Original subtitles

All thanks to you, these things I do,

because of you,

because of you.

How

do

you manage to get your kids to sleep in till late?

I had them up till three o 'clock in the morning playing poker.

Oh.

You two been playing with the superglue again, have you?

We can hold hands if we want to.

We can still be in love if we want to.

You can be thickly when you want to.

I prefer emotionally in concert.

You would.

We're going to have another baby.

Are you?

Yeah.

How many more are you going to have?

15, if we so choose. What's it got to do with you?

Well, I've got to think about my position as the uncle.

I'm team birthday presents every year.

I'm not made of money.

I'm very pleased for both of you.

Thanks, Jacko.

Makes me swell, you know.

I'm the one that does that.

No, no.

With pride, I mean.

Of course, I could be found in a dynasty here. They've already done that on

television. No, no, I mean a proper one.

And they'd all be top of their professions, whatever they decided to

Doctors.

Lawyers. Ballet dancers.

Oceanographers. MPs. Leave some jobs for the others.

No, you see, they'd be part of us in the future.

Just to think, it all started in this room.

I wonder why that door was locked that night.

Then, of course, there's the grandchildren.

I mean, who's to say... Can I have a boiled egg, please?

It gets right up your nose, doesn't it?

Normal life.

All right, Eric.

Where's my cigar?

I ain't got any.

There you are.

Smoke that.

It is. No, it isn't. No, it is. It definitely is. Well, I'll bet you.

Right, then.

Sandra, will you settle an argument for us, please?

Now, is Sunderland an island?

Or is it connected to the mainland?

Give it a rest, do.

Well, that went a bit flat.

Go on, Eric, tell her about the baby.

We're going to have another baby, Sandra.

Oh, that's nice.

Congratulations.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Well, I'd hate to see you when you were miserable.

I had a row with Jimmy, if you must know.

Oh, we never row, me and Jean.

Oh, all right, Eric.

Come on, what's the matter with you two lately, eh?

You found out he's a secret Newcastle supporter.

Let's move him back to the North East when we get married.

Jimmy's so keen on it.

He's almost over keen.

I keep getting the feeling that what he really wants to do is sort of put a

fence around me.

Well, it could be with roses on it.

It's as if Jimmy thinks that when we go back, I'll somehow change.

Into what?

Maybe something I don't want to be anymore.

Oh, come on, Sandra.

I know Eric and I have a dig about Sunderland sometimes. Well, even we know

not all clogs on the pavement, women in shawls and tin bars in front of the fire

anymore.

I know that.

Look, in my opinion, this is nothing more than premarital irrationality. Now,

think I'm a pretty well -balanced sort of bloke. But, you know, before I

Jean, even I had the odd butterfly in my stomach.

Odd Butterfly?

He's developed a stammer and lost all feeling in his left foot for two weeks.

Perhaps that's what it is.

If I lose all feeling in me left foot, I'll let you know.

That's better, Sandra.

Right, I'm going in to see Sir. Are you coming?

No, I think I'll just give Gina a ring, see how she is.

I've got nine months of this.

Nine months!

Come in.

Good morning, Jacko. Hello, Governor.

We've painted the fourth bridge. What do you want us to do now?

That.

Ah. What?

Well, I just hope you got the details right this time. I don't want to paint

something that the bloke doesn't want painted and end up being mistaken for

Beatles about again.

That scared you, didn't it?

Yeah, it did.

See, personally, I think I look more like Gary Lineker.

No chance of his wages, I suppose.

Are you with me?

Yes. No, you're not. You're having honeyed thoughts again.

Marcello's moving in.

You don't mean to say both of you are going to be sitting behind a desk

together, do you?

Doesn't it seem rather silly for him not to?

Well, I think it's rather shocking.

You? Yeah, I always take my moral lead from you, Veronica.

I can think of one or two neighbours whose eyebrows would be permanently

Tell them to get their own bloke.

I think it's terrific.

See you, you scarlet woman.

Bye, Jacko.

Just idle curiosity, but does little Ledley know about this?

Not yet.

I'm going to talk to her this evening.

So if I hear an explosion, I'll know it's not a gas holder gone up.

