue of top

-class family entertainment, Dickie.

Yes, well, we have a wide... range of delightful and absorbing films which we

think will appeal to audiences right across the world, comprising Grizzly

Robbers from Hell, Bloodbath of the Alien Slave Bimbos,

Astro Driller Zombies Scream, all very

enjoyable movies.

There seem to be no takers, sir.

Look, this is, you know, a top security U .S. Air Force base. You'll have to

speak to our press officer, Lieutenant Merrick, because I... I don't get on

well with Mr. Merrick.

I never get on with any man whose neck is wider than his head.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Look, that is immaterial. We have a procedure which has to be...

Our editor wants to run a story saying the murders at Judge Hitchcock's house

are the work of aliens from outer space.

I know.

Based on the fact that some loon of a neighbour thinks he saw a big creature

loping around the scene of the crime.

Well, I just thought if there had been anything weird, you know, you'd have

picked it up on your radar stuff and... What's the matter?

Jesus, I don't... Well, I guess it's all tied in here.

What all tied in?

Well, about the time those murders happened, we were getting some real

activity in the electromagnetic field.

On several nights, we were picking up some kind of unidentified craft flying

over this area. We don't have the faintest idea where it came from. You're

kidding. And what exactly did this kind of... Oh, jeepers, the hotline.

Colonel Northup, right out the summons. Colonel Northup.

That's the top priority line for the commanding officer of this base.

I don't recall the last time it rang.

Northcote. Yeah?

Yeah?

What?

Oh, right.

It's for you.

Mr. Rathbone!

I've just seen it! You better take the first plane back! Well, it took time to

put a stop to it.

By the time I finish with Spam, they'll be giving his bloody bones away!

anything interesting, have you, Sergeant?

That's for you to guess, isn't it?

Guess?

Right, er... Wouldn't be, erm... dead cocker spaniel, would it?

How much do you know about all this?

Can't you see how it all fits yet, Sergeant?

You saw the bodies.

Two of them were found murdered sitting at a table. A complete chessboard still

in front of them, every piece still in place.

Now, don't you think that's a bit odd?

In what way?

How could a man come into a room and cut both the throats without leaving any

signs of disturbance?

Unless, of course... Unless what?

Unless... they were already dead in the first place.

Already dead?

Why would you want to cut someone's throat if they were already dead?

Well, that's for you to try and guess, isn't it, Sergeant?

Bye -bye.

Right, then. The first prize is due to be won Monday. Now, then, who's

to make the special presentation?

We were wondering if we could get Lionel Blair.

If we could get Lionel Blair, we wouldn't need the skeleton.

Ma 'am?

Dickie who?

Dickie? What?

And fate has this time struck a cruel blow indeed.

It seems that Dickie was rushing back to congratulate us on our initiative in

his plan to make an emergency stop in Saudi Arabia. During a routine search of

his baggage, officials discovered several copies of sexually violent

including Astro Driller Zombies 3.

And now, according to strict Islamic law, he's been thrown into jail and

sentenced to a public... That's terrible.

Now then, I wonder if Bob Monkhouse would be available.

I flew out as soon as I heard. How are you feeling?

About as well as anyone would feel when they've been chained up in a dungeon and

sentenced to 50 lashes.

My God, I can't believe this is happening.

Vicky, do you by any chance remember a little program we were watching in Japan

where innocent members of the public were hoodwinked into thinking

horrors were about to befall them? A program called Candid Kamikaze.

Don't be...

I've managed to buy up the world's TV and video rights to the format.

Unfortunately, this horror couldn't be more real.

It will be ripped in the main square at 10 .30 tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow? But I... Yes, they've put it back a day, apparently to coincide with

Princess Anne's royal visit. As soon as she heard the managing editor of The

Crucible was to be publicly flogged, she immediately ordered ringside seats.

The British newspaper man who was arrested yesterday in the Middle East

tried and found guilty of offences against Islam, including the illegal

importing of sexually violent films on video.

And despite pleas by his solicitor for a reprieve, the public whipping of the

Crucible's managing editor, Mr Richard Lipton, went ahead this morning in Saudi

Arabia.

Crucible proprietor, Mr Terence Rathburn, commented, this is a sacrifice

noblest order.

Bloody painful.

I think it was lucky the crucible lawyer got you off with ten lashes. It could

have been much worse.

It wasn't for this appalling Elvis Presley stunt. It's the most sickening,

tasteless... I agree, Dickie. We cancelled the whole thing. And I order

cancel the... Cancel it?

No, sorry, Dickie. Haven't you heard the news?

We had all the bones wired up for a photo call with Maggie Philbin.

And that's when we discovered we'd been duped. It seemed some...

unscrupulous con merchant from the States sold us the bones of an African

gorilla, claiming it was Elvis.

Oh, brilliant.

So what's next on the agenda, Russell, hmm?

I know. We'll buy half a pound of Scraggan and say it's Rod Stewart.

Yes, the guy.

Fortunately, there is a silver lining. I'm just back from the publishers, and

they reckon that this new project will break all literary records.

Blue suede swindle?

Riveting insight by crucible reporters into the great Elvis Presley skeleton

hoax. The Hitler diaries meet the piltdown man.

It'll be a bestseller, Dickie.

We're already back in pocket from the advance alone.

Don't think you can get away with this, Russell.

Quite apart from all the hideous publicity and the fact that I've got to

on ice packs for the next six weeks, I'm still extremely angry I couldn't have

been through to you on the phone when I was away.

Oh, well, Dickie, you know transcontinental calls. You can't get

love nor money. It's a total waste of spam.

Yes. Mr.

Rathbone in Japan would like a word.

I thought you'd like to hear the good news, Dickie.

The worldwide...

coverage of your flogging in Saudi Arabia has resulted in massive publicity

all our videos are now so famous that orders are flooding in from all sides.

Rumour has it that exports of astro -driller zombies alone will end up

us the Queen's Award for Industry.

Nicky, this is a cross line. I thought I heard someone scream.

Papers, papers, give us your daily news.

Papers, papers,

we'll tell you what's the news.

Just buy your papers, papers, we'll tell you what's the news.

On any page you'll find disaster, servants killing off his master, and a

with some slaughtered sex to feel.

Someone's secrets we have grabbed. Famous facts that we have stabbed.

Now you know whether real is really real.

Paper!