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Mr. Big Stuff

Who do you think you are?

Mr. Big Stuff

You're never gonna get my love

Now because you wear All those fancy clothes

And drive a big fine car

Oh yes, you do now

Do you think I can afford To give you my love

Aw, what a cute little mutt.

Hey there, little guy.

Aw.

Dad, what's in the box?

Family, I'd like to introduce you to…

…Bull.

-Aw! -What a sweet boy!

-He's so cute. -Such a sweet little guy.

This is your home now. Look, Nana. My new little brother.

Oh my goodness, what a little pudge cake.

I think he likes you, Nana.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. So good.

Oh, oh, oh!

You've always been amazing.

Oh, you are my one and only.

Well, there's lots of others, but you are my favorite.

Really.

Oh, oh.

Oh, Nana!

Oh, you feel so good.

Right?

Who doesn't love their nana?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Are you into it?

Both of us gotta be into it.

Two-way enjoying.

Gotta be feeling that, right?

Who's your good boy? Who's your good boy?

Here we go!

Buckle up!

What's happened? Where… where are my glasses?

My lipstick? What's that doing there?

Yeah, that's my dick.

Mom? Are you okay?

What the fuck?

How many times have I told you to stop humping Nana?

Having trouble running. Still gotta finish here.

My dick is on fire!

Oh yeah. Sweet, minty relief.

Leave it. Goddamn it, Bull.

Oh, Bull!

Bull, you little shit!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Bull!

Hey, Bull.

Oh, hey, Honey.

What's up, girl? How's it going?

Oh, you know, everything's good. How's Nana?

Nana? Why-- What-- Why-- Why would you ask about Nana all of a sudden?

It's weird. It's like, who cares about Nana?

You know what I mean?

I don't know. I'm smelling a musty odor and a certain potpourri and menthol scent,

and, um, I'm not gonna lie to you, your pinky dinky is out.

Oh, that? No, that's just morning wood.

Not a big deal.

-At 2:30? -Well, after-lunch wood?

What? Do you girls not get that?

Let me just take care of it.

Enough is enough. This has to stop!

So, yeah, you were saying--

Oh, Bull, Bull, Bull.

You've been tapping Nana since we were pups.

She's nothing but trouble. When are you gonna learn?

I know. I'm sick.

But she just smells so old.

It's enchanting.

You need to stop. Just cut it off.

Go cold turkey.

Trust me, I've tried. Thanksgiving dinner was never the same.

What, they didn't like their turkey tenderized and creamy?

Girl, you are disgusting.

I'm not the one fucking dead turkeys.

Oh yeah. Good one. Got me.

Yeah, like I fuck dead turkeys. Get out of here with that.

Mm-hmm. Sure, I think a Cornish hen is more your size anyway.

It's tighter where it counts.

So, what're you up to?

Well, I got the dog show coming up this week,

so, just practicing my smooth gait.

Left, right, rear-left, rear-right, left, right, rear-left…

Wow. It's like you're walking and skipping all at the same time.

I don't get the whole dog show scene.

Everyone's trying to be the best version of the same thing?

But what if you're different? Is that bad?

And then after all the judging, they grope you?

They aren't groping me.

They are gently touching my body and judging me based on how it feels.

Who are these people?

You know, dog lovers.

They document our lineage, keep tabs on what the standard should be,

and breed us properly for the ultimate perfect specimen.

We're like the royal family of our species.

Oh, my queen.

I have located the perfect specimen for you to breed with.

Oh, have you?

Well, I do say then, who is this chosen one?

I am Lord Duke, the Earl of Awesomeness, Sir Studley,

and it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

You are quite below my usual standards.

But I am feeling generous,

so you may partake in the royal penis.

Oh my! Sir Studley, I would be honored.

Shall we proceed?

Absolutely, yeah. Proceeding's what I-- What I did--

I wanna do. Let's proceed with it.

I just thought we would probably proceed with the next part

after we kept going back and forth.

Oh! You thinking about Nana, or should I be flattered?

-Bull, walk! -Gotta go. That's my walk.

All right, Sir Studley, I'll be along shortly.

We shall continue at the park.

Shit, that got hot out of nowhere.

Gotta be ready next time I bust out the old accent.

Adorable.

Hey, hey, hey.

There's my little monster. You ready to go for a walk, big guy?

Okay, okay, I know.

Very exciting. Let me get this on you.

Hey, hey!Hey, what?

Come on!Come on!

There's my horny little maniac.

Who loves you, huh? Who loves you?

Come on, boy. You ready to go?

Holy crap! I gotta shit!

I gotta pee now! I gotta pee!

Thank God! I've been holding this all day!

I need to go!

Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!

Fucking hell! Get me to the grass!

Oh! This shit is coming!

Pee, pee, pee, pee!

Poo, poo, poo, poo, poo.

Gotta go, gotta go!

Oh yeah.

Fuck off.

Oh!

What smells like nylon and varicose veins?

Oh, it's Bull's dick.

Oh, look, it's Rocco, the ball-less wonder.

I don't get your thing with Nana.

Why don't you just lick yourself like every other dog?

Ah, I tried.

I just don't like the way I taste.

See, I like my taste quite a lot. It's like summertime in the country.

Blackberries with cinnamon and a touch of mint.

So, anyways, Rocco, you should have seen it.

Honey was all over me.

She wanted to breed with me and everything.

Right. 'Cause last week, you said she licked your face.

She totally did.

Because you smeared your fucking face in peanut butter.

Was there peanut butter? I don't-- There could have been.

Listen, mate, just simply tell her you love her.

