Original subtitles

Bonsai

Mr. Major.

Bill. Bill.

Hat log.

Martin. A human upjoke.

Dear

Gran.

And remember, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is not the business of the

defense to prove anything at all.

It's up to the prosecution to prove, beyond reasonable doubt, the guilt of

Booth in this offense.

I think you'll agree with me that this they have signally failed to do.

Mr. Booth need do nothing in this court.

He's not even obliged to speak.

The defense need only sit back and say, Where's your evidence?

And I cannot think what the prosecution could answer.

But the defense have chosen not to sit back because we have proof.

Proof positive of Mr.

Booth's innocence.

Proof resting not on the fleeting glimpse of a stranger pressured into

identification, but on the word of a man who knows Mr.

Booth well.

and can, therefore, be presumed capable of recognising him.

But what I say, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is not evident.

So I would like now to call my first witness, Mr Martin Mulholland.

Call Martin Mulholland.

No answer.

All right. Better send out the bloodhounds.

I'll have a conflag with our client. All right.

Your Honor, may I request a five -minute recess in which to consult with my

client? Very well, Mr. Newley.

Five minutes.

Court will rise.

Doesn't look good, Mr Booth. Your alibi declining to honour us with his

presence. How could he do this to me? That's by the by at this point in time.

As your legal counsel, I'd advise that you reconsider your plea.

What's going on, Stella?

I think Martin's done a runner.

Left Paul to it.

Left him to what?

To go to prison, Doogie. To go directly to prison. To not pass go. To not

collect two.

Not collect what?

My God.

Spell that. Not collect to what?

£200 ,000, Doogie.

Yes, but it doesn't say security consultants, does it?

What it says is security consultants.

Well, it wasn't an asshole, was it? All 250 of the flaming things.

Oh, Pen, what do you think we're being showered under?

I don't know.

Damaged in transit?

Damn it, what did they do? Had to use a spoon to get it out of the box?

I should hope so.

Oh, no.

You want to count yourself lucky it was only a tarantula?

Think of the cost of a new elephant.

Morning, Ken.

Morning.

What's all this, then?

Your security is our assurity?

Aha. Come on, give it here, give it here.

Hey, up!

I thought the sales driver was last week.

This is Enterprise fortnight, innit?

Ain't shocked yourself, Ken.

Mrs Barrett's booked at nine o 'clock.

Well, who's she, then? Somebody who wants us to find her kitten?

It's only Anne Barrett.

Senior partner of Barrett, Jessop and Wilde.

And she wants us to find a missing witness.

Ooh.

I've not been thinking.

Martin's got a head, don't he?

He has to launder the money, so he must have it with him.

Where do you think he's taking it to? Oh, well, pardon me while I check my

crystal ball.

Do that forward.

Maybe he'll know.

I'm keeping my ever -loving husband out of this.

God, I hope they throw away the key.

Keeps me out of our way.

I've got it.

He's got this woman, some dopey slide, paints toenails for a living.

That's the only place he could have gone.

Where's that?

Nottingham.

Oh, good morning, Mrs Barrett. Please, have a seat.

Please.

To business, Mr Crawford. My favourite subject, Mrs Barrett.

Our London office is currently involved in a robbery trial, which has just been

adjourned because the principal witness for the defence, Martin Mulholland, has

taken French leave.

So how can we help?

We need you to serve him with a witness summons, compelling him to be in court

tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow?

If we can get him to the station by nine in the morning, he can make it to the

court in time.

It is all ifs and maybes. We aren't even sure he's coming to Nottingham.

What, you just duck a pin in the map?

Not quite.

His grandmother lives in the area.

Well, sounds straightforward.

Yes, except we need you to serve and observe.

If we know where he is, we can have him arrested should he fail to answer the

summons.

He does seem a bit reluctant to turn up.

It's hardly surprising.

He and Paul Booth have a long history together and most of it has taken place

courtrooms. Though over the last two years he has rather changed tack, got

own car dealership, good income, comfortable lifestyle.

I think Mr Mulholland has a touch of court fever.

I can't see him giving you too much trouble.

No problem.

Security is our assurity, Mrs. Barrett.

Straightforward stuff.

Good. So, let's defense with preliminaries.

Down here, Mark. It's more private.

No suitcase?

