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All thanks to you, these things I do,
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because of you,
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because of you.
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I've never been to a cremation before.
5
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Have you?
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00:00:43,870 --> 00:00:46,470
No. I wonder what they do.
7
00:00:47,230 --> 00:00:48,750
Well, they burn them, don't they?
8
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Well, I prefer to be buried myself.
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You know where you are, then.
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00:00:56,850 --> 00:00:58,610
Well, other people would at least.
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00:01:02,290 --> 00:01:03,290
Ta -da!
12
00:01:05,030 --> 00:01:06,030
Anything in the pot?
13
00:01:07,790 --> 00:01:09,570
Well, I expect you're wondering where
I've been.
14
00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:13,550
The thought had crossed our minds. For
the last six weeks.
15
00:01:14,050 --> 00:01:16,270
Did you find Julie or not?
16
00:01:16,590 --> 00:01:20,430
Yes, but it didn't work out. So I went
to... I went to Cairo.
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00:01:21,270 --> 00:01:22,370
What are you doing in black?
18
00:01:22,690 --> 00:01:24,510
We're going to a funeral.
19
00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:27,770
Yes. Come on, or we'll be late.
20
00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,130
Whose funeral?
21
00:01:31,150 --> 00:01:32,150
Lionel's.
22
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:12,200
How are you?
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00:02:57,870 --> 00:02:59,230
Bainbridge is no more.
24
00:02:59,890 --> 00:03:04,890
I, the salamander general of his lodge
by his express mandate, am going to say
25
00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:07,650
few words about him. Very few words.
26
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:12,910
It would take more than a few words to
say what Lionel Bainbridge was.
27
00:03:13,370 --> 00:03:15,530
He was a man for all seasons.
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00:03:16,550 --> 00:03:23,390
To his wife, Veronica, he was a loving,
devoted, ever cheerful companion.
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00:03:25,470 --> 00:03:29,630
Leslie, he was almost a magical figure.
Wise, kind, but firm.
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00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:32,950
Someone she could model herself on.
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00:03:34,450 --> 00:03:40,550
Who his workmate, and I use the word
mate deliberately, for Lionel never set
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himself above others.
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00:03:42,150 --> 00:03:47,210
A pickwickian figure to whom they could
always turn in moments of trouble. Door
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ever open for a quiet chat.
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00:03:52,970 --> 00:03:56,210
I don't know if any employee of Lionel's
ever left his office without feeling
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00:03:56,210 --> 00:03:58,890
warmed and cured.
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00:03:59,470 --> 00:04:05,170
The circles his pebble made in the
waters of life reached out even to the
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00:04:05,170 --> 00:04:06,610
families of his employees.
39
00:04:07,390 --> 00:04:13,650
You know, I believe they may have called
him Uncle Lionel.
40
00:04:15,750 --> 00:04:19,470
Dr. Park has lost one of her favorite
sons.
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00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,320
will mourn his passing.
42
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:32,420
And may I will end this little tribute
to Lionel by quoting a saying we have at
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the lodge.
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He is gone, but he isn't.
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He left us, but he didn't.
46
00:04:38,380 --> 00:04:42,400
He'd have come back, but he couldn't.
47
00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:50,950
And finally, and this was an express
wish of Lionel's, Confided to me over a
48
00:04:50,950 --> 00:04:54,010
martini... over a... I'm so cheery.
49
00:04:54,410 --> 00:04:59,590
Will you please join me in a song that
was very dear to our land?
50
00:05:02,590 --> 00:05:09,230
When father painted the pie You couldn't
see
51
00:05:09,230 --> 00:05:15,270
father paint Slapping his tears,
slapping...
52
00:05:47,490 --> 00:05:48,850
Hello, Veronica.
53
00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:50,870
Hello, Jack. Hello.
54
00:05:53,260 --> 00:05:54,720
I am very sorry.
55
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:56,800
Thank you.
56
00:05:57,540 --> 00:05:59,340
You'll come back to the house, won't
you?
57
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,200
Yeah. Yeah, I'd like to.
58
00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:07,420
Excuse
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00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:14,320
me,
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00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:18,840
sir. Yeah? I don't wish to seem
indelicate, but were you singing when
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00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:20,220
Piper'd the parlour in there?
62
00:06:20,660 --> 00:06:21,660
Yeah.
63
00:06:21,889 --> 00:06:23,090
Adagio Funeroso.
64
00:06:24,730 --> 00:06:25,770
What was that?
