Original subtitles

Because of you, these friends I do.

Because of you, because of you.

All an exhibition.

I don't think you did it on purpose, Lionel. No backbone.

Keeling over like that.

How awful. Do you think you'll be all right?

Excuse me, please. Excuse me. Come on, fellas.

Come on. Three steps here. Come on, fellas.

Come on. Bring it down. Bring it down. Mind your back, please. Come on. Out of

the way. Come on.

Come on. This way.

Pull the rug out from under everything, innit?

What am I going to do about Evensong?

I don't know, do I?

I'm more concerned about the wedding.

I'm the best man after all.

Hey,

I don't suppose you could do it for us?

I'm only the virgin, I'm not the empowered.

I must phone the bishop.

Oh, will he do it? No.

He's hand -gliding near Brighton.

Hand -gliding?

He's on holiday.

Well, what's the point of phoning him then? Well, it's Evensong and...

Services generally.

Somebody's got to do it.

And it's Sunday tomorrow. That's a big day for us.

Well, I realise that.

But today was supposed to be a big day for my best mate and his bride -to -be.

Look,

there must be something you can do.

Don't you have substitutes?

I don't know.

I've only been a virgin for five weeks.

I must phone the bishop.

I suppose he's got a car phone on his hand glider, has he?

Bishop Tangliding.

Did he say Bishop?

I think so, Pumpkin.

I say, a bit of a shambles, all this, isn't it?

With knobs on.

Poor Sandra, she must feel awful.

It's terrible for a woman to be built up to a climax and then have it taken away

from her.

Yes, it must be.

You.

How do you glide it? Yeah.

And the verge is only half trained. He don't know what to do.

First time I've ever been best man, Jean. It's all gone wrong, hasn't it?

Now, don't get me wrong.

It's not your fault.

I can tell you one thing. There'll be a few red faces at Lambeth Palace on

Monday. Why, Mr Bainbridge?

Because I'm writing to the Archbishop of Canterbury. That's why.

All in state of affairs.

The humiliation that's been caused today.

It's very kind of you, Mr Bainbridge, but I don't think Jacko and Sandra would

want you to go that far.

I'm talking about my humiliation.

Your wedding, Lionel.

But I'm here, though, aren't I? I've turned up.

I'm prominent locally.

Your thoughtfulness, presumably.

And you can stop grinning like a Cheshire cat, Leslie.

I'm very upset for both of them.

Must be just too awful.

Here they come!

Here they come!

Is she all right now?

What do you want to do?

Rather than go back home or what?

I don't really know.

I'm still taking it all in. I know.

Right out of the blue, that, wasn't it, when he fell down?

The vicar?

Didn't I have to clunk his head on that candle thing?

I think he's all right.

Hooray! Hooray!

Lobby confetti!

Look, in case this escapes your notice, Elmo, we did not get married. I know

that. So why are you throwing confetti? Because I've got a lot of it.

All right, Sandra.

I think so.

I've taken it ever so well.

There's not much else I can do, really.

No.

Sorry, Jacko.

Nothing I can do.

The verge is only half -trained and the bishop's hand -gliding.

That's all I mean. You're not a magician.

Anyway, we both know each other.

Hand -gliding?

Yeah. Here, I wonder if he wears his hat and his robes, eh? Or possibly a mitre

-shaped crash helmet.

Give someone an awful shock, wouldn't it, if they looked up and saw him

about?

Jacko? I'll watch you, Steve.

I thought you might... Hooray! Hooray!

Do you know something, Elmo? What?

When I was in Canada, I forgot just what a lard brain you are.

It's only having a laugh.

Their wedding has just been ruined.

Well, my fault.

Here, I know what I'll do. I'm going to stuff some confetti down some girl's

dress.

Why on earth did you invite him?

Why did we invite him?

We didn't.

Oh, that's right, yeah, we didn't. He just assumed he was coming and we didn't

have the heart to say no.

Hooray! Oh, yeah, I was talking to the verger. The poor old vicar's got

appendicitis. And a bad sense of timing, eh?

