Original subtitles

All thanks to you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Mr.

Morella? Hey, my boy, my son.

Ah, yes.

Will you be doing that every time we meet, Mr. Morella? Of course. Now you're

family. You're going to marry my daughter.

Yes. Talking of Lucia, I wonder if I might have a word with her.

The beautiful flower calls the hummingbird to drink her nectar.

Yeah, something like that.

Alone, if possible.

Good. Any time. Now you're engaged.

Love and death.

This is life.

Mustn't forget the death part, must we? Is she in there?

Sit.

All right, Lucia, what are you playing at? I'm not playing at anything.

No? Just give me a flower, she said.

Doesn't mean anything, she said.

Not blood... Not bloody much, it doesn't.

I'll propose him without even knowing it.

Well, you didn't say anything at the time. Well, I couldn't, could I?

I was pinned to the floor under a scrum of your kissing relatives.

And then I was pinned to the wall by your two giant brothers saying things

are you a spectre or else?

Oh, they don't mean any harm.

No, not to you they don't mean any harm.

Right, now, come on, you've had your fun. Go and tell your mum and dad that

was all a big joke.

Why?

I've got to get away from this family of mine. They're stifling me.

I'm not old Sicilian.

I've got to get out.

Oh, cheer.

I am not an escape tunnel.

I'd make you a good wife. I don't want a good wife.

I'm a good cook. I'd keep the house spotless. We are not going to have a

When the children come along, I'll be a good mother.

How many of them are there going to be?

Fifteen? As many as you like. None.

I'm fond of you, Jacko. Oh, thanks.

And I have a very passionate nature.

You know that.

Yes, I have noticed that, Lucia, but that is no basis either. You can't

bloke to lie there and think, Ooh, lovely. When he's been tricked into

in the first place.

Now, please.

Please, come on.

Right, well, I've had enough of this childish conversation.

I made a lovely cake today.

Oh, did you?

Well, eat it yourself.

Look, excuse me, Miss Morello. I wonder if I could have a word. A very serious

word.

Just a minute, Jaco.

Look, I told you, the hoist is broken.

Don't be babies.

Lift the stones off the lorry.

Is that granite?

Yes.

I'm sorry about that, Jocko.

What is this serious thing you want to say?

You know, Mr Morella, I've... I've completely forgotten.

All right, clever clocks.

What would you have done?

Spoken up like George Washington and been turned into a granite sandwich? No.

I wouldn't have been there in the first place. I'd have been at home with my

wife. Blame your Lego, presumably.

Oh, you were a bad -ass family till I was blue in the face. An alarmist, you

call me.

So now you're doing the I told you so, are you? Yeah, I told you so.

Jean!

I can't get over the nerve of this, Lucia.

Neither can I.

Fancy coming up with a scheme like that.

Well, I agree with you, Jean.

Fancy expecting to get away with it.

Are you listening to this, eh? This is my sister talking sex, this is.

Go on.

Gone fancy, expecting to get away with it.

But she has.

Unless you fancy ending up in hospital with all your bones broken.

Is that it?

Yeah, by and large, yeah.

Oh, you're a fat lot, how good you are.

Anyone seen a little yellow door?

You should go and live in Legoland, you should. And take her with you. Don't

turn on us just because you're up to your neck in it.

Well, I could expect at least a little bit of sympathy.

No, you couldn't.

Don't get involved with a mafia, is what I said. They are not. Well, they might

as well be, the size of those brothers.

You just couldn't resist the challenge, could you?

She was so protected by her family, Lucia.

So hard to get at.

And the harder she was to get at, the harder you tried to get at her.

Well, you got her.

And she's got you.

And it serves you right, if you ask me.

He's been heading for this since he was six years old.

It's not an ounce of feeling left in you, Jean.

Oh, I found the door. Oh, well, that solved everything, that has, hasn't it?

That's made all my problems pile into insignificance.

Oh, I'm going now.

