Original subtitles

Sometimes I sit here feeling alone.

No one to talk to. I got no telephone.

King's Night.

Make somebody a lovely wife, Ken.

Oh, oh, if looks, good girl.

Yes. Well, it's your own fault for cooping yourself up in the office till

hours.

You can't spend your life waiting for your fairy godmother, you know.

Is that your expert opinion, is it?

Oh, now you're getting bitter.

Because you could have come along tonight.

I'm hardly likely to meet the woman of my dreams at a Rotary Club dinner, now

I, Harry? Well, you never know.

It's a top night's do, you know.

Oh, not just any old rubbish.

They're letting you in.

Sometimes, Ken, it's the ugly sisters that have all the fun.

Pawn to be five.

Pawn.

Eight.

Oh, that...

Mr. Mellenbaugh's in Grand Moria.

I had a car trouble.

With the Bentley?

Yeah, and that's not all.

Last week, Harry, someone swapped the petrol in my tank for diesel.

Oh, I've done that myself. The week before, someone rigged the alarm system

my car, so when I put the key in the door, I got an electric shock, didn't I?

And when Guy borrowed it, the driving seat collapsed for his back end.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Thank you.

It's not just personal. It's my business, then. I have to lust Thursday.

At the Chamber of Commerce luncheon, someone, pretending to be my secretary,

phoned up and cancelled the caterers.

You ever seen the Chamber of Commerce when they're hungry?

Get ugly, dude. I... Wait, let's face it.

I have made enemies.

You know what it's like, Harry. Business is business.

I've got a very big restaurant deal in the office.

Buying into a place in Derby.

And what I want...

King's Bishop to C5.

I need eyes in the back of my head, Harry.

Be my eyes.

We'll have to check our booking.

There is an empty seat in the Star Chamber.

A first -class security man is what we are looking for.

Oh, I'm sure I can do a bit of manoeuvring.

You're the only man I can trust.

What if my associate Guy, out for the count for a couple of days, even thought

bodyguard might be a good idea?

A bodyguard?

I'm jumpy, Harry.

But you're the only bloke I'd tell that to.

I think I've got just the man for you.

You are a gentleman.

Thank you.

Well,

Cinderella. Looks like your fairy godmother's let you down.

Can I top you up, Bill? No, thanks.

Joe.

Charles.

So, you're in with Crawford.

In with, um, in with Crawford.

Yes, he's approached me about securing a three -way partnership.

A three -way?

Oh, I like the sound of that.

I've never done business with Crawford, but his reputation precedes him.

What reputation is that, then?

Honestly, Joe, Crawford is a straight man. He's a rare species.

Three ways, yes, I think you can come in on that.

Snap decision, Charles?

A business decision, Joe.

Well, here's to you, to me, and to Harry Crawford.

It's a good move, Ken.

You could put a lot of quality contracts in. Oh, why, dear.

No, Harry. If you want to join their star chamber gang, you babysit him. It's

dog -eat -dog world, Ken.

Surely it's better to be in the kennel with the pedigrees than out in the pound

with the mongrels.

Yeah. You're beginning to sound like him. Actually, mongrels are more

intelligent.

Their blood isn't clogged up with inbreeding and genetic mutation.

Look, if you're going to be awkward about bodyguarding Mr Green, then you'd

better swap with Alex, the supervisor security for the big boy strip show down

at the Rock City.

Why don't I look after Mr Green?

I am supposed to be a junior partner, you know. Why should she get all the

responsible jobs?

Who's she, the cat's mother?

Look, Ken, if you distrust Mr Green so much, surely it's better to be right by

his thigh, watching his every footstep.

I said you'll be there at ten.

Mrs. Green?

Yes? I'm Ken Boone, your husband. He's expecting me.

Oh, right.

Sorry. Come in.

I'm half asleep here.

Joe's nearly ready.

Coffee? Yeah, thank you. So you're the chap who's buying the restaurant, then?

No.

No, I work for a security firm.

Apparently your husband needs a bodyguard.

Here I am.

Didn't you know about it?

Oh, he never tells me anything. I'm only his wife.

Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Oh, maybe he doesn't want to worry you.

More like he doesn't trust me.

I think he's getting paranoid.

Or accident -prone.

No thanks, though.

