Original subtitles

Oh, thanks to you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Whoa.

Whoa, yeah.

You're not taking that?

Like my golfing trophy.

He took on all comments on the pattern green of butlings to win that. That was

ten years ago.

I haven't used it since.

I have. Yeah?

You unblocked the drainpipe with it that Christmas?

Anyway, moving to Reigate, there'll be much more opportunity for me to play

golf. What, with one club?

I should be getting some more in the fullness of time.

You could be denying him a future Ryder Cup glory, you know.

There goes the last of Eric's pornographic books.

Right, what's next?

Just the kids' toys, but we'll do those tomorrow.

Oh, it's funny, isn't it?

You and him moving to Reigate.

Veronica going to Sicily with Marcello.

It's as though the whole fabric of Motsburg Park is breaking up, eh?

Time moves on.

That's very profound, that, Jean. Wish I'd said that.

Not for you, though.

You'll still be left in Motsburg Park when everyone else is gone.

It'll be like one of those old western ghost towns, then.

Balls of sagebrush blowing down the high street.

Shutters banging in the wind. And just one old -timer sitting in his rocking

chair in front of Elmo's wine bar.

I've got me plans.

Yeah, well, I hope they include finding a flat and a job.

Course Reigate will be heavily industrialised by then. There'll be a

of sulphurous pong hanging over the place.

All the golf courses will have been dug up to make wafer.

For new factories.

And, of course, the poor old women left their own world.

What plan?

I met this bloke the other night.

He's thinking of starting a theme park. What are you going to do? Walk about

dressed up as Mickey Mouse?

No, I'll be starting at ground level, me.

With the ten pounds from your building society as your share of the capital,

presumably.

See, your problem is, Jean, you think small.

Now, you forget I had my own business once.

Yeah, and that went bust because you went walkabout to Cairo.

Of course, you could always ask for your old job back in that bar there.

Get paid in boxes to date.

Very nice.

What happened to my fez, incidentally?

Oh, the kids have been using it in their sandpits.

Very nice.

No worse than having your putter thrown away.

Nah, that could be worth a lot of money in a few years' time.

Yeah, it only needs a clean -up.

I was going to buy you some golf balls last Christmas, you know.

You've changed your subject, haven't you?

You should be worrying about your breadwinner, Jean.

Even if you do let him take his putter, he's hardly likely to walk straight into

a job as assistant pro, is he?

Unlike some people, he's done something.

Yeah. Got an interview with a painter and decorator on Monday, as a matter of

fact. Have you?

Oh, well done.

Whilst you were giving a very good impression of Nero.

I'll make a cup of tea.

And you can leave that on the sofa as well.

Tea's up.

How's the inventory going?

It's a bit like going through somebody's belongings.

Well, it is.

It all belongs to Mr Phillips now.

He and Mrs Bainbridge exchanged contracts today.

That's another bit of the fabric gone.

Bainbridge is becoming Phillips.

Doesn't sound right, does it?

A bit like Harrods becoming Comet Warehouse.

Would you all come in, please?

Shall we take our tea in? No, leave it here. It can't get worse, can it?

Oh, thanks, Sandra.

Well, I'm not going to sell.

I can't go after Cicely leaving you all out of work.

Oh, Mrs Bainbridge!

Oh!

Be my guest.

Oh, right.

It's so kind, Mrs Bainbridge.

Are you sure you're doing the right thing?

Will you wait outside, Sandra?

Are you? Yeah, I'll be able to sleep at night this way.

What did Marcello say?

Marcello? About you jilting him for us.

Don't push your luck.

No, it'd be nice to have a business here, my own six penny worth. But who

run it for you, Mrs Bainbridge?

Oh, I haven't thought about that yet, Sandra. I've only just put the phone

on Mr Phillips.

Listen, Mrs Bainbridge, I'm deeply grateful, but I still feel a bit red

kissing you like that.

I like you, Eric.

So does he.

All these years people have thought it's me, but we go to a job, I say, hello,

Mrs Smith, can I start the painting? Not him, he's straight in.

And I've never felt safe alone in the office with him. Clear off, the lot of

you. I've got some thinking to do.

You know what gets me?

You're gorgeous with it.

