Original subtitles

All thanks to you, these things I do,

because of you,

because of you.

I've never been to a cremation before.

Have you?

No. I wonder what they do.

Well, they burn them, don't they?

Well, I prefer to be buried myself.

You know where you are, then.

Well, other people would at least.

Ta -da!

Anything in the pot?

Well, I expect you're wondering where I've been.

The thought had crossed our minds. For the last six weeks.

Did you find Julie or not?

Yes, but it didn't work out. So I went to... I went to Cairo.

What are you doing in black?

We're going to a funeral.

Yes. Come on, or we'll be late.

Whose funeral?

Lionel's.

How are you?

Bainbridge is no more.

I, the salamander general of his lodge by his express mandate, am going to say

few words about him. Very few words.

It would take more than a few words to say what Lionel Bainbridge was.

He was a man for all seasons.

To his wife, Veronica, he was a loving, devoted, ever cheerful companion.

Leslie, he was almost a magical figure. Wise, kind, but firm.

Someone she could model herself on.

Who his workmate, and I use the word mate deliberately, for Lionel never set

himself above others.

A pickwickian figure to whom they could always turn in moments of trouble. Door

ever open for a quiet chat.

I don't know if any employee of Lionel's ever left his office without feeling

warmed and cured.

The circles his pebble made in the waters of life reached out even to the

families of his employees.

You know, I believe they may have called him Uncle Lionel.

Dr. Park has lost one of her favorite sons.

will mourn his passing.

And may I will end this little tribute to Lionel by quoting a saying we have at

the lodge.

He is gone, but he isn't.

He left us, but he didn't.

He'd have come back, but he couldn't.

And finally, and this was an express wish of Lionel's, Confided to me over a

martini... over a... I'm so cheery.

Will you please join me in a song that was very dear to our land?

When father painted the pie You couldn't see

father paint Slapping his tears, slapping...

Hello, Veronica.

Hello, Jack. Hello.

I am very sorry.

Thank you.

You'll come back to the house, won't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I'd like to.

Excuse

me,

sir. Yeah? I don't wish to seem indelicate, but were you singing when

Piper'd the parlour in there?

Yeah.

Adagio Funeroso.

What was that?

He was a painter.

Oh, very apt.

I don't want him to in our go.

Well, I could have.

Happy days are here again.

Yeah, just making some coffee. Do you want one? I'd love one.

Gordon, you couldn't have known about all this.

No, well, I only got back today.

Where have you been all this time?

Cairo. What were you doing in Cairo?

Oh, it's a long story.

I'll tell you about it one day.

I thought the ceremony went off very nicely.

Well, it went off.

I thought the Salamander General's little tribute was very... was very...

Inventive?

Yeah, it was a bit, wasn't it?

Let's face it, he wasn't describing the Lionel we all knew, was he? I thought

I'd come to the wrong place for a moment.

Still, who'd want someone to get up at a time like that and tell the truth about

you? Well, I certainly wouldn't.

How did he... Die?

Yeah.

At the lodge?

Hart? No, beer, I suspect.

They were doing one of their so -called ceremonies, apparently.

Not the one on the window ledge.

You got it.

Lost his balance.

He didn't have his trousers round his ankles, did he?

Yes.

I have to say, it wasn't the most dignified way to go, was it?

But Lionel and Dignity never really walked arm in arm.

Of course, they had to have an inquest.

Oh, well, that's probably because of the slightly unusual circumstances,

presumably.

I did feel a fool in that coroner's court.

I mean, it was my husband.

And there they were, asking questions about what he was doing on the window

ledge in the first place, why his trousers were round his ankles, why he

clutching a tin tray.

Oh, they banged themselves on the head with that. Yeah, that emerged.

Of course, the whole thing was made more ridiculous by the...

salamander general having to answer certain questions.

Well, didn't he claim diplomatic immunity?

Something like that, yeah.

Till they threatened him with prison.

They should have threatened to burn him. He'd have been all right then. What

with being a salamander and all that.

I mean, not a fool.

Have the police insisted that they install a permanent safety net?

No, they've reached a compromise.

They can still do the window ledge thing, but it has to be from the ground

floor.

So if anybody comes a cropper, they fall straight into the daffodils, eh?

I don't know.

Lionel would have to go like that, wouldn't he?

Perhaps he would have wanted it, eh?

I've got a horrible feeling he would.

Anyway, better get this in.

Yeah.

We want to talk to you.

I'll see you later. Where are you going?

Runnymede.

All right. Where is he?

He's gone to Runnymede.