So is it interesting, then, bodyguarding?

No.

That's brief and to the point.

Well, I usually do detective work.

Private eye, eh?

Well, that's got to be interesting.

Depends on the case.

Are you Crawford's boy?

Yeah, that's right.

You collect my tux and the cleaners, Sheila.

And I think my shoes are ready. And if that bloke calls about the jacuzzi...

Tell him I've got a cheaper estimate and refer him to me.

What are you doing?

I just made him a cup of coffee while he was waiting.

I'm not paying you to drink my house dry. Shift yourself.

If you want to get in touch, I'm on the mobile.

You, what's your name?

Boone. Ken Boone. Ken.

Out.

Thanks for the coffee.

Next time I'll sneak you a biscuit.

Come on, Keith.

I want to check with Harry the Twin Town do before we go through to Derby.

You drive.

Ground rules.

You don't prang my vehicle, you don't sweat into my upholstery, and when I

want you around, you stay with the vehicle until summoned.

Frankly, you are a scruff.

I expect better.

My employees look smart, think smart, so tomorrow you turn up in a suit. Get me?

Yeah, yeah, I'll get you.

You see, I want you as a present.

Not an intrusion. You're here to watch my back, so that is where you stand.

Behind me.

Yeah, right.

How about sticking a fur on the end of that?

How about sticking it out of your own soul?

The caterers are on their way. One of my lads is going over the electrics, and

another one is checking for incendiary devices.

The entertainment's booked, and nobody's part to cancel anything, so it's all

running very smoothly.

That's very impressive, Harry, very impressive.

Our peace of mind is all part of our service.

No worries.

Hands out of your pockets, Kevin. You're guarding, not loafing.

Right.

Time to move. See you back at my place.

Kevin.

Harry, I'm not playing. Have you seen anybody suspicious?

Yes, I am. Him.

Karen! Come on, make the order.

My name is Ken.

His name is Ken Boone, and he's a private detective.

What?

If he starts digging, Karen, he won't.

Too much to hide. Who?

Joe or us?

Joe won't want anything to mess up his restaurant here. Neither do we.

I think we've choked ourselves on our own smoke screen here.

We don't know that.

Good morning, Charles.

Good morning, Joe.

Well, I'm impressed so far.

This is Colin. He's representing Harry Crawford.

Impressed, eh? Good.

So let's take a good look around, shall we? We don't want to think we've got a

silk purse and find we've got a towel here, do we?

I'm sure I can find out exactly what he's up to.

You like to take too many risks.

All that messing about with his car, swapping the bloody petrol, and giving

shots.

You're panicking.

Why don't you just have fun?

Fun?

You're playing with matches, and I don't want to be the one you burn.

I'd like to work with our Mr Verdi.

Ask him a few questions.

It's not very necessary, Joe. I think it's better to view without the band.

We're afraid to look around, no one to hide any faults.

Good point.

Right, let's go through the surveyor's report, and if it checks out, we'll put

in our joint bid.

Cash in hand, as agreed.

I think business should be kept between businessmen, don't you?

Leave Mr Taxman to his returns.

Open the door for Mr. Hastings.

Right, yes.

Well, thank you, Colin. I trust we'll be seeing Crawford this evening.

Oh, sure.

He's very anxious to get this thing rolling.

Aren't we all?

Coffee? Yes, please, yeah.

Oh, there you are, Ken.

Now, what's up between you and the mighty Joe Green and that Hastings

Charles Hastings?

I took them to that restaurant.

And I heard Hastings say how glad he was to Green that you were in on it.

In?

You said I'm in?

Yeah. You never mentioned to me you were thinking of buying into a restaurant.

What are you playing at? Hey, no.

It's my seat in the star chamber.

Hastings is quasar for our area.

Quasar? Chairman!

He has to cast him out.

Oh, in Starchive, I can.

Sure you're not just in the poop, Barry?

Joe will be through in a minute.

He couldn't find his dickie.

Oh.

It's very simple. Yeah.

Stamp to distract.

Stamp. Elbow to off balance. Right.

Twist and topple over.

OK.

Wow, Ken.

I'm off now.

Any problem with big boys, you know where to reach us, don't you?

Oh, I think Rocky and I can handle the big boys, Ken.

