Original subtitles

All thanks to you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Who

apologised

first, you or Jane?

There was no need for an apology.

It was only a discussion.

Discussion? I was surprised to see you both alive this morning.

The trouble with you, Jacko, is you simply don't understand married life.

That's why I don't look as haggard as you.

My boy Bill, he'll be tall and as tough as a tree.

What are you doing?

I'm keeping count of the number of times you've sung that bloody song since Jean

told you she was pregnant.

So far... It's 367 times. It is not.

I wonder what he'll think of me.

I get to call me the old man.

Shut up!

Hey, Dave.

What if it's a girl?

At this rate, she'd be fatherless.

Pull him over there.

What for? I want to buy some.

Go on, then. Off you go.

Aw, thanks ever so much, Jacko. That's really thoughtful.

That's all right. You won't call him Lionel II, will you?

It's a girl.

How do you know?

She told me.

Cup of tea?

Yeah, that'd be lovely.

Well, now I've ingratiated myself.

Fancy coming out to dinner tonight?

Oh, sorry, I can't.

I'm training.

Well, you can't lift huge weights with that bad hand.

Football.

Oh. Well, go on then, laugh.

Women playing football, almost as funny as watching ducks landing on frozen

lakes.

No, I think it's terrific. I love football.

I support Charlton.

I thought you said you love football.

Do you play for a proper team?

Yeah, of course I do.

Sunday mornings, Mocksburg Park, Mosquitoes.

I bet you're the striker.

I got 36 goals last season.

Did you?

I suppose your team's got a physio already, has it?

Yes.

And she's fully qualified.

Worth a try.

How long did your training go on for?

Well, we like to get at least a good couple of hours in.

Very professional.

I'll take you for a drink after that, shall I?

Oh, um, well, that's not really a very good idea.

I think you like that budgie more than me.

No.

It's just that we usually all have a drink together after training, you see.

Well, I won't be distracted.

I'll only have eyes for you.

It's not that.

Well, what is it, then?

Well, did you ever play football?

Yeah. The animal they used to call me.

Well, when your team was all together, go on, be honest, you didn't exactly

encourage wives and girlfriends along, now, did you?

No, I suppose not.

Vice versa?

Good Lord.

Well, I'll just have to stay at home and do me knitting, I suppose.

Hello, mate.

On your own.

Oh, you know Helga, don't you?

You still brooding over Paulette?

Who? I don't remember any Paulette.

You slung her out a week ago.

Oh, her.

She's turned you into a misogynist, she has. No, she hasn't. As a matter of

fact, I was interested in pot plants before I met her.

Now, you mark my words, you're better off sitting here without a woman, Jacko.

Am I?

Oh, yeah. Be all right for the moment.

Sitting with you, skirt up to her armpits, eyelashes fluttering.

Yeah, that would be quite nice.

But, but, all the time, she's waiting for you to drop your guard so that she

turn you into me.

Is she a conjurer?

Break your heart, I mean.

Now you're better off on your own. Thank you.

Why are you on your own?

Ah.

Sir, sir, you've enhanced my establishment again.

Priceless as ever, Elmo.

That's understood between us, sir. Not a penny piece do you pay in here.

Hello, Elmo.

Good evening, Madam Smythe.

Let me show you two things.

Leslie.

Leslie.

She must have gone a bit deaf.

Hello, Jacko.

Hello, Gloria.

How's life?

Dependent.

On your own?

Yeah, yeah.

Hello, Charles. How super to see you again. We were hoping we might catch

Well, what brings you up here, then? You going to buy London?

I wish I could think of quips like that.

No, actually, we just popped up to town for a couple of days to do a spot of

shopping. I need a shooting stick and a new dickie.

And Gloria needs some fresh dogs, too.

Oh, Charles, I do wish you'd stop buying me things.

Well, what are we all going to have to drink?

Wait, it's a question of attracting attention, Charles.

Shot!

Well,

are you finally ready to order?

Oh, you've got yourself a job, Leslie.

Good show.

Bottle of champagne, please.

Certainly.

It's so lovely to see the old smiling faces again, isn't it?

Yes, shame a few more of the old crowd aren't in. We could have had a spot of a

regimental reunion.

I tell you what, Josie, what about, say, Saturday lunchtime?

Oh, that's a brilliant idea, pumpkin.

Gloria has become...

Totally indispensable to me, you know, Jacko. She thinks of ideas like that so

quickly. She's as sharp as a knife, isn't she, eh?

I'll tell you what, I'll put the word around.

That'd be great.

You'll say take it yourself once too often, you will!

Of course, we would have looked some people up tonight, but we're running a

late because of the Gymkhana, so we'll just have to push on and find our dig.

Dig? Dig, sir?

You can... So here, I've got a lovely spare bedroom upstairs.