I thought you'd be calling en route to the airport.

Nearly, but not quite.

Don't get ahead of yourself, Edwin. The stamps aren't in your album yet. I can't

be sure, Martin.

It's the way our glass is steaming up.

These are just photographs.

I need to examine the real thing.

You will, when I get to examine the real cash.

Cash? You want cash?

For a Mauritius Blue?

A cape triangle?

Cash.

Use notes. Small denominations.

I'd need at least two days to arrange an amount that large, Martin. At least two

days. Come off it, Edwin.

Some of us, Martin, enter the bank via the front door as opposed to drilling a

hole through the cellar.

I'll be back tonight.

Ten o 'clock.

No cash.

No stamps.

Being on the run has made you impatient, Martin.

Wrong, Edwin.

It's made me rich.

Just a minute.

Oh, can I help you?

Yeah, sorry to bother you, love. My name's Boone, Ken Boone. I was looking

Martin. Martin Mulholland?

You'd better come in.

Thank you.

Martin! Martin!

Oh, my God. Martin, baby, are you okay?

Oh, I love you so much.

You told me for crying out loud. You nearly gave me a heart attack.

I wasn't expecting you until tonight. I know, I know. I wanted to surprise you,

so I took the morning off. I couldn't wait, Martin.

Look, baby, champagne.

I'll get the glasses. Oh, never mind glasses.

I'd rather have a cup.

That's Martin's Uncle Jim.

Lovely red hair he had.

Although he was never the same after he was hit on the head by that famine at

Niagara Falls.

Oh, that's Martin on his first day at the Grammar.

Cost an arm and I like that uniform.

Oh, are you empty? Would you like a refill? In fact, I could brew a fresh

No, no, it's all right. I'll just sit and wait.

You are expecting him? You could die of thirst waiting for him. Comes and goes

as he pleases.

What about a sandwich?

It's almost lunchtime.

No, I've... Some other time, maybe.

Look, it is important that I see Martin.

Do you think he will be in this evening?

Depends if he's got one of his fancy women up at the flat.

That's Martin's brother, Troy.

He let Comet come round more often than him.

Martin's got a flat.

Are you expecting anyone, Martin?

No.

No, I'm not.

Mr. Martin Mulholland.

Come on.

Mr. Mulholland, in connection with the case Regina versus Paul Booth, I have to

serve you with this.

Come on.

Oh, God.

Who was it? The law.

Oh, my God, Martin.

Oh, God, Martin, doesn't it turn you on?

Naomi, give me room to think.

About what?

Keeping out of harm's way for one thing.

Look, we're stuck here in Nottingham until we sort out the stamps with Edwin,

right? Well, can't we just stick them on an envelope and post them to him from

Rio? I mean, do you have to deliver them personally?

Oh, God, Naomi!

Never mind, never mind.

Look, we have to stay for the stamps. Leave it at that. Until then, it's in

best interest to stay well clear of the law. Even a traffic warden, do you

understand me?

Well, I love for a while, you mean.

Yeah. You mean hide.

No, it's just a minor hit. She's got to come out sooner or later.

Great.

That's half the job done.

Now we know where he is.

Well, you just have to sit him out, Ken.

It's a pity Mrs Barrett isn't paying by the hour.

Look, Harry, I'm freezing cold out here and I'm getting well.

It's a waste of time, Stella. The bastard will be in Brazil by now. No,

to launder the money somehow.

He'll have spent it on something.

Spent it. How are we going to get it back?

I'm finding out what he spent it on.

Whatever that might be.

Maybe he bought a car.

A Ferrari.

Or a personal jet. 200 grand would just about cover the petrol. Get real,

Doogie, will you?

An ocean -going yacht.

Called the Sultry Maiden.

A castle at its own law.

Listen, there'll be time enough for daydreams later. Just drive, will you?

What?

Oh, aye, aye, right.

There he goes.

Come on now.

No, we've got to get going.

I don't know which one.

Wear this one, it matches your car. Now move, come on.

I'll have to owe you a penny.

I'll let you off with that. Thank you.

Oh, he's like a rat up a bloody drainpipe.

Oh, you're going to have to do something about him, Martin. I can't keep driving

round. I'm having my hair done at two.

What the hell are you doing? Hold on!

Come on!