Speak for yourself.

I'll see you.

OK, so what's the sequence?

Stamp to distract.

Elbow to off balance.

Twist the topple over. Yeah. OK?

Yeah. Right, reach for me.

Right.

Of

course,

the other rule I teach my ladies is kick him in the ghoulies and run like bloody

hell. Need a hand up?

No.

I know why Ken says women are dangerous.

He just hasn't met the right one yet.

Need any help?

How long's it going to take?

Well, my physio, the lovely Judith, brings a few more days of intensive

activity. She'll sort me out.

She's worked wonders with your coccyx, has she?

Oh, yes.

I was in Derby today with Joe, and your name cropped up.

Really? Yes, and I can tell you now that my answer's yes.

There are too few of us honest men around these days, Harry.

I think it only wise that we stick together.

Agreed? Yeah, yeah, yes. That's what I like with the enjoyment.

Sir Harry, I believe you are sitting by me. Shall we take our seats?

I'll see you later, Charles.

It would have helped had the instructions been in English.

I don't speak Japanese.

There you are. That'll hold for a couple of days.

Yeah. I'll get it replaced when I get home.

My name's Karen, by the way.

Oh, I'm Ken Boone.

Thanks, Ken.

Well, you know, help a fellow biker.

A night of the road.

Is that Pispin's flat?

Or have you two picked a cup for your gudgeon pin?

I'm not sure. I was going to have a look at it at the weekend.

So you don't just ride that for show, eh?

My dad wouldn't let me ride it until I'd learned the basics.

But you skipped on LMH Japanese, eh?

Afraid so.

So, do I get to look at your gudgeon pin or what?

Why, yes.

And now?

So what do you do when you're not saving bikers in distress?

I've just had confirmation.

My restaurant deal is going through. The sabotage effort's foiled.

That's good news all round, then. Oh, yeah.

So, you can consider yourself off duty and enjoy.

It's a great pity Clint isn't here to share in Phoebus's triumph, isn't it?

Who? Oh, Ken.

Oh, he said he'd be here in time for the recital.

It's not in bad shape.

Rather like the south.

You're going to get a ticket.

You keep going at that speed.

Are you detecting tonight or just modelling evening seats?

I'm going to be late.

I see. You can't tell me. Hush, hush, though.

It's a twin -town dinner.

Oh, well.

See you again sometime.

Who knows?

I'll look you up in the yellow pages.

So, I'm very glad that our German friends, or should I say Freunden,

have enjoyed this evening. Let us hope that the continued goodwill between our

two communities means we may enjoy many future occasions such as this.

But, mein Damon und Helen, the evening is not, as they say, Caput!

To send us all home with a song in our hearts, we have our local musical

ensemble, the Lincoln Green Trio, with a selection of melodies from that well

-known German Mozart.

On his right, just let him fall.

Oh, right.

Can you take his shoes?

Oh, no, second thought. That's the whiffy end. You're losing your time.

Married bliss.

I'm not kidding.

He thinks a wife's just another bloody household gadget.

Get a service every 20 ,000 miles, then trade.

I've got supper ready. Will you stay?

Um, well, I don't think so, no. I've got to get back. Early start.

I'd appreciate your company.

Well, I don't know. Don't let me twist your arm, will you?

Is this a game you play?

I don't understand what's going on.

Well... I've made a bit of a pig of myself. I should pass the suspension on

bike.

Nicely, you don't have to open the package yourself.

Yeah, I'll get it out of the tin.

Isn't there a Mrs Boone?

Does he often come home in that state?

No.

Sometimes he doesn't bother to come home at all.

You haven't answered my question.

No. Is that the answer?

No. God, we're a right pair of lost cordiers, aren't we?

I'd better go.

It's late.

Maybe too late.

I followed your instructions to the letter.

I was told to expect musicians, and musicians turned up.

I don't feel that CBS can be held responsible.

I'll agree with that.

Is there any limit on the number of these you can take?

I'm sure that any service in the future... The only reason you've got a

is because my restaurant deal went through before this fiasco.

And since you're so anxious to redeem your reputation, there is a very big

favour you can do for me.

I wasn't ready.

OK, start again.

He's not asking you to babysit him.

It's your services as a detective he wants.

