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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,010 --> 00:00:06,730 Harold Jotlin Singer was a giant among newspaper men. 2 00:00:07,650 --> 00:00:12,870 The day he accepted my invitation to become the executive managing editor of 3 00:00:12,870 --> 00:00:16,670 Daily Crucible, I gave thanks to God and wept for three hours. 4 00:00:17,430 --> 00:00:23,090 For I knew that I was not fit to lick the back bumper of his Vauxhall Nova. 5 00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:25,590 Only a month ago. 6 00:00:26,380 --> 00:00:29,320 He went on a brief holiday to the Bahamas. 7 00:00:29,820 --> 00:00:34,640 A holiday he was to cut short when he heard the Crucible's plans to publish 8 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,180 memoirs of Molly Sudden's gynecologists. 9 00:00:39,180 --> 00:00:45,380 It is now three and a half weeks since his plane went missing in the Bermuda 10 00:00:45,380 --> 00:00:46,380 Triangle. 11 00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:51,640 And we can only fear the worst, that he has died a horrific and hideously grisly 12 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:54,060 death. But stone dead though he be. 13 00:00:54,640 --> 00:01:00,460 He is yet remembered and revered, and this much I promise, come what may, we 14 00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:06,180 remain, we who cherish all that is good in British journalism will never forget 15 00:01:06,180 --> 00:01:07,660 the name of... 16 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:54,580 Twelve months ago this week, multimillionaire Terence Twiggy Rathbone 17 00:01:54,580 --> 00:01:59,600 the ailing Daily Crucible, then acknowledged as the dreariest newspaper 18 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:00,600 English language. 19 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:05,620 A paper so dull, proofreaders had been known to go into a terminal coma while 20 00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:06,740 taking the weather report. 21 00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:14,660 Within weeks, Rathbone's new editor, Russell Spam, had revived the Crucible's 22 00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:17,800 flagging fortunes with a heady brew of inventive gimmicks. 23 00:02:20,860 --> 00:02:25,980 racy storylines, and aggressive advertising. 24 00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:34,740 Today, Rathbone's plans for a new evening paper, The London Fog, are said 25 00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:39,080 well -advanced, along with a special Braille edition of The Crucible for 26 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:40,080 people. 27 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:49,040 Mr. Rathbone, rumor has it you may soon be introducing new printing technology. 28 00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:55,830 And your plan is to lose 60 % of the workforce the British way through a 29 00:02:55,830 --> 00:02:59,710 combination of natural wastage and industrial accidents. 30 00:03:00,690 --> 00:03:03,030 I'm looking to reassure your workers. 31 00:03:03,590 --> 00:03:07,670 British print workers are the salt of the earth, Dickie. 32 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,800 I, as a lifelong socialist, have only their best interests at heart. 33 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:16,840 Yes, you claim to be a lifelong socialist and have done ever since 34 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:20,400 back into power at the last election. Though this time last year you were 35 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:26,000 saying, and I quote, all socialists are a festering canker on the backside of 36 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,000 society. 37 00:03:28,220 --> 00:03:31,580 Incredibly out of context there, Dickie. No, no, no, no. 38 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:36,880 I've always been a staunch supporter of the Labour movement. 39 00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:41,010 And I've nothing but admiration for this new royal commission they've set up to 40 00:03:41,010 --> 00:03:45,530 investigate the insidious right -wing press barons who are monopolising our 41 00:03:45,530 --> 00:03:46,530 newspapers. 42 00:03:46,630 --> 00:03:51,310 The British press has a fine, noble tradition moulded by the greatest men of 43 00:03:51,310 --> 00:03:57,650 time. Rothermere, Beaverbrook, Northcliffe, and... this man, 44 00:03:57,830 --> 00:04:00,530 whose name will never be forgotten. 