Original subtitles

- Oh, yeah. You're ready to murder.

- Come on, dammit.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Stress wrenching, huh?

I figured you was over here wrenching

because of your fine-ass sister,

which I get.

But now that I see your sorry-ass face,

it ain't all grief.

You lookin' guilty as a motherfucker.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right?

I did something behind Quiet's back.

- So? - So?

I don't know what I'm gonna do about it, man.

I never lied to her before. - Hold up.

You saying you never lied to your girl before?

- No.

Hey! What you doing, man?

- Just checking to see if your bitch ass

got any nuts down there.

- You're going to get your answer

when I smoke your rusty ass.

- You make a run at me, I will end you.

Coroner gonna list your cause of death as everything.

Feel me?

- Mm-hmm.

- Mine.

- Heh, good morning, Quiet.

- Sorry, I slept in.

I forgot how good a pillow feels.

Is that our gun?

- Ah, don't worry about it. We'll get another one.

Roadkill was begging for some upgrades,

so I figured I'd just jump on it.

- You're in a very good mood. It's weird.

- I'm just excited to get out there

and show these losers what Quohn can do.

It's Quiet and John.

- No, I will not be participating in Quohn.

- Th-th-that's fine. Quohn's in the rearview.

Fuck Quohn!

Roadkill is ready to go.

The last thing we need to figure out

is the boomerang blast.

Now do we mount it,

or do we keep it in the back for emergencies?

- Back.

- It's going to be very hard to kill someone

with a gun that heavy.

- I'll have you know, I've killed tons of people

with a gun just like this,

dozens of dudes.

I'm a frickin' murder slut.

So should we, uh--

- No, no, she's not our responsibility.

We just have to focus on the mission.

- Right, the mission.

- Damn, there are some tight buttholes in here.

- We will be killing each other soon.

- You're outsiders. So what else is new?

Hey, Stretch Armstrong.

What's your sicky little wishy?

- Bitch, I ain't telling you shit.

What if it's birthday cake rules?

If I say my wish, it won't come true.

- Hmm.

- We wish for the same thing as all parents.

For our child to grow up happy, loved,

and wanting for nothing.

Nothing except the end of this world

and the rise of a new reality formed from his image.

- How about you?

Let me guess. A complexion?

- I wish to feel warm again.

- Well, you might if you stop lugging around

those massive fucking igloos. Holy shit.

- You guys talking about wishes? Overrated.

I don't even want one. You know why?

'Cause I'm living the fucking dream.

I told my bestie over here, and I was like,

I don't want the pressure. You make the wish.

I don't want to be on the hook for it.

- And my wish-- - Guess what I wished for!

I wished to exterminate humanity,

let somebody else take over for once.

- Now you see the shit I gotta put up with?

This freak got me smelling like Raid cologne.

- I wished for the ability to fly.

Pretty sick, right?

I was going to wish for a girthy ten-incher,

but, you know, I've never had any complaints.

- I find that hard to believe.

- So what did you wish for then?

- Oh, yes, I'm dying to know.

- To bring down the city walls.

- Which walls? - Of which cities?

- All of them.

When we win, all the walls will come down.

- Damn. You're making us all look bad over here.

- We just think insiders and outsiders

should finally be on an even playing field.

- Yeah. It's time for the outsiders

to get their fair share.

- I knew you two were stupid,

but I didn't realize you were naive.

It'd be cute if it weren't so sad.

- It's not naive to fight for a better world.

Oh, listen to yourself.

Do you think you're some kind of superhero?

Not with that greasy hair.

- O-kay, I think you look great.

And that's not objectifying. I'm just supporting.

- People need walls. It simplifies things.

You're either one or the other, inside or out.

Look, all of your wishes

are fucking stupid, okay?

Me, I'm gonna be invincible.

- Ooh, widdle baby wants to be invincible?

Hey, hey, why don't you wish for a diaper,

so you don't shit yourself and run away?

- Hey, we got plenty of diapers if you need 'em.

- Fuck off!

- Welcome!

To the much anticipated first round

of the Twisted Metal tournament.

12 cars will enter my labyrinth,

but alas, there are only eight exit passes

hidden throughout.

Be sure to snag one,

because if you attempt to leave the area without it,

well, you'll be killed instantly.

This is warehouse district warfare.

You'll know where a pass is hidden

by the pillars of red smoke.

All except for you, John and Quiet.

You two finished last in my qualifier,

so I decided to spice things up a bit

and give you two a small advantage

for today's bloody festivities.

This is a radar

displaying the precise location of all eight passes.

- Cheaters!

- And that's not all.

You'll also be getting a one minute head start.

- This is bullshit!

- Do you have a problem

with the way I'm running my game, Raven?

Good.