Love?

What are you talking about?

Yeah, me and my boys aren't really into those purebred showgirls.

'Course. Yeah, no, Honey is definitely not right for you.

You've known her your whole life. She is your absolute fucking best friend.

Who would want that?

Oh, hey, Bull.

Ooh, you fucked Nana again, huh?

What are you wearing?

It's Business Mondays.

It's demeaning, is what it is.

Yeah, well, my 900 followers don't think so.

Mother says they love it.

It's so weird that you call your human "Mother."

Fetch, no one's following you.

Yes, they are, on Mother's phone.

They comment on my pictures like a little face with heart eyes.

And "I'm screaming!" And, "Oh my God, literally dead."

And Mother even got me a sponsorship,

so now I get free dental treats.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Fetch, you're a valued member of the pack,

but you cannot hang out with us if you're gonna pretend to be human.

It is disgusting.

Ah. Whatever, you guys are just jealous.

Uh… Hi, Lucky.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Oh God. What are you eating?

Oh, this? It's a flaxseed protein bar.

It's a little pre-playtime pick-me-up.

Lucky, you're eating cat shit.

What?No way.

Oh, mm. Yeah, no, I think you might be right.

You're still eating it.

Oh God, yeah.

Well, that's disgusting.

Seems like you enjoyed it.

Nope.

Disgusting.

Oh wow!

What a good little baby. My poopsie made a poo-poo.

I love watching my human pick up my shit, especially if it's a runny one.

You know what I love?

Taking a second shit when Mother only brought one bag.

Why do humans need to pick it up at all?

It's supposed to stay on the grass.

That way, it melts into the soil,

which helps grow the new grass,

which we then shit on again.

It's the circle of shit.

That's pure poetry.

Where do you come up with this stuff?

It's the boys in the back.

They inspire me.

They're like my hairy, dangling muses.

All right, all right, all right, break it up already.

I'm here every day. It's the same ass as yesterday.

Get off me, you fat ass!

I'm not fat. I'm husky.

-Stop drooling on me! -I'm a mastiff.

I can't help it.

Fuck you, mastiff.

This is a goddamn shit show.

Excuse me. It's pronounced "shih tzu."

Why is chasing this stupid ball so fucking addictive?

It's like-- I don't get it. It's like, you got the ball. Now you drop it.

Now you're wound up again. You just had it.

'Cause you never know when it's gonna move.

What happened to Luther?

Oh, fuck. I recognize that expression anywhere.

Don't say anything.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Chasing anything around out there today?

Uh… Yeah, no, we're good. How are you?

I'm good, I'm good. Good, good, good. Yeah, I'm good.

Good, good.

I, uh… I, um… I…

I--I thought they loved me.

Luther, pull yourself together, man.

You'll be all right.

Hey, what are you doing back there?

-Oh! -Oh, fucking hell.

The window of nothingness.

Who would do this to you?

My… people.

At… at least, I thought they were my people.

I came home after the park, and… and… and there was a party.

And… and… and I thought,

"Hey, I… I'm a good dog. I deserve a party."

-Sure, you do. -It was crazy and decadent.

No rules.

As much as you wanted, right?

They let you drink from the toilet.

They filled it with Kool-Aid.

Best goddamn fucking Kool-Aid I ever had.

Well, hey, Luther, your schlong looks twice as big.

So, that's cool.

It'll be all right.

No, it's not going to be all right!

Nothing will ever be the same again!

Easy there, mate, easy.

Look, I know the pain, all right? Just remember, you're not alone.

I… I mean, you are in a sense 'cause your ball buddies are gone.

But you've got to rely on yourself now.

All right?

Hello, Luther.

I just saw your balls on a milk carton, because they've gone missing.

Sterling.

Man, I hate that asshole.

Sterling, I thought you were my friend.

That was yesterday.

Today, you're a mutilated freak.

I'm a show dog.

These are your friends now.

You can all get together and lick each other's nothingness.

Hey, I still have mine.

What?

Oh…

Oh God. It itches.

Can somebody corn on the cob me real quick?

Just like a horizontal chew jag?

Someone please put this loser out of his misery.

Pathetic.

Now, listen, you feather-puss fuck! You aren't any better than us.

No, actually, I am better than you.

I've been refined over generations to genetic perfection,

while your mom shit you out into a trash can somewhere.

Don't you talk about my mum! Understand?

She had 15 pups, and she did her best that she could.

So… so… so some of us didn't get a nipple. It doesn't mean she didn't love me.

Hey, Rocco, easy.

Let Team Bull handle this. This guy isn't worth it, all right?

Oh! All hail the king of the ball-less and maimed.

What is that, by the way? Eucalyptus?

You get a fancy little bath this morning?

All scrubbed up and pampered like a little goldendoodle?

-You know what I smell like? -Yeah, piss and shit.

Yeah, exactly.

And meat and grass.

Toilet water.

And maybe a hint of unexpressed anal glands.

I smell like a real dog.

You see these, chief?

I was born balls-first, guy. Literally.

You know my mom pushed like an hour just for the nuts.

We were born like a set of triplets,

coming out one after the other after the other,

each one more gorgeous than the last.

The vet was like, "Jesus, look at that nut."

"Oh my God, look at the second nut! It's gorgeous!"

And then, "Wow. Look at the guy those nuts are attached to."

I can see the resemblance. You look exactly like a ball sack.

I figured this moron wouldn't understand.

I mean, he's been inbred for generations, right?

Do you ever think

about just how many cousins and siblings had to fuck each other

to produce a douchebag like you?

