Original subtitles

No one to talk to, I got no telephone

We're leaving tomorrow morning.

Seven days.

24 -hour cover.

That's right. 1 ,000 now and the rest at the end of the week.

Oh.

Should be all right.

We'll leave a contact number in Scotland just in case anything should crop up.

Did you see everything you needed to?

Oh, yes, yes. I was just saying to Alan the security shouldn't be a problem.

I've met out and caught with that very well.

Well, won't you be doing it yourself?

Myself? Well, that's what we'd imagined.

Well, you were recommended personally.

The top man.

You could have the run of the house, make your love at home. It's at least an

hour out of Nottingham. We thought you could just move in, look after the house

for us.

I thought the £5 ,000 reflected that.

Oh, I'd need another person.

What are you doing here?

Good morning.

What happened to good morning, Kent?

It's 7 .30, Harry. It couldn't possibly be a good morning.

Don't you ever clear up?

Well, it's not time yet.

We've got a job.

Starts about 8 .30.

Today? I tried phoning last night. It just kept ringing.

And this morning it was engaged.

I was hoping to sleep, Harry.

You're a working man, can't you order me up by now?

All right, well, I am. I'm up. I'm up. What's the job?

It's a week out of town.

Pack a bag. Tell you on the way.

Well, let's hope they stay that way.

It's only for a few days.

Not bad, eh?

Not my style.

Yeah, I noticed.

I still don't see why both of us have to stay here for a week.

24 -hour surveillance.

Kate and Alan, they wanted the top man.

Why can't Kate and Alan have a burglar alarm like everybody else? There's a

stuff inside worth a fortune.

I don't want to be nanny to someone else's fortune, Harry.

Why can't you get Charlie or Lenny? I'm not going to be locked up for a week

with Charlie and Lenny.

It's a holiday camp.

A paid holiday.

They give you cash?

Yeah, cash.

A thousand quid. And you're complaining.

Maybe you should have asked Rocky to come up here.

Get inside.

What time is it?

Time to get up.

What are you doing here?

Oh, look, he flapped on him, mate.

Threw you out, did he?

No, no, he just wanted to borrow it with his girlfriend and some privacy.

Just for a few days.

Just as well Harry won't be in this week, then.

Where is he, then? On a job, out of town with Ken.

Get up. We've got work to do.

How long will it take?

As long as it takes.

Happy days are here again. The skies above are here again.

Had a good look round, then?

Yeah, I have.

Do you know there's no photos in this house? None at all, anywhere.

They're young.

Old people like photos.

Young people take photos as well, Harry.

What do they look like, this couple?

Young and beautiful, you know.

Looky sods.

Maybe they were dirty photos and they put them away.

Why didn't they have any insurance?

Most people with fortunes get insurance.

The dealers can.

There's new stuff coming in all the time.

You can get insurance to cover that.

It would cost a bloody fortune, doesn't it?

Anyway, some of this stuff isn't replaceable.

Never been in a house with no photos.

Doesn't feel right.

My dad wanted me to be a locksmith. He'd had a natural gift for it.

It's only one lock, Kate.

Don't get carried away.

One lock, ten locks.

It's only a matter of time.

Maybe Harry left the file at home, Laura.

He always puts everything back.

He bends my ear every time I leave one out.

Yeah, well, you said yourself this job in the country just came up.

Sounds more like a holiday to me.

Will you be all right?

I'll be waiting for you.

I'd like to have one oatmeal a day.

Can you cook?

Yeah, of course I can. I can open tins, packets, bottles.

You haven't got any marmalade?

Yeah, I've got some marmalade. I've got some here.

You better do the cooking then, eh?

I'll clean up this mess.

Yeah, I've seen the way you do that.

That's at my home.

Yeah, they say some things start at home, don't they?

No, I'll do the cooking tonight, all right.

Ah, about tonight. I was going to talk to you about that. I'm going out

We'll just have to cancel, won't we?

Why? You're here.

We don't both have to be here, do we?

You didn't tell me.

Well, I'm telling you now.

I'm taking someone out, you know.

Oh, someone.

Well, I don't see how that affects me.

Or does it?

Well, I had hoped it wouldn't.

You're not bringing her back here, are you?

Why not?

Think you might make a good impression?

What I'm trying to say to you is I'm going to be back late.

I'm not your mother, Ken.

And can I borrow your jacket?

Sorry to bother you, Lisa, just tomorrow's final capital.

I was just going.