I think I'll have a bath.

Yeah.

Now, when you open the champagne, don't turn the place into a shooting gallery.

Ease the cork out.

I'm... how to open champagne, thank you. Well, I totally do. I just said I did.

I do wish she'd be a bit kinder to Paulette, Leslie.

She's a very sensitive girl.

I'm the sensitive one here. Well, I'm the most sensitive.

Look, all I'm trying to do is make sure that your customers get the proper

service.

Your important customer.

He pulled in some more knobs.

I do wish you wouldn't use that expression.

They're croquet people.

Croquet knobs, eh?

I've, uh, I've come down very heavily on her about that, Paulette. Thank you,

Rocky.

It affects my breathing when you call me Rocky.

Does it, Rocky?

I'll take you to shopping tomorrow.

Oh, no, this has got to stop.

You keep buying me things.

I'm loaded.

I know.

Someone who didn't know what I'm beginning to feel for you could simply

down as a gold digger. I'd kill whoever said that.

He's not in here, is he?

No, people.

What are you beginning to feel for me, Paulette?

Sensation.

Blimey, I'm taking you shopping. That's it.

I don't need a fur coat.

Have you got one?

No. Well, you're having one.

Yes, Rocky.

You want to cheer up a bit, Jacko.

Why? Because people looking through the window and seeing your miserable mush

will think you're not having a good time.

I'm not.

Well, I know that, but it's nothing I've done, is it? I mean, couldn't you feel

rotten and still smile out the window?

What, seeing crying on the inside, laughing on the outside at the same

mean? Yeah, if you like.

You haven't thought of anything, then?

I've thought of strangling Lucia.

Just a minute, just a minute!

Here, you're not constipated, are you? No!

Now I'm getting an idea!

Oh, dear, are you?

Something's happened to my brain recently.

Perhaps it's not having to worry about the brewery all the time.

Do you know, I've got ideas just queuing up to get out of my mouth.

All right, Elmo, come on, let's have it. You get Mr Morella round here for a

drink, right? Right.

Then all of a sudden, the door opens and in walks 20 kids.

20 kids?

And they all come up to you and they say, Good night, Daddy.

Good night, Daddy.

Good night, Daddy. Good night, Daddy. Elmo, Elmo, Elmo.

You don't have to say it 20 times.

Well, it's 20 kids.

Yes, I know. Look, we'll take the good night daddies as read, right? Now, why?

Because Mr Morella says...

Cranber, what's all this? What?

Cranber, what's all this?

And you say, oh, didn't I tell you? I've got 20 pence.

I'm not old enough.

Six sets of quads, that's 20.

No, no, no, but go on, go on. Sorry, 18.

Anyway, young chap it is, Mr Mirella is so disgusted, he won't let you marry his

daughter.

Mr Morella doesn't wonder why my 20 kids walk all the way round to your wine bar

to say goodnight to me.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Bill Reddy here. He's staying the night with your Uncle Elmo.

We've decked him out in little pyjamas and teddy bears.

I don't know what to say, Elmo.

Well, you think about it, mate. It's a bloody brilliant idea.

Look, Elmo, in the first place, Mr Morella's not...

I love you, Elmo.

You all right, Rocky?

Yeah, I'm trying to think how you get 20 kids.

Look who's here, eh?

Jacko, our boy.

Yes. Our son.

Lucia is upstairs doing the VAT for the business.

I will call her. Well, actually, it's you I wanted to have a word with.

What can my mother tell you?

Well, it's Mr Morella, more precisely, and it's of a rather delicate nature.

That's the trouble with this house. There's nowhere where the men can be

I will go up and see if Grandma wants anything.

She's not ill, is she? No.

She's watching American football.

She's a big Washington Redskins fan.

Oh, she's... Incenti and Salvatore aren't in, are they?

No, they're at bodybuilding classes.

Oh, good.

So, Jocko, sit down.

Right, thanks. A glass of wine?