Human-style, baby.Yeah.

The people are watching us.

Quick, put your tail in my ass.

Why are they watching this?

Humans are just as obsessed with sex as we are.

-Oh, hi. -Hey, Honey.

When my humans do it, I climb on the bed and stare them right in the eye.

Totally ruins it for them. It's hilarious.

Oh, Luther, sorry for your loss.

Hey, Honey. Or should I say… "Greetings, my queen"?

Oh! Hello, my darling.

Hey, Sterling.

Your loins are really filling out.

Mm. Very nice. I like.

Excuse me? We were talking.

And look at the depth of your chest.

Oh, my. You're floor-ready for sure.

Thanks.

-Wow, you really think so? -Yes.

I know I'm obviously gonna take Best of Breed,

but you actually have a chance to take Winner's Bitch.

-Listen, asshole, you can't call her-- -No, that's actually good.

It is?

Yeah, it would be amazing, actually.

It could be better than amazing, 'cause then we could do a little of that.

Kiki…

I don't know.

That's not really my style.

I'm more of a traditionalist.

Oh, yeah, yep.

Yeah, I'm into the traditionalist way of doing that. That's so cool.

I just wanna back it up and take my time with it.

Oh yeah, no, I think I-- I think I understand, uh, conceptually.

And then clamp on for the ride.

Shit. Can you imagine?

He would not know what to do.

Like a lost little puppy.

A little different than busting on couch cushions, huh?

Or you're probably the granny or the nana type, yes?

Yes! Oh yes, look at that look.

You are, aren't you? What a little perv.

Who doesn't wanna do their nana?

I mean, when ours comes to visit, I climb that mountain and grind it hard.

Every time.

Ooh, I just concentrate on her bony knees and…

…get all deep on that shit.

Right, Bull?

Oh yeah. No, totally. Fucking…

Fucking grandmas. It's so cool.

Come on, everyone, time to go!

-All right! -Let's go!

Mm. I love me some after-park stink!

I can't believe you shit on Ralph.

I told you. I didn't see him.

You know, mate, it's not the balls that make the dog.

Sure, we can't make pups,

but other than that, it don't make no difference.

Oh yeah, Roc, I know.

If anything, it's just like extra baggage in the back.

It's a drag, honestly.

Why do you like that pathetic mutt?

Who, Bull? Oh, you know, he's my next-door neighbor.

We've, like, known each other since we were on the teat.

I mean, "like"? How can you like Bull?

Why would you-- Why would anyone like Bull?

He's weird. He's awkward.

He's, like, sweet and funny.

He's pudgy, but he's not like… I wouldn't say he's "fat" pudgy,

-Okay, I really don't care, goodbye. -There's a lot to chew on.

Not that I want to chew on Bull, I'm not saying that,

but he looks like a grocery bag filled with potatoes.

I mean, is that cute? Or, you know, sexy?

No, I'm not saying that, but I guess if you like potatoes, it could be.

But, you know, I like potatoes, but they're not for everybody.

And, I mean, I'm just a show dog, and he's a regular dog.

Why would he ever like someone like me?

Sterling, you cock-faced asshole.

Who's a good boy?

Who's my baby?

Scratchies and rubbies for the big fella!

-Here's your bone! -And Mr. Squeaks!

We're having fun now!

But this is the no-no couch.

-Who's hungry for some meat? -Oh!

Who wants the ball? Go get it, boy.

Fetch in the house!

-Oh no. -Who made a big mess?

Who wants some yummies?

-Here, fuck my slippers. -Dig through the trash.

Who's thirsty?

Come on, boy.

Delightful day.

Get in there, boy.

What? The shiny white throne?

Where's my water bowl?

Here we go. Special treat for the special boy.

What the…

They filled it with Kool-Aid.

They let you do whatever you want.

It happened like that to all of us.

-Holy… -It's all right.

Come on. Just get in there.

No! No. No.

Oh, it's so good. Oh, it's so good.

But no.

Oh! Look at that. What a happy boy.

Dad, is he gonna be okay?

He's gonna be better than ever.

Fuck me.

Why?

Why?

Well, there goes another pair.

Why? Why? Why?

Why us? Wh… what did we do? What did we do?

Sure, fucking Nana, in hindsight, wasn't a great idea,

but the punishment does not fit the crime!

Oh, for fuck's sake, Bull. Take it easy. It was bound to happen eventually.

We survived it.

You don't get it. These are my balls!

Without them, I'll be like some lifeless zombie.

"Pet me, feed me, walk me."

Oh, we're zombies now?

You're talking crazy, Bull.

And it's really hurtful.

Hurtful?

How do you think I'm gonna feel when they rip my nuts out?

You think that'll be a little painful?

They might as well rip out my heart, my soul!

It's all the same.

I'm scared.

You should be scared. We all should be scared.

There's nothing after this.

The sun won't shine as bright.

Bacon will be less bacon-y.

The scent of life will be dulled forever.

And Honey… Oh, my sweet, sweet Honey.

No way she's gonna want a fat, ball-less, no-pup-making freak!

Don't you think Honey might like you because of who you are inside

and not because you have balls?

Now who's talking crazy?

You know nothing about this, Fetch.

I've had enough.

I know you're scared, Bull, but you're kinda being an asshole.

What?

-Wait, where are you guys going? -You know what?

You're just like all those other shitheads

who think just because they got danglers between their legs,

it makes them better than everyone else.

Go fuck yourself, Bull.

Oh yeah? Like that's even possible!

Bull? Is that horrible noise coming from you?

