Original subtitles

Sometimes I said, yeah, feeling alone.

No one to talk to, I got no telephone.

Your brother wants you.

Yeah, OK, I heard.

Do you want my phone number?

Why?

Well, just in case.

In case anything needs sorting out.

Isn't that what solicitors are paid for?

Are you going to be all right?

Try then.

Are you going to be all right?

These things happen all the time, don't they?

It'd be worse.

People are dying all over the planet.

Being tortured in some godforsaken prison.

Bombings. Losing their families.

Petty bit of infidelity in a Nottingham suburb pales into insignificance.

One has to take the broader view.

I don't mean to... It's all right.

Just relax, take it easy.

It's the old story.

I didn't see the truck coming.

That's what gets you.

I know.

It makes you feel so bloody silly.

Like a fourth former.

Thanks, Mr Boone.

There you go.

Cheers.

It's not so much a pain, it's... More of a tingle?

Oh, no.

More than a tingle.

Definitely. So it's somewhere between a pain and a tingle?

Well, it's all down my right leg and it's worrying me.

Oh, Ken, there was another case query from Stennings. Would you give him a

What shall I tell him?

If it's another infidelity case, tell him to set fire to it and shove it down

the lavatory pan, followed by his head.

What's up with you?

Nothing.

Where are you going?

Anywhere. Out of this office.

Come on, Ken.

This isn't like you, mate.

Isn't it, Harry?

How do you know how I feel, eh?

How do you know what this feeling is?

It's depressing, seedy, interfering, meddling in what should be people's

business.

You've just had a bad one.

Palmer hired you, remember?

He wanted to find out if his wife was monkeying about.

And he has. She was.

End of story.

No, Harry. I'm beginning to think I want out.

Out?

Out as in resignation?

All right. No, let's not be hasty. I do not want any more Mr and Mrs Pampers.

Everything all right at work?

Well, a bit... a bit strained, just at present.

Strained?

Well, pressurised, I suppose, is the word.

But it'll pass.

There's nothing wrong, is there?

That's like cake of A .G .E.

A .G .E.? Age.

Oh.

Catches us all in the end, you know.

Do you smoke?

Drink? Oh, that's very kind. I'll have a large one.

Very, um, very, very moderately.

Play any sports?

The odd round of golf.

What you business chaps don't seem to realise is that the human frame was

designed for exercise, not sitting around with endless cups of coffee and

expense -account lunches.

Don't drink coffee. Don't worry, Mr Crawford, you've got a few years left.

However, you are exhibiting small signs of stress.

You need to relax more, preferably something active.

Stress?

Stress?

Executive stress?

Sounds very grand.

There's no joking about it, Ken.

I've read about it in Esquire.

These American whiskies get it. Too many meetings, not enough relaxation, and

all of a sudden... All of a sudden what?

They fall off their perches like canaries down up here.

Yes. Well, while you two geriatrics are discussing your ailments, I've got to go

and help Rocky watch a paint dry at the Ideal Gazebo exhibition.

How much longer has he got to go on that?

According to Rocky, five days, five hours.

And 46 minutes.

Oh, and 12 seconds.

Give him my regards.

Now, Ken.

Now, Harry, if this is leading up to what I think my answer is still, I want

out. Now, hear me out.

Now, we've been cooped up, letting things get on top of us.

Now, what about taking a bit of time away? Get a bit of perspective back.

Me and you?

Together, you mean?

Where would we go?

Well, you leave that to me. I mean, I'll sort something out.

No, Harry.

It's going to take more than a way day to sort this out.

Oh, come on.

Not me.

A complete break.

Please don't let me regret this.

Oh, this is more like it.

The open road.

Hey, the birds on the wing.

Rural paradise.

I can smell a difference.

I can smell manure.

Well, that's nature, that is. Nature.

I can feel myself unwinding already.

Harry, if you're relaxing, why are you doing 60 miles an hour down this country

lane?

Well, why didn't you warn me earlier?

Very peaceful.

Yeah, I'd regret this, Ken.

It makes you wonder, doesn't it, how you can live year in, year out in a smoggy

city when you've got this on your doorstep.

