Original subtitles

All thanks to you, these things I do,

because of you,

because of you.

I

don't

understand you, Lucia. When you're indoors, you're like a shy violet. Get

outside and you're like a passion flower.

It's the Sicilian way.

Well, there must be a lot of confused Sicilian blokes.

Oh, I can't tell you what a relief it is to express myself.

I mean, I love my family dearly, but where men are concerned, they're... Not

this century.

Exactly.

Well, I've enjoyed you expressing yourself with me.

Come on. I promised your dad I'd have you in by ten o 'clock. And if I don't,

won't let me take you out again.

You mean you want to see me again?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Come on, Cinderella.

Two seconds to go, Mr. Morella.

I know.

Good boy, Jacko.

Lucia?

Good night, Jacko.

Thank you for a pleasant evening.

Good night, Lucia.

The page has been entirely mine.

I'd like to take Lucia out again, if I may, Mr. Morella.

Yes, you may.

I'll call ten next time.

Ten o 'clock. Right. Good night.

One moment.

I have been thinking about my brother.

Which one of the seven would that be?

The third, Marcello. Oh, yeah. You know, he'd been a widower for three years.

I also have been thinking about your lady boss, Mrs. Bainbridge.

She is a widow.

You little rascal.

What is life but a man and a woman?

My theory exactly.

Maybe... Maybe you and I could become two Cupid.

Yes. Nice people should not be alone.

Leave it to me, Mr. Morella. I'll get some feathers on me new arrows.

Buonanotte.

Buonanotte.

Hello, Gloria.

Hello, Jacko.

Been out?

Yeah, she had to be in by ten o 'clock.

Have a thought?

Well, not really. I need me beauty sleep these days.

Don't we all?

Good evening. Can I get you something?

Gloria?

No, thank you. I'm fine.

Lager and a wine glass, please.

Wine and wine glass?

It's the governor's orders.

Oh, him.

You're new here, aren't you? Yeah, Paulette.

Died yesterday.

It's robbing in here, isn't it?

Waitressing is waitressing, wherever you waitress.

Yeah, quite, yeah.

Lager in a wine glass.

Yeah.

So what are you doing here then, Gloria?

Waiting to be picked up.

Gloria. I have got a date.

Oh, sorry.

No chance of you and Reg getting back together again then?

Quite the contrary, actually.

He's filed.

Not for divorce?

Well, it's not his nails.

rounds of adultery.

Well, you won't be contesting that, will you?

No, I can't really.

Mind you, adultery's not the word I'd use.

What word would you use, Gloria?

Friendship.

I know he's your brother, but I still maintain it's his fault.

He went back on night, and I told him not to.

Is he still lobster fishing in Ilfracombe?

No. Evidently he's gone to Circe on a geological expedition.

Ridge doesn't know anything about rocks.

No, he's doing the teas.

Teas? Well, cook then.

So who are you meeting tonight then?

Imran Khan.

Not the... No.

Terry Bilston.

I met him up the fair.

He's a wizard at shooting corks.

I had a teddy bear once.

What do you call him?

Marilyn.

You don't have gold teddy bears.

Oh, I did.

So, er, what did he do, this Terry Bilston?

He's a dispatch rider.

He's virtually inseparable from his Kawasaki.

What did you have to do? Did you have to prize him off with a crowbar?

Nice float.

Oh, yes.

Very nice.

Really.

We're the bike.

Oh, Terry.

I'd like you to meet my brother -in -law, Jacko.

Hello. There you go. Now, come on. We'll miss the main battle.

Where are you going, Gloria?

Mud wrestling.

Is he really the best you can do?

No.

Joss was the best I could ever really do.

Bye, Jacko.

Oh, Dano, why do I always get people like that? I mean, this place, I ought

be attracting the in crowd.

That was the 60s.

Well, what happened to them? They all aged.

Who's the new lot?

I don't know. I suppose it's those yuppies. You know, Sloane Rangers, that

Where'd you get them from?