45 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:09,210 Our task now, though Herculean, is to... Select his successor. In the 46 00:04:09,210 --> 00:04:14,110 meantime, his spirit lives on at the Crucible as a testament to the values of 47 00:04:14,110 --> 00:04:16,649 decency and good taste in modern journalism. 48 00:04:17,149 --> 00:04:18,930 Turn that dribble off, will you, Jack? 49 00:04:19,990 --> 00:04:21,170 I'm sorry, Greg. 50 00:04:21,709 --> 00:04:24,370 Yeah, 5 .9 inches, yes. 51 00:04:25,350 --> 00:04:26,770 6 .2 inches. 52 00:04:27,470 --> 00:04:28,630 All right. 53 00:04:30,450 --> 00:04:31,510 And Prince Edward? 54 00:04:32,150 --> 00:04:34,590 All right. 55 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,080 I may suffer him at all. 56 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:40,800 Yes, true. 57 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:46,800 What sort of man, Mr. Ratburn, will you be looking for as the new managing 58 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:47,960 editor of The Crucible? 59 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,540 Let me tell you the sort of man I won't be looking for, Dickie. 60 00:04:51,780 --> 00:04:54,640 An intellectual figurehead, a sham. 61 00:04:55,370 --> 00:04:59,610 whose only purpose is to give the paper a spurious credibility in the eyes of 62 00:04:59,610 --> 00:05:00,449 the authorities. 63 00:05:00,450 --> 00:05:01,570 I think you know the sort. 64 00:05:01,890 --> 00:05:05,850 Television's littered with them. The smarmy little former announcer with his 65 00:05:05,850 --> 00:05:10,010 afternoon show thinks he's a journalist and wouldn't know a news story from a 66 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,010 lump of dust. 67 00:05:13,490 --> 00:05:17,970 Oh, we need someone who is strong and dynamic. 68 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,720 Someone like yourself, Dickie, who I've always admired ever since you used to 69 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:28,040 read the late -night pig prices on Chilton Radio. 70 00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:30,460 Not really, Mr. Rathburn. 71 00:05:30,860 --> 00:05:34,160 You're a man who doesn't know the meaning of the word illiterate, Dickie. 72 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,500 took Sharp and Operator to be taken in by key polyflattery. 73 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:39,440 Thank you very much, sir. 74 00:05:40,460 --> 00:05:44,760 The principal's editor, Russell Pound, is getting too big for his boots. He 75 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:48,880 needs to be taken down a peg or two, and you could be the man to do it, Dickie. 76 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:55,080 Mr. Richard Lipton will assume his new position with immediate effect, and I'm 77 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:58,840 confident he'll uphold the same standards of integrity as his 78 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:02,240 predecessor, whose name will never be forgotten. 79 00:06:02,580 --> 00:06:08,120 He will be frank, vociferous, and outspoken in every way. 80 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:13,200 Yes, and in particular, I'd just like to say... That's all we have time for 81 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:14,200 nowadays. 82 00:06:15,340 --> 00:06:19,330 Dickie? This is the proudest moment of my life, to serve underneath a man whose 83 00:06:19,330 --> 00:06:23,830 tough and gritty skills I've admired ever since he used to present Birthday 84 00:06:23,830 --> 00:06:26,690 on Anglia television, dressed in a giant rabbit suit. 85 00:06:27,590 --> 00:06:31,170 Just the sort of dynamic force... All right, Russell, that's enough of that 86 00:06:31,170 --> 00:06:36,750 flannel. I'm here today with a personal mandate from Mr Rathbone to clean this 87 00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:40,350 paper up, starting with this little gem. 88 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:45,740 The male members of the royal family, how do they measure up to each other? 89 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,420 This is nothing short of pornography. 90 00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:51,880 Where did you get this information? 91 00:06:52,660 --> 00:06:56,260 Insiders at the palace, Dickie. Insiders? What are the insiders? Prince 92 00:06:56,260 --> 00:06:57,260 trousers? 93 00:06:58,700 --> 00:07:03,480 Now on, Russell, the Crucible will find rather more elevated topics to fill its 94 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:04,520 columns. Is that clear? 