Original subtitles

No one to talk to. I got no telephone.

If I could draw your attention to the French stitching.

All hand -sewn, of course.

Amazing. Isn't it? What's the retail price?

£175.

We have a factory in Taiwan. You wouldn't believe the production wages

Beautiful. So delicate.

Small hands. A lot of them are kids.

They say the average milk world produces enough milk in its lifetime to go round

the world three times.

Still need an awful lot of worms to produce this lot.

What do you mean?

We're having peeling problems with our security. We just had a new system

installed.

Nobody currently operating in Europe can match us across quality ratio.

It's an Aladdin's cave, Mr. Foster.

A veritable Aladdin's cave.

So is there really a market potential that fires in the northeast?

We believe we can generate one.

But our biggest headache at the moment is security.

I mean, we're talking about hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of stock here.

Well, I can strongly recommend a firm called BIAS, Integrated Alarm Systems.

They certainly took us out of the Dark Ages.

Bias.

Finished.

Now, the best chance seems to be Kaiser Bell in the 330.

Kaiser Bell.

25? Yeah. We could be on to a winner, I reckon.

Ronnie, look, don't get caught with that on you, will you?

Because, you know, they might take a dim view of my using mainframe access time

for glorious Goodwood.

Good thinking. I'll pop it in my coat. Right. Time.

Isn't there a nearer one than the Sheffield?

Excuse me, mate, what's this?

Harry had a visit from the VAT before he went away on that business conference,

and somehow he managed to talk me into doing all of his returns.

So? So, he's all needs a check -in.

No wonder he's done a runner this week.

And what are you doing? I'm just going to do a little job for Harry. I'll need

an address.

Oh, and when you've finished those, give us a shout. I'll bring in the other

half.

Harry Crawford, you take the biscuit.

In the present economic climate, the successful businessman or woman

knows what he's doing at any given moment in time.

For this purpose, we have devised the 5W test.

Question one.

Who am I?

Next.

Where? Am I?

Three.

When am I?

Four.

What do I want?

And finally, and I guess most importantly of all, why do I want?

Yeah? Give me something out.

What's that?

How am I going to get it?

Thank you.

Can I roll it?

I'm off now, Ken.

Laura, wait a minute, darling. Come here, come here.

What's all this about the sandwiches?

What's this?

Make sure you say the sandwiches are toasted.

If you get takeaway sandwiches, you don't have to pay a bat if they're cold.

If they're toasted, you do.

Oh, well, Harry doesn't even like toasted, but he likes to claim the bat.

See you.

I don't believe it.

Oh.

Don't chill, Rowley. I like that.

The daily office?

I got them.

It cost me heart attack, but I got them.

Good boy.

Listen, take my briefcase, slip into the gents and put them in there, all right?

No.

No, I haven't actually got them on me.

I do hope I'm not about to listen to bad news, Rowley. Look, look, to get into

the library files room, you have to put out one of the video monitors.

So? Well, once the screen goes dead, there's an automatic search of everybody

leaving. It's a company directive.

So where the hell are they, then? They're all right.

I've hidden them in the discontinued stock room.

Nobody ever goes in there.

They'll be safe enough until tomorrow.

You'd better be right, Rowley.

Look, Liv.

If you don't get those alarm plans, I can't get into Prosopine.

And if I don't get that underwear, you ain't gonna be rich sometime.

Understand me?

Tomorrow. Same time.

Right.

£200 ,000 worth of goods and we're dealing with a bloody amateur.

Morning.

Ah, Corby.

I see you're a good trencher man.

Crawford, actually.

How are you finding the conference?

Instructive, I hope.

Yes, very.

I don't pretend to know about computers myself.

Still at the abacus stage, I'm afraid.

I tend to rely on this. Smell.

Instinct. All's had it.

Man can have all the degrees from Oxford and Cambridge put together.

Question is, can he sell wampum to the natives?

Mr Crawford!

I must congratulate you. A very telling interjection yesterday.

I can see you becoming one of our model students.

Keep up the good work.

Millionaires by four, then, eh, Rowley? Oh, yeah.

