Original subtitles

Well, what kind of deal did you have in mind?

If you kiss my thing,

I'll let you walk out for ten bucks with it.

What?

You want me to suck your cock?

Dirty my knees?

You come all over my face and you want me to pay you ten bucks?

You gotta be sick!

And I ain't paying neither!

You creep!

I'm gonna punch you in the face!

What a creep!

I'm not paying either!

You're taking both shoes!

The jogging must have scrambled his brain!

And to you, angel ones,

this task has been assigned.

Are you prepared?

Yes!

Oh, yes!

I've waited so long!

Long?

You waited long?

Well, a thousand years seems like a long time,

even up here.

Angel ones, you understand your assignment?

Oh, yes.

Sidney Purtzer, age 37.

Sexual dysfunction causing severe psychological maladjustment which could lead to

premature termination.

Yes, yes.

We don't need him here yet,

but he's already planning the trip.

It's your job to make him happy about life on his own planet.

You are well equipped and qualified for this job,

and if you should succeed,

you will have earned your wings.

And you know what that means?

Oh, yes!

I'll be a full-fledged angel with all the rights and responsibilities of such a position!

And one last thing, angel ones.

Under no circumstances will you co-mingle.

Oh, no, sir!

That would change the course of human history!

Go then, and good luck.

I can't take this feeling,

no, no.

I just ain't the way to be.

A million doubts, just fine.

Ain't none of that for me.

With a hollow feeling,

I go reaching for a phone.

Granny says, Mary, save me,

is it so?

Sometimes I got a one-track mind and

I...

And I'm feeling so alone.

Some loving...

And I'm feeling so alone.

Hey!

Oh!

I'm feeling so alone.

Why am I off-limits to all these girls?

What's wrong with me?

I take a girl out, I pick her up in a limo,

I take her to the theater.

Best seats, orchestra.

Then I take her to dinner.

I spend a hundred bucks.

Then I take her home and I say,

how about a good night,

fuck?

And she says, okay.

Good night, fuck.

Hi.

Yeah, Jeannie?

Yeah, this is Sidney.

Yeah, Sidney, right.

I was thinking maybe we could get together tonight,

huh?

Oh, it's too bad.

I was kind of hoping on it.

What about tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night's no good either.

Oh, and you're also getting married.

Oh.

Yeah, well, congratulations.

Hello?

Yeah.

Bye.

That'll do it.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Who said that?

Who's here?

Who said that?

Oh, I must be going crazy.

That's what it is.

I must be going crazy.

Don't shoot.

I'll do anything.

Oh, I'm not here to hurt you.

I'm here to help you.

I'm Angel Burns, your guardian angel.

I must be dead.

I didn't take the pills and I must be dead.

Angel Burns, my guardian angel.

That's right, Sid.

We heard about your plight.

You're the winner of this week's heavenly bliss celestial lottery.

You've got my services for a week.

Celestial lottery?

Oh, look, I know who you are.

You're a private detective hired by my ex-wife.

So many of our winners are frightened at first.

Let me prove to you I'm real.

What?

Ask me to do something.

What?

Let's take that organ...

Please don't take it.

I'm not going to hurt you.

Now, that organ of yours hasn't seen nearly enough of...

what do you call it down here?

Pussy?

I mean, you'd be much happier if you fucked more,

right?

How do you know that?

Oh, we know a lot up there.

So you know what my problem is?

Well, mostly.

Although we don't concern ourselves with humans very much.

But judging from the scene this afternoon,

you've got a pretty good guess.

Oh, yeah?

Well, just because I don't get enough pussy doesn't make you any heavenly body.

Okay, okay, okay.

Just check this out.

Who the hell am I?

Only a dream.

Just be quiet and enjoy yourself.

Okay.

I'm coming.

Angel?

Angel?

Angel?

I must be going crazy.

It must be a dream.

It's a dream.

Angel?

Angel?

I must be going nuts.

Sydney!

Sydney!

Sydney.

Sydney.

There you are.

You know, I was reading your mind just a little while ago.

And I realized that you were wishing that someone was sucking your cock.

Is that right?

Yeah, but I...

And you've never had a really good blowjob,

have you?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've had a few.

Once with a prostitute.

And it was over before she could say,

don't come in my mouth.

I'll show you what a really good blowjob is like.

You gonna give me one?

Oh, I'm sorry.

We're not allowed to commingle with humans.

Oh.

Now, we only have one week together,

so let's make it good.

Look over some notes here.

Oh, according to this,

you've never had a teenager?

Having been a virgin until you were 27?

You've never fucked two women at the same time?

And never fucked anyone in the ass?