95 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:05,920 As crystal, Dickie. 96 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,840 Nothing could be more elevated than my next piece of news. 97 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:15,240 Today, gentlemen, Ladies, I signed on the most sensational newspaper columnist 98 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:19,860 in publishing history. Someone more qualified than anyone else alive to 99 00:07:19,860 --> 00:07:23,340 about global affairs and declining human morals in the world today. 100 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,340 Really, Russell? Who's that? 101 00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:26,860 God. 102 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:28,720 God, 103 00:07:29,260 --> 00:07:33,940 Dickie. Every Thursday starting this week, God will contribute 500 words 104 00:07:33,940 --> 00:07:38,840 exclusively to the daily crucible. The words in this case being conveyed to us 105 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:42,180 through a very holy man who is the almighty chosen prophet on earth. 106 00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:44,260 Ah, I see. 107 00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:49,380 You mean a spokesman for the church putting forward the holy gospel in the 108 00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:52,600 of a... Lifton. 109 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,880 Oh, yes, Mr. Rathbone. 110 00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:58,100 Really? 111 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,760 Yes, I'd be delighted to, sir. 112 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:04,120 This evening. 113 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:09,280 Yes, I've been asked to address a special conference of Polynesian 114 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,120 editors in John O 'Groats this evening. 115 00:08:12,220 --> 00:08:14,300 Congratulations, Dickie, an honour indeed. 116 00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:16,300 Remember, 117 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:23,220 Russell, no fast ones while I'm gone. I'd as soon slit my grandmother's 118 00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:24,300 Dickie. 119 00:08:27,020 --> 00:08:30,140 holy man of God, who was the Almighty's chosen prophet on Earth, Russell. You 120 00:08:30,140 --> 00:08:31,140 didn't tell us his name. 121 00:08:32,140 --> 00:08:36,240 Sergeant Major Ken Lutterworth of the Essex Light Infantry. 122 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:42,220 Yes, I've been imbued with the Holy Spirit since last February, I think it 123 00:08:42,799 --> 00:08:43,860 February the 13th. 124 00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:48,780 I gather God came to you in an amphibious landing craft. 125 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:50,320 Sometimes. 126 00:08:51,540 --> 00:08:52,540 Fine. 127 00:08:53,580 --> 00:08:57,260 Well, Sergeant Major, this will be very useful background for our readers, so 128 00:08:57,260 --> 00:09:01,220 it's been a real... Yes, well, the key is, you see, not to let army work rule 129 00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:02,219 your life. 130 00:09:02,220 --> 00:09:05,740 A lot of people in my position, military procedure, gets into their system. 131 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,120 They can't shake it off. 132 00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:08,860 Would you like a cup of tea? 133 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:10,320 Oh, lovely. 134 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:11,880 Sugar? Yes, please. 135 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,980 So I made you a lot of work, Mrs Brinsdale. Two teas, one with, one 136 00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:17,980 the lounge. On the double, thank you. 137 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:22,480 Is this more than you? 138 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,400 No, I'm fine. 139 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:26,780 I'm sorry about that. 140 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:33,640 Yes, it's more like a transcendental experience, really. 141 00:09:34,220 --> 00:09:39,800 The material world seems to recede, and slowly my mind becomes intoxicated with 142 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:40,860 God's only knowledge. 143 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,340 That's when it's best to get it all down, you see. On to paper. 