Not for me, Mr Morello, no thank you, no.

You're not yourself.

You sound very serious.

Well, I am serious, Mr Morello. I've got something to tell you, and when I've

told you, I'm afraid, well, you might not want me as a son -in -law anymore.

Oh, dear.

I have a past, you see.

And not to put too fine a point on it, I've known quite a few women.

Yes.

Well, when I say known, I mean...

Yes.

Well, when I say quite a few, I mean quite a lot, really.

Hundreds.

No. Why are you telling me this?

Well, doesn't it throw a different light on things? I mean, me being your son

-in -law.

Listen, my son.

Now I am going to tell you something.

In my young days in Sicily, I was known as...

What's that, then?

The postman.

You understand me?

I knocked on many doors.

Yeah,

but as Lucia's father, doesn't it make you disapprove of me?

I'm proud of you!

What do you think I want for my daughter?

Some innocent who knows nothing about women?

Good night, Mr. Morella.

Good night, my young postman.

I was listening.

Oh. You little rascal!

Would you like some more coffee? No, thanks, Leslie.

The cures of any sort? No, thanks, Leslie.

Will you be in tonight, Mummy? No.

I'll take you to your mum at the Covent Garden.

I see.

I'll get the bill.

Your daughter doesn't approve of me, does she?

I do.

I must get back to work.

Shall I walk you back to the office? No, thanks. I'll stroll back later.

See you tonight, then, eh?

Ciao, Veronica.

Thank you for lunch.

Joe Marcello.

I see he's left you to pay the bill.

He'd never do for you, would he?

I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.

The two of you pawing each other all lunchtime.

We held hands over coffee and he kissed me goodbye.

Well, you shouldn't. At my age? Yes.

I'm afraid it gets worse, Leslie.

Marcello and I are going on holiday together.

Holiday?

Can? Well, you won't expect me to believe you're taking single rooms, will

Don't be silly.

Of course not.

But you're my mother.

Be happy for me, then.

Well, how can I be? It's absurd, a woman of your age.

You'll make a complete fool of yourself.

This could end in grief, you know.

Anything else?

Yes. What about me?

Everybody knowing that my mother's gone off with some gigolo.

All you're thinking of is yourself.

I've done for what seems like the last century is look after other people. Your

father, you.

Well, now I'm going to look after me.

I'm not ready to vegetate, Leslie.

When I enter my dotage, I want to do it with a smile on my face because I'll

finally have done some living.

I haven't left a tip, by the way.

And where have you been?

Rocky took me shopping.

Rocky.

Does she look lovely?

It's not real fur, of course, cos Paulette is a very big naturist.

Yes, but Paulette can't get changed and give me a hand.

Er, no.

I beg your pardon?

Paulette is never going to work again.

I'll get you a new girl.

And what's wrong with Paulette?

I've just discovered that she was a very sickly child and she could get a

reaction if she keeps humping things about.

I don't know how it came out, really.

There's a table over there that hasn't been cleared.

Go on.

I don't know.

Jackal skated on thin ice before, but this time he's really gone through it.

And waiting below the murky waters is a killer whale called Lucia.

Went and saw her dead last night, you know.

Why? What for?

Well, Jackal thought if he could blacken his own character, he might get away

with just getting slung out of the house and told never to return.

You know, the multitude of women he's had dalliance with.

Results? Mr Morella likes them even more.

How do you know?

Because the day has not yet arrived when a man can blacken his character by

telling another man of all the women he's had.

I'd never boast about that.

You wouldn't, could you?

You've only ever been out with Jean.

You don't know that, Sandra.

I do.

Jean told me.

Do you want to drink?

Yeah.

Another word, Veronica?

Yeah, of course.

I expect you've heard about this little scrape I'm in at the moment. I've heard

about this huge scrape you're in.

Well, it is serious. Either I marry Lucia or I get murdered.

Please, Veronica, you could help me.

If it's legal, I'll do it.