It certainly is very funny.

Have we passed a sign for Barpington yet?

Look, I'm on service.

Did you say Barpington?

Yeah, Barfington.

We passed the side of Barfington about ten miles away, great. Turn him. What

didn't you tell me?

Turn around.

Left there.

Hold up. Sorry, right.

Back there. It's going to be all right.

Thank you, Jen.

Don't get shocker with me, Ken Boone.

Just tell me why you didn't fill up in the town we came through. Because I

didn't think then that we're going on a Monte Carlo rally.

Well, I suppose it could be worse.

Hmm? Well, it could be raining.

I can see why he calls it a retreat.

Well, you know Richard Gern. Always in on the lightest pad.

Always being bowed out.

I don't understand it.

Looks deserted.

I should send a bit of hotmail writing for us.

Oh, my God, you said, mate. I'm going to switch it off at that age.

I just don't understand it.

Any chance of bailing this guy in, do you think? I'm freezing.

There you are, with a bit of luck.

You get a guy.

I'll check the sleeping situation.

How's the kipping, friend?

Well, I don't understand it.

Richard said the price was in good nick.

But off the roof, sir, it's like no hacker up there.

I'll have a word with young Richard.

He sold us a pig and a poke over this.

He made it out it was a five -star hotel.

It's a 12 -star hotel.

Well, there's nothing we can do about it tonight. We'll have to kick down in

here.

At least it'll be warm.

Yeah.

About eight o 'clock.

Oh.

I didn't get a wink of sleep.

I'll have the feeling.

Oh, come again.

Let's see if we can find some breakfast.

Nice holiday, Harry. Wet through, floor for a bed, starving hungry.

Look on the bright side.

What's that?

It can't get any worse.

One false move and I'll blow your heads off.

Couldn't get worse, he says.

Richard!

Carl?

Harry, what the hell's going on? Oh, Richard, thank goodness.

I've never been happier to see anybody in all my life.

We'll choose to get this pertinent... Tell him who we are.

Carl, drop the gun. These are friends of mine.

What exactly's been going on?

I found them.

Trespassing down old Cox's place.

Thought they might be sheep rustlers or something.

Well, I don't find it a laughing matter.

I've had a gun trained on you before you've even had your breakfast.

Oh, don't worry. It wasn't loaded.

If we wouldn't have a car with any ammunition, we'd end up with no feathers

left. Who is he?

He's a local jack -of -all -trades.

We employ him on a part -time basis.

Keep an eye on the local pheasant poachers.

More devil kidney?

Oh, I agree. Lovely.

But I don't understand it.

How on earth would that be to think that old Cox's hovel was this place?

We'd had a sign saying Greenham Farm.

Oh, gee.

This is Greenham Grange. That old Cox's Greenham Farm is completely dilapidated.

It has been for years.

We did say your property wasn't finished yet.

Well, I said we weren't finished. I meant that we hadn't had the time to

jacuzzis and Nautilus machines. Not that we're missing a roof or two.

Finish your breakfast.

I think you want to call the real Greenbridge.

These are the bedrooms.

Oh, very nice.

This is more like it.

Entree bathrooms.

Yes, this is more like it.

Satellite TV and optional minibar facility.

Optional minibar.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Mr Henderson, may I see you for a second?

Of course.

I think perhaps we should talk in private.

Surely.

I'll let you two settle in. You're in room nine next door. Thanks.

So, what's the plan?

Well, I thought we might take a leisurely... What is that smell?

That is the countryside, mate.

Drain's more like.

Nobody here, Fancy?

Pleasurely strong.

Sounds all right.

It's getting stronger.

I'm going to go and get cleaned up. I'll see you in the bar in half an hour.

You sure it's pig's will?

All over the dining room floor.

Someone must have thrown it in through the window.

In the dining room?

It's disgusting.

Can't clearing it up now.

Have any of the other guests been... Mr. Henderson, practical jokes are one

thing, but...

A fox.

Are you sure?

In largest life.

No, bigger.

Sitting there in the bathroom, snarling at me with big yellow fangs.

