Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Splosh.

That's right.

Who ever heard of a painter's and decorator's called Splosh?

Me, now you, and tomorrow, Lionel, the world.

God's wallet.

You haven't got a clue, have you?

Going into business on your own is the biggest mistake you ever made.

Time will tell.

Splosh. What an advertisement for painting. And you haven't even done it

properly. You've got great dollops of paint dripping off the end.

They're supposed to be tricky.

Why?

Prove you can't paint.

This is what we call a logo, Lionel. I'm going to have it on the back of my

overalls, stationery, car.

I'm laughing my socks off, I am.

You can have it on your socks as well if you like.

Morning. Morning. Plus? Yes.

Right, this way, lads. Follow me.

Put it straight through there, eh?

What's that?

You sit on it.

Yeah, it's in an office.

Who do you think you are, Hollywood?

Not yet.

Incidentally, Lionel, there's something I ought to tell you.

There's nothing you can tell me.

Because I know what I've thought of myself.

Well, find out for yourself, then.

Talk about a goon.

Have you seen him?

Could I have a word, Mr Bainbridge?

All right, then. Don't laugh.

Come in.

Come in. Close the door. Sit down.

Make it snappy. I've got a proper paper business to run.

All right.

I'm handing in my notice, Mr Bainbridge.

You're going to work for him, aren't you?

Yes, that's right.

He's poisoned your mind.

Jackal has offered me a job with prospects on terms that I accepted.

Rubbish, you've been duped.

Look, I could charm women into making fools of themselves if I wanted to.

You sure?

Positive, but I don't, and I'll tell you why, because I'm ethically moral.

What do you think you're going to be over there, the Lord iPoo Bar?

Well, I won't be the girl in the office who's assumed to have a mental age of

seven. What you're doing shows a mental age of nought.

Well, I... I've done it, Mr Bainbridge. I've handed in my notice.

Don't kid yourself.

You're sacked.

Does it matter which way round it is?

Yeah, it does.

Because at Bainbridge's, I am Mr Bainbridge and you are not.

Thank God.

So are we giving each other through its notice?

No. You can clear out now. Go on, Laurel. Join Hardy across the road. All

I will.

Incidentally, you do know you've got an appointment at 10 .30?

Of course I do.

Fine. Then you'll know who it's with, won't you? Of course I will.

It concludes the grand tour.

So what do you think?

Oh, it's really lovely.

Who designed it for you?

Me. I mean, if you're going to advise people on colour schemes and things, it

does help if you've got some design sent for your own.

You got flung out of art class at school.

That wasn't through lack of talent.

I thought my reclining nude showed great promise.

Yeah, well, maybe it did, but you're supposed to be painting a bowl of fruit

like everybody else.

Look, are you sure you can afford all this?

Well, my investor seems to think so.

That would worry me, if that would, having to pay back thousands of pounds

before you make a penny of your own.

You're getting too old before you time you off.

Bank. Here, can you play Space Invaders on this?

Space Invaders.

Here, I wonder if you can play games on it.

Hey, Alessandra, a football one would be good. We could have a little league of

our own. Yeah, print our own league tables and result.

We could have a little Maradona and keep getting him sent off.

Obliterate all the hooligans with a death ray, eh?

You've got five minutes more and then you're both coming home to have your

nappies changed.

I wouldn't talk to me like that if I was Eugene.

I'm about to offer my brother -in -law the chance of releasing himself from the

clutches of monster bonks across the road.

I told you you'd ask me.

Yeah. Well, what about it, Eric, eh?

We'd have some great time.

Of course we would.

I must warn you, though, I am a stickler for good time keeping. No problem. I'll

get you up in the morning.

So what do you reckon, Jean?

I don't think it's a very good idea.

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't.

Why not?

Well, with the greatest respect, Jacko, you're not what I'd call a stable

character.

I mean, now, fine.

You're full of enthusiasm and it's quite genuine.

But who's to say in a few years' time you won't just pack it all in?

Well, why should I?

Well... Thousands of reasons.

Mostly wearing skirts.

Eric needs security.

That's not the be -all and end -all of me, Jean.

If you remember, I nearly upped and joined the Marines once.

The Marines?

