Original subtitles

Oh, thanks to you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Whoa.

Whoa, yeah.

You've made a fortune being a window cleaner, yeah?

You've made long ladders.

It is not legal, is it?

Well, granted, it has a certain historical grace.

But at the end of the day, Dean, would we swap it for our little house?

Yes, Eric, we would.

Now, if the Queen answers, we've come to the wrong place.

Because we're moving amongst the knobs.

Don't you go groveling. You're rolling in old pools.

You're as good as anybody else. I know that. I know that.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, sir. May I help you?

We're not gatecrashers. We have been invited, sir.

Oh, I'm sure you have been, sir. I was wondering if we had any formalities to

through, sir.

Oh, no, just drive straight on up to the house, sir. No checks of any sort?

Well, I did have a chemical dip across the road when I said that foot -and

-mouth scare, but I don't suppose you've got foot -and -mouth, have you?

No, I bloody have!

As a matter of fact, my private chiropodist said he'd like to put my

exhibition. And he has his nails done.

Don't the two of you rattle around in a big place like this, Giles?

Oh, no.

Mind you...

Gloria did keep getting lost the first few days, but we've got a system with

hunting horns now.

You enjoy married life, do you, Giles? Oh, yes.

Nanny always promised me I'd marry a fairy princess, and I did.

That's Gloria all over, that is.

Absolutely.

Planning a family at all, are you? Oh, yes.

We fully intend to fill the house with children.

Will you have your work cut out? There's 56 bedrooms.

Ah, there's the door.

Don't you have a squad of butlers to do that sort of thing?

Well, there is old Ranford, but he's gone deaf and I don't like to bother

How many staff have you got?

Thirty -six.

Elmo, how good of you to come.

Oh, honoured, sir.

Come inside.

May I present Miss Paulette Spinks, my companion of honour.

Very charming.

Likewise.

The, um, girl dropped dead. If you'd like to have a nose round, Paulette.

sight.

She certainly is, Elmo.

Right then, chaps.

Drinks in the gun room. I'm deeply honoured again, sir.

Oh, do come down to earth, Elmo. Charles is just a mate.

Don't you talk to me about etiquette. Look at you. You're like a couple of

scruff bags.

A couple of red socks.

Oh, yeah.

We could get our own house in this room.

And my flat.

That's one of the only drawbacks, really.

If you want to open a window at night, it's never such a long walk.

So how much does a place like this run to, Gloria?

Why? You thinking of getting Elmo to buy you one?

If he wants to.

What's through that door, Gloria?

coming out to play at Wembley every night. You know, a separate dressing

I can't wait for that as soon as I've got here.

For the first few weeks of our marriage, my Eric got into his pyjamas behind the

wardrobe door.

Jackal's not like that.

No.

It's funny having your own vegetables.

It's funny not going to the greengrocer.

Sandy, though, you could withstand a three -year siege with this lot.

Carrot grew a carrot.

Once.

What? Just the one.

There was supposed to be a whole run of them. It was next door's cat.

Ironic, that. His name was Tiddles.

Oh, no, look at that.

It's Wells Fargo.

Whoa!

Hey, look at me, look at me!

Tex, partly.

We're just popping down to the lake and back, pumpkin.

Try telling him.

It's a shame, though, Jimmy didn't come home last.

But he did. He did her handbag.

He's having a sleep in his little hammock. Oh, don't start that again.

He'd be very kind again.

No. I'm sorry he couldn't, Pop. He's got a job interview today.

Yeah, he's gone for a job in a match factory.

Humping matchboxes about.

All at the time, of course. On his little back.

Oh, blimey.

I mean, oh, blow.

I've got this couple of flowers for my dinner table.

Lunch table.

How's he having all this land?

Yeah. Think of all the carrots he could grow.

I'll cluck you one in a minute.

I wonder how they mow all the grass.

Oh, Charles has got a 20 -foot fly mow.

Pulled by six shy horses.

He took them useless.

Oh, what's on them?

Hello. Is Giles about?

No, he's gone off in the track with Tex.

Oh. I don't know him.

Are you a house guest?

No, more of a day tripper, really.

Oh.

Well, look, I'm in a frightful rush. Could you give him a message for me?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Thanks.

Point to point next Saturday.

Tell him the vet says that Tarzan is officially clear of the cough, so he has

arrived.

Oh, Jane will be pleased.

Jane who?

Never mind.

Probably a working -class joke, that one.

Oh.

Right you are, then.

Right. Well, shall I say you gave the message, or just say a vision on

horseback?

Maud.

Jacko.

Cheerio, then.

Cheerio.

I like horses, all right.

Gloria, you look like an advert for gracious living.

Do I open my mouth? Yeah.

Yeah.

