Original subtitles

All thanks to you, these things I do,

because of you,

because of you.

Thanks for showing me to me dorm, Maud.

That's all right, Jacko.

Fancy a coffee?

No, thanks. I'd better push on down to Hampshire.

Yeah.

Enjoyed the stock car racing, did you?

Yes, lots of fun.

Something quite primitive about it.

You're interested in primitive activities, are you?

When the mood takes me.

Look, Maud, this driving back to Hampshire tonight, I'm beginning to

this. Why?

Well, driving in the dark.

All those narrow, narrow country lanes, sharp twisty bends, foxes whizzing out

in front of you all over the place. I'm a very competent driver.

Yeah, well, you can be the most competent driver in the world, but if

I was saying you can be the most competent driver in the world, but if a

falls in front of the car... They only do that at night, do they?

Yes, it's a well -known fact. But a very remote possibility.

Yeah, but still, Maud, it's a possibility.

Not tonight, it isn't.

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Oh, and there's hedgehogs as well.

Bye.

Yes, bye, Malt.

I saw the curtains twitching.

It was the cat playing with his ping -pong ball.

She's gone home, then?

Yes. You didn't ask her in?

No, I didn't, as a matter of fact. She's got a long journey home.

She wouldn't come in.

All right, she wouldn't come in.

Wonderful.

So what's your next move, then?

Well, there isn't going to be a next move.

It's all very well going for the crock of gold at the end of the rainbow, but

sometimes it takes too long.

And, of course, at your age, you've got to conserve energy.

I'll have you know I'm as fit now as what I was when I was 18.

So why do you grunt when you tie your shoelaces?

You do?

And you doze off a lot.

Yeah, it's burning a candle at both ends all your life that's done it.

Whereas me, I eat regularly, I sleep properly, and I think you can see the

result. Yeah, a dollop on the sofa.

For your information, mate, I am in prime physical condition.

And in all due modesty, I think Jean can back me up on that.

Jean?

Yeah?

Listen, Schwarzenegger, you couldn't even run round a block anymore.

I could run round a block.

I could run round a block and dance like faster than you.

If I had my legs tight together, yes.

All right, macho man.

Come on, then.

I'll race you.

Right, you're on. Only don't blame me when you collapse in the gutter. If I

collapse, it will be with laughter at seeing you hanging off the railings.

Oh, right.

A fiver on it.

Come on. Right.

Make it a tenner.

Right, you're on.

Right. You go out that front door and I'll bolt it behind you.

All right.

Press -ups.

All right, press -ups. Come on, then.

Go on. Go on, I'll do it one hand. I'll set you up. You go.

You go.

Oh, I wish I had a nanny for you two. It'd be much easier.

Right, you, get into your little all -in -one pyjamas. You, upstairs to your

cot.

I suppose it is a bit late, really.

No, I'm not going to bed.

I'm going to start and watch a late film. It's Alien.

You'll look like an alien if you sit there till two in the morning.

I might watch that.

No, you won't.

You told me Veronica's back in the office.

So you should be bright -eyed and bushy -tailed.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Good night then, Jacko.

Good night, my little chipmunk.

Right.

I'm nearing four.

Five?

Well, how do you work that out?

Well, you had three shots to get out of the paint store, right?

Right. And your first shot out there was an air shot.

Yeah, but you don't count those.

Yes, you do. Strict rules of golf.

Oh, all right, five.

Right. Where did my ball go, then? Went under Sandra's deck.

Oh, yeah, well, I get a free drop for it being under there, don't I? No, you

don't, no, you don't. Strict rules of golf.

Sandra's legs are a natural hazard.

They're from where it lies. Go on.

All right, then, I will.

Excuse me, Sandra.

Ow!

Vera, you're the only natural hazards around here.

Haven't you got any work to do?

No, we haven't.

Eric is a mere robot and can't do anything unless he's programmed.

And I'm a robot's hanger -on. I'm even worse.

And as Veronica is the programmer and she's not here yet, what can we do?

Well, I can hardly phone the boss up and say, you're late, where the heck are

you? Can I? No. Can I play my ball, please?

You're a couple of idiots.

I'll take advantage of our boyish enthusiasm if I were you, Sandra.

