Original subtitles

All thanks to you, these things I do,

because of you,

because of you.

What are you doing sitting in here eating sandwiches when Mrs. Morella has

cooked us stuffed aubergines with a spaghetti sauce under a golden crust of

parmesan cheese for lunch?

Tell her the doctor's put me on a diet.

I'm only allowed to eat corned beef sandwiches while we work in here.

Why?

I'll tell you why.

There's a beautiful daughter called Lucia, and you're after her. And the

you put a foot wrong, her father and her two giant brothers will get very angry.

And I don't want to be anywhere near it, that's why.

You're not involved.

I work with you and I'm your brother -in -law. That's involved enough for people

who come from Sicily.

You're not going on about the Mafia again, are you? Don't say that word!

Eric, do you seriously suggest to me that that knife family are involved in

word I mustn't say?

Not literally, but they might know someone in it. Some Don.

Don't know.

You know very well what I mean. You read the book. You saw the film.

So did everybody else over 150 years ago.

And ever since, everyone's an expert on the Mafia.

Don't say that word!

Oh, Eric, please come down to Earth.

All right.

But even if there are no connections, just answer me this.

How tall are Lucia's brothers?

Nine foot ten.

And what did they do with our van after Mr Morello warned you off, Lucia, the

other day?

They picked it up and put it somewhere else. That's all I need to say anymore.

Look, Eric, I told you I would not be approaching Lucia until I've worked out

proper plan of campaign.

Ah.

Under a golden crust of Parmesan cheese, you say?

Yes.

I'm glad you're coming, Eric. Now I can tell you what my plan of campaign is.

No, I don't want to know!

Jacko, sit down.

Lunch is nearly ready.

Where's little Eric?

Well, he doesn't feel up to it today, Mrs. Morella. He's got a bit of an upset

tummy. That's a shame.

Pig fat and chilli powder's very good for that. I will make some for him. I'll

make sure he takes it.

Thank you.

Actually, Mr. Morella, there was something I wanted to ask... Come on,

If I have to call you again, I will smother your faces.

Sorry, Mama.

Hello, chaps.

So, what did you want to ask me, Jocko?

Well, it... It was about Lucia.

Lucia?

Yes, now, I'm not conversant with the correct traditional form of how I should

approach, so do forgive me if I drop a couple of clangers.

Go on.

Well, what I wanted to ask, Miss Morella, formally, and with the greatest

respect, is may I have the honour... of calling upon your daughter.

Mama.

Do you have any Italian blood?

No.

But I went to Rimini once.

Inter Milan are a good team, aren't they?

Hey?

Yeah.

Juventus, they're very good as well.

Napoli?

Roma?

Charlton?

Mama and I have made a decision.

You may call on Lucia at seven o 'clock this evening.

Thank you very much indeed.

Life is a man... And a woman!

Mercy!

Hello,

Wilma. Hello, Jack.

What are you doing?

My quitches.

Quitches? Yeah.

No, Elmo, that's pronounced quiche.

You sure?

Yes, French.

Who would they want to say it like that for?

I don't know, Elmo, I don't know. And what are all these girls' names for?

It's Quiche Lorraine.

Ah, I've gone beyond her.

Why nobody's thought of this before, I'll never know.

Why call it after one girl, Lorraine, when there's hundreds of girls named?

Bury a bit of something different in each and you come up with... Keech.

Keech Dorothy.

Keech. Keech Joyce and so on.

I don't know what to say.

Well, most of the great ideas are simple ones.

I agree with that, Elmo. Get us a lager.

Do you have to? I'm not a pub now, I'm a wine bar.

Well, put it in a wine glass then.

Like you did before.

Go and sit down.

It's all right, I'll take you across with me.

Oh, please, Jack. Let me take you to the table. I'm trying to do me standards.

Elmo, you are the boss. You shouldn't be doing anything.

Where are your waitresses?

I don't want to talk about it.

Where are your waitresses, Elmo?

Well, they left.

Well, they took me wrongly, that's why.

Blimey, if a bloke can't express his natural affectionate nature, well...

And it was not sexual harassment like they said it was. You're like Maradona,

you are, Elmo.

You're always putting your hands where you shouldn't. It was like this for most

of the time.

You didn't want to please Elmo.

Worn out. Hi, Jekyll. Worn out? I told you not to do that weight training.

It's working.

It's a bit late, isn't it?

Um, Andy.

Sandra. Sorry, sorry.

It's for me, it's exactly.

