Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, yeah.

No,

you can't have a jelly in bed.

Now go to sleep.

I hope Jacko appreciates all this hard work you're putting into rearranging his

wedding. I don't make it sound as though it's his fault. I mean, he didn't

postpone the first one.

He wasn't responsible for the vicar having appendicitis.

No, I just hope that he appreciates it.

Because sometimes, Eric, I think you're very unsung.

Yeah, I suppose I am, really.

I mean, it's all right for him to just go off on his honeymoon, leaving you to

arrange the wedding.

Remember our honeymoon, Jean?

Oh, was that you?

You would have won. You just told me I was unsung.

Of course, I remember it.

You were wonderful.

In what way?

Very.

Oh.

Bit of a contrast in style, though, eh?

We get three days on a caravan site in Poifelli, and Jaco and Sandra get a week

in Barbados, and they're not even married.

Yeah, well, young people of today, there's a lot more money around, isn't

What do you mean? young people of today are the same age as us.

Yeah, but we're much further along life's road.

We've got responsibilities.

We've got two kids.

Two lovely kids.

The house.

The mortgage.

We hardly ever go out.

Got five things on higher purchase.

A prepared speech if the detector van comes round.

Good though, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, let's hope their plane isn't delayed.

I suppose they must be getting on it about now.

No, no, there's a kind difference.

They'll just about be having lunch.

Whereas we, my girl, are going to bed.

I thought you wanted to watch Opportunity Knocks.

It has knocked.

Bring a jelly up with you, will you?

No, we'll go over that side, shall we?

But it's nicer over this side.

Yeah, but there's more... Well, there's more in it.

All right.

Hey, Debs, over here, over here.

Why don't you sit here?

You're looking straight into the sun there.

That's all right. I've got a bit of... Poor head that hasn't tanned yet.

You

said

you liked it there.

I know I did.

But now I don't.

You're quite right.

About what?

Well, the sun in me eyes.

Not worth getting a headache just for a bit of forehead.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Hi there.

What can I get you? Oh, hello, Michael.

What can I get you, Sandra?

I'll have one of those long cocktails with a passion fruit in it. I know

what you mean.

Your usual?

Yes. The mineral water, please.

OK.

Be home tomorrow?

Yes. Yes, we will.

Seem to have been here more than a week, though.

Yes.

You have had a nice time.

Oh, wonderful.

Have you had a nice time?

Fantastic.

Be on the plane in a few hours.

So we will.

On the plane, going home.

Gatwick tomorrow?

Yes.

And then on to our wedding.

That's right.

On to our wedding.

Jackal? Yes?

What shall we do between now and catching the plane?

We'll do the packing.

Then we'll spot a lunch.

That'd be about right, wouldn't it?

Yes.

That's a good idea.

Sandra. Yes?

There you go.

Thank you, Michael.

No problem.

What about over here?

Cheers. Cheers.

Oh, yes, it's nice this way.

That's my top!

Come to think of it, I think I'll start packing now.

We've got ages.

Well, I'd like to make a start.

I'm a very slow packer, Sandra.

You finish your drink.

Oh, hello.

Are you all right?

Yes.

Thanks for looking after us so well.

My pleasure.

You're nice people.

Mind you, I must say, that man of yours.

I've never seen anyone so shy with the ladies.

Yes.

He is like that.

Well, that's the last flying fish we'll be eating.

Can't get them in Southend.

No.

You've had a rotten time, haven't you?

Well, not when it's just been you and me.

That's been lovely.

But in public, you've been a tort as a bowstring.

You've taken so much trouble not to even look at another woman.

You might just as well have walked about with a paper bag over your head.

Well, there's a reason for that, Sandra. I was trying to show you how serious I

was taking the commitment I made to you.

I thought it was something like that.

I've really tried, Sandra.

Yes, I know you have.

Jacko, I don't want to marry you.

Eh?

I know you.

Whatever a lot of people say, you have got a sense of decency.

You try so hard to keep showing me I was the only woman in your life, you'd be a

nervous wreck in six months.

And so would I.

You trying and me watching.

I wouldn't be married to you.

I'd be married to somebody who was no fun at all.

I thought I was ready.

I really did.

Perhaps I'll never be ready, eh?

Perhaps not.

No.

How do you feel?

Relieved. How do you feel?

Relieved.

Still mate?

Best mate.

Cheers, mate.

Cheers, mate.

What's your line, Anthony?

Do you see me wearing Pierre Cardin braces?

I don't think they go with dungarees.

Well, that's nice.

That's Pierre Cardin, too.

Oh, just a minute.

Only available on Tuesdays on the Hong Kong flight between 2 and 2 .30.

How about a Pierre Cardin tie?