Don't you dare try to creep up those stairs.

I was not trying to creep up any stairs.

Any tea in the pot?

No. Right.

We've waited up for you.

But why don't you just adopt me and be done with it?

Oh, I could slap you round the ear up sometime.

Oh, that's a lovely welcome home, that is.

All right, why all the hostility?

Well, let me refresh your memory, in case you've forgotten.

Six weeks ago... Six weeks?

You tore off, saying the only thing you wanted out of life was Julie. And we

haven't heard a blind word from you since.

So what happened?

You found her, right?

Yes, but she's married.

Oh, dear, that's bad luck. I'm sorry, Jacko.

Thank you, Eric.

Yes, well, I'm sorry too.

Thank you, James.

How come Julie was living in Cairo? She wasn't. She lives on the Isle of Wight.

So how come Cairo?

Well, I just sort of ended up there, really.

You don't just sort of end up in Cairo.

No, look, after I left Julie, I felt a bit down, obviously.

She's happy enough, and I wasn't exactly turned down. Didn't feel like coming

home, so I went on a Mediterranean cruise.

Oh, the logical thing to do, obviously.

Thanks for phoning to let us know.

Well, it was all a bit of a rusty.

So, you cruised to Cairo? No, portside, actually, but there was this excursion

to Cairo, and I thought it might be a good idea.

Better than finding a telephone.

Hey, did you see the Sphinx?

No. I met one, though.

Very enigmatic smile she had.

I sure her name was.

Here we go.

Was she descended in a direct line from Nefertiti?

No. She nicked all me credit cards.

Here I was, miles away from anywhere and penniless. So I took this job in a

nightclub. Doing the cabaret, presumably.

No. Hey, did they have any, you know...

Jean, you know I'm interested in folklore.

Oh, that's what they call it, is it?

About this nightclub, it must have had several phones where a person could

from. Yes, but Egyptian telecom is only slightly in advance of British telecom.

He doesn't say any more.

So how do you get home? Hire an Arab dhow.

You're as daft as he is.

Well, I must say, your welcome has cut me to the quick.

Good night, Eric.

You wait till you see Sandra. She'll probably cut your throat.

May

I

have that back, please?

Oh, for goodness' sake, Sandra, I've explained where I've been. I've told you

what's happened.

Aren't you just the teeniest bit pleased to see me?

I'm glad you're not dead.

That's as far as I'll go.

How can I be lost at sea?

You were lost at sea.

Six weeks I've been trying to keep this place going.

You try running a painter's and decorator's with nobody to do the

decorating.

It's like running a library with no books.

Putting off people here, putting off people there.

Well, no firm can do anything the very next day.

No, but they can at least give a hint when.

What was I to say?

He's disappeared off the face of the earth and I don't know when he's coming

back. Well, you knew I'd be back.

Did I?

Where would I glean that information from?

Some of the language I've had to put up with.

Anybody talks to you like that, Sandra, we don't work for them.

We don't work for anybody anymore.

You owe Jimmy an apology as well.

Who, your bloke?

What have I done to him?

Ruined his evening.

Oh, you didn't work evenings as well. No, I did not.

must have felt as though he was going out with a log of wood.

You've always been very stimulating company, Sandra.

When I can keep me eyes open, yes.

I've been whacked after a day in this place.

Well, I wouldn't have minded if you'd taken on temporary staff.

And what would I have paid them with? The buttons off me blouse?

You haven't been paid either, have you?

You're quick.

I'll make it up to you, Sandra, with a big fat bonus.

From what? From the business.

What business?

You're finished.

Blosh has...

Good morning, Splosh.

Well, yes, I'm terribly... This company's name is either Mud or a

Stock. And I'm giving you two weeks' notice.

Oh, come on, Sandra, don't be hasty, please.

I've had six weeks to think about it.

I've got my own life to live.

I'm supposed to be saving up to get married.

I need a steady job with a steady income and a steady boss.

I'd like to be Sandra, but I think I'd die boredom.

Thanks for hanging on as long as you did.

We're me.

I wouldn't have done it for anybody else.

Where are you going?

Lunch. I haven't had one for six weeks.

You have a go.

Good morning.

Well, that's very intemperate language.

Hold on.

I've painted it myself now, so stick that up your pipe.

Thank you.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, Lidley.

Hello, Charles.

Hello, Jacko. Well, what can I do you for?

Me? Nothing. It's Giles who wants to see you. Oh, well, sit yourselves down.

Yes. Well, the thing is, I feel peculiar.

