Original subtitles

Because of you, these friends I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh Lord.

Oh dear.

You were in early. You were up late. What are you doing? Me budget.

Will it stretch to a beer? Yeah, go on.

Oh, there were some phone calls for you.

Oh, yeah?

Uh, Nicole called.

She will be arriving on the Wednesday ferry from Calais.

Bon.

Maria Angelis was phoned?

Maria de Los Angeles.

Spanish au pair, I know.

Anyway, she said small feet make less noise.

Bueno, bueno.

You've gone very international recently, haven't you?

Well, it goes that way sometimes, Eric.

Then Mandy phoned and wants to know if she left her tights in your car.

Yeah, she did in the glove compartment.

Still in the packet she bought them in.

Anyone else?

Yeah, Catherine Deneuve phoned.

Oh, was she?

Me, but I can't go out with her because I'm married.

Thanks, Eric. It's all go, isn't it? Yeah, it must be awful for you.

Actually, it's not that wonderful being back in a swim of things, you know.

It's as though there's a bit of your life missing and you don't really know

it is.

Do you ever feel like that?

I don't have that luxury. I'm too busy dealing with real life.

Well, what do you think mine is? Fantasy Island?

Yes. I'm being serious.

Oh, go and play with your international harem. It'll pass.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Fiona didn't ring then.

Go to bed. Get out of my sight!

Vegetable's what I'd like.

No, no, no. You're forever lasting up in... Yeah, I thought your

face was going to go like that. What is it?

What is it?

What do you mean?

It's Africa.

Why? Why?

Well, it's a theme, isn't it? I mean, you have a theme park. I have gone for a

theme park.

Now, what was your life? My...

Special is Elmo's Safari Sundowner, £2 .50.

So what was the lager, Elmo?

I don't know. That's the trouble with people around here. They don't have my

imagination.

Oh, they couldn't have your imagination, Elmo.

No, no.

I mean, if this lot was in Knightsbridge, you wouldn't be able to

the door.

It was my idea, you know.

Why aren't I surprised to hear that?

Where did you get it? A jumble sale?

No. I didn't. I got it from Robinson Crusoe.

You like that island of his?

The pantomime. His company went bust and had an... And it was either

that, Mother Goose, or Robinson Crusoe. Well, I'd look a bit stoppy stood behind

here dressed as a goose, wouldn't I?

Well, you could lay your own omelette.

Oh, no, no, no, that's much more you, Elmo.

It's more manly.

Right.

I am a white hunter, you know.

Really? Oh, talking of which, some girl left you a message.

Fiona, that's her name, said Saturday's fine.

Right. Sorry, Jacko.

What for?

Well... It's all right, Elmo.

Don't go cross -eyed on my account.

Jacko and I are just mates.

Is that right, Jacko?

Best mates.

Doing anything tonight?

Dull face.

Yes, not coming anywhere near you.

Ah, jeez.

What?

Why's your line only got one eye, Elmo?

Dog flew at it, didn't he? Tore it out.

Ah, don't worry. Your shit will come home one day, eh? It's got to. I can't

having these mind -blowing ideas and nothing coming of them.

Yeah, can't just... Don't make... First impressions, Eric. First... impression?

My senses have gone completely numb.

Great!

Sandra, sorry to spoil your enjoyment, but Lionel's going potty. He can't find

the estimate for Pearson.

Oh, for goodness sake, what is the matter with that man?

Elmo, I should change the name of your pub to the Serengeti Arm.

Serengeti is the name of an Italian pasta mess.

Now, Eric, what about my special?

Elmo's Safari Sundowner, £2.

You told me £2 .50.

I didn't.

No, thanks. I'll finish Sandra's lager.

Bloody good, innit? I mean, is that even pay when you come in here?

Get back in that kitchen, you, and leave that line alone.

Go on!

With the estimate inside it.

Oh.

Oh.

So it is.

Now, do you mind if I go back and finish my lunch with Jacko? Yeah, all right,

off you go. Only don't... With Jacko?

Yes, you know, the dark -haired chap who works for you. I know who he is,

Sandra. What's wrong with you?

I'm starving hungry.

You're still seeing him.

We're mates.

You can't be. You were nearly married.

Last time, Mr Bainbridge, Jacko and I know we don't... have a future together,

but that's no reason not to be good friends.

Don't you walk away from me, young lady.

Miss Millichip did that once and I hauled her over the coals.

Is that when she put the staple through your earlobe?

She was mad, that woman.

Anyway, Mr Bainbridge, my private life is my private life. It's got nothing to

do with you. Now, that's where you're wrong. When people look at you, they see

me.

wearing funny glasses.

Don't be silly, Sandra.

