Original subtitles

All thanks to you, these things I do,

because of you,

because of you.

Can I help you?

Yes. What are you doing this evening?

It's none of your business.

Well, if, because I'd like to take you out.

You're not slow in coming forward, are you?

Well, there's no time, is there?

You're at work. I'm on my way to work in times of the essence.

Is this a bet?

No. I'm Jacko.

Look, if you're winding me up... That's no way to start a relationship, is it,

being aggressive?

No, I really would like to take you out.

Why? Why?

Because I'm walking along the other side of the road and I see a beautiful lady

and I think, oh, well, I want to take her out. Now, are you going to tell me

your name or have I got to call you miss all evening?

All right.

It's Sarah.

So you'll come then? I didn't say that.

Oh, now we know each other's names. He'll still knock you, doesn't he?

Come on, where do you live?

Ring me.

I'll meet you.

I bet he's done nothing.

Thanks very much.

See you. Bye.

fall of the Roman Empire, isn't he?

I think it's sad.

I keep thinking what it might have been.

What, if I hadn't have gone away for six weeks, you mean?

Any tea in the pot?

They've taken the kettle as well.

So what do we do, sit here and play musical chairs?

What, who?

The march to the scaffold?

It's all part of life, rich pageants, Sandra.

Do you know what they'll put on your gravestone when you die?

Good riddance.

No. Oh, well.

The truth is, we've got another bite of the cherry.

Elmo's back from Australia.

What's that got to do with it? Well, he's loaded. He's found opals. Well, at

least his dog has. So he's going to buy the firm, I'm going to run it for him

and get paid, and your job will be safe.

Working for you?

Yes. No, it wouldn't.

It's like working for a will -o' -the -wisp. There's nothing to clutch on to.

You can clutch on to me any time you like, son.

You know what I mean.

You're very likeable and deeply unreliable.

Your idea of planning for the future is what you're going to do this evening.

I know what I'm doing this evening. And tomorrow?

Depends how I get on this evening.

I'm saving up to get married, Jackal. I need a secure future.

You're probably right.

I'm not sure whether I'm going to take Elmar up on his offer anyway.

There you are.

Look, if you're set on leaving me in the gutter, don't bother about your two

weeks' notice. Go and find yourself another job. Oh, thanks, Jackal.

Hey, it was fun while it lasted, wasn't it?

Let's put it this way. The idea was fun.

Wanderer. Oh, hello, Miss Baybridge.

Could I have a word?

Sure.

Let's talk in the office.

Hello, Leslie.

Hello.

Keep going, dearest.

Is Leslie a secretary now?

That's one way of putting it. Sit down, Sandra.

I would offer you a cup of tea, but it would take Leslie two hours to make it.

That's all right.

I hope you don't mind me saying so, Mrs Bainbridge, but Leslie isn't exactly...

Well, she's useless.

She is good at driving temps away.

There's enough fur flying out there to wrap several baby buntings in.

Come and be my secretary, Sandra.

I'd love to.

That's the trouble with women in business. They're so long -winded.

Now, when do you think you could start, Sandra?

Now? I've always liked you.

Leslie, our new secretary.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

Show her where you put everything and try and make her feel at home.

We usually have elevens at around ten o 'clock.

Oh, yes.

It's nearly that now.

So it is.

Pop out and get me a Danish pastry, Sandra.

I'm a secretary, not the office junior.

I see.

What would you like?

A Danish pastry, please.

G'day, cover!

Jacko?

Hello, Elmo.

Well, you look very, very... Ah, thanks.

She's started on the painting.

Like the rings?

There's a lot of them. Yeah, well, I... I was at a loose end, so I dropped down

the jewellers. They spell my name, you know. Who, the jewellers?

No, the rings.

Look.

Emerald for E, Lapis Lazuli for L, Moonstone for M, Opal for

O, Elmo.

Well, what have you got on the other end? Elmo.

Well, why didn't you go to Hull Hog and have Elmop Utney?

Well, no, that would have meant I'd have had to have rings on my thumbs, and

that would have been a bit of a temptation.