Well, you don't buy them from a shop, Elmo.

What you... What you need in here is a hook.

We'll look around you.

Yes, yes, yes. Now, I mean a person.

Someone. He'd get one and the rest all follow.

Who is one?

Well, Leslie's one and she's looking for a job.

She'd soon pull in all those yahoos from her tennis club. Oh, no, I've had

summer, Leslie. She's prickly.

That's when you had a common pub setting.

Now, well, now you've got a wine bar.

Yes.

Well, of course, I personally have come on a bundle since I've come back from

Australia. I'm certainly more sophisticated.

Everyone's noticed that.

Mate to mate, is this a serious suggestion?

Well, it wasn't at first, Elmo.

But the more you think about it, the more you realise that Leslie could be an

asset. What, her body, you mean?

Her class. Class, class, that's what I meant.

Yes. I think I'll get in touch with her.

I know. I'll send her a dozen nighties to smooth the path.

Elmo, you must get this nightie business out of your head.

Write her a nice letter.

No, no, no, I don't want to do that. I don't have much luck with my spelling.

Ring her up.

I could ring her up.

It's a great idea, Elmo.

Thanks, Jack. Have another lager.

Yeah, but I want it in a proper glass this time.

Yeah. What the hell? Every place a repute has an eccentric customer.

Yes, Mr Carter, I do agree that there's a lot to discuss. What about a lunch?

Dinner?

No, I don't think Mrs Carter would feel very happy about that.

Unless you meant dinner at your home with Mrs Carter and the three little

Carters, Mr Carter.

No, I didn't think you meant that.

Fine, we'll do it by post then. Bye.

Why do married men translate widow as fair game, Sandra?

Because they're not very good at being married men, I suppose.

Thanks. Mind you, for a widower to want to meet an eighth widow for dinner,

well, very natural.

Will you shut up about Mr Morella's brother, Sandra?

I didn't mention him. Well, how many other widowers do you happen to know?

You've got to get out more.

What, with a perfect stranger?

Well, everyone's a perfect stranger the first time they meet.

Could we drop the subject? No.

You must have some work to do.

They're really romantic Italian men.

Marcello.

Think of Marcello Mastroianni.

Oh, now that would be different.

There you are, you see? You agree in principle.

I didn't agree to anything of the sort. Don't! Marcello Mastroianni is a

fantasy. Marcello Morella is... is... is... Is what?

I don't know him! You never will at this rate.

Hello, Veronica.

Don't you start!

Oh, that's lovely, that is. I pop in to get a roll and I think, while I'm here,

I'll just pop in and say, Hello, Veronica.

Thought any more about going out with Mr Morella's brother? And I'll get shouted

at. She's agreed in principle, Jacko.

Has she?

Boy, that's a step forward, isn't it? She has not!

Now, will you do me a favour and keep your noses out of my personal life?

We care about you. I know.

I know you do.

Nanny. Jacko, I am 40... thing years old.

That's all right. That was Marcello. It's all so teenage, you're getting

up with somebody's friend.

Well, I'd do it if I were in your position.

You don't know, Sandra. You haven't lived long enough.

You're not an ancient monument.

Yeah, but if you carry on like this, Veronica, you soon will be.

What if I don't like him?

He might not like you.

Oh, thanks.

Not all we're saying. I know there's an element of chance, but just dip your toe

in the water again, that's all.

Oh, I don't know.

I'll give him your phone number and he can ring you up. Oh, no. My memory's not

completely gone.

Give a bloke your phone number before you know him and he can turn into an

absolute pest.

I know Jackal did.

No. Will you ring him?

What do you think of me if I did that?

Ah, so you already care what he thinks? No!

A blind date on neutral territory, that's the answer. Oh, I see. We turn up

a copy of the Times under our arms, do we? We'll turn up with a big sign on

head saying, I am Veronica, if you like. Just do it.

You're wavering.

Go on, Veronica.

Waver.

Waver.

If it's a disaster...

Springs Thunderbolt.

