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1
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,675
You wouldn't know this,
but it's tough out there...
2
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,758
...for those of us without a couch
growing out of our butt.
3
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:48,471
A fat woman Godzilla's
into the shoe store today...
4
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,678
...asks for something she could wear
to walk in the woods.
5
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,150
Jokingly, I suggest she wear a sign
that says:
6
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:57,113
"Don't shoot.
From the front I look human."
7
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,678
You'd think a woman could take
a little good-humored teasing...
8
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:03,108
...but what does she do?
9
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,749
Complains to the owner,
gets a gift certificate...
10
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,837
...for $200 worth of free shoes.
11
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,640
And you know whose pay cheque
that's gonna come out of.
12
00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:12,588
- Kelly's?
- Damn right...
13
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,268
...if I could find out
where she hides her purse.
14
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,156
Now for something I wanna look at.
15
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,231
And now on Fox.
16
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:24,278
It's the new adventuresof Psycho Dad.
17
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,511
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
18
00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,911
- Who is the tall dark stranger there?
- There
19
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:33,630
The one with the gunAnd the icy stare
20
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:37,555
The one with the scalpOf his ex-wife's hair
21
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,552
- Psycho Dad
- Pyscho Dad
22
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:43,190
- Psycho Dad, Pyscho Dad
- Psycho Dad, Pyscho Dad
23
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:47,911
He's a durn good paBut he hates the law
24
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,315
- Chopping Reno to eat it raw
- Raw
25
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:54,269
- Psycho Dad!
- Psycho Dad!
26
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,274
Now with less violence,but more kinky sex and nudity...
27
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,072
...for a cleaner and saner America.
28
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,077
Oh, Peg, I'm so excited.
29
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,197
Al, I hate Psycho Dad. Can't we just--?
30
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:10,112
There's nothing
in heaven and earth...
31
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,880
...that will stop me
from watching Psycho Dad.
32
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,630
So this God person,
what do you think she looks like?
33
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,675
Hey, it smells like
something's cooking in here.
34
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,115
Our TV set blew up.
35
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,635
"Buy a second-hand TV," you said.
36
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:43,792
"For 10 bucks you can't go wrong,"
you said.
37
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:48,279
Well, now look. Twenty years later
and the damn thing's broken.
38
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,596
Al, what is the big deal?
Just go out and buy a new one.
39
00:03:55,440 --> 00:04:00,195
We'll just buy a new one. Well, spank
my bottom, why didn't I think of that.
40
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,398
Hello, Wally's World of free TVs?
41
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,553
What do you have on sale today
for absolutely nothing?
42
00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,192
Guys, I got a solution...
43
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,796
...though God knows
it's not for all your problems.
44
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,398
They have tryouts for a new
game show called Touchdown Trivia.
45
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:23,191
First prize is $10,000 and there's
no one who knows more about sports...
46
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,994
...or is more trivial than you, Al.
47
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,475
$10,000?
With that, I could buy a big screen...
48
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,432
...a satellite dish, have money left...
49
00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,518
...to change the locks in the house
and watch all this in peace.
50
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,030
I'm going to those auditions.
51
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,635
- Don't wait up for me.
- I wasn't going to.
52
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,915
I was talking to Jefferson.
53
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,712
First, let me congratulate you
on passing the written test.
54
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,793
For the finals, we'll play
a simulated game of sports trivia...
55
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,228
...both national and local.
56
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,158
- Any questions?
- I'd like to know--
57
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,516
Yeah, places please.
58
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:10,108
Now we will introduce our host,
Travis James.
59
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,710
Man, I hate rehearsals.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
60
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,349
First contestant is Al Bundy.
61
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,158
Yes, Travis. I was born--
62
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:32,875
Then we go to our second contestant,
Max Weinberg.
63
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,350
Max-- That's short for--
64
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,597
Nothing. Fine. Okay.
65
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:42,594
- Our third contestant is Mike McKenzy.