When you marry Jimmy and move up to Sunderland, you won't have us to make

laugh. I'll make sure I won't. I won't give you me address.

Please stay here, Sandra.

Will it seem funny going home?

Yeah, I suppose it will.

I suppose home is always home, but... But what?

Morning, everyone.

Morning, Mrs Bainbridge. Oh, hello, Claude. Morning, Mrs Bainbridge.

Sorry I'm late.

Well, so much for being programmed.

Come in.

I am Jacko.

Is Eric?

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm just reminding you that we're part of your workforce.

Well, get on with some work, then.

We can't, Mr Bainbridge. We've been waiting for you to come in to tell us

to do.

Oh, yes, of course. Sorry.

Nice evening with Marcello. Very nice.

Work, yes, right.

Let's see what I've got down here.

Oh, yes, after it. Before Wednesday, Chuck wants his mobile home painted

he comes back from holiday.

Dowsett Park.

I don't know why they call them mobile homes. They're always up on blocks,

aren't they?

Well, there you are. That's the job. Off you go.

Have you become a mystic, Veronica?

Or are you just attempting telepathic communication?

What are you talking about?

Well, what caravan and what colour?

Oh, yes, of course. I'll write it down for you.

Oh, sole mio.

Give it to me.

Your delicious doughnut.

And you've got to stop that.

There you are.

Oh, you'd better give that to Eric. He's a skipper on our side.

Oh, I don't know about that anymore.

Well, Jean does. She irons my shirts.

Well, look, you girls, eh?

We were here at our past date, Veronica.

Go on.

Ciao, Cara.

Ciao.

I've been thinking, Eric.

Why do we keep coming back here?

Well, perhaps it's the salmon syndrome.

They always return to the same place to lay their eggs.

Is that what you're thinking of doing, then?

No, no, no. I mean, it's built in. They're renowned for having no brains,

know, Fish.

Yeah, don't make us too bright then, does it?

Hello, you two.

Hello, Sandra. Hello, Sandra.

Here, you're not on one of your notorious pub crawls, are you? No, I've

come in for me lunch.

Ah, another famine.

What?

Oh, Eric and me were just saying. Why do we keep coming back here?

Simple in my case.

I'm madly in love with Elmo.

Hello. Can I get you something?

Hello, Leslie.

I'll have half a lager and a lasagna, please.

It's lovely to see your mum smiling again, isn't it?

I find it sickening.

Sickening? Well, it is.

She's behaving like some lovesick teenager.

Nose out of joint, Leslie?

None of my business. If she chooses to neglect me, that's fine.

I'd phone the NSPCC if I were you.

Oh, it's all right for you.

You've got a proper home.

Well, where do you live, then?

In a dog kennel.

You don't understand what I'm going through. Any of you.

Hello, Sandra.

Hello, lads.

Everything under control, Leslie?

No, I set fire to the kitchen.

What do you think?

Yeah, you'll never guess where me and Paulette have been.

Shopping? No, we've been round the estate agents looking for a place in the

country. Where did that idea come from, Elmo?

In here, mate. It's like a firework factory in here sometimes.

I'm sure you don't mean a damp squib. I mean, what do you want with a place in

the country?

It's for poor Leia. You know what a frail little thing she is?

It's this ozone layer in London, see? It's polluting her.

Here, we're going to see this lovely place in Kent. It's got a moat. Well,

do you want a moat for?

It goes all the way round.

Well, they all do that, Elmo. What do you want it for? Well, I could put trout

in it and we could fish out the kitchen window.

I'm telling you, Rocky, it's not the one I want.

Which one do you want, Paula?

Oh, I'd set up a little tiny cottage in the country, even if we had to do it up

ourselves.

Now, how many times do I have to come down on top of you, Paulette? What is

point of me having money if all you say is don't spend it? Because it makes me

embarrassed. Well, you've got to get over it. I mean, you're the sort of

who was born to have things chucked at you.

Here's this other place we're going to see.

Indoor swimming pool, 15 bedrooms, big grounds.

It's even got a hee -hee.

Ha -ha.

Don't laugh at it, Eric. You haven't even seen the place.

No, no, I mean it's called a ha -ha, not a hee -hee.