If in doubt, always there on the side of subtlety. I always do, mate.

Have you heard about my offer?

Yes, I have, mate. But to be quite frank, there's a stumbling block.

What? You.

Oh, chisel, why?

Well, look, Elmer, if we work together every day, we might jar.

See, that often happens when two giant intellects clash.

Oh, no, not that you'd run it, and I'd be the sleeping partner.

Well, where would you sleep?

It's a faceless expression.

it, you run it. Then we meet up every so often and count the profits.

You really would leave me alone?

Yes, you would have complete anarchy.

With the same thing as anarchy?

Well,

I must admit it's tempting.

I could pay Charles all his money back, bring Sandra's wages up to date. I could

pay all my back rent at home.

I'm like the sun poking his head out from behind a cloud, aren't you?

You still stick to changing the name of Splosh to Elmo Putney's painting firm,

do you? Yes, the only rule, Jacko, because I thought it up myself.

All right, mate. You know me and deep ends. When I see one, I have to dive it.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, great. I'll get things rolling.

So, how about a spot of dinner up at my hotel suite?

I could lay on some crumpet, and I don't mean for toasting.

That's witty.

Yeah, I know.

Perhaps you could fix this up.

Oh, I'd like to, mate, but I'm on a date tonight.

Oh. Well, do you know how rich men go about crumpet collecting? Because I'm

still not quite used to it yet.

The same way as a poor man.

Only you've got money.

Yes, of course!

Yeah,

it's nice having Flandre back in the office again.

With Leslie behind that desk, you always felt like a serf up before the

Baroness. She hasn't demanded her feudal rights to your body, has she? I shall

be so lucky.

There are a lot of subterranean passions that you haven't quite satisfied in

your life, Eric.

I'm a married man.

That's what I mean.

Now, promise you won't get overexcited, but I'm taking the young lady out

tonight and I won't be home for dinner. I'm not interested.

What's she like?

Nice. Lovely cheek.

Don't be coarse. On her face.

She's a policewoman.

She's a what?

What did you go like that for?

Well, she's a policewoman.

I know, I just told you. Do you want to end up inside?

Well, I'm hardly likely to invite her out for a night of crime, am I?

They're never off duty.

She's going to turn up in her right gear, is she? You know what I mean.

One slip of the tongue and she'll have you.

Sounds wonderful.

Thank you.

What for?

pinching apples off a squelchy pierce's barrow when we were at primary school.

It's an unsolved crime to them, Jacko.

Oh, come on, Eric. I'm going out with the W part of her, not the PC.

She's not going to turn up and say, Hello.

Is your road tax up to date, is she? No.

But you let anything like that slip out and you're in trouble.

Well, I've got to shoot.

Here. If I happen to get a bit verbose this evening and talk a bit carelessly,

your road tax is up to date, isn't it?

Saturday? I'm on duty.

Sunday?

Fine.

Do you like sheepdog trials?

Can't keep away from them. Really?

I've never been to one. No, neither have I. I do know where there's one on,

though. We could give it a try.

Well, it's original.

Why not?

This is it.

Now, there's a thing.

What's that?

I know this is going to sound fortuitous, but I've got this sudden

cup of coffee.

You can come in and have one if you like. Well, that's nice. The canteen

still be open.

You think?

Yeah. This is a section house, you know, police flats.

On second thought, Sarah, do you know, I don't really fancy chewing up for a cup

of coffee this time of night.

Good night.

See you Sunday.

Good night, Jacko.

Take a letter for me, please.

Yes, all right.

It's to the secretary, the Devro Tennis and Social Club, Motspur Park.

Yes? Well, have you written that already?

It is called shorthand.

Oh, right.

Dear Mr Skelton -Wallace, I take great exception to your letter of the 21st.

fact that my bar bill exceeds your arbitrary limit is neither here...

wrong? I'm not typing letters about your bar bills. I've got work to do.

But you're the secretary.

Yes, the company's not yours.

I see.

This attitude of yours might reflect itself in your Christmas bonus.

If there is a Christmas bonus, it will be your mother who gives it to me.