65
00:06:26,090 --> 00:06:27,210
He was a painter.
66
00:06:27,590 --> 00:06:29,170
Oh, very apt.
67
00:06:29,730 --> 00:06:31,670
I don't want him to in our go.
68
00:06:32,370 --> 00:06:33,970
Well, I could have.
69
00:06:34,850 --> 00:06:36,290
Happy days are here again.
70
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:58,140
Yeah, just making some coffee. Do you
want one? I'd love one.
71
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,340
Gordon, you couldn't have known about
all this.
72
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,120
No, well, I only got back today.
73
00:07:08,740 --> 00:07:10,140
Where have you been all this time?
74
00:07:10,660 --> 00:07:12,940
Cairo. What were you doing in Cairo?
75
00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:14,340
Oh, it's a long story.
76
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:15,960
I'll tell you about it one day.
77
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,360
I thought the ceremony went off very
nicely.
78
00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:22,400
Well, it went off.
79
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:29,780
I thought the Salamander General's
little tribute was very... was very...
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00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:30,920
Inventive?
81
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:32,880
Yeah, it was a bit, wasn't it?
82
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:37,760
Let's face it, he wasn't describing the
Lionel we all knew, was he? I thought
83
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,180
I'd come to the wrong place for a
moment.
84
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,780
Still, who'd want someone to get up at a
time like that and tell the truth about
85
00:07:43,780 --> 00:07:45,280
you? Well, I certainly wouldn't.
86
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,960
How did he... Die?
87
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:50,280
Yeah.
88
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,040
At the lodge?
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00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,340
Hart? No, beer, I suspect.
90
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,440
They were doing one of their so -called
ceremonies, apparently.
91
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,520
Not the one on the window ledge.
92
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,480
You got it.
93
00:08:03,580 --> 00:08:04,580
Lost his balance.
94
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,640
He didn't have his trousers round his
ankles, did he?
95
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,520
Yes.
96
00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:14,520
I have to say, it wasn't the most
dignified way to go, was it?
97
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,740
But Lionel and Dignity never really
walked arm in arm.
98
00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:22,220
Of course, they had to have an inquest.
99
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:26,040
Oh, well, that's probably because of the
slightly unusual circumstances,
100
00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:27,300
presumably.
101
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,420
I did feel a fool in that coroner's
court.
102
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,320
I mean, it was my husband.
103
00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:37,659
And there they were, asking questions
about what he was doing on the window
104
00:08:37,659 --> 00:08:42,780
ledge in the first place, why his
trousers were round his ankles, why he
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00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:44,020
clutching a tin tray.
106
00:08:44,780 --> 00:08:48,220
Oh, they banged themselves on the head
with that. Yeah, that emerged.
107
00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:52,060
Of course, the whole thing was made more
ridiculous by the...
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00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,300
salamander general having to answer
certain questions.
109
00:08:55,820 --> 00:08:57,620
Well, didn't he claim diplomatic
immunity?
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00:08:58,360 --> 00:08:59,420
Something like that, yeah.
111
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,040
Till they threatened him with prison.
112
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,500
They should have threatened to burn him.
He'd have been all right then. What
113
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:05,800
with being a salamander and all that.
114
00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:07,900
I mean, not a fool.
115
00:09:08,820 --> 00:09:12,180
Have the police insisted that they
install a permanent safety net?
116
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:13,960
No, they've reached a compromise.
117
00:09:14,380 --> 00:09:17,540
They can still do the window ledge
thing, but it has to be from the ground
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00:09:17,540 --> 00:09:18,540
floor.
119
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:22,320
So if anybody comes a cropper, they fall
straight into the daffodils, eh?
120
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:27,160
I don't know.
121
00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:30,260
Lionel would have to go like that,
wouldn't he?
122
00:09:32,020 --> 00:09:33,280
Perhaps he would have wanted it, eh?
123
00:09:36,020 --> 00:09:37,580
I've got a horrible feeling he would.
124
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,520
Anyway, better get this in.
125
00:09:43,420 --> 00:09:44,420
Yeah.
126
00:09:57,070 --> 00:09:58,070
We want to talk to you.
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00:09:58,090 --> 00:09:59,890
I'll see you later. Where are you going?
128
00:10:00,810 --> 00:10:01,810
Runnymede.
129
00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:10,810
All right. Where is he?
130
00:10:11,030 --> 00:10:12,550
He's gone to Runnymede.