Get on to it, find out who it was who botched up the Twin Town Entertainment.

And while I'm doing that, what's he got you doing?

I mean, how low are you going to stoop, Harry, to get into this Star Chamber

lock, eh? Lick his boots.

Or will he settle for just a little light groveling? I'm taking some

to the Isle of Man for him. You what?

Some important papers for one of his associates over there.

I volunteered my services. I've got our reputation to salvage. I see. You

volunteer for the free holiday, eh? Leave us to do the donkey work.

You cheated.

Yes. I'm using my muscles.

It was childish.

Do you nag him like that?

You haven't thought it through, have you?

Have you?

Don't worry about Ken Boone. You said he's no threat.

But you made him a threat last night, Karen.

Oh, he's going to find out who switched the band.

He doesn't know who I am, doesn't he?

Do you think he's forgotten about your little flat tyre charade?

He's seen you. He's seen the bike.

You're giving him the jigsaw pieces, Karen.

And we move while he's putting them together.

What?

Joe's given the money to Harry.

Harry thinks he's having a holiday in the Isle of Man.

Ken's busy investigating.

Who's watching the money?

No one.

Queen takes knight at d5.

Exactly. Crawford being security?

Yeah, I understand you've got a policy of... Yeah, all right, love. OK, well,

thanks anyway.

No, look.

No, I didn't get her name, but they did play.

She paid in cash.

Ah, it's a woman, then.

Elementary, my dear Rocky.

So, what now?

Quick game of find the lady?

No need.

I think I know exactly where she is.

All right, Agent X.

That's synchronised watches.

For God's sake, be serious.

Trust him with it, then.

What the eye doesn't see.

No, he's just waiting there.

I'm going to have to think of a plan.

Ken! I'm sorry, I was in the shower. Come in.

Sorry to disturb you. I just don't like it.

I found out today that a woman changed the booking for the band last night.

And that narrows your suspects, does it?

I thought you might tell me.

What do you want me to say, Ken?

Stick a pin in the yellow pages and you'll find someone he's diddled,

he's crossed, someone with a real reason to get back at him.

Someone with something personal against him.

Someone maybe like his wife.

Come, get that bug.

Oh, bloody dying.

How's it feel?

You make a better nurse than you do a detective.

Look, I'm sorry I shot you down just now.

It's not beyond the bounds of possibilities that I'd have a go at him.

I have another theory, if it's not you.

Maybe he has, um... He hasn't got a mistress.

What, after what you told me the other night?

Him not coming in sometimes?

You're wrong.

Now, don't look at me like that. I'd know.

Now, my husband is the marrying kind.

In hot weather, it turns my fingers green.

I

didn't

come here for this.

With this ring.

If I was looking for anything, Sheila...

It'll be plain and simple.

It's never that, Ken.

Joe?

It's Harry.

Harry Crawford.

Yes, Harry, this isn't early.

Say that again.

It's still what?

Speak to me, Harry.

You're telling me they stole the briefcase?

Only the briefcase.

Where are you, Harry?

Stay there.

It seems our mule has got a kick.

His business is his mistress.

Nobody else will put up with him.

Well, I'm sorry I mentioned it. Why?

Let's eliminate the possibilities.

Yeah. Look, I must get back.

He's got me locked up in this house, you know.

I feel like Rapunzel up in the tower.

Sheila, I must go.

Before we do something we'd enjoy.

Or regret.

Your husband coming back? He won't be back for hours.

Well, yeah, plenty of time to escape then. I'd still respect you in the

I don't think you'd respect you in the morning.

I don't know who I've embarrassed more, me or you.

I'm sorry, Kim.

I'm not.

Why didn't you use your own bike?

Because I had a flat again.

Don't worry.

I changed the plate on it, swapped it for a fake.

Only problem is, you didn't give me enough time to swap it back again.

And as soon as he sees that, he's going to know that something's gone on here.

Well, how was I supposed to know?

I completely humiliated myself in front of him.

You looked it.

Was it tongues?

Or just teeth and spit.

What?

I wasn't the one trying to pick him up at the roadside.

Oh, you don't have to.

He makes house calls for you.

And whose fault is that?

Hmm?

What's at stake here?

You're more worried about who gets Ken than who gets Joe.