Would you do me a favour? Would you read that for me?

Oh, not your poem.

Oh, please read it.

Oh, all right.

No, out loud.

Welcome to Elmo Putney's Wine Bar.

Have a drink, be merry and have a laugh. Ha ha.

This is the place where everything swings. The atmosphere, the company and

very... Super!

You got the job.

What job?

Here as my head waitress.

Well, she'd have to be your head waitress, Elmo. You haven't got any

Anyway, I work for Veronica.

I know that, but it's more upmarket over here, isn't it?

Shizzle!

So how come you're working so late, then? Oh, I made a couple of mistakes on

inventory, and Veronica made me do it all over again.

That doesn't sound like her.

Well, she's not acting like herself lately, is she? Been on her own.

I wish we could do something to help her.

Like Veronica.

Oh, so do I. Even if she does keep me after school.

Customers! Customers!

Evening, Vincente.

Salvatore.

Salvatore, good evening.

Can I come in?

Wait.

Hello.

That's very nice, that. That's very nice.

Hello, Mr. Morella. Hello, Jocko.

Good evening, Jocko. Good evening, Mr. Morella.

This is for you.

Oh, what a good boy.

This is my mama.

Oh.

Yes, yes, that's very nice. Is it?

Yes.

A glass of wine?

Not for me, thank you. No, I'm driving.

Well.

Made any nice gravestones recently, Mr Morella?

All our gravestones are nice.

You look very lovely, Lucia. Good evening, Jacko.

Bellissima, bellissima.

Speak.

Just admiring your photographs. They're lovely, aren't they?

As they said, family.

My mama is 92.

Is she?

And she still crochets?

Yes.

Mama. Mama.

Yes.

Very nice, that. Very nice.

And she makes all these, does she?

No.

Well.

Well, if you'll excuse us, then.

What do you mean?

Well, we'll be off out, then.

No, no, no.

Pardon? I gave you permission to call on Lucia. Nobody said anything about

taking her out.

Oh, well, I see.

And there's

my cousin Angelina. Again.

With her husband Paolo in another part of the garden.

That must be round the corner from the Rosie.

Angelina Paolo.

Yes.

And this is their dog, Fuffo.

It's a very nice dog.

And there they are with Buffo, visiting Maria and Giuseppe at their farm. Maria

and Giuseppe.

More cousins, is there? Oh, yes.

And the last one is Mama's third sister, my Aunt Sophia.

Why is she on stilts?

I don't know.

She used to be in the circus.

She was one of Fantoni's marvels. Oh, was she?

Fantoni! Yes, yes, yes.

Oh.

Well, that was fantastic, that was.

I always think the photographic history of a family, well, it's a pity more

families don't do it so thoroughly.

Oh, you are really interested.

Oh, I should say so.

Bless them.

Oh, I think they're both developing my dad's ears.

Yep, and that's my nose if ever I saw it.

Are you two doing this on purpose?

We are allowed to look at photos of our own children in our own house.

Perhaps Jacko would like to look at them.

I don't care if I never see another photograph as long as I live.

Don't you ever do anything else at Lucia's?

Oh, yeah, on Tuesday we listen to an opera.

All three and a half hours of it.

All in Italian, all on 78.

I think it's brilliant.

Six times you've been round there and you've never once even got her out the

house.

I thought that would amuse you, Jean.

Have you managed to be alone with her yet?

No, the minimum number of spectators I've achieved so far is five.

You're on a loser. If you ever do get her out, you'll probably be followed by

one of their hitmen.

Or they'll all go out with you.

It's become a quest now, you see. I wouldn't have bothered this long.

How do you mean, Eric?

Well, when I was on the loose, if I didn't click straight away, I moved on.

You asked me out before I said yes.

I didn't. Yes, you did.

You became a fixture on that coping you did.

Oh, I remember.

Then he took to peering through the letterbox, didn't he? Do you remember?

I did not.

You... Indeed.

Mum used to say, it's that funny boy looking through the letterbox again.

One.

The fact is, I did get you to come out.

Yeah, and where'd you take me? Up the puffing green.

And then he could only afford one stick and one ball.

I was faving the rest to buy you an ice cream, if you remember.

Oh. Get off.

Now look at you, Darby and Joan.

Isn't this Lucia really so wonderful?

I don't know.

I don't really know her.

So you... What is it tonight?

Listening to Granny playing the concertina?

No, I'm going out with somebody else tonight.

Oh? Who?