- Hi, Travis.
66
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:46,236
Don't speak to me, Mike.
It's just a rehearsal, okay?
67
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,711
Now it's time for Touchdown Trivia.
68
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,313
Okay, contestants...
69
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,518
...we're all familiar with the famous
running back O.J. Simpson.
70
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,877
For five yards,
what do the initials O.J. stand for?
71
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,068
- Al.
- Orenthal James.
72
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,515
That's correct!
73
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:12,075
Eat my dust.
74
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:16,790
Okay, the second question.
What was the World Bowl?
75
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,355
- Al.
- Title game of the now defunct...
76
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:24,235
...World Football League.
Travis, excuse me.
77
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:25,668
Do you want me to rush...
78
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:29,111
...or you want me to pretend
that I have to think about these?
79
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:35,270
Here's a 10-yard question.
What occupational oddity is shared...
80
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:39,069
...by Henry Aaron,
Willie Mays and Babe Ruth?
81
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:42,392
- Mike.
- They're all baseball players.
82
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:46,599
Been in this country long, Mike?
Be a little more specific, please.
83
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,555
- Max.
- All Hall of Fame baseball players.
84
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,473
Dress a Barbie, Max.
85
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,993
Let a real man answer this.
86
00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,596
They all started and ended
their careers in the same city...
87
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:04,469
- ...but for different teams.
- That is correct.
88
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,916
Next question. Can you name one
of two women golfers to win--? Max.
89
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:16,639
- Mickey Wright.
- Correct.
90
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,278
Women's golf is not a sport.
91
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:26,358
Neither is spitting for distance.
92
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,795
But it can be.
93
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:30,674
Women's golf.
94
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:34,833
All right, next question. What famous
Native American midget wrestler--?
95
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,513
- Al.
- Skylo Low.
96
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:37,914
That's correct.
97
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:29,679
Okay, Mr. Bundy, our final question
pertains to a local sporting event.
98
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:35,637
What high school has won the most
city championships in baseball?
99
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,675
- The O'Leary Bucket Kickers.
- Correct.
100
00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:48,116
Congratulations to have mastered
that amount of sports knowledge...
101
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,198
...I can only assume
you have absolutely no life.
102
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,874
None whatsoever, Travis.
103
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:58,279
By the way, when do you guys want
me to come back for the real thing?
104
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,955
Well, gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Bundy,
we won't be having you back at all.
105
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,909
What? Well, how come? I won.
106
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:14,190
Well, according to our researchers, you
scored extremely low in personality.
107
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,196
Oh, how--? How low?
108
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:22,752
Well, let me put it to you this way. It
was somewhere between Joe Piscopo...
109
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,072
...and the fat kid who played
on Head of the Class.
110
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,718
Look, you know what?
If I liked you at all, I'd really be sorry.
111
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,872
Well, but wait a second.
You can't do this to me. I'm a legend.
112
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,556
I scored four touchdowns in one game
at Polk High.
113
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,872
Four touchdowns
in high school football.
114
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:45,712
Wow.
115
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:48,756
Look, Mr. Bundy,
we're looking for people...
116
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,514
...that are young, smart
and energetic.
117
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:02,958
Or if you really want to be a shoe-in,
someone with sex appeal.
118
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,749
I can't go on a sports-trivia show.
I don't know anything about sports.
119
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:20,589
Well, so you went to class every day,
you don't know anything about school.
120
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,311
Oh, yeah?
Then how come they gave me a thing?
121
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:24,748
- A diploma?
- Yeah.
122
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,793
Because you tried.
Sweetheart, please.
123
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,678
It's for a new TV.
124
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,390
Come on. I'll tell you what,
I'll order the cartoon channel for you.
125
00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,276
Okay.
126
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:40,110
I'll go upstairs and call in sick
for today. My boss isn't gonna like it...
127
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,828
...but at least somebody's
appreciating me for my mind.