131
00:10:16,770 --> 00:10:19,390
Don't you dare try to creep up those
stairs.
132
00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:22,370
I was not trying to creep up any stairs.
133
00:10:22,910 --> 00:10:23,970
Any tea in the pot?
134
00:10:24,250 --> 00:10:25,250
No. Right.
135
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,020
We've waited up for you.
136
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,720
But why don't you just adopt me and be
done with it?
137
00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:32,820
Oh, I could slap you round the ear up
sometime.
138
00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:35,320
Oh, that's a lovely welcome home, that
is.
139
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,140
All right, why all the hostility?
140
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:40,160
Well, let me refresh your memory, in
case you've forgotten.
141
00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:42,820
Six weeks ago... Six weeks?
142
00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:48,180
You tore off, saying the only thing you
wanted out of life was Julie. And we
143
00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:50,020
haven't heard a blind word from you
since.
144
00:10:50,460 --> 00:10:51,460
So what happened?
145
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:52,960
You found her, right?
146
00:10:53,260 --> 00:10:54,920
Yes, but she's married.
147
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,780
Oh, dear, that's bad luck. I'm sorry,
Jacko.
148
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:00,120
Thank you, Eric.
149
00:11:01,020 --> 00:11:02,380
Yes, well, I'm sorry too.
150
00:11:02,940 --> 00:11:03,940
Thank you, James.
151
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:09,000
How come Julie was living in Cairo? She
wasn't. She lives on the Isle of Wight.
152
00:11:10,220 --> 00:11:12,240
So how come Cairo?
153
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,520
Well, I just sort of ended up there,
really.
154
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,600
You don't just sort of end up in Cairo.
155
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,140
No, look, after I left Julie, I felt a
bit down, obviously.
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00:11:21,850 --> 00:11:25,390
She's happy enough, and I wasn't exactly
turned down. Didn't feel like coming
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00:11:25,390 --> 00:11:27,090
home, so I went on a Mediterranean
cruise.
158
00:11:27,510 --> 00:11:29,170
Oh, the logical thing to do, obviously.
159
00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:32,210
Thanks for phoning to let us know.
160
00:11:32,590 --> 00:11:33,930
Well, it was all a bit of a rusty.
161
00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:39,230
So, you cruised to Cairo? No, portside,
actually, but there was this excursion
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00:11:39,230 --> 00:11:41,110
to Cairo, and I thought it might be a
good idea.
163
00:11:41,590 --> 00:11:43,190
Better than finding a telephone.
164
00:11:44,450 --> 00:11:46,430
Hey, did you see the Sphinx?
165
00:11:47,190 --> 00:11:48,850
No. I met one, though.
166
00:11:50,060 --> 00:11:52,180
Very enigmatic smile she had.
167
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,280
I sure her name was.
168
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:56,480
Here we go.
169
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,080
Was she descended in a direct line from
Nefertiti?
170
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,880
No. She nicked all me credit cards.
171
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:07,960
Here I was, miles away from anywhere and
penniless. So I took this job in a
172
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,360
nightclub. Doing the cabaret,
presumably.
173
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,360
No. Hey, did they have any, you know...
174
00:12:19,020 --> 00:12:21,300
Jean, you know I'm interested in
folklore.
175
00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:23,600
Oh, that's what they call it, is it?
176
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:29,120
About this nightclub, it must have had
several phones where a person could
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00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:35,020
from. Yes, but Egyptian telecom is only
slightly in advance of British telecom.
178
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,440
He doesn't say any more.
179
00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:40,120
So how do you get home? Hire an Arab
dhow.
180
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:43,820
You're as daft as he is.
181
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:48,290
Well, I must say, your welcome has cut
me to the quick.
182
00:12:50,550 --> 00:12:51,550
Good night, Eric.
183
00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:55,090
You wait till you see Sandra. She'll
probably cut your throat.
184
00:13:00,430 --> 00:13:00,850
May
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00:13:00,850 --> 00:13:07,890
I
186
00:13:07,890 --> 00:13:08,890
have that back, please?
187
00:13:08,990 --> 00:13:12,290
Oh, for goodness' sake, Sandra, I've
explained where I've been. I've told you
188
00:13:12,290 --> 00:13:13,290
what's happened.
189
00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:16,180
Aren't you just the teeniest bit pleased
to see me?
190
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:17,760
I'm glad you're not dead.
191
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,180
That's as far as I'll go.
192
00:13:19,620 --> 00:13:21,400
How can I be lost at sea?