Mr.

Davis to personnel.

Would Mr. Davis report to personnel, please?

By the way, Rowley...

Oh, you're leaving at the end of the month, is that right?

Yes, yes.

So I've been made another offer.

Lucky bugger. I've got a life sentence here.

Oh, my God.

Do you have any antique shoppers? I don't know.

Barry says he's got a good deal for them.

I'm asked to pay him. I could do with that, you know. Not me, Rocky. I've got

lot on, the work of ten men over there.

I'm going to have to have a word with Harry, though, when he gets back.

What do you mean, sold?

Who to?

A firm called Crawford Boone.

Roland, read my lips, will you?

Everything is in place. We have less than 48 hours.

We need those alarm plans.

It's not my fault. I mean, I couldn't help it. That department hasn't been

touched in years. All right, all right.

Let's calm down, shall we?

Now, what sort of firm is this corporate thing?

Well, that's the thing. It's a security firm.

Security?

Oh, Robert, that is brilliant. A security firm?

What are we going to do?

This could be a job for a friend of mine.

So what's our Mr Phillips up to?

Sitting in the corner cooking something up.

That's his old trick.

Naughty boy, aren't you?

I'm not sure I'm quite with this, Mr Bates, but you do want warehouse space

a couple of cardboard boxes. Well, it's a slightly delicate matter, Mr Boone.

At the moment, we're in negotiation with another company regarding a merger.

And they're proving rather reticent at finalising the completion.

Now, we're only a small company. I mean, mainly it's my sister -in -law and

myself. But, well, to tell the truth, we're getting rather prepared.

And we want to keep them away from our... What's on these desks? Fashion

designs. We'd prefer it if they weren't left lying around before the small print

is signed. So we need a secure storage for the software and a few samples. Only

for a couple of days.

No problem, I hope. No, no, no.

I'm busy in the office.

My partner's off on some impact business conference.

How enterprising.

So we've got two empty warehouses. You could leave a box in each if you liked.

If you're worried about the damp, we can always use the other one.

Damp?

Well, computer did.

It's supposed to be a bit sensitive, I think.

Oh, good thinking.

Nora, I wish you'd make your mind up. Just come through. I'll make out a

for you.

The lunch you were rocking.

It's staying there.

I'm sick of these cabinets.

I've got to want one over to Harry's place now.

There you go. That's your offer.

Okay.

Thank you very much.

Who's that?

It's me.

Better check him out.

What blag haven't we used for a while?

Gas men.

Too risky. They might not be on gas.

Do you have his witnesses?

Hang on.

Hello, Larry Crawford's residence.

He's not here?

No, no, I just worked for him.

Er, yes, yes. Hang on a minute, I'll just... You just... Hang on, I'll get

Right.

Phone B -I -A -S.

He's forgot to include the VAT on the cost of the cabinets.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, I'll tell him as soon as I see him. Have you tried him on his mobile?

No, that's 0 -831 -411 -250.

Yeah, all right, mate.

No problem.

Are you sure nothing's missing? No, there's only your old filing cabinet.

in there.

Well, what were they after then? It's got to be Bates' box, isn't it?

So, they hit the wrong warehouse.

That's the only explanation.

Have you contacted the police? No, I thought I'd wait for you. Yeah, well,

don't. And don't tell Bates either.

I don't want it going about that a security firm's got itself turned over.

Back to business.

You amaze me.

No joke, then. No joke at all.

They might decide to have another pop.

So I want a 24 -hour watch kept on that second warehouse.

Harry!

If you think I'm spending the night in that unheated warehouse, Harry, come

here! I'm not joking, mate!

I'm putting my very foot down!

It's only for one night.

Quite exciting, really.

It's all right for you.

You're young.

I need a proper bed.

Sheets.

Cocoa, even.

Ken, I was just thinking, what if they're armed?

What? Who?

Burglars.

What if they've got shooters?

Go back to your book, Rocky.

Darling. Trying the life out of me.

Sorry, Ken.

Listen, I think you'd better come over to the office.

