Original subtitles

All thanks to you, these things I do,

because of you,

because of you.

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Well, that's your trouble,

see? You just dismissed things out of hand.

No, no, it's well documented.

Two lagers, please, Leslie.

No, there's a surprise.

Well documented where?

Well, there have been articles in newspapers.

Some people do anything for a bit of fame. No, no, that's too broad a

You are seriously telling me that people have been taken aboard alien

spacecraft, questioned, and then returned to Earth?

Well, I'm saying it's possible.

Two lagers.

Do you believe in aliens, Leslie?

Yes, I do. I work for one.

There's a woman in Maidstone.

There's lots of women in Maidstone.

There's a woman in Maidstone who claims that she was beamed aboard this flying

saucer in a shaft of purple light.

She's come out of the pub, presumably.

No, no.

She was hanging up a washing in the back garden.

Oh! And they have... They've been to report the spacecraft to ask her if she

using dazzle perfume.

Ah, well, she can't remember what she was asked.

Well, I bet she can't.

Because, because she says that they put her in a sort of trance and then

attached these electrodes to her head.

How would she know if she was in a trance?

Well, I can't remember which came first, the trance or the electrodes.

Anyway, that's not the point.

Well, what is the point, then?

The point is that even now, some superior intelligence out there is

gathering information as to how mankind functions.

And they chose a woman from Maidstone?

Yeah.

Hanging out her washing?

Yeah.

Come back purple, did she?

I'll tell you what is interesting.

She says that when she came to, she was still hanging out her washing and no

time had elapsed.

Did anyone see her go? And her wart was gone.

The wart? Yep. Her husband sweared that when he went to work that morning, the

wart was there.

But when it came on, it had completely disappeared.

Well, that's very reassuring, that is, Eric.

Knowing that there are superior beings whizzing about the cosmos, curing people

with warts.

All right.

There was a farmer in Nebraska.

And he claimed that after a similar experience, he can now speak Venusian.

who is there to prove him wrong? I suppose.

Can I help you, Elmo? No, no, just carry on.

I mean, until they produced an English -speaking Venusian diction... Elmo, it

common courtesy to ask people's permission before you start filming

have your permission to film, yeah? No.

Oh, shizzle, Jack. I've only just got it.

Well, go and play with it somewhere else.

New Mexico.

Now, that's another case.

And this time, it wasn't just one person. It was an entire busload.

Did they all have warts?

No, they didn't. But when they came back, every single one of them could

an electric light bulb just by sticking it in his ear.

One of the more comfortable orifices of the body, I suppose.

What do they do now? Do they hire themselves out when there's power cuts?

You don't believe any of this, do you? Do you?

Well, I'm keeping an open mind.

Vacant might be a better word.

The next thing you'll be saying...

Elmer, what are you doing?

Well, I've got to film somebody, haven't I? Well, film Leslie.

Yeah, of course. The glamour stuff.

Turn around, Leslie, and give me your full frontal.

I beg your pardon?

You'll immortalise you. Oh, no, you're not.

You could have given me claustrophobia, then. You come near me with that thing

again and I'll give you a smack camera.

The big case is in China. That was in the paper.

And South America.

I might just as well chuck it in a dustbin. Go outside and film something.

Or he did that coming home from a shot with it.

I know. Do it to tap dance, Eric. No. No, no, no, he doesn't do that unless

drunk. I'll pay for the booze. No.

Look, I'm going home for lunch.

Well, let me film you going out through the door, then. No.

Look, I'll see you later.

Ah, that is, unless you've been sucked up by some alien spacecraft.

Well,

what can I film, then?

The zoo's always a good idea.

No, every time I go up there, the animals just chuck things at me.

Well, why don't you open up your lovely wardrobe and film all your lovely

clothes? This is a movie camera.

Clothes just... just hang there.

Yeah, well, they would do without you in them, wouldn't they?

Talk about taking the guilt off my gingerbread.

Well, I didn't tell you to buy the thing.

I never said you did, but you haven't suggested anything I can do with it,

you? Well, if you keep on, Elmo, I will.

And these spare cassettes I've bought for it as well.

I know. What?

A promotional video.

Great. What's that?

Well, I've got my little video about Elmo Putney's wine bar.

Brilliant.