I have influence.

Have you?

Hello, miss.

Hello, miss.

You wanted to see me, Veronica?

Oh, yes, I did. Sit down.

Seems funny seeing you sitting that side of the desk instead of Lionel.

Everybody says that. All right, I'm not original, I know.

They'll have to get used to it, though, because this is where I'm going to be

from now on.

Well, good for you, Veronica.

Thank you.

So, how's life?

Well, I'm going out with a very attractive policewoman.

No, I meant life outside of the ladies. You know the one?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well, it's a bit seesawish at the moment, sploshes out of business, but

then up pops the genie of the lamp in the shape of Elmo offering to buy the

business and paying me to run it.

Oh, I didn't know that.

So I'll suggest.

Well, that makes my offer of your old job back superfluous.

Oh, you wouldn't want me back, Veronica. I'm a liability.

That's not the way I looked at it.

You see, with Lionel gone, well, I can handle the business side, but when it

comes to the actual technical knowledge of painting...

I need help. It's as simple as that.

Well, you've got Eric.

Oh, yes, I've got Eric.

Well, if I hadn't rubbed the lamp and held my head in a pot towel... No, no,

course.

Funny, though, isn't it?

Timing in life. It's not very often right, is it?

Well, I've said yes now, you see. Of course you have.

And you'll be much better off financially. I don't have too many opals

around. No, you wouldn't have.

Well, anyway, it's not the end of the world. I'll survive.

Of course you will.

And good luck with Elmo.

Thanks.

Veronica, have a break. Come on, I'll take you out for a drink. No, I'd like

but I've got people relying on me now. I'd better stick to the wheel.

Yeah, of course. I'll see you. See you, Jacko.

Have a nice weekend.

Look after her, Sandra.

Call your weight lesson.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, it's all right.

Got you gin and tonic. Great.

Why haven't you faced?

You're supposed to say how nice I look.

Oh, yeah.

So why haven't you faced?

It's just a bruise.

Well, what do you do? Bang into a door?

Fall up a step? Down a step?

Let go of the wrong end of the catapult? All right.

There was a football match Saturday.

I was on crowd control.

And some hero punched you?

Yeah. Did you get his name?

Afterwards. Can I have it?

No.

Anyway, enough shop talk.

So where's the sheepdog trial?

Bury.

I don't think WPCs should do crowd control.

I was going to wear my sheepskin coat, but I thought I might confuse the dogs.

Or upset the sheep.

How often do you do night?

It's a rota. Not on your own? Look, Jacko. Because I don't like the idea of

that. Oh, dear.

I've been here before.

Every time I go out with a civilian, this happens.

Jacko, I'm sorry, but I think it'll have to be thanks and goodbye.

Well, what have I done? You've started to worry.

The next thing is I'll start to worry about you worrying, and then I'll be

efficient at my job.

Look, Sarah, have you ever thought... About changing my job.

Would you prefer it if I worked in a florist shop?

Well, flowers don't go for you. I like being a policewoman.

Well, it's no reason to give me the elbow.

It is.

I recognise the danger signs.

There'd be too much stress flying about for us to have a good time.

Well, surely there are other duties.

If I wanted to sit behind a typewriter, I'd work in a typing pool.

Do you see what I mean, Jacko? It won't work.

Shame.

You came top on my civilian list.

Do you know, you're the only one who didn't come straight out with the bloody

awful police jokes.

Well, you didn't do any awful painter jokes.

No.

Humorous couple, aren't we?

keys off for your estate agent.

Thought I'd come round and start planning our decor.

Ah. No, no, it'd be great.

Look, I was thinking of having a life -sized oil painting of myself on our

yeah? Look, Elmo, Elmo, this our business.

I've changed me mind.

You chiseling chiseler, why?

Well, it's Willie.

Oh, here we go, here we go. Well, it's Veronica, actually. I'm gonna back... to

work for her. She's on her own. Well, some women can handle it, like those in

the police force, but when I saw her the other day, she just seemed so

vulnerable. Well, I'm bloody vulnerable.

No, you're not. Well, not in a business tent.