That's bizarre.

Great vicious brute of a thing.

Me heart nearly jumped out of me chest.

I'm sure it's some sort of misguided prank.

Do you suffer much from pranksters?

Only I noticed some graffiti on the wall out there this morning.

Look, I'll be perfectly straight with you.

We have had a bit of trouble recently.

I think it's the local lags.

I'm sure it's all going to die down soon.

Well, that's up to you, Richard.

But these pranks can't get out of hand.

For all they know, I might have had a heart condition.

I suspect you're made of sterner stuff, Unks. Leave it with me for the time

being. The thing is, I don't want to damage the Grange's reputation before

even had a chance to get started properly.

Now, Mr Parrott, let me introduce you to Harry and Ken, old friends of the

family. Delighted, I'm sure. Are you down here for the fishing or the

The walking.

It's about all we can manage at our age.

Is something against blood sports?

No, not a search.

Glad to hear it. There's too much squeamishness in modern society. Man is

hunter, you know. It's in his nature.

Have you ever read Carlisle?

No. Oh, you should. It would do you good.

Excuse me.

I think that's you off his Christmas card list, mate. Oh, don't let me get

near him at dinner.

Unks.

A physical as well as an emotional restoration should be encouraged.

But one shouldn't be puritanical about it. I would have thought you were flying

in the face of your church's orthodoxy there, Father.

No, no, Mr Parrott. You know the rules about religion and politics at the

table. Well, surely it's a decision for the individual.

Some people want deprivation.

Not a discomfort?

Well said, Harry.

The voice of the common man.

I beg your pardon?

Harry's right.

We aim for a totally peaceful environment, but silence and abstinence

oppressive, especially in a place as isolated as this.

Excuse me a minute, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, that seems a fair sort of attitude.

There's nothing fair about nature, Mr Boone.

The selection of the fittest, eh?

Fittest in the sense of the most up -sunny, not in the sense of the fastest

runner. A common misconception.

But surely the progress of the human race is hardly by a slavish obedience to

the forces of nature.

Otherwise we'd still be shivering outside our cave.

So, what is your point, Paul?

That if the good Lord allowed us to invent and build Concord...

The least we can do is fly.

I'm sorry, the sunbeds are going to be out of order for the next couple of

I'm sorry about the inconvenience.

Well, who needs a sunbed when you've got the real thing?

Or is the pipit?

Well, as long as it knows what it is, I don't see it makes any difference.

Oh, fascinating, eh?

Did you know there are 8 ,600 different species of birds in the world?

Well, it wouldn't surprise me if you just spotted half of them in the last

Oh, that's very amusing, Alice Kent.

Hang on.

But it might be a bunty.

That's funny.

There's a bloke over there watching us through binoculars.

I wonder what he's up to.

Well, he's probably a bird watcher wondering what you're up to watching

Yeah, I see what you mean.

I'll give him a wave.

Aye, aye!

Aye, aye?

He's legging it.

Probably couldn't take the competition, mate.

Or it could be a dog rose.

Hold up.

This is where we were last night.

Looks different in the daylight, doesn't it?

That's odd.

What?

I thought Richard said this place was deserting.

You did put that fire out, didn't you?

I thought I did.

What do you think?

I don't know. We might have caught the chimney at night.

Might be a bird's nest up there.

Harry. What?

You put it out, although I was scared around it.

What was all that about?

Oh, God knows.

He was on me before I knew it.

Where'd he go?

I wish to disappear.

Are you sure you're not hurt?

Oh, I've got a bit of a thick hair, but that's about all.

But it goes deeper than that, doesn't it?

What do you mean?

Oh, come on, Richard, I wasn't born yesterday.

There's something going on here, and I wish you'd say.

It's not just pranksters.

I've been having some trouble.

Quite a lot of trouble, actually.

It seems that... somebody's got it in for the Grange.

You know, ever since we've opened for business, nasty little incidents keep

occurring. What kind of incidents?

Old foxes in the bedroom, for one.

Awful, dumped on the dining room floor, messages scrawled all over the place.

Who do you think's responsible?