Somebody I do know.

Going out?

Yes, with Giles.

You haven't told me how the interview went this morning.

I didn't go. I played tennis.

Getting a job is no longer an option. It's become one of Mummy's rules.

I don't need a job. I'm marrying Giles.

Oh.

That's wonderful.

When did he propose?

He hasn't. He's going to this evening.

You mean he's told you in advance?

No. It's my idea.

You're very confident.

Yes.

a sense of a young woman in love, Leslie?

Because I'm not.

Well, I'm fond of Giles. Well, that's no basis for marriage, is it? Oh, I've no

words. He's certainly in love with me and I'm very good for him.

And he's very rich and he'll be good for you, is that it?

I'm certainly not cut out to work for a living.

I've heard of cold fish, Leslie. You're frozen solid.

That'll be Giles.

Like a lamb to the slaughter.

Hello, Leslie.

You look very tasty.

I'm not on your menu.

I couldn't afford you.

Hello,

Jacko.

Hello.

How's it coming out for a meal?

I told you, I'm not on your menu.

Not you, your mother.

What?

How about it, Veronica?

Oh, no, I don't think so, Jacko. Thanks all the same, but I'm settled for the

evening. What, in a rut?

That's not fair.

Well, come out for a meal. I'll apologise over the crepe Suzette.

You can't ask my mother out.

Yes, he can.

But you won't go.

As a matter of fact, I will.

Well, good for you.

Well, I think there's something vaguely yucky about it.

After what you told me five minutes ago, Leslie, I hardly think you're in a

position to judge what's yucky.

I'll just get changed, Jacko. Oh, no, no, no. Spur of the moment. Come on,

Veronica, before we lose the impetus. All right.

Have the milk, if you like, Leslie.

Sorry. Nearly pressed your nose with my finger.

Ding dong.

Pardon? I know.

Good evening, ma 'am.

Hello, Giles.

Oh.

Hello, Leslie.

You look lovely.

Hello, Giles.

Shall we sit down?

I think I'd better.

Comfy?

Very much so, yes. Do you like the dress?

It's gorgeous.

I like to look nice for you. Oh, you always do.

Whenever I walk into a mess function with you on my arm, I'm always awfully

proud. What a nice thing to say.

I did enjoy the clay pigeon shoot the other day.

Sorry I didn't hit anything.

Oh, I didn't notice.

I was too busy looking at you.

Really? I think I like riding with you best.

You're a superb horseman. Bit of a show -off sometimes.

No. I thought cantering with the reins between your teeth and an ice -cream

cornet in each hand was wonderful.

We're taught to do that in case we have to ride with our hands full.

Not with ice -cream cornets.

No, silly pistol.

Actually, we practice with boiled eggs on spoons.

And we do try with glasses of port, but they used to spill and... We know each

other awfully well, don't we?

Awfully well, yes.

Giles and Leslie, Leslie and Giles.

We've become a couple.

Yes.

Actually, Leslie, there is something I wanted to say to you about the pairing

off stakes.

Oh?

I think it's fair to say that sooner or later the subject of, well, marriage

will rear its little head. It has, in a way, so if you don't mind, I'll grasp

the nettle.

This is a rather serious moment, isn't it, Giles?

Absolutely.

Leslie? Yes?

I can't marry you because I'm in love with Gloria.

Don't be absurd. You can't be.

But I am.

Hopelessly. He's married.

That's what makes it hopeless. I could never interpose myself between a man and

his wife.

Well, what's the point, then?

Well, being true to oneself, I suppose.

It would be totally impossible for me to marry you knowing I didn't love you

and... You couldn't possibly marry me unless you loved me, could you, Leslie?

Right? Yeah.

Thanks, Jocko. No more moping about.

Right, first stop, Elmo Putney's Wine Bar.

Where's Leslie?

I'm afraid tonight's off.

It's all off.

Why?

I had to tell her.

I'm in love with somebody else.

I'm definitely sorry, Mrs Bainbridge.

Two glasses of white wine and two quiche Dorothy.

Thank you.

Well?

I wonder why Elmo didn't ask us to paint the place.

Enough business talk, please, Veronica.

No, I'm glad.

We're not staying here, are we?

Do credit me with some, Tay.

Now, I think the drink here... Then anyone's great for wherever you take

after.

Hello.

Gondra. Don't say anything.

It's only for one night. He's got a new girl starting tomorrow.

Are my wages really that low?

