Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you,

because of you.

Well, it's all happening in here, isn't it?

It's like the Marist he left.

Well, at least there's no -one to tell Lionel you're drinking with the enemy. I

don't think he'd approve.

On the contrary, Sandra, he encourages it. I've told him I'm spying on you.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

What's that?

I think it must be Elmo killing something in one of his sandwiches.

Well, let's talk him a lesson.

The BBC.

He only rejected my demo tape.

Good gracious, not you singing Bee Bop -a -Loo -la in the house that arrived

son.

What can they be thinking of, Elmo? Taste his loons.

It was my last chance, that was, becoming a pop singer.

Breweries start boarding me windows up tomorrow.

Anyway, have whatever you like. It's on me.

Be the last drink you ever have in Elmo's. Well, I think lagers, eh?

Not right to break with tradition at a time like this.

Well, at least you've got a sense of tradition.

Hundreds of people are expected in here today. Have a farewell drink, shake me

hand, nobody turned up.

Elmo, they're not going to board the pub up with you still in it, are they? Like

a pharaoh in his tomb.

No, I've got to stay on for a few days while they check the stock out.

But that's the other jobs in the trade.

No, I'm on a blacklist.

You wouldn't like my dog, would you?

No.

Could you do me a favour, then?

Yeah, sure.

Would you... Would you shoot it for me?

No!

What do you want to get rid of it for, anyway?

Well, with the life ahead of me, I can't ask a dog to share that.

Come on, Elmo, it's not the end of the world.

Something will turn up. The next thing to turn up in my life will probably be

toes.

Excuse me, I'm just going to burn the dartboard.

Enjoy your drinks. Have a good time.

Well, I'm glad we came in.

Oh, let's talk about something else.

Has Lionel got a new secretary yet?

Eight. How many? No, he's had eight secretaries since you.

They've all either left in tears, high dodging or threatening legal action.

See? I told you I'm irreplaceable. No, I think it was me leaving that broke his

heart. No, no, he still laughs about that every day.

Oh, what's he doing now?

He's probably flung himself on top of his burning dartboard.

Sutty, it's called in India.

Secretary of sausage, none of them.

Look, David, can I get back to you on this one? I haven't got a secretary at

moment.

Yeah, well, I know it's not your fault.

Well, you'll have to wait, won't you, like all the others.

All right, well, if that's your attitude, go somewhere else.

Who are you starting at, Mummy?

Hello, Angel.

No, customer.

Isn't that biting the hand that feeds us, Daddy? It's that agency's fault.

Secretaries, they claim they've been clinging to me.

More like brain operations gone wrong.

Well, that's a thing of the past.

I'm going to be your secretary.

You, Angel?

Well, you don't work.

No, not at all.

But this is an emergency, and particularly with Jacko in competition,

got to pull together.

You've always had the capacity to punch me in the emotional guts, Leslie.

I wouldn't put it quite like that. Oh, you know what I mean, Angel.

Right, let's get to work.

would you like me to do first?

Well, a lot of letters to be typed, darling. Perhaps you could make a start

those. Right you are.

If I had a son, he could never have been a daughter like you.

This is wonderful.

We'll show old Dumbo across the road how business should be run.

Of course we will.

Now, where's the D?

First client.

Can I get you anything, Mrs Beanbridge? No, thanks. I'll only be a minute.

Right, you are.

I'll be off then. Don't leave on my account.

I'm not.

I've got an appointment with a client.

Good luck.

Well, Sarge, we've got the client, so I thought she should be the one to follow

it through.

You never did underestimate women.

No, very dangerous practice, that, Veronica.

So you won't underestimate me then, will you?

Why? What are you going to do?

Enter the ring, in a manner of speaking.

Oh, taking up boxing.

Helping Lionel.

The woman behind the man, eh? Behind isn't quite what I got in mind.

What have you got in mind, then?

Put it this way.

I'm a fan of yours, but I'm also a Bainbridge.

I ought to tell you, Jacko, I'm lining up with Lionel.

So just don't think of it as a walkover.

With you joining in, Veronica, I wouldn't do any such thing.

Good luck, then.