I hope you and your vehicles are ready, my drivers,

because it's time for the tournament to begin!

- So, what do you think, it's like a compass,

one of those arrow things?

Yo, maybe it's a line

that shows you what road to drive down.

That'll be sick!

- Whatever it is, I don't think it's worth

the target you put on our backs.

- Come on. Giving us an advantage

is like giving a lion a submachine gun.

We're going to crush this round.

And the next round we're going to destroy,

and the round after that

better kiss its sorry ass goodbye.

- Okay, well, let's just focus on this round first.

- Focus?

- I thought she should come with us.

To remind us of the mission.

She would want to be here.

Here we go.

- Roadkill, your one minute begins now!

- Let's tear this shit up.

Okay.

Looks like the closest pass is east.

Turn right here.

- Got it.

- Dude, turn! - Got it!

Not left, right!

Shit, John. Take the next left.

- Got it.

- John!

John, you good? - Yeah.

I have a great idea.

How about you drive and I do the map thing?

- But I drove last time. - I know, but, uh,

this is really important, and I really love maps.

- All right. - Okay.

- Ow. Jeez, ow! Oh, fuck. What the fuck, John?

- My bad.

- Jesus.

We can't blow this head start.

- Stand down, Stu.

- Oh, good, 'cause we're running out of this stuff.

- No, this isn't about conservation.

Yesterday, I really lost my cool.

But you've inspired me to not hold grudges.

- So you don't hate Grimm anymore?

- Oh, no. I want to rip out his spine,

but that does nothing for my legacy.

History remembers the winner, Stuart.

And much like the one-eyed Admiral Horatio Nelson,

I've got my eye on the prize.

- Yeah, well, we could all live our lives

a little more like Horatio Nelson.

Make a left, I think.

Oh, shit!

You should have went right.

- Jesus, John, we have the advantage.

Get it together.

- I'm sorry. There's so many triangles.

What was that?

Our minute's up.

There goes our head start.

- Don't fuck me now!

- Outta my way, kids!

Beep, beep!

Axel coming through!

- Yes. - Thank god.

Oh! Whose hand is that?

- Who cares? Let's just get the pass

and get out of here. - Relax.

Look, even with the radar,

it took us a while to find this place.

So it's going to take the others just as--

Hey, there!

Four of us going after one hot ticket?

Reminds me of the blow bang Where I met Brenjamin.

My jaw still clicks.

- Well, looks like we're having a party.

And what's a party without a clown?

- Two clowns!

- Keep your hands off the hand, you weirdo.

It's mine!

No, no!

- Fly, my little penguin!

- Stop him, Preacher!

- That baby's got a gun!

- Yes!

Whoo! I got it!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Get your hands off, bitch.

I called dibs!

- Come on, Stuart, let's scoot out of--

- Oh, man, I messed up.

- Nope, not gonna dwell on this.

There's still a few passes left.

- What is this ice made of?

Who the fuck shot that?

Oh, yeah, baby!

- Oh...

Looking for this?

- Yeah. And I'm gonna take it.

- I'd like to see you try.

You know, I'm not afraid to hit a girl.

- Good. 'Cause I'm not afraid to smash a pussy.

- You done yet?

- No, just needed a hand.

- Wait!

- Oh my God.

Oh my God, I fucking killed him.

Oh my God.

Sixth pass has been secured.

Two remain.

- What the hell happened to you!

- It turns out Vermin can really fight.

I can't believe the creepy crawler lady

got the pass.

Shit. It was in my hand.

- Jesus, what the fuck is going on today?

- It's my fault. I'm tilting.

- What the hell is tilting?

- You make a few mistakes, then you get in your head.

- No more superstitious bullshit.

We're a team, right? So we fix this.

- You're right. Hey, there are two more passes.

One's a few blocks away.

- All right, I'm taking a shortcut.

Come on!

Now your superstitious bullshit is rubbing off on me.

- Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Yes!

- Welcome back, Chuckie Floop.

- Holy shit, who said that?

New driver detected.

Would you like me to create a new profile?

- Fuck! Fine, start a new profile! Go.

Acknowledged.

New primary driver accepted.

Please state your name.

- Fucking Mayhem. Just come on!

- Welcome aboard, Fucking Mayhem.

- Holy shit, a car that talks, okay.

God damn it.

God, murder makes you extra sweaty!

- Initiating AC.

- Ah, thanks!

Okay, you can turn off!

Turn off! Turn the fuck off!

Acknowledged.

- All right, you got a name?

- My current designation VIN

is number 4, B as in Boy, 1, Q as in quattro--

- Yeah, Quattro's fine! You got to move faster.

Designation updated, Quattro.

Exterior damage sustained.

Shall I initiate autonomous navigation?

- No, I don't need your help.

I just need to get out of here.