Oh, I think you've staked your claim, Miss Liposuction.

Hey, am I glad to see you.

It's called organisation, Rocky, a concept which is completely alien to

which is why I have been made supervisor.

I don't know why you don't leave and join the army.

You could become a dictator.

What are you scared of?

What do you think, Ken?

Ken?

Hmm? Oh, dear. What's her name?

What money are you talking about? The money you agreed to courier to my

account, Harry.

Courier? Money? You mean it... Now, that's illegal.

This is why you thought I couldn't go to the police, isn't it?

But I didn't even know it was money, Joe.

I was mugged.

By a motorcyclist.

Don't you think it's a bit rich?

I send you off with my £100 ,000 and you get done over by the last of the

highway robbers, eh?

And strangely enough, he's on a motorbike.

Your best friend is a bit of a hell's angel, isn't he?

Look, I've got the number. I've got the number.

It's YXJ472V.

No, no, it was YXJ427V.

I don't know where you got the idea you could put one over on me, but you can't.

Has Keith got the money?

Keith who? Boom!

Has he got the money?

No.

No.

Rag -Eye, strip the joke.

I don't believe it.

You're a revelation, Harry.

Could use a man like you.

Think you already have, haven't you? No, seriously.

If we can come to some arrangement about my money, I think we could still do

business. Didn't know you had it in you.

Quite a shock.

He's not at home.

Now there's the money.

I took the place apart.

All I had to find was a couple of fibres and some loose change.

I think he'll lie low for a while.

OK, take me home.

company.

I don't like surprises, Joe.

They're never what we want.

You tell me about it.

It's quite a surprise, you finding out so soon.

My solicitor did.

He received the ownership papers today. Drew my attention to the fact that your

name was not on them.

Oh, shock, horror, probe.

Sheila, coffee?

You know full well that I wouldn't have bought a restaurant if you hadn't been

involved. I thought you were letting me in on a good deal.

I'm not your mother, Charles.

I thought you were a businessman.

You can't get away with this.

I haven't got away with anything, Charles.

Harry Crawford has ripped us all off. You, me, Mr Verdi.

Crawford's got the money.

Ken!

Oh!

Come for that.

I'm in big trouble, Ken.

Somebody stole the money.

No, no, no, it wasn't documents.

No. No, he thinks I've double -crossed him.

Oh, God, they're after me.

They'll be on their way there any time.

No, I can't go to the police, Ken.

Because I was taking money to an illegal offshore bank account.

Ken, I'm a criminal.

I don't believe this, mate.

Where are you now?

Yeah, I can send Rocky.

All right, all right, I'm writing it down.

YXJ427B.

Yes, I've got it.

Where are you?

Harry.

Harry?

Crawford!

Can I help you, Mr. Hastings?

You can help your partner by giving me my money back.

Money? The £100 ,000 that he and Joe Green have weedled out of me for this

-in -a -poke restaurant.

Eh? You were there, Colin, representing Mr Crawford. And now I find that the

place is going cheap because it's built over a mine.

And I'm sole owner, rather than a three -man partnership.

I'd never have believed this of Harry Crawford. I'll have him drummed out of

Rotary Club.

Security company.

The man is a fraud and a scoundrel.

He could ruin Harry.

But what's Mr Verdi going to do when he finds out Joe Green's got all his money?

I mean, if Mr Verdi's the one selling the restaurant, surely it belongs to

Yeah, it strikes me Green's set everybody up. Verdi wants to sell his

so Joe finds him a buyer. Joe makes it look like Harry's nicked all the money

and keeps it for himself.

Of course, the Isle of Man.

Joe will have an offshore account.

Clever.

And if he set up the biker, he's probably already got the money salted

somewhere, never to be seen again.

Especially not by the taxman.

Yeah, when he finds Harry, he makes jigsaw pieces of him for the benefit of

Mr Verdi. I think we should pay this Mr Verdi a visit.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

Joe Green never had any intention of buying the restaurant.

Very clever. I think Mr Aitken has told us that one. No, no, you don't

understand. He already owns it.

Hey. Verdi.

It's Italian for green.

Rocky, can you check out whose cup plate YXJ427V?

How do you know that? Look.

Sheila. What do you mean?

That's the only place I left the bike.