Take the next right, go with me, and don't go back to the flat until tonight.

Got me?

I've seen speedier slugs, you prat.

Well, you know what they say.

Slow but steady.

Well, you bluster it all that you're going to get him. You had him!

Harry, he is as slippery as a bar of soap. Then you shouldn't have been so

-hopping about it. You should have used a bit of sub -diffuse and he wouldn't

have seen you, would he, and run away.

I'm not the invisible man, mate.

If I have to serve the bloody thing on him, he's got to see me, hasn't he?

Well, you don't have to give it to him now, because it's been dealt with.

How?

He's just coming now.

Martin.

Hello there.

I do know you, don't I?

Perhaps this'll jog your memory.

Present for you.

Ah, the one thing I like best in my woman is brains and beauty.

That's two things.

You can count.

What else can you do?

Karate.

The summons has been served.

Good. Well, I'm off down to Chippy's, see if I can get served.

You fancy some fishy chips?

Here, hold on.

Laura's in a bit and now it's your turn. To me, my turn.

What about my turn? The job was to serve and observe.

Well, Laura can keep an eye on him.

Ken, there's a time to delegate and there's a time to get off your backside

do the job yourself.

When are you going to get off your bum then, Crawford? Hey, tough than ever.

If you're looking for those nudie magazines you left, I gave them to Mr

at the Whip Club.

I'm looking for the stamps, Gran. I asked you before.

Eh?

Oh, well, they're not in there. That's gas -filled in there, I think. And

swimming so difficult.

Try the blue box on the other side.

Oh, look, it's Ken.

What?

He doesn't want to sit out there. He'll get piles.

Gran, there are three blue boxes in here. Which... Gran!

I want to get you some thermals, Ken.

See for what it's warm.

Sit yourself down. I've got the kettle on.

I'm afraid Martin's eaten most of the cake this morning. But I've some fat

rascals I can holler.

Well,

if it isn't Easy Rider.

I've already played past the paper with the lovely Laura, so why are you here?

I've been asked to keep an eye on you.

And if necessary, offer you a lift to the station in the morning.

I know my rights. I'm a witness. You're not allowed to harass me like this.

But I'm allowed to come to your gran's house, have a cup of tea.

Well, have one for me.

I'm off.

Do you know, I've just remembered.

I've got to be off too.

Ah, forget it.

You might as well give me a lift.

After you, Mr. Marland.

Ladies first.

End of the road, can it?

You can clear off home now.

Bit like being a vampire, really. You can't come in unless I invite you.

Yeah, but you don't have to invite me. Sit out here, do you?

You're seriously going to sit out here and wait for me?

It's my job.

Bloody hell, can I consider a career move if I were you?

Yeah, but you're not me, are you?

That's why I'm in the pavement and you're in the gutter.

Harry, he's gone in the flat and I'm going home. No, you can't.

Rocky isn't back yet.

And I've got a meeting started in ten minutes.

You got a key?

Oh, dookie!

Ah,

I've had a belly full of you for one day. Either you tell us what this is all

about or I shove this down your gutter.

There are some people who don't want to see me at this trial unless they're

looking at me through a rifle sight.

Look, I'll do a deal with you.

You keep me hidden here tonight.

Look after me.

And tomorrow morning you can deliver me to the station gift -wrapped.

Oh, I don't know about this.

I think we ought to call in the police. Get some proper protection.

Oh, yeah, fine. Deliver me in a black bin bag.

I feel really safe, secure and reassured, Mr Crawford.

One night.

Calling the police in will only draw trouble, believe me.

One night.

Harry, forget it. Whatever it is, I'm not doing it. Ken, I'd like a word with

you in private. Come on.

before he's gone.

I'm not sleeping in the office.

You don't have to.

You could put him up at your place.

What?

All right, all right. If you don't want to go as far as intensive care, how

about half an hour's first aid?

How about six months in traction?

Mouth -to -mouth resuscitation?

The Heimlich manoeuvre.

Oh, temptress.

Cup of coffee tempt you?

Only if you're going to swim naked in it.

What's up? Can't you swim?

Look, my body works in good shape. My engine's running.

I'm offering you a Rolls Royce, Laura.

Looks like an old banger to me.

Edgeltyles. Oh, do me a favour.

