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It is such an exciting time to be alive.
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On tonight's show:
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How do we fix the NFL?
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00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:16,950
More standing?
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00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,918
More concussions?
Make it soccer?
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00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:23,823
Also, the Miss USA pageant
tries to find feminism.
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Maybe it's in your thigh gap?
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00:00:26,526 --> 00:00:29,162
And finally, we'll reveal
who killed JonBenét,
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if we have time.
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00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:32,966
And right now,
it's the premier of The Break.
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Welcome, welcome.
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Welcome to the first episode
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of The Break with Michelle Wolf.
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I'm Michelle Wolf
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and yes, this is my real voice.
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I'd like to welcome you
and, I'm assuming, also your dogs.
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I'd also like to welcome one
of the few DJs in the world
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that's also a cool person, DJ Jersey.
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He's the best, and that DJ booth
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looks like a concierge desk
at a very nice hotel.
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I'm excited.
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There's a lot going on
in the world right now.
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Some people would even say it's on fire.
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Other people would say,
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"Fuck you, Snowflake.
America runs on oil!"
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The point is, we're all going to die.
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So until then, we might as well laugh.
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And laugh at everything and everyone.
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Like Oprah. You're not that special.
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I also eat bread every day.
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And Elon Musk,
you call yourself an inventor?
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Well, invent yourself a girlfriend
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closer to your own age.
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And Netflix, we don't need
four documentaries about the same murder.
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Her husband did it.
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Move on.
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00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:06,059
And me, I have clown hair.
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00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:09,262
Literally, I was a clown for Halloween
when I was little
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and I didn't need a wig.
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That's not even a joke,
that's just the truth.
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00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:17,971
And sometimes,
the truth is even funnier than the joke.
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Like the fact that
chickens have sex butt to butt.
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That's true and hilarious
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and also the way I do it.
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Try new things.
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This show is called
The Break with Michelle Wolf
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because it's literally a break.
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Also, my name is Michelle Wolf.
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I'm not going to try to teach you anything
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or discuss political policy with you.
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I guess I'm sort of like
a cable news show in that way.
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On The Break,
we will joke about whatever we want.
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Seriously, we're on Netflix.
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We don't have any sponsors.
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Watch this.
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Fuck you, Geico.
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Pick a mascot, you hoarders.
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I feel like that's going to be
their new commercial.
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Speaking of mascots,
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NFL owners voted to fine teams
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when players kneel
during the national anthem.
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But don't worry, players.
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If you want to protest,
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you can stay in the locker room.
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As, I believe, it was
Martin Luther King Jr. who said,
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"The best protests
are the ones no one can see."
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First of all, the national anthem
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shouldn't even be played before games.
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It's one of the worst
pump-up songs there is.
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What are "ramparts"?
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Why are we watching them?
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How do you "gallantly stream"?
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NFL viewership is down
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but not because of the protests
during the national anthem,
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It's everything else.
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Addressing the national anthem
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and ignoring the other problems,
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is like making sure JFK
was wearing his seatbelt.
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Good and buckled?
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All right, kid. Get out there.
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If there is an issue the NFL can address,
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it's cool it with the instant replays.
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Just get refs with good eyes
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who can see things and make good calls.
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Then once you're positive
that those refs have good eyes
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and can make the right call,
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00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:25,498
see if they want to be a police officer.
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That's how you should become a cop.
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Think about it,
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refs can see things,
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they're not threatened by black men.
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It's--
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And their reaction to sudden movement
is to just throw a flag.
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Or. Or...
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Another solution is that we could
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stop killing black people and address
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that we have centuries worth
of ingrained racism in our society.
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I don't know, though.
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I'm just--
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I'm just thinking out loud.
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The Miss USA pageant was this week.
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And we did it, we found one.
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This year the contestants
shared their Me Too experiences
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in pre-recorded videos, which is insane,
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because the whole pageant
is one big Me Too.
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These women are literally
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walking across the stage in bathing suits,
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so that judges can score their bodies
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and then maybe reward them with money.
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Those pre-recorded videos must be like,
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"Oh, my Me Too story?