What are you doing?

I'm filming me walls.

No, Elmo, all that proves is you've got pink walls.

Well, I have.

I know, but you need people.

Happy, smiling faces.

Customers saying what a great place it is.

You know, cheerful, bustling staff.

You want people to be saying, Elmo Putney's Wine Bar is the only place in

worth going to. I love it, I love it.

No, I don't. Now what's the matter? Well, who'd be in it?

All your friends?

Eric wouldn't even let me film him going out the door.

They'll be lining up to be in it.

How do you know?

Just leave it to me.

Well, you can count me out.

Yeah, yeah, I thought I could.

Hello, mate.

Hi, Jackal.

Reduce circumstances.

No, it's just that eating lunch at the Savoy Grill every day, well, it gets a

bit samey, doesn't it?

Do you want a bit of pie?

No, thanks.

Can I have one of your sandwiches?

But you've got a pie.

I know, but your sandwiches look nicer.

Help yourself.

Only one?

You're telling me.

Oh, they're very nice, aren't they?

Wouldn't you like to make me a packed lunch every day, would you?

No, I wouldn't. No, I didn't think you would.

Here, have you heard?

Elmo's bought himself a video camera.

He's like a child, isn't he? He gets himself a new toy, plays with it for

minutes, then chucks it in the toy cupboard and forgets he ever had it.

He gave his electronic keyboard away, you know.

I didn't know he'd bought one.

Oh, yeah, he only had it a day.

He wired it up, blew himself across the living room and said it'd put him off

music forever.

More money than sense.

He's got more everything than sense, Elmo.

Mind you, I'm going to make sure he does something really sensible with his

video camera.

Get his money back, you mean?

No, we're going to make a promotional video of Elmo Putney's wine bar.

Everyone wants to be in it, you know.

Well, I don't.

Leslie said you'd say something like that.

Leslie?

Yeah.

Yeah, we were chatting about it and she said you probably wouldn't. What? You

were talking about me?

Well, not specifically you, no.

No, just discussing who wanted to be in it, you see.

And she said that she didn't think you would. What exactly did she say?

Well, I can't remember exact words, Sandra. It's something to do with you

straight lake, I think she said.

She actually said I was straight lake.

I said I can't remember the exact words.

Might have been po -faced.

Oh, that's rich coming from her.

She goes round with her face as long as a fortnight most of the time.

Look, I don't want to be drawn into a row.

Does Elmore want me to be in it?

Yes, I mean, he'd like you to be, but... But what?

Well, after what Leslie said about you being a killjoy, I don't... Strictly!

Horpy! Killjoy?

As a matter of fact, I'd like to be in it. Would you? Yeah.

Well, that's terrific.

Can I have another one of your sandwiches?

You can't. Eat your pie.

Well, it's got a soggy look.

Ah, there's a domestic little scene.

Hello, Governor.

Working lunch.

Just discussing what the Channel Tunnel will mean to Bainbridge's.

All right. What will it mean?

Well, we could ask if we could paint it.

Your pie looks a bit soggy.

Yeah, I know.

I want one of Sandra's sandwiches, but she won't let me have one.

He's already had one.

Well, don't let him get at your cake.

Have you got five minutes?

Have you?

Yeah, I'm still on my lunch break.

In that case, I've got five minutes.

And leave my pie alone.

Sit down, Joker.

Ta.

Can you take criticism, Veronica?

As long as it's nothing to do with my poor old ravaged body.

No, no, no, no. It's about the company, Bainbridge's.

See, I don't think you're advertising properly.

We take a regular ad in the local paper.

Yeah, but do you know where it was this week?

In the local paper?

Yeah. But sandwiched between a cure for baldness and a sale of ex -Naval

officers' woolly comms. We're only a local firm, Jacko. Yes, I know,

But when people want any painting done, they should think of us.

You think painting, you think Bainbridge's.

Think painting, think Bainbridge's.

Think painting, think Bainbridge's. What do you suggest I do, go round the

streets with a megaphone shouting that?

No, a promotional video.

Now that is a very good idea.

I'm not just a body.

Mind you, it'd cost the earth a thing like that.

Absolutely free.

What's attached?

Well, there isn't one.

Except that I'd insist you wore something that made your blue eyes even

impossibly blue than what they are.