I will not have my staff's behaviour reflect badly on me. I'm a man of high

moral principle, like Mrs Thatcher.

Mind your own business.

Now, that's a word you might not have thought of.

Business. I just said it. Because, little McAtsy drop, when I get some

backing, I'll still intend to take this company to the stars.

And if you're not careful, you might not come with me.

Were you going to say something?

Nearly. And take that skirt off.

I can't come in both ways.

Hello, Daddy.

Hello, Angel.

Daddy, would you buy me a horse?

A horse?

An horse is rather expensive, Angel.

No, a few hundred pounds.

Plus livery, of course.

A couple thousand a year, I suppose.

How about a nice little donkey instead?

I want to go riding with Giles on my own horse.

Not wear a kiss -me -quick hat and trot along the beach at Blackpool.

Daddy's going to have to say N -O, darling.

I see. Well, all the money I've got at the moment is going into the business.

I'm still looking to expand, Leslie.

And in the meantime, I'm expected to trot after Giles on some old hack.

I feel like Sancho Panza.

Is he that tennis player with the big teeth?

Now, Leslie, talking of Giles... Does his family really own Hampshire? Not all

of it. Do you think he'd be interested in investing in the business?

Don't you dare ask him.

Why not?

Because I'd be terribly embarrassed.

I'm talking about a proper business investment, Leslie, not asking him to

me something on the sly. If you dare mention it to Giles, I shall never speak

you again.

All right.

But consider this. With an injection of cash, Daddy could start to think about a

horsey for you.

A palomino.

A what?

Oh, whatever you like.

Well, I suppose you and Giles are sort of friends. I almost think of him as

family. Not like asking a stranger for a loan. No.

Well, on consideration, I don't see why you shouldn't bring the matter up.

Thank you, Angel.

We've always been able to talk, haven't we?

Yes.

All right, coming.

Hello, Jacko.

Hello, Gloria.

Look, if you want Jean, she's with Eric and the kids around Aunty Unity's.

No, it's you I want to talk to.

I need help.

Do you have salt milk, Gloria?

Well, I'm being badgered by the gas boards.

They sent me this form, and I can't make head nor tail of it.

Well, let's have a look.

Oh, all right, come up, I'll go through it with you. Go on.

Come on, because it's way past your bed.

Hello, Gloria.

Hello, Jane.

Hello, Eric.

Hello, children.

Santa Gloria.

Are you coming through?

Because we'll have fun too once we've put the kids to bed.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm going upstairs with Jacko.

I'm going through the gas board form with her.

You bloody fool.

I mean, who makes these things up in the first place, eh?

The gas?

Oh, presumably.

No, I think it's the work of some crazed professor.

I don't know, Gloria.

Forms are like life. They should be easy, but they're not. They're

Oh, that doesn't sound like you.

Even when life is complicated, you think to just sail through it.

Well, perhaps I've lost me rudder at the moment, eh?

I'm not complicated.

I'm good for blokes.

You don't see that.

A sort of tonic.

I wouldn't say pick -me -up, because that comes out sounding rather vulgar,

doesn't it?

You look as though you could do with a tonic, Jacko.

Gloria! Well, why not?

No strings.

No complications.

Just joy.

You are my brother's wife.

Reg deserted me.

I'm not sure of my legal status.

I am.

Well, look at it this way.

It's half Reg's fault that I'm round here anyway.

If he hadn't run off to Ilfracombe, it'd be at home to fill in this form.

It would take you to look at it like that, wouldn't it, Gloria?

We'd have a lovely time.

Yeah, we probably would.

And you feel ever so much better.

It's a possibility, yeah.

And after all, when all's said and done, what is actually standing in our way?

Well, put it like that, Gloria.

Jaco, can you get that?

We're busy.

Excuse me, Gloria.

I'm looking for Gloria.

Gloria? Yeah.

She's not at home. I wondered if she'd come round here.

No, no.

Come in, Reg. Come in. Cheers.

Yeah. Look, go through.

So... Gee!

Eric!

Reg is here!

What do you want Gloria for, Reg? I want her back.

Oh, I thought lobster fishing would make me forget her.

But all the shellfish in the world can't blot out my Gloria.

What a lovely thing to say, Reg.

Hello, Jean. Hello, darling.

Hello, Eric. Reg.

Here.

Have a dozen lobsters.

Thanks.

Reg wants Gloria back. Does he? She's not here.

I didn't know what it was at first.

But I've been very violent lately.

Have you, Reg? Yeah.

Then I realised.

I was knocking people about left, right and centre because I missed her.

I've been like a little robin what's lost its mate.

What about Gloria?

How's she been?

Quiet.

Oh, bless her.

I want that girl.