Oh, that's a weight off my shoulders, that is.

She's so kind.

Fancy thinking of her.

Marcello had better behave himself in Sicily, you know. Otherwise I'll go

straight over there and squash his grapes.

Here's to Veronica.

To Veronica.

Something occurring to you, Eric?

Well, yeah, it is, as a matter of fact.

I mean, I am the foreman painter, after all.

You're measuring yourself for Veronica's chair, aren't you?

Well, let's face it, I am the obvious choice.

Who says?

I do.

Well, Veronica doesn't. You don't seriously think she'd ask you to manage

place, do you?

That's all right, Eric, don't worry, I'd still keep you on. Yeah, and I'd keep

you on, provided... Provided what?

What are you doing?

Oh, just measuring the door.

Make sure you can both get your heads through it.

It's not a matter of conceit, Sandra.

No, it's a matter of pure fantasy, as far as you're concerned.

Oh, stop it, the pair of you. I can't stand you being so presumptuous.

Aren't you overlooking something?

It's as plain as the nose on your face.

Veronica will obviously bring in someone from outside.

I've never liked you, Sandra.

Neither have I.

Yes, well, of course, I'm very pleased for you.

Your mother is a very exceptional woman.

It's all right. Don't keep on about her.

It's the first time I've mentioned her.

And sooner or later, Leslie, you'll realise she's marrying a very nice man.

Possibly. Pardon?

I said possibly.

She's getting positively flowery, isn't she? I think she's missing her mum

already.

It's a vote!

Oh, it is, Eric. Look, it's a boat, yes.

Yeah, it's got sails and everything.

And I have hired it.

Gordon Bennett?

You're not going to sell that on your own, are you? It comes with a crew, plus

chef who's going to make up something with my name on it.

Spinach Elmo, or something like that.

Where are you going, Elmo?

Ramsgate? Margate?

The Med, mate. That's short for the Mediterranean.

Well, I'm flabber.

It's short for flabbergasting.

I thought you would be. Well, what do you reckon?

Well, I think if you've got it, you should flaunt it.

And you haven't heard the best bit. The Fabulous Five are coming as well.

What, the Enid Blyton crowd?

No!

Susie, Jane, Emma, Gemma and Nancy.

Who are they?

He pulled them at the casino the other night. Yeah, I did, didn't I? Yes, you

did, Elmo.

Look, I don't want to sound like a wet blanket. I know you took them all to

supper the other night, but had they all actually signed up for this nautical

adventure? Falling over themselves, super trippy, brill, things like that.

He's taking a girl for a roll on the serpentine, doesn't he?

When did his odyssey begin?

Friday. That's a bit precipitous, isn't it? What?

Quick.

Take the bull by the tail, that's my motto from now on.

All I've got to do is get kitted out for sea, and it's yo -ho -ho.

You going to wear a patch and a cutlass down your trousers?

No, I am not. I'm going to get a few cricket blazers and cricket flannels,

I'm going to get this cat with gold braid round it.

Do you think I ought to have my name picked out in gold thread? Elmo, you

won't it?

Nah, I think everyone will know who he is, don't you?

Of course they will.

I think I'll have my wardrobe designed by that bloke who did my dress suit.

You saw how I looked to you now, didn't you? We did, we did.

I think I'll give you the bell now. Get him started.

Avast, lads.

Avast, Elmo.

Of course, mind -boggling, isn't it?

Elmo loose in the Mediterranean.

Could do wonders for international relations.

Have another bit of the fabric gone?

Motsburg Park without Elmo Putney?

Be a bit like Victorian England without Jack the Ripper.

He's only going for a month or two.

Yeah, but you haven't seen The Fabulous Five.

He could sail round the world three times and still not even think to look

calendar. Oh, I wouldn't change places with him.

No, neither would I, Eric.

Now I've still got me job, I think I'll just plod on.

You might have got your job back, but you still haven't done anything about

finding a flat.

We're moving Saturday, in case you've forgotten.

I know, I've just been biding me time.

Now I know my financial position, I can get the grips with the property market.

You've just been putting it off.

All right, I have.

You can't afford a bar, you know.

I know.

I'm going to rent.