No, you wanted fairness, Ken, and this is the fairest way. Come on, now,

Edgeltyles. Oh, God.

Hey.

It had to be something small, brand -new, portable.

A Tesco bag full of fibre, the bit conspicuous.

I think I've got it, Stella.

Drugs.

Oh, yeah, Doogie, I'm sure it's a seller's market over there in Rosewater.

Listen, Doogie, if you want to launder money, you do not buy drugs with it. You

buy artwork and diamonds.

Oh.

Oh, I found an earring in the bathroom.

God, Doogie, I wish sometimes you would use your brain as well as you use some

other parts of your anatomy.

No, you don't.

I've run out of sugar.

So you used arsenic?

Belt up.

Great place you got here, Kenneth.

Very, uh, drafty.

Where did you get the furniture?

A fire sale.

You got a bathroom? Or do I have to use the nearest bush?

There's one just through there.

Mind the door.

It sticks.

I do hope you're not expecting me to keep these warm for you.

How soon can you get over here?

I can't believe I could let that slimy bastard get away with this.

He must have what it is on him, he must have.

Oh, Doogie, why not wait some more time?

Receipts.

You never know, Stella. Oh, I mean, I'm sure he would keep the receipt in case

he found a flaw in the diamond.

No, I think he bought a washing machine, a tumble dryer and, look, a new

television and video recorder.

Doogie.

You are a man of genius.

Mrs. Nell Mulholland.

Do you think he married the dopey flag or is that his mother?

I think we should pay her a visit and find out.

Judy!

Think, Gran, think.

Well, I might have put him in a sideboard.

Ah, look at that ration book. Didn't know I still had that.

Oh, yes, here's your letter.

No, no, no, I took them out of the letter. They're not in here.

Well, do you know, I see much better with these old specs than with my new

They... Oh, no.

What?

They were in a little plastic packet, weren't they? Yes.

They're in my dressing gown pocket.

Great. Where is your dressing gown?

In the washer.

You stole my bike. Stole, borrowed. It's a technicality. Look, I owe you one,

all right? No, it's not all right. You run me a relay race round Nottingham.

give me a thumping. I thought... Give it a rest, Kenneth.

You lie to me, you steal my bike.

If the wind changes, your face will stay like that, Martin.

It doesn't make you my most favourite person.

Join the club.

You're trouble, son.

And you know what they say about troubles?

They always come in threes.

I think I'm going to have to start charging for refreshments.

and run out of coffee?

I think I'm made of piggy banks.

A hundred grand you took on that bank job, Martin, and it isn't in your piggy

bank. Speak now, or the breeze will be blowing through more than your hair.

Did you think with Paul locked up it would be easy? Don't you know that crime

doesn't pay?

Where is it?

I think you'd better tell her, Martin. There speaks the voice of reason.

Can't spend it when you're dead, mate.

The longer I stay quiet, the longer we stay alive.

Martin, you know me. I'm not a killer. I just want my money.

What about Neanderthal man there?

He does what he's told.

You tell me where the money is, and I'll tell him to drop you off somewhere.

Yeah, like the nearest cliff.

I want my money. Just my money.

Listen. You're not even worth burying. I wouldn't want Doogie to put his back

out digging the hole.

You helped me to put my husband away, so let's just say I owe you one.

So yeah, is it? All right.

Head out to the forest.

I hid it at the old Sintry farm.

I didn't hurt, did I?

All right, Doogie.

Tell me, what's the going rate these days for prawn?

Oh, we're not prawn.

Going to somebody tell me where we're going?

Just keep driving till you hit freeze.

I always do that.

Be good.

You realise you almost got us killed?

No almost about it. The money isn't here.

Are you mental or what?

What are you playing at? Shut up, I know what I'm doing. Yeah, trying to get us

killed. What are we going to do, Ken? We're going to escape using my brain and

the toolbox that is fitted under the dash.

I deal in cars.

I have superior knowledge.

All you've got to do is lean forward.

Hang on a minute.

Yeah. What's that?

It's a toolbox, I told you.

It looks like a picnic tray.

Just lift it up the thing and there you are. There's your toolbox.

Oh, yeah.

That'll do it.

Good.

Look there.

Yeah, I'm almost there. Hold on.

Go on, mate. Come on. Come on.