You're like Asbestos. You can just chuck money at everything.

And what happened to your lovely rings, incidentally?

Oh, I had to take them off. Nearly cut me fingers in half every time I used a

knife and fork.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, people are always doing this to me.

Come on, look. What do you want a business for anyway?

You should be out there creating the Elmo Putney revolution.

Setting trends that nobody ever imagined.

Meeting people.

Making friends.

Yeah, well, it goes without saying I could have as many friends as I like

but I don't know. It doesn't.

That doesn't satisfy the intellectual side of me.

Intellectual side? Yeah, I've got a very active mind. I need something to occupy

it. I've never been a dilly... Tantive. What is that dilly thing? Tantive. Yeah,

one of them.

I'm a businessman.

Yeah, but not in the painting game, surely.

Do you know what I see engraved across your heart?

What?

Boozer. I can hold my beer.

Well, publican then.

Eh? The smell of the ullage wafting up from the trays.

The tinkling of the optics.

The evocative pop of a crisp packet being opened.

You see, that's in your blood.

You're right, you know.

You see my blood.

Exactly. Buy yourself a puff.

Yeah. No.

Hang on.

I've just had an interior explosion.

A lot of those since I came back from Australia.

Must be the change in the water.

Inspiration, mate.

I don't want a pub.

No. You want a bistro. No, I don't want a bistro. I want a wine bar.

Exactly. And do you know what I'm going to call it?

Elmo Putney's Wine Bar.

Stunned. It's not bad, is it? I mean, it says what it is.

When people walk through that door, they'll know exactly what's waiting for

them. Well, I certainly would.

Oh, no!

Oh, you're going off inside again?

Not many, Benny. This place has been perfect.

Elmo, now listen. I am not trying to get you to buy this place.

I want it. I don't care what you say.

I'll up my original offer.

You don't have to.

I'm not daft. A wine bar's got to be more expensive than a painter's.

Elmo, it's the same place. You're buying the same premises.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Shake on it.

Are you sure?

When have I ever been wrong?

So, it's back to my hotel suite for champagne and welks.

Welks? I don't like oysters.

Well, I'd like to, Elmo, but I ought to go and see Veronica.

Oh, right. Well, look, I think I'll stick around here for a while. I'll

have 18 more ideas the mood I'm in. If I hear any explosions, I'll know exactly

where they're coming from, eh?

It's so silly. It's not here.

Schaefer Johnson.

I don't have a spell.

I did go to the Sorbonne.

It's not here.

You were looking under correspondence, not invoicing.

Well, how was I to know that?

Well, as we're doing the accounts, I would have thought it was obvious.

Don't you talk to me like that.

You ought to be grateful I'm helping you at all.

But you're not.

Well, I'm sick of being treated as an office junior.

Why can't I do that?

Can you do double -entry bookkeeping?

Can you speak French?

No. Well, you'd have to if you were at the Sorbonne.

We're working in Mossberg Park.

You'll have xenophobia.

That would be undeserved, would it?

Well, I'm pleased to see you two have chummed up.

Hello,

Jack. How nice to see you. Look, Veronica, I've had a ponder.

If you want me, I'm all yours.

Oh, that is good news.

Did Elmo change his mind and open a new discount in the Arctic Circle?

No, I changed my mind. Thank you.

Start Monday? Fine.

Oh, Jacko, there is one thing.

What's that?

ground rules, and they apply to everybody.

I expect good time keeping.

When you're at work, I'd like you to work and continue your pursuit of the

opposite sex in your own time.

No long lunches, no dodgy overtime sheets, no thinking this colour would be

to paint my own flat, no drunkenness on company vehicles, and finally, just

because I'm a woman, and this doesn't apply to everybody else, don't take me

a soft touch, Jacko.

I'm a port.

I thought you might be.

I'm working for a tyrant.

Is this the new you?

In business, yes.

This is ironic, isn't it? I come back to work for you because the other day you

looked so defenceless, so vulnerable, you conned me.

That's not a very nice thing to say.

Feminine wiles.

All that trembling bottom lip, all that misty eye.