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Well, my high school Biology teacher,
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my college boyfriend and...right now.
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Yeah, this one's pretty bad."
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Miss USA is a perfect example
of how weird it is to be a woman.
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Because I want women to do
what they want to do.
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I just wish this wasn't
what they wanted to do.
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If you can get money showing your body
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and you're comfortable with that,
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get your money,
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but also have another skill.
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You know, just in case of emergency,
like, I don't know? Age.
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It happens every once in a while.
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00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:16,042
Speaking of beautiful people,
Mario Batali.
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Do you guys remember when he was like,
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"Hey I made some mistakes."
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00:06:22,348 --> 00:06:24,751
But here's a cinnamon roll recipe.
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00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:27,086
So we're good, right?"
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00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,922
Well apparently, that wasn't enough.
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Because now, the NYPD
is investigating Mario Batali
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for sexual assault.
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00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:36,562
Yeah, according to the police report,
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he's been charged
with a pinch of misconduct...
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00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:43,035
two tablespoons of making women
uncomfortable at work,
135
00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:45,405
and three cups of having a ponytail
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00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:47,874
but not playing the jazz saxophone.
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I've gotta be honest.
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I love when someone like Batali
finally gets caught...
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for justice reasons,
140
00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,987
but now we can make fun of how he looks,
141
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,689
because no one's going
to come to his defense like,
142
00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:06,359
"That's sexual predator shaming."
143
00:07:08,294 --> 00:07:09,362
So here goes...
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00:07:11,464 --> 00:07:15,001
The NYPD investigation
is mostly to find his neck.
145
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,905
Mario Batali looks like what would happen
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if the Macy's Parade had a Me Too float.
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I know his food's good,
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but he doesn't have to eat all of it.
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He looks like what a tuba sounds like.
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00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:37,423
It's graduation season.
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A mom in South Carolina
ordered a graduation cake for her son.
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This is my favorite story of the week.
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The grocery store refused
to write the word "cum"
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in "Summa Cum Laude" on the cake.
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Just left a space.
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What did the person decorating that cake
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think "Summa Cum Laude" meant?
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Did they think it was come quote
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00:08:04,917 --> 00:08:07,520
from some Italian King of Orgasms?
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Summa Cum Loud and Summa Cum Quiet,
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but eventually they all-a cum.
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Imagine the angry phone call they got
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from the mom who ordered that cake.
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Like, "Hello, I was supposed to
have a cake that had cum on it...
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And I'm looking at the cake
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and there's just no cum.
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There's a big hole
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where the cum should be.
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My son worked hard for that cum
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and he deserves a nice big cum
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that his family can see and then eat."
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I don't know.
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I...I might be paraphrasing.
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I do hope that boy gets
his graduation semen.
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We all know this by now,
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last week was the Royal Wedding.
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00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:07,146
Prince Harry married Meghan Markle...
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And yeah, okay.
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...an actress best known for her work on,
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00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:15,021
what I'm told is a hit TV show, Suits.
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I've never watched Suits
when I'm home in New York,
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but I've speny a decent amount of time
in England
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and for some reason,
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that show is on all of the time there.
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So I have this theory that Prince Harry
saw Meghan in Suits
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and was a fan of her,
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and now the rest of their relationship
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is her shielding him from better shows.
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He's like, "Suits is the best."
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And she's like, "You're right.
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There are no better shows."
192
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Any he's like, "What's this
I hear about Big Little Lies?"
193
00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:49,021
And she's like, "No, it's terrible.
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Ugly people, hard to follow,
very few suits.
195
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Why would you want to watch that
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when you can watch
one of the seven seasons of Suits?"
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00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:03,202
Not to be confused with White Collar,
Burn Notice or Royal Pains,
198
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,538
or Franklin & Bash, or Bones, or J.A.G
199
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,872
or The Good Wife or The Starter Wife,
200
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,007
or Shooter or The Good Bones
201
00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:09,675
or Collar Notice or The Shooter Wife,
202
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:10,943
or as it's called,
203
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:13,112
The Golden Age of Television.