Out the door.

Come on. Let's go.

Don't tug.

Right.

That is it.

There's nothing here but wild goose.

Rocky! I'm starving.

Me too.

Oh, well.

At least Bonnie and Clyde won't find us out here.

Rocky, a St Bernard with radar and a road map wouldn't find us out here.

You're not a man who's happy in his work, are you, Kenny?

In the last 24 hours, I've been lied to, given the runaround, held at gunpoint.

spent the night in a ditch with a bank robber and a bloke who snores like a

drain.

I think it is safe to say I'm not getting job satisfaction here.

It's all right.

I just got out the wrong side of the ditch this morning.

Are you sure he didn't call?

He didn't.

Harry... Oh, kill him if he's made a pig's ear of this job.

Harry, I'm worried. What if he's in trouble?

Oh, he'll be in trouble, all right, if he doesn't bring this witness in on

Look, I'm serious.

It's not like him not to leave word. Oh, he's probably just overslept or

something. All right, then, Laura, go round and see what's going on.

Where's Rocky got to?

I saw a programme on telly once about eating nettles.

Yeah. Out in St Britain's used to eat them all the time. Rocky.

Prickly.

You can glare.

At least he's being constructive.

Moping around with a face like a wet Wednesday's getting his knower.

Oh, yeah. I forgot you've got a train to catch.

I ate dirt once when I was a kid.

Wanted to know what it tasted like.

What's it taste like?

Gritty. Bit smelly, too.

Tastes a bit like snail slime.

Have you tried snail slime? Yeah, I'll tell you. Wasps don't taste anything

humbugs.

Getting nowhere fast, I told you.

Yeah, well, you're the thief. You pick it. The only thing I've ever picked is

nose. Besides, cuffs are a pickpruck.

Oh, well, we need to break the little chainy bits in the middle. Oh, well

that man.

What do you suggest, Professor?

I don't think I brought my cutting gear. No, no, I mean the rock or something.

You know, be a bit more resourceful.

No. Well, we've got to get the cuffs off. No, all the time we're tied to him,

know exactly where he is. Oh, and where exactly am I going to go, Einstein? Up a

tree? I wouldn't put it past you. Come on.

Have you ever slept with a librarian?

Librarian? Lots of imagination, librarians.

I am not panicking, Laura.

But Mrs. Barrett's going to be panicking at 9 o 'clock when nobody turns up.

Look, get over to the flat and see if they're there. I'll go round to Mrs. Van

Hollen's.

I am not panicking!

You'd pass up £80 ,000.

It's blood money.

God, you've got a hundred -watt bulb in that halo, haven't you? Doesn't it make

your neck ache?

You make my neck ache.

My legs are aching. And I've got a pebble in my boot.

Eighty grand, cash in hand, tax -free. I can get you both a cheap flight to

Brazil. No more sitting in the cold, Kenneth.

Yeah, I've had to do a lot of sunbathing in prison, eh, Ken?

Yeah, you've got a lovely pasty white collar all over. Ah, they haven't

the door on me yet, Kenneth.

Luck be a lady, and I've always been a lady's man.

Ken.

I think I'm having a mirage.

I've got tenp.

If you're wanting a cup of tea, you've had it. I'm fresh out of tea bags, what

with one wasted pot and another.

No, no, thanks. I'll take. No, look, Ken and Rocky.

I mean, are they here?

I mean, their bikes are here.

Yes, well, they left last night, but they got a lift.

You can have a glass of water.

Or lemonade.

No, thanks. All the same, now, who did they get a lift with?

Couple of Martin's friends pop round and they all left in a terrible hurry.

Whiskey?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Hang on, I think there was one too many meanies in there. Come on, I'll make the

first call. Look, if we're going to do this alphabetically, Ken should go first

anyway, because his name begins with B, eh, Ken?

Thank you, Rocky.

Thank you for calling Crawford Boone Security.

I'm afraid there's nobody available to take your call at the moment, but if

you'd like to leave a message... Oh, damn, it's the machine.

It drives my bile.

Well, we agreed one call each.

You've had your turn. Now give over. Go on.

You're an accident waiting to happen, you are.

Anything happen?

Not yet.

But he'll be back.

Gold star.

I'm told revenge is a dish that's best eaten cold.