Something you hate?

No. Awkward is a better word.

In the army, you see, one generally expresses oneself by one's pips and

But when one's in mufti, the other chap... Well, he's another chap.

And it's not a straight road, you see.

Well, I understand what you mean, Charles.

Do you?

I haven't got a faintest idea what you're talking about.

Ah.

Hmm.

Giles is deeply concerned about his investment in your company.

Oh. Not deeply concerned, Leslie.

Just a touch worried.

You said deeply concerned to me.

Did I?

Look, I can understand that you were concerned, Giles. Deeply. Deeply

And I do admit that the company's had a few minor problems of late. Like, you

know, being here for six weeks? Yes, and I admit that the company's name,

Splosh, has got a bit mud -spattered lately.

But I do intend to put this company right back on its feet by changing its

to something like, um, Dollop, and launching a whole new advertising

Super! And how will you fund it?

With your money!

Oh.

I've blown it, haven't I?

I wouldn't say that.

Yes, you would.

I'll tell you what I'll do, Giles.

I'll sell the whole shebang and I'll give you all your money back.

Go on.

Oh, this is awful.

It's like court -martialing somebody.

Well, as long as you don't rip the buckles off me dungarees.

Thanks for everything, Giles. No hard feelings.

You've been a brick.

One is brought up to be a brick, but it's awfully nice to be called one.

Charles,

do you mind if I have a quick word with Leslie, please?

Oh, yes, of course.

I'll just go and count some railings.

I know what you're going to say.

Right, so we'll take the swear words as read then, shall we? Now, why did you

put Charles up to it, Leslie?

Spike? And there's me thinking that you and I are going through one of our less

hostile phases.

Nothing personal.

I just wanted to put you out of business.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Daddy's company is all I've got.

It's all Mummy's got.

No, it's all you've got, Leslie, yes.

Well, it's one less competitor.

I have to think of my financial security now.

Well, I don't see how that applies. Not when you're being subsidised by Giles,

who owns half of Hampshire.

Yes, well, that might not be permanent.

I thought you and him were going to get married.

He's very sweet.

But there's not a lot of steel there.

You should marry a line tamer.

I might not marry anybody.

And if I don't, who's going to look after me with Daddy gone?

Well, who's going to look after me with my business gone, eh?

Oh, you'll be all right. You'll bounce back.

You're a survivor.

Well, I have to be with people like you around, Leslie.

I'm sorry.

You know those little insects on the top of ponds?

Waterboatmen. Yeah.

They're like us, really, aren't they?

We flit about a lot and never really penetrate the surface.

In another life, we could have been made for each other.

Well, not necessarily, Leslie.

I could have been a girl.

I don't know how you can do it.

Do what?

I don't know how you can just lie there like that.

Well, it's easy. You pick your feet off the floor and you swing them off the end

of the chair.

Her father sleeps.

I was just saying, Eric.

I don't know how he can just lie there like that.

You should be worrying yourself sick.

You going to come out of this with anything left over?

Oh, yeah. Mind you, I've got to bring Sandra's wages up to date and give her a

big fat bonus.

I haven't forgotten that I still owe rent here.

I never mentioned rent.

No? Well, what was it, the first word you put on the board when we were

Scrabble this morning?

Oh, don't make me feel rotten.

Who will you end up with, Jacko?

I'll have this part of the tidy few, Bob.

And you're just sitting there reading about Charlton Athletic?

I'm not, as a matter of fact.

I moved on to Steve Davis.

You know, I sometimes wonder whether you and I are of the same flesh and blood.

I just don't know what makes you tick.

No, Jean.

See, his attitude derives from a simple difference in gender.

You see, a man faced with a crisis very often adopts her.

A devil -may -care attitude.

I know I do.

One payment we missed on the television and you had stomachache for three days.

That's because I ate some of the kids' Play -Doh.

I thought it was marzipan.

Oh, by the way, I forgot.

These came for you, too.

You were cordially invited to a champagne buffet at the Chanticleer

403, 8pm Friday.

But I... Well, it doesn't say.

Well, a champagne buffet, eh?

Well, I'll have some of that. Yeah, so will I.

You're not going.

Why not?

Because we can't afford it.

Where does it say we pay?

Oh, use your nod, Eric, do.

It's obvious what it is.

They're after your money.

It'll be a glass of sparkling wine, a sausage on a stick, and give us 100 quid

for a signed print by some unknown artist.

Special offer.

Only 50 million copies available.

You're getting very cynical in your old age, Jean.

Well, what else could it be?