This is my assistant, James. Alan Bridges, James Pettigrew. Hello. Nice to

you. Well, I'll be in touch tomorrow.

That's fine.

So, that's the mighty James Pettigrew.

Well, he's a little more humble these days.

He could have fooled me.

You're still very young, Alan.

Youth has its advantages.

Well, that was quick.

I'll do it later, all right?

God, I hate those things.

Always have.

Oh, look, excuse me, Tom.

I used to love doing it when I was a kid with me Auntie Beth at the seaside.

Didn't know you had an Auntie Beth.

Yeah, I had four aunties. Auntie Beth, Auntie Lil, Auntie Jenny and Auntie Meg.

My dad was the only lad.

Poor sod.

Yeah, that's what he thought.

My mum's sister.

Married a yank in the war.

So I might have cousins all over Ohio.

Ohio? Yeah, that's where they live.

Doesn't go there, doesn't go there.

How do you know?

Look, you don't like puzzles, do you? So just let me do it.

Is that any trying to help?

You know, if you do the washing up straight away, it doesn't take so long.

Cleaning up takes exactly the same time.

It's better to do it just once.

Once? Especially on a job like this.

Oh, not one. I'm here again.

I can't stand that.

Well, I'd better let you do it then, hadn't I? That's not what we agreed.

All right, all right.

I will do it. I promise.

So,

where are you

taking me?

To the very best.

Where else? How nice.

It's the kitchen.

What can I get you?

Hello,

Ken.

I'm Harry.

Harry Crawford.

Friend of Ken.

Hello. Honey, Chapman.

Haven't we met somewhere before?

What are you doing?

I'm clearing up.

You forgot to do it.

You know what time it is?

Oh, I realised it was so late.

Anyway, it doesn't matter because I don't have to be up early in the

I? I'm up anyway, so why don't you sit down and have a cup of tea?

Or a drink.

It's an even better idea, eh?

Where's the booze?

Well, you should know. You've just tidied up, haven't you?

Come on, let's go and sit down in the other room. The other room.

That's where it is.

A friend of mine told me having more locks didn't stop a break -in.

It was just a question of time.

Very strange company you keep.

A locksmith?

Ah, well, sometimes the time of being picked can be vital.

Thank you.

Why don't I come in for a while?

Not tonight. I think I should go to bed.

Mm -hmm to sleep The

nanny's

outside and the baby's inside and we can't get in anywhere And Ken's up a

ladder, trying to force one of the windows.

And then the father comes home.

But he can't get in either because he doesn't have his own keys.

Oh, it's not true.

Yeah, yeah. Silly fool.

Anyway, finally, Ken manages to get in without falling off his ladder.

He goes downstairs, picks up the baby. You know what happens then?

No, what?

The baby takes a swing at Ken.

Slaps him so hard we hear it in the street.

Well, not surprising, really.

Scared out of its wits.

Was the baby all right then?

Ask him.

Listen, it's getting late.

I'm going to bed.

Well, I'd better be getting home. I hadn't meant to stay so late.

Oh, you're all right, Penny. I'll run you out.

Go on, can you? Go on, then.

Well, good night, then.

Sit down, Penny.

Have another drink.

Whereabouts is the nothing you do live?

West Bridgeford.

Oh, I saw.

Why wouldn't she let me come in?

I've done it before.

Not at night.

So what's the difference?

She doesn't want you to spend the night. That's the difference.

Well... We'll have to work on that.

Meanwhile, why don't you walk in here?

does sound so.

Stay tuned. For those of you still feeling sleepy this morning, here's a

to get you.

They're leaving me out all bloody night, locking me out.

What have I done to you?

I'll tell you what I've done. I've got us a nice, well -paying, cushy little

job. I've cooked for you. I've cleaned the house, which is your job.

I looked after you when you came back.

I've even taken your daytime. I mean, poor Penny.

How is she going to get home when you're in bed?

You need a shave, Harry.

You're antisocial. That's what you are, antisocial.

I wasn't until yesterday morning, and you came round and started wrecking my

life. I have to leave my home to babysit somebody else's? I've seen your home,

Ken. You hovering round me all bloody day. I can't do what I want to do.

Not true.

Yes, it is.

I can't even bring a woman back here without you messing it up. I didn't mean

to. I'm standing in a bloody kitchen with an apron on.

I always do the dishes like that.

Well, I wish you'd leave the dishes alone.

I wish you'd leave my friends alone.