- Shall I initiate autonomous navigation?

- Fine! If you think you're so good at driving,

just do it!

Acknowledged.

- Oh, hell, yeah.

Keep it steady,

and I'll smoke all these losers.

What?

Wait, this is the end?

How'd you do that?

- Maps. - Hmm.

- Check it out, Stu. We're about to win.

And I didn't think about Grimm even once,

not even his dinky little bike.

I can still hear it buzzing in my head.

What the hell?! - Oh, shit!

- Hello, chaps!

Thanks for the lift, Marcus.

- Son of a bitch.

That's not in the spirit of competition.

I'm going to file a complaint.

Goddamn it!

If that son of a bitch didn't get in our way

we would've come in first.

- They, um-- - No, Stu.

No words.

- Not trying to add any pressure,

but FYI, there's one pass left.

This is our last shot.

- Fuck!

Ah, shit! Those holy assholes beat us to it.

- It's almost time for Preacher's ba-ba.

And no one fucks with ba-ba time!

- I'm getting that goddamned pass.

Cover me.

- You look mad. - It's been a shit day.

Give me that pass.

- Shit!

I really should have tested this shit before now.

- My milking titty.

- Ew, it got on my hand!

- Where the hell did he go?

- I got the pass!

- Go, go!

Quiet, we gotta go!

- Go, go, go, go, go, go! Fuck!

John, this is it.

If we don't get that pass, it's over.

- Shit, he's fast.

- Preacher, we could really use your guidance right now.

- Kill them.

- He is risen!

I kill them in your name, Preacher!

- Oh my God.

- Our father who art a baby, hallowed be thy dick--

- Huh, boomerang blast.

- Do you see the pass?

- I hope he didn't blow it up.

- Just take it. It's a baby.

- I'm trying.

He's fuckin' strong.

Fuck you, Preacher!

- John!

Round over.

- No more unwanted back door visitors.

Seal her up.

- Are you sure you don't want me to do it?

I have thumbs and hands.

- Harold's got it.

Stu, I've been thinking.

You know everything I said before?

Eh, forget it all.

Grudges are back on the menu.

So are blood feuds and vendettas.

And when it comes to killing,

I just gotta lead with my heart.

You know? - Yeah.

- Oh, shit. Harold dropped the torch.

Don't pick it up. It's hot!

- Damn.

You really do know how to drive.

I hope that we can, well, you know, if you're down,

team up again in the next round.

- Saving Fucking Mayhem presets.

Fucking Mayhem presets saved.

- Hey, Quattro, could I, uh--

could I maybe ask for your advice?

Interface battery at 10%.

Entering sleep mode.

- Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Thanks for saving my ass out there, Quattro.

Acknowledged.

- Is there a lost and found for human children?

- I'll take the baby.

What?

The child will be safe with me.

Unless you would prefer to care for him.

- No, no, you have-- - Abso-fucking-lutely not.

- More square footage.

- Oh, look at you.

You'll want for nothing with Daddy Calypso.

Congratulations on surviving the first round.

Enjoy the moment.

Things only get harder from here.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got this little animal to delouse.

- So you guys didn't die?

Good job.

- Thanks. You too.

- Guess I'll go clean up.

- You good?

You seem... different.

- I'm good.

Um, I just...

well, I-I killed someone today.

- Oh. Was it your first?

Oh, I just assumed-- - I had a big body count?

No. I mean, I've done, like,

you know, hand stuff, like stabbing and shit,

but never went all the way

until today.

- Wow. Okay, um, uh,

tell me everything.

Who was it?

- Don't laugh.

Chuckie Floop.

And it was kind of whatever.

- Mm-hmm, I'm not laughing.

- I guess I just thought

that my first kill would be,

I don't know, with someone special?

- Ugh, no. It's better this way.

For your first you want to kill someone

you barely care about

and then never think about them again.

You know, just get it out of the way.

- How old were you when you had your first kill?

- Well, I was a late bloomer.

There was this blueberry picker in the O.C.

that just kept hassling me,

so I got him with my hatchet.

Although he didn't die right away,

so I'm not sure it officially counts.

It was just the tip.

- How's the kid?

- Uh, fine.

John... ow.

We can't afford another day like this.

This is life and death.

- It was just a bad day. I mean, shit happens.

- Not like today. I've never seen you like this.

- Well, maybe the stress of the round got to me.

Like you said, it is life or death.

- But you were fine in the qualifier,

With missiles falling from the sky.

So what changed?

John?

What's going on?

Is it us?

Is it me? - No.

It's me.

It's all me.

I'm sorry. - Sorry for what?

- For today,

for screwing up the radar,

for being so clumsy

on the smoothest fucking ice in the world,

for coming with you at all.

I lied to you, Quiet.

I made my own wish.