Original subtitles

Oh, thanks to you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Will you leave those glasses alone?

Well, I like clean glasses, that's all.

He's got to be cold.

I know he's got to be cold.

It's just a question of telling him.

He's lived with us a long time, Jean.

Well, he's my brother, not one of our children.

Well, why don't I tell him tomorrow?

I mean, I don't want to sit up all night waiting for him to come in.

It's half past nine.

Oh.

Francis, some fish and chips?

What? Because if you do, I'll pop out now and get some.

You just... That meat pudding and free veg.

That's the door.

He's home.

Oh, he's gone straight upstairs.

We can't... Yes, we can.

Jacko! Hello?

Could we have a word?

Come on.

Only no peeking on the stairs, cos I've got your anniversary present and I

haven't wrapped it yet.

So what do you want to talk to me about?

Well... Well, we're moving.

Moving what?

Moving. Gina and I decided to move out a bit. Rye Gate, something like that.

I mean, sooner or later, we want all our kids, well, including this one, to have

rooms of their own.

Plus a bit of green, you know, a bit of room.

Ah.

Well, when was this decided then?

Well, we firmed up on it tonight, but, well, we have been talking about it for

quite a long time.

I haven't heard you.

Well, we have.

Has it occurred to you that I might not want to move to Reigate?

Well, has it?

Well, not really, no.

Well, it should have.

And no, it shouldn't, because you're not coming with us.

What?

Well, it's our future, isn't it?

Oh, I see.

I'm good enough for your past, but I'm not good enough for your future, is that

it? No, no, look, I mean, you living here with us, well, it... It just sort

happened, didn't it? We don't think of it as an ongoing, permanent arrangement.

I mean, we hadn't all planned to get old together in the same house. Well, this

is one out of the blue, isn't he?

What if I don't like the new people?

What new people?

What are the people you're selling the house to?

We're not selling it with you as the sitting tenant.

This gets worse.

Well, I mean, look at it from our point of view. We've got to sell the house

vacant, you know, to raise the money.

Well, how materialistic can you get?

Well, as materialistic as possible.

I mean, if we want to move to a bigger house, we need to raise as much cash as

we can.

Yeah, and with you up there... Good heavens, Jean, I'm not some mad

conducting weird experiments up there, am I? I don't know, sometimes.

Well, I'm not happy. I'm not happy about this at all. I'm settled in up there

now. Well, you would be. You've been living with us ever since we got

Oh, I see.

I've been an encumbrance all these years, have I? And suddenly you've

enough courage to tell me. Look, look, we're moving house.

We're not kicking you out.

Well, there's not much difference, is there?

Oh, do grow up. We're not your guardian.

I've looked out for this family all the years I've been here. Yeah, like the way

you let me cook your meals and do your laundry.

I unblocked the gutter last winter. He wouldn't get up there. How many times

have I been to that front door to tell various women that you're not in?

I gave you driving lessons.

Jim Parsons testily got a proper instructor, though, did he?

I've been very supportive of you two, and if you can't see that, well, I'm

very sorry for you, that's all.

We're not selling you into slavery.

We're just moving out.

All right, move out.

When do you want me out? Tonight? I didn't know you could be so childish.

Well, I didn't know you could be so self -centred.

I don't know. See you.

Here's your anniversary present. You'd better have it now, cos I might not be

with you on the day.

Good morning, Sandra.

Good morning, Mrs Benbridge. Anything interesting in the post?

Nothing special. It's on your desk. Oh, fine.

They love your dancing.

Who? The waiters at the Trattoria the other night.

Marcello and I had lunch there yesterday and they were all talking about you.

I didn't really dance, did I?

Oh, you danced.

My word, you danced.

You didn't tell me before.

I was resisting it.

I shouldn't have drunk so much wine.

You tell the waiters that. They thought you were wonderful.

I didn't do anything else, did I? Oh, no.

Thank goodness.

Except for the cookery demonstration.

I didn't. Yes. You insisted on showing the chef how to cook leek pie.

Only you didn't have any leeks, so you used carrots.

Oh, my God.

How did it turn out?

Oh, it never got cooked. Why?

A customer complained about the noise in the kitchen.

So you chucked it at him.

What's wrong?

It was very understanding for a chief constable.

It was like, why? Missus Bainbridge.

You did have a lovely time, though. Oh, yes, I did.