We'd had a row and he kept hanging about outside the recruiting office to try

and frighten me.

And if you remember, Eric, that was before we had the kids.

Look. I know it's a boring thing to say, but security is our number one

consideration. It has to be.

And however well -intentioned, Jacko can't offer it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Usual, please, Elmo.

Oh. Hello, Jacko.

You all right?

No, I'm not. I've had some bad news.

Oh, dear, what's the matter?

I'm going to be demolished.

What, you personally?

No, the pub. The brewery's going to knock it down.

What? I drink here. Some claptrap about it not paying its way.

Oh, well.

If they're going to demolish an institution just because it doesn't make

And I'll tell you why it doesn't make money. Because they never listen.

Week after week I've been up to head office with new ideas just tumbling over

themselves as they come out of my head.

I see you took your jungle fantasy down.

I'm not giving any satisfaction to think I left it up.

Here, you don't want to buy it, do you? You can have it for a tenner.

Oh, no thanks, not my name.

Oh, dear.

What's happened to the lion? The dog's been at it. I don't bother to stop him

now. Well, cheer up, Elmo. Come on, I'll buy you a pint. And drink this bloody

rubbish. You must be joking.

It's ironic, really, isn't it? You with your star in the ascendant and me

plummeting to oblivion.

Oh, come on, don't get morbid, Elmo. It's not the end of the world.

Plenty of other pubs you could manage.

Well, there's not, actually. I've been put on a lift.

Well, there must be something else you could do. Well, you could... Well,

you could... No.

Pubbing's all I know.

I was an apprentice cellarman when I was 14, you know.

Better than going up chimneys, eh? Oh, quite.

Then I worked me way up through the ranks.

Second pot man, first pot man.

Assistant barman, barman, head barman.

And then, of course, public and in me own right.

I couldn't open for three days. I was so emotional.

I felt like that when I first joined Lionel. And now here I am, half an inch

village disappearing down my own drip tray.

Compensation, Elmo. You must be getting compensation.

Yeah, but not the full whack.

Why not?

Because of something that happened in 1979.

Oh, I see.

I hope I don't do...

Something's silly to myself, Jacko.

Now, you stop that.

Oi, come on.

The world needs people like you.

Why? Why?

Because it does.

I wonder.

I don't know if I ever showed you this before.

This is a picture of me the day I opened up here.

Still wearing the same shirt.

Good shirt, that is.

What's that big pink blob in the background?

That's Rose, that is. She wasn't supposed to be in it. Oh.

That's it, Elmo. Get back together with Rose.

No, I'm depressed enough as it is.

Well, I'm sorry, mate. I've got to go.

I'm self -employed now.

Kick your pecker up, eh?

Just a minute.

I've just had a great idea.

Terrific. I could come and work for you.

What do you think?

Well, er, the thing is, Elmo, the thought's never entered my head.

Let me think about it, eh?

You could be my salvation, you could.

Good game.

Fed up with that Rowena Skelton -Wallace, too.

Beat you again, did she?

She grumps when she serves, you know.

She knows it's distracting.

Well, play with someone who's not as good.

There aren't that many people there in the afternoon.

They're all working.

Yes.

Have you ever thought any more about getting a job, Leslie?

We're not going back to all that boring, working -class, pay -packets -on -the

-table rubbish, are we? I was thinking more of your own self -respect.

I could be a model, of course, but I don't want to be.

Oh.

Did you ever want to be anything, Mummy?

Apart from a mummy, you mean?

No, not especially.

I wouldn't mind being something now, though.

Now?

Yeah, I'm not out of the ark, Leslie, and I do have a brain, but, I don't

ironing and making the beds doesn't tax it over much.

I might get Daddy to buy me a new graphite racket.

Perhaps that'll do it.

There's Daddy now.

Don't talk to me about gratitude.

I wasn't going to. Daddy, can I have a graphite tennis racket?

Of course you can, Angel.

I mean, I've virtually picked that girl up out of the gutter. This is how I'll

get repaid.

This isn't some sort of sex scandal you're trying to break to me gently.

Of course it isn't. Bloody Sandra, she's left.

Gone to work for Jacko?

How did you know?

Common sense.