193
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:22,960
You were lost at sea.
194
00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:25,640
Six weeks I've been trying to keep this
place going.
195
00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:30,100
You try running a painter's and
decorator's with nobody to do the
196
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:31,100
decorating.
197
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,260
It's like running a library with no
books.
198
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,740
Putting off people here, putting off
people there.
199
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:38,160
Well, no firm can do anything the very
next day.
200
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:40,540
No, but they can at least give a hint
when.
201
00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:42,130
What was I to say?
202
00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:45,190
He's disappeared off the face of the
earth and I don't know when he's coming
203
00:13:45,190 --> 00:13:46,670
back. Well, you knew I'd be back.
204
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:47,649
Did I?
205
00:13:47,650 --> 00:13:49,690
Where would I glean that information
from?
206
00:13:50,010 --> 00:13:51,990
Some of the language I've had to put up
with.
207
00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:54,910
Anybody talks to you like that, Sandra,
we don't work for them.
208
00:13:55,150 --> 00:13:56,750
We don't work for anybody anymore.
209
00:13:57,870 --> 00:13:59,710
You owe Jimmy an apology as well.
210
00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:01,130
Who, your bloke?
211
00:14:01,310 --> 00:14:02,690
What have I done to him?
212
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:03,950
Ruined his evening.
213
00:14:04,350 --> 00:14:07,170
Oh, you didn't work evenings as well.
No, I did not.
214
00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:10,640
must have felt as though he was going
out with a log of wood.
215
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,620
You've always been very stimulating
company, Sandra.
216
00:14:14,940 --> 00:14:17,080
When I can keep me eyes open, yes.
217
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:19,860
I've been whacked after a day in this
place.
218
00:14:20,220 --> 00:14:22,520
Well, I wouldn't have minded if you'd
taken on temporary staff.
219
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,540
And what would I have paid them with?
The buttons off me blouse?
220
00:14:26,020 --> 00:14:27,420
You haven't been paid either, have you?
221
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,160
You're quick.
222
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,520
I'll make it up to you, Sandra, with a
big fat bonus.
223
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:33,040
From what? From the business.
224
00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:34,300
What business?
225
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:35,920
You're finished.
226
00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:37,560
Blosh has...
227
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:41,620
Good morning, Splosh.
228
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:49,000
Well, yes, I'm terribly... This
company's name is either Mud or a
229
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,760
Stock. And I'm giving you two weeks'
notice.
230
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,860
Oh, come on, Sandra, don't be hasty,
please.
231
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,780
I've had six weeks to think about it.
232
00:14:57,260 --> 00:14:58,900
I've got my own life to live.
233
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:01,360
I'm supposed to be saving up to get
married.
234
00:15:01,980 --> 00:15:06,240
I need a steady job with a steady income
and a steady boss.
235
00:15:06,620 --> 00:15:09,140
I'd like to be Sandra, but I think I'd
die boredom.
236
00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:11,540
Thanks for hanging on as long as you
did.
237
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:13,240
We're me.
238
00:15:13,740 --> 00:15:15,540
I wouldn't have done it for anybody
else.
239
00:15:17,180 --> 00:15:18,180
Where are you going?
240
00:15:19,020 --> 00:15:21,260
Lunch. I haven't had one for six weeks.
241
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:26,480
You have a go.
242
00:15:30,340 --> 00:15:34,060
Good morning.
243
00:15:37,390 --> 00:15:38,810
Well, that's very intemperate language.
244
00:15:40,150 --> 00:15:41,069
Hold on.
245
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:44,090
I've painted it myself now, so stick
that up your pipe.
246
00:15:44,750 --> 00:15:45,750
Thank you.
247
00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:49,450
Hello?
248
00:15:50,530 --> 00:15:51,530
Hello?
249
00:15:56,970 --> 00:15:57,970
Hello, Lidley.
250
00:15:58,130 --> 00:15:59,130
Hello, Charles.
251
00:15:59,150 --> 00:16:01,370
Hello, Jacko. Well, what can I do you
for?
252
00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:05,250
Me? Nothing. It's Giles who wants to see
you. Oh, well, sit yourselves down.
253
00:16:11,540 --> 00:16:14,720
Yes. Well, the thing is, I feel
peculiar.
254
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:17,960
Something you hate?
255
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,880
No. Awkward is a better word.
256
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:26,960
In the army, you see, one generally
expresses oneself by one's pips and
257
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:32,360
But when one's in mufti, the other
chap... Well, he's another chap.
