Original subtitles

Thank you.

No!

Definitely not, Rod.

Well, I'm not having that in here.

Oh, go on.

No. It's only for a few days, Ken. I mean, it's only till her birthday.

I'll look after it.

No.

No, it'll get you.

Well, how do you know she likes parrots?

Because she does.

And so will the customers. They'll love it.

Hey, listen to this. Listen to this.

Do you want a drink, Skipper?

Do you want a drink?

The platter will get you everywhere.

Ah,

Miss Woods, I'm Ken Boone, my partner, Harry Crawford. How do you do? How do

do?

And he's just leaving, taking his parrot with him.

Thank you, Ken.

Take a seat.

Come on, skip a night.

Nobody loves you around here.

Oh, who is he?

That might be turned up.

So, let's have a few details, eh?

Um, what exactly was stolen?

Letters and dictaphone tapes.

They go, and then they're returned again. It's frightening.

And when did you first notice these things missing?

When Mr. Sanford went to Amsterdam ten days ago.

I don't want to worry him when he's sorting out our future.

Yeah, I see. Making sure that when 1992 comes, we're in the swim.

And... If that means redundancies in some departments, well, I'm sorry, but

has to happen.

Ah, so there have been some redundancies?

Oh, yes, it's inevitable.

It's all part of adjusting.

And you think this person... Someone in the firm trying to put a spanner in the

works, I'm sure of it.

I can't let someone spoil it all, can I? Just when he's working so hard for us

all.

I'm depending on you, Mr Boone.

Hi, I've come about the job. Driver's mate.

Ken Boone.

Oh, yes.

Sit down.

Just get the list.

Well, it's all fixed.

Report to Mr Trevor in the loading shed at eight tomorrow morning. Mr Trevor.

Now, the main thing, Miss Rocky, don't let anybody in. No, no.

Don't mention it to anybody.

No, I'm sorry.

Yes, yes, all right.

You want to get a bit lonely in here, though.

Although, not with you here to talk to.

Hey, and you're sure Helen never comes in here? No, never.

Harry!

Tim!

Harry!

Long time no see. Well, well, well, how the devil are you? What are you doing

here, eh?

I mean, Grummageum got you up, didn't he?

Why don't you come and see my latest venture?

Oh, what's that then?

Jousted. Jousted?

Jousted! The full medieval bit done at Stately Holmes.

Sideshows, food and drink, music.

I tell you what, I could make myself a bomb here.

The last time I saw him, he was selling one -armed bandits for the Salvation

Army. Hey, listen, I'll tell you what.

I'm doing a show at Cottrell Hall. Now, we're setting up tomorrow. Why don't you

come and see it? Well, I don't know. Oh, it might be fun to have a look.

Oh, great.

Would you like some tea?

Wonderful.

The balls and the bell on the end.

See?

There, now.

Do you remember?

You ready?

Happy birthday, Alan.

Happy birthday, Alan.

Oh, I can't hear you, Laura.

It needs somebody with your contacts, Harry, your social standing.

Can't you ask around for me?

Ask around?

About processed meat. Throw yourself into it.

What, processed meat?

Interesting. Well, it's work, isn't it? It's a job.

What do you mind? I've got work on me, haven't I?

Work? You call that work?

What's your Ben Seymour jousting?

Oh, I rather like Ben Seymour. He's got a lovely smile.

Joe! This isn't part of that delivery!

It's all the same bloody stuff, isn't it? What bloody difference does it make?

The difference is, sloppy loadings lead to problems, right?

Problems like we lose orders.

Yes? On the new drivers, mate.

But... Leave it, I'll check it myself.

Yeah, Brian is the black knight and Mark is the white knight. They're great

lads, really. I was dead lucky to get them. They're my main attraction.

Who's the girl?

Oh, she's the damsel, the lady, the fighting of her.

Though, funnily enough, in real life, she's the black knight's wife.

Oh.

It's all stage management, of course. Every little move is worked out.

What's the matter with you? What did you do that for? Because it's better that

way. I told you that'll blow. I arranged the fights. Me.

But people are getting bored watching them.

Safety, boy, safety.

Shut up, Bri, and listen to what he's saying. You keep out of it.