Whatever it's called, you won't find them in Motspur Park, will you?

Anyway, what would you like to do now, my darling?

Pop down the chocolate shop, have something made up in the shape of your

It's a lovely thought, but I've got to go and see Granny now. Yes, of course

have. All right, goodbye, my little pink toothbrush.

Goodbye, my big blue toothbrush.

Isn't she lovely?

We've got to do something about this.

He started off taking him for a ride, now he's turned into a rollercoaster.

Fifteen bedrooms and a hee -hee.

At least when he was married to Rose, he knew she was horrible.

Poor Elmore.

Elmo? Yeah?

Could we have a word?

And my lager.

Take Sandra's lager over, will you, Leslie?

You're going over, you take it.

Come and sit here, mate. Oh, right.

Here you are, Sandra.

Thanks.

Right. I'm wearing leopard -skinned pants.

Well, what brought that up?

Sitting down, I suppose.

Yeah, look, Elmo, look.

Do you think you could see Paulette in a different way?

If it meant spying on her through a keyhole, no, I'd never do that.

No, no, no, no.

Eric.

Look, Elmo.

If a beam of white light strikes a prism, when it's refracted, it divides

all the different colours of the spectrum.

So that all the prisoners would have different coloured faces.

No, no, no.

Prism. What?

Sandra.

Elmore, some women are not all they seem to be.

That's very wise, that is.

Paulette, for example.

Yes? She's more than she seems to be.

Eric? Pass.

Look, Elmo, don't you think you're spending too much money on Paulette?

Well, I give her little things, yeah.

Little things?

If you go shopping in a West End store, they have to shut for a week just while

they restock.

I can't help it if my locals give me extra buying power.

Anyway, she never asks me for anything. I have to force gifts on her.

She asks you for things, Elmo, by telling you she doesn't want them.

It's not even English.

Pity about the flamingos. What flamingos? Well, Paulette was saying how

she thought they was. So I went out to buy some from the bathroom and the

zoo wouldn't sell them to me.

Look, Elmo, let's stop beating about the bush.

You know what a gold digger is, don't you?

Of course I do. I used to be one myself.

What? In Australia with my Jack Halloran. I mean, admittedly, me dog

instead of gold, but I know what a gold digger is.

I still miss him, you know.

Who, my Jack?

No, my dog Derek.

Elmo, please listen.

We're your friends, aren't we?

I didn't mean to say I like Derek better than you.

No, no, I know, I know.

Paulette is the other sort of gold digger.

She's only after your money.

Rubbish. She is.

You're just jealous.

She's no good for you.

Look, I don't have to sit here listening to this.

Get out, the lot of you. You're all banned. Come on, out, out.

They're banned.

They're not having it. Now, get out.

Oh.

Elmo's like a big child, isn't he?

How'd you get through to him?

In this case, I think you'd have to drill into his skull.

Pneumatic, of course. Oh, yeah.

Look.

Call

me

a cynic if you like, Eric.

But that does not look like her granny.

It's worse, doesn't it?

What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?

Well, we're not playing ice hockey, are we? We're painting a mobile home.

It's mine.

So what's the problem? I didn't ask anybody to paint it. You must have done.

We don't just wander around painting things at random.

I did not ask anybody to paint my mobile home. So you two could...

All right, I fell for it.

Come on out, Jeremy.

Jeremy? Beedle.

You're Beedle's about.

Oh, do us a favour.

No, I don't mind. I mean, I'm a fan. I think he's the wittiest man in the

I mean, he genuinely upsets people. That's the cleverness of it. No, we are

fide painters.

Look, you don't have to keep it up.

Oh, I get it.

You want some bleeps.

Swearing's always good for a laugh. But where's the camera?

Keep it rolling, Jeremy. I'll do something for you. Look, look, look.

not here. He is out humiliating somebody somewhere else.

This has all been a terrible mistake.

Hold on.

You're not Beatles about, are you?

No, we're not.

So what are you going to do about it?

Right, well, we'll shoot straight back to the office and sort this out, I

promise. Well, you'd better sort it out.

You couple of bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep.

Come in.

What are you doing back here?

Could we have a word, please, Mrs Bainbridge?

