Original subtitles

Oh, thanks to you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Look at it.

Just look at it.

Yeah, takes your breath away, doesn't it?

Yes, it does.

Well, to keep the customer away.

It's him.

He's the only one we've had all evening.

Listen, you can't expect the place to be packed out every night.

We're never packed out.

Well, no. No, you're right, we're not.

And we all know whose fault that is. Yes, we do.

Yours. I beg your pardon.

Look, I'm paying a king's ransom so you can pull the knobs in. Where are they?

They've been, they've seen, and they don't want to come back.

Well, what's wrong with them? They've got taste.

Look, I'm the one with bloody taste, mate.

So why can't you even employ a decent cook?

Don't you ever go up Wally's, fed 600 men in a day, yes? A catering barrack,

yes. And they're not allowed to complain, are they? Oh, leave off.

the name catering comes from.

Catering. No, it doesn't. And it's not just him, it's everything.

If you gave me a free hand, I could transform this place.

Oh, no, Miss, not as long as there's a button in my belly.

All right, go down with the sinking ship. Just don't expect me to drown with

you. Look, a lot of the problems here come from your continual emptiness.

I ought to put myself about a bit more, show you what charm is actually supposed

to be.

Watch.

Care for a drop more wine on the house, Mr. Tapsall?

No, trying to give it away now, are you?

Look, mush, I've had an ex -cavalry officer here. What are they after to do,

feed a horse?

Quit it!

Oh, that's what charm is. Oh, he's loopy. He works down the drains.

They always go funny when they work down the drains.

You're open, are you? In theory, yes.

Don't... Don't listen to her, Veronica. We'll be war to war with customers

later. When the pub's let out, yes, but that's the only time, isn't it?

As long as they don't bring their takeaways in with them, their customers.

Sorry, didn't mean to start a war.

I'd like a bottle of wine to take with me, please.

Italian, presumably?

Yes.

Certainly, Mummy.

Why are you calling me Mummy? Just giving a few lessons in charm.

Chianti Classico?

Yes. That'll be fine.

Have this on me, Veronica, and many congratulations on your forthcoming

to Marcello. That's very sweet of you, Elmo. Thank you.

Yes, everyone's delighted.

Except those of us who are going to suffer.

Suffer? Well, you're going off to Sicily. You're selling the business.

I assume you're selling the house as well and leaving me out on the street?

Leslie, even by your standards, that's a silly thing to say. Of course I'm not

selling the house. The house is yours.

Oh. Well, I didn't know that, did I? Thank you, Mummy.

I was going to say that. And for your information, Leslie, Marcello wouldn't

have it any other way.

Oh.

Thank you, Marcello.

He isn't here.

Oh. Oh, no.

Mind you, it would be nice if you were to convey something of that to Marcello.

Yes, well, I will, if I happen to bump into him. You live in the same house.

Any offers for the business yet, Veronica?

As vacant business premises, yes, but I don't want to put my staff out of work,

so I'm trying to sell it as a painters and decorators.

Oh, that's more harder.

I know, but I feel I owe it to them to try.

I've got two people interested, so it's a question of hope for the best.

Good night. Good night, Mummy.

Hasta la vista, Veronica.

It's a shame your mother and I never made a go of it, you know.

You leave your tie alone, you'll strangle yourself in a minute.

What if he's not happy about me wearing a suit?

Well, it's too late now. You can't stand here in your vest and underpants, can

you?

His name's Mr Sweet.

That sounds too good to be true, doesn't it?

Yeah. What if he hates us on sight?

Well, he can't sentence us to death, can he? All he can do is say he doesn't

want us to work for him. Oh, it's all right for you. You're shiftless.

Thank you.

Yeah, you're driving a wife, two children, another on the way, and a

mortgage to pay. No -one press -ganged you into it. Yeah, well, it doesn't make

it any less worrying.

Oh, it's a lovely house, Sandra.

Raggett's a nice place.

Yeah. Of course, I've got the warriors telling ours now.

Must be a very worrying time.

Yeah. I hope you realise you're underdressed.

What do you mean?

Well, I thought you'd be wearing a hat, veil and long white gloves.

That's Mr Sweet.

Are you trying to turn irresponsibility into an art form?

All I'm saying is, one way or the other, it's out of our hands, isn't it?

Do you think I've got time to go again?

Don't talk to Eric. It's all in your mind. That's what I keep telling myself.