Well, I was going to have lunch in the office.

No, I know.

I was silly too.

Oh, did you?

So did I.

Of course we can.

I'll see you about one o 'clock then, Jimmy.

Bye.

Is there no privacy round here?

Not with us around, no.

There's something about starting a new job, isn't there, Jacko?

No? There is.

I mean, here we are. We've got paint, we've got brushes, and there is the

canvas waiting for us.

We're painting a shop front.

I know, I know.

Well, what exactly did you have in mind? And don't say the plumber exhibition at

the Royal Academy because we won't get it through the front door.

I don't know, Jacko. You just make house painting sound like house painting.

Well, it is.

I'm terribly sorry, but could you help me?

What's the matter, love? I think I've gassed my butchery gar.

Oh, here.

Well, I can't smell any gas.

No, well, it could only have been for a minute. My milk boiled over.

There he is.

Named Lionel.

His name's what?

Lionel.

Oh.

Is he dead?

Well, no, I don't think so, no.

No, he's not. Look, look, his little chest is going up and down. Look.

Well, have you any idea what to do?

Well, it's gas, isn't it? So it's oxygen.

Got any oxygen?

No. Well, I could give him mouth -to -mouth with hesitation.

Well, you'd gas yourself.

Well, not with what he's got in his little lungs, I wouldn't, no.

There's no good blundering about in the dark.

The Blue Cross, that's what we need, the Blue Cross.

You got a book?

There. Oh, what about Brandy?

Well, how do you give Brandy to an unconscious budgerigar?

Oh, here it is.

I'm Lynn, by the way.

Jacko.

Oh, hello. Look, we've got an emergency.

It's a gas budgerigar.

Gas.

Oh, look.

Look, he's all right. He's back up on his perch again.

It's all right, mate. It's all right. He's back on his perch again.

No, no, I wasn't pulling your wire.

All right, all right. I'm sorry.

Must have sounded odd there, inn.

Oh, thanks very much.

Oh, that's all right.

Don't strike a match near him, though, will you? Because he'll go up like a

rocket.

Oh, dear.

Oh, well, never mind.

Not the end of the world, is it?

You just have to laugh.

Would you like to have lunch with me?

That's a bit sudden, isn't it?

Well, not nearly as sudden as being brought in here to see a gas budgerigar.

Well, yes, all right, then. Great.

I knock off about one. See you in the shop.

Oh, well, I've got to go out this morning.

I'd better meet you somewhere.

Do you know Wilmo Putney's Wine Bar?

Well, that pink place.

I always tended to go past there on the other side of the road.

Everyone should see it once.

There's no other place like it anywhere in the world.

Well, I just have to go in there now.

I'll see you there about one.

Lovely.

You own a shop downstairs, do you?

Lock, dock and overdraft.

Like antiques?

Love them.

That's good.

Because I'm 89 years old.

I'm going home for lunch.

I don't care.

Are you going to cook it yourself, Leslie?

Well, I have to, won't I?

Mummy will probably be mooning about with Marcello and some trattoria.

What's so funny?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing. What sort of mood are you in, Leslie?

Well, what do you think after a morning in here with him?

Why do you ask, anyway?

No reason.

You going to be sitting there long, Elmo?

Who knows?

Only I'm expecting someone.

A woman?

Yes. More for you.

Now, come on, Elmo. You've got to forget Paulette. Don't mention her name. I

ain't banned in here.

All right, all right.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

Are you planning to go off bank?

No, that's just life, that is. Going on.

Well, it does that, doesn't it?

And on and on and on.

You want me to go, don't you?

Elmo, it's the first time I've taken her out. It's a question of sensitivity.

She won't have any. She's a woman.

Not her, you.

Of elbow sensitivity.

If somebody was to come up to me and say, here you are, have some

I'd say, not today, thank you.

Are you going to be in this mood for long, Elmo? For the rest of my life.

Tick.

Tick, tick, tick.

Look, here she comes. Can you go and tick somewhere else, please?

Bad old... Good.

Tick, tick, tick.

Hello, Lee. Come and sit down. Hello.

Oh, what have you done now?

Oh, I tripped over and put my hand out to save myself.