Why?

We've had a break -in.

I mean, how can you get a security firm that's broken into while it's gone in

itself? I mean, might just as well have a sign printed up.

Crawford Boone Security.

The villain's friend. Come in, lads. Help yourselves.

Harry, there's nothing missing.

Excuse me, Ken, but that's not the point.

I mean, I've got a shorted -out alarm system here.

They don't grow on trees, you know.

It should be mended.

It's the principle of the thing.

Crawford Boone security.

All right, don't bang on about it, we fell asleep, OK?

That's an end to it.

That certainly isn't an end to it, Ken.

It was my fault, Harry.

It was my turn to stay awake. You should take it out on me.

I might very well do that, Rocky.

There are positions here that may have to be reviewed.

Harry, there's a couple of men here. They're from the VAT office.

Not my problem, Laura.

I do have a partner.

Strongly reviewed.

All I need is the circuit diagram and the location of the main frame room.

Then I can bypass the stockroom alarm.

But how do we locate the circuit plan, Rowley?

It wasn't in the warehouse, it wasn't in the office.

So who's got it, Rowley? Little Bo Peep?

Leave him alone, Jack.

Oh, of course, leave little Rowley alone.

Yeah, it wasn't his little fault, was it? No.

No, he just stuffed the plans in a filing cabinet, which happens to be

in the British Isles.

Well, simple, isn't it?

All we need to do is rob each house street by street until we find it. Then

we've got at least seven hours.

It has to be in this man Crawford's flat. It has to be. Great.

So I have to hit this Crawford's place.

Why didn't you put it in something immovable, you cretin?

Anyway, this will have to be the last. I mean, we can't afford any more of these

break -ins.

Jack, there are other ways.

An extraordinary state of affairs. There I am, in a log jam, near Pinner, and

the whole bang shoot is blowing up in our London office.

I couldn't lift a finger.

So I racked my brains for a solution.

And then it comes to me.

I pull over and pretend the old jalopy's conked out, you see.

I got out, lifted the bonnet, and walked to one of those AA phones.

Now, that was in the days of the old motorcycle chappies. Do you remember?

When he gets it, I slip him a four -wire, and he ships the contract down

shoulder.

You see what I mean about resource?

Very pleased with myself over that one, I was.

What do you say?

Corbett. I had an auntie once live near Pinner.

Sorry to keep you waiting. Gentlemen, I'm Ken Boone. Mr. Grant, Mr. Peters.

We're from Her Majesty's Customs and Exiles. Yeah, don't I know it.

You do?

Yeah. Cost me a lot of sleepless nights, you boys.

Did we?

They are. That's a lot. I'll leave it with you. Any problems, give us a shout.

AT men.

Nice one, Keogh.

It's smile and be happy day.

Oh. I'm afraid you don't win our 10 ,000th customer prize.

Sorry? Cheer up. It may never happen.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Trouble at work.

Oh, me too.

Need a sympathetic ear?

Actually, we're not total strangers.

I'm on the conference too.

Are you?

I haven't noticed you.

That's all I need, compliments.

Oh, no, no, no, I didn't really like that at all.

Six in the lounge bar. You provide the drink, I'll provide the ear.

I'll do.

I'm Janet.

I'm Harry.

Harry.

Nice name.

22nd of November, Mr Bates. Two boxes, storage.

Oh, Jack, all right.

Last time he called himself Mr Bates was when he pulled off that rookie job.

I've brought you some coffee.

Very kind, Miss.

We're not usually so popular.

By the way, Mr Boone said to tell you that the sandwiches are definitely

toasted. Don't worry.

We've already eaten.

Who am I?

Harry Crawford.

Where am I?

The Butterfield Country Club.

When am I?

What do I want?

And why do I want it?

And how am I going to get it?

Oh, this is bloody insane.

Right on time. I'm impressed.

What can I get you to drink?

Are you all right?

The peanuts aren't down the wrong way.

Drink. Large bourbon, tall glass, three ice.

Shall we take a table?

Mummy said I can drink as much as I like, but never, never sit on a bar

Makes one look conny.