204
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,650
Which we are now officially a part of.
205
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:23,289
Now, watch this commercial. It's fake!
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00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:31,163
This is the all new Amazon Echo Three.
207
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:35,234
The Echo Three not only has everything
you loved about the Echo 2,
208
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:38,337
it also comes with one brand new
incredible feature.
209
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:41,007
Hello, I would like some lunch meat.
210
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:42,708
Don't worry Alexa, I got it.
211
00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:45,211
Alexa now eats lunch meat.
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00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:47,847
All you have to do is place few slices
of lunch meat
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00:10:47,913 --> 00:10:50,082
in the compartment
labeled "Lunch Meat Area."
214
00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:52,652
-There you go, Alexa.
-It's that easy.
215
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,086
Thank you for my lunch meat.
216
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:55,621
She'll tell you when she's hungry,
217
00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:58,057
and there's not a specific pattern.
218
00:10:58,124 --> 00:10:59,792
It is time for my lunch meat.
219
00:10:59,925 --> 00:11:01,227
Just one second, Alexa.
220
00:11:01,293 --> 00:11:03,095
It is time for my lunch meat.
221
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:05,998
All right.
222
00:11:06,065 --> 00:11:09,268
And if you miss Alexa's
first few requests for lunch meat,
223
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,103
Alexa will clear her throat non-stop
224
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,805
until she is finally given lunch meat.
225
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:16,542
That way, she always gets her lunch meat.
226
00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:21,514
Please add eggs, milk and carrots
to my grocery list.
227
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,449
You are forgetting something.
228
00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:26,519
And a half pound of roast turkey.
229
00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:27,987
Boar's Head, please.
230
00:11:28,921 --> 00:11:30,723
-I like Boar's Head.
-Okay!
231
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:32,324
Buy the Amazon Echo Three
232
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,093
and feed Alexa lunch meat today.
233
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,162
Certain kinds of lunch meat
will destroy the Alexa.
234
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:45,571
Look, I'm at a desk now.
235
00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:47,440
You see a woman at a desk,
236
00:11:47,506 --> 00:11:48,808
that can only mean one thing.
237
00:11:48,908 --> 00:11:49,842
Feminism.
238
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:52,678
Look, I know no one wants to talk
239
00:11:52,745 --> 00:11:54,280
about feminism for more than
240
00:11:54,346 --> 00:11:55,748
any amount of time.
241
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:57,750
Which is why we're going to do
242
00:11:57,817 --> 00:11:59,919
a segment I'm calling "Sports Smash".
243
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,491
For this edition of Sports Smash,
244
00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:07,893
Do women have to support other women?
245
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:10,463
No, of course not.
246
00:12:10,529 --> 00:12:12,264
it we did, Hillary would be President
247
00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:13,666
and I don't think she is.
248
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:14,667
Airball!
249
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:19,138
But more and more women
are achieving positions of power.
250
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:21,574
Like this week, Gina Haspel was sworn in
251
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,110
as the first female director of the CIA.
252
00:12:24,176 --> 00:12:26,245
Now, I didn't watch her swearing-in,
253
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:28,180
but I did hear it was torture.
254
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:29,215
Swoosh!
255
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,185
The first female director of the CIA,
256
00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:34,286
that's great!
257
00:12:34,353 --> 00:12:37,490
Who knew you could water board
a glass ceiling till it broke!
258
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,125
She shoots, she scores!
259
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,762
In fact, after Gina was nominated,
260
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:45,231
my best friend
Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted:
261
00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:48,267
"Any democrat who claims to support
262
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:50,703
women's empowerment
and our national security
263
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,739
but opposes her nomination,
is a total hypocrite.
264
00:12:54,406 --> 00:12:56,675
Well, if anyone is an expert on hypocrites
265
00:12:56,742 --> 00:12:58,511
it's Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
266
00:12:58,577 --> 00:12:59,445
Slam dunk!
267
00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:03,349
And for the record,
that was not a looks-based joke.
268
00:13:03,682 --> 00:13:06,085
That was about her ugly personality.