Oh, artistic temperament, that's all, Harry.

She's got artistic temperament and all, has she? Don't talk to me about that.

Nothing but troubled tears.

Bri!

Union meeting, dinnertime, got a bit more information, and, uh, want

there.

Strong union here, is it?

Ah, it is now. Joe's taken it over.

I mean, I know he does a useful job. Somebody's got to look after our rights,

sure. But... Yeah, a meeting's in the lunch break.

No, it's not that.

It's all us and them to Joe. I mean, he's too aggressive, you know?

I can't accept change.

Yeah? Yeah, the days of us making our own meets are finished.

Important knowledge, that's the future.

But in the process, people lose jobs.

Oi, don't get me wrong.

I support what you're doing.

Well, Ben, I'm very impressed.

You wait till you see them at tomorrow's rehearsal for the press.

Full dress rehearsal.

I'm looking forward to that.

Oh, and Harry, bring the little lady with you, eh?

I rode in the ring every night. Why should I? That is a circus.

Look, if you waited.

Tell me so much. Why did you make me come up here?

Because of Mark, that's it, isn't it? Oh, don't be stupid.

Oh, get off.

Jane, come back here.

You know that tape I told you about yesterday? Yeah. It's come back, and

one's gone.

Where is it?

Upstairs. Can I have it, just to listen to?

Yeah, yes, I'm... And also, can you get me some keys so that I can get in when

there's no -one else around?

And I'll, um, I'll bring that P45 tomorrow, OK?

Yeah, that should be... Keys de Vogue, de Vogue Meats, etc,

etc.

Dear Keys, just to confirm my arrival...

And thank you for entertaining my son -in -law, Trevor, during his recent trip

to your factory.

One of the types of meat.

And for dictating a name.

For entertaining my son -in -law, Trevor, during his recent trip to your

factory.

How'd you get on?

Kind of.

I'm on a fascinating diet, God, oh.

Did you get the info on the meat?

No, not exactly, no.

Oh, Harry.

Look, I will, I will, I will. I promise.

I needed that stuff today. I'm going to go over there later.

I needed all the information. Well, tonight, in the dark, on your own.

Oh, yes, that's right.

I'm a big boy now.

Mr Crawford. Oh, can I help you?

Yes, I'm sorry to interrupt, but your porter said you might be able to help.

renting the Burnham cottage in the village, and I just arrived tonight, and

there aren't any like that.

Yes, well, I'll see what I can do.

Oh, thanks. I'm sorry to be a nuisance, but it's pitch black, and I don't know

where to find an electrician.

Well, I mean, that's what neighbours are for, isn't it?

I'll see who I've got free.

Oh, thank you. You're very kind.

I can fix that.

No, not you, Ken. You've got important business. No -one gets you on to it. No,

it's no problem, Harry.

It's on my way.

Oh, well, if you're sure.

Well, it's probably just the fuse blown.

You know what the wiring's like in these old houses.

Where are you from?

Texas.

All right, all right.

Hey!

Let me out!

Tell me who you are!

What's his knock in L .A.? No.

No, let me out.

Who sent you to spy on me?

Stanford? Sorry, sir.

Trevor? Is it Trevor, eh? Come on, let me out, please.

Go on, let him out, mate.

Or you're in big trouble.

Go on.

Let him out.

Now!

What happened to the lights up?

Oh, you bloody don't!

Bloody hell!

Lights!

Thought I'd come and give you a hand.

Good job I did, didn't I?

God, I'm frozen.

I could have died in there.

Oh.

Very interesting.

Okay. Who are you, please?

Private detective.

This is trouble's doing, isn't it?

No, Miss Woods.

She was worried about these.

Clever, eh? Putting them back, then taking another one.

You thought she didn't notice, didn't you? But she did.

What are you going to do?

Have me arrested?

You'd better come and have a chat.

In the warden.

Men have been with Sanford since it started. Just kicked out.

My own father included.

The whole meat process inside must have run down. Yeah, well, that's... Not that

at all.

Something very funny's going on here. It all started when Trevor joined the

firm. Trevor? Well, he's... Of course he's certainly not, I know.