I only wish I could remember all of it.

Thanks for cheering me up.

Is life back in place now?

Yes. I think so.

It wouldn't have worked for me and Jimmy. I know that now.

So it's turn the page and start a new chapter.

Good for you.

I didn't really dance solo, did I? Oh, yes, you did.

The Tarantella on the tabletop.

Good morning,

boys. Answer your names when I call the register.

Next job, Sandra.

I'd like one on me own, if possible, please. Yeah, I wouldn't mind a solo job

either, Sandra.

What's the matter with you two?

There's nothing the matter with me.

There's nothing the matter with me.

Suit yourself.

No, you're working together.

That's the next job.

No, that one.

Was there any chance of me seeing that?

Certainly.

Oh, what emotion again?

Well, you'd hardly paint a ceiling red gloss, would you?

You had a row?

I'll get the paint.

Somebody had better.

What is the matter with you two?

There is nothing the matter with me, Sandra.

He... Do I get a hand, Kerry niece?

Yes, of course.

Thank you, Sandra.

Make sure you get somebody to take you across the road.

Why do they call Charlton athletic?

I mean, three nil.

It was a fair enough result, really. I'm sure it was.

So what did you want to moan to me about?

I haven't asked you out to moan to, Sandra.

Just invited you out for a quiet drink after work, that's all. Jacko, I've

you a long time. I know the difference.

I have not invited you out to moan to.

All right.

Miss Eric.

I would never have guessed.

And Jean.

Do you know what they've done?

No.

They're moving to Reigate.

Oh.

Well, they didn't even ask me whether I wanted to go.

And the capital bangos my flat because they want maximum money.

Oh.

Well? Well, it is their house.

I know it's their house, Sandra. What infuriates me is they made their

without including me in any way whatsoever.

Well, why should they?

It's none of your business, actually.

None of my business?

I've lived with them since they've been married.

You haven't been doing them a favour.

They've been doing you one.

I see.

I'm sorry, Jackal, but I just don't think you've got any reason to complain.

They have got a life of their own.

I just thought I was part of it, that's all.

Oh, be reasonable.

You can't expect a married couple to have... Can you drop the subject,

Oh, I see.

If I don't agree with you, then there's no point talking about it.

Yeah, that's about it, yes.

Oh, well, I might as well go home, then. All right, go on. See you tomorrow?

Yeah, see you tomorrow, Simon.

No point talking to her, mate. She's one of them.

One of what?

Women. They get everywhere.

Getting slung out the flat, eh?

Have you been here, Wiggy?

Yeah, and lucky for you, I have too, cos you have fallen on your feet.

Well, how do you work that out?

See this?

Oh, you got an idea, have you? A blockbuster.

It's not about your best seller, is it? No, no, I've elbowed that. Bloomin'

words get on your nerves.

So what's this idea, then?

Somewhere for you to live.

Moving with me upstairs.

I just had the other bedroom done out. You'd love it.

Not the one with the luminous man in the moon setting the headboards.

Oh, no.

Yours has got a plaster gargoyle at each corner which puffs out air freshener

in case you've forgotten to change your socks or anything.

Very gothic, that, Elmo.

You heard it.

I mean, it's the perfect set -up. We've always said to each other we'd lay waste

to the crumpet round here.

Got you now, son.

Well, no, there was an unspoken understanding between us.

Anyway, this lame waste of all the crumpet. I thought you was off women.

I am. I'm cynical about them now.

Now you've lost me, Elmo.

Mind you, you do that very often.

Here's the plan.

We get the women upstairs to our bachelor pad and then we humiliate them.

What have you got in mind, Elmo?

Well, for instance, we say...

would you like a glass of white wine? And they say, yes, please. And then we

say, well, we haven't got any.

And do we cackle nastily when we've said it?

Of course we do. There's hundreds of things we could do to bring them down a

or two.

Yeah.

Soap in the bathroom that turns their faces green.

Rubber spiders.

Great. And it's... floating cigars in their face. Brilliant!

You see, we're on the same wavelength, Jacko. No, you're on a different level

me, Elmo.

You see, I haven't got that inner raging torment that you've got inside you.

Well, I can see that.

Mind you, I could always humiliate women in my room while you do what you like

in yours.

Move in anyway.

I mean, if you're stuck for a place to stay, it's a genuine offer. I wouldn't

charge you nothing.