144 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,280 Yeah, that's really paper. 145 00:09:47,229 --> 00:09:49,810 I've got to get tablets of stone for the typewriter. 146 00:09:50,710 --> 00:09:51,830 Well, it's all there. 147 00:09:52,310 --> 00:09:53,830 Any spelling mistakes of mine? 148 00:09:54,190 --> 00:09:55,190 Not God's. 149 00:09:55,690 --> 00:09:56,930 He's infallible, of course. 150 00:09:57,690 --> 00:09:58,690 Of course. 151 00:09:59,130 --> 00:10:03,390 Well, I'd better skip the cuppa. They're all on tenterhooks with this back at 152 00:10:03,390 --> 00:10:04,209 the office. 153 00:10:04,210 --> 00:10:07,850 Is that an article by Derek Jameson there? 154 00:10:08,270 --> 00:10:12,450 You know, I think he's so astute and witty, that man. He really puts his 155 00:10:12,450 --> 00:10:13,419 on it. 156 00:10:13,420 --> 00:10:15,360 I don't think I've seen this one. 157 00:10:15,780 --> 00:10:18,740 Well, you can take it. I'm finished with it. That's fine. Oh, thanks very much. 158 00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:19,740 I'll send it right back. 159 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:23,700 Um, well, I'd better split now. Um, thanks for your time. 160 00:10:25,820 --> 00:10:30,360 It's always a pleasure to meet a really rational and socially responsible human 161 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:31,360 being for a change. 162 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,240 God, 163 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,720 that resulted in you being left. 164 00:10:42,670 --> 00:10:46,990 Today, the first of a series of hard -hitting articles, God, the creator of 165 00:10:46,990 --> 00:10:50,130 heaven and earth, speaks frankly in modern issues. 166 00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:56,990 Anyone who's thugged terror on streets with surgical commander arrays, by God, 167 00:10:57,230 --> 00:11:00,090 that's part of the nature of the matter world. 168 00:11:00,330 --> 00:11:04,830 Make no bones about it, the world I created has become a hotbed of sin. 169 00:11:05,250 --> 00:11:09,690 As God, here's my five -point plan to stamp out crime and thuggery now. 170 00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:14,110 Send in the troops to curb inner -city violence. 171 00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:19,070 Who? Deploy crack FAS units at all soccer grounds. 172 00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:21,710 There's no gas to be standard issue. 173 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,050 There you go, Dickie. 174 00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:25,790 Not a bad one, is it? 175 00:11:26,630 --> 00:11:29,710 Switchboard's jammed already. People ringing up to say how much they agree 176 00:11:29,710 --> 00:11:31,850 God, asking if he can cure their sciatica. 177 00:11:32,090 --> 00:11:33,250 It's hogwash, Russell. 178 00:11:33,550 --> 00:11:35,310 You don't believe all this God rubbish. 179 00:11:35,590 --> 00:11:37,730 Oh, thank you not to blaspheme in public, Dickie. 180 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:41,020 Especially in front of a born -again Christian such as myself, or to Jack 181 00:11:41,140 --> 00:11:43,040 a devout Quaker, all his life. 182 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:50,060 Oh. Well, I didn't mean... Sorry, I didn't mean to, um... So, next week, 183 00:11:50,060 --> 00:11:53,680 jack it up a stage further. We'll launch the Crucible's new Pray In hotline. 184 00:11:54,540 --> 00:11:55,800 Direct to God. 185 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,100 The almighty Agony Ark. What could we call it? 186 00:12:00,260 --> 00:12:03,140 Dear God. Dear God! Good one, Dickie. 187 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,960 Here it is, sweetheart. 188 00:12:06,830 --> 00:12:09,970 Right, I make that 17 this morning a record even for us. 189 00:12:10,850 --> 00:12:12,230 17, Dickie, 17 what? 190 00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:15,590 Well, let's see if we can spot the common link, shall we? 191 00:12:16,670 --> 00:12:19,290 AIDS riddle hairdresser in tainted perm shock. 192 00:12:20,230 --> 00:12:22,670 AIDS dentist slams false teeth of death. 193 00:12:24,150 --> 00:12:27,510 MNS denies undies and no return AIDS blow. 194 00:12:29,550 --> 00:12:33,910 AIDS scare biscuit barrel ends WI coffee mornings. Do I need to go on? 195 00:12:35,110 --> 00:12:39,340 Highly important. subject, Dickie. All the more reason for us, Russell, to 196 00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:43,700 it in a mature and responsible manner instead of all this mindless, trumped 197 00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:44,700 gobbledygook. 