And I fell for it, me.

I'm on my own, Jacko. I'll use any weapon I have.

All right, Veronica.

But hear this.

As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

And I will not be treating you as anything other than a bloke from now on.

I might even start by calling you sir.

There'll be no genteel pleasantries, and I will be stifling any comments that

might spring to my lips.

That's a very nice blouse, by the way.

And if we happen to go out for a drink, I'm going to buy you a pint of draft

Guinness. I dare say we'll find some middle way, you know.

It won't be dull, will it? Not for one moment.

I'm sorry, Mrs Bainbridge, it's an emergency.

Oh, dear, what?

Where is Gloria, Jacko's sister -in -law? Yeah, I know who she is. What

her? She's been on the phone with some sort of frack -or at her house. She

me to jack her around there. All right, off you go, then. See you Monday. Yeah.

Oh, thank goodness you've come.

All right, what's happened? What have you done now?

It's horrible.

He's locked himself in the bathroom and he's threatening to kill himself.

Come on, Reg.

Reg. Now, don't be silly. Come on, open the door.

Leave me alone.

That is not Reg in there, Gloria.

Well, next that it was.

Well, who is it, then?

Barry, my new gentleman friend.

Women are not supposed to have gentleman friends.

If Reg finds out, he'll rip this building apart with his bare hands.

He knows.

He's abandoned me again.

Gone back to Ilfracombe. You ought to buy a season ticket to that place.

Gloria.

Look, come on.

Barry. Come on, Barry. You've made your point. Now be a sensible boy.

She's broken my heart.

Well, I won't do it however much he begs and pleads.

What does he want you to do, Gloria?

He wants me to go and live in his mobile home.

Barry, I told you I am not ready for a permanent relationship.

Reg can vouch for that.

Goodbye, Gloria.

Listen, Barry.

I'm as strong as an ox.

If you don't open this door, I'll rip it off its hinges.

You try it and I'll chuck your latex fire in the bath.

Gloria, Gloria, come. Go and call the police. Go on.

All right, Barry.

All right. I suppose he has filled the bath with water because it won't work

otherwise.

Don't credit him with some intelligence, Eric. Barry, are you still there?

What do you think?

Oh, yeah, quite.

Now, listen, Barry.

Try to see Gloria as who she is.

I love her.

They're on their way.

I've got time to change.

Try it. Respect me.

Come out.

I'm getting ratty now.

I've got both bars on.

All right.

No, no, no, no. You keep that big bloke away from that door.

All right, Barry.

Are you there?

I might be.

I can't. I can't live without you.

Oh, stop him, Jacko. If this gets out, I'll never be able to look the butcher

the face again.

Why the butcher?

He's new.

Barry, this is Big Eric speaking.

I'm not near the door, but I think I should warn you that we've called the

police.

What did you have to do that for?

I'm lost.

What happened to the suicide?

Look at that.

I've got a load of bent gear in the van.

Well, so much for being centre of your universe.

That's delightful, that. He's turning up at a lady's house with a van full of

bent gear. All right, I'm going.

What happened to you, big Eric?

That's me.

Have you seen yourself?

I'm gone, I'm gone.

Oh, no, start.

Why didn't you nick a decent thing?

Move over.

No, no, no, you're over choking it. Look, let me have it. Oh, that's lovely.

He thinks he's a Ferrari mechanic.

No, it's over -choked. I'll choke you in a minute. Little mush!

The reason he's called Big Eric is because he's swelled when he gets angry.

And in case you forgot, the reason we're here is...

For you, the suicide, madam.

He's in the fan.

Oh!

Now, come on, sir.

Let's talk about it.

No, I'm fine now.

Much happier in myself.

Thank you.

Thank you?

I know you.

You're Barry Weston, aren't you?

Aye, that's right.

Have a look in the back of the van, will you?

Oh, Jacko.

Oh, hello, Sarah.

I'm ever so glad it's you because this isn't exactly what it seems.

I'm sorry, Jacko.

Come on.

I told you she'd be trouble.

Shut up.

Be positive.

Be positive.