Original subtitles

As if life isn't difficult enough for the hard of hearing, sometimes the

subtitles used to assist them will be completely wrong.

Here's my cooking show, Cooking with Matt, new episode coming at 80k

subscribers. Listen to what I say here.

It tastes like hot sugar off a sharp knife.

That was the name of your first album, wasn't it?

That was the name of your first album, wasn't it? A little gag there. But to

someone using closed captions, that becomes, did you guys name your face?

I'm going to make a batter out of the Jägermeister. Becomes a batter out of

yoga monster.

Becomes music and...

becomes applause.

These mistakes aren't just limited to YouTube videos of plebs in the kitchen,

either. Subtitles also fuck up on proper TV.

Observe. We might be bad at some things, but we are so good at killing that

there is supposed to say that we Brits are good at queuing. Welcome to the year

of the whores. It's supposed to be the Chinese year of the horse.

Anita faces a tough decision as she heads for Cockermouth.

So yeah, you can see how these are going to go. Something that is great at the

moment is crap.

And two lovely little boys. Oliver, who is 11, and Fraser is 10.

Gentlemen, it's been an honour sewing with you. Doctor Who referred her for an

illegal abortion, she says. Spain, Kuwait, Switzerland, and the United Arab

Terrorists. It was pitch dark, and not having his pathetic legs on, I would

celebrate buying a bone.

Just a nice bum.

Firefighters to deal with not just the fire, but the people in the middle of

road ejaculating.

Looks beautiful. Beautiful. And a hat which we think is from burglary. When I

feel low. When I feel blue. No way can this country ever allow Batman to be our

Prime Minister.

I did my job.

With a plum.

We've been showing nude pictures of party leaders. Today, the Queen and the

travelling in this cabbage.

And I think Dildo terrific job preparing our young men. Biggest criminal

masturbation in history.

Come on kids, behind the table. Find a place to shit. And be quiet.

Yep, I'm thinking of vagina.

Marathon bombing. He is 19 year old. Zooey Deschanel.

The inevitable ball bags of salad.

Tons of it. Six months to go before extra time.

Conceded after 13 seconds. But went on to eat their opponents 3 -1. Once again,

diarrhea does well. Football.

He called me melon. If you have a cup of milkshakes, me.

There are a couple of milkshakes who'll come. My wallet is gone.

Here we go. I realise how good I smell after being down in there. To stay a

of respect, so I've my boobs done for today. Girls, don't give up on that sex

offender. We need our brollies out, and it'll turn windy later in the week. And

heavy breasts on the west side of Scotland, eastwards, bringing some rain

the Nazi ghosts.

And lastly, a special shout -out to the Swedish political debate, which

accidentally ran the subtitles from a children's TV show.

Greetings, Earth creature.

I will build the best sandcastle in the galaxy. The latest invention, the

fantastic dinosaur train submarine.