Well, it could be some Arab sheik wanting a couple of blokes to paint his

eh? No, it's either selling or some sort of promotion.

What promotion?

A lot of so -called models wearing little more than a sash pushing some new

product.

Still, it's not as if we're doing anything on Friday.

You will be.

What?

Well, I don't know yet.

Well, it looks like I'll have to go for the both of us, Eric.

Oh, that typical you, that is.

You should be thinking about where you go from rock bottom, not going off on

some magical mystery tour.

Who dares win, Jean?

That's the SAS.

How do you know I'm not in it?

No women.

Excuse me.

Are you headed for suite 403?

Why? What's happening in suite 403?

Well, I don't know till we get there.

How crew can you get?

Well, how crew do you want me to be?

Champagne. And some, um, some of them things.

Well, what do you think? Not bad for a temporary gaffe, is it?

What have you done, Wonderballs?

No, I made it big down under.

Oh, you actually went to Australia then?

Yeah, well, I bought the beach bar, hadn't I?

Incidentally, you want to brush up on your geography.

Ali Springs is not on the coast.

Isn't it?

No. No, miles from anywhere it is. Bloody desert as far as the eye can see.

So how come all this affluence then? A lot of passing trade?

Trade? I only had two customers in a week. One was in a tempering society and

all the other one wanted was a drink of water for his camel.

So what did you do, rob a stagecoach? No, I sold up at a loss.

I'm no fool.

I pitched a lift to Wongabara.

Where's that?

God knows.

Um... Have some caviar. Oh, sure.

Oh, there's caviar.

But what did you think was caviar?

Oh, these.

No, well, no, they're quail's eggs.

I thought they were a bit big for a fish to eat.

Look, come on, come on. So you went to Wanda Ross's name, right?

You've sold the bar in the desert and you don't know where you are. Right.

So I end up in his pub.

Having a drink with this bloke called Mad Jack Halloran. What made him mad,

Elmo? People not believing him, mate.

I'm no fool, I did.

Became partners that same night.

So what did you become partners in?

Gold prospecting. Ah, right, so Elmo Putney and Mad Jack Halloran set off in

search of gold.

No, no, there were four of them.

He had his mule and I, of course, had my dog.

Right, so this highly scientific expedition actually found gold?

Not a sniff of it. We found opals instead.

Opals? Yeah, it's sort of shiny jewel with all kind of coloured flexes. I know

what an opal is, Elmo.

How did you find them? The dog did.

He went off to do his doings, come back with an opal in his mouth.

They're very close to the surface, you see.

If it's that easy, Elmo, I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Well, neither do I.

So here you are, then.

Largest life and opal rich. Yeah.

I know some people around here used to think I was tough and short of a

shilling, but I've obviously got a brilliant business mind, haven't I?

Well, having a dog that can find opals, Elmo, you must have.

Anyway, where is the pooch with the magic touch?

Is he in quarantine? No, he's stayed on.

He married a dingo.

So what are you doing now? You on a world cruise?

No, I've come back for good.

Got homesick.

Missed the rain.

Missed the cultural life of London.

Missed a decent warm beer. And what's more, I'll miss me mates.

You're talking a witch, where's Eric?

Oh, he couldn't make it, Elmo. He's in detention.

What's he done?

He rubbed Jean up the wrong way.

So what are you going to do now? Get yourself another dog and go prospecting

diamonds in Hyde Park?

No, no. No dog could replace Derek.

For me, how have you been, Jack?

How's business? How's splosh? How's splosh, Elmo?

Well, that's slowly sinking into the west.

I've got to sell the business.

Oh, dear.

Well, I haven't got your business acumen, you see.

No, no.

Hang about. Hang about.

It's happening to me again.

What is?

I'm sparking.

You're not plugged into anything, are you?

No ideas.

Look, I buy Splosh and you can run it for me. Of course, we'd have to change

name to something like, I don't know, Elmo Putney's Painting Firm.

It's catchy.

I'll top any offer you've got. Pay terrific wages.

Me work for you?

Yeah. I'll tell you what, Elmo, let me think about it, eh?

Yeah, of course.

Do you know, there's a tip there is that's in business.

Never rush into things.

I'll remember that.

Well, so long, old friend.

Going? We've got all that lot to get through.

What, just the two of us?

Well, I did send out 50 invitations, but you're the only one that turned up. Oh,

don't go, Jacko.

No. Of course not, Elmo.

Come on, let's get in.

Right.

They hardly can have a get now.

I like you on the camera!

Because of you.

Because of you.

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