It's got little lights set in the ceiling that look like stars and a

with a luminous man in the moon set into the headboard.

Try turning that down.

Well, that's awfully kind of you, Elmo, but we are actually booked in at the

Ritz. The Ritz? Oh, I understand. I see. Thanks anyway.

It should be a jolly good little party on Saturday.

Party? Oh, no, of course you'll be having that at the Ritz, won't you?

Absolutely not.

Here, if it's all right with you.

All right, sir.

It's wonderful.

I knew me catering had come of age some day.

Excuse me, sir. I've got to start playing.

So, how are you then, Jack Cole?

Me? Well, I'm fine.

It's so bizarre seeing you on your own.

It's not bizarre at all.

Darling.

I don't know what you're saying to me, Charles.

Sin mujer, pumpkin.

I still don't know what you're saying to me, Charles.

Well, nor do I come to that.

Well, if a chap is temporarily girl -friendless, one shouldn't push.

I am not girl -friendless, Charles. I'm going out with a very nice girl at the

moment. Oh, good.

I'd hate to think you're...

Energy that deserted you.

Well, they haven't, Gloria.

Her name's Lynn, and I like to think that we're at the beginning of a very

long, meaningful relationship.

Where is she, then?

Well, she's football training at the moment, if you may say.

Oh, I see.

What are you doing out there?

Where's my football kit?

Football kit?

Yeah.

I know where it is. You haven't played in six years.

Oh, is it as long ago as that?

Yeah. Don't you remember? It was the season that tall bloke from the fish and

chip shop took over as captain.

I remember him. Name of Surridge.

He did nothing about football, that bloke.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Time for some of the older players to make way for new blood.

Man was a fool.

Yeah. He dropped me and all.

They won the league that season, didn't they?

Yeah, I think they did.

Where's my football kit?

I don't know.

What do you want it for, anyway?

Well, Lynne wants to do some shooting practice, and I said I'd go and golf for

her.

All right, what's the funny?

It's the only way you can get her to go out with you.

It's in the loft. That's where I put it. Well, I ring the hospital and put the

heart unit on alert.

It's only a kickabout. She's only a girl.

much for the new man?

Jean, it's simply the biological difference in muscularity. You see,

generate the same velocity as men.

Eric's right. It's a fact. It's not a put -down.

Now, I'll let a few in to begin with, you know, build up their confidence.

I just feel a bit bad here, that's all.

Oh, perhaps we'd better stop.

No, look, look. You have a little breather and we'll carry on afterwards.

Oh, yeah, all right, then I'll have a little breather.

I don't like you doing Sunday in your matica room. Oh, not necessarily.

We're one short.

We're scratching around for players as it is.

You don't know any girls, do you?

One or two, yes.

Do any of them play?

Football, I mean.

Well, not that I know of, but I'll ask.

I'll definitely ask.

Oh, we really are desperate.

As long as she's breathing and willing to have a go, really.

Well, thanks.

Anyway, are you all right for a few more before it gets dark?

Absolutely. Go on.

Now, don't forget what I told you. You keep your knee over the ball.

Right.

Sandra, right, now, kick that, go on.

Why?

Just kick it.

Right, Sandra, you are a natural footballer.

Now, Lynn's team is one short on Sunday. Do you want a game?

No, I don't. I can't play football.

Sandra, it's in your genes. You're from the North East.

Jackie Milburn, Jackie Charlton, Bobby Charlton, Gazza.

You may not have noticed, Jackal, but they are all men.

You're denying your heritage.

I'm not interested.

Can I see you a minute, Jackal?

Ah, yes.

Yes, boss.

I want to ask you something.

Can I ask you something first?

Will you add that?

Why?

Well, Lyn's team are one short on Sunday and I wondered if you wanted a game.

You play.

No, they're all women.

That should suit you down to the ground.

No, Marcello would like it, Veronica.

You know, dreams of Inter Milan.

They're dirty words to Marcello. He comes from Sicily.

But I can think of better things to do for a laugh.

How is Marcello? May I ask my question now?

Oh, go on then.

Well, it's about Sandra.

It's serious.

After breaking up with Jimmy, she's so down, poor kid. She needs cheering up.

Yes, she is.

What have you got in mind? Well, me, Marcello, you and Sandra. If we had a

evening out together, perhaps we could get a laughing again.

You're a kindly soul, Veronica.

Even if you won't play football on Sunday.

You wouldn't have a Saturday free, would you?

Well, what about this one?

That easy.

I thought we'd have to book you months in advance.

No, I'm free. It's all right.

What about Lynne?

Well, she plays football on a Sunday, so she has to get her kit ready, you know.

Have a light meal and early to bed.

And I respect it. Yeah, I bet you don't like it, though. Are you going to speak

to Sandra or not? Yes, of course.