It could be anyone.

The locals are a pretty xenophobic lot, to say the least.

You know how these communities can be with strangers.

That's all well and good.

I mean, they're all entitled to their opinion.

But if they break the law, you ought to call in the police.

And then what, become known as the peaceful retreat that offers its

relaxing weekend being questioned by the local flatties?

Yeah, I see what you mean.

So, where do you go from here?

Look, cart on the table, Harry. I was delighted when you said you wanted to

down for the weekend, and not just because, you know, you're a friend of

family.

I was hoping that maybe you and Ken could keep an eye on the situation.

You are professionals, after all.

Oh, I don't know.

Ken set his heart when I'm in some time off.

But I'll see what I can do.

No. Oh, come on, Ken.

Oh, come on, Ken.

He invites me down here with the express purpose of having a holiday.

We haven't been here five minutes.

And he wants me on a case.

What am I supposed to do?

I mean, Richard's practically family. You've known him yourself since he was

short pants.

You can't just let him stew. I mean, the lad's in real trouble.

Harry, don't do this to me.

And I've been attacked.

I mean, doesn't that worry you?

I mean, what if I get set on again?

Hi, Carl.

I wonder if you can help us, mate.

It's about Jonty.

Jonty? I heard about your running with him.

He gets around fast in these parts.

Well, what's the word on him? He's a loner, that one.

Some people say he's simple, others say he's downright moody.

Don't want to get on the wrong side of him.

Has he got a right side?

He's normally harmless enough.

You obviously wandered into one of his special places.

Not with you.

There was some farm accident years ago.

Jonte's girl ended up drinking weed killer and Jonte went over the edge.

He has these special places where he used to meet up with her when they were

courting. Cox's Farm is one of them.

What about the Grange? Is that one of them?

Are you trying to say he's behind what's been happening around the place?

Will you know about that?

Like I said, word gets round fast.

I'll tell you something.

You chuck a brick in the air round here and you'll be outpressed not to hit

someone that doesn't like the Grange and all it stands for.

Used to be a good little farm.

Employed a lot of men.

Now, full of overweight businessmen with more money than sense.

No offence.

That's all right. Thanks for the local history lesson.

What about you, Carl?

How do you feel about the Grange?

Don't feel one way or the other.

Might as well ask how I feel about the wind.

What does that mean?

Wind comes, wind goes.

It's the same with places like the green.

Got a minute?

Oh, come on in, Ken.

Paperwork.

Who needs it, eh?

Yeah, yearly audit coming up is a nightmare.

What can I do for you? Well, I want to know a bit more about this John T

character.

Oh, Mr Parrish.

Can I get you a drink?

You cannot, laddie. Have you any idea what that stuff is doing to your liver

even as we speak? It's poison, man.

You may as well offer me an arsenic or a cyanide.

Oh, what if they're serious?

Did you find out where this jaunty hangs out?

Admiral Vernon Tavern, in the next village.

Wait till he gets inside.

Then we'll walk in, pretend we're just passing.

Hello?

Our jaunty's not as much a loner as Carl would have us believe.

Our paths keep crossing.

You must be Jonty. We haven't been introduced. I'm Ken, Harry's mate.

Not my fault.

You could have been poachers, anything.

Any public species, obviously.

We can knock it over complete strangers without finding out their business

first. But I'd advise you not to do it again in future.

Least wise, not with me.

Um, this is just a friendly discussion.

We don't want any trouble.

Nobody's looking for any trouble.

We just don't like it when outsiders come round here and tell us our

No, you're welcome, Miss Day.

Have a nice pint.

But don't try throwing your weight about that, Saul.

Because, believe me, you're in the wrong place for it.

Did you enjoy your walk, Father? Oh, I did indeed.

I find there's nothing sharpens the appetite like a good tramp through the

fields. Am I right, Mr Overtel?

It was certainly very pleasant.

Aye, there's a lot to be said for the pre -prandial. Personally, I have always

favoured the post -prandial. It seems to me to make more sense to take exercise

when the muscles have been fed.