It's only poor tendons.

Oh, you'll be able to fight a Wembley tonight, then.

It's not been all day, is it?

No, but it's nothing drastic.

Well, I feel dreadful in offering this place in some way as compensation now.

Oh, it's all right. I've got some sunglasses in my bag.

You sure they haven't broken in the fall?

Best not to look, really.

Yeah. Come on, choose a drink.

Oh,

what are the cocktails like?

Well, there's a lot of the proprietor in them.

Let's put it that way, eh?

Elmo?

What?

My friend would like a drink, please.

Would you?

What do you want?

This one looks intriguing.

I'll have a sweet Paulette, please. You would bloody choose that, wouldn't you?

I did say you should only come here once.

We'll all skateboarders keep off the pavement, please. All right, all right.

You're all up, then. What's the matter with you? I was going to get you.

I've only just got back from lunch. You're late.

You're taking your job a bit seriously, aren't you? It's your shop.

It's been done.

Makes you feel old, doesn't it?

Why? Well, things like this didn't used to happen in our day.

What do you mean, our day? Years ago.

Oh, leave off.

I remember when we were kids, down my street, there were six burglaries in one

night alone.

Ah, yeah.

But they didn't touch poor old Mrs Rawlings' house, did they?

Well, of course they didn't touch poor old Mrs Rawlings' house.

It was old Mr Rawlings who was doing the burglaries.

Wasn't it?

Did they get much?

Not really.

They smashed the window, grabbed what they could and ran off, apparently.

This isn't your day, is it?

Funny, isn't it? They come like that.

Do you know, I read my horoscope this morning.

It said events take an upward turn.

I don't know why you keep laughing.

Oh, you just have to, don't you?

Would you have dinner with me tonight?

Not Elmo.

No, not Elmo, no.

Almost going through a phase.

I tell you what, you bought me lunch, I'll cook you dinner.

One -handed.

Perhaps we had better go out.

No, I tell you what, I'll bring round a takeaway.

Oh, yes, all right then.

I'd better go and find the glazier.

About eight?

Lovely.

What's lovely?

Have you got me bugged, Derek?

I just heard you say lovely.

We were talking about your complexion.

Hello,

Leslie.

What are you doing home?

Well, I do live here.

I couldn't face that muck at the wine bar, so I decided to cook myself

something. What is it?

Not really, no.

Leslie? Forget the cases. Why don't we, uh... Ah.

Hello, Leslie. Hello.

Cases?

Are you two going on holiday again? You've only just come back.

Yes, I know.

Um, Marcello, would you like to take the cases up?

Yes, of course.

Up? Yes, Leslie.

He's moving in, isn't he?

Yes, Leslie.

Why don't you just put me in a plastic sack and ask the dustman to throw me in

pit somewhere?

Now, this is exactly the attitude I hoped you wouldn't take.

Well, what did you expect?

My father lived in this house.

Nobody could be more aware of that than me.

If with someone, I wouldn't bring them back home. It's my house.

Oh, I see. That gives you the right to ride roughshod over my feelings, does

Substitute tantrums for feelings, and yet it does.

You're throwing me out. I am asking you to behave like a grown -up for once in

your life and accept a grown -up situation.

There's no one to look after me anymore.

Leslie, we will all look after each other.

You're not even in the room, as far as I'm concerned.

Leslie! Well, it's grotesque. It's vulgar. Don't you get on your moral high

horse, Leslie. It has no legs.

Listen, Leslie, let's not speak of us as those sex and a passion is all we have.

We have each other.

We want you to be happy for us.

I'll smack you round the face in a minute. Go on, then, if it makes you

better. No, ladies, no.

Look, Leslie, I'm not a bad man.

I'm not a wisp of the willow.

We can be a family together.

Wait until you taste my cooking.

I can cook for myself, thank you.

Never you mind.

Say something generous, Leslie.

All right.

He's making a fool of you.

He's an aging Lothario on the make. He's nothing but a sponger. Marcello has

three vineyards and a 400 -year -old villa.

Money isn't everything.

I'm going to work.

And they say Italians are temperamental.

You're not going off the idea, are you?