Oh. Hey, Honey. Yeah, it's me. Whoa.

Wow.

I mean, really, wow. You look great.

Oh, thanks.

It's showtime, so I gotta get properly primped,

which, if you didn't know, involves hours and hours of, uh,

brushing and brushing,

and then I got my nails clipped, then I got my teeth brushed, and then…

What's up with you?

Are you all right? Oh no.

Did Nana die?

Oh. Well, you knew it wouldn't last.

Oh no, she's fine.

You know, it's just… just my whole future.

All my plans.

It's just hard to say this, but I… You know, just found out that I, uh--

-Honey, come! Let's go, girl. -Oh, uh, sorry, Bull, gotta go.

Wish me luck.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Okay, well, good luck!

I'll just be here until they amputate my nut buds.

Goodbye, Honey. I shall never partake in your sweet nectar.

I, uh… I always loved you.

There, I said it. You didn't hear it, but I said it.

Fuck!

Dogs are disgusting.

They're constantly smelling butts, licking balls, drooling…

Ugh!

-You wanna eat some garbage? -Oh, yes, please.

Hey, Bull.

You wanna play, big guy?

Here he comes, the head of the castrating committee.

What do you say, buddy? Wanna play some fetch?

Look at me. Look at me!

Look at the pain you have inflicted on me.

Don't you pet me. Don't… pet me.

Don't pet me!

Yeah, that's right. Walk away.

Walk away, you bastard!

How?

How could you possibly live with yourself

and what you're about to do?

Ah, look at this little guy pushing his little crumb.

You want any help, friend?

No! I got this.

I got it. Uh! I can do it.

Yes.

Yes, you can! So can I!

I don't have to submit to this senseless mutilation.

I, like the ant, will push that metaphoric crumb, my balls,

up the grass of hope and opportunity

to freedom!

These two-legged, upright, hairless jerks.

You think just because you give me food and shelter and little kisses and hugs

and make me feel so safe and warm and loved,

that gives you the right to butcher me.

No more collars, no more baths, no more teeth cleanings for me.

I'm gonna eat what I want, sleep where I want.

I'm gonna do whatever I want, whenever I want,

with newer, better friends.

I am a wild fucking wolf!

Ow.

Hurt, it hurt so bad

Hurt, it hurt so bad

Hurt, it hurt so bad

Hurt so bad

I know you

Don't know what I am going through

Standing here

Looking at you

Please

Brainless loser.

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby

Come back, it hurts so bad

Yes, it does

Well, there it is, boys.

Our destiny awaits.

It's gonna be just the three of us now,

so we might as well get to know each other properly.

Lefty, you've always been a little bigger,

and, for some reason, consistently spicier.

So your name will be Ol' Spice.

Righty, you're small but mighty.

A take-charge type.

You will be Napoleon.

You see all that?

That's our new home.

As far as the eye can see.

Shit. I'm already hungry.

Where am I gonna eat?

Maybe I didn't think this all the way through.

Oh, food rain!

Never get that in the old domesticated dungeon.

Whoa.

That smell is weird.

It's like it has a hint of skunk with just a kiss of citrus and pine.

Mmm.

Oh… What's that sound?

Hey! Stop that.

I'm gonna get you.

-Hey, Bull. -What?

Why, hello, my… milady.

So happy I found you.

I feel like we didn't get to finish our conversation.

Oh, uh, you know…

Actually, I was gonna say, like, you know,

I'm in love with you, always have been.

Is that cool?

That's very cool.

Can I lick your balls?

Uh…

Yeah. I mean, I wasn't expecting that to be first on the itinerary,

but if that's how you express your love…

Mm. Mmm!

These are great. So good. So mushy but firm.

Ah, oh. Ow!

Hey, that stings. It's like tiny little needles.

Oh!

Oh

Help us.

Don't let it happen to us!

-Who said that? -Please, help.

Who's there?

Down here!

Don't just stand there staring like some kind of buffoon.

Do something!

Ol' Spice? Y… you can talk?

Of course I can talk, you idiot.

Now what are you gonna do to save us?

This dog, he is not smart.

We must wait no longer.

It is time to put fate into our own hands, not the cold paws of this fool.

I agree, Frenchie.

We've been hanging around this loser for far too long.

No, my bros!

Come back! I got this, really! I would never let anything happen to you.

No!

Wait! Wait! Come back!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

You fucking cat! Let go of my balls!

What?

Wait, where am I?

Oh, my balls.Thank God.

Ooh! It was all a bad dream.

Uh, well, you look busy, so I'll just see myself out.

Yeah, you fucking dogs.

Needy, neurotic cretins.

Pissing and shitting wherever you please,

like the world is your personal toilet.

Yeah, time we teach you furniture-fuckers a lesson.

How to die.

Meow, he's dead.

Eh, could be a trick.

Better rip his face to shreds to be sure.

My… my pack!

Huh?

What are you supposed to be?

Mother calls this "Bad Boy Fetch."

Fucking dogs.

You… You came for me?

After everything I said?

We know you didn't mean it. You were panicked, delusional, crazed.

You had the nut-loss fever.

I am so sorry.

I was just so scared, angry, confused,

I lashed out at you, my crate-mates.

Apology accepted.

Now, what the hell are we gonna do about all these fucking cats?

This is some tense shit. Why aren't they attacking?

'Cause they're trying to mindfuck us.

It's that meowing.

They're trying to lull us into some kind of hypnotic trance.

I think it's working.

Then, when you least expect it,

they'll attack us in a mad, uncontrollable rage of fury.