Well, what I was wondering was whether you could ask Marcello to intercede on

behalf.

I know it's asking a lot.

It's not asking a lot, Jacko.

Oh, good.

It's asking altogether too much.

I see. Something like that could cause lines to be drawn in that family, and I

might not find myself on the wrong side of one.

I'm not prepared to risk losing Marcello.

We're having a very nice time.

I see.

Call me selfish.

No, no, no, no, you're entitled to be.

Well, you know what this means, don't you?

I could end up as your nephew.

If there's anything else I could do.

Well, you could take me paddling on Sunday mornings.

They'd still get you. Don't be daft. Of course they wouldn't. Get who?

You. Who? The International Brotherhood of Morellas.

They've already got me.

Well, they wouldn't if you weren't even in the country, Jacko.

What? The answer.

It's so simple.

If you're not around, they can't do anything for you.

What, emigrate, you mean?

Well, not permanently.

Without you, the whole thing will blow over in a year. Less, I don't know.

Lucia might get her hooks into some other poor soul.

Here is the thought, isn't it? They'd find you wherever you went.

You've got no ties. The world is your oyster.

I've always had a yent to visit Tahiti. I wonder why.

Culture. Ah, they'd have someone there.

It'd be this insignificant -looking bloke behind the counter in the Gauguin

shop. Then, one phone call from London.

I shan't be telling the Morellas I'm going to Tahiti, stupid.

Nevertheless...

Now, I think you've cracked it, Sandra.

Out, away, problem solved.

No more Big Brother is watching you. No more granite sandwiches.

Thanks, Sandra.

That's what you call a better friend, that is.

Get in the lager, Lizzie. Ultimately, I will. I'm very busy.

Gorge your ear.

I'd have looked a right fool if you hadn't turned up.

Well, you had a bet with someone. No.

I've got something to show you, Paulette.

Come on, in you come.

Why? Well, a plan.

I mean, they've got to know who the right bloke is, right?

Ready?

One, two...

You're beyond belief, Elmo.

Oh, no.

Where did you get them all from? All over.

Wasn't easy.

All the mothers held out for ten quid a kid.

That's them stuffing themselves silly in my kitchen.

Oh, dear.

Well, the plan's off, Elmo.

Well, you might have told me.

You're sorry.

Get them out of here, Paulette.

Oh, I am sorry, Elmo.

Twenty teddy bears are bought specially.

20 teddy bears are bought?

You don't want 20 teddy bears, do you, Paulette? Oh, no, thank you. I've

got a very special one.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, it's the only teddy bear I need.

It's big and soft and cuddly.

What's his name?

Elmo Rocky Putney.

I was snappy. I'm fed up.

You spend most of your life being fed up, Leslie.

Yeah, well, why does Elmo want those children to say goodnight, Daddy?

Oh, it's a long story.

One of Elmo's more florid plans.

He's trying to help me out with Lucia.

Oh, you've heard about that, I assume.

Oh, yes.

You've really done it this time.

No, I haven't. No, I've found the solution.

I'm going to take off into the wild blue yonder until the dust settles.

Oh? Where?

Well, I don't know yet.

There's a lot of the world I haven't seen, but the main thing is I'll be

all my problems behind me.

Elmo, I'm taking a break.

Who said you could?

I did.

All right, I'll confirm that.

What are you looking at me like that for?

Take me with you.

What? Well, I've got some problems I'd like to leave behind as well.

I'm certainly not wanted here.

That is a duff idea, Leslie, and you know it.

Well, not necessarily.

We like chalk and cheese.

There have been times when we've been egg and bacon.

Well, I'm not denying that we haven't had the occasional fry -up and

enjoyed it.

But most of the time, Leslie, we are a disaster area.

And I think I know why.

We've always had pressures from people around us here.

Out there, it would be new and fresh.

And hard.

There won't be Concord and Five Star Hotels.

There won't be hot and cold running waiters.

Insects won't go away just because you go... I know.