And just for kicks, you'd like to ball a stewardess,

right?

How am I doing?

Am I hopeless?

No, no, not at all.

Matter of fact, how would you like to start with that little nymphette?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, she wouldn't do anything.

I mean, she's already got what she wants.

She doesn't need me, no.

Don't be a schmuck.

I'm going to help you.

We'll start right now.

Damn it, I wish she wouldn't do that.

You know, I thought you were a dream.

I am.

No one can see me but you.

Right.

Well, there she is.

She's the one.

Say hello to her.

I can't.

Don't, Ron.

She won't bite you.

All right, all right.

Hi, remember me?

Yeah, sure, but only by the top of your head.

Now what?

Just watch.

But you know, in a way,

you're sort of cute.

Would you like to come inside and see my graffiti?

Sure, sure.

I just love graffiti.

Come on.

Ah, good.

There's nobody here.

There sure isn't.

I lied downstairs.

How's that?

Do you remember what you said to me in the store yesterday?

What?

What was that?

That you wanted me to kiss your thing.

Yeah.

Oh, you still want me to do it?

Well, you don't have to.

Don't be a schmuck.

Can I see it?

Well, if you insist.

Insist.

Well, let me see it, okay?

Sure.

Oh, that's big.

I just hope I can fit it all in my mouth.

Well, it is kind of big,

isn't it?

Tell her to hold your balls while she moves her head back and forth.

I can't do that.

Boy, you say the weirdest things.

Go on.

Tell her.

Might as well get the best out of this.

Hold my balls and move your head back and forth.

Feels better.

Yeah, it feels great.

Now tell her to hold her head steady while you ram it into her face.

I can't do that.

Go ahead.

She'll do it.

Hold it steady and let me ram my cock in your face.

Fuck me in the face.

You like that, huh?

Oh, yeah.

It's great.

Okay.

Now let me know when you're about to come.

I'll let you know.

I'll let you know.

I'm about to come.

Tell her you want to cream all over her face.

You sure?

Should I say this?

Listen, I want to cream all over your face.

Go ahead.

Cream all over my face.

Oh.

That was fun.

I never thought Bill would be able to get it up again,

but he did.

It screwed me so hard.

I'm still cooling my kitty.

I don't think I'll ever be able to wear panties again.

Can I help you, ladies?

Yes.

Bill has a big cock, but then,

of course, I always say that it's not the length,

it's the strength.

That's for sure.

Well, it may not be the biggest cock in the world,

but he has the greatest tongue.

Well, he took me all around the world,

and we never even left the bedroom.

Well, Jack's cock's about a foot long.

Oh, honey, it can't be that big.

Oh?

I guess you must have been a nine and a half.

I'll get it.

You should have seen the look on his face when I told him to eat me.

It must have been the way I said it.

Eat my cunt.

Well, and then he almost died when I told him to eat out my asshole.

No.

Oh, angel.

Then when he finally did get his tongue stuck way down deep inside,

oh, he gave me such a working over,

honey, that I had to have an enema.

Oh, Lord.

And then, when he finally got his prick deep down inside...

How did it fit?

Oh, tight, very tight.

Tight.

Oh, but it felt good.

Well, if you don't want something too tight...

I don't mind.

Well, I got something bigger.

Oh, yes, bigger.

How do they look?

Looks pretty good to me.

Good.

I'll take them.

Will you deliver them in about an hour,

please?

Well, if you want home delivery,

it'll have to cost more.

Sidney, don't be a schmuck.

But for you.

Don't worry, we'll make it worth your while.

We'll see you later.

A bottle of champagne.

A pound of caviar.

That's $3.20.

King.

Right, the door bill.

No, this is crazy, Jenny.

I mean, it really is.

What's crazy?

That guy at the shoe store.

I mean, we must have been there like a hundred times.

And I never noticed him before.

But I don't know what happened today.

It's like I saw him for the first time.

Do you suppose he'll come?

I'm sure he'll come.

I don't see how we could have missed him.

Of course, he's not really my type,

but...

For an older guy, he's really something else.

He's all wet and creamy just thinking about him.

Do you suppose he has a big cock?

Mm-hmm.

Well, we'll soon find out.

Are you sure I'm not interrupting?

Oh, you're not interrupting anything.

Uh, I have the shoes I brought.

Where should I put it?

Oh, I'll take them.

Hey there, how would you like me to sit on your face?

Uh, well, I, uh...

Well, let's see what that cock of yours looks like.

Why don't you take your pants down?

Well, uh...

Sidney.

All right, all right.

Well, now there's a tool we can work with.

Why don't you, uh...