Blimey, O 'Reilly, Eric, there must be hundreds of places you can rent round

here. Just a matter of choosing one.

Hmm.

You sounded like Jean when you'd done that.

Hmm. You look like her, then.

Right, I've made a decision.

You're going to adopt us all and take us to Sicily with you.

A decision about who is going to manage Bainbridge's.

I haven't come to it lightly because each of you has qualities that I've

great store by.

It was a matter of choosing the one with the best combination of those

qualities. The one I really think can run the whole shooting match for me.

It's you, Sandra.

Me? Bainbridge? Yes.

Do you think I'm up to it?

Because I would really love to be up to it. I would love the opportunity.

Then take the opportunity.

Thanks, Mrs Bainbridge.

Well done, Dondra.

No hard feelings.

And I want you to know that I shall have no reservations about working for a

woman. Well, could you? You've been working for me long enough.

Oh, yeah.

Jackal.

Well done, Titch.

Right. Sandra, get your stuff in here. There's precious little time to get you

used to this side of the desk before I go.

Yes, of course.

Everything will look the other way round.

Hold on a moment, Jacko.

Listen, Eric, I've called you a cuddly toy in the past.

I see.

For you more than that, I want you to be Sandra's strong right arm.

I'll do my best, Mrs Bainbridge.

Would you want me to be her left earlobe?

really put out, are you? Well, I'm not exactly doing cartwheels, Veronica.

Would you have picked you?

I did run my own business once. Yes, into the ground.

That was circumstances.

Yeah, you disappearing for six weeks.

You're a Peter Pan, Jacko.

So far as taking responsibility is concerned, you haven't grown up.

Well, I could sit behind the desk so me nappy wouldn't show.

Come on, I couldn't have given you this job and you know it.

No, I suppose not.

Did I come second? No, third.

I walked into that one, didn't I?

And you let Sandra settle in before you start to give her the sort of cheek

you've given me.

It's not in my nature to be cheeky, Veronica.

I only did it to you because I thought you liked it.

I shall miss you.

I shall miss you too.

Here, do you remember when you were going through an especially bad patch

Lionel and we were thinking of having a fling?

I still go red just thinking about it.

I'm glad we never flung.

Why? I'm not good enough for you, Veronica.

That's been borne out by the fact I only came third in the management state.

Well, uh, it's time we should go home.

Yes, I suppose it is.

Well, Leslie... Can I... come to the wedding?

Oh, Leslie, you do find it so hard, don't you?

Now the wedding will be complete.

I'm sorry I've been such a fit.

I shall try to make your mama happy.

I know you will.

Goodbye, Mummy.

I don't know how you put up with me.

Perhaps at the moment like this, I must be the most horrible self.

Not too much contrition in one day.

Bye.

Bye.

What's that, Eric?

That, um...

Oh, that's the carpet sweeper. Oh.

Funny how they make them shape like golf clubs these days, don't they? Look, it

doesn't take up a lot of room. I'm nostalgic about it.

Oh, go on, then.

You'd smuggle it down there somehow. I know you would.

Oh, go on, Jean. Let him take his putter. He's taking it. He's taking it.

He didn't object to you taking that awful plastic bust of Cliff Richard.

That Robin Spottiswood gave you on your 14th birthday?

No, well... What plastic buster, Cliff Richard?

Well, it's just a little thing.

It's horrible.

Why haven't you thrown it away, then?

This is you who's died, this, isn't it?

Where have you been, anyway?

Down the electricity showroom.

Why? Well, I want to get one of those cardboard boxes, you know, the big ones

that the washing machines come in.

Got to live somewhere, haven't I?

Finding out, are you?

Well, you should have warned me.

Well, we have been on and on and on to you about it.

Yeah, but you didn't tell me how much it was going to cost to rent a place, did

you? If you'd have bothered to look in the papers, you'd have found out.

It's going to take half me wages to rent a slum.

And there's food and social life to think of.

You'll have to choose then, won't you?

We could do with losing a bit of weight anyway.

The sympathy in this place is like being wrapped in a warm blanket.

Have you actually looked anywhere?

Record might be a better word.

Last place I looked at, the bed comes out of the wall.

I hardly touch it, a big bit of plaster come out the ceiling.