Oh, yeah.

Not many people know how to mix these, you know, but then I've always been

blessed with a pair of sensitive hands.

Table seven, Paul Epley. Thank you.

Oh, yes, of course.

Hello, Leslie.

How dare you leave obscene messages on my answer phone?

supposed to mean?

I'm offering you a job.

Here? Yeah.

Working for you?

Yeah. I made the mistake of working for you once before. It was the apogee of my

life. What?

The pit to you.

Oh, that was in a crude pub.

And you were the crudest thing in it.

I adjust myself to my social position, Leslie. I mean, you can't be crude in a

place like this.

Is that a fact?

Well, I'm sorry I accused you of being obscene.

I should have said absurd.

Good evening.

It'll be 300 a week.

How much? Basic.

Are you drunk?

No. Me dog found me opals in Australia, didn't he? I'm loaded.

Money's no object.

And then his commission.

For what?

Favors.

Just what sort of favors did you have in mind? Well, you bringing in the sort of

customers I want. You know, your tennis set.

Class. The half -crown voice mob.

25 quid per customer, there you are.

Well, I certainly know people.

Of course you do, of course you do. I mean, I know people too, but they're not

worth anything.

And then there's the commission on the champagne.

Two quid, cash in the hand for every bottle you sell.

It's a good offer, Leslie. You won't find better.

Well, I do have a lot of other irons in the fire, of course, but, er... Well, I

could give it a try. Great!

One condition.

Any part of my anatomy is out of bounds to you. I shall treat you as a shrine,

Leslie. I won't wear pink.

Well, you have to.

I won't. No, you don't. You wear whatever you like that pulls the knot.

All right.

A trial period.

Oh, hello, Leslie. What are you doing here?

I have just accepted the offer of a job.

The one I've got to get. I'm not going to come and rescue you if you don't like

it. I know.

I've grown up, Mummy.

I realise that my qualifications don't actually qualify me for anything, but a

job I had to take, so I took this one, however poorly paid.

Well, when I see your first pay split, we'll decide how much you can afford to

pay at home.

Yes, all right.

Hello, Veronica.

You're looking very Pierre Cardigan.

Can I get you something?

I'll have a gin and tonic, please.

Right.

Incidentally, Veronica, I've noticed now that you've started getting out again,

you do make a beeline for here.

You're not going to sit here drinking on your own.

Oh, yeah, and by 11 o 'clock, I shall be sitting on that bar stool singing Ten

Cents a Dance.

You know what I mean. Yes, I do, and I shall be.

I'm meeting somebody.

Oh, anyone I know? Mr Morella's brother, Marcello.

What's he like? I don't know.

It's a blind date.

Mummy! You're far too old for that sort of thing.

That's all I need to bolster my confidence. I'm nervous enough as it is.

You won't go anywhere, will you?

Well, I'm not staying here all evening.

You don't know anything about him. Oh, no, I know.

Oh, God.

What if he turns up with a Chico Marx hat on?

Mrs. Bainbridge? Yes?

Good evening.

I'm Marcello Morello.

This is ridiculous.

There are so many circuits in here, it's like a bad case of varicose veins.

The battery's gone.

Underneath. What?

Underneath.

I look in, can you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you can, yeah.

Fancy another cup of tea? No, thanks.

Think I'll have one.

Has got it. What was wrong with it, then?

A bit of coding circuit went firing.

Ah.

Any tea in the pot?

Yes. Another ten o 'clock curfew?

Yes. You haven't got it to ten fifteen yet?

No.

All right. All right. What's amusing you, Jean?

Oh, it's just the thought of you having to play by someone else's rules for a

change. Not between seven and ten, we don't.

Oh, you put some new batteries in. I was going to do that.

Oh, no, no, it wasn't the batteries.

No? What was it, then? Eric said it was the, um, coding circuit.

Oh, the coding circuit.

Oh,

they're tricky little things, they are. Well done, well done.

You're both invited to Lucia's birthday party, by the way. Oh, isn't it?