No. Elmo kept throwing money at me and I went down under the weight of it.

I wouldn't recommend eating here.

Oh, we're not... Would you sightsee? Yeah, Jacko's taking me to dinner.

Oh, that's nice.

What can I get you? Um... Gin and tonic, please.

Lager and a wine glass, please.

Oi, oi, no snogging the customers.

You grope waitresses.

They're just friendly pets of encouragement.

Are you bloody business?

Yes, Elmy. And don't call me that.

Hello, Veronica, how are you?

Fine. What do you think of the place? How's it grab you?

By the throat, Elmer.

Thank you, Veronica.

As this is a new venture on my part, from a friend, I would welcome any

suggestions. Well, you could pull it down.

That's very hurtful, Ace.

I'm sorry, Omar.

Well, I do think it could stand some other colour.

I'm disappointed in you, Veronica. I mean, everyone says that.

Oh, excuse me, customers.

Why did Sandra kiss you?

Who knows with women, eh?

You didn't ask me out on the spur of the moment at all, did you?

Who knows with men, eh?

Thank you.

Here we are.

Why is the lager in a wine glass?

Elmo doesn't want to lower the tone of the play.

There is no tone.

I know that.

You know that.

Cheers. Cheers.

Either Elmo's having a fit or he wants to talk to you.

Won't be a minute, Veronica. Wait here.

What do you want?

Well, you know Veronica?

No.

Veronica?

What about her?

Well, it's occurred to me that she's available.

Now, ain't she?

What is?

A single woman?

And it has also occurred to me that I am a single man.

Are you putting two and two together, Elmo?

One and one, mate.

So what did you want to talk to me about?

My approach.

What do you think my strong points would be?

Subtlety? Right.

I'll send her a dozen nighties.

You can't get any subtler than that almost, can you?

Hello, Mr Morella.

What are you doing here?

I had to see this place.

My boys said it was unbelievable.

They were right.

They're not with you, are they?

No. Mr Morella was just saying how pleased he is with the painting.

Oh, good, good.

Excuse me just a minute. There is a lady in here, is there?

Yes, up the other end, Veronica.

Hidden in that wall somewhere.

I wanted to have a word with you, Jocko.

What about?

Mrs. Bainbridge tells me why you take her out.

It is a very thoughtful thing to do.

She's a very nice lady.

You have been very thoughtful in my house, too.

You have been properly patient.

I've enjoyed every minute of it, Mr. Morella.

Especially the photographs.

We have a lot of photos.

Yes, you do.

So you have been thoughtful there. You have been thoughtful here. So now I am

going to be thoughtful.

You may take Lucia out.

Of the house?

Yes.

With all the family?

No.

Just the two of you.

I'll see you then.

Jacko.

Yeah? Before you go, yeah?

You will be careful, won't you?

Eric, I promise.

If there is no lollipop, Lady President...

I will ask a grown -up to help me across the road.

You know what I mean.

I was watching that. The lives of you and our children are more important than

television, Jean.

Oh, you're not on about the Mafia again, are you? Yes, I am.

This is your first time alone with Lucia.

You put one eyelash wrong and we've all had it.

I don't care what they do to you.

You'll have asked for it.

I just hope you can look yourself in the face when they come after me and Jean.

And our children.

Eric!

Let's read the book again.

You can laugh.

Even Uncle Cyril in Tasmania won't be safe.

You are becoming hysterical.

I know how to behave myself.

Yes, well, I'd like a word about that.

Oh, blimey. Come on. I'm thinking about Lucia.

Well, so am I.

That's what I mean.

She's not like your usual runner girlfriends.

They can take care of themselves.

This girl has been cloistered. She can't have had much experience of life.

Well, you said yourself she's very shy.

So just, well, go easy.

Please, Jacko.

You two were laughing your socks off last week. Yeah, well, I didn't think

ever get her out of the house then.

I'm very flattered by your joint opinion of me.

But I'm not a beast.

I'm not going to take that young girl round the corner and rip all her clothes

off. Now, am I? Don't even joke about it.

Gina, put him straight to bed and take that book away from him.

Oh, and don't try to creep in with her either.

Oh, dear.

Because if you do, so help me, I should be up those stairs with every photo

album I can lay my ankles. And I'll bring the kids up.

Now, don't forget.

We want Lucia back home by ten o 'clock.

To the second, Miss Marilla. You have a lovely time.

Thank you, Mrs Marilla. Good night, Mama, Papa, Grandma.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Because of you.

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