Where's the VAT men?

Packed up and gone.

That's quick.

That's because they weren't VAT men.

What do you mean?

Well, I called in on them earlier. They hadn't even touched Harry's returns.

And I found one of them rifling through the files. Ah, that's what VAT men do,

love.

So how come the only thing that's missing is the receipt for Mr Bates'

Is it? Yes.

The only thing?

Yes.

Now, what is going on?

And where's Harry?

I hope you don't mind.

What?

I felt I had to get a little drunk tonight.

Why's that?

I don't normally pick up strange men in hotel lobbies, believe it or not.

Well, I'm glad you did.

Me too.

But why?

Why did you ask me for a drink?

Moving clocks run slowly, I suppose.

I've had a horrible day, and I'm feeling rather a long way from home.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

A bit of company.

And you seemed very nice.

And here you are, and you are very nice.

So, what now?

Dinner?

I'm famished.

But only if we split it.

No, please, let me... This is the 90s, Harry.

50 -50, or I go straight back to my room and never speak to you again.

Done. I'll go and book a table.

Oh, yeah?

Thought you could do with a meal.

Bit of company for a couple of hours.

American hot.

Your favourite.

Laura Marsh. You could very easily get a job as a ministering angel.

So, this is what all the fuss is about, eh?

Any idea what's in him?

Something to do with fashion designs.

Harry thinks it's industrial espionage.

Yeah, well, Harry's always had a very overactive imagination.

Hey, bless you.

So, that's the story of Eric Crawford.

Madam.

Stormer, firefighter, hotelier.

They're currently sticking the mud.

Don't knock yourself, Harry. I think you've got a lot to be proud of.

Oh, I'm not selling you the poor meat, I don't know. I mean, that's not my style

at all. No, it's just that I've felt a bit bogged down recently, you know.

That's why I'm doing this business course.

Fresh ideas, new challenges, you know.

Boldly go where no man has gone before, eh?

Oh, what's that from?

Is that a poet or somebody?

James T. Kirk.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Kirk, yeah.

Star Trek.

Oh, what a twit!

Oh, I thought he was tennising to somebody like that. Oh, what a twit!

What a twit.

What now?

I suppose we're meant to get half a bottle of champagne and sneak up to your

room.

Oh, wait.

Except I wouldn't want to wake up in a hotel room feeling cheap, so thank you,

but no.

Right.

There again.

Your flat isn't very far away from here, is it?

Talk some afters?

Yes. Come here.

Anyway, what about you?

No exotic temptresses leaving you steaming out slightly?

No.

I've come to the conclusion exotic temptresses are no longer what I'm

for.

So what are you looking for, Ken?

I don't know.

I used to think it was adventure.

Do you know something?

I've spent all my life avoiding ties, commitments.

I do wake up sometimes, just think how nice it would be to take the wife, the

kids, down the seaside for the day.

You sound like hurry.

I hope I don't.

Open.

Mr. Stairrod, where have you been, then?

Letting your hair down?

I always like to take a constitutional after dinner.

AIDS digestion.

You seem to have been enjoying yourself.

Well, old worker, no plymax jacket, old boy, did he?

I don't drink myself.

What did I say?

A healthy mind?

Come on, Tiger, let's have a look at those etchings of yours.

In a healthy body.

Oh, don't start.

I must have spent nearly two -thirds of my adult life sitting in a car,

watching.

Watching flats.

Watching cars.

Watching the hands of me watch sweep me life away.

What an epitaph, eh?

Here lies Chilvers, a bloody good watcher. You know something, Chilvers?

You're a bigger prat than I thought you were, which is a bloody difficult

achievement, let me tell you.

Wakey, wakey. My jack's on the move.

Bachelor habits.

Well, here we are.

This is it. Very nice.

Aren't you meant to ply me with drinks?

Yes, I certainly am.

What are you going to have? Whatever you've got.

Do you

have any eyes?

Yeah

So far apart.

What, no two dark strangers lurking in the shadows, eh?

There was one.

He was quite small, actually, and blonde.