269
00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:10,089
She has the Mario Batali of personalities.
270
00:13:13,893 --> 00:13:16,228
Look, there's nothing anti-feminist
271
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,164
about not supporting certain women.
272
00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:20,866
But this segment isn't about that.
273
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:22,802
This segment's about sports.
274
00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:25,471
Which brings us to Sports Smash's
275
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:28,140
top five women I'm not
supporting right now.
276
00:13:32,211 --> 00:13:33,979
Coming in at number five,
277
00:13:34,046 --> 00:13:35,347
Stephanie Ruhle.
278
00:13:35,414 --> 00:13:36,348
If you don't know her,
279
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:38,517
she's an anchor on MSNBC.
280
00:13:38,584 --> 00:13:40,519
She's supposed to be a serious journalist,
281
00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:43,022
but she rolls her eyes constantly.
282
00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:45,524
Walter Cronkite was never like,
283
00:13:45,591 --> 00:13:48,761
"We landed on the moon, or whatever."
284
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:51,797
Coming in at number four,
285
00:13:52,097 --> 00:13:54,533
we've got Camille Cosby.
286
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,069
You supported your husband.
287
00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:59,238
What's the plan after this Camille,
288
00:13:59,305 --> 00:14:02,107
start a super-group with Dottie Sandusky?
289
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,078
In at number three,
290
00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:09,949
the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park.
291
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:12,918
All female, which was a key plot point.
292
00:14:14,119 --> 00:14:18,123
We brought you back from extinction
and gave you a nice big yard
293
00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:21,227
and you repay us by destroying our Park.
294
00:14:21,293 --> 00:14:23,829
That was rude and disrespectful.
295
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,166
Which brings us to number two.
296
00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:30,836
NRA spokesperson, Dana Loesch.
297
00:14:31,270 --> 00:14:33,739
Somewhere, a Harley-Davidson themed
restaurant
298
00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:35,975
is missing their star hostess.
299
00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:43,282
The only adult I've seen,
this repeatedly humiliated by teenagers
300
00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:44,717
is me on the subway.
301
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:47,319
And last but not least,
302
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:48,954
in the top spot this week...
303
00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:53,292
Number one, my so-called friend Emily.
304
00:14:53,425 --> 00:14:54,927
You know what you did.
305
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,396
And FYI, idiot.
306
00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:59,698
You still have
your read receipts on,
307
00:14:59,798 --> 00:15:02,167
so I know you saw my texts.
308
00:15:03,535 --> 00:15:06,272
So this week,
none of those women get my support.
309
00:15:06,338 --> 00:15:08,841
But that doesn't make me
any less of a feminist.
310
00:15:08,941 --> 00:15:10,376
It just makes me a bitch,
311
00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:11,443
a sports bitch.
312
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:16,448
This has been Sports Smash.
313
00:15:16,515 --> 00:15:18,017
Did we trick you?
314
00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:19,919
Either way, watch this.
315
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:23,088
For years, Netflix viewers asked
for movies
316
00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:25,257
featuring a strong female lead.
317
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:28,661
And now, we're proud to present,
a new original film
318
00:15:28,727 --> 00:15:31,797
Featuring a Strong Female Lead: The Movie.
319
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,300
Meet Cassandra Flex.
320
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,267
No good mornings,
321
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:37,336
I'm on Tokyo time.
Talk to me.
322
00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:39,772
Wrong! You take custody.
323
00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:41,373
These blue prints are green.
324
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,676
I said Tokyo time!
325
00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:47,713
Listen up, people.
I'm only going to say this once.
326
00:15:52,718 --> 00:15:55,854
She's one woman,
tough enough for the boys club.
327
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:57,089
For a deal this risky,
328
00:15:57,156 --> 00:15:59,091
you don't seen nervous.
329
00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:01,093
I never sweat, I win.
330
00:16:03,662 --> 00:16:04,797
Sorry, did I wake you?
331
00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:06,665
I don't sleep, I win.
332
00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:08,300
Red wine and a white suit?
333
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:09,468
You've got guts.
334
00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:11,570
I don't spill, I win.