No, no, I don't think that's a very good idea, really.

Why? Well, we don't want to go caught in trouble, do we, Jean?

I mean, if that... family ever finds out that you and Lucia ever do anything

more than hold hands, there'll be a Sicilian vendetta and I don't want to be

anywhere near it.

It's only a birthday party, not the St Valentine's Day massacre.

No, no, no. I don't think we ought to go.

Wait a minute.

No, no.

No, we must go.

Because if we don't turn up, they might be offended and then, or they could just

say, oh dear, never mind.

You take the other night at the Chinese.

All I did was make a very mild joke about Mousy Tongue. And Mr. G knew what

was doing.

He was chopping up spare ribs. He didn't move.

No, no, we'd better go.

Only, don't let me have too much to drink. I don't want to do anything

All you ever do when you've had a few is want to tap dance.

Well, they might hate it.

They'd love it.

It would be fun.

Veronica's coming. Veronica?

Oh, of course you don't know, do you?

She's had a few dates with Mr Morella's brother, Marcello.

Ooh.

Oh, I'm ever so glad.

Cos she's still got a lot to give.

Or receive.

I think it's terrible.

Is that a moral judgement, Eric?

No! We work for her.

If she does anything wrong, they could open up a second front.

Hey, you know how paint goes up in a fire?

What fire?

Oh, we're talking about them burning down Bainbridges now.

Well, stranger things have happened.

Only in... your head, Eric.

Eric, will you please forget about this mafia nonsense?

I never said they were.

I'm just trying to defend my family, that's all.

Well, as you're so good at electronic, you can build a subocular alarm.

Who's that?

Well, I'll be original. I'll open the door and find out.

This Lucia business, you will pick your way through the minefield, won't you?

Oh, you know me, Eric. It will take its course.

You couldn't hurry it up, could you?

Hello. Hello, Charles.

Hello, Charles.

Charles has come to say goodbye.

Yes, we've been posted to Germany. I'm on embarkation leave.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Charles, we'll miss you. We don't get too many

cavalry officers round Motspur Park.

I'll miss you too.

You've been very kind. You maybe feel almost like one of the chaps.

Well, we're all the same people, aren't we?

Will you be taking your polo ponies with you?

Oh, yes.

Well, how about a farewell drink? I've got some lagers in the fridge.

That's very sweet of you, Jean, but I did just pop in to say toodaloo.

Charles, sit down.

Thanks very much.

Oh, that's Eric's. Is that yours, Eric?

Jack, I wonder if I could beg a favour. Would you mind giving this letter to

Gloria for me? Yes, of course.

I'll tell you what it says.

No need to, if it's private.

What's in it, then?

Well, it's just to let Gloria know that I'll never forget her and I'll always

think of her with the greatest affection and if only things had turned out

differently and so on. What, you really love her? Yes, Jean, she has my heart.

Charles, I think you ought to give that to her yourself.

No, no, couldn't, couldn't.

You know.

One tries to play life with a straight bat.

Gloria, the married woman.

Charles, sit down, sit down.

Gloria? He's going to get a divorce.

My God.

I'll get over there straight away.

Don't do that, Charles, no. Because she could be, well... Washing her hair?

Having an early night.

No, it's no good.

My blood's up.

It's understandable, Charles. But when you approach Gloria, you've got to do it

with panache.

With style.

You've got to be romantic.

Super idea.

What shall I do?

Well, I don't know.

Oh. They'll think of something.

There's murder in our hills.

What are we doing here anyway?

You'll find out.

Gloria.

Tell us something.

I want to know how to comport myself, don't I?

Good luck, Gloria.

With what?

With life.

You haven't gone all mystical.

Where are you going?

Oh!

Hello, Pumpkin.

Jos!

I want you to be my wife.

Oh, Josie.

I'd love to, but me and the Royal Scots Greys will never see eye to eye.

They won't have to.

I'll resign my commission.

Nobody's ever done anything like that for me.

