All language subtitles for Hot Metal s02e05 Crown Of Thorns

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Yes, we fully accepted the report was
totally inaccurate.

and we are printing a full apology in
the next... Yes, we fully accept now

your grandmother was not a witch.

And that your great -grandmother was
never at any time a disciple of Count

Dracula.

Yes. Yes, and nor was your great -great
-grandmother a one -eyed hunchback who

was kept in the attic so as not to
frighten neighbors.

Yes, I'm sure your family has undergone
much distress.

Yes. Yes, Your Royal Highness.

Yes, we will.

Goodbye, sir.

Well, the Duke of Edinburgh was not
amused.

Two weeks ago, I seem to remember saying
that all royal stories should be

treated with taste and sensitivity.

We didn't think you were serious,
Dickie.

I was serious. Of course I was serious
when I say something I mean it. Good God

above. Why is it that one can't leave
this office for one week to have a

nervous breakdown without going back to
this prado of fiction?

For God's sake, let's get this bloody
paper on the road.

Now then, tomorrow's first edition. I
take it we'll be leading with the Tamo

bomb blast in Colombo. Where's a copy
for that?

A bit heavy for the front, isn't it,
Dickie?

Steady Indians with your cornflakes.

It's a major international tragedy,
Russell. What would you propose in this

place? I suppose you've got something.
Morning, Russell.

Mr. Lipton's all there, as we discussed,
I think.

Thank you.

Tinker Taylor, hello, Taylor.

The late Sir Reginald Tadworth, a former
head of MI5 and close friend of George

VI, was in his spare time a male
prostitute.

card reveals today.

As Reggie the rent boy, he used to hang
around the Soviet embassy charging three

and six with a spank.

Important national security implications
there, Vicky. Oh, yes, like they were

in last week's front page headline, the
one that claimed that Mahatma Gandhi was

a Nazi.

Do you know respect for the dead of any
kind, Russell?

We spoke the story about Gloria
Honeyford.

Funny, Russell.

We print these stories simply because
everyone else prints them. If we didn't

keep ahead of the competition, we
wouldn't have any readers left.

Yes, we do always seem to know exactly
what the others are about to print. I

wonder how.

I've been tragically rocked by emotional
heartache, Doctor.

Last night, my wife slammed me over my
dramatic bid to launch an amazing probe

into what we were having for tea.

She then hit out, laughed out and
blasted me in an amazing major dramatic

storm over the way I talk.

Yes, well, your speech patterns have
become somewhat distorted.

I gather after working for two and a
half years as proofreader on the news of

the world.

That's right.

And last night my wife, luscious leggy
Linda 33, saved some major blistering

attack and in a shock 11th hour flare
-up.

sensationally axed my beans on toast.

Well, Mr. Coates, why don't you just
resign?

I can't.

Someone's blackmailing me to stay on
there.

I can now exclusively reveal as part of
a dramatic bid in a hush -hush spy probe

into the news of the world's amazing top
secret story.

Blackmailing you?

Who is blackmailing you?

Who is this person?

Ah, Mr. Coates, we meet again. And to my
big kettle, Her Majesty's dress.

Mr. Coates, I'll have to ask you to come
with me to assist with my inquiry.

No,

no. I won't give you the green light to
quiz me again to spill more major

dramatic secrets.

I won't do it. Mr. Coates, I think you
will remember this photograph taken 25

years ago in the church vestry after
choir practice.

Yes, it's quite an interesting one,
this, Russell. From what we can gather,

news of the world is about to pay a vast
sum of money for certain goods believed

to be American in origin, which are all
set to cause a major world sensation.

Goods? What sort of goods, Greg?

I don't know. He jumped out of the
window at that point.

I think we can assume they relate to
someone very well known.

Are you still here?

Get out.

Get out of this building!

this morbid obsession with dead
celebrities is profane and it's

What we need in the media is a return to
good Christian taste. And good

Christian taste is the mint sauce on the
Lamb of God.