128
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,354
It's the basement.
129
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:02,871
Bud, now listen, you've helped
Kelly with her schoolwork.
130
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:07,477
Tell me, is she capable of,
you know, anything?
131
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:11,919
Oh, sure. You just gotta work
within her limitations.
132
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,597
Kelly's brain...
133
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,672
Kelly's brain...
134
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:19,708
...can hold anything.
135
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,514
You just gotta make sure
of two things before you start.
136
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,159
One, that it's totally empty.
137
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,630
Well, we know that.
138
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,471
And two, you gotta feed
her information slowly.
139
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,029
A drop at a time until she's full.
140
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:35,713
Full?
141
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:39,629
Oh, yeah.
Kelly's brain can actually get full.
142
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,958
Then you gotta be really careful...
143
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:46,273
...because each new fact after that
will totally replace an old one.
144
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:51,472
That's how come she forgot to put on
a blouse the day she took driver's test.
145
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:56,069
No wonder why her license
expires every 60 days.
146
00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,238
Daddy, they said okay.
What do I have to do?
147
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,990
All right. Good, sweetheart. First, tell
me everything you know about sports.
148
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,792
I know that you scored four
touchdowns in one game for Polk High.
149
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,356
Very good. What else?
150
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,951
Golf spelled backwards is flog.
151
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:23,109
All right. I thought
this was gonna take a long time.
152
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,476
Don't worry.
You just sit down right here.
153
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,234
In 48 hours, you're gonna know
so much about sports...
154
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,590
...you're gonna be like the son
I always wanted.
155
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:16,557
And now on to yachting.
156
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:18,992
Daddy?
157
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,311
I'm full.
158
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,472
Thank God.
159
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,355
Well, we've got two hours
to catch up on our sleep.
160
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:40,639
Now, don't learn anything new
until this game show is over.
161
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,075
How am I supposed to do that?
162
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,391
Follow your mother around.
163
00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,793
Welcome to Touchdown Trivia.
164
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,276
Here's the star of our show,Travis James.
165
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:10,477
Okay. Okay, I know we're anxious
to win some money...
166
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:14,753
...so let's get started, shall we?
Our first question in Touchdown Trivia:
167
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,111
What national league batter
set the all-time record for strikeouts...
168
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,596
...in a single season
despite batting over .300?
169
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,991
- Mike.
- Bobby Bonds.
170
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,073
One hundred
and 89 strikeouts in 1970.
171
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,032
- That's correct.
- Yes.
172
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,110
Hey, my buzzer didn't work.
173
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:38,148
You've gotta squeeze the buzzer,
honey, don-- Don't jerk it.
174
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,870
Thanks. I learned something.
175
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,953
Gee, so did I.
176
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,351
Oh, no, Peg.
Travis put a thought into Kelly's head.
177
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,353
That means she lost a fact.
178
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,273
For another five yards.
What national hockey league team...
179
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,869
...won only one game
in franchise history?
180
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,353
- Kelly.
- Montreal Wanderers, 1917.
181
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,869
Won their opener, lost five,
their stadium burned.
182
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,792
Absolutely correct.
183
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:10,836
Yes.
184
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,878
All right, our next question
is in professional basketball.
185
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,588
In the NBA,
who had the highest percentage...
186
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,597
...of free throws in a single season?
187
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:21,878
- Kelly.
- Calvin Murphy...
188
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,277
...of the Houston Rockets
with a whopping 95.8 percent.
189
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,875
Right again.
190
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:36,272
Now for 10 yards.
What do Karl Marx, Bob Dylan...
191
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:39,080
...and heavyweight champion
Sonny Liston have in common?
192
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,558
- Tony.
- They're all communists.
193
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:46,190
No, that's not what we're looking for.
194
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,753
Mike.
195
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,155
Mamie Van Doren.
196
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,473
Judges?
197
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,911
No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Kelly.