Very sweet.

He used to write you poetry and read it to me over the phone.

Kid stuff, really.

Nothing wrong with that.

It's very nice.

Yeah, well, sitting there all alone in the night time just...

Listening.

He had a really dark, gentle voice.

That's very romantic.

What happened then?

He married a go -go dancer from Rotherham.

I ended up with a massive phone bill.

I found out later he was nicking all the poems out of books.

Well, there you are. At least he had enterprise.

Correction, Ken.

You had technique.

It's not the same thing.

You know, every now and then, a little shaft of sunlight

comes into a man's life.

You,

Janice.

My little sunbeam.

How sweet.

I can't help it, Harry.

Men just seem to fall at my feet.

A perfidy of women, eh, Harry?

Jack.

You are a clever girl, Mrs Phillips.

Children, wake up.

Something happened.

What?

He's off. He's slowing down.

He's put his hazard lights on.

What's he up to?

Maybe he's stuck.

Right. How'd you get, Rowley?

What's going on? Are we stuck?

Very. Just throwing the hounds off the scent, Rowley.

What? We're being followed.

Who by?

Detective Sergeant Keogh and Detective Constable Chilvers.

Lovely couple.

What are we going to do now?

We're going to get into that one.

Bring my bag. Come on.

I don't believe it. What a div.

Nice one, Jack.

He must have forgotten about low bridges in prison.

Chilvers, get some backup.

Come again?

Where's our Jack?

He's stuck under the bridge.

Correction, the van is stuck under the bridge.

Where are Jackie's is another matter.

Control.

The mainframe is in that room.

Now, is that one of the circuits you've already knocked out? Yes.

Thought you'd never get round to it.

Come on, come on!

Donny. Donny!

Janet, come on.

Should have done this sooner.

I knew there was something dodgy about there, Mr Bates.

Well? Well, there's certainly discs.

Ferry across with Mersey.

Diane.

Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?

And in this one, I'd say about 50 dresses from Oxfam.

You know what, Laura?

What? We've been had.

Now, why does Mr Bates want to pay us £70 a night to protect this junk?

I don't know.

Perhaps he's ashamed of his taste.

I don't know.

Rich? I'm going to be rich!

Come on!

Jack, the door!

What? Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Mr Crawford? Yeah? Mr Harry Crawford?

Yeah, I think so. You're nicked.

It makes no sense at all.

We went all through those boxes.

Nothing.

They weren't after Bates's boxes.

It's obvious.

First the warehouse, then the office.

Did you notice anything in this filing cabinet before you started filling it?

No. Like what?

That's what I want to know.

Give me Bates's number.

Jack, pull over.

We can make it. We can make it. Please, Jack, you're speeding and we look like

we've been in a crash.

Please, Jack, please.

Pull over.

Damn, damn, damn it.

No good, love.

We're never going to make it. Leave me alone.

We can't drive round with stolen goods in a wreck like this.

Let's get out while we can.

There's got to be a way, isn't there? Come on, Jack.

Don't take the risk.

I'm not losing you again, not for this.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, God, I love you so much.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Who am I?

Harry Crawford.

Where am I?

Nottingham Police Station.

When am I?

You've got yourself in a spot of bother, old son, haven't you?

Follow me.

You think I can have a glass of water?

Yeah, OK, mate.

Thanks very much. No, you've been very helpful.

Caretaker of the flats. Never heard of Bates or Janice.

But a couple, answering their description, did a bunk last night.

I win all the rent.

I'm going to have to find Harry, and he isn't going to like it.

Look, I tell you, I just don't know.

You don't know?

It's not good enough, is it?

You're mucking us about now, aren't you?

I really don't know.

What am I supposed to have done? Why don't you tell me? All right, Harry,

go through it again.

You went out for a drink with this young lady and things got out of hand. Is

that what you're saying?

I don't... I don't remember.

Who's this, Harry?

I don't know.

Then why did he rent a warehouse from you?

Did he?

Why did he come to your flat at one o 'clock this morning?

Did he? And why were you whining and dining his missus?