I… I can't move.

Fucking dogs.

Well, I guess that's it.

Time to go home and face the hatchet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a sec. You know, we didn't get to use our giblets

before them humans ripped them away from us,

but you still have yours.

We're gonna go out there

and suck every bit of fun out of those balls before you lose them.

Together.

We're all gonna suck your balls.

-What? -Whoa.

-Huh? -Oh no, no.

I meant we're just going along for the ride

as you enjoy your balls before you lose them.

That's right, Lucky. It'll never be tonight ever again.

We're domesticated and proud.

But tonight, we're off leash!

Kill the squirrel!

Oh shit.

We just mutilated that poor little squirrel.

Why do you think we were chasing it?

I don't know.

Why do dogs chase squirrels?

Because we hate those disease-ridden, furry little tree rodents.

How am I supposed to clean myself? I don't wanna lick squirrel blood.

Ugh, yuck!

Another squirrel!

Lucky, no, that's not a squirrel!

That's a skunk!

Ah! Ah! My eyes! No! No! Ah!

Oh, my eyes are itching so bad!

Oh! Yeah! Wow, it hurts so good!

Whoa. Guys, you gotta get in on this.

-Oh yeah, uh-uh. -Hell, no.

Yeah, I'm good.

Fuck off, humans!

No one tells us where to shit.

Help me.

They've gone too far.

Crazy dogs!

Uh… Uh… Uh…

Hey! I can walk. I can walk, I can walk!

Freedom has its cost.

What the hell?

Bull?

Honey? Honey, I can't believe it's you.

-What? -Oh my goodness.

I hope you're all right.

Bull, are you okay?

Oh, wow. It's crazy to see you like this 'cause I… I realized with everything…

And then, 'cause I… I…

Uh, well, I… I love you.

Sorry, Bull. We're late for the dog show!

Hey! Hey. Did you get hit by a car?

-Honey. -Huh?

-Where? -Here.

-Huh? -Honey.

What happened?

Bull got hit by a car and thinks he saw Honey.

I did see her, and… and… Well, I tried to tell her I love her.

She was late for the dog show and drove off before I could tell her.

Now, I never will.

I couldn't do it with my balls, and without them, it'll be impossible.

She's gone forever.

Bull, what do you smell?

Uh… Dog shampoo…

…perfume,

pretentious assholes,

judgment and the stench of disappointment.

Oh my gosh!

The dog show!

Now let's get you some Honey.

How are we gonna get in?

Ooh! I've got an idea.

I don't know about this, guys.

Come on, Lucky. You're so good at making that human sound.

They'll never know.

Fucking hell, boys. Posture, posture.

Fetch, tuck in that nose-boner.

No! That's even worse.

-Hi! -Oh, uh, hi.

-How's it going? -Hi!

How? That guy is really bad at his job.

Leg back, spine straight, chin up.

Perfect.

Peppy walk, peppy walk, peppy walk, peppy walk.

Victory jump, victory jump, victory jump.

A-woof. A-woof. A-woof.

Oh, that's not right.

Ruff! Ruff!

Oh, that's the good stuff.

Well done, old chap.

Next up, the borzoi showing, stage one.

He said borzoi. That's Honey!

Gotta find stage one.

I'm worthless.

I should be put to sleep.

I don't deserve to live.

Oh, jeez. Harsh.

These poor dogs, constantly judged.

What a life.

A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.

It just blooms.

To be a champion, you must face not the competitor next to you.

You must face the one inside you.

Wow. That is so deep, Lucky.

Oh, chocolate soft serve on the floor!

No, Lucky, that's shit!

That is just freaky.

And now, to announce our Best of Breed.

-Entry number 48. -Honey.

Three-time winner and reigning champion, Sterling!

Yes, of course, of course.

Sterling wins. No surprise here.

Ugh, he's such a douche.

And now, for our best-judged female,

taking home the title of Best Breed and now champion, Honey!

Wow. I can't believe it. I did it!

I told you. All your hard work paid off.

Look how happy she is.

Why would she ever want a miserable sack of shit like me?

Look at you, standing out from the crowd.

So special.

So special?

But what if you're different? Is that bad?

You're, like, so much better than me. It's my nose, isn't it? It's too long.

-Wait, no, it looks just like mine. -It's your ass. It's so symmetrical.

Why do I keep torturing myself? I'll never win.

You're perfect. This is hopeless!

I hope you choke on your blue ribbon, bitch!

-Whoa. What? -I shouldn't have eaten breakfast.

Why would they choose a pig to win a dog show?

No!

Ugh, how did I not see this?

Different is good.

I don't want to be like everyone else.

Bull was right.

I wanna be me.

And I want…

Bull?

Ugh. Non-brushed, horrid smell.

-You're not a show dog, vile creature. -Fuck you.

You think you're better because you drank from your mother's nipple.

-What? -I'm as good as you. My mama loved me!

She did her best. There were 15 of us, for fuck's sake.

How can one mother feed so many mouths?

Reginald, we're on stage, now!

Ugh, this is not gonna end well.

Reginald, stop resisting.

Oh.

Don't do it, mate. Don't go down there.

Bull! Bull!

Ugh. Can this night get any worse?

Hey, we're here for you, pal.

Come on, the night's still young.

Ooh! Let's go get sprayed by that skunk again!

No, thanks.

Mother says some herbal tea always brightens the mood.

Oh, fuck your mother, Fetch!

What Bull needs right now

is to teabag someone before his bags are gone!

I'm sorry, guys. I can't. I'm done.

Look, I know that wasn't ideal, but we can't go out like that.

