Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

I don't really want the bread and treacle.

That's for the kids.

They're having a little treat in bed today.

Sleep well?

No. Good.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Your name won't be Eve by any chance.

No, Jane.

I'm a friend of Jean's.

Jacko. Yes, I know.

Hello. Hello. I'm really sorry about pinching your bed.

Well, if anybody had to pinch anything of mine, I... Thanks.

So how do you think you're going to like living up there, then?

Living? It was only for one night.

Pardon? Well, Jean and Eric let me stay because they weren't expecting you back

last night.

I see.

They did seem to think you were getting married yesterday.

Yeah, yeah.

Funny how arrangements change, innit?

Anyway, I suppose I'd better get dressed.

Shame.

Comfortable night?

I've often wondered what truly evil people look like.

Now I know. They look like you two.

What have we done?

You told me you'd let my flat.

Ah, so we did.

Doesn't qualify as a joke, does it? We laughed.

I hope that's taught you a lesson.

Mucking my Eric about.

Wouldn't touch your Eric with a barge pole.

He'll go down in history, he will. As the only best man to have arranged two

wedding receptions without an actual wedding to show for it.

Well, just don't think you're forgiven, that's all.

And another thing.

If this sort of perverted behaviour is going to continue to reign in this

I might just be liable to leave anyway.

Eggs and bacon?

All right, I'll stay.

Guilford, eh?

Very nice part of the world, Guilford.

It's funny, I get down that way a lot.

Do you really?

Yeah.

Perhaps we might bump into each other in the high street.

Perhaps we might.

What part of the high street do you think that might be?

Well, do you know the big clock?

Yeah. That part of the high street, probably.

And what time do you think the big clock will be showing when we've bumped into

each other?

Half past seven.

Excellent.

But the big clock doesn't say what day of the week it is, does it?

No.

If it did, it would probably say this Friday.

Excellent. Excellent.

Well, I'd better pack my little bag.

All right.

Finished?

What? This is my breakfast table, it is.

And a very nice breakfast table it is, Eric.

You know what we mean.

Breakfast is for... Breakfast.

Exactly. Well, I'm sorry, I'm an innocent in these matters.

I was just following my instincts.

Yeah, well, your instincts will get you hung one of these days.

I'll go.

Are you finished?

Yes.

Looking forward to going back to work, then?

Oh, terribly, Eric.

I thought of nothing else when I was in Barbados.

You missed me, didn't you?

Oh, awfully, yes.

But I have to be brutally frank and admit that I miss Lionel more.

Well, I can understand that. You've got a special relationship with Lionel.

We're engaged for a time, you know.

It's Leslie.

Good morning.

Good morning. Morning, Leslie.

I was just passing.

Wanted if you'd like a lift to work.

Oh, just passing, eh? Thanks.

20 minutes he's been up.

Come in.

Me?

Well, er... You did meet Eric as well, didn't you, Leslie?

Yeah, of course I did.

Come on in.

Yes, Mr Benbrook?

What are you doing? Here's the address.

He's a very nice man. You've got a 9 .30am appointment.

I've booked your cab. He'll be arriving in ten minutes.

Dr Altberg?

I don't need to see a doctor.

He's not a body doctor, dear. He's a mind doctor.

A psychiatrist?

There's no shame in it these days.

Mr Bainbridge, I don't need to see a psychiatrist. You do.

He'll tell you what you're really thinking.

I know what I'm thinking.

I know what I'm thinking at this very moment.

You can't do. You can't do.

That swine Jacko jilted you on your wedding day. Inside your mind is a

You're a tortured soul.

How many more times, Mr Bainbridge?

Jacko and I decided together on our honeymoon not to get married.

No. You see, dear, what you're doing, and I do know a bit about this, is

erecting a sort of screen round yourself.

Outerly, you see, you think you're fine, but innerly, you're a mess.

Oh, it's fine, but... before you arrived.

No. You were going through the motions of typing a letter. I wouldn't be

surprised if it was total gibberish.

Yeah, all right. It's fine as far as it goes.

But isn't it significant that it isn't finished?

It isn't finished because you put the cover on the typewriter.

See, Dr Oldberg, dear.

Please. I know I'm not supposed to say this. He worked wonders with our

at arms when he went funny over his pendulum.

Does he treat a lot of people in your lodge?

I've said enough.

Good morning, Mr Bainbridge.

Morning, Lionel.

Morning, Eric.

Hello, Sandra.

Hello, Jackal.

Do you believe what you're looking at, Eric?

I can't comment, Mr Bainbridge. I didn't see anything.

In here, you.

Come in. Close the door.

Sit down.

You made a point of kissing that girl, didn't you?

No, not particularly.

Well, you don't kiss me in the mornings.

Get off!

I thought you wanted me to.

You know what I'm saying. You might be driving her mad, but you're not driving

me mad.