Only one person could put me off the idea, and that's you.

Parking ticket.

What are you doing here?

I work here.

Well, have some sense of proportion, Veronica. I thought it was Marcello's

moving -in day.

It is.

He has.

But I had a few things to clear up here, so I popped back.

Leaving him hot and planting.

Now, that's hardly fair.

He had some business to attend to as well.

I don't know. What's the matter with you young people today, eh?

I'll be seeing him tonight.

I'll be seeing him every night.

Your eyes have gone all glassy.

Did you want something?

Yeah, parking ticket.

Oh. Look, I don't want to be nosy, Veronica.

How did Leslie take it?

Disastrous. I suppose I did spring it on her a bit suddenly.

I wish I'd told her first.

No, she'd have hit the roof when you told her. Then she'd have hit the roof

again when Marcello moved in. You'd have had to scrape her off the ceiling twice

instead of only once.

Maybe. But perhaps I've been a bit self -centred, a bit...

Steamrollery? If there ever was a time for you to be a self -centred

in your life, it's now, Veronica.

Perhaps you're right.

I know, Leslie, remember?

You are right.

Yeah, I am.

Of course I am.

Well, come on, be a bit more cheerful about it.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Nothing like good news to make people miserable, is there, Sandra?

How did lunch go with Jimmy? Did you sort it out over the table?

Or under the table.

We're finished, Jackal.

Oh, mate.

Oh, we started off all right.

Then somehow we got on to all the old differences of opinion.

All the old entrenched positions.

Going back to Sunderland, do you mean?

Yeah. Then we got angry and started shouting.

She embarrassed the waiter terribly.

Perhaps we should have had lunch at Elmo's.

Let's just call it a fighting draw, eh? There's still the second leg.

Penalty shootout?

It's over.

Right, I'll tell you what.

I'll ring him up and tell him that you're crying.

I'm not.

I'll ring him up and ask him if he's crying.

I've told you it's finished.

I won't live up there and he won't live down here. That's what it's come to.

So it's finished.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, mate.

Look, come on.

Hey, it's nearly knocking off time.

Come, I'll take you for a drink.

Oh, I don't know whether I feel like it. Come on, Sandra.

I'll cheer you up.

Well, all right.

But only to Elmo's. I don't want to go anywhere.

I must have the most horriblest life in the world.

You don't know what real suffering's about.

What's the use of opals when half of you's not here?

I can never be happy at home. I know that. That's been taken away from me.

I think I'll enrol myself in some home somewhere.

Some people think of nothing but themselves.

I bet even my Sunday school teacher wouldn't have the answer to this one.

What? Sunday school.

What are you talking about?

Me, having the worst life in the world.

I've the worst life in the world. No, you haven't. Yes, I have. I bet you

haven't. I bet I have.

I bet you my life's a zillion times worse than yours. You don't have the

imagination to be that hurt. I do.

Don't. I do. Don't.

Sandra, come on then. We're going to sit here, eh?

Right, what are you going to have then?

I don't really feel like anything.

Well, have something to eat.

No, thanks.

No.

Time's a great healer, Sandra.

I don't need clichés, Jacko.

No.

Would you want to talk about it? No, thanks.

Well, what did we come here for?

It was your idea.

Yeah, yeah, so it was.

Oh, have something to drink, please, Sandra.

All right.

I'll have a mineral water.

Terrific. Elmo, one mineral water and a half a lager, please.

Right -o.

I'll take them. Best to keep busy. Keep your mind off things.

Well, in that case, I'll take them because I've got more to keep my mind

No, you haven't. Yes, I have.

Here you are. Here you are.

Look, if we'd have wanted this sort of atmosphere, we'd have had a drink in the

mall. Oh, fair enough. So am I.

Really? Well, Sandra's really depressed.

I bet she's not as depressed as I am. Or me.

I think I am.

What's up with you then, Sandra?

Well, you might as well know I've split up with Jimmy.

It might be better, you know, if men and women weren't creating a fancy each

other in the first place.

All right, thanks for the drink. Thanks for the drink. I'm sorry, Sandra, but at

least there are always more men about.

You only ever have one mother.