However, to business, as an ex -officio
member of the board of Rathouse Leisure

Industries, it's time that you were
involved more in the wider sphere of our

video and movie marketing. Now, these
are the latest top -notch releases.

from the studio of 20th Century Rat.

Well, distribution deals still to be
tied up.

Astro Driller Zombies 3.

Galactic Vampire Massacre.

Space Lesbian Chainsaw Nut.

For 15 and over.

We're holding press conferences at the
end of this week. I'd like you to be

there, Dick. Here's my right hand.

It'll be a good experience for you.

Yes, I dare say. But I'm not sure...
Excellent. In Japan, our flight for

leaves in a few hours. No need to pack.
The car's all... No, no. I'm sorry, Mr

Rathburn. That's not the question. I
refuse to leave spam for an instant, and

that's that.

Now, this merchandise, how can I be sure
it's genuine?

Hey, listen, it's genuine.

If you don't want to take it, I'll go
right back to the news of the world.

take it.

Now, the price, as we agreed on the
phone.

The Crucible Building in Stepney. And
careful how you go. We're carrying the

most sensational purchase in newspaper
history.

Yo.

I can't see a problem, Maggie. I mean,
what have we got here? A family of a

court judge discovered at home with
their throats all cut. As is the woman

having it away with in Peckham.

Lad across the road says he saw a great
lumbering creature, like some

extraterrestrial from another world,
prowling around the girlfriend's house.

A real cream nerd, Russell, who's into
telescope.

And sure enough, round the back of her
place in the concrete, we find a set of

huge unearthly footprints.

Well, there's your story.

Hartford Sheripper came from Pluto.

E .T. Bigfoot Clue sheds new light on
phantom necaxine.

worried about we get a libel writ from a
space yeti.

You've seen me notes, Russell. Don't you
think some of this is a bit strange?

Judge Hitchcock completely disappearing
like that without trace.

And for that matter, his dog, the Cocker
Spaniel, which I notice has also never

been found.

Why two of the victims were found still
sitting at a chess table, all the pieces

still in place.

And why the girlfriend's pet canary was
found lying dead in its cage. I mean,

the list just goes on. Well, alien
visitors from another galaxy, who can

what happened? Alien?

Look, Russell, just give me a few more
days. I mean, let me at least get some

kind of official confirmation. It's the
end of the week, Maggie, that's all. We

can't sit on a story like this for long.

Pam?

Well, get back here as soon as you can
and make sure nobody sees what's inside

that box. They might have a heart
attack.

Make sure no one sees what's inside what
box. What's going on here?

Just organising next week's bingo prize,
Dickie. Incidentally, Dickie, while

you're in Japan, don't forget to try the
raw squid they say... I'm not going to

Japan. Oh, I heard you were... I don't
care what you heard.

Now, you might explain how this managed
to sneak its way down to play stuff.

Prince Edward to have sex change,
question mark.

It's a harmless fun, Dickie. That's all.
You take it too seriously.

Unlike most of the royal princes, Edward
can wear taffeta.

But you avoid low -cut dresses until his
breasts are fully developed.

Who knew I had that one?

I'll write that down.

By the way, Mr. Lipton, when you're in
Japan, could you bring me back one of

those new pocket televisions?

I'm not going to Japan. Where do people
keep getting this from?

Captain. Look, where did you hear that?

I'm not going there, do you hear? Under
any circumstances.

I'm not going to bloody Japan.

Don't you change your mind, Dickie. It's
just a shame they made such a cock -up

of the flight arrangements.

How awful that you should have been
squashed up in the economy class for 25

hours. Being sick in a jiffy back.

Well, I'm forced to have an extreme
luxury at the front of the plane.

Champagne and beluga caviar are no
lunches for a lifelong socialist,

Heads will roll at B .A. for this, I can
tell you. Heads will roll back and step

to me, Mr. Rathburn, if I find Spam's
been up to any of his usual deviant

when I've been away.

Oh, dear, he was engaged three hours ago
when I rang from the airport.

He's up to something.