No, if I can't have the braces, I don't think I'll bother.

Very good, sir. I won't be a moment, sir.

No. Oh, have something.

Oh, what's the point?

At the end of the day, all they'll have in duty freeze is woodbines and brown

ale.

Oh, flaming Ada.

What's the matter? Why didn't I think of it?

Well, we know we've cancelled the wedding. I forgot to tell Eric to cancel

wedding.

Come on, come on.

I'll be here. Don't panic.

You be good.

Cutting it a bit fine, aren't they? Yeah, I should have made them at the

airport. No, you shouldn't. You've run yourself ragged this week already.

Well, I hope the piece of it doing this one is in good health.

Oh, that would be too much.

I mean, what are the odds on two weddings being postponed because the

collapses?

Astronomical. Mind you, the odds against the same person being struck by

lightning twice are astronomical.

But it has happened.

It has.

It has happened.

It's done to him.

Never mind. The cavalry's arrived.

Hello, all.

Hello. Hello,

everybody.

Here we are again.

Hello.

Notice anything about my jowsy shoulders?

Uh, they're broad.

Oh, I know that.

And they ripple, don't they, darling?

Tell you what, Pumpkin, you'll set me off.

No.

Notice anything on top of his shoulders?

His head?

These.

They've turned him into a major.

Ah, well done. Really good.

Thanks. The only one regret, shan't be able to do my favourite joke anymore.

What joke is that then, Giles?

Well, when I had a captain's pips, I used to play them like an accordion.

Excuse us.

Dear, oh, dear.

Do you realise if there's another war, he'll be leading men into battle?

They'd have to prise him away from Gloria first.

That greedy guy's over there eating sandwiches.

Can't he wait for the reception?

Oh, that's the photographer.

Conscientious bloke. He was late last time, so he's been here since nine o

'clock this morning, apparently.

don't have toilets in churches, I shall never know.

I'm sorry, Angel.

Daddy is a man.

You do realise that there are dead people under there, don't you?

They get rained on.

You might have told me you weren't Sean Connery last week.

You didn't give me a chance.

You just tore up while I was still blinded by your flesh.

What are you talking about?

Me making a fool of myself with a slough advertiser.

I rushed round there with a photograph and they just laughed in my face.

Well, it's obvious he's not Sean Connery, isn't it? Not to me, it isn't.

go to the pictures.

Someone said he was a famous film star and I just put two and two together and

made five.

Don't blame yourself too much. A lot of people say I look like Sean Connery.

Well, they didn't at the Slough Advertiser.

Hooted with laughter, they did.

Hooted.

Right.

That's the Slough Advertiser I might hate. If they come crawling to me

any painting done, I shall knee it in the face.

It's not very likely, is it? We live in Motspur Park.

You never know, Veronica.

Expansion is always on my mind. In a few years' time, I could be nationwide.

What are you going to do, take over the building society?

No, the acid, Leslie.

Just cos Daddy had to have a wee -wee.

You told that photographer you were a famous film star.

Somebody would have walked mind.

Jacko.

I had hoped that marriage would bring some sanity to him, but obviously it

hasn't. He's not married yet, Lionel. He won't be at all if he doesn't hurry up.

It's getting very approximate.

Wouldn't it be too awful if they were late and the wedding got postponed a

second time?

Yes, it would.

Wouldn't it, Leslie?

Here, Veronica.

Hold these words with you. These folks' shorts are all racked up.

What a disgusting thought.

Having Carrie tonight, Elmo?

No, it's for chucking at the bride and groom.

We'll take them out of the boxes first, presumably.

Of course I will. I'm not a moron.

Why right, anyway?

I've, um, I've, uh, gone off, confetti.

Well, whichever it is, keep away from the back of my dress this week.

What are you doing around the back of her dress?

Don't lie. No, I mean, can't you see how potentially funny it is to have me

creeping up behind you?

No. Oh.

Hello. They're here.

They're here, everybody. They're here.

You're going to tell me something I don't like, aren't you?

Maybe. Sorry, Eric.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?

There's been a slight change of plan.

The wedding's off.

Oh!

I think we're ready for... Are

they all gay?

It's all.

What? Why?

Who knows, Vicar?

Who knows with people like this?

They might have the civility to tell me. They don't know what civility means.

They have no regard for us professionals.

I came over from Collieswood especially.

I came all the way down from Slough.

Well, I know one thing.

I'm not coming south of the river again.

Not if this is what you get.

Excuse me one moment.

Mr. Whittering?

Mr. Whittering?

You can stop playing now.

Lester? Yes? Come up for the weekend.

Get away from it all.

We can, you know...

talk. I don't need that kind of talk, Carol.

Well, when you do. Yeah. Thank you, Carol.