Excuse me, Reg, I've left something on the boil.

What? My mate?

Well, who else's wedge would I be talking about?

He's looking for you.

Oh.

Here I say, this could look terribly compromising.

It's just a mirror suggesting glory, right?

Well, what can we do?

I've never known what to do at times like this.

Well, you ain't going to believe what we're filling in a gas ball for, now, is

it? I won't. Exactly.

Come on, come on.

Shh.

Potatoes.

Wham to the lobster.

Bubbles up like molten lava.

I get like that sometimes, Reg.

No, you don't.

I'll go. I'll go.

Gloria, life without you is like a shell with no winkle in it.

Will you have me?

Oh, Ricky.

Oh.

You know there's only ever been one man for me.

Ingrid Christensen went that way.

Oh, hello, Jacko.

Hello, Veronica.

Have you been through the pain barrier yet? No.

I stop when I get the out -of -breath barrier.

I'm sorry about Lionel.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry about Lionel. What in particular?

Well, I get the feeling from the...

paroxysms he goes into at the mention of your name. He's been giving you a

particularly bad time at work.

Yeah. There's not a lot of warmth there.

As a matter of fact, I think he's running so short of epithets that he's

refuge in foreign languages.

He reckoned I was D -Trop the other day, you know.

I think it's my life with the ladies that gets to him.

How is your life with the ladies?

Flourishing.

You don't look too cheerful about it.

No, I'm not.

My life should be content.

It's like a jigsaw with a big piece missing out the middle.

Look, I know this is a radical thought, but is it possible that the missing

piece of your jigsaw has got nothing to do with women at all?

Now, that is a radical thought.

You don't think there's a small inner voice somewhere telling me to become a

monk, do you?

I didn't mean that radical.

Nothing to do with women, eh?

Don't give yourself a brainstorm.

It's only a thought.

No, it's possible.

Certainly possible.

Well, I'll leave you to it. I've got to get the Sunday dinner on.

Have you got a missing piece in your jigsaw, Veronica?

That'd be telling, wouldn't it?

night. I know I do.

I'm going out for a drink after work.

Bit overdressed for Elmore, aren't you? A drink with my wife, my daughter and my

daughter's current escort Major Giles Smythe of the Royal Scots Greys.

He's taken her somewhere.

He invited me himself.

Vocally.

Did he specify black tie?

No, this is me using my own initiative. You've got to have something up here to

know when to put one of these on.

It stands to reason a man of Giles' class is bound to take one somewhere...

Posh? Clubby.

Why are you wearing it now?

Are you breaking it in?

It looks like a second skin to me.

The reason I'm wearing it now is because I've got a late business appointment

and I won't have time to go home and change.

Incidentally, I trust my office has spot this, because if I fit in anything,

Mossbloss will go spare.

Any of you?

Oi! Oi!

Oi! Stay in here, you.

Come in.

Close the door. Get out. I'll say that as well. You've got to have an

explanation, Andy. I have.

I'm leaving.

There's me formal notice.

You're serious?

Yes. Why?

Well, it's hard to explain, Lionel. There's a bit of me jigsaw missing and,

well, I've got to find it.

That's loony, that is.

You try half a perfectly good job to crawl around on the carpet looking for a

bit of jigsaw.

What's the matter with you?

A figurative jigsaw.

Doesn't matter what sort of jigsaw, the principle's still applied.

Oh, forget the jigsaw, Lionel.

Now, there's something missing in my life, and leaving here might help me

it. Well, I've heard of ingratitude. I've been like a father to you.

When was this?

All the time.

I taught you how to paint.

You don't even know how to paint yourself.

Oh, come on, Lionel.

Blimey, I thought you'd be chuffed to see the back of me.

Now, why should you think that?

You hate me.

No, I don't. Good heavens, I know we've had a few rucks from time to time, but

they're like, well, just like family.

Yeah, the Borgias.

Look, Jacko, if it's money... No, it's not money, Lionel.

I'll work me two weeks.

No. No, if that's your stupid attitude, you can clear up now.

Right, I will.

Now, listen, listen.

That's a silly gesture.

And don't expect to come crawling back, that's all. You'll have missed my gravy

train to success.

Well, you can't be doing that well.

What do you mean?

Well, you're obviously having the moonlight as a waiter now.

One of these days, you two are going to have a conversation without knocking my

pictures off the wall.

Not now, Sandra.

I've handed me noticing.

Blimey. What brought that on?

Well, I'm still looking for something.

Have you got any plans?

Yeah, I've got a plan.

In fact, I'm seeing someone this afternoon.

I meant business plans.

Strangely enough, Sandra, so did I.