But if you ask me, he's under some kind of gigantic fiddle.

That's why I've been looking through all those tapes.

It... Look, certain meats always come in late at night, right?

Trevor's always there, unloads them himself, and all the time they're in the

warehouse, he's...

Hovering over him like a broody hen.

Yeah, but why is that a fiddle?

I don't know. Something to do with paperwork.

What goes in doesn't come out, or vice versa.

And Trevor picks up the difference.

Something to do with the book bacon.

The book bacon?

Yeah. No, I mean, look, why should Trevor be fiddling his own father -in

best customer? He doesn't make sense, does he?

Unless the book were involved in the fiddle.

Exactly.

Oh, now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I mean, you were hired by Miss Woods to

do a job. You've done it. Wait a minute, Harry. Trevor went to see the book.

Maybe he's involved.

You've absolutely no evidence of that, except what he says. Take these back.

Hang on to them for a bit longer.

Now, I won't tell Miss Woods I've found them yet.

Eh? I'm not entirely convinced, but I'm willing to look into this.

Yes, but, Ken... I'm still working in her interest, aren't I? I said I'd

Sanford, OK?

Yes.

I want those boxes loaded into that van there.

And quick. I want to get going.

All right, all right.

All right, Carrot.

Here's your water.

You're on your own for a bit.

What's this doing in the wrong van?

I don't know.

I'm missing a Davout box. Where is it? I don't... Where in the hell's name is

the Davout box, you prat? Hey, come on. Anyone can make a mistake. Joe!

Get all those boxes out.

I'm sorry.

This clown has lost a box of bacon which would totally screw up my invoice. I

want it found.

Yeah, but... Find it!

Go on!

What can I tell you?

Yeah.

Listen, I need to look at the accounts.

If this is a paperwork fiddle, we need order forms, receipts, invoices.

be a Miss Woods file in what's name? Yeah, what's she do dinner time?

Canteen. Right.

Brian, it's not what it looks like.

You two -faced, deceiving bitch!

I trusted you.

I loved you. Brian, it's... Out!

Get out!

It's no use, Brian.

Hey, Rocky, come here.

Go and put your head in there.

He used to use them in the old days as a sort of... Who's that?

It's the damsel from the jail.

She didn't look very happy, did she?

Er, no.

She's probably a damsel in distress.

Joe Yeah,

listen Laura, what's the news from Harry?

He's not in yet

Look, love, try and get in touch with him and tell him I need that information

urgently.

Go on.

Oh, Helen, how very nice to see you here.

Look, um... Oh, sorry, folks.

I'll have to join you later, OK?

Harry.

I'm in deep trouble, mate. A theft.

What? Yeah, a thousand quid in wages vanished into thin air.

And it's got to be an inside joke, because how else would anyone know where

kept it?

And treacherous Blight Knights.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Blight Knights!

So, it's not real fighting, is it? Oh, no, no, no.

No, it's all played out beforehand, you know, like in wrestling.

And, of course, the White Knight always wins.

And away they go.

A tremendous strike to the Black Knight.

Unseating the White Knight. Well, I mean, yes, I mean, they've got to make

because they're blacky all the way, don't they?

But, in fact, Whitey wins in the end.

And then he carries off the damsel.

Wherever she is.

The squire's in attendance.

And the White Knight is getting to his feet.

The Black Knights armed with his favourite weapon, the double -headed

The White Knights arming with the broadswords as they move in for hand -to

combat.

The Black Knights on the attack.

Tremendous acts of the Black Knights and a flurry of blows against the White

Knights. Come on, the Black Knights!

No, you won't actually win. No, it's just a clever build -up.

Failing at the moment to penetrate the Black Knights' defences.

And the White Knights parrying very capably. And indeed.

Harry. The Black Knights getting through. The White Knights is over.

course. Shut up.

Well, ladies and gentlemen.

Brian. It would appear that the Black Knights is the victor.

We'll wait now to see whether the White Knights. What in hell's name is Brian

Flannery?

No, ladies and gentlemen. The victory does go to the Black Knights.

Look, mate, you've got nothing against us.

You're just going to make matters worse.

Hugh!

Not very ladylike, is it?