Look, I just wanted a quiet little word with you.

How are things going?

Hyper -wonderfully.

You are being a good girl, aren't you, Gloria?

I don't know what you mean.

You know what I mean, Gloria.

I'm a married woman.

I never thought you before.

There must be half a dozen brawny retainers knocking about the place.

There are.

But I haven't noticed them.

Well, how do you know they exist then?

That way, I mean.

I can't really explain it, Jacko, but it's as if all my little urges have

into one big one.

Ever since I married Josie, I've been totally celibate.

Are you sure you've got the right word?

No, I haven't, have I?

Don't know, Ray.

I'm really happy for you, Gloria.

Thanks, Jacko.

Your little urges.

My little urges have dropped me right in it.

But you can't be expected to marry a girl just because you've... Had it all.

Exactly, Pumpkin. What do you think?

Oh, yes, yes, very nice, huh?

Yeah, but you don't know Lucia's parents, do you?

They're very nice, but they are Sicilian.

A bit old -fashioned in their ways.

Tend to insist on being right all the time.

The funeral masons, you know.

Well, I think it's disgusting.

Two young people expressing themselves and getting punished for it.

I think it was their winery that did it.

Is that what made you express yourself?

No.

I think it's what made me admit it to her father.

It's positively medieval.

That's the sort of thing that used to happen on the estate, you know.

Oh?

Generations ago, probably.

If a farmer's daughter lost her, you know what, to one of the local lads,

that was it.

Marriage or a blast up the bum from Daddy's shotgun.

Charles.

What? Well, not to put too fine a point on it, I was not the first local lad.

Have you finished, Mrs Pettyjohn?

Well, I was going to baby bio your houseplant.

No, you can leave that.

Off you go, Mrs Pettyjohn.

Here's your money.

Thank you, Miss Bainbridge.

Same time next week, then? No, I shan't be meeting you any more.

Mummy's coming home.

Oh.

I thought I'd found a nicer job here.

Well, you haven't.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Hello, Mummy.

How was the holiday?

Wonderful. Just wonderful.

Oh, good.

Is Marcello with you? Yeah, he's paying the taxi.

Oh, good.

Leslie, how are you?

Very well, thank you. And Marcello? Yes, Carla? You don't have to go straight

away, do you? Oh, could I?

Why don't I take you to lunch, huh? No, thanks. I've eaten.

Marcello was talking to me, Leslie.

Oh, sorry.

That's a lovely idea.

Somewhere quiet.

Somewhere nice.

We have so much to remember of our days together.

Yes, we have.

By the way, I've got a message for you from Mr. Morella. Oh, which one?

Your brother.

Which one?

Lucia's father.

He wanted you to phone him as soon as you got back.

Ah, may I use the telephone, please? Yeah, of course.

Well, I must say you're looking very well.

He's a lovely man, Leslie.

Yeah. I'm sure he is, in his own way.

What do you mean, in his own way?

Well, in a fun -for -a -fortnight sort of way.

No, Leslie, that's the way you think.

Veronica, I'm sorry. We must put lunch on ice.

Oh, dear, what happened? I must go to a family meeting.

Well, is anything wrong?

I don't know, but when it's a family... Yes, of course.

I will phone you as soon as I can. Ciao, Carla.

Ciao, Leslie. Goodbye.

I think I'll unpack.

So much for Carla.

Now, look, Leslie. I'm just saying.

It seems rather odd that one minute it's a romantic lunch and then one phone

call and he's reeled in by the family like a fish with no fight in him. It's

their tradition.

That doesn't mean you have to put up with it, does it? I'm not putting up

anything. If you say so.

Mummy, it's your happiness I'm concerned with. Are you really, Leslie?

Oh, yes, of course.

Now that Daddy's gone, we've only got each other.

Yeah, maybe.

We have to look after each other.

Well, I must say you've kept the house very nice.

Well, I do try.

Here.

I thought you were going to steam round and see Mr Morella the minute we got

home. Yeah, but I've been thinking. To go round to a father's house and tell

that his daughter isn't exactly the fairy on the top of the Christmas tree,

well, not being a gentleman, is it?

Since when have you been a gentleman?

Personally, I would marry Lucia.

Why? Well, first of all, I like living.

And let's be honest, if you don't marry her, you could well end up as a piece of

cold salami in a delicatessen window.

It's just fear.

I know.

But there would be compensations.

Lucia's very fond of you.

She'd make a good wife.

And let's be honest, she is a bit of a cracker, isn't she?

Yeah, I suppose she is, yeah.

There's no suppose about it.

I mean, she is beautifully assembled.

When she wore that red dress and her brief... Oi, oi, oi, oi!

Your wife is in this room.

A man can't help having eyes, Jean.