I wish you'd leave me alone.

Harry, I didn't mean it.

Look.

We need to know exactly when she's making the sale.

That's what I'm going to do today.

I'm going to change the locks after you go.

Not such a bright idea, is it, Kate?

Someone might come round again, try the bedroom this time.

I'll change this lock.

I'd rather change the front door locks.

Watch.

by itself.

Open the door.

Open the door, Kate. Come on.

You've got nice legs.

Lisa wouldn't mind.

Very funny.

If someone comes again and you change the lock, they'll know something's

And what if Crawford decides to come home for something?

I'm sorry I said that, Harry.

I didn't mean it.

I think you did.

I didn't, I promise you.

I don't know what come over me. Come on, we're friends.

That's what I thought.

Open the door.

I paid Oliver you said this was going to be.

Well, it didn't work out, did it?

Well, we can try again.

Hello?

Yes, it is, yeah. Hang on.

Hurry.

Harry, the telephone for you.

Hello, Fox Residence.

Harry Crawford speaking.

Oh, Alan.

No, fine, fine, fine. Everything's fine.

Yeah, oh, you've a lovely house, Alan.

Yes, yes, no, no. I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet.

No, everything's safe with me. All day, all night.

You can tell Kate that.

Fish in peace, Alan.

Fish in peace.

I think you're safe enough.

I've made you some coffee.

Look, about Penny, she's not a real girlfriend, you know.

Thanks for telling me.

The owner would rather not meet.

Look, it's a very simple deal, Piers, unless you complicate it.

Yes, that's right. I'm getting the painting today.

Right, let me know tonight.

OK, fine. Bye.

The tale's about to start.

When are the Foxes coming back?

The Foxes?

You know, they live in the country. They collect classical oil.

Oh, yes, I know the ones. About a week, I think. Oh, good.

I've found one they might be interested in.

You're getting paid, Ken.

You're working.

The cushiest job you'll ever have and the best paid, too, I'll bet.

That's what's bothering me, the money.

Yes, well, I mean, it's normal for you not to have any money, isn't it, Ken

Boone, private investigator?

The worse the pay, the better the work. Very funny, Harry.

It's not funny, Ken.

It's not a joke.

You don't need me.

I need someone.

Well, you've got that bloody puzzle, haven't you?

That's a bite.

You can keep it.

See an arrow?

That's coming for him to sign.

Yeah, he's inside chatting up a jigsaw puzzle.

Can I borrow the bike?

I just want a ride, mate.

Yeah.

Great.

Thank you for 20 in the middle of the room. I'm looking for 30.

30, madam,

thank you. £30 ,000, I'm bid for the Picasso print. £30 ,000.

You in the centre of the room.

It doesn't go there.

It might do.

I really must be going, you know.

Laura's going to be waiting.

Ken'll be back in a minute.

Do me a favour, Rocky.

Depends.

It does, doesn't it?

I need a suit.

I might be going out tomorrow evening. I need my blue suit.

Please.

That is my final word, Ken.

It's a Gary Cooper.

This is not a TV dinner, Ken. I don't do those.

But the tape's got nothing to do with television, you know.

Come on, Harry. You're going to start clean.

Come on, sit down.

You can't be watching television in the middle of the day.

This is pathetic, mate. And so is this. You can't eat it off your lap. Of course

I can.

Then get it all over the sofa.

But you sit on chairs.

No.

Ken? Shut up, Harry.

You're getting all over the place!

Ken, it's Rocky.

Is Harry about?

Yeah, he is. Hang on, he's cleaning.

Can you hear the hoover?

Harry!

Harry, phone!

What's that?

Telephone!

He's always cleaning something.

Yeah? Well, last time I saw him, he didn't do such a good job on his

Well, you want to see it here.

I must have locked it by mistake.

Yeah, that's what they're locked for.

I can't see how Harry can have locked himself out of his bedroom.

Maybe he left in a hurry.

Who locked the bedroom door?

Harry.

Well, I hope he's got a key.

Have you got your key to this place?

Yeah, I've got it.

So, when do you think he might be going home?

Oh, tomorrow, I think.

Good. I can't stand this for much longer.

I'll be back late, you know.

I'll try not to wake you up.

Nothing wakes me, Harry.

You're a great security man, you.

Except crime.

Let's not go out tonight.

All right.

Why do you think James Pettigrew was more humble these days?

You're doing a private deal again, aren't you?

Pettigrew's having to sell one of his paintings.