The bathroom's three flights down on the landing, you've got to share it.

And the cooker was like something that'd come out of the Crimean War.

Sounds awful.

That was the best place.

Well, why not put more of your wages towards getting a place that's halfway

decent? I don't want a place that's halfway decent, Jean. I want somewhere

that's a bit stylish.

Big picture windows, nice view.

So that when you lure some poor unsuspecting female through the door,

say, oh, what a lovely flat.

I'd love to stay here for a few days.

Might have been part of me thinking, yeah.

It's cold outside.

You doing the weather forecast now, are you?

No, I mean life.

You see, life doesn't have a personality.

It's utterly cold.

It's up to every man to light his own fire.

You should have been a hospital visitor, Eric.

You'd have emptied the beds in no time.

I shall probably have a little cry tomorrow.

No good you trying to get round me by telling me that you love me.

No, I mean saying goodbye to the house.

Nears me thinking I was going to save up for a year to come and visit you in

Reigate.

I shall probably start taking the Daily Telegraph.

Why? Well, I'll be a commuter, won't I?

Oh, blimey.

There's him thinking about what paper he's going to buy and I'll be lying on

embankment under one.

Do you remember when you fell through the conservatory roof?

I was not showing off to the girl next door, no matter what anybody says.

You didn't have a single cut on you.

There wasn't any glass in the roof.

Yes, there was.

Oh, yeah.

I'll get by.

Albeit in reduced circumstances.

Right, that does it.

The putter is not going.

No, no, no, put it back. It is going over the garden wall, Jack. Hello,

Leslie.

These are for you.

For me? Why?

Well, I thought you'd be a bit sad with your mum gone. I know I was when me mum

ran off with me dad.

Well, yeah, evidently I was a noisy child.

But still, that's in the past.

Anyway, this is to cheer you up. That's very kind. What is it? Open it, open it.

They're night dresses.

Yeah, novelty ones.

There's seven of them, one for each day of the week.

I can see that. They've got the days of the week embroidered on them. Clever,

isn't it?

Do you like them?

Yes. Thank you.

That's all right. And now for the cherry on top of the cake.

You haven't bought me anything else to wear.

No, I'm talking careers now. You see, I'll go afloat today and I need someone

manage the place while I'm gone.

And, wait for it, here it comes.

It's you!

Obviously. Oh.

You're hardly going to find anybody else at the 11th hour, are you?

Well, I thought you'd be overwhelmed.

And I'll do it on one condition.

Condition? This conversation's going all wrong.

What condition?

That I have a free hand to turn this place into what it should be. Oh, no,

are not turning it into a disco. Those flashing lights make me fall over.

Not a disco.

A wine bar.

Well, it already is.

I mean one that attracts customers. You want to take my pink away, don't you?

That's the first thing I do.

But that's what singles the whole place out.

Exactly. Look, give me a chance.

I've got a lot of ideas. I know I could make it work.

And if it's not a success by the time you get back... I can change it back to

pink again.

Yeah. Well, I am having me upstairs completely re -gutted and done.

I might as well go for the old shebang.

You won't regret it.

There's just one thing. You are not to change the name. It stays as Elmo

Putney's Wine Bar, cos I thought that one up meself. Oh, all right.

Hello, Admiral.

Ready to set sail?

Yeah. And I'll tell you why.

You've got to ask me why.

Oh.

Why?

Because... Yeah?

Yeah? Did you think of that one yourself?

I did, I did.

Well, you're going to have the fabulous five in stitches, you are, Elmo. Yeah,

I'm getting ever so excited. They'll be here in a minute.

How does my garb grab you?

You look a real sea dog, Elmo.

Hello, Leslie.

What's in the box? Nothing.

Nothing?

Well, we only popped in to wish you bon voyage, Elmo.

That's very nice of you. Eric and Jean popped in earlier. They go tomorrow,

don't they? Yeah, I know.

And then Veronica and Marcello popped in yesterday before they went. She gave me

a peck on the cheek.

And Marcello said... He said, um... Bini Fortunata. Something like that. It was

in Italian, but I know he meant well.

Yeah, yeah. I hear you've come up in the world.

Yes, I'm tomorrow's woman, Elmo.