Yeah, good luck.

Oh, incidentally, is this the missing piece of your jigsaw?

Yeah, yeah, I think so. You don't sound very certain.

Well, how can I be certain when you look at me with those eyes of yours?

Well, that's not going to work either.

What did you call me?

Daddy didn't mean it, Angel.

He's front.

I'm going as fast as I can. Yeah, but two hours for one letter, Leslie. It is

the slow side, isn't it? Not if you want it done properly, no.

I'm all behind. There's a whole pile of work.

Well, now that I've got the knack of it, I'll do them first thing tomorrow.

What's wrong with this afternoon?

I shan't be here.

I'm having my legs waxed.

You won't find me taking time off to have my legs waxed.

Well, of course not. You're a big, hairy man, aren't you? I'm not just a big,

hairy man. I'm a big, hairy father.

And I am telling you... Hello?

Mummy, he's shouting at me. She's started it, Veronica.

Oh, come in here. I want to talk to you both.

It was her that started it. I did not be quiet. Come in, close the door, sit

down.

I haven't got a chair.

Well, break your back and bring one over.

Look, Veronica, if this is about the ring round the bath, Leslie's the one

never wipes round.

That's a lie.

Will you be quiet and listen?

We need a council of war.

Because if Jocko keeps going the way he started, he's going to leave us behind.

Now, I've got some ideas.

For a start, I'm going to join the company.

But you cook my dinners.

The reason I'm coming to work at the company is to give Bainbridges a more

acceptable face.

Mine. I've got a lovely face.

I'm referring to the image you present. And currently, it's one of a miserable,

aggressive old fart.

Who doesn't care whether we get work or not.

Well, I've had a lot of problems recently.

That's a dig at me, Leslie.

Anyway, some of my old regulars like my John Bull attitude.

Well, they can have it. I'm thinking about new customers. As a matter of

I've had quite a few thoughts.

First, you, Leslie.

I can't commit to anything full -time. I lead a very busy life. It involves

spending money.

Oh? You've got flair. You know what style is.

Refurbish the place.

Well? Get on with it.

I get a free hand, yes?

But... That's not an open cheque book. I want to know what things cost before we

buy them. You take the fun out of everything.

I've often thought of you as a hooker, Veronica.

Like in rugby.

Beavering in to get the ball, to give it to me, so I can crash through the

opposition. Oh, that sort of hooker. Yeah.

And that's what I'll do with you as my new secretary.

Lionel, I'm not going to be your secretary.

Go Friday.

No. Personal assistant.

Partner. Partner?

Partner. But... Well, you wear eye heels and make -up. What's it got to do with

anything? Women don't make business executives.

They do in this century.

Women can't drink.

Take big John Bagshaw. How are you going to go to lunch with him, get through

ten or twelve pints and still be sober enough to get his safe home to paint his

amusement arcade every year?

The Big John Bagshaws of this world are your province.

There are customers whose idea of a business lunch is not drinking 10 or 12

pints and seeing who's first to fall on the floor. And those are my province.

Now, let me mention the magic word, expansion.

Yeah, I've still got plans for that. Yeah, which consists of tapping someone

a loan.

Yeah. Yeah, forget all that. I've done breakdowns.

And I've got a detailed business proposition that we put to the bank. And

not wrong, they'll lend us three times as much money as you've ever dared to

for.

Three times? Yes.

That's incredible.

Veronica, if you did become a partner, I wouldn't shrink into insignificance,

would I?

Of course you wouldn't.

You're an institution, Lionel.

Yeah, I am.

Almost a legend, I suppose.

Well?

We'll do it.

You won't regret it? You and me, eh, Veronica?

Bainbridge and Bainbridge! Yes! There's only one thing I insist on, though.

What's that? My name comes first.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Still on for lunch?

Oh, yeah, not half. Me and Sandra will see you there.

Very nice.

Yeah.

Oh, um, incidentally, I've got a bit of inside dope on a certain foreign

government. Lionel? Yeah.

He's taken Veronica on as a business partner.

Has he now?

Only you're not supposed to know about it. Oh, naturally.

Quite pleased, actually.