Have you talked to anyone about this, Lionel? Yes, I have.

Dr Alpert, psychiatrist.

And what did he say about the secret longings that you have for me?

You're depraved.

A psychiatrist shouldn't talk to his patient like that.

I'm not his patient.

I want Sandra to see him.

Oh, on your behalf?

No.

I want to help her get over what you've done to her.

Oh, Struth Lionel, what did it take to get the truth into your head?

I'm impervious to anything you say.

I know you and women from old. You addle them. Don't try to addle me.

Is addle another word for kissing?

No, it isn't. I just want you to know where you stand with me.

Not terribly high.

You're bloody subterranean.

I've tried to convince myself there's some good in you. I know why I've done

It comes from being a nice person.

But never again.

From now on, I want you to know that I look on you as completely detrop.

See what?

Detroit.

No, Lionel, no. It's pronounced Detroit.

Well, with a P on the end, don't you?

Look, it's French, Lionel. They don't always sound their final P's.

Oh, what do they know, anyway?

Well, they should know how to pronounce their own language.

Well, what do you know about it? You don't speak French.

Yes, I do.

Well, go on, then. Say something, innit?

All right.

What's that mean?

Give us a kiss.

Yeah,

I often think that you and Lionel are playing out some sort of Greek tragedy,

you know.

What, like Zorba, you mean? No, no, something of more Homeric proportions.

A love -hate relationship between a man and a son he never had.

I don't think I'd like Lionel as a son.

If your eyebrows go any higher, they're going to disappear under your hairline.

Now, don't tell me you were just passing because your wheel's still on the beer

can, you squash, when we arrive.

I want to talk to you.

No time. Daddy's rather fretful this morning. We've got to talk and you know

All right.

I'll take you out for a drink tonight.

About eight.

See you later.

Hey, I told you, they've gone. Your eyebrows have completely disappeared

Two bottles of lager, please, Elmo.

Oh, right.

Shame you're married, Eric.

Do you want me to leave?

No, if he wasn't married, he could become one of the Raunchy brothers.

Who are they?

You and me.

When did this happen? It didn't. Well, no, all right. I mean, granted, you

haven't actually asked me to come out crumpet hunting with you yet.

But when you do, I am here.

I'll bear that in mind, Elmo.

I mean, not that I'm putting myself in the same class as you. I mean, I'm

deadly, but you're dangerous.

I've still gobsmacked as to how you get someone on honeymoon without marrying

them.

Give it a rest, Elmo, please. I'm in here for a quiet lunchtime drink.

Hello, Elmo.

Eric.

Hello, Jacko. Hello, Gloria.

I was hoping I might find you in here.

Quiet, lunchtime drink.

What can I get you?

Same as you, please.

Bottle of lager, please, Elmo.

Do you want to sit down?

Please.

Come in.

No, thank you.

Why? I don't want to know.

Well, I do.

You stay there.

So what can I do for you, Gloria?

I just wanted a sympathetic ear, really.

Giles and I have split up.

It was a decision that was forced on us.

Who by?

The Royal Scots Greys.

You'll have to make that a bit clearer, Gloria.

Well, Giles took me to this regimental dinner held at the officer's mess.

I see.

I did try for him, Jack. I really did.

You know, I went easy on the mascara.

I wore a dress that didn't show too much.

Plus, I tried to pay attention to my vowels.

Snooty mob, were they?

Well, the younger officers seemed to quite take to me.

But the senior lot, oh, they were hard going.

Anyway, dinner didn't go too badly.

Apart from the snails.

Yeah, they can be a bit self -willed, can't they? I shot one straight into a

waiter's top pocket once.

Now, it was after dinner that I really came undone.

Not your dress?

No.

When I withdrew with all the ladies.

Ah. And, of course, I had to be sitting next to the commanding officer's wife.

Chief Lioness, eh?

Yeah.

Well, it was difficult to find something in common to talk about.

You know what it's like when the conversation gets all stilted.

You just say the first thing that comes into your head.

What came into your head, Gloria?

Well, the fact that her husband kept blowing off during dinner.

Oh, Gloria.

Oh, I didn't say blowing off. Of course I didn't. I just said passing wind.

Still, after that, I knew I'd really shot my bolt when the men joined us and

Giles said it might be a good idea for us to leave early.

The commanding officer had had a word with him, apparently.

I'm ever so sorry, Gloria.

But I don't think you'd have liked week in and week out of all that toffee -nose

rubbish, eh?

I couldn't do even if I wanted to.

I think perhaps Giles and I knew in our heart of hearts that...

In his world, I'd be a social liability.

Just not very nice finding out, that's all.

Well, I think it's true to say that Giles will never find anybody quite like

you.

That's what he said.

He wouldn't take back any of his presents, you know.

That's a gentleman, isn't it?

Yeah.