Who let Brian in?

He's gone.

I told you, mate.

Look, love, what is going on?

You practically killed that boy. Good, I wish I had.

He's a bastard.

I just thought that you and he were having a, you know. No, only to make

jealous.

And I didn't mean Mark as a victim, did I?

Vic!

Eh? Seymour's bloody cash box.

Put here under Brian's clothes.

Blimey. Planted it on him so he'd get the sack.

Now, you're saying... I saw him with my own eyes.

Mark. Just before the fight.

Well, why didn't you go straight to Seymour and tell him?

Brian's been inside for robbery.

He never would have believed he hadn't done it.

And Mark knew all that.

He knew he'd get the sack.

That's what he wanted to see.

So he could take over.

I'd better go and fetch Seymour.

This is all a little bit beyond me.

Stay here with her, will you?

Look, and make sure she don't get away, right?

Would you turn around and close your eyes, please? I want to take my top off.

I'm sure everything will work out, you know.

Honestly.

Hey, you're dead good at that jousting.

Mmm.

All right.

Thank God it's all here.

Now, I'll have to tell the police it was a false alarm.

Ben, this is a criminal matter, surely? Oh, no, no, no, Harry, no.

From now on, it's purely internal. I can deal with it, OK?

Right, where's the girl?

In the changing room.

Right.

Harry, Ken sent Laura. Ken is absolutely desperate for that to book research.

Laura, I'm in the middle of a major theft here and an attempted murder.

You're talking to me about bacon. I'll leave it out, will you?

All I'm doing is my job.

Come on, let's leave them to it. Run me back to Woodcourt, would you? They're

obviously going to be here all day.

Denzel!

The damsel's gone!

What? She's gone?

Gone? Yeah.

She told me to close my eyes, and then, well, she went.

Oh, well done, Rocky.

Oh, now what am I going to do?

She's gone, Brian's gone, Mark's off to the hospital. What am I going to do,

Harry? Well, haven't you got anybody else who could do it? No, no, no,

not. Oh, this is terrible.

I mean, what are the press going to say?

I'm one of them tomorrow and the rest of the season.

Harry, you've got to help me get them back.

Otherwise, I'm done for.

I wasn't there. Oh, Mrs. Sanford, I'm so sorry to come round like this when he's

just come back, and I know how exhausted he'll be after all the travelling, but

I've got to see him, urgently.

Well, you'd better come in, then.

Thank you.

We're in here.

Over here, now. Glad you used us to this.

My goodness me, what a pleasant surprise.

Oh, Mr. Sanford, I'm so sorry.

I've done a very foolish thing, and I couldn't rest until I'd come and told

in person.

Could I possibly see you on your own?

Well, surely you can't be as bad as all that.

Is it about the works?

Yes. Then you've no need to worry.

You can tell us all.

We're all shareholders, aren't we, chickens, eh?

Sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

Sit over here.

I'm terribly afraid I may have done the wrong thing.

I hired a private detective.

I beg your pardon?

A private detective.

There were some thefts from the filing cabinet, so in your absence, I took it

upon myself... Just take them out a minute for me, will you?

Yes, of course.

Glenn? Kelly?

Come on.

You did what?

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Skipper?

Skipper?

Skipper? Oh, no.

And you hired him without telling me? I know, I know. It was stupid.

Stupid?

It was absolutely idiotic.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because... Because I'm afraid of you, Trevor, that's why.

I thought you'd think the thefts were my fault. No, no. Amelia.

I wanted to get it all sorted out for you, Mr Sanford, so as not to worry you.

thought it was one of the workers trying to find out about redundancy. Yes, yes.

And then you saw this worker... Joe Barlow, yes. With the private detective

going through the filing cabinets together.

While I was at lunch.

Any idea what they were looking at, exactly?

No. I'm so sorry, Mr Sanford. Why?

You acted for the best, didn't you, Trevor?

And now you've told us about it, you can rest easy.

Leave it all to us.

Come on.

Anything for me, Harry?

Harry? Yes, all right, all right. Don't say a word, I know I'm late, but I have

got your information for you. Have you?

Yes. I had a long chat with Blakemore at the Chamber of Commerce.