We'll farm in Hampshire.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Giles, you know I'd work down a coal mine for you if you asked me to.

But farming?

I'd just be a liability again.

I mean, milking, shearing and plucking.

Well, I ever was with the hairdresser.

Oh, silly pumpkin.

We won't do any actual work.

I'll just oversee things occasionally and devote the rest of my life to making

you happy.

I've gone all yewdy.

Let's ride into the sunset, Giles.

It's only three o 'clock.

Walk on, Trumper.

You'll want champagne, of course.

Actually, Leslie, we're beering it at the moment.

Beer drinkers do nothing for me, Adam.

Three bottles of champagne.

You're all coming to Phantom with me, Leslie.

I've sweated blood to get tickets.

We'll see.

Three bottles of champagne.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Listen, if they want to throw bread rolls or anything, that's fine.

They'll do nothing of the sort.

It's all right. You do whatever you think.

You're a schemer when it comes to tops.

I resent schemer. I'm simply proving that when I do a job, I do it

wholeheartedly. It's a matter of principle.

Incidentally, that's £126 commission so far.

Two white wines.

Cheeky chops.

I haven't got cheeky chops.

Oh, you're cheekier than you know. Shut up, you're making me spill the wine.

Are we still going up with after the close?

I'll close early.

No need.

We've got all the time in the world.

Rockies.

Three mixed salads.

I'm afraid we only have vintage champagne, but you won't mind, will you?

No.

Make that vintage.

Brew! Brew!

Leslie, your mother wanted me to give you a message. She won't be home till

late tonight.

No need to ask why.

I think her going out with Marcello is rather romantic.

Well, you wouldn't if you had to get your own supper when you got home.

So, that's the famous Lucia.

Must be.

Right, what can I get you, Lucia?

Vodka and orange, please.

It's odourless.

Good thinking.

Two vodka and oranges, please, Paulette.

To be announced.

Very pretty.

Yes, he is.

It's a shame that so many Latin women have that tendency, though. What

Well, they do tend to balloon very early in life.

Yes, I suppose they do.

She's got lovely hair.

Very thick.

Yes. With the right conditioner, it could be even nicer.

Do you ever notice he finds her very attractive?

Obviously, yes.

Good night, Leslie.

Good night, Sandra.

Can't stop.

Hello. Yes. Who's that?

My bank manager.

Hello. Hello.

Paulette calls me Rocky.

Does she?

She's a beautiful girl, got a beautiful nature, and she likes me.

Oh, Wilma, you've gone all gooey.

I can't help it. You see, she just likes me for meself and not for my money.

You sure about that?

Oh, yes, she told me.

Fix that up as well.

No, I think someone else fixed that up.

I just wondered, because your sister -in -law and her officer and Uncle Marcello

and Mrs Bainbridge, you seem to be doing romantic things lately.

Yeah, I know. And I'm not even on commission.

Would you do something romantic for me?

Well, I would do, Lucia, but I've got to get you home in 18 and a half minutes.

No, at my party tomorrow.

Yeah, of course I will.

No. It's a stupid, silly, old -fashioned idea. Forget it. Oh, come on. What is

this stupid, silly, old -fashioned idea?

Oh, I'm embarrassed now.

I keep saying I just want to be an ordinary English girl, but come a

and I was going to ask you to do this old Sicilian captain.

It's not singing, is it? Because with all the tenors in your house, well, the

competition's a bit stiff.

No, it's something with a flower.

No real significance.

It's just that, well, in the old way, it would be honouring me.

And therefore honouring the family.

All right, I'll do it. Have you seen enough?

No, I don't mind, as long as I don't have to fly out to Sicily, climb a

mountain, pick the flower up and fly all the way back before your birthday.

Now, a rose is a flower you do it with.

It just involves a few simple traditional gestures.

Right, I'll get a flower and we'll have a practice.

Here, Elmo, you haven't got a flower, have you?

I'm looking at her, Jack.

Just a moment everybody, if I could have your attention just for a moment

please.

I'm done.

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