258
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:35,540
And it's not a straight road, you see.
259
00:16:35,980 --> 00:16:37,400
Well, I understand what you mean,
Charles.
260
00:16:37,660 --> 00:16:38,569
Do you?
261
00:16:38,570 --> 00:16:40,330
I haven't got a faintest idea what
you're talking about.
262
00:16:40,730 --> 00:16:41,730
Ah.
263
00:16:42,090 --> 00:16:43,090
Hmm.
264
00:16:43,430 --> 00:16:46,530
Giles is deeply concerned about his
investment in your company.
265
00:16:47,170 --> 00:16:50,330
Oh. Not deeply concerned, Leslie.
266
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,290
Just a touch worried.
267
00:16:52,490 --> 00:16:54,390
You said deeply concerned to me.
268
00:16:54,630 --> 00:16:55,569
Did I?
269
00:16:55,570 --> 00:16:59,710
Look, I can understand that you were
concerned, Giles. Deeply. Deeply
270
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:04,180
And I do admit that the company's had a
few minor problems of late. Like, you
271
00:17:04,180 --> 00:17:07,720
know, being here for six weeks? Yes, and
I admit that the company's name,
272
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,720
Splosh, has got a bit mud -spattered
lately.
273
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:15,420
But I do intend to put this company
right back on its feet by changing its
274
00:17:15,420 --> 00:17:20,900
to something like, um, Dollop, and
launching a whole new advertising
275
00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:23,660
Super! And how will you fund it?
276
00:17:24,180 --> 00:17:25,440
With your money!
277
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:27,520
Oh.
278
00:17:27,940 --> 00:17:28,980
I've blown it, haven't I?
279
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:31,559
I wouldn't say that.
280
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:32,559
Yes, you would.
281
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:33,780
I'll tell you what I'll do, Giles.
282
00:17:34,580 --> 00:17:37,620
I'll sell the whole shebang and I'll
give you all your money back.
283
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:38,880
Go on.
284
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:40,220
Oh, this is awful.
285
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:42,940
It's like court -martialing somebody.
286
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,860
Well, as long as you don't rip the
buckles off me dungarees.
287
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,200
Thanks for everything, Giles. No hard
feelings.
288
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:50,720
You've been a brick.
289
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,720
One is brought up to be a brick, but
it's awfully nice to be called one.
290
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,200
Charles,
291
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,580
do you mind if I have a quick word with
Leslie, please?
292
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,860
Oh, yes, of course.
293
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,980
I'll just go and count some railings.
294
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:13,840
I know what you're going to say.
295
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,700
Right, so we'll take the swear words as
read then, shall we? Now, why did you
296
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:18,980
put Charles up to it, Leslie?
297
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:22,860
Spike? And there's me thinking that you
and I are going through one of our less
298
00:18:22,860 --> 00:18:23,860
hostile phases.
299
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:25,240
Nothing personal.
300
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,100
I just wanted to put you out of
business.
301
00:18:28,319 --> 00:18:29,520
Oh, that's all right, then.
302
00:18:29,940 --> 00:18:31,680
Daddy's company is all I've got.
303
00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:33,100
It's all Mummy's got.
304
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,160
No, it's all you've got, Leslie, yes.
305
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:36,680
Well, it's one less competitor.
306
00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:39,120
I have to think of my financial security
now.
307
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:42,600
Well, I don't see how that applies. Not
when you're being subsidised by Giles,
308
00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:43,720
who owns half of Hampshire.
309
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,000
Yes, well, that might not be permanent.
310
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:47,800
I thought you and him were going to get
married.
311
00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:49,100
He's very sweet.
312
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,120
But there's not a lot of steel there.
313
00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:52,920
You should marry a line tamer.
314
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,500
I might not marry anybody.
315
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,480
And if I don't, who's going to look
after me with Daddy gone?
316
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:02,060
Well, who's going to look after me with
my business gone, eh?
317
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,480
Oh, you'll be all right. You'll bounce
back.
318
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:05,720
You're a survivor.
319
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,160
Well, I have to be with people like you
around, Leslie.
320
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,400
I'm sorry.
321
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,400
You know those little insects on the top
of ponds?
322
00:19:17,180 --> 00:19:18,180
Waterboatmen. Yeah.
323
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:19,880
They're like us, really, aren't they?
324
00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:23,000
We flit about a lot and never really
penetrate the surface.