Shall I get you another drink?

Why not?

So? So?

One of these days, Elmo, I'm going to stand on the end of that big trunk of

yours and when you sneeze, you'll blow your stupid head off.

Shizzle!

Oh, you pulled out all the stops tonight, Leslie.

All he needs is a little push.

Who? Jacko.

Jacko?

I've never thought Jacko would take kindly to being pushed.

Mummy, he's trembling on the brink of a realisation.

And what realisation would that be?

That he couldn't marry Sandra because it's me he wanted all the time.

But he doesn't know yet.

Let's just say he won't admit it to himself yet. Are you sure your deductive

powers are functioning properly?

He asked me out tonight.

Oh, Angel.

You look scrumptious.

Thank you, Daddy.

Going out?

Well, she's not dressed up like that to play Scrabble, is she?

No, no, silly question.

There he is. I'll go.

Who's the lucky man?

I hope it's that tall chap from the tennis club.

I know he's got an annoying laugh, but he's very well connected.

No.

No!

It isn't you.

I'm afraid it is me, Lionel.

Hello, Veronica.

Hello, Leslie. Ready? Yes, I'm ready. No, hold on. Veronica, Leslie, can I

a couple of minutes alone with Jacko? Why? It's important, please.

Oh, all right.

Very well. Two minutes.

But whatever you say, I'm going out with him tonight.

Are you all right, Lionel?

I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do.

Are you proposing to me, Lionel?

I am begging you.

Leave my Leslie alone.

Don't be daft, Lionel. Get up. Come on. Now, why do you hate me so much? Why are

you trying to destroy me?

It's your Leslie I'm going out with, not you.

Yeah, you're only going out with her to drive me mad.

The way you're behaving, Lionel, you're halfway there already.

You're like some evil spirit you are. Wish I could have you exorcised.

What, on a collar and lead?

Exorcised. Two Xs.

What priests do to wanted houses?

Look, Lionel, look, even by our standards, it is getting excessive.

Oh, what do you know about standards, eh?

What sort of man are you to fascinate another man's daughter like a cobra?

Just to break the man himself.

Look, Lionel, could you say that I was going to take your Ledley out for a

drink? Oh, Codswallop. But you'd only say you are Codswallop, so what's the

point?

Did any ancestor of mine ever have a go at any ancestor of yours? Is that it?

Do leave off, Lionel, please.

Right, two minutes is up. Shall we go, Jacko? Yes, I'd like to, Ledley. Good

night, Veronica.

Good night, Jacko.

Cheers, Lionel.

Full moon tonight.

Why did Jacko mention the full moon tonight?

Does he change into a werewolf?

Who knows?

No, I know. It wasn't a question that demands serious consideration.

No.

You feeling all right?

No.

I feel suddenly very old and very tired.

What about a nice cup of tea?

That'd be nice.

Veronica? Yes, Lionel?

We've had some good times, haven't we?

Yes, of course we have.

I was wrong.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Sandra and I had nothing to feel sorry about when we decided not to get

And it had nothing to do with you.

And that's the truth.

I see.

I feel rather silly.

No need.

I was so sure.

Well, that's your trouble, isn't it, Leslie?

You're always so sure.

You're not one of those don't -knows, are you?

I do know something.

We've had some very special times together.

Yes, there's no denying that.

And you always did find me physically attractive.

Yes, yes.

You still do.

Well, of course I bloody do.

I'm only flesh and blood.

And you do have this way of...

Arranging yourself.

Very sensuous.

Is it?

You know very well it is, Lidley.

I find you very attractive.

Jim. So?

Look, there's no so about it. We've tried it.

We come with instructions, you and I.

Light the blue touch paper and retire.

But after the fireworks, we're with different sorts of people.

You go through that table in a minute.

Being hygienic.

Well, go and clean some of that gunge off your grill, then.

All right, all right.

Back with a vengeance, eh?

And a wet shoulder.

I'm sorry, I'll get a tea towel.

Don't bother, don't bother. I've seen your tea towels. Why don't you just

off? All right.

So people see what they're doing, like.

Anyway, apart from anything else, well, there's no long -term future for us,

Ledley. Hopefully, we're worlds apart.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

You could buy a big house in the country, and I could come and be your

in the woodshed.

Come on, I'll take you home.

We don't have to go straight home, do we?

No, Lily.

We don't have to go straight home.

Hello.

Hello. Hello, Jacko.

Wondered if I might have a word.

Yeah, come in, come in. I'm babysitting.

I did call round last night.

Yes, so I would.

Anyone I know?

No, no, no. In you go.

Well, sit yourself down.

How can I help you, Charles?

Well, it's Gloria.

I don't know whether you've heard, but we've decided to go our separate ways.

Yeah, I did hear something about that, yes.

Thing is,

I just wanted to know if she's all right.

Well, that's very decent of you, Charles.