Jacko, you once told me there was a knife for Leslie inside me trying to get

out.

Couldn't we give her a chance?

You're tempted.

Only to a degree.

What degree?

About 30%. How much?

80, 90%.

Look, Veronica, about this job... Oh, yes, Jacko, it'll always be here for you

when you get back. That's the least I can do.

Well, if no need, I've changed my mind. I'm not going.

What? Well, what are you going to do, then?

Oh, blimey, Leslie.

What's Leslie got to do with it?

Well, she was going to come with me, wasn't she?

You fool!

When are you going to realise Leslie's no good for you?

I'm sorry, Mrs Bean, but she's not.

I know that.

Funny, though.

What is?

For someone who's engaged with somebody else, you seem to be terribly possessive

about what's best for Jacko.

I don't.

Hold up, Leslie.

Hello, Jacko. Hello.

Look, this going off into the wide blue yonder.

It's off.

Oh, that's all right. I couldn't have gone anyway.

Why?

I met Hugo.

Have a word with your brother, Jean.

He's gone completely round a twist.

What have you done now?

I've changed me mind.

He's not going.

Oh, for goodness sake, Jacko. That's easily the best idea that anybody's come

with. That is maybe, Jean.

But if I decide to go to Tahiti or anywhere else in the world, I will go

I want to go, not because I'm being driven out.

I see.

So what's the alternative?

Send the entire Morella family to Tahiti?

No. No, I shall go round to Mr Morella and I shall tell him that his daughter

tricked me into the engagement.

And if she says otherwise, she is a liar. Oh, my God.

I should have done it in the first place.

You'd still be in hospital if that's what you'd done in the first place.

Might not come to violence.

They've even got the headstones, Andy.

I could wish that.

Look, Jacko, why don't you have some tea and think about it?

No, no. I'd better go now before me bottle goes again. Look, Jacko, I am

best mate.

Well, I know that, Eric.

If it wasn't for Jean, I'd go with you.

I think you should.

What?

No, no, there's no need, Eric. If I turn up with someone else, well, it might be

mistaken as being provocative. Yeah, yeah, there is that. There is that.

Right. Once more unto the breach, dear friends.

Once more.

You know what the next line is, don't you?

What? Or fill the wall up with our English dead.

Hello, Jacko.

Hello, Chaps.

We've just been bodybuilding.

Have you really?

You should try it. Yeah. Come on. We're all going together.

You realise what you said to me?

Oh, yes.

You realise what an insult to my family it is if you are lying?

Each and every one of you, Mr Morella.

You realise we would be furious?

Well, that is an understatement, if anything.

Lucia?

Si, Papa.

Stand there.

Si, Papa.

Now, answer me truthfully.

Did you trick this man into proposing marriage?

No, I didn't.

You might as well tell the truth, Lucia, because I'm not going to marry you,

whatever happens.

Right, I did trick him.

What did you say?

I tricked him.

Lucia.

Why?

Oh, Papa.

I'll tell you why, Mr Morella.

You're very nice people, all of you, very nice people, but you're living in

time warp.

You come here to start a new life, but you bring all your old ways with you.

Lucia, she's a modern young woman.

You can't expect a change every time she comes through the front door.

You can't lock her away from her social life, because if you do, well, she'll

try something even more stupid than what she tried with me.

Just to get out.

Jocko?

What do you say we have a glass of wine?

No. I can't say I entirely agree with you about the old values, but maybe

given me something to think about.

Either way, it was brave of you to say it. Well, it could have been suicidal.

I like you, Jaco. I'm sorry you're not going to be my son.

Ah, you're the first parent who's ever said that to me.

Most of them never catch you, eh?

Did you make love to Lucia?

Mr. Morella.

No.

You tell me to be modern, I'm trying.

Don't I deserve the truth?

Yes, yes.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Now I will tell you something. What happened?

I'm not modern yet.

You are my son again.

Be because of me.

Be because of me.