Now, I had a friend in Glencoe who went hill -walking on an empty stomach. He

suffered the most terrible cramps. He went to see his doctor, who instructed

to walk only on a full stomach. He never got those cramps again.

However, I see no medical reason why a moderate stroll shouldn't act as an aid.

Aye, Jeff.

Quite a brew, aye?

Ah, well, the fairer sex were ever prone to be squeamish about the mechanics of

nature. Oh, sorry?

The sheep's heads have adversely affected Miss Temperton. She's packed

valise and is about to depart.

Personally, I find a memento mori is no bad thing.

But oddly appropriate in the dining room, is it? You can expel nature with a

pitchfork, Crawford. It will always retomp.

Even this young laddie was no doubt recently.

A -swimming in some sun -shined brook.

Harry's a sea fish.

Harry.

You all right?

As a matter of fact, I'm bloody angry.

Miss Temperton's just checked up five days early, so I felt obliged to offer

a discount on her existing bill.

I can't go on, Harry.

I can play dirty myself if I need to.

Poor Richard, eh? His business isn't doing too well, eh?

Well, are you surprised?

Oh, it's just gone too far now, Ken.

Threats with menaces.

Oh, you've got to do something.

Do you notice the writing on those sheep's heads?

Blood. Not blood, Harry.

Paint. Red paint.

Oh.

It's the same colour.

Hi.

Quick.

That's John T. Vanden, eh?

Well, it's the one he was unloading crates from yesterday.

Let him have a potato, surely.

They don't have to feed an army round at Cox's.

Not so often that place crops up, Harry.

Let's get over there.

You looking for another punch -up?

We'll go tonight, eh?

Oh, I wonder what Mrs Middleton's rustled up today.

I'm absolutely bloody star of it.

Sorry, Harry. Look, you're out of luck, will you?

We've had a flood in the kitchen and all the electrics don't work and we can't

use anything until it's all checked, OK?

Oh, no.

Don't despair, because I've arranged for the local pub to lay on some food. It

won't be a patch on Mrs M, of course, but... Oh, by the way, tonight's dinner

going to be down there as well.

And that will be cooked by Mrs M.

This flooding, was it an accident?

What do you think?

How many more times?

I told you, smoking's bad for you. I'm sorry, Mr Henderson, I know I shouldn't.

I know I shouldn't. How goes the great audit?

Well, I've been meaning to have a word with you. Some of these returns seem

incomplete, to say the least.

Those are the figures for the last quarter. Don't worry about them.

I have to show these to my accountant. Someone's made a terrible mess there.

Leave them with me, and I'll sort them out.

How's everything else?

Fine. Good.

Look, tonight, um...

When you've finished cooking the meals at the ball, why not take the evening

off?

You know, things are going to be quite quiet here, and I can look after the

place for an evening.

That would be most welcome. My niece is in her school play, and I'd love to see

her. Good. Well, off you pop before I change my mind.

enjoy your evening thank you

Look it up in your old bird book.

Keep your voice down.

Moonshine. It'll be the first time I've donated bottles of the good stuff to the

police voluntarily, Kent.

I don't mind saying it.

Crawford, what the hell are you doing here?

Moonshine.

I'm Mr.

Copeland, a senior officer of Her Majesty's Customs and Excise.

This is my colleague, Mr. Partridge.

Would you mind explaining what you were doing here? What you have in your hands?

Now, look, just a minute. Blundering halfwits.

They've put the whole operation in jeopardy.

Headlight. Coming down the hill, sir. Heading this way.

Lights out.

And you two, keep your traps tight shut.

We're officers of Her Majesty's Customs and Excise.

We are arresting you in suspicion that you are operating an unlicensed still.

I must caution you that you do not have to say anything unless you wish to do

so. For what you say may be taken down and given in evidence. Do you

825. Checking.

I seize this still of the contents of the room in the name of the Crown.

Well, didn't you consider going to the authorities sooner?

Well, there didn't seem to be any point, nothing to go on. I just thought they

were a couple of local lads with a dislike into strangers.

With good reason.

We've been after these two jokers for months now.