What's the catch?

There isn't one, Veronica.

Elmo's got this video camera. Stop right there.

Now, that is not a fair hearing. You mentioned Elmo. That's a perfectly fair

hearing. These cameras today, they're almost idiot -proof. They are today.

I wouldn't let you be seen in an unflattering light.

I mean, not that that would be possible with cheekbones like yours.

Now, look, just... Aren't you forgetting something?

If you want to come round and perch on the edge of the desk with your legs

crossed, well, that's all right by me.

I mean, why on earth should Elmo want to do a promotional video for

Bainbridge's? He doesn't.

He's doing it for his wine bar.

Shall we start again?

But me, as a loyal employee, will insist we get in a bit where, while you're

saying... I always drink at Elmo Putney's wine bar. You're really showing

human face of Bainbridge's.

And this is going to pull in all those extra catamars, is it?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

You'd be amazed.

Oh, people would say, I really like her.

She's honest.

Yes, every time I picked the phone up, I'd know I was speaking to a human

I'm not sure I could pull it off.

Of course you could.

And if I didn't like the result?

Total veto.

I suppose I've got nothing to lose, then.

Well, none of us have.

That is, of course, unless you get snapped up by Hollywood.

Clear off.

No, we're going to do this properly.

You'll be good.

We'll have some nice, smiling customers sitting there drinking their wine,

saying how much they like the place.

You know, recommending it generally.

What, Elmo's?

Well, it is video.

They don't have to tell the truth, do they?

Who are these customers, then?

Just regular customers.

We don't have any regular customers.

Yeah, well, I know that. You know that. But the people in the video don't, do

they? No, we get some faces in.

People like Kev. You know, the bodybuilder.

Snappy dresser.

And his girlfriend, Pat.

Now, she's tall and elegant.

And they look like wine bar people, see.

We go there a lot.

Yeah, I know you do.

Well, did our names come up?

No, I don't think so, no.

Well, why not?

Well, I don't know.

So he's getting in a load of strangers, is he?

It's only a video.

Yeah. And people who actually go there and put up with him aren't allowed to be

in it. Because we're not wine bar people.

Yeah.

I bet if he was making a video of some greasy cafe, he'd think we were dead

suitable.

Well, don't get shirty.

Oh, surety. And I'll tell you something else.

If Cecil B. de Putney wants people to actually speak in this video, he'd do

to consider people with some theatrical experience.

Would you know anything?

Yes. Uh... Oh, who was it?

In case you've forgotten, Eric and I appeared in the local dramatic society's

production of The Student Prince.

And actually, we had quite weighty parts.

Not the leads, admittedly, but quite weighty parts.

I don't remember seeing this.

Well, you didn't turn up. You were going out with those Yugoslavian twins, if

you remember.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

And without wishing to boast, it's true to say that our performances were very

well received.

Well, why didn't you do any more plays for them?

Well, we were very busy with the house.

Oh.

Well, I wouldn't turn up in a headscarf, you know, and a crossover pinny.

I'm sorry, Jean, but why are you telling me this?

Because that is what part of all this is about, isn't it?

Even in some tin -pot video, they have to have so -called glamorous people.

Yeah, never ordinary people.

They're not that ordinary, Eric.

No, no, well, normal, then.

Well, this is a revelation to me, this is.

Do you know I never thought you'd be interested?

Yeah, well, we'd just like to have been asked.

Yeah. Right, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to go straight round to Elmo's and I'm going to tell him, unless

you're in it, I want nothing to do with it.

I wish I hadn't fallen off that stage, Eric. I really do.

It wasn't your fault, Jean.

You carried on, though.

You still said your lines.

Shame I couldn't have gotten back on the stage.

That was just before I knocked the leading lady's hat off, wasn't it?

I don't know.

We were terrible, weren't we?

Really terrible.

What do you think, Sandra?

Oh, I think you look great, Mrs Beambridge. Very smart.

You mean severe, don't you? I look like a man?

No, you don't.

Bosh, you look terrific.

Butch? You mean I look butch?

Veronica, you couldn't look butch in a suit of armour. It's only nerve.

What's to be nervous about? You're going to be great.

Come on, Elmo.

Ow!

You ladder!