Oh, Gloria and Charles are up for a few days.

They're having a party at Elmo's Wine Bar Saturday.

Priceless. Yes.

Well, we four can go on from there.

Lovely.

Sandra, would you come in a minute, please?

At Elmo's, you say? Where else?

Oh, quite. I was just thinking how thrilled Leslie will be to see them.

Yes, Mrs. Bainbridge?

What about me and Marcello and you and Jacko going out together on Saturday?

No, thank you.

Oh, come on, Sandra.

Nice milf, you love... No, thank you.

Well, go on. We're lovable people. Jacko, I've said no, thank you. All

all right, all right.

But there could have been an ice cream in Sunderland's Colours in it for you.

If that's all, Mrs Beamberry... No, it is not all, Sandra.

It's not so long ago that you drove me mad in this office trying to make me go

out with Marcello.

Only because you were behaving as if you were about to collect your bus pass,

Mrs Bainbridge.

I wasn't.

Yes, you were.

I'm young. I've got plenty of time. Yeah, all right. Don't keep on about

Sandra.

I'm just not ready to be cheerful little Sandra again, that's all.

Please, give it a try, eh?

You're going to keep on if I say no, aren't you?

Endlessly. And don't forget, I'm the boss, and I can order you to listen to

whilst I go on, endlessly.

All right, I'll come.

But don't expect me to be sparkling company.

All right, just try to glimmer a bit.

Lizzie, come here, come here.

What?

Close your eyes, close your eyes.

Why? It's a surprise.

All right.

But touch me and you're in deep trouble.

All right,

they're closed.

Open your eyes.

It's an ice sculpture.

You made it, didn't you? I did, I did. Up all night with me hammer and chisel,

was.

What's it supposed to be?

A horse.

It's my centrepiece for Giles.

It's a sort of floral tribute in ice.

The mind boggles. It does, doesn't it?

The thing is, do I put it on the table now?

Or do I wheel it out later as a conversation stopper?

Conversation stopper.

Yes, yes.

Thanks for your game of football on Sunday, Ledley.

Do I look as though I play football?

As a matter of fact, you do.

I take that as an insult.

No, you shouldn't. You've got nice long legs.

You've got slim hips.

You're well -balanced.

You move... You moved well altogether.

You seem to be very aware of me physically.

I always have been, Leslie.

You're not really talking about football at all, are you?

Well, I was to begin with, yes.

Well, I won't play.

No, I didn't think you would.

There are much better games to play than football, anyway.

Well, if you promise not to tell the chat, I thoroughly agree with you.

Have you ever thought of a return match?

Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say it crossed my mind from time to time, yes.

Hello, Sandra.

You ready for our nice day out?

I can't, mate. I can't, mate. I've got to do me conversation stuff, and now...

Oh, shizzle, it's melted.

Not overly intelligent leaving it by the radiator, was it? My horse, my horse.

Your kingdom for a horse. Oh, never mind.

No, no, never mind.

I'll knock them out with a caviar instead.

Excuse me, everyone.

Caviar with the compliments of me.

They're sandwiches.

I know.

Any establishment can knock out little blobs of it on stupid little biscuits.

With me, you'd get a proper golf...

You've certainly got style, Elmo. That's undeniable.

Absolutely priceless.

I suppose the next time we come, you'll serve truffles. You want some truffles,

sir?

No, no, I didn't mean that. No, truffles have been mentioned, so truffles you

shall have.

Let's see.

Knit down a chocolate shop and get ten pound of chocolate truffles.

Let's see. Did you hear what I said?

In the first place, truffles don't come from chocolate shops.

They're fungi and pigs root for them with their snout.

Don't be preposterous. Do you think a gentleman like Giles would have anything

to do with that sort of thing?

And secondly, I wouldn't walk ten feet for that crew.

Why? I don't like any of them. Well, one's your mother. I know. Acting like a

pubescent schoolgirl with that ageing gigolo.

Giles has obviously lost a few brains he had by marrying that common bit of

stuff. Well, you're not Jacko. No, I don't.

He's singularly lacking in taste, as you can see.

Well, now, you can't dislike Eric and Jean, though. Everyone likes Eric and

Jean. All right. They bore me. They're two non -entities busy populating the

world with further non -entities.

Well, I'll nip down the chocolate shop myself, then.

No, no, Jean is not playing football.

Anyway, it wouldn't be fair.

We'd have 12 on our side against Eric.

Buy yourself a blonde wig and you turn out, Jacko.

It's a shame my Aunt Sophia's not here. She would have played. She was one of

Fantoni's marvels. Yeah, but that was on still.

She would have been good in the air, though.

I might dream it still to see Sandra whizzing down the wing.

Well, you can forget it, because I'm not whizzing anywhere.