He was a special lad, Jimmy, you see.

If my mother could see the way I've ended up, she'd say, I told you so.

My mother's not at all interested in me.

My mother will blame me for the break -up. I know she will.

Jimmy could never do any wrong in her eyes.

Oh, come on, please.

Everyone takes a nosedive sometimes in their life. But when you hit rock

there's only one way to go, and that's up.

Eh?

Eh?

Oh, I'm going home.

Here, Eric.

This budgerigar's called Lionel.

I wonder if he's been reincarnated.

Can you get on my light, please?

Oh, sorry.

Oh, I thought you should open at Dole's Hospital.

You all right?

Yes, thank you. I'm fine.

Here, Jean.

Lynn's budgerigar's called Lionel. Is it?

Oh, not you two as well.

I've just left a load of long faces. What's the matter with you two?

Well, ask him.

Eric, ask her.

Well, I thought Lynn's budgerigar being called Lionel was rather riptickling.

Here.

Do you know what he did?

No, but you're going to tell me.

He ordered me to have a fun this time.

I did not.

All I said was it would be nice to have a boy this time, wouldn't it?

Yeah, it would, yeah.

Well, don't you side with him.

A woman's not in control of what she produces.

It's not like going into McDonald's and ordering a Big Mac.

It's not like going into McDonald's and ordering a Big Mac, Eric.

I never said it was.

Of course I didn't realise that I'd disappointed you twice before.

Well, come on, Jean.

Come on, it's just your hormones talking.

They go all unbalanced when you're pregnant.

Well, what do you know about it?

I had quads.

Oh, yes.

It's all such a big laugh to you blokes, isn't it?

Well, you've got to see the funny side, haven't you, Eric?

No. No, it's always the father who suffers.

Have you got morning sickness?

Suffer? Look, I'm the one who's suffering.

I'm the one who's going to feel totally inadequate if I have another girl.

We'll have twins, one of each.

Oh, yeah.

Fine.

Go on, Eric, order me to have twins.

Whatever you like.

I don't want twins.

Oh, oh, more pressure.

I must not have twins.

Look, put your feet up. Put your feet up there, come on.

Put your head back.

Now then.

What are you doing?

I'm divining the sex.

Getting it over with.

Well, you keep the kids for yourself.

Dangling them over people.

Look, this is serious.

This is about two people redefining their marital status.

Rubbish. It's a stupid row. Not as if you've got anything to row about.

There's nothing really wrong.

I'm not fed up with it.

Not as fed up as I am, Jean.

Oh, for goodness sake, what's the matter with you two, eh? You're making

mountains out of molehills.

If you want to know someone who's really got something to be fed up about, it's

Lynne. She nearly gassed her budgerigar, she burnt her table, she nearly broke

her arm, and then the capital she had her shop broken into.

Now, you don't hear her complaining.

Well, she's not here, is she?

It's just well the way you're behaving, Jean.

You're the one who's doing the behaving!

And that arm's gone upside down.

All right, I made a mistake.

I'm sewing under severe pressure. I'm the same!

Oh, is that arm really your subconscious way of telling me to have a boy? I did

not tell you. All I said was... He said what? I was called Lionel.

I wonder if he's been reincarnated.

are you on about?

Well, you two are back to square one. I thought I'd join in.

That's not being very constructive, is it?

All right, Eric.

I'll show you constructive.

I'm going round to leave.

I've had it up to here today with long faces.

Look,

look. The mirror's all skew -whiff.

When you've finished arguing about this, you can start on that.

It is skew -whiff, actually.

and this is the police. Will you keep the noise down in there, please? Thank

you.

I've got Chinese. Is that all right? Oh, lovely.

Oh, it is lovely.

Right, sit down.

So how are you then, Smiler?

Oh, I'm fine.

You're like a breath of spring here, you are.

Here we go.

It's all right, I'll do that.

I bet you died.

Now, that's not fair.

That is definitely not fair.

Don't. I know, come on.

Chin up.

You've got to laugh, haven't you?

Come on.

It's all right, I'll take you for a drink later.

We'll go to Elmo's.

Because of you.

Because of you. Oh, and

you love nature.

You love nature.

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