It's not working.

For sure. Mrs Bainbridge couldn't have tried harder for us.

Nah, she's a good one, Veronica.

I mean, people do take a dislike to other people.

Oh, shut up, Eric.

Look on the bright side.

Veronica's had the now for taking to lunch first.

Sweeten up, Mr Sweet. No, no, no.

Don't do any name jokes, please.

Ah, well, we'll put him in a good mood then. Oh, God.

Now what's the matter?

You don't think she's taken him to Elmo's, do you?

Jack, who did say no?

Come on, let's have a cup of tea while we're waiting.

Oh, don't be... Here we are, Mr Sweet. I thought you might like to meet some of

my staff.

Oh, with pleasure.

This is Sandra, my right arm. Pleased to meet you, Mr Sweet. Hello, my dear.

Eric, my foreman painter.

How do you, Mr Do?

No, how do you do, Mr Sweet?

I'm not the Inquisition, Eric. No, no.

And this is Jacko.

How do, Mr Sweet? Hello, Jacko. You haven't got a title?

No, too low -born, I'm afraid.

Shall we go through to the office before you look round?

That's fine.

What a nice man.

What a very nice man. What a very nice man indeed.

Oh, shut up!

You two sound like that commercial.

Champagne cocktail, please, Elmo.

Right -o.

I am.

Looks like we're going to have a new governor.

And he's the nicest bloke you could ever wish to meet.

He's going to have another look at the premises tomorrow, but it's all over bar

the shouting.

That's good.

Well, don't get overexcited, Elmo, will you?

What's the matter?

Well, a woman stuck an ice cream cone on me nose in Woolworths.

I was trying to strike up a conversation and I said, give us a bit, and she

stuck it up your nose.

Oh, dear.

Did I strike cold up your nostrils? Yeah, well, it would do.

Wait a minute. What were you doing trying to strike up conversation?

Hey, I thought you was off with me. I thought you'd become a cynic.

Well, I've given that up. They never seemed to notice when I was doing it.

I suppose offering them a glass of white wine and then saying that you haven't

got any is a bit...

Bit subtle, eh? No.

I don't want to be cynical anymore.

Why?

Well, I'm lonely, they are, then. That's why I went to Woolworths.

With all due respect to Woolworths, it's not prime hunting territory now, is it?

No. I had hoped this place would be. I had hoped it would attract hordes of

models. And what did I get? One gold digger.

We're going to have to do something about you.

Chop my head off.

No, that's not very constructive, is it?

What are you doing?

I'm thinking.

When they had debutantes, they used to have parties for them, didn't they?

Now, I'm trying to think of the equivalent for you.

A party?

No, no.

I'm trying to think of how to maximise your plushies and where best to show

off. fancy dress party.

No, no, no, no.

No, I got it, Elmo, I got it. What? Get your glad rags on, meet me back here at

nine o 'clock tonight, we're going out.

We?

Yes. You and me?

Well, that is us.

Oh, mate, after all these years, I'm hitting the town with a master.

I'm not the master, Elmo, I just try hard, and tonight I'm trying hard for

Do you know, I'm so happy I could have a good howl.

Now, don't cry, mate, don't cry. You make all your eyes red. See you later.

Right, hey, thanks.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Leslie.

You look as though you should be called up with someone in front of a roaring

fire. You haven't even got a flat, let alone a roaring fire.

Make a note of meself. Get a flat with an open fireplace.

I never know I've said you seriously.

Neither do I.

Here you are.

Comics. And this is not a precedent for my running errands. I only did it

because you've been moping about like a motherless seal all day.

Oh, thanks, Leslie. They would cheer me up, but... I don't need them anymore.

Oh, wouldn't you know it. And why?

I'll tell you why.

I am going out with a master tonight.

Well, as Noel Coward is dead, I can only assume you mean the character in Doctor

Who. Who?

That's what I'm saying. Who?

Jacko. Oh, good Lord.

Yeah, he's taking me out.

Why? Well, it's something to do with being, like, a debutante.

Now, I know what I mean.

Anyway, it's men's business, so leave it at that. Oh, men's business. And he's

the master, is he? Yeah, yes, yes.

Rubbish. Jekyll's agreeable enough at times, but elevating him to the position

of master?

Honestly. Well, you caved into him quick enough.

Read your comment.

Won't they have in a conservatory?

I've always wanted a conservatory.