198 00:12:46,020 --> 00:12:48,060 I agree, Dickie. 199 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:53,940 Only an intellectual beat -him -off of your acute perception could have spotted 200 00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:56,340 it. I was blind, but now I see. 201 00:12:56,680 --> 00:13:00,200 From now on, we'll adopt an altogether different, more moderate approach. 202 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,740 It's more as I'd splash, Russell. Get me there. 203 00:13:04,780 --> 00:13:09,560 London Transport is today playing down rumours that the public could catch AIDS 204 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:10,940 on the Metropolitan Line. 205 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,160 I wonder what rumours those could be. 206 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:19,280 The rumours, published exclusively in yesterday's Crucible, came the 207 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:25,800 Underground's chief seat -up hosterer once shared a Mars bar with a man who'd 208 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:26,800 been to San Francisco. 209 00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:33,460 Jack, that story makes me ashamed to belong to the British press. 210 00:13:36,270 --> 00:13:39,650 dwells a visionary who alone can point out the error of our tawdry ways. 211 00:13:40,410 --> 00:13:44,030 Dickie, from now on, the Crucible's attitude to this problem will change. 212 00:13:44,030 --> 00:13:46,990 going to put our most reliable and sensitive reporter on it. 213 00:13:47,210 --> 00:13:49,730 Jack, give me Greg Kettle. 214 00:13:58,250 --> 00:14:00,970 Excuse me. 215 00:14:03,070 --> 00:14:07,190 Very well, but shut the door as you leave. There are set regulations. Great 216 00:14:07,190 --> 00:14:08,690 Tittle, Her Majesty's Press. 217 00:14:09,070 --> 00:14:12,590 I shall have to ask you to direct me to the Confidential NHS Records Department, 218 00:14:12,690 --> 00:14:13,389 if you please. 219 00:14:13,390 --> 00:14:14,430 I beg your pardon. 220 00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:17,130 These documents are for internal use only. 221 00:14:17,810 --> 00:14:18,850 So are suppositories. 222 00:14:19,750 --> 00:14:21,550 Might be available to the general public. 223 00:14:21,950 --> 00:14:25,210 I am afraid that unless you allow me unrestricted access to your files, I 224 00:14:25,210 --> 00:14:26,730 have you up under the Official Secrets Act. 225 00:14:27,110 --> 00:14:28,130 Oh, my goodness. 226 00:14:28,810 --> 00:14:29,830 Can you do that? 227 00:14:30,990 --> 00:14:32,010 Yes, I can. 228 00:14:35,689 --> 00:14:38,110 Now, one moment, please. Before you open these files, I have to see your 229 00:14:38,110 --> 00:14:40,330 identification. Yes. Um, yes. 230 00:14:41,390 --> 00:14:43,930 Oh, well, that seems to be in order. Can't be too careful with these, eh? 231 00:14:43,930 --> 00:14:44,930 fine to see. 232 00:14:49,170 --> 00:14:51,170 What file exactly did you want? 233 00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:54,210 A file of AIDS, stereo. 234 00:14:55,870 --> 00:14:59,570 Sorry. The list of all those people who have had positive test results for the 235 00:14:59,570 --> 00:15:00,570 AIDS virus. 236 00:15:01,430 --> 00:15:02,430 Right. 237 00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:09,060 The government insisted there wasn't one, so I knew it must be here 238 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:25,280 Oh, my God! 239 00:15:25,540 --> 00:15:26,540 What are you doing? 240 00:15:26,820 --> 00:15:30,960 By the powers of Her Majesty's press, I hereby commandeer this vehicle. Drive on 241 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:31,899 as fast as you can. 242 00:15:31,900 --> 00:15:33,480 Oh, but I was just going to... 243 00:15:41,710 --> 00:15:46,110 This man Lutterworth, Maggie, he's completely loony, Shirley. I mean, the 244 00:15:46,110 --> 00:15:47,290 of God, come on. 245 00:15:47,670 --> 00:15:50,110 Well, loonies are our bread and butter, really, aren't they? 246 00:15:50,710 --> 00:15:54,430 Of course, Lutterworth's no ordinary loony. There's something very odd about 247 00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:57,390 him. What do you mean? What do you mean, no ordinary loony? 248 00:15:58,090 --> 00:16:02,990 Well, this is just a theory of mine, but I think that Lutterworth... No, I 249 00:16:02,990 --> 00:16:04,430 better not. I'll wait till I'm sure. 250 00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:09,090 Let's just say this could all depend on an article by Derek Jameson. 