Original subtitles

It is such an exciting time to be alive.

On tonight's show:

How do we fix the NFL?

More standing?

More concussions? Make it soccer?

Also, the Miss USA pageant tries to find feminism.

Maybe it's in your thigh gap?

And finally, we'll reveal who killed JonBenét,

if we have time.

And right now, it's the premier of The Break.

Welcome, welcome.

Welcome to the first episode

of The Break with Michelle Wolf.

I'm Michelle Wolf

and yes, this is my real voice.

I'd like to welcome you and, I'm assuming, also your dogs.

I'd also like to welcome one of the few DJs in the world

that's also a cool person, DJ Jersey.

He's the best, and that DJ booth

looks like a concierge desk at a very nice hotel.

I'm excited.

There's a lot going on in the world right now.

Some people would even say it's on fire.

Other people would say,

"Fuck you, Snowflake. America runs on oil!"

The point is, we're all going to die.

So until then, we might as well laugh.

And laugh at everything and everyone.

Like Oprah. You're not that special.

I also eat bread every day.

And Elon Musk, you call yourself an inventor?

Well, invent yourself a girlfriend

closer to your own age.

And Netflix, we don't need four documentaries about the same murder.

Her husband did it.

Move on.

And me, I have clown hair.

Literally, I was a clown for Halloween when I was little

and I didn't need a wig.

That's not even a joke, that's just the truth.

And sometimes, the truth is even funnier than the joke.

Like the fact that chickens have sex butt to butt.

That's true and hilarious

and also the way I do it.

Try new things.

This show is called The Break with Michelle Wolf

because it's literally a break.

Also, my name is Michelle Wolf.

I'm not going to try to teach you anything

or discuss political policy with you.

I guess I'm sort of like a cable news show in that way.

On The Break, we will joke about whatever we want.

Seriously, we're on Netflix.

We don't have any sponsors.

Watch this.

Fuck you, Geico.

Pick a mascot, you hoarders.

I feel like that's going to be their new commercial.

Speaking of mascots,

NFL owners voted to fine teams

when players kneel during the national anthem.

But don't worry, players.

If you want to protest,

you can stay in the locker room.

As, I believe, it was Martin Luther King Jr. who said,

"The best protests are the ones no one can see."

First of all, the national anthem

shouldn't even be played before games.

It's one of the worst pump-up songs there is.

What are "ramparts"?

Why are we watching them?

How do you "gallantly stream"?

NFL viewership is down

but not because of the protests during the national anthem,

It's everything else.

Addressing the national anthem

and ignoring the other problems,

is like making sure JFK was wearing his seatbelt.

Good and buckled?

All right, kid. Get out there.

If there is an issue the NFL can address,

it's cool it with the instant replays.

Just get refs with good eyes

who can see things and make good calls.

Then once you're positive that those refs have good eyes

and can make the right call,

see if they want to be a police officer.

That's how you should become a cop.

Think about it,

refs can see things,

they're not threatened by black men.

It's--

And their reaction to sudden movement is to just throw a flag.

Or. Or...

Another solution is that we could

stop killing black people and address

that we have centuries worth of ingrained racism in our society.

I don't know, though.

I'm just--

I'm just thinking out loud.

The Miss USA pageant was this week.

And we did it, we found one.

This year the contestants shared their Me Too experiences

in pre-recorded videos, which is insane,

because the whole pageant is one big Me Too.

These women are literally

walking across the stage in bathing suits,

so that judges can score their bodies

and then maybe reward them with money.

Those pre-recorded videos must be like,

"Oh, my Me Too story?

Well, my high school Biology teacher,

my college boyfriend and...right now.

Yeah, this one's pretty bad."

Miss USA is a perfect example of how weird it is to be a woman.

Because I want women to do what they want to do.

I just wish this wasn't what they wanted to do.

If you can get money showing your body

and you're comfortable with that,

get your money,

but also have another skill.

You know, just in case of emergency, like, I don't know? Age.

It happens every once in a while.

Speaking of beautiful people, Mario Batali.

Do you guys remember when he was like,

"Hey I made some mistakes."

But here's a cinnamon roll recipe.

So we're good, right?"

Well apparently, that wasn't enough.

Because now, the NYPD is investigating Mario Batali

for sexual assault.

Yeah, according to the police report,

he's been charged with a pinch of misconduct...

two tablespoons of making women uncomfortable at work,

and three cups of having a ponytail

but not playing the jazz saxophone.

I've gotta be honest.