I know he's up to something.

This is the biggest one we've ever
pulled off.

Take a look, Jack.

All the way from Graceland, Memphis,
Tennessee, home of the late, great Elvis

Presley.

I don't believe it, Russell. His bones.

What is this programme?

One of Japan's top game shows.

This elderly couple in Mexico think that
their hotel's being destroyed by an

earthquake.

But in fact, it's nothing but a rather
crazy stunt for the candid kamikaze

team.

sound for the TV ad. Yes, it's true.

Now you can be the owner of Elvis'
pelvis with the

bingo prize of the century.

Fill your card with lucky numbers and
you could be the proud possessor of the

jawbone that sang Heartbreak Hotel.

So we'll splice a few clips from his
movies together. I had a page three girl

digging up a grave and Bob's your uncle.

phone off the hook, Jack, will you? It's
driving me mad.

Dickie, I'd like you to meet Mr.

Hieronymus Lipski of the FD. How do you
do?

Mr. Globulus of the Tel Aviv
distribution group.

And... Mr.

Leif Eriksson of the Swedish Film
Acquisitions Committee.

How do you do?

Mr. Dickie Lipton, who was once a
distinguished TV celebrity in our

Many of you may remember him from your
visits to Britain.

Aha, Lipton.

I see you're William Peter.

I'm sorry, gentlemen, I'm more than
anxious to see our new catalogue of top

-class family entertainment, Dickie.

Yes, well, we have a wide... range of
delightful and absorbing films which we

think will appeal to audiences right
across the world, comprising Grizzly

Robbers from Hell, Bloodbath of the
Alien Slave Bimbos,

Astro Driller Zombies Scream, all very

enjoyable movies.

There seem to be no takers, sir.

Look, this is, you know, a top security
U .S. Air Force base. You'll have to

speak to our press officer, Lieutenant
Merrick, because I... I don't get on

well with Mr. Merrick.

I never get on with any man whose neck
is wider than his head.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Look, that is immaterial. We have a
procedure which has to be...

Our editor wants to run a story saying
the murders at Judge Hitchcock's house

are the work of aliens from outer space.

I know.

Based on the fact that some loon of a
neighbour thinks he saw a big creature

loping around the scene of the crime.

Well, I just thought if there had been
anything weird, you know, you'd have

picked it up on your radar stuff and...
What's the matter?

Jesus, I don't... Well, I guess it's all
tied in here.

What all tied in?

Well, about the time those murders
happened, we were getting some real

activity in the electromagnetic field.

On several nights, we were picking up
some kind of unidentified craft flying

over this area. We don't have the
faintest idea where it came from. You're

kidding. And what exactly did this kind
of... Oh, jeepers, the hotline.

Colonel Northup, right out the summons.
Colonel Northup.

That's the top priority line for the
commanding officer of this base.

I don't recall the last time it rang.

Northcote. Yeah?

Yeah?

What?

Oh, right.

It's for you.

Mr. Rathbone!

I've just seen it! You better take the
first plane back! Well, it took time to

put a stop to it.

By the time I finish with Spam, they'll
be giving his bloody bones away!

anything interesting, have you,
Sergeant?

That's for you to guess, isn't it?

Guess?

Right, er... Wouldn't be, erm... dead
cocker spaniel, would it?

How much do you know about all this?

Can't you see how it all fits yet,
Sergeant?

You saw the bodies.

Two of them were found murdered sitting
at a table. A complete chessboard still

in front of them, every piece still in
place.

Now, don't you think that's a bit odd?

In what way?

How could a man come into a room and cut
both the throats without leaving any

signs of disturbance?

Unless, of course... Unless what?

Unless... they were already dead in the
first place.

Already dead?

Why would you want to cut someone's
throat if they were already dead?

Well, that's for you to try and guess,
isn't it, Sergeant?

Bye -bye.

Right, then. The first prize is due to
be won Monday. Now, then, who's

to make the special presentation?

We were wondering if we could get Lionel
Blair.