Funny, you know, Giles, I didn't think you'd be bringing it here. I'm getting

rather fond of the place. It's such terrific fun.

Well, I think it's seedy.

It's not for the entirety of the evening, is it, darling?

Sorry, Giles.

Here we are.

Four safari sundowners.

That's, um, £1 .50.

That's six quid altogether.

Thank you, landlord.

I think these are fun, too.

Yes, I'll bet they are.

Sir? Get your hand off his epaulets.

Sorry.

Sir?

Yes? You are one of the only people round here who appreciates what I'm

to do. I wonder if you could put the word round your regiment.

Why not just a sandwich board?

No, I could certainly give you a mention. One snag, though.

Officers in other ranks don't usually use the same Buddha.

I could put up a partition in bamboo.

Rip round one side, you'll lock the other.

What about the horses?

There's a yard round the back.

A yard round the back!

You're priceless!

Anyway,

I'll certainly bring you up in the mess. No, no, no, these are on me. There is

one thing I could... do, I could get some posters done up and you could stick

them up somewhere. Oi, oi!

That's enough. This is a social gathering, not an opportunity for you to

somebody. All right, all right. By the way, Alma, why has your lion got no

Dog flew at it, didn't it? Oh,

priceless!

Anyway, cheers, everyone.

Cheers.

Looking very smart.

Oh, thank you, Giles.

Going on somewhere.

Pardon?

On somewhere.

You obviously didn't put on black tie just to go for a drink.

No. No, no, of course I didn't. I'll be going on, all right?

Yes, Lionel is taking me out to dinner. Yeah, that's right.

We're going to the Savoy Grill.

Super.

It costs a bomb.

Lionel doesn't mind. No, no, I'm like that.

I haven't been there for ages.

I tell you what, I'll bring you back a menu. You can see what they're doing

these days.

How very thoughtful.

Yes, very thoughtful.

I hope we're going somewhere nice later.

Rather. I thought we'd get some fish and chips.

Fish and chips?

Yes.

Wheelers at Brighton.

Oh. Well, isn't this nice? All sitting together, all going on afterwards.

There's almost a family feeling at this table.

Very kind of you, sir.

Giles.

With that sort of feeling in the atmosphere, would you be offended if I

talk to you about a business loan?

No, I know.

It's all right, Mummy.

Giles doesn't mind.

Of course I don't mind. Good gracious, sir. As I'm squiring your daughter and

we're all getting on so well, I'd be very offended were you not to ask me.

Oh, see?

This is a gentleman understanding a gentleman.

So what about it, Giles?

Terribly sorry. I'm strapped for cash at the moment.

Ironic, really.

Had you asked me earlier this afternoon, I could have put a few thousand your

way, no trouble at all.

Well, what have you done with it?

Invested it somewhere else, darling.

No, I'd like to, really.

Fine.

See you at eight, then.

Bye, Jimmy.

Morning, Sandra.

Hello, Jack. Oh, haven't seen you for ages.

No, I've been busy.

Is the tiller in?

Yes.

Have your plans come to anything?

Well, they're off the drawing board.

You tell me, Sandra, do you consider yourself a permanent fixture here?

Not necessarily.

Why?

What's the thought?

Coming.

Morning, Lionel.

I thought so. It didn't take you long to feel the freezing cold of winter, did

it? Come on, let's have it. Let's have all your pathetic, groveling reasons as

to why I should take you back.

I don't want to come back.

Well, what do you want, then?

Well, you said yourself, Lionel, that you were like a father to me.

Well, what more natural than a son should come and tell his father what

to? I'm not interested.

What are you up to?

I'm going into business.

Where? Paperboy?

No, the painter.

What? A painter, Lionel. You know, they get a brush and they dip it in some

paint and they paint things with it.

I know that.

Who employ you?

Me. I'm setting up my own firm.

I'm going to laugh uncontrollably now.

Go on, then.

I laughed inside.

You running your own business.

That's as likely as me becoming a prima ballerina.

You'd look lovely in a tutu.

Don't be coarse.

You'll be an unmitigated disaster.

How can I be when I was taught by the master, eh? Because, Sonny Jim, I am the

master, and you are what you've always been, a know -nothing.

Setting up on your own, you wouldn't know where to start.

I have already. I've got my own premises.

What?

Where? Well, if you can spare the time, Lionel, I'll show you. Come on.

Come in, Sandra.

It could interest you.

No, Lionel, we're not driving anywhere.

That's it.

Over there.

You are daring to open up opposite me?

Yeah. Code, innit?

Here, perhaps we'll be able to see each other each day, eh?

That would be nice.

It bloody wouldn't.

Where would somebody like you get the money for a place like that?

I've borrowed it.

Where from?

Charles.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.