His missus?

What's this, Harry?

What's my mobile telephone number?

Where do you get this?

And what's your telephone number doing on the back of an alarm system plan for

Protherpine Lingerie Limited?

The same firm that was burgled at 2 .30 this morning.

I haven't a clue.

Handling stolen goods, Harry. It's not good.

You could be looking at three years.

That's if you cooperate.

Listen, Lockingbar.

You're as bent as a weight pipe.

And I'm personally going to see to it that you go down as the biggest knicker

-knicker this town has ever seen.

You with me?

I want to make a phone call.

200 grand.

A young lady, you say?

Call me old -fashioned, Mr. Boone, but I come from the old school where it's not

done to bandy a woman's name.

I appreciate that, Mr Stainrod, but it is important that I find Mr Crawford.

Now, can you give me a description of the girl?

A striking piece of Eve's flesh, Mr Boone.

Tall, blonde, in short, a right... Blonde, you say?

I don't wish to appear intrusive, but does your partner have... How can I put

this? Does he have a weakness for the grape?

Not as a rule, no.

Well, forgive me, but last night he was as drunk as a stevedore on shore leave

in Marseilles.

Harry.

Oh, the shame of it.

A respected member of the community.

Branded a common criminal.

Oh, how did I get into this mess?

Harry!

Cold tea.

Laura, it's Ken.

Thank God. Listen, Harry's been arrested.

What? Something to do with a robbery.

He sounded in a right day.

All right, all right, I'm on my way, yeah. Now, listen, ask Rocky, where did

get those filing cabinets?

B -I -A -S.

What's B -I -A -S? It's security.

Burglar alarms.

Burglar alarms?

Yes.

Listen, just get him to meet me down at the police station as soon as he can.

OK.

Rocky.

Oh, am I glad to see you. You're all right, mate. Nice to see you. I'm, uh...

I'll get you teamed up by a pint.

Hey, no, no, no.

No booze.

I'm off the booze.

Ah, come in.

Well, Mrs Phillips, I seem to have made rather a mess of that one.

Oh, I don't know.

It had its moments.

I think we can put that one down to experience.

Pretty expensive experience.

The flat, the hire of the vans.

We're going to have to replenish the old piggy bank soon.

First a little holiday.

And all for nothing.

Oh, not quite.

What do you mean?

And I don't.

He never puts a foot wrong.

He knows we're watching him.

That bloke Roland won't say a word against him, so we can't touch him.

He'll make a mistake sometime.

I always do.

Well?

Yes.

He's tucked up in bed with his room service and what have you, and we're

in a freezing car eating cold sandwiches.

Yes.

I mean, he's supposed to be the villain, isn't he?

We're the good guys. So what are you saying?

Well, it's not bloody fair, is it?

Good to have you back, Harry.

You'll be able to do your own VAT returns now, eh?

Pleasure, Laura.

See you then.

I hope you've learned a lesson from this, Crawford.

Oh, come on, Kendall, keep going on about it. Well, you're a big boy now,

know, mate. You ought to be able to look after yourself.

Ken, if you're going to spend the rest of the evening taking their eyes out on

me, I'm going now. There's gratitude for you.

Ken, I want you to know, really, I'm grateful.

You proved yourself a true friend, and I'm proud to know you're a true friend,

mate.

All right, leave it, aren't you? You'll have me weeping.

Well, I've said it, and I meant it, so I'll leave it there.

But I meant it, and thank you.

Sentimental bugger.

Come on in. I'll buy you a curry.

Hey,

no. Fair dues.

My treat. Oh, you are a changed man.

Oh, fresh air.

Nothing can beat it.

Look at you. A few hours in a police cell, and you sound like the Count of

Cristo. Could have been three years, Cap. Oh, yeah. Could have been.

Well, was she worth it?

This is Janice.

Ken, there are dark places in a man's soul where even a true friend cannot

tread.

Well, come on, then.

Papa Dom's all be getting soft.

It's a very nice one down there, mate.

It's a Vindaloo. I don't like that. Well, I was here the other night.

He's right!