Did the verger say anything about a bishop or is he still offering somewhere

over Brighton?

Come again?

Never mind.

Look, thing is, what do we do now?

Oh, crumpet.

The reception's all been laid on, hasn't it?

Well, I don't know what to do.

Have it.

Have it.

I would.

Why? It's obvious.

It's all been paid for.

What a very sensitive point to make.

Plus, plus, I'm certainly not standing about in some graveyard all afternoon.

The longer I'm here, the more chance there is of my being held up for

by the local press.

That ain't typical of you, that is, Lionel. Think about everyone else before

yourself. Let's have the reception.

Here you are. Why not?

All our friends are here. We don't walk about.

Go on.

Go on. You're a good girl. All right. I'll tell everyone. Here. Can I stand on

your head, Lionel? No.

All right.

All right, everyone.

Here's the news.

The vicar has got appendicitis and we don't know the bishop's ETA, so the

wedding is off.

But we have decided to go on with the reception.

So, if you'll jump in your jam jars, we'll meet you at the hall.

Stop, please, stop.

What can I say? I'm terribly, terribly sorry. What about?

Being late.

But, you see, I overheated near Stein's Reservoir.

What's that got to do with us?

I am Keith Harding.

I am your photographer.

Oh! Well, I'm sorry, mate. It's all off.

Oh, don't take that attitude.

I did my best.

My panbell went.

If I was a woman, I could have used my tights.

You disgusting creature.

You're locked up.

That's a bit strong.

I mean, that is a bit strong, isn't it?

Photography is an honourable profession.

Yes, I'm sure it is.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You say you were the photographer?

Yes, but I did get here as soon as I could, honestly. Oh, did you?

Let me tell you this.

You come near me with a camera, go straight down your throat.

Flash and all.

What is wrong with you people?

Are you all right there, Sandra?

Any tricky little hook size or poppers you want a hand with?

No, thank you.

It's been a funny day so far, hasn't it?

Precisely.

You know when you've been to the dentist and the anaesthetic's just wearing off

and you don't quite know where you are?

Yeah. Well, that's how I feel now.

Quite understandable considering the circumstances.

I mean, just think, if that vicar's appendix had kept itself to itself just

five more minutes, we'd be Mr and Mrs by now.

So we would.

What did you think in church?

Well, I was startled more than anything.

I mean, the acoustics made the sound of his head hitting that candle thing

really reverberate.

No. I mean, what did you think when you were waiting at the altar?

Oh.

What did you think when you were coming down the aisle?

How long it was.

Seemed to have gone for miles.

You still haven't told me what you were thinking.

No, I haven't, have I?

Well?

Well, I was, er, what's the word?

Terrified.

In fact, I remember turning to Eric and saying, Eric, I think I've made a

terrible mistake.

But, and there is a but, Sandra, and if you don't listen, you'll never know.

This had better be good.

But then you came up alongside me. I looked at you and I thought, I really

should make a commitment.

And this is the girl I want to make it to.

That was very good.

Then that stupid vicar had to go and take a pearler, didn't he?

I wonder if he'll be fit for the next one.

No, that was for three o 'clock.

No, our next one.

It would be nice to give him a chance to redeem himself.

Perhaps we could troop up to the hospital and he could do us from his

At least he couldn't fall over again. He'd be lying down already.

Still... In the meantime, eh?

We'd better get to the reception.

You look surprised.

Veronica, what's that grey stuff?

Smoked mackerel pate.

Do I like that?

Think of it as fish paste.

Nice spread, isn't it?

Yeah, in its way, I suppose.

Bit plebby.

Are we all of a sudden the Duke and Duchess of Mott Fair Park?

No, what I'm saying is that when Leslie gets married, this is the sort of food

the servants will be eating.

Servant? The ones who'll be serving us at Leslie's wedding.

Object out, they'll be.

In hostelry.

Livery.

Yeah.

Wish I was a colonel in the lifeguards.

Why? The uniform.