Well, you're going to eat your head on a lot of things if you keep walking

around with that glute to your eye. I'm getting a feel of it, aren't I?

Will you open still, please? I've gone off the idea.

Now, stop panicking. Get behind your desk and look radiant. Come on.

And moral support.

And I need it. No, you won't. You'll be marvellous.

Now then, Elmo, where's he gone now?

Oh!

He's hit his head again. He's a death trap, that paint store.

Veronica's desk is not the paint store, is it? I just wanted some atmosphere.

If you don't get on with it, you'll have an atmosphere without me in it. I'm

sorry, Veronica. Right, here we go then. Go on then.

Action!

Say something, eh?

Erica, have you worked out what you want to say?

Yes, I have, more or less. I went blank.

Hello, my name is Veronica Bainbridge.

No, it's not.

What is Bainbridge going to say?

Oh, yes, so it was.

All right, then, Erica. Yes, yes, I think so.

Action!

But he still says she won't be in it.

Well, what do you think she's all dressed up for?

Hello, Leslie.

You look ravishing.

Thank you.

Do you think you can handle it? Handle what?

The exposure.

Well, if you think I'm taking my clothes off.

No, you're starring in the video, I mean.

Well, I'm not calling for that sort of line.

Well, let's put it this way.

If this video turns out to be wonderful, and it will, can you handle not being

in it?

Well, of course not.

If only you were honest all the time, Leslie.

I wouldn't be me, would I?

Hi, though. A briber.

There's no need.

I'm not doing anything ridiculous.

How can walking through the door be ridiculous, Sandra?

You look terrific.

Certainly not straightly.

Here come the others. They're rolling in now.

Wine bar is enough for you, Elmo?

Yeah, you look brill.

Yeah, well, I'm just sorry Eric's not a bodybuilder, that's all.

Come as you are, I said.

Well, yeah.

That's your funeral suit. It's a suit I happened to put on.

I can happen to put a suit on, I suppose.

Right,

right, shut up, everybody, and listen to me.

Oi, oi, oi, this is an artistic gathering.

Not that it has the commons.

Sorry, but I'm ready to feed, aren't I? Well, you'd better tell us what you want

us to do first.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um... Look, let's sit down and talk about it first. I think you should

start with me at the bar.

Oh, why?

Well, it's a video about the wine bar. It might be a good idea to have some

drinks on the table.

Oh, right.

I'll have a gin and tonic, please. I'd like a cocktail.

A Manhattan would look nice, wouldn't it?

Half a lager, Ledley. Eric?

Vodka and orange, please.

You don't drink vodka and orange.

I'll have a tiny nicely with a soup, won't I?

Well, it'll take me days. to mix that lot.

Well, I'll tell you what. Look, start with us while Leslie's mixing the

Right. Now, we can start by saying things like... This is the place where

wine bar people come. Yeah.

If you're not in Elmore's wine bar, then you're not in. That's it.

Two hours we queued to get in here, but it was worth it. See, now we're buzzing.

That's it.

If you had to queue, where are all the other people?

And am I just mixing drinks all this time?

Sorry, Emily.

I haven't started, have you?

No, no, no, no. We were just discussing what we were going to do.

What about me coming in?

It's always nice to have somebody coming in.

Right. Veronica comes in.

You have to go up first, sir. Oh, really?

Yes, and I can open the door.

You're dressed up.

Well, so are you.

I think we should all come in.

Wait, wait, wait. This will be like a rugby scrum. I know.

Let's all have a drink and a think.

We don't want this to look like we just made it up, do we? Now, there speaks a

real artistic director.

We'll work out what we're going to say. Plan it. Run as smooth as silk. You

watch. Right.

Come on, then, Elmo.

I've got all nervous now.

Stick it in. Let's see how we did.

Here's the tray.

And my firm is the one you should come to for first -class result.

Putney's Wine Bar.

It's always packed.

Just look at it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm zooming in.

Oh, there's a seat.

Oh, there's a seat with some friends of mine.

This is a great place to meet friends, by the way.

Oh, look.

Isn't that Jacko who's just come in?

Hi, Sandra.

Hi, Jacko.

Hello, Jacko.

Hello, Jacko.

Why, look.