Yeah.

hungry too.

Can we not go home yet?

Not without the money.

Look, we've lost them and the money. Face it still, it's over.

Doogie, there's an old saying, the opera isn't over till the fat lady sings.

Hey, you're not fat.

I'm not planning on singing either, Doogie.

Someone was here last night. They wrecked the place. And then there was

back... Don't tell me to shut up, Martin. I've had a terrible... He just

say. He didn't have to shout.

Yeah.

You know I'd do anything for you, baby.

Yeah, of course I can find it. I can read a map.

Martin?

Hi. All you had to do was say please.

Oh, police.

Shame you can't call them, isn't it? Shock and vandalism.

I've had enough of you. Oh, it's never a guess.

Come on, I'm taking you in. Go on, go.

To hell you are. I'm taking you in. I'm going to tell them what's been going on.

Me and Rocky will be witnesses. To what?

You saw me rob the bank, did you?

Yuki, wake up.

There's the flight now.

What the hell's going on?

Where's Kenny Rocky?

Blue Renault, Stella?

Laura! Laura! The time!

The time! The time!

Go on, get down the pews down at the smithy. Get these bloody cuffs off.

My army, put your foot down. Lose those two.

Go for the gap. Get by the bitch.

That isn't a bloody gap. Well, then meet one, you sick bastard.

Doogie.

I am going to murder you.

Doogie! I am going to murder you!

Baby, come and take a look.

Oh, this is a murderous counter!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! This is a deadline!

Wait, wait, wait!

Long time, no see.

Never mind that. Get these bloody cuffs off.

Oxy job, that.

I'll have to put the goggles on.

Where'd I put them?

Oxy? Give it a rest, Pew. You used to be able to do it with the bloody hacksaw.

I wish you hadn't said that.

Okay, goggles.

Has anyone got a match?

You must be joking.

Over there.

I'll have to use the grinder.

You're well out of your league and you don't even know it.

I've crippled pig -thick bastards like you before I've never even broken

yeah? Just shut it, will you? If I draw a line, you don't cross it. All right,

man. You should have kept your nose open. You might just get a cut off.

Now we're cooking, we're coming.

What a half -man. I took no woman like that. I don't know who whines more, her

or you.

I'm sorry.

Are you all right? I'm sorry.

Baby, baby.

but I can assure you of that.

No, he's going to end up repeating.

No, don't wait for him. Just tell us what he's done with the money. He hasn't

got any money now. He's spent it all.

It's not a club already. Come on. This

is

between you and me. I don't care what Martin's price was.

He isn't a pensioner.

Forget Martin.

Just open your wallet a little wider and the stamp are yours.

I'd need extra time to get another 5 ,000.

Mr. Brett.

You can see from looking at me that I wasn't born yesterday.

It's a pleasure doing business with you, Edwin.

I'll bet it is.

Mrs Barrett.

Heavens, Mr Crawford.

Well, your team are a credit to you.

An exemplary and almost punctual service.

And the elusive Mr Mulholland.

Can't say you didn't have fun?

Oh, yes, I can.

You'll come and visit me in prison, Laura, eh?

Oh, definitely.

I'll bring you a file and a cake.

Martin!

Thank you, Mr Crawford.

Your decision not to appear in court seemed to have jogged Paul Booth's

about the day of the robbery.

More cuffs?

Double lock, mate.

Thanks again, Mr Paul Booth.

I'll be in touch.

Oh, a lot of fuss over nothing, eh?

Harry, next time you lumber me with a job like that, I'm going to take one of

your CBS mugs and shove it right up your...

I don't know what's the matter with you these days, Cat. You're getting very

moody in your old age.

But that's about all I'm getting, isn't it?

I don't know.

You're grey -haired.

Thanks for turning up, anyway.

At least some of us have got some idea of teamwork.

I don't know about anybody else, but I am going home.

No, I've got a job lined up for you. The magistrate's brought it up.

I won't be there.

Ned! Read to me!

Well, I put you in, I'll place your contract.

Now I've got that old partner...

this way, you're gonna wind up all alone.

You know, I bet on Mother's Day, you didn't even call your mama on the phone.

You're a rattlesnake. You're a scorpion. You're a stone -cold hearted dangler.

Buddy, you don't care about anyone.

You're a no -go.

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