You'll have black eyes if you keep this up.

Well, are you going round there or not?

Yeah. I don't want to end up running a Trattoria.

Don't want to father 82 children.

Don't want to listen to Pavarotti morning, noon and night.

And I certainly don't want to be forced into supporting Italy in the next World

Cup.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mr Morella.

Yes, nice to meet you.

Hang on a minute.

It's Mr Morella for you.

Well, it is a coincidence.

Oh, no, it isn't. They know.

Hello, Mr Morella.

Well, I've been very busy lately.

What, now?

Yeah, I'll pop round.

A river dirty.

He wants to see me.

Oh, God.

What about?

He wouldn't say.

Oh, God. But I want to see him, so it all fits, doesn't it? Oh, God.

Oh, shut up.

Right, about this red dress.

Oh, God.

Hello, chaps.

Jacko.

Nobody's in a very smiling mood today, are they?

There are days to be smiling. There are days to be serious.

This is a serious day, is it?

Very serious.

Deadly serious.

Hello, Marcello.

Have a good holiday.

It is something I will never forget.

A lot of chaps about here today, isn't there?

Family business.

Really? What sort of business?

Family.

We are waiting for our eldest brother to tell us what to do.

Actually, I've come to see Mr Morella myself.

I know.

Nice hotel, was it?

I should go in about you, Jaco. There isn't much time.

I'll best go in, I.

Vivas.

Come in, Jaco.

Hello, Mrs. Morella.

Hello, Mrs. Morella. You poor boy.

Pardon? I am so sorry it should come to this.

What this?

Yes. Yeah, but why is it?

Goodbye.

Sit down, Jaco.

Thank you, Mr. Morell. A glass of wine?

No, thank you. No, thank you.

What is the gathering of the clans?

Yes.

We are all furious.

Shine.

Jaco, I have to say what I have to say.

What do you have to say, Mr. Morella?

I like you, Jacko.

Oh, that's nice.

And because I like you, I am very sorry for what must happen.

Your marriage to my daughter cannot be.

Lucia!

Hello, Jacko.

Hello, Lucia.

Lucia, faces to faces, tell him.

I tried to trick you into marriage once, Jaco, and I can't do it again.

I've told my father the truth of the matter.

There was somebody before you.

Was there?

And this is the one my daughter must marry, even though I hate him.

You baffle me, Mr Morella. When you thought it was me, you didn't hate me.

Oh, because you have manners.

At least you took the trouble to call at the house. You brought flowers.

You sat with the family. You talked to Grandma.

Very nice, that. Very nice.

Coming on, isn't it?

This other creature, we haven't even met him.

All he did was diddle in the night and run away.

And you want him to marry Lucia?

It is the way.

You've regressed, Mr. Morella.

Needs me thinking you were becoming modern.

I tried, but it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I shouldn't think Lucia's too chuffed about it.

What's got to be has got to be, Jacko.

So, first we find him, we know his name and where he lives, then we educate

him in our ways, then ding -dong, wedding bells.

Lucia, look after your mother, look after your grandmother and the VAT.

Jaco, I am very sorry. You are not going to be my son.

We could have been good friends.

Que sera, sera.

Bravo!

Avanti!

Avanti!

Avanti.

Avanti.

Well, that's the end of another chapter in your book, Jaco.

You were a book in yourself, Lucia.

Some of it a very nice read.

I suppose.

If I hadn't been Sicilian.

Well, you probably would have been Chinese and I'd have had tongue trouble.

Yeah, but say we'd met normally and there hadn't been any pressure on you.

What do you think would have happened?

Well, I'd probably got a blip on my radar screen.

Then I'd have homed in and I'd have said something really sophisticated like,

would you like to come out with us?

And what then?

Then? Then I'd have took you on the rounds of all the exhibitions of

and such like and then...

What do you think, Lucia?

Would you have ever thought of wanting to marry me?

Now, how can I put this?

What's the word?

No. That's a word.

That's what I thought.

No.

It's not a thought in you, it's me.

See, there are two things that dominate my life.

One, well, you know about that. And the other one is itchy feet.

Now, you, well, for any normal bloke, you'd be quite a catch.

You're fun to be with. You'd be a great homemaker and... Well, physically,

you're bordering on the exotic.

Oh, I'm not exotic.

You are.

You give off a sort of... Mmm, a... sort of thing.

Do I really?

Yeah, when I first met you, I looked into your eyes and I... Yeah?

I'd better be going, would you?

Here, this fella that your family are hunting down, the one that you're going

have to marry, I'm glad you fancy him.

No, I don't.

Well, how can you be so calm about it?

Well, I don't think they're going to find him.

Your dad knows his name and where he lives.

He knows his name is Jones and he knows he lives in Wales.