Rocky, I'm going to have to use yours.

Pay a certain Mrs. Green a visit before I track down our Mr. Verdi.

What's my next move, Kent? You stay here.

In case Harry the fugitive finds another 10p.

Don't look at me.

I'm on duty with the big boys.

Enjoy the responsibility.

Very authentic, that, isn't it, Guy?

Oh, yes.

Only the trained observer would see that, isn't there?

It's a really stupid move, using the bike.

Where's he hiding?

Crawford Boone, security.

Deceased.

What's that? Oh, you cheeky little... Stop!

Oh, my back!

What?

Hello,

Harry.

Harry?

Are you all right?

We've got to stop now.

Ken's probably already seen the plate.

The balloon's going up whether you want it or not.

Hastings is breathing fire. And Joe is dragging Crawford in.

It's out of control, Karen.

More pieces to play with, that's all.

I'm sure you haven't misplayed one.

Can anyone play?

You give the motorbike number?

No, actually... Mr. Arthur told you to bring the bike.

Now, did he explain about the contract?

What contract?

Follow me.

Joe's father came over before the war.

Settled over.

Joe was Giuseppe Verdi when I met him.

We had what they called a whirlwind romance.

We got married.

Mr and Mrs Verdi.

All legal, decent, honest and truthful.

He met me about two years later.

Only then he had a set -up going in Nottingham and was calling himself Joe

Green.

We got married on a beach in the Seychelles five years ago.

Mr and Mrs Green.

All illegal, indecent, dishonest and untruthful.

It would have been fine.

Had I not got curious and found out about Sheila.

He can't be married to both of you.

He can.

Let's call Bigamy.

Darling. Home so soon?

Would you like a drink?

How about a Molotov cocktail?

You always like to start the evening off with a bang.

Make that a double.

You like doubles, don't you?

Happy families.

You remember that game where you have a couple of wives up your sleeve?

Dinner's almost ready.

Guess what's on the menu tonight, darling?

That's right, Hanson.

You are.

Well, if it isn't the three wise men.

Dopey, Sleepy and Harry.

I said you wouldn't get away with this, Green.

You're not still bleating about it, are you, Hastings?

You were greedy for it, like we say.

Caveat emptor.

Let the buyer beware.

But what if the buyer is also the seller, Mr Green?

Or should we call you Mr. Verdi?

I read that terrible building survey showing that his precious restaurant is

built over an old mine.

A very creaky old mine.

I bet Mr. Verdi thought he'd never seen it.

I remember the day you got the report, Mr. Verdi.

I can't remember your exact words, hubby darling, but I don't think there were

any with more than four letters.

It wasn't Harry who stole the money, Jo.

You have no idea how much it hurts to find out that your husband has another

wife. We knew how much it would hurt you to lose money.

The building survey was a fix, Jo.

We fixed it.

There's nothing wrong with your restaurant.

Mr Hastings hasn't bought a white elephant.

He's got a bargain.

I wonder what the penalty is these days for bigamy.

Oh, I think you're still two mothers -in -law.

You've got quite an organisation, Harry. I'm impressed.

Leadership, coordination, Charles.

Well, we could use a man like you in our star chamber.

There's an empty seat there, you know.

How about putting your name on it?

Well, then.

Is three your lucky number?

I think I'd better go.

Ken. I don't think we've got any more to say to each other.

Game over.

We had to do something to get back at him.

You could have shocked him to the police. We wanted revenge, not justice.

Oh, my God, Ken, I thought you'd understand.

He married me when he was married to someone else. It's worse than a

She's not some silly bitch he's going to dump when he gets bored.

Thanks.

I haven't lied to you.

Oh, Ken. Come on. I wanted to keep you out of it.

I wanted to keep one person from getting dirty.

I did it for the best reasons.

I think I'm going to cry.

You seemed like my last chance.

Did I?

There's nothing to stop us trying, Ken.

I'm a free agent.

And so am I.

Just thinking of her, that brief romance.

He could have loved her,

given half the chance.

But she broke the heart of the handsome

stranger.

Tore it apart.

That long.

They knew the danger.

She broke the heart of the handsome stranger.

He felt the pain the first time he kissed

her.

But just the same,

he's gonna miss her.

Do me a favor.

Just stay away.