And you're handling it personally.

I don't know.

Don't worry, Penny, don't worry.

Ken and me, we're old friends.

Did you do this all by yourself?

Yeah.

But I think Ken's very clever at that sort of thing.

Doesn't interest some people, does it?

I don't think he can concentrate for long enough.

Least to you, Penny.

Sure.

Hello, Ken.

You remember Penny?

Penny? How are you, Ken?

Fancy a glass?

Drumpey? No, no, no, no. Can I have a word with you, Harry, in the kitchen?

What, now?

It's important.

It's all right, Harry. I don't mind.

Penny doesn't mind.

Not at all. I'll work on this.

Jack...

Get that woman out of this house. What? Get her out right now.

What the hell's the matter with you? I just brought her in.

Well, take her back out. Shut up.

All right, I went out with her for a while.

You buzzed in then.

Now you bring her back here.

Where have you been?

Going out to dinner.

I don't understand you sometimes, Harriet.

You're jealous.

I've got to bring her back somewhere.

You've been to my girlfriend and you bring her here?

She's not your girlfriend. You said so.

She might have been.

Well, what else can I bring her back?

What about your place?

Well, I'm on duty here.

I can relieve you. You can go.

I can't pack now.

You're not going to need any clothes, are you?

We were revolted, you are.

I'm doing really well.

Good.

I think I'd better take you home.

I think that's probably better.

He needs the money.

But he doesn't want anyone to hear that he's selling the original.

So he's had a copy made to hang in its place. People do it all the time.

And he doesn't pay any tax on it, either.

Hello?

Piers, yes.

Is Neil Kinnock now going to move against the militant MPs, do you think,

indeed the militant movement?

Well, he's been trying to move against the militant movement ever since the

party conference of 19... Sort that.

tomorrow night.

I heard.

Time to get to work.

Are you ready for tonight?

You heard.

You know I am.

Only two hours, at least.

Did you hear it all?

Everything. It doesn't bother you?

This is a job, isn't it?

You're not in love with her, are you?

No. Well, then, why should I be jealous?

Because it's normal to be jealous.

He's got a bloody nerve.

Laura. I was going to have that for my breakfast.

You are disgusting.

Mr. Bush.

I'm glad Harry isn't here to see this.

Yeah, well, he's not so perfect as the state of his kitchen.

What do you mean?

You know, food out, mustard open, dirty glasses and not much really.

Doesn't sound like Harry.

Maybe he's got squatted.

Nah.

I'd have seen them.

You said the bedroom door was locked.

I'd have heard them.

I wonder if everything's all right.

Not tonight.

Late. No.

Lisa Simmons?

Piers?

I see.

Well, too bad she should be fine.

I'll see you then.

Maybe tonight we'll be all right after all.

Can I help you?

The foxes aren't at home, you know.

I do know.

Who are you?

Well, who are you?

I'm the cleaner.

Well, he didn't tell me you was coming.

He didn't tell me you was coming.

I'm security.

What do they need that for?

That's how people don't take things.

I've got to clean.

I clean the house every Thursday.

Even when they're away?

I can check on the house that way.

I've got a number for them in Scotland.

I'll give them a ring.

I thought they were going to France.

Hello? Kate?

Yes? It's Harry Crawford.

Oh, hello, Harry.

I'm sorry to bother you, but something's just come up.

Well, nothing serious, is it?

Oh, no, no, no. It's just your cleaner, Ellie. She says you told her to come in

while you were away.

Oh, of course. I forgot all about Ellie.

I'm sorry.

I want to speak to her.

She'd like a word with you. I'm afraid I don't have time. Alan's outside waiting

for me. We were just going out fishing.

Look, just tell her to do the usual. She knows.

Bye, Harry.

Kate!

She's making the tale this afternoon.

She said to do the usual.

I know what to do.

I want you to talk to her.

Don't do anything.

Just stay there.

What do you think you're doing, taking my jug?

Who said you could take it, eh?

Oh, no.

It might all be over by tonight.

Hello,

James Pettigrew, please. Lisa Simmons here.

Well, can he give me a ring when he gets in?

Yes, I'll have something for him today rather than tomorrow.

Thank you.

You're going to have to go in this afternoon as soon as Piers leaves.

I can't. I'm supposed to be at work.

She doesn't even want to see me.

Oh, come on, Alan. After what you two did last night.

You don't know what she's like.

Oh, yes, I do.

And you've just told him all that?