Nice for the father of the bride to stand out in something.

You could use your lodge regalia.

Don't ever mention my... when there's more than me present. And B, if my

was ever made public, well, let's just say I'd come back from the Salamander

General's room in Erie.

A changed man.

Did I say something funny?

No.

I hope Leslie does get married.

There's no hope about it. She's got blokes swarming round her. Yeah, but she

keeps swatting them.

Mr and Mrs Bainbridge?

Yeah? Hello, um, I'm Steve.

I'm an old mate of Jacko's.

I see.

How could you?

I suppose you two rode the range together when you were younger, did you?

Yeah, not half.

Of course, there's always a worried father at home, you know.

Did your father worry, Mrs Bainbridge?

No, he did not.

And I'll tell you why, because I am a respectable married man with a daughter.

What, then?

He knew I would be.

Oh, well, that makes me all right then, doesn't it?

Because I'm a married man with three children.

Oh, well, that's different.

That puts you on my side of the line then.

Oh, thank you very much.

I wonder if Jack -O' -Sandra will have children.

His blood ought to be stamped out.

You'll have to forgive my husband, Steve.

He wanted to be a colonel in the lifeguards.

Lionel, not the whole thing.

Thanks very much indeed.

How did you get on with Eric von Stroheim?

I've had more intelligent conversations with my baby girl, and she can't talk

yet.

Can I have two small treble whiskies, please, miss?

Make that a lemonade, please.

Oh, right, and a lemonade, please. No, the lemonade's for you.

Oh, come on, Carol.

It is a wedding.

Well, almost a wedding.

It's not that, but you've got to drive us back to Leicester tonight.

What are you talking about? You and the kids are staying around our place

tonight. Somehow, I don't think Jacko would like us all in his bed with him.

Oh. Oh, of course, yeah. We had anticipated Jacko being on his

we? Well, if you'd have let me have driving lessons.

All right, all right.

Where's me lemonade?

Here it is, here it is!

You two, go on. Oh, jeez, how am I going to get rid of it all?

I thought you had the highly intellectual idea of shoving it down

back. Oh, yes, I did.

Only not mine.

I do have men.

Funny you should say that, Leslie, because I seem to remember you being

Jacko once. The other way round, maybe.

Oh, dear.

What? Well, I have a sneaking suspicion that Elmo's picked the wrong girl.

No. I think with a little thing like Sandra, he...

I'm no joke.

What is it? What is it?

Come with me.

That is not funny.

Neither are you.

Hello, Leslie.

What do you want?

Just saying hello.

Well, you've just said it. Goodbye.

Beasley, we were chum.

Until you decided to go slumming with that.

Gloria isn't a that.

She's a very warm and giving little person.

Yes, to anybody.

She's still on.

Oh, hello.

Having a little chat?

That's it.

No point in being bad friends, is there?

I've nothing to say to your type of person.

And what type would that be?

A vulgar little tart.

Oh, I see.

Charles, would you go over there a minute? Please, I want to talk to

Right -o, pumpkin.

Listen, vomit.

You talk to me like that again and I'll take you outside and break your leg.

Get it?

Don't be a bird.

Hello, Gloria.

Passing the time of day with Leslie, were you?

Back up this little article.

What you ever saw in her, I don't know.

Don't you, Gloria?

can dominate everything else.

Funny how nature arranges itself, isn't it?

Hysterical.

You know, I've often thought if you and I had ever... cohorted,

they'd have heard the explosion on the other side of the channel.

Gloria, this is almost my wedding day.

Come on, Gloria, please.

Jacko, can I have a word?

Excuse me, Gloria.

For the moment.

Dante!

I've been on the phone.

The bishop has landed.

Ah! Any messages from on high? Yeah, he said he's at his wit's end.

That must be all that cold air rushing up his nostrils, eh?

It will definitely sort something out about rearranging the wedding, only it

can't be specific yet.

Uh, except to say it'll be a week at least.

A week?

I see.

Oh, and God bless you.

So... Jacko?