Yeah.I'm not feeling super… duh… in the mood right now.

So let's get in the mood.

There's no better way to get over heartbreak

than to immediately move to someone else.

Just forget it, Rocco.

Damn, I need to mount something stat. You wanna head to the Humphouse tonight?

Yes, please. That place is swimming with tail.

No shit, Richie. It's a dog whorehouse.

Ugh, why do you have to be such a dick all the time?

Let's follow those guys. They sound goal-oriented.

Whoa.

Whoo! Hot stuff up in here tonight. I gotta get me a drink.

Yeah! This is what tonight is all about.

-Let's hit it. -Sure. Whatever. If you guys want.

Welcome, bitches.

Are you ready to go wild?

See, I tried that earlier. I was going crazy.

Oh, sweetheart, it is not wild out there.

This is the place where it is… …wild.

Now enter the house of pleasure.

This way?

-Yeah. All right. -Okay.

What is it, baby?

I don't know.

I guess I've never met another dog like you.

Mm. And you never will again.

I am one of a kind.

I am Frankie.

Frankie?

Mm-hmm.

What is your name?

Lucky.

Ooh. Yes, you are, aren't you?

Follow me.

Okay, sure.

-Whoa -I'll take you to the candy shop

Yeah…

Fuck me.

-Uh-huh -I'll have you spendin' all you got

-Come on -Keep goin' 'til you hit the spot…

Mother, help me.

Temperature risin', okay Let's go to the next level

Dance floor jam-packed Hot as a tea kettle

I'll break it down for you now Baby, it's simple

If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho

In the hotel…

It's whatever you into

Got the magic stick I'm the love doctor

Have your friends teasin' you 'Bout how sprung I got you…

Sit!

Roll over!

Play dead!

Oh shit. That's hardcore.

I'm tryin' to explain, baby The best way I can…

Uh… uh… uh, you know what? This is all really intense,

and with all the Honey stuff going on, I don't know if I--

Bull, forget about Honey, son. She's not here.

But you are, and so is she.

The things we do

Are just between me and you, yeah

Give it to me, baby…

The cuties are out tonight.

Ride like you in a rodeo

You ain't never heard A sound like this before…

Oh, okay. I'm gonna go check this one out.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I don't know what to do.

Just be yourself.

I don't know who that is!

Hey, what's up?

Hi, this is Bull. Never been adjusted. All natural. Know what I'm saying?

Well, hello, Bull.

I'm Molasses.

Molasses.

Sweet

Sweet, sticky thing

Sweet

It's a sign.

Molasses is a tastier version of Honey.

Go get it.

Can I get some?

Get some of what?

Oh, I mean, can I some drink on you?

No, wait. Uh, uh-- Yeah, a drink of you?

Can I, uh, I mean, get you a drink?

Oh, okay. Follow me.

No worries, mate. You've got this.

-Really? -Nope.

He's fucked.

Yeah, I don't know.

I guess I'm always chasing a new smell or a new taste

because, to me, that's like truth or something, I guess.

But……I'm never satisfied. Does that make any sense?

Yes. Of course it does.

But perhaps you fixate on the external

because you are scared of something which lies inside.

I know this feeling well.

You struggle to accept yourself,

to love yourself.

Well, uh, you're right.

I've always felt kind of different, I guess.

I don't know how to love myself.

And maybe you could show me?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Uh…

Oh!

Yeah!

Okay, that was quick.

Now… it is your turn.

Well, what do I do?

The same thing I did to you.

But I've never done anything like this.So…

Wow! I haven't seen one like that before.

Sweetheart, that is my specialness. My… my everything.

Myself, which is very deserving of love.

You've got a pea pod and a zucchini?

Yummy, isn't it?

Are you hungry?

Well, sure. I'm always hungry.

What the fuck was that?

You nervous, baby?

Yeah, I'm…

Let's see what you're all about.

Ooh, that's musky.

Oh, my!

Have you ever smelled pure, untapped heat?

You know, I… I… I don't think so.

Is that what that smell is? It's quite tangy.

It's like a sausage but sweeter, like apple sausage.

I… I always wondered, is apple sausage made from real apples?

Oh, bathe in it, boo-boo.

It'll cleanse you of any inhibitions, fill you with desire.

Actually, it's clearing my allergies.

Or it might be a chronic sinus issue. Hard to tell.

-You're babbling. -Me? No, that's silly.

It's just my oral foreplay.

You know, some dogs do it with their tongues, or whatever.

But I throw out the seduction and pleasure through an audio-symphonic "dick-tation,"

if you know what I mean, if you catch my drift…

Well, then, why won't you just speak into the microphone?

Hey!Is this thing on?

What's the deal with fire hydrants? Am I right?

Slow down, cowboy. Good things come to those who wait.

Yeah. I don't know how true that is.

I was waiting for something good, my best friend, Honey.

-Mm-hmm. -You'd like her, actually.

Similar name categories too, interestingly enough.

I guess I always thought there was a chance.

But I waited and waited, and now it's too late.

I know I said best friend, but Honey's actually a lot more than that.

She's basically my cool, wet grass that I scoot on.

She's my first morning pee.

You know what? Can you get an itch for me?

It's all the way by my shoulders.

Yeah, sure. Okay.

She's all I ever needed or wanted,

and I never had the courage to just say what I needed to say to her.

Here we go!

Bull?!

Honey! Oh my God, you're here!

Oh, okay, you know what? I'm really not into multiples.

I'm kidding! I totally am!

Can you imagine if that's where I drew the line?