I told him.

I told him everything.

And I still think Mr and Mrs Fox have gone to France.

France? He said they were in Scotland, fishing.

And they're not?

I don't know, do I?

They go to France every year, swimming, not fishing.

There. I knew that was right.

Look, did Mr and Mrs Fox, what do they look like?

Look like?

I don't know. It's difficult to say, isn't it?

About your age.

There used to be photos all over the place.

Family and stuff.

They've got a lot of family.

I knew there was something wrong with this job.

Worth every penny.

All there?

It's all there. Thank you.

Shall I have a drink?

A quick one.

Does he or she have anything else for Sal?

I could find out.

Why don't you?

My friend here.

Upstairs.

Ken?

Ken, where are you?

Where are my keys?

What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

Going home.

You're being a bit childish, aren't you? Ellie here tells me it's not Alan and

Kate, it's Guy and Beatrice.

They don't like fishing.

They go to France on holiday.

Are you telling me we've been had?

What do you mean, we, Harry?

I'm going to call the police.

There's no need to call the police, Ellie.

What are you doing here, then?

I'm a security man, I told you. Hey, look, that's me.

I've already seen that.

Oh, go on then, check me out if you want to.

Or phone the office.

Or call the police if you want to.

What are you doing here?

No, Alan, no.

Darling, how nice to see you. You're supposed to be at the office.

The office can look after itself for a couple of hours.

I bought you these.

I said tonight, maybe.

I couldn't wait.

Champagne?

What are you celebrating?

Won't you let me in?

What are you celebrating?

I'm not celebrating.

I'm just happy.

In love.

In love?

You put it on a cap, please.

Where are my car keys?

I only get a cab to bring me out here.

It took me ages to talk Ali out of ringing the police.

Oh, we're talking to each other, are we?

You have a really nasty side to you, can't I, don't you?

Well, you bring it out in me, Harry. Just give me the car keys, please.

I may be a lot of things, Ken, but I'm not nasty.

No, but you're stupid.

Why should Kate and Alan hire you to guard somebody else's house?

Eh? Because they wanted me out of the way.

They wanted the top man.

I'm not that stupid.

I need to check in at the office.

Your flat, Harry.

Yeah, what about it?

Your flat. Rocky said the kitchen was in a mess.

Well, I haven't got squatters.

No. Kate and Alan.

They wanted you out of the way. They wanted your flat.

I'll move back to the flat tomorrow.

Imagine living next door to that.

You should see my place, Laura. It shines.

What less.

Me mate's girlfriend cleaned everything up.

Let me try.

No, no, it's the right key. I'm positive.

It can't be, can it?

I'll have to give Harry a ring. You stay here.

Don't let anybody in or out.

Hello. The music's a little loud, isn't it?

Shall we turn it off?

I'll do it.

Can you stay the night?

I can't tonight.

Laura's been trying to ring you. We can't get into your flat. The key

seem to fit.

What? They must have changed their locks, Harry.

What

is

going on?

It was locked before, Harry.

Honest.

I've seen no one except some blonde bird come out of your neighbour's flat.

Oh, no!

I'm sorry.

Adam?

Yeah, I'll be with you in a sec.

Kate?

The police will get her, mate.

Oh, yeah.

Spent the whole night with that lot. Get in nowhere.

Thanks, Barry.

I can't stay at my place.

Why not?

There's a bloody great hole in the bedroom wall.

Lisa's all right, then.

Well, I suppose you'll have to chip here.

If you don't mind.

No, of course I don't, but it's not three star, as you know.

Perhaps I could help around the house a bit.

Yeah, we could start with the kitchen.

No. Oh, I can't live like this, Ken. I don't even know when I'm going to sleep.

Harry, this is my house.

Haven't you just invited me? As my guest, not a bloody cleaner.

I can help. That's all I said.

I don't want your help.

All right. We'll be friends, we'll be friends, we'll be friends through the

years. Just like D 'Arcy and Hutch for the three months of years. We'll be

comrades in arms through the years and years.

And when the whole story ends, buddy, we'll be friends.

As long as fish swim in the sea, as long as women still puzzle

me, as long as dying's worth ten cents,

that's how long we'll still be friends.

We'll be friends, we'll be friends, we'll be friends through the years, just

like Starsky and Hutch, or the three -bucked deers. We'll become rats and all

arms through the tears and the beer.

And when the whole story ends But we'll still be friends When the whole story

ends But we'll still be friends