325
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:26,680
In another life, we could have been made
for each other.
326
00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:28,500
Well, not necessarily, Leslie.
327
00:19:28,820 --> 00:19:29,820
I could have been a girl.
328
00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:43,520
I don't know how you can do it.
329
00:19:44,260 --> 00:19:45,059
Do what?
330
00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:47,160
I don't know how you can just lie there
like that.
331
00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:50,300
Well, it's easy. You pick your feet off
the floor and you swing them off the end
332
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:51,300
of the chair.
333
00:19:52,460 --> 00:19:53,460
Her father sleeps.
334
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:54,820
I was just saying, Eric.
335
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,200
I don't know how he can just lie there
like that.
336
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,860
You should be worrying yourself sick.
337
00:20:00,860 --> 00:20:02,960
You going to come out of this with
anything left over?
338
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,580
Oh, yeah. Mind you, I've got to bring
Sandra's wages up to date and give her a
339
00:20:07,580 --> 00:20:08,580
big fat bonus.
340
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,580
I haven't forgotten that I still owe
rent here.
341
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:13,220
I never mentioned rent.
342
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,300
No? Well, what was it, the first word
you put on the board when we were
343
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:18,300
Scrabble this morning?
344
00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:20,120
Oh, don't make me feel rotten.
345
00:20:23,850 --> 00:20:25,050
Who will you end up with, Jacko?
346
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,850
I'll have this part of the tidy few,
Bob.
347
00:20:28,070 --> 00:20:31,170
And you're just sitting there reading
about Charlton Athletic?
348
00:20:31,550 --> 00:20:32,990
I'm not, as a matter of fact.
349
00:20:33,810 --> 00:20:35,410
I moved on to Steve Davis.
350
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:40,530
You know, I sometimes wonder whether you
and I are of the same flesh and blood.
351
00:20:40,590 --> 00:20:42,810
I just don't know what makes you tick.
352
00:20:43,050 --> 00:20:43,709
No, Jean.
353
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:48,030
See, his attitude derives from a simple
difference in gender.
354
00:20:48,350 --> 00:20:52,970
You see, a man faced with a crisis very
often adopts her.
355
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,740
A devil -may -care attitude.
356
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:56,320
I know I do.
357
00:20:58,460 --> 00:21:02,700
One payment we missed on the television
and you had stomachache for three days.
358
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,840
That's because I ate some of the kids'
Play -Doh.
359
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,860
I thought it was marzipan.
360
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,000
Oh, by the way, I forgot.
361
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,400
These came for you, too.
362
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:28,240
You were cordially invited to a
champagne buffet at the Chanticleer
363
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:29,700
403, 8pm Friday.
364
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:31,400
But I... Well, it doesn't say.
365
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,400
Well, a champagne buffet, eh?
366
00:21:34,740 --> 00:21:36,940
Well, I'll have some of that. Yeah, so
will I.
367
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:38,680
You're not going.
368
00:21:40,780 --> 00:21:41,780
Why not?
369
00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:43,900
Because we can't afford it.
370
00:21:44,180 --> 00:21:45,620
Where does it say we pay?
371
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,780
Oh, use your nod, Eric, do.
372
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,100
It's obvious what it is.
373
00:21:50,340 --> 00:21:51,660
They're after your money.
374
00:21:52,430 --> 00:21:58,090
It'll be a glass of sparkling wine, a
sausage on a stick, and give us 100 quid
375
00:21:58,090 --> 00:22:00,130
for a signed print by some unknown
artist.
376
00:22:00,510 --> 00:22:01,510
Special offer.
377
00:22:01,610 --> 00:22:03,590
Only 50 million copies available.
378
00:22:04,330 --> 00:22:06,810
You're getting very cynical in your old
age, Jean.
379
00:22:07,070 --> 00:22:08,550
Well, what else could it be?
380
00:22:08,990 --> 00:22:12,490
Well, it could be some Arab sheik
wanting a couple of blokes to paint his
381
00:22:12,550 --> 00:22:15,910
eh? No, it's either selling or some sort
of promotion.
382
00:22:16,390 --> 00:22:17,430
What promotion?
383
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:26,360
A lot of so -called models wearing
little more than a sash pushing some new
384
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,360
product.
385
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,640
Still, it's not as if we're doing
anything on Friday.
386
00:22:31,980 --> 00:22:33,120
You will be.
387
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:34,440
What?
388
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:36,740
Well, I don't know yet.