You won't hang your washing out in it, will you, Jean?

I'll be allowed to hang it out in the garden, will I? Oh, yeah, of course.

I fancy having such a big garden.

We'll have to get a lawnmower.

We had a tiny little conservatory when we were kids.

Only Jacko fell through it.

It did get mended.

How did he manage that?

How do you think?

Leaning out his bedroom window, showing off to the little girl next door.

Yeah. Right, so what they like then?

Who? The people who bought the house.

Oh, I don't know, Jean saw them this morning. What they like, Jean, they all

right?

Perfectly. Is something in ferrous and non -ferrous metals, apparently?

Well, that's nothing. Dr. Crippen was something in medicine.

Yeah, yeah, you have got to look below the surface with people. I mean, we

want to talk to just anybody.

He's winding you up.

They were perfectly nice people and they love the house.

Apart from Jacko's room, which was a total mess.

Sorry, Mum.

It's all coming together, innit? All those years of self -denial, well,

finally paying off.

It wasn't all self -denial, was it? You've got two and a half kids.

You're in no position to be funny.

You haven't even got a flat yet.

Yeah, but it looks as though I'm going to keep my job, so there's no problem,

there? There's nobody else in the family like you.

I don't know where it comes from.

You should have got married a long time ago. That would have got you under

control. I beg your pardon?

In a nice way, of course.

Right, right, well, I'm going to have a bath. Get changed. I'm going out

tonight. What's their name?

Elmoette. Who?

Elmo. What are you going out with him for?

Well, he's been moping about like a broken -hearted Spaniel, so I thought

rehabilitate him. Oh, yeah?

Where are you going?

Casino. Gambling?

No, they do cream teas there.

Of course I'm gambling.

You're a barmy, you are. You need every penny you can get for a flat and you go

off gambling.

Do you know what you should call your new home, Jean?

What? Dumb moaning.

Why don't you make me wear a tie?

Because it's the house rules, Elmo.

Well, I reckon they're just trying to flog ties.

No, you give it back at the end.

Oh, yeah.

I bought it specially.

I was going to ask you about this.

Why? To look like you.

Well, I'm very flattered, Elmo.

But also for courses, eh?

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah. Were you excited?

Well, I'm not sure, really.

Why not?

Well, it's a casino.

We said casino on the front of the building. Yeah, I know that, but I

might be the name of a club.

I thought you would take him into a club.

Golf club?

No, you know what I mean.

How can I put it? A crumpy club.

Look, Elmo, let's begin at the beginning.

Never, ever say that word again.

Why?

Because they don't like it.

Who doesn't? The crump, the women.

All right, then. It's a lot to learn.

Right. We'd better get started, then, eh?

All right.

Are you sure about this place?

Are you positive?

Well, I hope so. I hope so.

Have faith, Elmo.

Faith.

That'll cost you, Elmo. You send me the bill, mate, and I'll pay it.

No, not me. That.

Well, that's all right. That's just some of the interest I make on one of my

accounts.

Is it?

Yeah, and money anyway.

Yeah. I don't know what I was thinking of.

Jacko. What? She smiled at me.

She

didn't

all smell nice.

So do you, Elmo.

It's hot.

What should I do now? Throw back again?

No, because you could be doing that all night.

I've got to put a chip on for you.

How? Well, go, be lucky for me.

I'm hot.

Get off me.

Would you be lucky for me, please?

I'd love to.

Keep watching.

You're not too, Elmo.

Lucky for you.

Would you be lucky again for me, please? Of course.

Is that all right, Jacko?

All right.

That was inspired, Elmo.

Blimey!

Double blimey, there's another one. What shall I do with her?

One of your chips.

Hey, Jacko, do you want to know something?

I'm still up and I don't care anymore.

Does my old heart good to see you doing so well, Elmo?

Shizzle. A penny has just dropped.

I just saw all your vitality drain away from you then. What's the matter?

It's not me that's pulling them. It's all his shoe.

But I haven't done anything.

Well, you don't have to. You're like flypaper.

I promise you, Elmo, on your sacred gold lame pants, that it is you that is the

attraction and not me.

All right, I'll prove it to you.

You're on your own, mate.

No, don't!

My mate's going home.

Sorry, Mrs Bainbridge, would you like to sit here? Oh, no.

No, it looks as though it's going to be your place.

Get used to it.

Actually, would you mind if I popped out for ten minutes?