Un-fucking-real.

I can't believe I ran away from a show just to find you mounting another dog.

You left the show to find me?

Wait. That's amazing! That's great!

This isn't, by the way-- I'm not mounting anybody.

Well, what would you call that?

What the-- No, no!

Yeah, you ain't going nowhere now, baby.

Mm-hmm.

-God, I'm such an idiot. -Honey, no! Wait, I can explain!

I saw you and Sterling, and I thought--

I mean, that's what you wanted, isn't it?

Doesn't matter now. I thought maybe you were different.

Clearly, you are the same as all of them.

No! Honey, this is not that.

You're hanging by your dick from her vagina, Bull!

What do you call it?

I don't know what to call it, but it isn't sex.

Oh shit! It's the cops!

I will rescue you, my darling.

You are the best lover I ever had.

No inhibitions, pure desire.

Lucky, no!

Stay away from her, motherfuckers!

I can handle myself. Stay away from me.

Shit!

No!

We gotta get out of here!

Oh! Rocco! Ah!

Ooh!

Ooh. You're mine now.

Oh shit! Look at those balls!

Come on, come on, I'm in heat! Take me now, take me now!

Give me the juice, give me the juice, give me the juice!

Hey, baby.

Fucking hell, nipples.

Look at those nipples! Look at all them nipples.

Come on and suck on these teats.

-Mum, can I finally really have some, Mum? -Come get it, boy.

-No, Rocco! That's not your mom! -But the nipples! The nipples!

Honey.

I'm a convict. Mother will never forgive me.

No more likes. No more hearts.

You have to face the truth, Fetch.

You're just a dog.

Bow-wow-wow.

Bow-wow.

I know this probably isn't the right time to say this, but I fell in love.

What? With who?

That striking Doberman, Frankie.

They are everything and have everything.

Everything? What do you mean?

They had a fruit and a vegetable.

Ah, I've heard about this.

You see, Frankie was born with both a cannoli and a lasagna.

I'm confused.

That doesn't matter, okay?

All I know is they taught me how to love myself.

And how to 699.

This is all my fault.

-Yeah. -For sure.

Oh, yeah. No, everything that happened is your fault, definitely.

-Thanks for the support. -Oh, look at you.

You don't belong in here.

Let's see if you have a chip. Yep, here we go.

Well, it won't be long now.

-How do you know? -He scanned her chip.

Her owners are being informed of her location as we speak.

Well, that's great, I guess.

She doesn't belong in a place like this.

Right this way. She's back here.

There she is.

Oh, Honey, my precious little angel.

How you ended up here, I'll never know.

We better hurry home. We have a big playdate for our little champion.

Big playdate?

Oh no.

What is it?

That's what he meant at the park! Fuck!

If Honey won, then he would get to breed with her.

She's gonna be studded out to that douchebag Sterling.

It's over.

Uh-oh.

I gotta go. I gotta go bad. Where do I go? Where do I go?

Don't you smell it, Lucky? It's all around you.

This fucking whole place is a giant pee puddle.

Holy shit, that just might work.

All right. Listen up, everyone.

Once we were on vacation at this place called Las Vegas, right?

They had a lot of lights, and all the…

What the heck's going on in there?

What the--

Bellagio these motherfuckers!

Now what?

Now you be the best human you can be.

Ah, you there, dog.

Do you think you could help out a, you know, fellow animal here?

Yeah, uh, not gonna happen. Fucking cats.

Fucking dogs.

Bull!

What is it, Lucky? We don't have much time.

I have to find Frankie.

-But-- -Frankie is my "Honey," Bull.

Ah shit, pal. That's all you have to say.

Good luck.

Frankie!

Frankie!

Frankie!

Frankie!

Hungry?

Frankie?

The one and only.

What the--

Yeah, they've been worried sick about you.

Went house-to-house looking for you and everything.

That's how we knew you left.

They… they love and miss me?

Then why the hell do they wanna cut off my balls?!

It's sweet and horrific all at the same time.

Oh, these two are gonna produce a prize-winning litter.

We're gonna make so much money.

Gosh, I forgot cheese and crackers.

Ooh, I'll help you. Hold on.

Gotta get loose.Yeah.

Don't wanna pull my hammy when I'm giving you the slam-bammy.

Stretch it out.

-Ugh. Whatever. Less talking, please. -Yeah.

Like, no talking.

Seriously, Honey, you should consider yourself one lucky bitch.

I'm kind of a top-notch stud. Like, there's a long waiting list.

Oh, it's a shame you can't mate with yourself

since you're so cool and interesting.

What can I say? Everyone wants my DNA.

I shoot gold out of this gun.

I've got a glistening coat, symmetrical body structure,

healthy gums, powerful gait, and a generally imposing stature.

Every bit the perfect asshole.

Yes, that too.

It's bleached every other week.

Ugh.

-He's such a douche. -What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna hop this fence and kick the shit out of that fucker!

Woo-hoo! Go, Bull!

I hope that stops soon.

I wouldn't want it to interfere with the timing of my rhythmic thrusting.

Right. Because if there's one thing that makes sex great, it's predictability.

Okay, I'm properly stretched.

Let's get this on, baby.

Oh no. They're starting.

Ooh, this is gonna be the most painful one.

I got this.

Why didn't you do that the first six times?

Well, I thought he'd make it.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oh.

Oh yes.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh yes.

Oh! Ah.

Bull.

My queen.

What the hell?

Honey, I'm sorry.

I came to the dog show to tell you… …something.

Something… …I should have said a long time ago.