389
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,920
Well, it looks like I'll have to go for
the both of us, Eric.
390
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,880
Oh, that typical you, that is.
391
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:47,240
You should be thinking about where you
go from rock bottom, not going off on
392
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:48,940
some magical mystery tour.
393
00:22:49,530 --> 00:22:50,750
Who dares win, Jean?
394
00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:52,170
That's the SAS.
395
00:22:52,530 --> 00:22:53,850
How do you know I'm not in it?
396
00:22:54,830 --> 00:22:55,830
No women.
397
00:23:19,310 --> 00:23:20,029
Excuse me.
398
00:23:20,030 --> 00:23:22,410
Are you headed for suite 403?
399
00:23:22,690 --> 00:23:24,390
Why? What's happening in suite 403?
400
00:23:24,610 --> 00:23:26,150
Well, I don't know till we get there.
401
00:23:26,390 --> 00:23:27,690
How crew can you get?
402
00:23:28,030 --> 00:23:29,430
Well, how crew do you want me to be?
403
00:23:53,139 --> 00:23:56,120
Champagne. And some, um, some of them
things.
404
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,760
Well, what do you think? Not bad for a
temporary gaffe, is it?
405
00:24:02,020 --> 00:24:03,640
What have you done, Wonderballs?
406
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:05,920
No, I made it big down under.
407
00:24:06,220 --> 00:24:07,780
Oh, you actually went to Australia then?
408
00:24:08,060 --> 00:24:10,040
Yeah, well, I bought the beach bar,
hadn't I?
409
00:24:10,580 --> 00:24:13,040
Incidentally, you want to brush up on
your geography.
410
00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:15,600
Ali Springs is not on the coast.
411
00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:16,699
Isn't it?
412
00:24:16,700 --> 00:24:21,590
No. No, miles from anywhere it is.
Bloody desert as far as the eye can see.
413
00:24:21,930 --> 00:24:24,530
So how come all this affluence then? A
lot of passing trade?
414
00:24:24,850 --> 00:24:30,390
Trade? I only had two customers in a
week. One was in a tempering society and
415
00:24:30,390 --> 00:24:33,310
all the other one wanted was a drink of
water for his camel.
416
00:24:33,610 --> 00:24:37,550
So what did you do, rob a stagecoach?
No, I sold up at a loss.
417
00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:38,810
I'm no fool.
418
00:24:39,210 --> 00:24:41,890
I pitched a lift to Wongabara.
419
00:24:42,190 --> 00:24:42,909
Where's that?
420
00:24:42,910 --> 00:24:43,910
God knows.
421
00:24:44,510 --> 00:24:47,700
Um... Have some caviar. Oh, sure.
422
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,020
Oh, there's caviar.
423
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:53,920
But what did you think was caviar?
424
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:55,280
Oh, these.
425
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,860
No, well, no, they're quail's eggs.
426
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,840
I thought they were a bit big for a fish
to eat.
427
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:05,020
Look, come on, come on. So you went to
Wanda Ross's name, right?
428
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:10,540
You've sold the bar in the desert and
you don't know where you are. Right.
429
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:12,860
So I end up in his pub.
430
00:25:13,210 --> 00:25:17,130
Having a drink with this bloke called
Mad Jack Halloran. What made him mad,
431
00:25:17,210 --> 00:25:19,510
Elmo? People not believing him, mate.
432
00:25:20,130 --> 00:25:21,890
I'm no fool, I did.
433
00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:24,630
Became partners that same night.
434
00:25:24,850 --> 00:25:26,090
So what did you become partners in?
435
00:25:26,430 --> 00:25:33,390
Gold prospecting. Ah, right, so Elmo
Putney and Mad Jack Halloran set off in
436
00:25:33,390 --> 00:25:34,390
search of gold.
437
00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:35,590
No, no, there were four of them.
438
00:25:35,950 --> 00:25:38,630
He had his mule and I, of course, had my
dog.
439
00:25:38,890 --> 00:25:43,150
Right, so this highly scientific
expedition actually found gold?
440
00:25:43,410 --> 00:25:46,570
Not a sniff of it. We found opals
instead.
441
00:25:47,510 --> 00:25:52,470
Opals? Yeah, it's sort of shiny jewel
with all kind of coloured flexes. I know
442
00:25:52,470 --> 00:25:53,750
what an opal is, Elmo.
443
00:25:54,310 --> 00:25:56,770
How did you find them? The dog did.