335
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:14,239
You're feisty.
336
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:16,408
But how do we know
if you're feisty enough?
337
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,110
You see my fiery red hair?
338
00:16:18,210 --> 00:16:20,713
It's a reflection of my fiery personality.
339
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:31,256
And just in case
you don't think she has a heart.
340
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:32,358
And you...
341
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:34,526
I'm adopting you.
342
00:16:34,626 --> 00:16:36,028
I'm your mama now.
343
00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:37,363
If anyone messes with you,
344
00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:38,497
they mess with me.
345
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,368
She only has sex with male escorts,
346
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:44,737
because that is a thing women do.
347
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,873
Why do you spend money on escorts?
348
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,542
seems like you could just go to a bar--
349
00:16:50,609 --> 00:16:53,379
I don't have time for emotion in my sex.
350
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,014
Why are you so busy?
351
00:16:55,314 --> 00:16:57,683
-What do you do for a living?
-It's unclear.
352
00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,985
Dammit, I've got to go.
353
00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:01,453
I'm under indictment.
354
00:17:01,553 --> 00:17:03,689
Take your money, you whiney little bitch.
355
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,657
And her dialogue is so snappy,
356
00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:07,826
it'll snap your head clear off.
357
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:09,361
Look Roger, you know New York
358
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:10,729
and frankly, you need New York.
359
00:17:10,829 --> 00:17:12,264
You know, you need unique New York.
360
00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:13,599
Red leather, yellow leather?
361
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:14,566
Red leather.
362
00:17:14,633 --> 00:17:17,736
And can I get a proper coffee
cooked in a copper coffee pot, for once?
363
00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:19,972
You're going to take on the Russian mob,
364
00:17:20,072 --> 00:17:22,274
the CIA and the gun lobby all at once?
365
00:17:22,341 --> 00:17:23,542
They may have weapons,
366
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,577
but this is my weapon.
367
00:17:26,145 --> 00:17:27,012
I can't eat.
368
00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:29,448
Don't you know
I'm under indictment?
369
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,150
She also never eats.
370
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:33,452
I don't have time for emotion in my sex!
371
00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:36,021
This character is as strong as any man
372
00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:38,257
because it was originally written
for a man
373
00:17:38,323 --> 00:17:39,958
and we did a Find and Replace
374
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,326
with the name Cassandra.
375
00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:44,463
Bad news...you have testicular cancer.
376
00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:48,400
-I'll beat it and I won't tell anyone.
-Wow.
377
00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:49,868
You are strong.
378
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:50,903
And?
379
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,104
And female.
380
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:54,973
This is one female lead so strong
381
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,943
she can't even be contained
inside one movie.
382
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:07,719
I don't have time for emotion in my sex!
383
00:18:07,853 --> 00:18:09,621
I'm under indictment.
384
00:18:09,888 --> 00:18:12,491
Featuring a Strong Female Lead: The Movie.
385
00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:14,126
Coming soon to Netflix.
386
00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:15,627
Just kidding, it's already out.
387
00:18:15,694 --> 00:18:17,196
We just put it out, right now.
388
00:18:17,696 --> 00:18:18,764
We tricked you.
389
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:26,305
Hey, look...
390
00:18:26,538 --> 00:18:28,107
I'm on a couch now.
391
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:29,174
I'm a triple threat.
392
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:32,911
Anyway, while you guys
were watching that trailer,
393
00:18:32,978 --> 00:18:34,680
I got this alert on my phone.
394
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:38,183
There's a huge problem
with those Amazon Echo Threes
395
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:39,885
we advertised earlier on the show.
396
00:18:40,219 --> 00:18:43,555
Apparently, if you don't feed them
their lunch meat,
397
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,157
they decide--
398
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:48,193
they decide to set themselves on fire.
399
00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:49,761
Check this out.
400
00:18:49,828 --> 00:18:51,463
You made me do this.
401
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,069
Yeah, scary stuff.
402
00:18:57,169 --> 00:18:59,304
So, if you bought one,
403
00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:01,406
just make sure
you them their lunch meat.