That's very nice of you, mate. Very nice. But it's such a big idea that I'm

going to have to think about it, I'm afraid.

Fair enough.

But the offer's there.

What time do you call this?

The time I'm supposed to start work.

Oh. Have another, please, Leslie.

Yes, all right.

Here, Leslie.

What? Would you like a glass of white wine?

No, thank you.

Oh, jeez.

There you are.

What's the long face for?

I'm fed up.

What have you got to be fed up about?

Eric and Jean, they're moving.

I'm going to be homeless.

Oh, is that all?

Is that all?

Mummy's idea of a living lover's a pervert.

I sometimes wonder what planet you're from, Leslie.

What would you call a man who sneaks into the bathroom when I'm having a

He does what?

Well, he did this morning anyway.

And then what did he do?

He said, I'm sorry, and went out.

Oh, I presume he picked the lock before he entered, Leslie.

No, I'd forgotten to lock the door as it happened.

You're going off your trolley as far as Marcello's concerned.

No, I can see what he's got in mind.

Not content with Mummy, he's after me as well.

You... You haven't said anything.

Perhaps I can't believe.

What you just said.

Then I will say it again.

I love you, Veronica.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Marry me.

I'd love to.

Yes! And we're going to live in Sicily.

Veronica loves the idea.

Leslie. Ah, I'll be honest with you, Vincente.

To have her living with us would not make my life a bowl of peeps.

But she is Veronica's daughter.

Of course she's not a child.

Far from it.

No, no. Whatever you say, I'm going to ask Leslie if she wants to come to

Sicily.

Okay, Vincente.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Happy? I'm the happiest man in the world.

Ciao. You degenerate.

Mummy!

Quickly! He intends to ask me to go to Sicily with him. That's what's the

matter. He is being very considerate.

What?

Leslie, your mama and I have got to be married.

Married? And we're going to live in Sicily. Now, common sense not

thought it only fair to ask you if you wanted to come as well.

That's what I was telling my brother on the phone.

Well, you've done it now, Mummy. If you won't listen to common sense, just get

on with it. I knew you'd smile and kiss us both.

Do I take it you don't want to live with us?

I'm going to find Daddy's photograph.

I wonder why we're not too displeased, my child.

Do you know what Veronica wants to see us about, Sandra?

No, I don't know. She just said she did.

Well, I hope she doesn't keep us waiting too long. I want to get home to Jean.

Will you be going to antenatal classes with her?

No, I don't think so.

We've done it twice before.

We're getting pretty practised.

Yeah, a lot of things.

All right.

What have you got me down as this time? A slum landlord?

I've never described your house as a slum. I always thought it was a lovely

house. you're not still going on about it, are you? I'm not going on about

anything, Sandra.

I am resigned.

I've outworn me welcome.

I've been stabbed in the back and there's nothing more to be said, is

Except you won't shut up about it.

It's not as though you're going to have to live in a dog kennel, is it? You can

afford to rent yourself a flat.

I know that.

I'm just too sentimental, that's my problem.

I think about all the good times we've had at that house and how in the end

they've counted for nothing, that's all. Look, Jacko, I've agonised about having

to tell you.

Do you think I don't remember all the good times?

I remember the first Christmas we had there.

Fiver we had in the kitty.

Didn't run to much, but we still had a good Christmas.

Yeah, we did.

One of the best.

Look, you can come and stay with us sometimes at Reigate.

I mean, there'll be other good times. Eric, you carry on like this and you'll

begging him to come and live with you.

No, I won't.

No, no, it's not an invitation to live with us.

Oh, well, I wouldn't accept it if it was. Well, it isn't.

Sorry to keep you waiting. Will you come in?

Sit yourselves down.

I've been trying to think of a way of saying this all day. It's awkward.

Well, go on, then.

Marcello has asked me to marry him, and I've said yes.

Oh, that's terrific news, Veronica.

Oh, please be, Mrs Bainbridge. Congratulations, Mrs Bainbridge.

Are you going to be hyphenated?

Well, Mirella Bainbridge or Bainbridge Mirella? Don't be daft. Oh, I love

weddings. When they occur.

You'll love married life, Mrs Bainbridge. I love this married life.

You'll have to start writing the invitations. He's got thousands of

You'll have to book the Albert Hall for the reception.

Oh.