251 00:16:09,530 --> 00:16:10,530 I'll keep you posted. 252 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:14,720 Yes, because I... Derek Jameson. 253 00:16:19,940 --> 00:16:23,680 AIDS. The most serious medical threat to human life this century. 254 00:16:24,180 --> 00:16:27,320 According to government figures, there are currently some 40 ,000 people in 255 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,820 Britain known to be carrying the virus. 256 00:16:29,180 --> 00:16:33,420 And we've got a complete list of all their names and addresses at the 257 00:16:33,820 --> 00:16:37,460 Over the next two weeks, as a public service, we're publishing the identities 258 00:16:37,460 --> 00:16:39,240 all those people the government know to be infected. 259 00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:43,290 Day by day, they build into a complete directory for handy use when selecting 260 00:16:43,290 --> 00:16:49,090 your new sexual partner. Yes, who's got it? You can't do without it. Plus, he's 261 00:16:49,090 --> 00:16:53,530 authoritative. He's outspoken. He's almighty. Yes, God joins the Crucible's 262 00:16:53,530 --> 00:16:56,190 award -winning team speaking out on the burning issues of the day. 263 00:16:56,450 --> 00:17:00,490 Divorce. Abortion. How filing squads could be useful in cutting down road 264 00:17:00,490 --> 00:17:01,490 traffic offences. 265 00:17:01,550 --> 00:17:03,610 They shall all suffer my mighty wrath. 266 00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:07,990 Don't miss tomorrow's white -hot crucible. The paper with integrity. 267 00:17:39,950 --> 00:17:43,210 Where the hell are you? I've just come back up from the pub to find the entire 268 00:17:43,210 --> 00:17:45,630 building completely deserted. What's going on? 269 00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:47,970 We've moved, Dickie. What? 270 00:17:48,470 --> 00:17:50,730 We've moved to new premises in Stepney. 271 00:17:51,510 --> 00:17:53,630 What? In the tea break? 272 00:17:55,130 --> 00:17:56,950 I'm sorry, Dickie, I thought you knew. 273 00:17:57,590 --> 00:18:02,650 As of 5pm today, the Crucible has transferred completely to the new ultra 274 00:18:02,650 --> 00:18:05,050 -modern Rathouse newspaper complex in the East End. 275 00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:09,120 I'm the executive managing editor, Russell. Why wasn't I told? 276 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,820 We had to keep it hush -hush, Dickie. We haven't tied up all the redundancy 277 00:18:12,820 --> 00:18:13,820 deals yet. 278 00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:15,860 Where is it, Russell? I'm coming right over. 279 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:20,380 Fair enough, Dickie, but when you get to the outer ring of electrified razor 280 00:18:20,380 --> 00:18:25,060 wire, stop, wave a white card or something, we'll sell out an armoured 281 00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:26,060 get you. 282 00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:29,960 Russell, I've just seen the most unspeakable TV ad. 283 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:32,160 Russell? 284 00:18:48,010 --> 00:18:53,570 Excuse me, I'm looking for the new Daily Crucible building. I think it's over 285 00:18:53,570 --> 00:18:54,570 there. 286 00:18:54,610 --> 00:18:58,330 I was told to wait here in case they needed me again. 287 00:19:44,170 --> 00:19:45,170 It's like the pickets have arrived. 288 00:19:54,130 --> 00:19:56,230 He's going to call the major earthquake day. 289 00:19:56,850 --> 00:19:57,729 Thanks, anyway. 290 00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:58,730 I owe you one. 291 00:20:00,570 --> 00:20:03,750 Good, my arm. I'm glad I'm not one of those comedy boys, you know. 292 00:20:04,950 --> 00:20:06,650 Mr. Lister, what the hell's happening? 293 00:20:07,010 --> 00:20:08,050 Ah, good morning, Maggie. 294 00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:12,140 Well, I was speaking to Lucy last night, so I thought, why not pop down... to 295 00:20:12,140 --> 00:20:15,440 the local nick for a spot of physical violence at the hands of Neanderthal 296 00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:18,800 Questions will be asked in the house on this one. 297 00:20:19,340 --> 00:20:22,860 Listen, Mr. Lecter, never mind that. I've got something in here that could 298 00:20:22,860 --> 00:20:23,900 blow your mind. 299 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:25,560 Right. 