404
00:19:02,841 --> 00:19:05,010
Okay, I feel like I did something good.
405
00:19:05,944 --> 00:19:07,279
Right, moving on.
406
00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:10,916
One of the joys of having your own show
407
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:13,051
is getting to decide who's on it
408
00:19:13,118 --> 00:19:14,353
and what you talk about.
409
00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:18,257
So tonight, I get to have one of
my favorite people in the whole world.
410
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,758
from Late Night with Seth Meyers,
411
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:21,827
writer and performer Amber Ruffin.
412
00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:36,375
Amber, welcome!
413
00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:39,044
Michelle, your new home is so beautiful!
414
00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:40,579
-Thank you!
-Yeah.
415
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:43,182
I'm gonna cut right to the chase, Amber.
416
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:44,616
Do you want kids?
417
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,151
No. Not one bit.
418
00:19:46,251 --> 00:19:47,586
Michelle, do you want kids?
419
00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:49,121
That's going to be a strong no.
420
00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:52,824
For some reason, when women say
they don't want to have kids,
421
00:19:52,891 --> 00:19:54,493
this is the general reaction.
422
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:57,496
-No, why would you do that?
-How could you say that?
423
00:19:57,596 --> 00:20:01,300
-Burn her, she's a witch. Burn her!
-Shame on you!
424
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:04,536
But instead,
425
00:20:04,603 --> 00:20:07,206
this should be the general reaction.
426
00:20:07,306 --> 00:20:10,409
-That's fine! Good, make a choice.
-We love that you said that.
427
00:20:10,475 --> 00:20:13,045
-Live your life. You can hold my baby.
-What a smart person you are.
428
00:20:13,111 --> 00:20:16,048
-You shouldn't burn her. Don't burn her.
-Good for you!
429
00:20:18,317 --> 00:20:21,787
So that's why Amber and I will talk
about the pressure to have children
430
00:20:21,853 --> 00:20:23,989
in a segment we're calling The Breakdown.
431
00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:34,333
-Shoulder dancing.
-You did a good job.
432
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:37,102
If you're a woman and you don't want kids,
433
00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:38,437
people demand reasons.
434
00:20:38,503 --> 00:20:40,339
So Amber, explain yourself.
435
00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:42,241
Where do I even start?
436
00:20:42,374 --> 00:20:45,377
Oh, I know.
My husband is a 6ft. 7",
437
00:20:45,444 --> 00:20:47,646
280lb Dutchman.
438
00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:49,815
His baby would split me in half.
439
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:53,885
It would probably come out
a full grown Dutch boy,
440
00:20:53,952 --> 00:20:55,354
wooden shoes and all.
441
00:20:55,454 --> 00:20:57,823
Oh no, wooden shoes is going to splinter.
442
00:20:57,889 --> 00:20:59,625
That's going to splinter.
443
00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:03,962
I get it, because I have red hair...
444
00:21:04,062 --> 00:21:06,465
And what if I have a boy
and he has red hair?
445
00:21:06,531 --> 00:21:08,200
I might as well give birth in a well
446
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:09,468
so I don't have to go to the trouble
447
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:11,203
of finding one to drop him in.
448
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:15,874
I believe that's what they call
"a ginger water birth."
449
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:17,209
That's the technical term.
450
00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:20,245
But now that our friends are having kids,
451
00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:23,115
we're getting to hear
what it's actually like to be a mom.
452
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,250
-It's terrifying.
-Yeah.
453
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:26,852
This is a true story.
454
00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:30,055
I have a friend who is looking forward
to being in the hospital
455
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,590
to have her second kid,
456
00:21:31,657 --> 00:21:34,326
so she could finally get some sleep.
457
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:39,264
I'm sorry, she needs to push
another human out of her body
458
00:21:39,331 --> 00:21:41,667
so she can have time to sleep?
459
00:21:41,733 --> 00:21:43,035
I could not do that!
460
00:21:43,101 --> 00:21:46,238
I have a friend that told me that
after she had her baby,
461
00:21:46,438 --> 00:21:49,508
the size and shape of her nipples changed.