I hope you put up a fight for her. I wouldn't soil my hands.

Quite right, too. The scientists of this world are ten a penny.

Bless you, Angel. I think you've lost a very efficient secretary.

Just get another girl from the agency.

Exactly. I mean, if people can't see the kudos in working at the Bainbridge's,

that's their stupid lookout.

Lionel, aren't you adopting a bit of an ostrich mentality?

Don't you call me an ostrich. I look nothing like an ostrich.

You're in the sand.

You're losing good people.

You know I'll be next, don't you, Eric?

Who's Eric?

Eric!

Oh, him.

Oh, I'm bound to break down and cry if he goes, aren't I?

Just another non -entity.

Where do you two live? Eric is the best painter you've got now.

That's immaterial.

And he does loyalty out.

On his ear.

Lionel, stop convincing yourself that you're winning. You are not. Jacko is

winning. Winning over me? That's impossible.

He's already taken an excellent secretary and next he'll be after your

painter. Don't fiddle while Rome burns.

Fight back.

I see what you mean.

I'll teach him to think he's winning over me. He's having Eric over my dead

body. That's a spirit.

I will not lose. I hate losing.

So do I.

Well, that Rowena Skelton watched it again. Yes, straight set.

Oh, don't worry, Angel. We'll fix her duff as well.

Do they make power -assisted graphite rackets? No, but her father's in your

lodge. So he is. And he's only a junior of Goblin. Exactly.

Don't be too long.

Miami Vice is on tonight.

Ta -da!

Stationery.

That's grand, isn't it?

There's enough there for 500 letters.

It'd be nice if we had a customer.

Early, please.

Would you mind if I left early tonight?

Sandra, you've only been here five minutes.

You're sounding like Lionel. Oh, dear, am I?

Please go early, Sandra.

Wouldn't be that Jimmy again, would it? Yeah.

He's from Newcastle as well.

Ah, then I can see the attraction.

You can understand each other.

Do you know, I think that was half our problem, Sandra. I never understood a

word you were saying.

You could understand you can't come in for a coffee.

Coffee?

I thought you were saying toffee all them times.

Is your knife blow?

I think so.

Good.

All right, you.

Oh, hands up, Sandra. He's got a gun.

I came here to talk about poaching.

Well, what do you want to do, Lionel? Nip down a pup, snaffle a couple of

Poaching duck, funny cat.

You've already pinched her.

Oi!

What's your game?

Don't point and don't call me her.

Right, put him down, Sandra, put him down.

What are you on about, Lionel? I'll tell you what I'm on about. You're not

having Eric.

I don't want Eric. Well, you're not having him.

What do you mean you don't want him?

Well, he's been as thick as thieves, you two. Stands to reason.

Well, put it another way, I can't afford him. I can.

I know, which is why he's staying with you. Right, as long as that's

then. Right.

Blame him, eh? I've just noticed this place.

Looks like a poodle parlour.

Put Mr Bainbridge down for a washing clip, please, Sandra.

You haven't even got a desk.

I don't need one.

What do you do, lie on the floor?

No, I sit here, nice and comfortably, with the client.

You get respect sitting behind a desk.

You never have. I have.

What's she got a television for?

She has not got a television.

She has got a word processor.

Oh.

I'll tell you what all this is.

Mutton dressed up as lamb.

My customers come in here, they do it with laughter. Your customers would do

with laughter at anybody falling over because they had the chair pulled away

from them.

I'm after a client with a little bit more imagination and taste.

What, round ears?

Do you walk about with your eyes closed, Lionel? There's a lot more money about

now. People aren't satisfied with just being done up anymore.

Who's your first customer going to be then? Kensington Palace?

I haven't got one at the moment.

But I soon will have.

I'm going up market. Down the drain, son, is where you're going.

You're like a child playing with his post office deck.

Well, you can always pop over and collect your pension then, can't you?

A bee, buffalo.

She's my baby.

Be my balloon.

Don't you be... Now, listen.

About you coming to work for me.

Now, I've been worrying about this, but... There's no need. Problem solved.

I've had a bath.

Have you got antidepressant bath salts? No. I was in the bath, and there it was,

right in front of me.

What was?