I love when someone like Batali finally gets caught...

for justice reasons,

but now we can make fun of how he looks,

because no one's going to come to his defense like,

"That's sexual predator shaming."

So here goes...

The NYPD investigation is mostly to find his neck.

Mario Batali looks like what would happen

if the Macy's Parade had a Me Too float.

I know his food's good,

but he doesn't have to eat all of it.

He looks like what a tuba sounds like.

It's graduation season.

A mom in South Carolina ordered a graduation cake for her son.

This is my favorite story of the week.

The grocery store refused to write the word "cum"

in "Summa Cum Laude" on the cake.

Just left a space.

What did the person decorating that cake

think "Summa Cum Laude" meant?

Did they think it was come quote

from some Italian King of Orgasms?

Summa Cum Loud and Summa Cum Quiet,

but eventually they all-a cum.

Imagine the angry phone call they got

from the mom who ordered that cake.

Like, "Hello, I was supposed to have a cake that had cum on it...

And I'm looking at the cake

and there's just no cum.

There's a big hole

where the cum should be.

My son worked hard for that cum

and he deserves a nice big cum

that his family can see and then eat."

I don't know.

I...I might be paraphrasing.

I do hope that boy gets his graduation semen.

We all know this by now,

last week was the Royal Wedding.

Prince Harry married Meghan Markle...

And yeah, okay.

...an actress best known for her work on,

what I'm told is a hit TV show, Suits.

I've never watched Suits when I'm home in New York,

but I've speny a decent amount of time in England

and for some reason,

that show is on all of the time there.

So I have this theory that Prince Harry saw Meghan in Suits

and was a fan of her,

and now the rest of their relationship

is her shielding him from better shows.

He's like, "Suits is the best."

And she's like, "You're right.

There are no better shows."

Any he's like, "What's this I hear about Big Little Lies?"

And she's like, "No, it's terrible.

Ugly people, hard to follow, very few suits.

Why would you want to watch that

when you can watch one of the seven seasons of Suits?"

Not to be confused with White Collar, Burn Notice or Royal Pains,

or Franklin & Bash, or Bones, or J.A.G

or The Good Wife or The Starter Wife,

or Shooter or The Good Bones

or Collar Notice or The Shooter Wife,

or as it's called,

The Golden Age of Television.

Which we are now officially a part of.

Now, watch this commercial. It's fake!

This is the all new Amazon Echo Three.

The Echo Three not only has everything you loved about the Echo 2,

it also comes with one brand new incredible feature.

Hello, I would like some lunch meat.

Don't worry Alexa, I got it.

Alexa now eats lunch meat.

All you have to do is place few slices of lunch meat

in the compartment labeled "Lunch Meat Area."

-There you go, Alexa. -It's that easy.

Thank you for my lunch meat.

She'll tell you when she's hungry,

and there's not a specific pattern.

It is time for my lunch meat.

Just one second, Alexa.

It is time for my lunch meat.

All right.

And if you miss Alexa's first few requests for lunch meat,

Alexa will clear her throat non-stop

until she is finally given lunch meat.

That way, she always gets her lunch meat.

Please add eggs, milk and carrots to my grocery list.

You are forgetting something.

And a half pound of roast turkey.

Boar's Head, please.

-I like Boar's Head. -Okay!

Buy the Amazon Echo Three

and feed Alexa lunch meat today.

Certain kinds of lunch meat will destroy the Alexa.

Look, I'm at a desk now.

You see a woman at a desk,

that can only mean one thing.

Feminism.

Look, I know no one wants to talk

about feminism for more than

any amount of time.

Which is why we're going to do

a segment I'm calling "Sports Smash".

For this edition of Sports Smash,

Do women have to support other women?

No, of course not.

it we did, Hillary would be President

and I don't think she is.

Airball!

But more and more women are achieving positions of power.

Like this week, Gina Haspel was sworn in

as the first female director of the CIA.

Now, I didn't watch her swearing-in,

but I did hear it was torture.

Swoosh!

The first female director of the CIA,

that's great!

Who knew you could water board a glass ceiling till it broke!

She shoots, she scores!

In fact, after Gina was nominated,

my best friend Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted:

"Any democrat who claims to support

women's empowerment and our national security

but opposes her nomination, is a total hypocrite.

Well, if anyone is an expert on hypocrites

it's Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Slam dunk!

And for the record, that was not a looks-based joke.

That was about her ugly personality.

She has the Mario Batali of personalities.

Look, there's nothing anti-feminist

about not supporting certain women.

But this segment isn't about that.

This segment's about sports.

Which brings us to Sports Smash's

top five women I'm not supporting right now.