But when I saw you and… …Sterling

up there, I thought I had blown my chance.

I never should have gone to that freaky-ass…

…Humphouse place.

-Bull, I-- -Uh. I'm sorry.

I have to say it now. I love you.

Oh, baby.

Oh yeah. Of course you love me.

Who wouldn't after this jackhammering?

What? He's going faster.

But to be clear, I do not love you.

Sorry, but I pride myself in always being honest.

You're just one of the many.

I've loved you since we were pups.

I loved when you chewed on my ears.

I loved that when it rained, we tried to bite all the raindrops.

I still pee like a girl because the way you did it seemed better.

Oh, Bull, are you crying?

Yeah, and not really sure if they're tears of joy or pain,

or what the heck's going on.

I don't know what's gonna happen after this,

but know that I will always and forever love you.

Oh, Sterling!

Oh yeah.Oh yes. Oh, Sterling.

That was interesting.

You're very tight,

or probably I'm so large.

I hope my girth didn't hurt much, not that I care.

Okay, bye.

What a performance. Who wants a cookie?

I think she really enjoyed it.

I'm not dripping, am I?

That was amazing.

You're like a hero.

Fuck Lassie. Fuck Beethoven. Even Benji can go fuck himself.

You're the real deal.

Yeah, that was some inspirational shit.

Well, I'm totally into ass play,

but the idea that Sterling's demon seed is inside of me

is completely traumatizing. So I'm gonna go dump him out.

Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Bull? Oh my God!

Bull, you're back!

Come here, Bully Boy.

-Oh, holy shit, he smells like ass. -Oh, my baby.

Watch the butthole, people, please.

Uh, Honey?

-Honey, I-- -Quiet. It's my turn to talk.

What you did, I just… I just wanna say thank you.

And I wanna tell you, I love you too.

Ever since we were pups. Just like you said.

-No way. -Yes, you idiot.

Why do you think I was always waiting at the fence for you to wake up?

I loved how you smelled your first pee spot

for 15 minutes each morning,

checking the same area over and over again.

I love that you failed obedience school

and that you sleep on your back spread-eagle

and that you were always waiting for me when I got home.

But I'm a… I'm a mutt. You're perfect.

Well, perfection has its flaws.

I'm over it.

What about your lineage?

Oh, fuck lineage. The world has enough Sterlings, right?

Yeah, but you should know I'm about to lose my one good asset.

Uh.

Yeah, trust me, no one is gonna miss those.

Really?

Really.

You are you in spite of those, not because of them.

Wish you could've told me that earlier.

We could've avoided this whole night.

Well, I'm glad I didn't, because then we might not have ended up together.

You are one of a kind, Bull.

And I love you for it.

And you know, I'm still in heat.

Me and Mrs., Mrs. Jones

Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones

We got a thing going on

When I wake up in the mornin', love

And the sunlight hurts my eyes

And somethin' without warnin', love

Bears heavy on my mind

Then I look at you

And the world's all right with me

Just one look at you

And I know it's gonna be

-A lovely day -Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day

Lovely day

Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day

-A lovely day -Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day

Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day

Lovely day, lovely day

Then I look at you

And the world's all right with me

Just one look at you

And I know it's gonna be

-A lovely day -Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day

Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day

Lovely day, lovely day

-A lovely day -Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day…

-'Sup, dog? -What's up? Looking good.

-Hey, thanks. -Wow. So fit, Bull.

Thanks, pup.

Ooh, looking good, Bull.

My man!

-What's up, Bull? -Hey, Bull!

What's good, y'all?

Hey, cowboy.

Howdy, partner.

How's it feeling?

Well, you know, okay, I guess.

But sometimes I get these phantom feelings,

like they're still there,

and then there's the nightmares.

They come haunt me like some crazy-ass testicle ghosts.

"Why did you kill us, Bull?"

"What did we ever do to you? Why?"

Ooh, that's super scary.

I used to dream that my balls became clowns

and performed at children's parties.

Whoa!

Hi, Honey.

-Hi. -All right, doll?

Hey, fellas.

All those pups.

Listen, some of you might not get the teat, all right?

But that's okay. It doesn't make you any less of a dog.

Ugh, this mom thing is a bitch.

I can't get a night's rest without someone sucking on my nipples.

I just… I…

I can't figure it out.

There's… there's no way those could be mine.

Maybe it's something I ate that day.

Hey there, champ. We've got a big surprise for you.

We filled the toilet with Kool-Aid.

-No! What the fuck? -Come on.

No! No, no, no! Uh-uh, no. Oh my God, no!

Karma's a bitch.

Suck my unobstructed dick, motherfucker!

Hey, come on, you bougie bitch.

It's ladies' night, and we gotta go.

Hey, Bully, do you mind watching the pups?

I wanna go with these crazy bitches and get our freak on.

Uh.

-Yeah. Okay, sure. -Woo-hoo!

Wait up, you hairy sluts!

Don't look so worried, Bull.

I mean, how freaky can those girls get, right?

Uh, yeah. You're right, Fetch.

How freaky can they get?

So hot in, hot in

With a little bit a With a little bit a

It's gettin' hot in here

So take off all your clothes

I am gettin' so hot

I wanna take my clothes off

Oh! Its gettin' hot in here

So take off all your clothes

I am gettin' so hot I wanna take my clothes off

Let it hang all out

Give a little bit a ah, ah With a little bit a ah, ah

Let it hang all out

With a little bit a ah, ah And a sprinkle of that ah, ah

Let it just fall out

I like it when ya ah, ah Girl, baby, make it ah, ah

Oh