No, of course not.

Give you a chance to look for all the bogus entries in the ledgers.

They look fine to me.

I shan't be long. I've just got to pick up some plane tickets.

Going anywhere nice?

Heaven any good?

Looking good. It's looking very good.

How you could ever describe Veronica as a cruel woman, I'll never know, Eric.

I've just got to pop out. I shan't be long.

You know, I feel as if I'm in my conservatory already.

He always feels like that when he's been kissed.

You will come and see us, won't you, Sandra?

I'll drive.

I might get myself a car.

Oh, I don't know what's the matter with you two.

You let money slip through your fingers like water.

like, Mr Sweet?

Yes, I'm all right.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to tell Mrs Bainbridge I've changed my

I shan't be buying.

But why?

Why, Mr Sweet?

I shan't tell her the real reason. It might offend her. But tell us.

It sounds silly.

But when I was in there on my own, I just didn't feel right.

Go on.

Well, you know what it's like. Some places you feel right and some you

There's an atmosphere in there.

That's the only way I can describe it.

I am sorry.

I'll telephone Mrs Bainbridge.

What was all that about?

Ah, perhaps it's just playing a joke on us.

You don't play jokes with an expression like that.

Atmosphere.

Well, some people are sensitive to atmosphere.

I know my granny was.

You do hear of it.

That can't be.

Can't be what?

Lionel.

Lionel bloody Bainbridge.

He's reached out from beyond his urn to put the bockers on us.

Do you think this is a portent?

Oh, don't keep on about that. Come on, let's unload.

Whoa!

There is one thing, though.

If we make a good job of painting the job centre, it is a recommendation,

it? And there's Mr Philip.

He's coming today.

He'd like to play.

True. Otherwise it could be the last time we ever put up a trestle together.

It's been like a marriage, hasn't it? Yeah.

We've had our laugh, had our row, our ups and downs.

You've never kissed me.

Well, you never looked as if you wanted me to.

Do I always have to do the asking?

Lots of love.

Yeah.

I can admit that.

It's been like a part of my life.

It was.

Is. Still could be.

If what you said about Mr. Phillips, he could kick off by giving us a £200 a

week pay rise.

20 weeks paid holiday a year. Just to keep the job, that's all I want.

Oh, I'm asking if I want to change into my suit at three o 'clock. He's coming

at four.

I wouldn't bother, Eric.

I think it was your suit that put Mr Sweet off.

Did you really think that was possible?

Yeah. No, about Lionel, I mean.

No!

Lionel was too much of a sweetie to do anything like that.

Quick, it's Mr Phillips. He turned up early. Mrs Bainbridge wants you back at

the office to meet him.

Oh, what about my suit?

Well, you'll have to charm them with your dungarees, only quick.

Yeah, come on, quick, run.

We're in the van, you puddin'. Oh, yeah?

Well, where are my keys?

Look, hold up, hold up. Let's have a bit of human dignity here. See it for what

it is.

We are rushing to grovel for a job. Yeah.

Well, hurry up, then.

I'm dirtier than you are. It's my brush.

Oh, you two leave off.

He's buying a painter's, not Hardy Amy's. I wonder what he's doing.

Well, I hope he's not under the desk looking at you two, otherwise we've had

Oh, damn, I'm blast. Damn, I'm blast.

Now, what's the matter?

I thought of something terrific to say to him in a van. I can't remember what

was now.

Oh, God.

Sandra, have you seen him? What's he like?

I don't know. He was already in with Mrs Bainbridge when I came back from lunch.

Well, haven't you got a spy hole in the wall?

I wish I did.

Good. You're back.

Listen, I don't want to raise your hopes too high, but I think Mr Phillips is

going to buy.

Shh! Just keep everything crossed, eh?

Oh, Mr Phillips.

I don't think I can do much more of this.

Don't faint in here. Go in the paint store.

I don't want him thinking our head's full and suffers from the vapours.

Oh,

don't give him any water. Don't give him any of that. It affects his plumbing.

No, I want to listen.

Good. Oh, dear, you make the CIA look positively primitive, you two.

Well, this is good news, Mr Phillips.

I hope it's good news for both of us. Yes.

I thought you might like to meet some of my staff.

Why?

Well, in case you've got anything to say to them.

No, I've nothing to say to them.

Oh, well, in your own time, then, obviously.

I don't think you quite understand, Mrs Bainbridge. I shan't be keeping any of

your staff on.