Yes, about what? Well, it's like this.

We have just been made to look, well, ridiculous.

I know that being made to look ridiculous isn't the end of the world,

it reflects on one's intelligence and integrity, you feel, well...

Well, ridiculous.

I don't know if ridiculous is the right word, but I'll use it for the time

being, because... What are you talking about, Eric? We painted the wrong

caravan. That's what he's talking about.

Well, that's a stupid thing to do.

Not us. You sent it to the wrong one.

I wrote the address down for you in big letters. What more do you want?

Well, you wrote it down wrong.

Sandra, bring the workbook in, would you, please?

Holiday snaps.

Don't fraternise. It's an eminence situation. Get down this side.

Oh, it's quite like old times here in the road through the walls. Never mind

that, Sandra. Would you just read out the details of the Dowsett Park job?

Here we are.

Paint mobile home royal blue.

Number 26, Dowsett Park.

Eric, paper.

You wrote down number 24.

Give me that.

Oh.

Yes. Oh.

I'd like to go back to my point about looking ridiculous. We don't have time,

Eric. No, we don't have time.

Due to mismanagement, we've got to get number 24 back to how it was and get

number 26 how he wants it.

Sorry.

We all make mistakes.

Yes. Except when a woman does it in business, it becomes what else can you

expect? You've let the side down.

Your mind's not on your work, Mrs Bainbridge.

It's Marcello, isn't it?

You wouldn't begrudge a little old lady a bit of happiness, would you, Sandra?

I think it's lovely.

It's ironic, isn't it? If Veronica hadn't sent you to the wrong number,

have never seen Paulette with her granny.

You'd have been further down the row and you just wouldn't have seen her.

I'd still say it's better not to tell Elmo.

I mean, ignorance is bliss, and he's comfortable with ignorance.

Yeah, but could you bury your heads in the sands if you thought a woman was

mucking me about?

Well, personally, I'd laugh my head off.

Perhaps he'll just find out in his own good time.

No, there's no good time to be told that sort of thing. Anyway, God knows what

he'd have bought her by then.

They'd probably be living at Windsor Castle.

No, he's got to be told.

Well, it'll hurt him. He's never been in love before.

He won't believe you anyway.

Yeah, but at least I will have told him.

good idea if I went and told him.

He might listen to a neutral.

No, you're already on his blacklist.

You're banned by association.

Who is?

Me.

Oh, yeah.

No, I can't tell him. I am his best mate.

Well, you've never even been out together.

Just shows you how desperate he is for a best mate, doesn't he?

No, no, no, no!

Now, look, Elmo, you've got to accept... You're banned.

No, no, no, you've already done that. You're double banned then, coming round

here expecting me to listen to poison pen letters.

Look, I know it's horrible.

No, it's not horrible, it's ludicrous. I don't know why you're doing this,

Jacko. Yes, I do.

You're jealous.

You've gone out with hundreds of girls and you're jealous because you can't

Paulette, who's the most crackingest of all.

For goodness sake, Elmo, Eric saw her as well.

Oh, yeah, well, he's halfway round the twist, isn't he, going on about

in different colours? I'm not a prisoner what he's seen, aren't I? All right,

Elmo, I've told you. Told me what?

What have we just been talking about?

Well, I can't remember.

It's so absurd that I've blanked it from my memory.

See you, Elmo.

No, you won't.

I thought I could trust you. I thought you were my friend.

That's why I told you, you puddin'. Have you ever heard such a pack of vicious

lies in all your life?

I think he was telling the truth.

Right, that's it. You're banned.

I work here.

And it's because I work here that I've seen Paulette at work.

Ten seconds after she found out you were weighed down with opal.

And now she's playing you for a fool with another man. Can't you see it?

I'll tell you what I see, miss.

You're jealous too.

Of her?

You couldn't wear the clothes she wears.

I wouldn't be feeling dead in the clothes she wears.

Look, just shut up, all right?

Why is everybody talking to me like I'm an idiot?

Because you are.

But you haven't got a mean bone in your body.

I don't want to see you hurt.

I've twigged. What?

You're in love with me.

And you're saying all these rotten things about Paulette just because you

have me.

All right.

Just try trusting your own eyes.