Yeah? Has this bloke wanted to see you?

Who is he?

Well, I don't know.

He's a bit white around the gills, and he says he's been cogitating in his car.

Has he?

Well, I'd better see him. Yeah, that's him.

Right.

Eric, if you get fiddly later, you won't tap dance, will you?

I can't tap dance.

No, but when you get tiddly, you always think it can.

What can I do for you?

Treat me as a decent human being to begin with.

Pardon?

All I ask for is a fair hearing.

Are you Jovers Whitney?

Now, I am your photographer.

Oh, I see.

I'll be honest, I was tempted to drive back to Datchet and pinch out my

tomatoes, but I didn't.

And why didn't I?

Didn't fancy it? No, because I pride myself on my professional pride, that's

why. Random happy snaps at the reception, it says on my brief, and

snaps I would very much like to attempt.

Well, there's no point.

Oh, for goodness sake, I was only five minutes late.

There's no reason for everybody to treat me like a pariah.

We're not, and it's nothing to do with you being late.

The wedding's off.

The vicar keeled over with appendicitis.

Oh, I see.

Then why are you having the reception?

Well, naturally effective people, I suppose.

But don't worry. We'll book you again when we fix the wedding up. In the

meantime, have something to eat, something to drink, and get festive, eh?

thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, but there was... There was one particular

man, though, whose behaviour was totally inexcusable.

No matter what circumstances.

Him.

Why, yes. How did you know?

Wild guess.

He threatened to run my camera down my neck if I so much as pointed it at him.

Oh, well, there's a reason for that.

He's hounded by the paparazzi day in and day out.

The paparazzi, eh? Mm.

Why?

Well, don't you recognise him?

He's a famous film star.

Is he?

Yeah. What a game.

Oh, that's more than my life's worth, that.

Just a minute.

Now that I'm looking at him, I do recognise him.

Really? Yes, it's... Oh, what his name? Don't tell me. No, it's on the tip of my

tongue. It's... I know who it is.

It's Sean Connery.

Hey, Carol, can I borrow my bright to be for a moment? Yeah, of course you can,

mate.

Have you been mingling?

Have I ever?

I want a private word.

Oh, yeah? Come on.

Why in here?

Because it's private.

Tell a lie.

Gloria!

Not necessarily, Gloria, no.

Then what are you two doing in here, then?

We wanted to have a private chat.

Oh, right.

We believe you.

Don't we, Charles?

Come on.

Active little beggar, isn't he, Cupid?

Right, get out, Sandra.

You look serious.

I am.

Because I want you to consider a proposition that wouldn't normally enter

your sphere of activity.

Oh, yes.

Right.

Now, when Charlton moves to Sellers Park... How about saying what you mean?

Right. Right.

I know we're not exactly married, Sandra, but should we go on our

anyway? Oh, yes.

Your mouth's open.

To tell the truth, I... Jackal.

All I ever asked for was some commitment.

And you've made it.

That simple?

Not for you, it wasn't.

No.

Well, look, we'll tell the mums and dad and Eric and Jean privately.

Get them in here. Right. And then I'll make an announcement to the main body of

the hall.

Oh, come on, would you sneak off?

No. No, that wouldn't be fair on the few people that knew the facts.

I mean, after we'd disappeared, they'd get pestered to pieces, wouldn't they?

Yeah, you're right.

Right.

Oh!

Incidentally, your dad doesn't carry any secret Geordie weapons about with him,

does he?

Only me ma 'am.

I suppose that's all we can say.

Well,

they seem to take that all right.

You put it beautifully, Jackal.

Off the cuff, too.

I had me wedding speech prepared, but I didn't think I was going to have to make

that one.

Of course, I shan't be making me best man speech.

Oh, I'm sorry, Eric.

Well, Jean.

What do you think of our Irish arrangements, having the honeymoon

wedding?

Why should it matter what I think?

Well, we used to pull each other's hair when we were kids, didn't we? That forms

a sort of bond, doesn't it?

I'd like to know what you think.