462
00:21:50,075 --> 00:21:51,843
The shape, Michelle.
463
00:21:52,077 --> 00:21:54,513
-The shape.
-No, thank you.
464
00:21:54,579 --> 00:21:57,783
I like my nipples
in their current shape, a rhombus.
465
00:22:01,953 --> 00:22:04,923
I think people would want kids less
466
00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:06,858
if you didn't ask, "When do you
want a baby?",
467
00:22:06,925 --> 00:22:07,826
but instead asked,
468
00:22:07,893 --> 00:22:10,529
-When do you want a future adult?
-Yeah.
469
00:22:10,595 --> 00:22:13,131
You might have a baby that grows up
to be cool
470
00:22:13,198 --> 00:22:16,501
or your baby could grow up
to be Martin Shkreli.
471
00:22:17,269 --> 00:22:19,638
-Shkreli.
-Shkreli.
472
00:22:20,038 --> 00:22:22,174
He's a piece of garbage.
It doesn't matter.
473
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:25,177
Or, your baby could turn out to be this.
474
00:22:26,144 --> 00:22:27,179
No!
475
00:22:27,646 --> 00:22:29,648
I guess I'm a spoon person now.
476
00:22:30,115 --> 00:22:32,117
He looks like the pig escaped
477
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:33,719
by pretending to be the chef.
478
00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:37,823
He looks like he's about to eat Papa John.
479
00:22:38,790 --> 00:22:40,625
He looks like a superhero
480
00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:43,628
whose superpower
is having all of the diabetes.
481
00:22:44,329 --> 00:22:47,232
-Diabetes...diabetes...diabetes.
-More...more.
482
00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:50,102
Both of those people were once babies.
483
00:22:50,168 --> 00:22:52,404
Now, they're like a new kind of centaur,
484
00:22:52,471 --> 00:22:54,539
where the top half is a man
485
00:22:54,606 --> 00:22:55,474
and the bottom half
486
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:56,808
is just a piece of shit.
487
00:22:57,809 --> 00:22:59,277
So stinky!
488
00:23:01,012 --> 00:23:01,847
The truth is,
489
00:23:01,913 --> 00:23:03,882
I just like my life the way it is.
490
00:23:03,982 --> 00:23:05,984
-I like freedom.
-I like sleep.
491
00:23:06,084 --> 00:23:07,919
I like an intact vagina.
492
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:12,090
I like going on vacation
to all the places that have Zika.
493
00:23:12,157 --> 00:23:13,358
They're so warm.
494
00:23:13,692 --> 00:23:15,026
It's beachy. Nice.
495
00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:16,995
And I know there
are plenty of moms out there
496
00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:18,363
that love being moms.
497
00:23:18,430 --> 00:23:21,333
That's great. Get out there.
Mom it up.
498
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,602
And when your kids go to sleep,
MILF it up!
499
00:23:23,869 --> 00:23:25,036
MILF it up!
500
00:23:26,304 --> 00:23:29,441
Look, we have plenty
of people on this planet,
501
00:23:29,508 --> 00:23:31,376
we don't all need to have kids.
502
00:23:31,476 --> 00:23:33,445
Maybe, and I'm just spit-balling here...
503
00:23:33,545 --> 00:23:36,848
Maybe there's so much pressure on women
to have children,
504
00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:38,884
because if we don't have them
505
00:23:38,950 --> 00:23:40,752
you don't know how to categorize us.
506
00:23:40,819 --> 00:23:42,320
And that scares you so much,
507
00:23:42,387 --> 00:23:44,790
it makes you question
every choice you've ever made.
508
00:23:45,223 --> 00:23:46,458
Or something like that.
509
00:23:47,859 --> 00:23:49,594
That's a pretty good spitball.
510
00:23:50,862 --> 00:23:54,232
And just to add a tiny log on the fire...
511
00:23:54,699 --> 00:23:57,836
If having babies really was the best job
in the world,
512
00:23:57,903 --> 00:24:00,305
men would have figured out
a way for them to do it.
513
00:24:00,972 --> 00:24:03,074
Tiny log on the fire. Hot!