I'll play.

Would you, Gloria?

Yes.

Just wind up my big key, point me in the right direction.

And I'm away.

Have you ever played before, Gloria?

No, but I'll do anything for a laugh.

That's one of the reasons I love you so much, Pumpkin.

Charlie, don't get private.

Are you really on, Gloria?

Yes.

What colours do we wear?

Well, black shorts and green and white top.

Oh, have they got anything in pastels?

You can't expect a whole team to change colour just because you can't carry

green on.

No, no, it's OK.

I'll do something with myself.

We'd better pop up to Lilywhite this afternoon, Pumpkin. Get you some kit.

Oh, lovely.

I don't think I want those chin things, though.

They don't do anything for your legs, do they?

They're not supposed to, Gloria. They're meant to protect them.

Excuse me.

Here we are, sir.

Truffles, as promised.

Anything wrong, sir?

No, no.

You actually went to the chocolate shop to get truffles. Which is where you and

I know they come from, sir.

Unlike clever clogs at the bar who only references something that pigs dig up.

I hope this place cheers her up, I really do.

Oh, you are a sweet man, Marcello. Oh, cara.

Oh, come on, Sandra, cheer up. I did warn you.

I'm just not in a party mood.

front, you daft ape?

No, I haven't.

Me head's on back to front.

Come on, Sergeant, let's get you to bed.

Do I want to go to bed? Yeah, come on, you best go to bed.

Let's done.

No, no, come on, let's stop it, come on.

Soldier!

No, no, come on, Sergeant, no, we've already been out, now will you stop?

How is it?

Come on.

Come on, get in here. Come on. All right, get in here.

Come on. Lie down.

Come on, here you go.

Right.

I've had a lovely evening, Jacko.

Yeah, I know, Sandra. Now, let go of me shirt, eh?

I am a good girl, aren't I?

Of course you are.

Well, I'm fed up with it.

I want to be wicked.

Please go to sleep, eh? Do you want to be wicked?

Eh? Come on, let's be wicked.

Now, listen, I'm only 16.

The young ones done with... All right, all right, all right. Stop

singing, please, for goodness sake.

Now, if you were sober, this would be a different matter.

That's my trouble.

I'm not sober.

Yeah. Come on.

Come on, get your head down. Come on.

Now.

Now, you lie there and dream of Sunderland winning the FA Cup, eh?

I never saw Len Shackleton play, you know.

Never mind, eh?

Good night, mate.

Jacko!

Don't go.

Here are trouble.

I'm off to be football match.

What are you still doing here?

Well, I tried to leave, Sandra, but you kept overpowering me.

Oh?

It's all right. I slept on the chair.

I made a complete fool of myself, didn't I?

Yes.

I mean, ladies, I'm back to front.

That was one of the more sensible things you did.

Oh, Jacko, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

Nice people never have to be sorry.

Am I a nice people?

You're top drawer, Sandra.

Better get off to me football, eh?

You sure you don't want to play?

Oh!

Now, I'm not refereeing.

Oh, go on, Jacko. The proper one cried off.

His wife probably found out it was ladies' football.

Oh, please, Jacko.

Oh, I'm putty in your hands, aren't I?

Oi, Eric.

Run a line for us, will you?

Yeah, all right.

I might start playing again, you know.

And where were you last night?

If I told you, you wouldn't believe it.

Oi, oi, the cavalry's arrived.

Sorry we're late.

We overslept.

Gloria's already changed.

What's your phone number?

Carol?

Look at Daddy. Doesn't he look funny?

I've sent the other girl off as well.

Yeah, well, she deserved it.

Now, come on, Pumpkin, the game's the thing.

I was only on there ten minutes.

So you're never going to speak to me again because I showed you the red card,

eh?

Well, Mike, I never could stay umpty with you for long.

You, um...

You will be keeping your kit, won't you, Pumpkin?

No, I think I'll give it away.

I shan't be wearing it again.

No, no, don't do that.

Why? I think you look rather sweet in it.

Rascal.

Come on, don't take it so hard.

We were awful.

We were diabolical.

It was only three nil.

It leaks like a sieve, our defence.

It's only a game, isn't it? Never mind.

Look. Now, what about this evening? Oh, no, look, I'm sorry.

Well, you haven't got a match tomorrow.

No, we've all got to get together and have a team talk about this defence.

Oh, perhaps I should use a sweeper.

Oh, I don't know.

Some other time, hey, Jacko?

What other time?

I'm not... I'm not tired. Oh, yeah. I'll be all right.

Good player, isn't she?

Yes, yes, she's very good. Yeah, nice girl.

Seen her again?

No, I don't think so, no.

Why ever not?

Well, to be quite honest, Jean, I think she thinks more of her football than she

does of me.

I love it.

Oh.