Rocky? And? Harry?

Well, that's quite interesting, really, Ken.

The Vogue doesn't exist.

What? There's no such firm.

Nonexistent.

Rocky!

Sorry to phone you so early, love.

It's just that I'd like to know where Tilly's Circus is at the moment.

Yes, yes, I'll hold.

Hmm. What, you think your parents ran away to the circus?

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Hello?

What, Peterborough?

Thank you very much, sir.

Now, then.

Brian and Jane... Do you have to crunch toast in my ear? No.

Well, go off. Go to work, then. Go on.

You're quite sure about that, Debrook? Yes, Ken, I'm sure. Hello. What? Sorry.

Yes.

Where?

I most certainly will.

And thank you very much for calling.

Bye.

Somebody in Thrumpton's got the parrot. Ah, this could be your lucky day.

Yes,

I'd like to send a telemessage, please, to Peterborough.

Hi, Ken.

Hi.

Excuse the gear. I'm undercover.

I just came by to say thank you for rescuing me the other night. Well,

And to see if maybe you'd like to come round for a drink so I could thank you

properly.

Well, I was only there five minutes.

Oh, really?

If I had to get an electrician, he would have charged me a fortune for being a

tourist. Yes.

Please, say that you will.

First, it was up there, see?

Then it went on the shed roof.

Then it seemed to want to go in the hen house. Yes, yes, but where is it now?

Oh, they came and took it away.

Who did?

The people from the aviary.

Come on, you.

So, if the book doesn't exist, what are they... We'll have to open one and find

out, won't we?

Mr. Bowden.

Mr. Sanford would like to see you.

Now, upstairs.

Yeah, okay.

Into my office.

So, what has Mr Sherlock Holmes discovered?

Well, like I said, I'm pretty sure it's an inside job.

Meaning someone told you as much?

Yeah. No names were given, but my informant tells me these thefts were a

of staff trying to find out about your redundancy plans.

So Amelia was right.

Well, that doesn't seem too serious to me.

No, except...

Except, Mr. Boone?

Except, in the process of investigating that, I uncovered something a little

more sinister.

Go on.

Can I be frank, Mr. Sampson?

Of course.

I think your son -in -law has mixed up in some sort of racket.

My dear fellow.

My son -in -law?

Trevor?

Oh, you're way off the mark there, Mr. Boone.

Trevor loves this firm as much as I do.

He's a bit over... Ambitious, but dishonest?

No.

Something to do with, er, de Vooke bacon?

I've just spent a week with de Vooke in Amsterdam.

I've just fixed up a highly profitable deal with them, and I think the best

things... I thought the whole lie, please, Mr Boone.

Is to think no more about it.

Thanks very much for your efforts. We're all most grateful.

I've no idea what your fee is, but perhaps this will do.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Sorry, we're not open till ten. You know, it's Crawford, Woodford Park.

I lost a parrot yesterday and I think you've got it. An old lady in the

said you collected a parrot last night, right?

Sorry, I can't help you. Look, hold on, hold on, hold on.

She said you definitely picked up a parrot last night.

But not your parrot, I picked up my parrot. A parrot that had escaped from

aviary.

Look, mate, I've lost a parrot and you've found one, right? Not found,

recovered. Now, if you don't mind.

So why don't you let me see it, eh?

Because I pay good money for my birds and I'm not having the likes of you two

turning up on my doorstep telling me that you think they're theirs. I'm not

saying it is. I'm saying it could be. So why don't you let me see it? See if I

recognise it. No way.

That is completely unreasonable.

Well, that's tough because I haven't got your parrot. End of subject.

I don't believe this.

Look, I'm getting my solicitor and I'm coming back here again, right?

Right. And you'd better get yours and all because we're going to sort this

out properly, right?

Right. Right?

Right.

Did he give a reason?

Snooping through Miss Wood's filing cabinet.

She saw it, apparently.

Said her father, Havel, and me all lost our jobs. I don't know what we're going

to do.

Joe, what's all this about you getting a sack?

Hey, what did you do?

Trevor's going mad.

He's running out like a blue -ass fly to be checking all the orders.

He's loading up the Manchester run himself.