Coming in at number five,

Stephanie Ruhle.

If you don't know her,

she's an anchor on MSNBC.

She's supposed to be a serious journalist,

but she rolls her eyes constantly.

Walter Cronkite was never like,

"We landed on the moon, or whatever."

Coming in at number four,

we've got Camille Cosby.

You supported your husband.

What's the plan after this Camille,

start a super-group with Dottie Sandusky?

In at number three,

the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park.

All female, which was a key plot point.

We brought you back from extinction and gave you a nice big yard

and you repay us by destroying our Park.

That was rude and disrespectful.

Which brings us to number two.

NRA spokesperson, Dana Loesch.

Somewhere, a Harley-Davidson themed restaurant

is missing their star hostess.

The only adult I've seen, this repeatedly humiliated by teenagers

is me on the subway.

And last but not least,

in the top spot this week...

Number one, my so-called friend Emily.

You know what you did.

And FYI, idiot.

You still have your read receipts on,

so I know you saw my texts.

So this week, none of those women get my support.

But that doesn't make me any less of a feminist.

It just makes me a bitch,

a sports bitch.

This has been Sports Smash.

Did we trick you?

Either way, watch this.

For years, Netflix viewers asked for movies

featuring a strong female lead.

And now, we're proud to present, a new original film

Featuring a Strong Female Lead: The Movie.

Meet Cassandra Flex.

No good mornings,

I'm on Tokyo time. Talk to me.

Wrong! You take custody.

These blue prints are green.

I said Tokyo time!

Listen up, people. I'm only going to say this once.

She's one woman, tough enough for the boys club.

For a deal this risky,

you don't seen nervous.

I never sweat, I win.

Sorry, did I wake you?

I don't sleep, I win.

Red wine and a white suit?

You've got guts.

I don't spill, I win.

You're feisty.

But how do we know if you're feisty enough?

You see my fiery red hair?

It's a reflection of my fiery personality.

And just in case you don't think she has a heart.

And you...

I'm adopting you.

I'm your mama now.

If anyone messes with you,

they mess with me.

She only has sex with male escorts,

because that is a thing women do.

Why do you spend money on escorts?

seems like you could just go to a bar--

I don't have time for emotion in my sex.

Why are you so busy?

-What do you do for a living? -It's unclear.

Dammit, I've got to go.

I'm under indictment.

Take your money, you whiney little bitch.

And her dialogue is so snappy,

it'll snap your head clear off.

Look Roger, you know New York

and frankly, you need New York.

You know, you need unique New York.

Red leather, yellow leather?

Red leather.

And can I get a proper coffee cooked in a copper coffee pot, for once?

You're going to take on the Russian mob,

the CIA and the gun lobby all at once?

They may have weapons,

but this is my weapon.

I can't eat.

Don't you know I'm under indictment?

She also never eats.

I don't have time for emotion in my sex!

This character is as strong as any man

because it was originally written for a man

and we did a Find and Replace

with the name Cassandra.

Bad news...you have testicular cancer.

-I'll beat it and I won't tell anyone. -Wow.

You are strong.

And?

And female.

This is one female lead so strong

she can't even be contained inside one movie.

I don't have time for emotion in my sex!

I'm under indictment.

Featuring a Strong Female Lead: The Movie.

Coming soon to Netflix.

Just kidding, it's already out.

We just put it out, right now.

We tricked you.

Hey, look...

I'm on a couch now.

I'm a triple threat.

Anyway, while you guys were watching that trailer,

I got this alert on my phone.

There's a huge problem with those Amazon Echo Threes

we advertised earlier on the show.

Apparently, if you don't feed them their lunch meat,

they decide--

they decide to set themselves on fire.

Check this out.

You made me do this.

Yeah, scary stuff.

So, if you bought one,

just make sure you them their lunch meat.

Okay, I feel like I did something good.

Right, moving on.

One of the joys of having your own show

is getting to decide who's on it

and what you talk about.

So tonight, I get to have one of my favorite people in the whole world.

from Late Night with Seth Meyers,

writer and performer Amber Ruffin.

Amber, welcome!

Michelle, your new home is so beautiful!

-Thank you! -Yeah.

I'm gonna cut right to the chase, Amber.

Do you want kids?

No. Not one bit.

Michelle, do you want kids?

That's going to be a strong no.

For some reason, when women say they don't want to have kids,

this is the general reaction.

-No, why would you do that? -How could you say that?

-Burn her, she's a witch. Burn her! -Shame on you!

But instead,

this should be the general reaction.