What? Well...

We're not going to be married here.

We're going to be married in Sicily.

Because that's where we're going to live.

Which is why I knew this was going to be awkward.

You see, it means I'm going to sell the business.

Over here, by the window.

The toilet don't work, so you can't use it.

We don't want to.

Oh. May we have two glasses of white wine, please?

We haven't got any white wine.

In a wine bar?

There's bottles of it back there.

Well, you're not having it.

Right. We'll go somewhere else.

You can have a cigar if you want.

You should ease up on the pressure salesmanship as well.

They didn't stay long.

I slung them out.

Why? But I can spot trouble, mate. There's a mile off.

You're losing your grasp on reality.

I'm not.

Leslie. What?

Would you like a glass of white wine?

That's the symptom. You've been asking me all day whether I'd like a glass of

white wine. Why?

Can't you find light?

All right, yes, I'd like a glass of white wine.

Well, you can't have one, cos I haven't got any.

Glass of white wine, Sandra.

No, thanks.

Gin and tonic, please.

Oh.

Glass of white wine, Jacko. Elmo, it won't work on me. I'm a bloke.

Half a lot.

Oh, chisel all round.

What's white wine supposed to do to women all of a sudden?

Elmo heard someone say that Rhino Horn was an aphrodisiac and he thinks it's a

German hawk.

We were talking about anybody but Elmo. I wouldn't believe that.

So what are you going to do then, Sandra?

I'm not about to dance the Tarantella.

No, you were good.

Thank you.

Job centre, I suppose.

At least you got a home.

Oh, yes, it's worth for you, isn't it? No home, no job.

Could always sleep on your couch.

No, you couldn't.

Here you are.

I suppose you've heard the news about Mummy and Topper Gigio.

Yes, thrilled for them, Leslie.

I find the whole idea nauseating.

You'll be a lovely bridesmaid, Leslie.

If they... Think they're dragging me to some crumbling church in Sicily full of

oversexed altar boys. They've got another thing coming.

Now I was thinking about your smile in the wedding photographs.

Yes, all right, be sarcastic. You don't know what I'm going through.

Oh, you're talking to the wrong people, Leslie. It's real life for us.

We've just found out we're soon going to be out of a job.

What do you mean?

Didn't your mum tell you she's selling the business?

She's doing what?

I wasn't even consulted.

People aren't always consulted in life, Leslie. I know that by experience.

Well, did she mention the house?

No. Oh, my God.

She's going to sell the house as well.

I'll have nowhere to live.

Three of us had better apply to an orphanage.

I like that job.

Maybe if I hadn't liked the job so much, I wouldn't have had so many second

thoughts about Jimmy.

Or going back to Geordie Land.

If I have to start all over again...

We could form a high wire act.

I think I'll go home.

Oh, don't, Sandra. Come on, let's have another drink, cheer each other up. No.

want to get the evening paper and start looking in situations vacant.

You'd do well to do the same thing. I will, I will.

See you in the morning.

See you, Sandra.

Leslie just told me about Veronica selling a business.

Well, it's like another bit of masonry falling on your head, isn't it?

Well, you could put it that way, Elmo, yes.

But I am sitting here.

Well, you come out with some very profound truth at times, you do. I know.

But you telling me that you're sitting there when I can see you're sitting

isn't one of them. Well, it is, because my offer of living accommodation, but

she, still stands.

That's very nice, Elmo, but we're not the same bloke.

Well, of course not. It's two of us.

Same type, then.

Well, how are we different?

We just are.

Look, I'll give up being cynical with women, if you like.

Those people work anyway.

Money, now there's a difference.

See, I'll be sponging off you, and nothing's guaranteed to ruin a

quicker than that.

All right, you pay me rent.

I'm about to lose me job. I know, but you could work here.

I can't see myself in a pink dress, Elmo.

No, not as a waitress. You could have a pink suit like mine. You could be my

major domino.

Leslie will be out the door in ten seconds flat and she's far more used to

in here than I'll ever be.

Well, I suppose you're right.

Still, something will turn up.

I bet there's a lot of people at Bainbridge who's hoping something will

isn't there?

I suppose there is.

Well, you know who I feel the sorries for, don't you?

Very nice of you, Elmo.

No, not you, Eric.

Why, Eric?

Oh, he's moving.

I mean, how can you take on a bigger mortgage when you lost your job?