My voice.

I was singing, you know, as you do, and it... Struck me, I've got a wonderful

voice. Yeah.

So I have decided to become a pop singer.

Like that?

Oh, no, I went about it the right way. I've done a demo tape and sent it to the

BBC.

Well, it's nothing like a full frontal attack, eh? Right, I've done Bebop the

Lula and The House of the Rising Sun.

All on your own?

No, I've done me own backing.

What with?

I'll band a couple of beer cans together.

Elmo Putney on top of the pots, eh?

The mind boggles.

I probably won't use my proper name. I was thinking of calling myself Tommy

Hooligan.

Very striking name, that, Elmo.

Oh, yeah, I've been thinking about things, all right.

Yeah, I can see that.

Well, I'm glad you're back on the comeback trail, because...

Quite frankly, I couldn't have afforded it to give you a job anyway.

That's all right, mate.

Eric would be working for you, though, wouldn't he? No, no, no.

Anyway, good luck, Tommy.

Ta -da, mate. Ta -da.

There is a house in New Orleans.

Nicole, the rag is here.

How about this for the cherry on the old cake? Do you know what he's called this

Disneyland of his?

Splosh. Oh, I like that.

Yes, it's good, isn't it?

What are you talking about? It's ridiculous.

Now, Bainbridge's, then, it says painters and decorators, doesn't it?

No, Splosh says that.

And in a very modern way.

Are you suggesting I'm old -fashioned?

Prehistoric. I'll have that racket back.

Lionel, all we're trying to make you see is that Jacko should be taken seriously

and not laughed at. He makes me laugh.

Well, he shouldn't.

Gynote Market makes very sound business sense. He won't get any of my old

regulars away from me. He wouldn't want them.

Well, I don't want his crowd of rich pufters. Well, you should, because they

more. Don't be rude about them.

These are the kind of people Giles and I mix with.

I tell people my father's going places. How can I face them if you're content to

pay warehouses and public conveniences for the rest of your life?

Don't get upset, Angel.

Daddy is going places as soon as he can get a loan, and then... then he'll get

all the juiciest jobs round here. You'll be too late, because if you don't do

something about it now, Jacko will already have them.

Oh.

Oh!

What shall I do?

Fight back.

Jacko may be a lovely boy, but he is a competitor, and I, for one, am not

prepared to sit around and watch our business go down the drain.

We'll take him on at his own game. And if we don't beat him, we'll give him a

damn good run for his money.

You looked like Winston Churchill when you said that.

Thank you, Lionel.

How far down the drain would we go? Who's to say?

I can't have that.

I mean, I can't have you having that, Daddy.

So, it's Bainbridge United.

Now, we must all apply ourselves and come up with some really solid ideas.

Count me in.

This is like a dream, this is. We're all on the same side.

I... I, er... I'm going to go and have a shower so that the world won't be

able to see which drops of water are my face of tears.

No, I see.

Well, if I'm not allowed to call personally, how does one... put one

for redecorating the whole place.

Oh.

Put it in writing and send it to you at Kensington Palace.

Thank you.

Be in touch.

Come in.

Hello, Mr Bainbridge.

Oh, look who it isn't. Now you can't have your old job back.

I don't want it. I just wondered if you'd give this to Eric.

I'm not an errand boy.

What is it?

I don't know.

Jacko just asked me to make sure Eric got it. It's got private and

on it.

What business is that of yours?

Oh, now, look.

I've got a wife and daughter, I have.

What does that mean?

I am above certain things, including your rate.

Leave it with me. I'll see Eric gets it. Thank you very much.

I see you haven't got a new secretary yet.

No, I'm doing it myself in the odd five minutes.

I don't know, Lionel. Some sort of mine.

This!

This!

This is a cheque for £2 ,000 from you to Eric.

What's your game?

How did you get hold of that? Sandra brought it over. I told Sandra to give

to Eric personally.

Well, that's your fault for employing stupid staff, isn't it?

Then what's your game opening the envelope?

It wasn't filled.

Perfect normal business practice.

For the mafia, yes.

Look. When one business rival sends an envelope marked private and confidential

to a second business rival's employee, he has a perfect right to find out what

game the first business rival is playing at with a second business rival's

employee.