And I'm tomorrow's woman's underling, Elmo.

You've started, haven't you?

No, I haven't. Always bow to you and call you madam when I come in the

shouldn't do it when I'm making up the wages.

You can see which way this is going, can't you? No offence, Sandra, but a

business brain like mine would have chosen Jacko. Well, you know how women

together? Quite.

I've still got my job, even though it is hanging by a thread. With me holding

the scissors.

Tyrant. How's the flat hunting going?

Oh, I haven't got enough ammunition, Elmo.

Looks as though I'm going to end up living in a converted rabbit hutch. Oh,

dear.

Here, just a minute.

You offered me one of your rooms not long ago, do you remember?

Oh, mate, if only you'd said yes at the time. I'm having it completely gutted.

I'm having it redone as an ocean liner at sea.

You're going through quite a nautical phase at the moment, aren't you, Elmo?

Yeah, I wonder why.

Who knows?

Yeah.

You're not having your windows turned into portholes, are you? How did you

that?

Wild guess.

And I'll make a wild guess that you'll have the ship's rail painted halfway up

your walls with the sea behind it.

And the golden sun setting on the horizon.

I bet you'll have your kitchen done as a ship's gully.

And hammocks in the bedroom.

You two are uncanny.

So you've read my mind. The only thing you've missed out are the seagulls.

Not flying about indoors?

No, no, I've got a 24 -hour recording of it to make it authentic.

I've got to see this.

I've got to hear this.

Hello, shipmates.

Hello.

Here. We're ready when you are. Right, take the keys, stow your gear in the

Cadillac, and I'll be right with you.

Where did you find them?

On a table.

At the casino.

Oh.

Leslie!

I'm off now.

Don't go without your cap.

Oh, no, this tops me off, this does.

I'm pleased to see you resisted the temptation to have your name on it,

I couldn't in the end. I mean, I am Elmo, aren't I?

The one and only.

Ta -ra, Leslie.

See you in a few weeks or months.

Goodbye. Have a... Have a... Not every time, but did you have in mind?

Hey, listen, when you have the place redone, promise me you won't make it too

gaudy. I'll do my best.

Cheers, Sandra.

Bye, Elmo.

I'll look forward to the book.

Don't sing anymore. I'll get all emotional.

Ta -da!

I still can't get over his shit, mate.

They just like a winner.

Elmo!

Elmo! Elmo!

No, no, don't!

No!

Filet, girls!

What, what?

Oh, yeah, look.

I was responsible for all this, wasn't I? And I am eternally grateful.

Yeah, but what I want you to realise is these girls, whatever they are, they

like a man who's a winner.

Got money.

Like you, Elmo.

Yeah?

Well, I don't want you to mistake it for... Love,

Elmo. I know the score. I have matured. Oh, good.

Yeah, you see, I'm at the stage you were at years ago.

Only you're rich with it. Yeah. See, I've got all your life ahead of me.

Deeply envious, Elmo.

Good luck, mate.

See you, Jacko. The sun has finally come out for Elmo Putney.

It's funny to think that we've ended up as, well, successful businesswomen, I

suppose you'd call us.

Yes, I suppose we are.

Funny, isn't it?

Everybody's moved on, or moved up.

All except Jacko.

Yes, he still doesn't seem to have any idea where he's going.

He just cruises along, unreliable and cheerful.

Yeah. Part of his attraction, I suppose.

Do you still fancy him?

Me?

No, we're just mates.

Do you?

No.

I'll get something to go with this.

What was all that about?

He's forgotten he's made wet.

No, he hasn't. He's got five of them sitting in the car.

I wonder if there's any opals left in Australia to find.

Hello?

Listen, Jackal, about this flat business.

If you really can't find anywhere decent... Jacko, it's for you.

Excuse me, sir.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Rick.

No, I didn't throw it over the garden wall.

I left it behind the dustbins.

And you.

Jacko? Yeah?

I don't like the thought of you having to live somewhere awful.

Don't you, Leslie?

I'll be quite lonely in that house all by myself.

Oh, Leslie.

Excuse me, sir.

Because of you, because of you,

because of you,

because of you, oh, oh,

and you love nature, you love

nature.

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