444
00:25:56,970 --> 00:26:01,870
He went off to do his doings, come back
with an opal in his mouth.
445
00:26:02,380 --> 00:26:04,580
They're very close to the surface, you
see.
446
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,440
If it's that easy, Elmo, I don't know
what all the fuss is about.
447
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:08,640
Well, neither do I.
448
00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:10,740
So here you are, then.
449
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,000
Largest life and opal rich. Yeah.
450
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:17,580
I know some people around here used to
think I was tough and short of a
451
00:26:17,580 --> 00:26:21,540
shilling, but I've obviously got a
brilliant business mind, haven't I?
452
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,440
Well, having a dog that can find opals,
Elmo, you must have.
453
00:26:25,540 --> 00:26:27,880
Anyway, where is the pooch with the
magic touch?
454
00:26:28,220 --> 00:26:30,840
Is he in quarantine? No, he's stayed on.
455
00:26:31,260 --> 00:26:32,500
He married a dingo.
456
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:36,640
So what are you doing now? You on a
world cruise?
457
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:38,960
No, I've come back for good.
458
00:26:39,300 --> 00:26:40,580
Got homesick.
459
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:41,920
Missed the rain.
460
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:43,920
Missed the cultural life of London.
461
00:26:44,540 --> 00:26:48,340
Missed a decent warm beer. And what's
more, I'll miss me mates.
462
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,480
You're talking a witch, where's Eric?
463
00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:53,140
Oh, he couldn't make it, Elmo. He's in
detention.
464
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:54,719
What's he done?
465
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,080
He rubbed Jean up the wrong way.
466
00:26:57,710 --> 00:27:00,850
So what are you going to do now? Get
yourself another dog and go prospecting
467
00:27:00,850 --> 00:27:01,870
diamonds in Hyde Park?
468
00:27:02,130 --> 00:27:04,430
No, no. No dog could replace Derek.
469
00:27:05,690 --> 00:27:07,650
For me, how have you been, Jack?
470
00:27:07,950 --> 00:27:11,030
How's business? How's splosh? How's
splosh, Elmo?
471
00:27:11,350 --> 00:27:13,510
Well, that's slowly sinking into the
west.
472
00:27:13,970 --> 00:27:15,130
I've got to sell the business.
473
00:27:15,490 --> 00:27:16,490
Oh, dear.
474
00:27:16,590 --> 00:27:18,810
Well, I haven't got your business
acumen, you see.
475
00:27:19,070 --> 00:27:20,029
No, no.
476
00:27:20,030 --> 00:27:21,510
Hang about. Hang about.
477
00:27:21,910 --> 00:27:23,290
It's happening to me again.
478
00:27:23,730 --> 00:27:24,429
What is?
479
00:27:24,430 --> 00:27:25,450
I'm sparking.
480
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,120
You're not plugged into anything, are
you?
481
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:28,460
No ideas.
482
00:27:29,060 --> 00:27:34,160
Look, I buy Splosh and you can run it
for me. Of course, we'd have to change
483
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:38,820
name to something like, I don't know,
Elmo Putney's Painting Firm.
484
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:39,979
It's catchy.
485
00:27:39,980 --> 00:27:42,400
I'll top any offer you've got. Pay
terrific wages.
486
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:43,960
Me work for you?
487
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,940
Yeah. I'll tell you what, Elmo, let me
think about it, eh?
488
00:27:47,140 --> 00:27:48,140
Yeah, of course.
489
00:27:48,540 --> 00:27:51,220
Do you know, there's a tip there is
that's in business.
490
00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:53,520
Never rush into things.
491
00:27:54,140 --> 00:27:55,140
I'll remember that.
492
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:56,840
Well, so long, old friend.
493
00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:59,980
Going? We've got all that lot to get
through.
494
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:01,500
What, just the two of us?
495
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:06,700
Well, I did send out 50 invitations, but
you're the only one that turned up. Oh,
496
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:07,940
don't go, Jacko.
497
00:28:08,300 --> 00:28:10,000
No. Of course not, Elmo.
498
00:28:10,460 --> 00:28:11,460
Come on, let's get in.
499
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:16,480
Right.
500
00:28:21,540 --> 00:28:23,020
They hardly can have a get now.
501
00:28:30,710 --> 00:28:32,490
I like you on the camera!
502
00:28:57,260 --> 00:28:58,900
Because of you.
503
00:29:00,820 --> 00:29:03,520
Because of you.
36451
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