None of your business.

Right, I'll get it out of Eric. He's terrified of me.

All right, all right, all right. I know I said I couldn't afford to employ Eric

full -time, but I can afford to give him £2 ,000 a year as my consultant.

What sort of consultant?

Well, he's not a surgeon, is he?

Design consultant.

Him? He couldn't even fill in a kiddie's colouring book.

Oh, you'd be surprised.

When we were at work, all right, I was the one up front, but Eric was the one

with the design ideas.

Rubbish. I picked the colours. When I said yellow and brown, yellow and brown

was. Oh, yeah, but when we got to the job, Eric would talk to the person

concerned and find it down to a more subtler combination.

Your yellow and brown would become honeysuckle and russet, and you'd have a

satisfied customer.

He never told me he did that. Oh, no, well, Eric tends to hide his light under

bushel, doesn't he? But the fact is, he's a very clever bloke, which is why

prepared to pay him £2 ,000 a year as my consultant.

You're not bloody having him as your consultant.

It's got nothing to do with you, Lionel. It's in his own time. I'm not standing

for it. There's nothing you can do about it, so hard luck. We'll see. We'll see.

But Mr Bainbridge... Don't Mr Bainbridge me.

The only one allowed to do that... is my wife.

I'm telling you, you will not be Jacko's consultant. You will be my consultant.

And I will pay you the extra £2 ,000 per year.

But I promised, Mr Bainbridge. Promises don't count for anything. This is

business. I wouldn't feel right.

I don't care if you feel positively ill. I'm paying you the extra £2 ,000 and

that's it.

No, I can't do it. I'm sorry.

All right.

I'll bring my big guns to bear.

Either you take the money or you're sacked.

But I've got a wife and two children.

Hard luck.

Jacko's my best mate. Hard luck.

You've got me over a barrel.

Oh, now I have.

There's a huge brain in there.

And it's got a cutting edge like a sabre.

All right, Mr Bainbridge, what else can I do?

I'll take the extra £2 ,000.

Right. That's it.

I'll splosh it across the road. We're totally outmanoeuvred.

I feel like Burgess and Maclean put together. Exactly.

I'll tell you what, let's lament this new working arrangement. You call your

lovely little wife Joan.

Jean. I said Jean.

And we'll all have a drink to celebrate.

Right you are, Mr Bainbridge.

Oh, and Eric, play your cards right. Ten years' time, you can call me Lionel.

So that's Ted you've sent to the BBC, Elmo.

Did you send it to anyone personally?

Course I did. The top man, Lord Rees.

I did the right thing, didn't I? Oh, yeah. Dead right, almost. Dead right.

If you take off as Tommy Hooligan, have you thought about what sort of image you

want to project?

Oh, yeah.

Sinister. All black gear, skin tight, shave me head and have a hand mic shaped

like a dagger. What do you reckon?

I don't think anybody would be able to take their eyes off you.

Exactly!

Well, in the meantime, Tommy, make us a couple of your wildebeest sandwiches.

Beef? Come on, Eric.

Joan, in you come.

Look who it ain't. It's the people from Legoland across the road.

You don't still play with that stuff, do you, Lionel? Oh, you're not getting up

my nose. I'm getting up your nose.

Tell him, Eric. What, me?

Tell me what?

What?

Look, Eric.

I don't know how to put this, Jacko.

Look.

Here's your check back.

Lionel and I have come to an arrangement and I'll be working for him

exclusively.

You no -good, backstabbing little creeps.

Don't talk to Eric like that. He's got a wife and family to think of. Don't you

talk to me about family. You're meant to be my sister.

Oh, don't waste your time on them, Jacko. We'll manage.

With you behind me, I'm not so sure.

It was you that shot me out of the sky in the first place by giving Lionel the

check.

That's it, take it out on a girl. You always have done.

Look, look, it's all water under the bridge now. Yeah, my only regret is that

you're not floating face down in it.

All right, order, order. I'll let this dog out.

Shut up.

Well, not your day, is it, Jacko? All your chickens have come home to roost

done it all over you.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Nobody outflanks Lionel Bainbridge.

I think I'll have us a go.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.

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