Next time Paulette goes to visit Granny, you pop along too.

I would not demean her myself.

It's all been a terrible mistake, Rocky. I did go to visit Granny.

Granny's don't wear trousers. Now go away.

He just happened to be visiting. I told you, he's a grandson.

Oh, well, in that case, that makes him your brother, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Well, it'll never happen again.

Not with me, it won't. I'm not as stupid as I look. You know you're the only man

for me. Let me prove it.

Oh, first time you haven't had a headache, is it?

You said yourself I'm sickly. Yeah, well, I didn't know how sickly.

Oh, don't you feel anything for me anymore?

Yeah, I do, actually. I don't like you. Now go away.

You want your fur coat back? Yes, I do.

Eat your quitches, you nosy dicks.

Do you want a fur coat?

No, thank you.

It's a real imitation.

No, thanks.

Can I get you anything?

Well, I wouldn't mind a cup of cocoa.

We haven't got any.

Well, I won't have anything.

She wasn't worth it.

The idea of her was.

He's just thrown Paulette out.

I hoped he would.

Shut the shop up, Leslie, eh?

I don't know what to say to him.

It's all right, you go home.

I'll take on the night shift.

Hello, mate.

You're banned.

Don't be silly.

Yeah, well, that's what I am, innit? Double bloody silly.

Do you want a fur coat?

No, thanks.

Well, don't you sit there holding it.

No. No, I know. I'll use it as a drying -up cloth. That'll teach her.

I followed Paulette down the mobile home park, you know.

Horrible way to find out. I think I'll buy myself a pair of roller skates.

Why? Just get up speed and shoot off over some cliff.

I don't have the nerve to just jump.

Look, you don't bounce back by roller skating off the edge of a cliff, Elmo.

Not unless you've got a trampoline at the bottom.

Tell the truth, Jacko. Am I the most stupid person you've ever met?

Of course you're not.

Well, who's more stupid, then?

Well, there's millions of people. Why?

Well, I just don't like to think I was taken in easily by Paulette.

Don't worry yourself on that score. We were all taken in.

What, even you?

Yeah, I was taken in for a long time.

Oh, that makes me feel a bit better.

What would you really like, Elmo?

Well, I'd like a cup of cocoa, but we haven't got any.

No, I mean in life.

Think of your ideal set -up and go for it.

I know what my perfect set -up would be. It would be me back in me old pub

behind the bar with Rose upstairs.

In her mauve negligee and green face pack.

Yeah, shouting at me all the time, not cooking me dinner.

I'm sorry, Elmo, but I can't see that that's your perfect set -up. Well, at

least I'd have somebody.

Hey, excuse me. I'm just going to get my writing pad.

It... You're not going to write a will, are you? No, I'm going to write a

letter. Be back in a minute.

Hello.

Mum, how lovely to see you. Well, sit down.

It's all pink.

Yeah, afraid so.

I popped round to your place and they said you were here.

The thing is, I've been thinking about the other night and what you said.

Well, what bit of what I said?

My driving down to the country at night.

Well, I came up for a concert, you see, and, well... Oh, you're right about

those narrow, dark roads and things running out in front of one.

So, um... Not to put too fine a point on it, I'm looking for somewhere to rest

my weary head.

Are you very weary?

Not especially.

I'll take the sofa, of course.

Oh, of course.

Right, then.

Oh, I'm sorry, Maud. What?

I can't tonight. There's this mate.

What mate?

Well... Thanks, Jacko.

See you later.

Yeah.

I see.

Oh, no, no. No, she means tomorrow. That's not the mate.

And neither am I, mate.

You don't have to stay, Jacko.

Nowhere else I'd rather be, Elmo.

Oh, Tom.

Now, listen, would you mind writing this letter for me? Only me and spelling,

well, it just doesn't understand me.

All right.

Of course I will. Go on, then. Right.

Dear Mad Jack.

Is that Mad Jack in Australia?

Yeah, yeah.

Dear Mad Jack.

No, I've done that, Elmo, look.

Oh, yeah, right.

Hello, this is Elmo speaking.

Please can I have...

My dog, Derek, back.

Oh, Elmo.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, you are nature.

You are nature.

You are nature.

You are nature.