They certainly knew how to keep a low profile until you two decided to use

still as a campsite.

Must have given them quite a shock. Yes, we owe you a favour.

It wasn't until he pulled the shotgun stunt you had an inkling of who was

nervous in the area. Well, how did you get on to it, then?

Well, let's call it divine inspiration.

So what are they looking at?

Prison? That's not our problem.

We just nick them.

The rest is left up to the 12 good men and true.

Well, I can't help feeling it's all a bit harsh.

How's that, Mr Crawford?

Well, when you come down to it, it's just a couple of lads making a bit on

side.

Can only be a few bob lost to the revenue.

Can it really do any harm?

Mr Crawford, do you have any children?

As a matter of fact, now.

Well, I have.

And sometime when you've got some free time, I'd like to take you to one of the

local hospitals around here and show you how harmless this stuff really is.

Show you a couple of 13 -year -olds we've had in.

Vomiting, convulsions, hallucinations.

A 15 -year -old we had in last year who was lucky not to lose his sight.

You don't just wake up with a hangover on this stuff.

No.

Sometimes you don't wake up at all.

So we'll take these off your hands.

We'll be back in the morning for a statement.

Very peaceful, the country.

Certainly is.

Very tranquil.

Very.

Why don't you go in and watch a bit of telly?

No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Unless you want to watch it.

No, no thanks.

No, me neither.

Of course you can have it too peaceful.

It can be as bad as no peace at all.

That's very true, Ken. That is very true.

Hey.

I thought Richard said the dining room was closed tonight.

He did? Why?

Well, it's just that there's a light on it.

Bloody hell, Ken. Come on. Come on.

What's the matter? There's a fire. Up there.

Find a phone.

Check. Tell them we're going in. Check.

I'll see you back there.

You better try and find Richard.

Multiple seating, isn't it?

Arson. No doubt about it.

Will you do a thing like this?

I mean, a few pranks is one thing, but, I mean, this is evil.

Forget about your pranks, Harry.

Jonty and Carl are in the neck.

The fox, the sheep's heads, the flooding, they're all red herrings.

What are you saying? The fire alarm was switched off.

Someone disabled the sprinklers.

Whoever did this has got a lot of keys, put it that way.

Richard.

Hey, Richard.

I'll kill him.

I'll kill him.

It was the only way out.

I was being ducked under, limb by limb.

It all got out of hand.

And the insurance seemed the only way out.

So I arranged for a little incident.

I'd say it, man.

Everybody has troubles without resorting to this.

What if somebody had got hurt?

You know, I made sure that no -one was going to be around. That's why... That's

why dinner was cancelled.

That's why I sent Nora home. I made sure that, you know, all the gaps were going

to be away.

You make me sick to the bit of my stomach.

You believe me, don't you, Ken?

Look, I hung around until the very last minute to make sure that no -one was

going to be hurt.

What about the firemen?

Firemen? What about the poor sods who would eventually have to put this little

lot out, eh?

Probably risk their lives to save your miserable bacon.

What are you talking about? When me and Harry were in the brigade, we had a

mate. A very good mate, and he died in a fire.

That was an insurance job.

It's all a bloody mess.

Come on, sit down.

What is it, Ken?

Richard was such a lovely little lad, and then he goes into something like

I mean, what is it in people that makes them go wrong?

Your guess is as good as mine, mate.

Did I do enough? Could I have helped him more?

Richard?

The people.

They can be very foolish. One thing leads to another.

You reckon? Yeah.

The Palmers, Carl, Jonty, Richard.

You can't feel responsible.

The best you could have done was to try and stop them before they got to the

desperate stage.

If only he told me.

But he didn't, did he, Harry?

I'm sure he would have helped if he did. Now, come on. I suppose you're right.

We'd better get back to the shop.

Are you tearing up your resignation?

I suppose I'm stuck with you, Crawford.

How's the leg?

Well, the tingle's gone, but I've got this ache just above the knee.

Really? Yeah.

But the funny thing is, Ken, it's on the other leg.

It's like a sprain, but it's not a sharp.

Do you know what you need, Harry?

What? A holiday.

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