If we could get Lionel Blair, we
wouldn't need the skeleton.

Ma 'am?

Dickie who?

Dickie? What?

And fate has this time struck a cruel
blow indeed.

It seems that Dickie was rushing back to
congratulate us on our initiative in

his plan to make an emergency stop in
Saudi Arabia. During a routine search of

his baggage, officials discovered
several copies of sexually violent

including Astro Driller Zombies 3.

And now, according to strict Islamic
law, he's been thrown into jail and

sentenced to a public... That's
terrible.

Now then, I wonder if Bob Monkhouse
would be available.

I flew out as soon as I heard. How are
you feeling?

About as well as anyone would feel when
they've been chained up in a dungeon and

sentenced to 50 lashes.

My God, I can't believe this is
happening.

Vicky, do you by any chance remember a
little program we were watching in Japan

where innocent members of the public
were hoodwinked into thinking

horrors were about to befall them? A
program called Candid Kamikaze.

Don't be...

I've managed to buy up the world's TV
and video rights to the format.

Unfortunately, this horror couldn't be
more real.

It will be ripped in the main square at
10 .30 tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow? But I... Yes, they've put it
back a day, apparently to coincide with

Princess Anne's royal visit. As soon as
she heard the managing editor of The

Crucible was to be publicly flogged, she
immediately ordered ringside seats.

The British newspaper man who was
arrested yesterday in the Middle East

tried and found guilty of offences
against Islam, including the illegal

importing of sexually violent films on
video.

And despite pleas by his solicitor for a
reprieve, the public whipping of the

Crucible's managing editor, Mr Richard
Lipton, went ahead this morning in Saudi

Arabia.

Crucible proprietor, Mr Terence
Rathburn, commented, this is a sacrifice

noblest order.

Bloody painful.

I think it was lucky the crucible lawyer
got you off with ten lashes. It could

have been much worse.

It wasn't for this appalling Elvis
Presley stunt. It's the most sickening,

tasteless... I agree, Dickie. We
cancelled the whole thing. And I order

cancel the... Cancel it?

No, sorry, Dickie. Haven't you heard the
news?

We had all the bones wired up for a
photo call with Maggie Philbin.

And that's when we discovered we'd been
duped. It seemed some...

unscrupulous con merchant from the
States sold us the bones of an African

gorilla, claiming it was Elvis.

Oh, brilliant.

So what's next on the agenda, Russell,
hmm?

I know. We'll buy half a pound of
Scraggan and say it's Rod Stewart.

Yes, the guy.

Fortunately, there is a silver lining.
I'm just back from the publishers, and

they reckon that this new project will
break all literary records.

Blue suede swindle?

Riveting insight by crucible reporters
into the great Elvis Presley skeleton

hoax. The Hitler diaries meet the
piltdown man.

It'll be a bestseller, Dickie.

We're already back in pocket from the
advance alone.

Don't think you can get away with this,
Russell.

Quite apart from all the hideous
publicity and the fact that I've got to

on ice packs for the next six weeks, I'm
still extremely angry I couldn't have

been through to you on the phone when I
was away.

Oh, well, Dickie, you know
transcontinental calls. You can't get

love nor money. It's a total waste of
spam.

Yes. Mr.

Rathbone in Japan would like a word.

I thought you'd like to hear the good
news, Dickie.

The worldwide...

coverage of your flogging in Saudi
Arabia has resulted in massive publicity

all our videos are now so famous that
orders are flooding in from all sides.

Rumour has it that exports of astro
-driller zombies alone will end up

us the Queen's Award for Industry.

Nicky, this is a cross line. I thought I
heard someone scream.

Papers, papers, give us your daily news.

Papers, papers,

we'll tell you what's the news.

Just buy your papers, papers, we'll tell
you what's the news.

On any page you'll find disaster,
servants killing off his master, and a

with some slaughtered sex to feel.

Someone's secrets we have grabbed.
Famous facts that we have stabbed.

Now you know whether real is really
real.

Paper!