That's all.

You little rascal.

This is for Jacko's celebration.

What do you think?

Oh, fantastic.

Why, thanks, Leslie.

I mean it looked ridiculous.

Well, Giles had eight of these.

Well, that's in a country house.

Too big.

If anyone tried to lean across the table for an intimate conversation, they'd

set light to their hair.

Well, how about if I had little miniature ones?

No. Oh, chisel.

Well, I like it, Rocky.

I think you've got exquisite taste. Well, I must have to end up with a bit

I mean, with a companion of honour like you.

You don't know what it does to me when you talk like that.

What does it do, Paulette? What does it do?

Makes me wish I didn't have quite so many a day.

Yeah, you do have a lot of those, don't you?

Do you know what I reckon it is? I reckon it's the London air.

Right, that does it. You're having a country house whether you like it or

Oh, now look what I've done.

You're going all male domineering on me now.

Well, I suppose I am just like that. It's having you as my cuddly little

I suppose.

Shall I chuck a bucket of water over them?

Some nights they play hide and seek in here.

Horrible. I'm cuddling my little bunny, Jacko.

I might be a little country bunny soon.

Really? Hello.

Hello, Mummy.

Hello, Leslie.

Come and sit there. Oh, thank you.

Now, how was your holiday?

It was a dream, Jacko.

Followed by a rude awakening when you got home.

I've told you, Leslie.

Family business is very important to Sicilians. I'm sure Marcello will be

as soon as he can.

Oh, I shouldn't bank on it, Veronica. He's gone to Wales.

Wales?

Why?

Well, it's a sort of manhunt, really.

Well, the reason I'm having this off -the -hook celebration is that the

found out that Lucia had, well, had seen someone before me.

So they've gone off in search of him.

Savage.

He didn't phone to tell me.

Oh, he will.

I'm sure he will.

I did try to warn you, Mummy. I mean, after all, a man who just goes... Can we

have a bottle of champagne, please, sweetie pie?

Certainly. Cheer up, Veronica.

Here comes winking, blinking and nodding.

Don't twist the knife in, please, Leslie.

I'm just trying to be a comfort.

Nice warm blankets aren't made with barbed wire.

If I'd have said that, she'd have gone for me shins again.

I'll miss you a million times.

And I'll miss you a billion times.

We made up that goodbye for ourselves, Jacko.

Thought we had your mark on it, Elmo.

Where's Paul let off to, then?

off to see her granny.

Oh? Yep, she's all up, my Paulette. Four times a week she goes to see the old

dear.

Does she?

That's nice.

Excuse me, Elmo.

Well, where's Jimmy then, Sandra?

I told you this morning, he's gone for a job interview.

Well, it must be a very high -powered job if the interview lasts 11 and a half

hours. Must have been a language barrier, you know, being a Geordie. They

probably had to get a translator in. Yeah, until we got the Geordie English,

English Geordie dictionary, we couldn't understand a word Sandra was saying.

For your information, the interview was conducted in proper English.

It was in Sunderland. Ah, where's that?

Iceland.

Why stop for a job interview in Sunderland?

Well, that's where his heart is, really. And it's a good job.

And he's got it. He rang me this afternoon.

I suppose it's too much to ask if you'd commute and still work for me, is it?

No. When we're married, we'll live up there.

I won't have no -one to go on honeymoon with.

After just having got out this grape you were in with Lucia, I'd have thought

honeymoons were the last thing you'd be thinking of.

Yeah, you're quite right. From now on, I'm going to keep everything simple.

What are you doing tonight?

Oh, you're my sister, aren't you? Sorry.

as your classes will be ready soon.

Horses do as I say.

I keep thinking you can't lower your tone anymore.

Well, I hate to shout. I'm standing at the bar, ain't I?

Are you all right, Mummy?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Marcello. Hello, Veronica.

I thought you'd gone to Wales.

I couldn't go to Wales, Veronica.

I thought about it and I couldn't go.

Family is important.

But now I have something in my life which is more important.

Oh.

You'd better have a glass of champagne, mate.

Yeah, could we have another glass, please, Leslie?

You

know

what made you chase after Lucia, don't you?

Not that.

It was because she seemed unobtainable.

You know, you worried me sick.

And you aged, Eric. Don't do it again.

All right, all right, I won't, I won't. Don't keep on.

I saw you looking at that girl on the horse this morning.

What girl?

Yes, she was attractive, wasn't she? I know.

She was also very aristocratic, very horsey and very rich.

She probably owns the other half of Hampshire that Gerald doesn't.

In other words, she is an example of what I'm talking about.

Unobtainable. All right, point taken.

Good.

Yeah, I wonder if she likes stock car racing.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Because of you.