It'd be nice to have a human being working over there.

Here, listen. If she asks you to become a double agent, you won't fall victim to

her blandishments, now, will you? I'm already a double agent.

If she asked me, I'd have to become a triple agent.

Yeah, then I'll have to ask you back and you'll become a quadruple agent.

There's only one floor in all this espionage business.

What's that, then?

Nobody's paying me anything.

Now, don't get mercenary, Eric.

You and I are... Quick, it's your boss from the Kremlin coming across the road.

Take the cyanide pill, all right, out the back.

Take the cyanide pill.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

What are you talking about?

Well, I thought you'd come over for a laugh.

I have come over, Sonny Jim, to tell you that you are on a slippery slope.

Things are going on over the road.

Subsidence?

Prune. Things are going on above your head.

Above my head? Over the road?

God, blimey, Lionel, what things?

I'm not telling you. Tell her, then.

I'll tell you this.

Documents have changed hands. Things have been notarised.

Well, you want to get yourself a good lawyer, then, mate, if that's the sort

trouble you're in.

You're the one who's in trouble.

Why? Because.

Tell her then, Lionel.

Business isn't just drinking each other under the table at lunchtime, you know.

Isn't it?

What is it about, then? Other things.

In brief cases.

You've lost me, Lionel.

I've got portfolios.

And... And... Breakdowns.

Vans or mental?

I'll miss you by miles, don't I?

Yes, you do, Lionel. I can only take a wild stab in the dark and suggest you

took Veronica on as a partner and she's going to streamline the business for

you.

I haven't. She isn't.

Liar! Shut up!

He's always been somewhat of an enigma, hasn't he, Lionel?

There he goes. Look, he's so inscrutable, Eric, he should have been

I've cracked it! I've cracked it!

Crack what?

bought a beach bar in Australia.

How? Oh, precisely I was drinking with last night.

Took all my compensation, but it'll be worth it. Oh, dear.

What? You haven't bought a worthless piece of paper, have you? I'm not

am I? We went down to Australia House this morning and done the business.

It's all legal, above board and binding.

Well, what can I say?

Except, uh, good on you, Digger.

Hey, that's me, Digger Pup.

Well, it seems a sound investment, doesn't it? I mean, they say that

the water half their lives anyway, them Australians. There is a theory that some

of them are actually developing gills. Right.

Miles of beaches, thousands of Aussies in the water, including loads of them

big, tanned Australian birds.

Shirleys, they call them.

Oh, dear.

Anyway, out of the water they come.

Boiling up 400 degrees or so, I don't know.

So they fancy a drink, don't they? So where's the first place they head for?

Digger Putney's Beach Bar.

Exactly. And there I'll be waiting for them in me vest.

Well, I couldn't be more pleased for you, Elmer.

We'll miss you, of course.

Yeah. You've been like a sort of father confesser to us.

Yeah.

Is it though England's losing a landmark?

Yeah. Don't go on, boys. I've been waiting for somebody to say those things

me for years and now they've been said, I feel over -sick.

You haven't gone yet.

You know what I mean.

I'm taking the dog, by the way. He's ever so excited about it. Yeah, well, he

would be. We're going by boat so I can give him a bit of exercise.

I don't suppose you'd both come down to Southampton and see me off?

Well, um... Honey, I'd like somebody to wave to me.

We'll be there, Elmo, yeah.

Thanks.

Well, lots to do.

I'm off to buy some insect repellent.

Very wise.

Oh, now, look, it goes without saying that if you're ever down under, that's

what Australia calls itself, you look me up, yeah?

Just ask for Digger Putney's Beach Bar. Anyone will tell you where it is.

Right. Elmo, just on the off chance that this Australian doesn't know where it

is, what town's it in? Oh, pretty name it is, Alice Springs.

Thanks very much indeed.

Oh, and 16 chapatis, please.

Oh, we must remember I'm the uniformed to onion barges for looking after the

kids. Right.

Of course, the money I'm on now, I might be able to afford a full -time nanny.

Perhaps a young Swedish girl would... Oh, yeah.

We'll have a part -time auntie Eunice and like it. Work a try.