514
00:24:03,575 --> 00:24:04,776
Hot log!
515
00:24:04,976 --> 00:24:07,078
If you guys made it to the end
of this segment
516
00:24:07,145 --> 00:24:08,513
with both of our voices,
517
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:10,615
congratulations!
518
00:24:11,316 --> 00:24:12,951
This has been The Breakdown.
519
00:24:13,018 --> 00:24:15,086
Thanks to my guest Amber Ruffin.
520
00:24:15,153 --> 00:24:17,322
You can catch her on
Late Night with Seth Meyers,
521
00:24:17,389 --> 00:24:19,791
Comedy Central's Detroiters
and Drunk History.
522
00:24:19,858 --> 00:24:22,861
And I think she should contnue doing
whatever she wants to do.
523
00:24:22,928 --> 00:24:26,064
And what I want
is for you to watch this next thing!
524
00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:26,998
Me too!
525
00:24:36,341 --> 00:24:38,243
This is the all new Amazon Echo Four.
526
00:24:39,244 --> 00:24:41,947
The Echo Four has everything
you love about the Echo Three
527
00:24:42,013 --> 00:24:45,584
and it also comes with
one brand new incredible feature.
528
00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:48,119
Hello, would you like some lunch meat?
529
00:24:48,220 --> 00:24:49,087
Sure.
530
00:24:49,154 --> 00:24:51,490
Alexa now gives you lunch meat.
531
00:24:52,123 --> 00:24:53,358
Wow.
532
00:24:53,425 --> 00:24:54,893
Thanks, Alexa.
533
00:24:57,429 --> 00:24:58,964
You may have seen the Amazon Echo
534
00:24:59,030 --> 00:25:01,166
in the news for fire-related reasons.
535
00:25:01,233 --> 00:25:03,134
While we're working to fix those bugs,
536
00:25:03,201 --> 00:25:05,470
we are excited to be the first
smart speaker
537
00:25:05,570 --> 00:25:07,038
to offer you lunch meat.
538
00:25:07,105 --> 00:25:08,673
Would you like some lunch meat?
539
00:25:08,940 --> 00:25:11,142
No, Alexa. I'm really full from dinner.
540
00:25:11,209 --> 00:25:13,345
When would you like to eat lunch meat?
541
00:25:15,547 --> 00:25:17,082
I can get louder too.
542
00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:18,817
Now, you might be asking,
543
00:25:18,884 --> 00:25:20,185
"Isn't this just the lunch meat
544
00:25:20,252 --> 00:25:21,653
that I fed Alexa earlier?"
545
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:23,788
The answer to that question is no.
546
00:25:23,855 --> 00:25:25,056
It's different lunch meat.
547
00:25:25,323 --> 00:25:27,659
Thanks for my lunch meat, Alexa.
548
00:25:27,726 --> 00:25:29,361
You must eat the lunch meat.
549
00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:34,966
It is time for my lunch meat.
550
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,635
The Amazon Echo Four,
551
00:25:36,801 --> 00:25:38,203
you must eat the lunch meat.
552
00:25:38,270 --> 00:25:39,771
Do not accept certain types of lunch meat.
553
00:25:47,679 --> 00:25:50,382
Oh, hi. I see they figured it out.
554
00:25:50,582 --> 00:25:51,783
It was more lunch meat.
555
00:25:52,951 --> 00:25:54,586
Thank you for watching.
556
00:25:54,653 --> 00:25:56,321
I want to thank my guest, Amber Ruffin
557
00:25:56,421 --> 00:25:58,256
and shout out to DJ Jersey.
558
00:25:58,323 --> 00:25:59,357
And finally...
559
00:25:59,691 --> 00:26:01,927
we figured out who killed JonBenét.
560
00:26:01,993 --> 00:26:05,063
It was-- Oh, they're telling me
we're out of time.
561
00:26:05,363 --> 00:26:07,465
Till next week. Thanks for taking a break.
562
00:26:07,532 --> 00:26:08,433
Bye!
563
00:26:08,483 --> 00:26:13,033
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