I mean, I've been taken off it.

I mean, he's taken it all on his own.

What's going on? If we knew what was going on, we wouldn't be sitting here,

would we? Wait a minute.

When's this Manchester run?

This afternoon.

What time? That's four.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Let's stick with me. Come on.

Take care, dude.

are on the way.

I never touched it, I swear.

I was coming round the bend, tried to avoid it, but it's worth it.

No,

no, stay lying down.

Yes. Can I help at all? I'm a nurse. This young man took a tumble, that's

Oh. Are you all right, pet?

Can you move your arms and legs?

Hmm? Say, can you say this? Oh.

Phone for ambulance, shall I? We've got a car phone in the cab. Oh, no, no, no,

I'll be all right, honestly.

It's just the shock. Oh.

He'll live.

Right, we'll be on our way, then.

Yeah, yeah, me and all.

You be careful on the bends in future, lad.

Don't lose the fuss.

One minute.

Boom.

Ah, Amelia.

That detective you hired.

Can you give me his address?

Here we go.

Hello? Yes.

And is there a home address?

Thank you, Amelia.

Either Royal Hill, Nottingham, or Woodcock Park in Ruthby.

Royal Hill.

Ruthby. Try Ruthby. It's nearer.

Yeah, looks like it.

Fancy old Sanford being involved.

Involved in what?

That's what we've got to find out.

How's it going?

It's taking a while.

Get away, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rocky's right behind.

Are you sure this is the place? Yeah.

Come on.

Look, are you sure they don't think I took this cash box?

The telegram said Seymour was desperate to have us back, Bri, on our own terms.

Oh, come on, it'll work out this time.

Mark won't be there.

I do love you.

Come on.

Let's put it down.

And I thought you were a family man.

So that was their game.

Importing pornography.

Sick.

Really sick.

Could someone call the police, please?

And, Harry, could you get that muck out of here? I find it extremely upsetting.

Well, now, tell us where they are. All we want is our property back. I just

don't know.

Help! Get them

inside.

Take them back in the house.

Wait for the police.

Now, don't come in. They're not coming into my house, thank you very much.

Put them in the van with their own filth.

Right.

Well done.

Get up!

Get up!

Well, now seems a good moment to introduce you to Jane O 'Brien, late of

jousting. Thanks for all your help. Oh, pleasure.

So, in this telegram... Late, O 'Brien.

I don't think this is quite the time.

It's all right, Mrs Stamford.

Rescue's on its way.

Well, now, Ken, once you've dealt with those two and I've dealt with those two

and sent her back to Seymour...

There's just one thing I'd like you to do for me. Oh, yeah?

Like what?

My client will address the parrot. If the parrot responds, as per that sheet

paper... Which it won't. If it does, then we are all agreed, are we not, that

that parrot is the one my client's lost.

Shall we proceed?

Yes. Right.

Our work takes us into strange byways, does it not? You can say that again,

mate.

Oh, Skipper.

Hello, Skipper.

Skipper.

Hello, boy.

Do you want a drink, Skipper?

Do you want a drink?

Oh, Harry, for God's sake, you're not at a funeral.

What?

Talk to him like you normally do. He probably doesn't recognise you.

Do you want a drink, Skipper?

Skipper, do you want a drink?

Do you want a drink?

What's the matter with him?

Perhaps, sir, it isn't your parrot.

I knew down well it wasn't.

Convergence, that's what you are. Skipper, will you say something?

Come on, come on. Well, I suppose, you know, one parrot looks rather like

another. He's traumatised.

He's in deep shock.

I want to have another go later on, when he's settled down. Look, look, you

agreed to the terms and you've lost, mate.

Hard luck.

No, Mr Brown, Mr Brown. Harry, leave it, just leave it.

Ken, I can't just leave it, look.

We've got to do something about it. Mr. Brown!

I can't help you any more, Harry. I've got a prior engagement, mate.

Miss Texas.

Well, I'm very glad, Ken. I'm very glad.

I mean, wait.

Taking your time about it, huh?

Well, righty -go for a drink.

As long as two

comes before three. As long as honey comes from the bees.

As long as...

Or the three musketeers