300 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:35,480 I think we can safely say this is another rip -roaring day in the history 301 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:39,800 Crucible, everyone. The very first edition produced... entirely using 302 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:43,440 computerised, state -of -the -art photo -setting technology. 303 00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:47,180 Total and complete gibberish. 304 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,140 Not a single intelligible word in the entire paper. 305 00:20:51,540 --> 00:20:54,600 But we were bound to have some teething troubles, Dickie. Must have been all 306 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,780 that lightning we had last night upset the phone lines we were using to relay 307 00:20:57,780 --> 00:20:58,779 the copy. 308 00:20:58,780 --> 00:21:00,680 Memory circuits went haywire. 309 00:21:00,940 --> 00:21:04,900 Quite frankly, Russell, I'm not surprised that any newspaper would auto 310 00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:09,190 -destruct. considering the unfettered pap you were filling it with last night. 311 00:21:09,430 --> 00:21:13,330 In fact, I think we can justly regard it as a blessing in disguise that the list 312 00:21:13,330 --> 00:21:19,030 of so -called AIDS carriers turned out in the end to be completely unreadable 313 00:21:19,030 --> 00:21:23,090 view of this letter I received this morning from the DHSS. 314 00:21:23,370 --> 00:21:28,770 Letter, Dickie? Yes, which contains a rather interesting revelation that the 315 00:21:28,770 --> 00:21:33,130 confidential fire purloined yesterday by persons unknown... 316 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:40,680 In actual fact, a list of 40 ,000 people currently waiting for hearing aids. 317 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:42,080 Hearing aids? 318 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:46,140 Next, another little editorial humdinger, Russell. Sit down. 319 00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:50,800 The holy sergeant major who speaks with the voice of God. 320 00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:56,120 Maggie? Well, when I went round there, he definitely seemed a bit spaced out, 321 00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:59,580 say the least. And there was something very dodgy about his tobacco. 322 00:22:00,540 --> 00:22:03,950 So... I managed to get hold of a paper with some ash on it for analysis. 323 00:22:04,210 --> 00:22:07,710 In short, Russell, it appears that our friend and correspondent, Mr 324 00:22:07,990 --> 00:22:12,470 recently returned from a posting in the Far East, is an opium smoker. 325 00:22:14,250 --> 00:22:18,830 Opium? Toast up with a few pipefuls of that stuff, I'm sure we'd all feel full 326 00:22:18,830 --> 00:22:19,830 of the Holy Spirit. 327 00:22:20,390 --> 00:22:23,510 His brains have probably turned to poppies in there by now. 328 00:22:23,770 --> 00:22:24,770 My God, Maggie. 329 00:22:25,370 --> 00:22:27,410 We can turn this into tomorrow's front. 330 00:22:28,450 --> 00:22:32,070 Opium junkie sergeant who saw God in a puff of holy smoke. 331 00:22:34,490 --> 00:22:38,790 Exposed. Honoured Christian soldier's drug dream dope pipe dupe. 332 00:22:40,730 --> 00:22:42,610 Worker McCall's for his resignation. 333 00:22:43,630 --> 00:22:44,630 RSM 10. 334 00:22:44,690 --> 00:22:48,690 Quit crack Queen's core over shock, smoke, shame, sensation. 335 00:22:49,730 --> 00:22:51,970 See you in the front of the first four pages. 336 00:22:52,290 --> 00:22:53,950 This is going to be dynamite, Dickie. 337 00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:56,330 This is the start of a new era. 338 00:22:56,590 --> 00:22:58,070 After today, we'll never... 339 00:22:58,540 --> 00:23:01,860 Yes, Russell, and to mark the occasion, I brought you a present. 340 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,660 A message from C .P. Scott. 341 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,400 Oh. 342 00:23:07,060 --> 00:23:10,220 Comment is free, but facts are sacred. 343 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:15,340 As long as I'm editor of the Crucible, Dickie, this text shall be my Bible. 344 00:23:15,740 --> 00:23:20,560 Good, because as long as I'm managing editor, the Crucible will be a paper 345 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:21,720 honesty and integrity. 346 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:25,660 A paper, Russell, that in future prints the truth. 347 00:23:49,130 --> 00:23:50,990 And a story with some sordid sex. 348 00:23:51,190 --> 00:23:52,190 A seal. 349 00:23:52,630 --> 00:23:55,970 Someone's secrets we have grabbed. Famous bags that we have stabbed. 28935

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