Yes, she's fine.

Very resilient little character, our Gloria.

Oh, good.

Well, I heard about the mess at the officer's mess.

I got a frightful wigging from the Colonel.

Oh, rather him than his wife, by all accounts, eh?

Oh, starchy drawers, yes.

I should have stood up to the Colonel, I suppose, but one doesn't.

The army's my career, you see.

Ah. And being a career officer, you need to be seen with a career officer's lady

on your arm, yeah? You've got it in one.

It may not be democratic or even very admirable, but it's the regiment's way.

Yeah, I remember when I was in the Cub.

They always advised her to go out with a nicer type of brownie.

What I need is someone like Leslie.

Yeah.

Here, hang about, Charles.

Why somebody like Leslie?

Why not Leslie?

You used to go out together, didn't you?

Yes, but I put up an awful black when I threw her over for Gloria.

I'm not actually that sort of chap, but there was Gloria with her heel stuck in

a grating.

Such a dear little ankle.

Charles. I took her ankle in my hands and looked up and there she was.

Charles. And Gloria looked down and I looked up and... Charles, you're

off.

Sorry.

Anyway, about Leslie, there's no point, is there?

I mean, I met her again at your wedding reception.

She wouldn't even speak to me.

I don't think your Colonel's going to like this defeatist attitude, is he?

No, he won't, will he?

Right.

It's worth a crack, isn't it? Talk it is.

Get round there now. Go on.

No. It'll have to be tomorrow.

You're not retreating, are you, Giles? No.

I've got the vet coming round this evening.

Ah.

Not coming down with anything, are you?

No, it's Trumper.

He's got a dicky hock.

But tomorrow it is.

After all, Leslie is a wonderful girl.

Yes, she is. Oh, but don't tell her she's too wonderful, will you, Charles?

Sorry? Well, only give her ten out of ten when she really deserves it.

That deep?

You don't have to be in the army to know about tactics, Charles.

I wish you could read these subtitles.

What's that word on his chest?

Who cares?

They're all the same, these French films.

Always about lorry drivers.

Dismal, dead dismal.

It's a comedy.

Well, it doesn't make me laugh.

Angel, you speak French.

How do you pronounce detrop?

Detrol. I thought so. I knew I was right.

What would you want to know?

Oh, some silly ass I was talking to the other day would insist on trying to tell

me it was D -Trop.

That's not funny.

It's not supposed to be. It's somebody's garden.

So...

Good evening, sir.

Giles!

How nice to see you. Do come in. Thank you.

Look who's here.

Oh, hello, Giles. Good evening, Mark.

Hello, Leslie.

Hello. Television off, please, Veronica. All right.

Arts programme.

We only watch BBC two.

Sit down, Giles.

Thank you.

What can we do for you?

Well, actually, I'd rather like a word with Leslie.

Fine! Fine, go ahead.

I think Giles meant a private word.

Oh, yeah, of course.

How detrous, mate.

Well?

Yeah.

Well, the thing is, I'm driving down to Badminton tomorrow for the horse trials.

Wondered if you'd like to come.

Isn't Gloria available?

No. Actually, we've decided to go our separate ways.

And I'm sort of a reserve, am I?

Just thought I'd ask, that's all.

I didn't say I wouldn't come.

I'm not doing anything tomorrow. Good.

Are you doing anything now?

Why? I thought we might pop down to the local for a drink.

Oh, all right.

Daddy? Yes? We're going out.

Oh, that's the spirit. Hey, Veronica.

Super. Oh, incidentally, Daddy, I want you to get me up tomorrow.

Giles and I are going to badminton.

Super, super.

Shall I can you rack it?

Do anything last night, then?

Babysitting.

What's that for?

Babies sitting. I can read between the lines.

No, you can't. It's only two words.

What did you do then? Get the kids off to bed and then get out your little

book? No.

Get off.

What you doing now?

I'm trying to read the sports page, Elmo.

No, I meant crumpet -wise.

Nothing.

You are.

I'm not.

Look, that's an impossibility. It's a way of life for you.

Hello?

Told you.

Hello, Gloria.

Larga? Ta.

Thanks for talking to me the other day.

Really cheered me up.

It's the other one. It's the other one.

Hello, Leslie.

Hello, Charles.

Hello, Jacob.

Hello.

Hello, Gloria.

Hello, Charles.

Leslie.

Nice to see you both.

Right. Gloria?

Landlord, would you serve a bottle of champagne at that table over there?

Oh, certainly, sir.

Now, that's the sort of customer I deserve, that is.

They look good together, don't they?

Yes, they do.

It all comes down to brackets, doesn't it?

What does?

Relationships.

People are usually happier with their own social bracket.

Yeah, you're probably right, Gloria.

Tell you what, though. What?

I think our bracket has more fun.

Because of you, these friends I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.