Come here.

Come here. Lovely earring.

Never mind the earring.

If you want to have a good howl, we can go into that back room and you can have

it on my shoulder.

I'm fine, thank you, Gloria.

Hello,

Sandra. Look, this isn't my territory.

I'd just like to say... Thanks.

Excuse me.

Any luck with your mum and dad?

They've gone home. I've been disinherited.

It's not fair you taking all the blame.

I've got four yards of hardcore sitting in my drive, thanks to you.

I didn't put four yards of hardcore in your drive.

I could have had that down today.

A bit more space for the kids' bikes.

Or for a carport for me, when you let me learn to drive.

Or that.

Possibly. But no, no, no, we drive all the way down from Leicester to see you

not get married again.

Look, have a go at me as well.

I'm as much to blame as Jackal.

No, you're not.

Look, Steve, would it help if I came up and gave you a hand with that cement?

Yeah, yeah, it would.

Tell you what, we'll fix the day.

Then I'll arrange for the cement not to be delivered.

And how are you, Eric?

I'm a bit put out.

He's living.

Oh, are you?

Well, yeah.

There's no well about it.

He hasn't had five minutes to himself with all these arrangements of yours.

He has aged this week.

Using a walking frame now, are you?

Only on long journeys.

Don't laugh.

Why you couldn't have telephoned, I don't know. It was inexcusable.

at the last minute. We were on the plane.

Mind you, you do hear of pilots radioing ahead.

Not bringing people up in their houses, they don't.

I bet you didn't even ask the pilot to try and phone Eric.

Why did we think it was a good idea to carry on with the research?

Come here, you brave little mite.

That's twice, twice you've broken this poor child's heart.

I'm not a child, Mr Bainbridge.

My heart's not broken, Mr Bainbridge.

And would you please stop squashing my shoulder pads, Mr Bainbridge?

Brave, brave girl.

Brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it, my angel?

Yes, it does, Daddy. I'm deeply moved.

Do you want to borrow a handkerchief to wipe the tears away, Ledley? No, thank

you. Don't you get funny. I'm looking at you. I'm weighing things up.

Gunning a fruit and veg business, are you, Lionel?

Shut up and listen.

I'm weighing up whether my morality will let me continue to employ a... a, um...

Person? Thank you, my darling.

A person like you.

Listen, Mr Bainbridge, if Jackal goes, I go.

What have you done to this little dot?

Hypnotised her.

Lionel, will you get it into your head? We both agreed not to get married.

Oh.

Now, look here, Sondra. You want a sympathetic little pal, someone of your

age, to help you through this desperate period in your life?

She's standing beside me.

Leslie? Yes.

I do understand how awful it must be for you, having all your dreams dashed like

that. See?

That's what you get from my Leslie.

I'd have expected no less.

Well, in the meantime, Sandra, come with me and have a sandwich.

Okay.

She's been inflated alive in my day.

Disapproving as you do, I'm surprised you've stayed on.

Well, I've stayed on because I don't like to see the good food go to waste.

I get you something dainty on a plate, my darling?

No, thank you, Daddy.

Well, I think I'll stay on and have some ham.

Oi! Cyril Parker, keep your hands off that ham, it's booked.

Hello, Leslie.

I'm a major now.

Major mistake, as far as I'm concerned.

One tries.

Well, that put the cavalry to flight.

At least he's half a gentleman.

Which I'll... And if you have any meanderful notion

of putting rice down the back of my dress, you can forget it.

I wasn't going to.

The atmosphere's gone right off, yeah? I shan't be chucking it, I shall be

eating it. I'll make myself a big rice pudding tonight.

How thrilling for you.

Oh, mate, you wouldn't fancy joining me in a rice pudding tonight, would you?

No, thanks, Elmo.

Get down the front of me trunk.

Excuse me.

You're going through a lot of flats tonight, aren't you?

But for my money, what you've done deserves nothing but praise.

Well, thank you, Elmo.

I mean, the first bit was brilliant.

Giving the first vicar a penny's sight as though there's no wedding, but

her on honeymoon anyway.

Oh, dear. But the second part, coming back and still not having to marry her,

that is class.

You sure you don't want a rice pudding tonight?

No, thanks, no.

Oh, shame. I thought we could work out our plan of campaign.

Me and you have a plan, do we? Oh, yeah.

I'm footloose and fancy free now.

And although I say it, I am a bit of an operator myself.

Together, we could lay waste to the crumpet round here.

Right, Elmo, but if you want to be the Sundance Kid to my Butch Cassidy, you've

got to prove you're as quick on the draw as what I am. Right, what do I have to

do? Well, you have to prove your mettle by cracking it with Leslie.

Or I'll ride alone, Elmo.

All right, I will then.