I'm bringing in my own people.

I'm afraid I am.

Close your eyes. I've got a surprise for you.

Oh, God, it's not another ice sculpture, is it? No, this knocks out into a

cocktail. Please close your eyes.

No. I'll give you a bonus.

Oh, all right.

Like a kindergarten in this place. Ready?

Cut this.

It's only one man in London makes these.

Find him and kill him.

I think I look terrific.

Well, you're the one who's got to wear it.

Wait till I get a load of this. Who?

People. Oh, lucky them.

Oh!

What's the matter?

I've left a pin in me shirt. Can you get it out for us, please? Well, where is

it? It's round the back.

Have you found it?

Yes. You have seen this lining, have you? Of course I have. I chose it

personally. Oh, I should have known.

Incidentally, what is this about?

Bringing the customers back here.

By offering them free drinks for four and a half hours?

Speculate and accumulate.

Have you advertised outside?

No. Well, then how are they supposed to know?

Well, it's written down here.

But nobody will come in to read it.

Word will get around.

What are you going to do, open the door and shout up and down the street?

I'm not like that.

I could hire a doorman, he could do it. Oh.

Well, the dole queue starts here.

I bet his secretary is some little know -nothing in an Angora sweater and a

tight skirt.

I shall be bringing in my own people.

I bet they're all his relations.

All the same stupid face.

I just hope Lionel makes another appearance from beyond his urn.

It turns all their hair white overnight.

It wouldn't get us our jobs back, though, would it?

Oh, if only Mrs Bainbridge had said no.

If she'd said no to Marcello, none of this would have happened.

Oh, come on, Veronica did her best.

It wasn't her fault.

Yeah.

Compliments for me, mate?

Why? Come over to the bar and I'll tell you.

Are you trying to compete with Screaming Lord Such, Elmo?

He's just an MP. We'll see now about taste.

Here, Eric.

Want to see the lining?

Oh, I've never seen anything like that in my entire life. No, mate, and you

won't, cos it's the only one in existence.

Here, don't forget, Chaco.

Right, here.

Elmo!

Yeah, he could signal to ship him with that, couldn't he?

Why the champagne?

I don't know, but it's just the thing to celebrate with, isn't it?

I'd better go, in case he blows his lid off.

What is it, Elmo?

Bullseye, mate, that's what it is.

You going on that game show?

No, I'm talking about the casino last night.

How? Did you click?

Clicked? More like a pair of castanets, me.

Yeah? Which one?

All five of them.

All five? Yeah.

Susie, Jane, Emma, Gemma and Nancy.

I'm taking them out to dinner tonight, hence the rig up.

You're taking all five to dinner? That's right. I've booked a table for six.

That's the five of them and me, you see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm full of admiration for you, Elmo.

Well, look, I know this is just bread and butter stuff to the genius, but I've

got to start somewhere, haven't I?

Do they all know that the others are coming?

Oh, yes, very matey.

Have you given any thought to taking them home afterwards?

No, not yet. I could get my A to Z and do a map. Is that what you'd do?

Yeah, more or less, Elmo, yes.

Oh, picking it up already.

Picking it up you are.

Well, you're leaving me for dead, Elmo.

What was that all about?

Aye, just telling me what he won at the casino last night.

It's even more stupid if you had gone there last night now.

I only lost 30 quid.

Jobless and soon to be homeless. Just the time to do it.

Oh, there you are. I thought you were coming home to change.

Yeah.

What happened?

Didn't he turn up?

Oh, he turned up all right.

Went through us like a combine harvester.

He's bringing his own staff in.

Even Eric's suit wouldn't have swung it for us.

My love.

Reigate or bust?

Reigate and bust.

We'll manage.

Yeah, we'll manage.

Job hunting.

That's the first thing, isn't it? We haven't got long.

Right, I'll tell you what. Let's go round to RL, have some tea, and then

have a job hunting session.

Good idea.

Well? Rick Van Winkle?

Are you finally going to awake from your sleep?

I know what has to be done. Well, come on, then. Only not tonight.

Why on earth not?

I met this nice little croupier at the casino last night. She's popping in to

have a drink before she goes to work.

Do you know something?

If you were going down with the Titanic, I swear you'd turn to the woman next to

you and say, Fancy coming out tonight?

You've got to keep a sense of proportion, haven't you?

Because of you, because of you.