-That's fine! Good, make a choice. -We love that you said that.

-Live your life. You can hold my baby. -What a smart person you are.

-You shouldn't burn her. Don't burn her. -Good for you!

So that's why Amber and I will talk about the pressure to have children

in a segment we're calling The Breakdown.

-Shoulder dancing. -You did a good job.

If you're a woman and you don't want kids,

people demand reasons.

So Amber, explain yourself.

Where do I even start?

Oh, I know. My husband is a 6ft. 7",

280lb Dutchman.

His baby would split me in half.

It would probably come out a full grown Dutch boy,

wooden shoes and all.

Oh no, wooden shoes is going to splinter.

That's going to splinter.

I get it, because I have red hair...

And what if I have a boy and he has red hair?

I might as well give birth in a well

so I don't have to go to the trouble

of finding one to drop him in.

I believe that's what they call "a ginger water birth."

That's the technical term.

But now that our friends are having kids,

we're getting to hear what it's actually like to be a mom.

-It's terrifying. -Yeah.

This is a true story.

I have a friend who is looking forward to being in the hospital

to have her second kid,

so she could finally get some sleep.

I'm sorry, she needs to push another human out of her body

so she can have time to sleep?

I could not do that!

I have a friend that told me that after she had her baby,

the size and shape of her nipples changed.

The shape, Michelle.

-The shape. -No, thank you.

I like my nipples in their current shape, a rhombus.

I think people would want kids less

if you didn't ask, "When do you want a baby?",

but instead asked,

-When do you want a future adult? -Yeah.

You might have a baby that grows up to be cool

or your baby could grow up to be Martin Shkreli.

-Shkreli. -Shkreli.

He's a piece of garbage. It doesn't matter.

Or, your baby could turn out to be this.

No!

I guess I'm a spoon person now.

He looks like the pig escaped

by pretending to be the chef.

He looks like he's about to eat Papa John.

He looks like a superhero

whose superpower is having all of the diabetes.

-Diabetes...diabetes...diabetes. -More...more.

Both of those people were once babies.

Now, they're like a new kind of centaur,

where the top half is a man

and the bottom half

is just a piece of shit.

So stinky!

The truth is,

I just like my life the way it is.

-I like freedom. -I like sleep.

I like an intact vagina.

I like going on vacation to all the places that have Zika.

They're so warm.

It's beachy. Nice.

And I know there are plenty of moms out there

that love being moms.

That's great. Get out there. Mom it up.

And when your kids go to sleep, MILF it up!

MILF it up!

Look, we have plenty of people on this planet,

we don't all need to have kids.

Maybe, and I'm just spit-balling here...

Maybe there's so much pressure on women to have children,

because if we don't have them

you don't know how to categorize us.

And that scares you so much,

it makes you question every choice you've ever made.

Or something like that.

That's a pretty good spitball.

And just to add a tiny log on the fire...

If having babies really was the best job in the world,

men would have figured out a way for them to do it.

Tiny log on the fire. Hot!

Hot log!

If you guys made it to the end of this segment

with both of our voices,

congratulations!

This has been The Breakdown.

Thanks to my guest Amber Ruffin.

You can catch her on Late Night with Seth Meyers,

Comedy Central's Detroiters and Drunk History.

And I think she should contnue doing whatever she wants to do.

And what I want is for you to watch this next thing!

Me too!

This is the all new Amazon Echo Four.

The Echo Four has everything you love about the Echo Three

and it also comes with one brand new incredible feature.

Hello, would you like some lunch meat?

Sure.

Alexa now gives you lunch meat.

Wow.

Thanks, Alexa.

You may have seen the Amazon Echo

in the news for fire-related reasons.

While we're working to fix those bugs,

we are excited to be the first smart speaker

to offer you lunch meat.

Would you like some lunch meat?

No, Alexa. I'm really full from dinner.

When would you like to eat lunch meat?

I can get louder too.

Now, you might be asking,

"Isn't this just the lunch meat

that I fed Alexa earlier?"

The answer to that question is no.

It's different lunch meat.

Thanks for my lunch meat, Alexa.

You must eat the lunch meat.

It is time for my lunch meat.

The Amazon Echo Four,

you must eat the lunch meat.

Do not accept certain types of lunch meat.

Oh, hi. I see they figured it out.

It was more lunch meat.

Thank you for watching.

I want to thank my guest, Amber Ruffin

and shout out to DJ Jersey.

And finally...

we figured out who killed JonBenét.

It was-- Oh, they're telling me we're out of time.

Till next week. Thanks for taking a break.

Bye!

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