Only I'll put me rice down, because she don't like that.

We'll have to be going soon.

All the way back to Leicester.

Well, mind you don't get stuck in your cement.

What was that?

I think it was the Sundance kid getting gunned down.

Bit of an atmosphere here, isn't there, Veronica?

Where did Leslie learn to do that?

Oh, it's not just that.

All over.

Same, really, because this could have been such a happy day.

I feel a bit guilty.

What have you done, Gloria?

me and Giles getting on so superbly well.

You do realise that he is a career soldier, don't you, Gloria?

Oh, yes.

And it's wonderful for him because he's crazy about anything to do with horses.

He loves me and spurs.

I'm taking riding lessons, you see.

Taking an interest in his interest. Oh, yes.

I'm dying to tell someone.

Do you know what Giles and I are going to get up to next week?

for a regimental dinner held at the office of the Mayor of the Royal Scots

Graves.

Are you all right?

Yes. I was just thinking.

What? You do realise that those dudes can be a bit stuffy, don't you?

Don't worry.

I'm going to be on my best behaviour because I want my jobs to be really

of me.

Excuse me.

There he is.

Give me one of his looks.

You.

Hello, Gloria.

Hello, you two.

Hello, Veronica.

Hello, Mrs Bainbridge.

Well, I think you did the right thing.

Too many people get married today without really thinking about it, and

I could kiss you, Veronica.

Go on, then.

You're the one person who hasn't tried to console Sandra or threatened to punch

my Eddie.

Well, it was sprung on them, and most of them still don't really understand why.

We have been round trying to explain.

Well, get formal on them, then. Get up and make a formal statement.

Nah, no, I don't see why we should.

Well, I do.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, could everybody listen, please?

I've got something...

Jacko is not going to keep on taking the stick for the wedding being cancelled.

We decided not to get married.

We. We had our reasons and they're private.

Now, you can go on thinking what you think if you choose, but don't say you

haven't been told.

Thank you.

I nearly married that woman.

Well, here you are, Sandra.

I'll deliver you back to normal life.

Do you think everybody did understand?

Well, it doesn't matter, really, does it? We know what we meant.

That's the important thing.

Yeah.

Coming in for a coffee?

No, thanks. No.

To tell you the truth, what with the flight and the jet lag and the

We got the reception.

I've just about had it.

Yeah, I'm quite tired as well.

See you at work tomorrow, then?

She's ever so nice, you know.

That girl in the office.

Night. Night.

Hello, Jacko.

Hello, Leslie. What are you doing here?

It's me, isn't it?

I know.

You must want to say hello, Leslie.

No.

You know what I mean.

Look, Leslie, I'm tired.

I'm not in the mood for mysticism.

When did you know it was me?

When I recognised you.

Why did you come here? The reason you didn't marry Sandra.

It's because of me, isn't it?

Look, you've got your faults, Leslie, but being daft isn't one of them.

Now, you heard my reason at the reception.

I heard an explanation, but I don't believe a word of it.

You didn't marry Sandra because you realised it was me you wanted all the

I did not.

So you haven't admitted it to yourself, then?

I haven't admitted it to myself because I never thought of it in the first

place. I see.

Finally filtered through, is it?

You will admit it to yourself sooner or later.

I mean, you and I have had a very bumpy past.

But when things were good, you know as well as I do, it was very special.

Admit it, Jacko.

Good night.

Now, don't you two start again. I'm whacked.

I've had hell of a day.

Yeah, well, Eric's had hell of a week.

I didn't get to make a speech, you know.

I was really looking forward to making my speech.

All right.

Go on.

Do it now if it makes you feel better.

I put a lot of work into that speech.

He spent the whole evening with the dictionary finding just the right words.

Didn't get to read the telegrams either.

Yeah.

I shan't be doing best man again.

When you take it so seriously and your hopes are dashed twice.

Well, how much is it going to cost me for you two to shut up about this?

£2 ,000.

Right. I'll write you a cheque in the morning. Yeah, well, don't forget.

We're going to bed. Come on, Eric.

Oh, by the way, your bedclothes are over there. Right.

Hang on.

What do you mean my bedclothes are over there?

My bedclothes are upstairs on my bed.

Yeah, but somebody's flooping up there.

Well, that's a bit of a cheek, isn't it? In case you've forgotten, we've been

labouring under the misapprehension that you were going to get married today

and, well, you wouldn't be needing your flat again.

And nobody telephoned to tell us otherwise.

All right, all right, all right. I'll sleep on the sofa.

Good.

Hey, how long's whoever it is going to be up there, then?

Well, a long time, if they like it.

What do you mean if they like it? That's my flat up there. Not anymore.

We've let it. Tonight.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

nature.