198
00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:00,311
They're all on the cover of the
Beatles' Sgt. Pepper album.
199
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,955
Slide that head.
200
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:12,751
Oh, baby,
you're getting some tonight.
201
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,234
Now before we continue,
let's meet our contestants.
202
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,072
- Oh, no.
- What's wrong?
203
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:20,719
Travis might ask a question...
204
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:24,674
...or worse, tell her something she
doesn't know. She'll lose another fact.
205
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,715
- Our first contestant--
- I'm from Young--
206
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:32,192
--is Kelly Bundy, a poison disseminator
from right here in Chicago.
207
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:35,876
- So tell me, Ms. Bundy--
- She's married.
208
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:40,149
Okay, that's enough chitchat,
let's get back to our game.
209
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,276
Okay, contestants,
you're all even with 10 yards to go.
210
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,516
You all have a chance
at the big money.
211
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:24,639
This is for all the marbles.
The big enchilada.
212
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,598
Here's the question.
213
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,997
Who led the Chicago Bulls
in scoring six straight--
214
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,237
- Tony.
- Michael Jordan.
215
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,511
No, no, that's incorrect.
216
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,716
Let me finish the question.
217
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:42,750
Who led the Chicago Bulls in scoring
six straight seasons in the '70s?
218
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,550
- Kelly.
- Bob "Butterbean" Love.
219
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:49,429
For 10 yards,
that's correct for the game.
220
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,399
She did it. She did it.
221
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:03,111
Oh, Al, can I have
some tomorrow night too?
222
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,119
Not if I get that TV.
223
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:10,712
Now, Kelly, as you know, our bonus
question is always in local sports.
224
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,155
You have $1000 that you can keep...
225
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,119
...but if not, you can go
for the run back question...
226
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:21,639
...and a chance
at a check for $10,000.
227
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,880
- Let's rock.
- Okay.
228
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:41,998
Al, aren't you afraid they're gonna
ask her the one fact she lost?
229
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:43,428
What are the odds of that?
230
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,871
I taught her more local stuff
than national, Peg. We can't lose.
231
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,999
Okay, Kelly, for $10,000.
232
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,515
In local high school football...
233
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:57,230
...who scored four touchdowns
in one game...
234
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,995
...for Polk High School
in the Chicago City Championship?
235
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:09,393
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
236
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:14,037
- Al?
- This proves a personal theory of mine.
237
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,840
The longer you suffer,
the greater the rewards.
238
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,514
That's how the gods work.
239
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,997
Then why won't the gods
let her answer?
240
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,950
Polk High?
241
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,270
Four touchdowns?
242
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:37,958
Red squeeze buzzer?
243
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,590
Oh, I'm sorry, Kelly.
244
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,835
The correct answer was, audience?
245
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,356
Al Bundy!
246
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:53,999
You won't go empty-handed...
247
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,475
...we have plenty of
consolation prizes for you...
248
00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:00,070
...and thanks for playing
Touchdown Trivia.
249
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,152
Al?
250
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,237
Yes, Peg.
251
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,949
Am I still getting some?
252
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,112
No, Peg.
253
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:22,148
In fact, when we get home,
I just might take some back.
254
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:28,799
Well, it's not 10 grand, but a new TV's
not a bad consolation prize.
255
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,268
So you mean I did good?
256
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:32,068
No.
257
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:38,429
Oh, come on, Al.
You're proud of her. Now admit it.
258
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:44,634
Well, you did your best, pumpkin,
so, yeah, I'm proud of you.
259
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,632
Can we watch something
on the new TV?
260
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,313
Sure, son.
261
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,949
You know,
it doesn't get any better than this.
262
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,430
Who's that ridin' across the plain?
263
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,033
Who's lost count of the wives
264
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,231
- He's slain?
- Slain?
265
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:03,109
Who is the man who's plum insane?
266
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,551
Pyscho DadPsycho Dad
267
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,236
Psycho Dad!
21625
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