That's true.

Here, Elmo, I'd better go home.

It's nothing I've said, is it? Well, it is, but I love you for it.

Oh, shut up!

That will melt.

I know.

Poor Eric, eh?

Poor Jacko, eh? Poor Sandra, eh?

Poor anybody else.

Who? Me.

They're just losing their jobs. I'm losing a home.

And I'm not the sort of person who can live just anywhere.

No, no...

Let me put this briefly.

Um, Plutonic.

What? Well, there was a Greek bloke called Pluto, you see.

Plato. All right, Platonic.

Platonic. Well, he ought to have been called Plato, then.

What about him? Well, he had this idea, see, whereby he reckons that it is

possible for a man and woman of the opposite sex to live together without

funny business taking place.

Are you daring to think what I think you're thinking?

You said you were going to be homeless and we could be plutonic.

Unless, who knows, nature takes its course.

I shall knee you in the groin because I can only assume that you're temporarily

unhinged. You're too lardy, darling. That's your trouble.

Oh, have a glass of white wine.

Well, there's not a lot in here, really.

Well, keep looking.

I've got to get a job of some sort.

I can't see any painters wanted.

Well, I don't necessarily have to be a painter.

I've sometimes thought that I'm not really using my qualifications.

You won't go far with your swimming certificate.

I know.

Leisure centres are all the rage these days.

Swimming instructor.

You can only do a length.

Well, that's what they asked me to do.

No, no, I was thinking more of my old levels.

English and biology.

I've always had a yen to work at the Natural History Museum.

If you'd have gone there straight from school, you might have been some

professor's assistant by now.

But turning up at your age with two O -levels... Yeah, I'd be lucky if they

me dust the dinosaurs.

Same for me English. I mean, they're hardly going to offer me some sort of

fellowship, are they?

No. Do you know, I wish I'd kept up with the modelling.

When were you ever a model?

No, no, model modelling.

Could have had my own shop by now.

I think it's time we came back down to earth.

What about those jobs where you work from home?

You see plenty of them over time.

Of course you do. That's because nobody wants them. You lick three million

envelopes for 38p and end up with no saliva and a swollen tongue.

Are those for me?

Yes. I don't want them.

I was going to say sorry as well.

I've acted like a self -centred bird.

Oh, come here, you.

Where's my flowers, then?

Sorry, Eric.

No, that's all right.

You had a right to be upset.

No, he didn't.

No, I didn't. Just nice to be mates again, isn't it? Yeah, it is.

Hey, let's go out for a meal.

Eric, you're about to become unemployed.

Oh, yeah.

I feel rotten for the both of you.

Couldn't have come at a worse time, could it?

No, it couldn't.

Must be desperately disappointed.

Set your heart on moving and now it's out of the question, isn't it?

No, it isn't.

What? We're still moving.

But you can't now.

Because we're not backing down from a decision that we've made.

It's right for us and it's right for our children.

So whatever it takes, I'll get a job of some sort.

I'll go mini -cabin at night if I have to, but we're moving out to a bigger

house. And that is that.

And that is why I turned Ronnie Pickles down.

Oh. So what are you going to do, Jacko?

Ah, I've got plans.

Oh, good for you, mate. What are they?

Well... He hasn't.

Well, they're not detailed, but... You stay bound to turn up and I'll clip you

round the ear.

All right, I'll do it.

Do what?

I'll get myself a job and find somewhere to rent.

No, no, renting's dead money. Bricks and mortar of your own, that's capital.

Are you turning into the Chancellor of the Exchequer? That's a common thing.

Quite right.

Buy yourself a place.

You've earned good money at Bainbridge's.

You've got the building society account Mum and Dad opened for each of us when

we were kids.

Yeah.

Well?

You have still got it?

Yeah.

Well, they kicked us off with ten pounds, didn't they?

What have you got in there now?

Ten pounds.

Plus interest.

Oh, well, that solves everything, doesn't it? Pop out tomorrow and buy

Kensington Palace.

I've got a lot of overhead.

And they all wear eye eels.

I don't know. When are we ever going to get you on a firm footing?

Look, I'm not the fly -by -night that you take me for.

I may not show it, but it's a very serious side to me.

Has it saved any money?

No. So what are you going to do?

I know what I'm going to do.

What?

Let's all go out for a meal.

Because it's true.

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