Veronica Bainbridge of Bainbridge's Painters and Decorators has just

As usual, it's just a question of finding a table. Cheers. Cheers.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening, Nedley.

Five white wine.

The best house wine in town.

Look at the camera.

And that's just a flavour of the only place you want to be.

A toast to... Elmo.

Putney's. Wine.

Bar.

Bar.

South America.

A thousand copies.

Elmo's going to make a thousand copies.

There'll be a laughing stock throughout the civilized world.

We'll be shown at office parties.

My children might see it one day.

Don't deny we're their parents.

What if we threaten to sue Elmo if he releases it?

We haven't got a leg to stand on. We volunteered.

We were conned into volunteering, as we've all found out.

There he is.

In here, you.

Oh, you sounded like Lionel, didn't you?

Evening all. Don't you evening all us, you snake in the grass, you.

Just a minute, Jean.

Promotional video.

All that promotes is the idea that we're a load of loonies. It would be great. I

thought you kept it.

All we lacked were custard pies in our faces. A life of shame, that's what

you've landed us with. Look, will you shut up a minute now, then?

All right, I got carried away.

It was a bad idea that seemed like a good idea at the time. Like suicide.

Oh, come on, be fair.

It wasn't all Jacko's fault.

Well, we weren't forced into it.

She had vanity took over.

Well, thank you, Sandra.

Mind you, 99 % of it was your fault. Yeah.

So what are you going to do about it? Well, if I can get a word in edgewise,

I'll tell you.

I've persuaded Elmo to remake the video.

Oh, don't be silly.

Just a minute. Not with us in it. Not with us in it. Just with him in it. See,

pointed out to him that he did a video of Elmo putting his wine bar and the

person not in it was Elmo.

No, he wasn't.

So this time, it's just going to be Elmo.

Well, how can it be in it and hold a camera?

It'd be like bowling a ball and then tearing down the other end to try and

it. I'm going to hold the camera.

He'll look even sillier than we did.

No, no, no, no. I've persuaded him to write a proper script.

Unlike us, you know, making it up, he's going to do all the proper lines.

Elmo? Yeah, well, I know it's not the lightliest thing in the world, but,

it gets us off the hook, doesn't it? And puts Elmo on it.

Yeah, you manipulated us into making fools of ourselves, Jacko. Now you've

talked Elmo into doing the same thing.

Well, it is only Elmo, isn't it?

Hello, mate. Come in, come in. Look,

Elmo, I've steered you all wrong about this video business.

Oh, that's out the window, mate.

Well, aren't you going to make it, then? No, something major's come up. What?

Me, that's what.

Write yourself a proper script, you said.

Well, so I did, yeah.

So I did.

And then I discovered something uncanny. I discovered I'm a natural writer.

I can't spell very well, but, oh, boy, when I get going, can I write?

Well, why aren't you doing the script for the video?

Tuck me, ain't this stuff?

I'll switch to a bestseller.

This is all a bit early in the morning for me, Elmo.

Not for me, it isn't. All night I was, I thought a pencil had catched fire.

Do you want to read it?

Well, I'd like to, but I must get to work.

Oh, please, Jacko.

Oh, go on.

Oh.

Up all night, you said?

Yeah, yeah. Go on, read it to me, cos I've only heard it in my voice so far.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't.

Elmo Putney's Adventures in Australia, where he found opals and had adventures.

Good title, innit?

Very snappy, very snappy.

Anyway, I got off the boat with my dog Derek, and there I was in Australia.

Anyway, we walked up this street... It was jolly hot, so I took my coat off.

Then we walked up this other street.

Then I took my tie off.

Anyway, then we came to this bar and we went in. I thought I might put entered

there. Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea, that.

Anyway, we went in and entered.

And I had nothing but ten beers.

Then I felt homesick and had a few more beers.

Then I passed out.

So, what do you reckon?

Well, I can honestly say, Elmo, I've never read a book like it.

Me, though, isn't it?

Oh, it's certainly you, Elmo.

Yeah. Right, well, I must get off to work.

There's just one snag as I see it. The film.

What film?

Well, the film with the book.

They always make the film of bestsellers. Oh, yes, so they do.

So what's the snag?

Well, who plays me?

I'll tell you one thing, Elmo.

You'd have to be a remarkable actor.

Because of you.