Oh, have a lovely time.

Both of you.

I haven't asked your opinion yet, Eric. I am deeply shocked, young man.

Behaviour of this sort would not have been tolerated in my day.

You never asked.

Right.

I suppose we'd better tell everyone else.

Eric. Yes?

I don't suppose you... No.

No, I didn't think so.

Could I have your attention, please, everybody?

I have an announcement to make.

Oh, yeah.

Will those of a nervous disposition please sit down?

Well, I think it's disgusting.

You've always been a dirty little dick, but this goes beyond the veil.

Don't think it was an easy decision to make, Lionel.

I had to be convinced, and it took you to convince me. I wouldn't soil my hands

with an idea like that.

No, not directly, no. I mean, I was just following your highly romantic tenet

that I might as well because it'd been paid for.

I was referring to the grub and booze.

I wouldn't go to bed with my Veronica just because it was paid for.

I want you to rephrase that, Lionel, and I want you to do it before we leave

here. No, Veronica.

I don't think Lionel meant it like that.

I mean, after all, we know that this is a man with the soul of a poet. Exactly.

It's just that he doesn't know his iambic pentameter from his elbow.

You tripound!

Told you the press was after me. I'm sorry, Mr Connery.

Well, I could not pass up this opportunity to get a photo in the Slough

Advertiser. It's people like you.

Mr Connery.

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

He thinks you're Sean Connery.

Sean Connery?

Well, I suppose that's understandable. I've always looked a bit like him.

always said so, haven't you, Veronica?

No.

Hey, Jacko.

Hello, Steve.

I thoroughly approve, mate.

Well, thanks.

Because he's taken different people in different ways.

Well, you know me. I'm a Barbara Cartland sort of person at heart.

White wine, please.

Plus, now we can stay at your flat tonight, I can enter into the spirit of

proceedings and get absolutely legless.

Bless you, my child.

Thank you, vicar.

Can I have that small treble whiskey now, please, miss? Make that a lemonade,

please. Carol, I don't have to drive now.

I'm afraid you do.

I've just told Sandra's mum and dad that you'll give them a lift to the station.

Lemonade. So if you could liaise with the ecclesiastical people and book the

wedding for when we get back from Barbados.

Oh, and re -invite all the guests.

Redo the catering, the cards and all the trimmings. You want your pound of flesh

from your best man, don't you?

If my hat wasn't in a box on top of my wardrobe, Jacko, I'd take it off to you.

Why's that, Elmo?

You'd get her on honeymoon without having to marry her. And now, you give

vicar appendicitis. It's mind -blowing.

Yes, it is, yes.

I mean, how do you give someone appendicitis?

Tell him about the powdered tiger's whiskers, Eric.

Powdered what?

Er, powdered tiger's whiskers.

See, what Jacko did was to slip powdered tiger's whiskers into the vicar's milk.

Blimey! Where did you get the tiger's whiskers from?

Some from a tiger.

We went down the zoo.

lured the tiger to the bottom of the cage with a tin of cat's meat, then

off his whiskers.

Hang on, I wasn't born yesterday.

How did you get the tiger to stand still for that?

We had a gorilla holding him down.

Well, I wouldn't have gone.

Of course you wouldn't, my angel.

I think it's appalling.

Double appalling.

I never realised I had such a moral family.

Well, you have.

And I'll tell you where it stems from. The top. Me.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I have never condoned premarital goings -on.

That isn't what you said at Bognor Regis.

They're going!

They're going!

Bye, everyone. Bye.

Bye.

You're getting the confetti this time, like it or not.

Looking for the young couple who were to be married today.

Oh, that's us.

Oh, jolly good.

I've been drafted in from Collier's Wood.

I'm afraid we can't arrange another ceremony for at least a week. But I do

one or two dates after that we might discuss.

Oh, right. Well, you'd better speak to my best man, Eric, because we've got a

shoot -off.

Just a minute. Why?

We're going on our honeymoon.

Drop of brandy, Vicar?

Because of you.

Because of you.