Oh, and this smashing. Everything's on the up. It is for me as well.

Only nobody's noticed this.

You look very nice.

No, this.

Oh! Congratulations.

Well done.

The Jimmy DeGiordi series, then.

He's a lovely fella.

He's a lucky fella, Sandra.

If he wants a best man, I'm not pushing myself forward or anything, but I am

very experienced at it. And with you and Jimmy, there would actually be a

wedding. Oh, don't.

Will you be living up north?

Oh, no, Jimmy's got a job down here.

Anyway, I couldn't live. My boss wouldn't know what to do without me.

Your boss is very quiet, isn't he?

Is his awesome burden of responsibility weighing him down, do you think?

You are glad about me being engaged.

Yes, of course I am. Well, show it then. A smile costs nothing.

Been reading Patience Strong again?

You should look unsee, that's all.

I'm all right. Good.

Look, don't play the lonesome stranger. You are with friends.

It's the business.

Oh, it's not going down the pan already, is it? No, no, it's very promising.

Very promising.

It's just that I still feel there's a hole in your trousers.

Eric.

Go on, Jacko.

Well, there's still something missing in my life.

What is it?

If I knew, I'd tell you, wouldn't I?

Don't get strappy with me.

All right, all right. It's just the mood.

You've had it a long time.

Yeah, I know. Let's change the subject, shall we?

I tell you what, we'll have some of those jilabis for after.

They do them a treat here.

Of course, this is quite a stamping ground of yours, isn't it? Yeah.

I think over the years I must have sat at every table. With a different woman.

Yeah, yeah.

Lamb down sack with Dagmar.

Chicken biryani with Fiona.

Creamy not prawn madras with Serafina.

I know what I want.

Julie.

Ta -da! What?

Excuse me. Could you make that 12 chapatis, please?

Julie?

No, she doesn't work here anymore. She left about four months ago.

Well, do you know where she's gone? Sorry, I don't know.

Well, who would know?

Personnel, right?

Personnel, right. Where do I find them? On the third floor.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, but...

You

see, I really do need to get in contact with her.

I mean, if you had a forwarding address, I'd be ever so grateful.

Well, yes, we do keep addresses of ex -employees in case we need to get in

with them.

Oh.

Yes, here it is. Oh, great.

It looks like it's moved to the Isle of Wight.

Oh?

Just a mo', just a mo'. We don't hand out addresses to just anybody, Miss

Proctor. Oh, not just anybody.

Who are you, then?

Somebody.

If you were family...

Well, I am. I'm Julie's brother.

Have you any proof of that?

Well, I don't wander around with a big document on me saying I am Julie's

brother, no.

How come you don't know where she lives?

We've lost touch.

Oh, isn't that sad?

Yes, that's not sad, Miss Proctor. That's full of holes.

I smell sardines.

If you are who you claim you are, you'll certainly know Julie's surname.

What is it?

Yes, it... Er...

No, it's not her.

Well, um... Well, it will be the same as yours.

Yes. Yes.

It... I see. Don't know your own surname, either.

Well, of course I do.

It's just that, well, Julie changed her surname by deed poll, you see, to...

I've had enough of this. I'm getting on to security.

Hey!

Well, don't just sit there. We're supposed to tackle him.

I'm leaving myself.

Security?

Is

that

him?

Just a minute.

Close one down.

Hello, Julie.

Jacko!

What on earth are you doing here?

I was just passing.

Couldn't have been.

No, I wanted to see you.

See?

How are you?

I'm fine.

So how are you?

I'm fine.

It's a nice garden.

Thank you.

Hello?

Well, when we stopped... Jacker. No, please, Julie, let me finish.

When we stopped seeing each other, you said you didn't fancy me. Yes.

So was it the truth?

Well, not entirely.

So why did you say it then? Because I wasn't sure.

I didn't want you to take on something you might regret later.

A serious relationship with me is... Well, it's not easy.

There are bits of it that are not romantic.

I didn't know if you were ready.

Well, I'm ready now.

No. No, come on, Julie, it's not too late. It is.

Why?

Jacko?

Bye, Julie.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature. You love nature.