Original subtitles

Deck the halls...

Ah, Christmas shopping eh? Unavoidable. Right.

If we don't shop the sun won't return, right?

You know, I'm so glad you're coming round for Christmas.

It's the only thing that keeps me going.

Though I've got to warn you, Roger will be there

and also Edith's awful sister - the dreaded Joan.

Have you met her? Joan? I've heard about her.

Yeah, so you must feel free to leave as early as you like.

Thank you. I'll bear that in mind.

Oh, incidentally, any news on the sale of the house?

Humbug! Bah!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Have I the right to hold you?

You know I've always told you

I've loved you from the very start

Come right back, I just can't bear it

I've got this love and I long to share it

Come right back, right back where you belong

Oh, yeah

You belong.

CHURCH BELLS

These things take time, Phil.

This isn't at all unusual.

Well, it's been on the market three months now.

Well, mid-winter isn't the best time to sell a house.

Well, it wasn't such a bad time three months ago.

I mean, I have to find a new estate agent, you know.

Wickford and I, we just don't hit it off.

Well, maybe it's a generation thing?

Oh, could be, yes.

Could be I'm old, knowledgeable and wise and he isn't.

People get interested in houses in the spring.

Like beavers, or termites, or dung beetles, eh?

Speaking of which, where is Roger?

Gone to get a Christmas tree.

The children aren't coming, are they?

Apparently, the best thing about having a gap year is you can skip family Christmas.

Ah, so the tree is, basically, for Roger.

Er, yes. Yes. How old is he?

He says this'll be the last Christmas we'll all spend together in this house.

Well, let's hope so.

Your sister's still coming, I suppose?

She wants to watch the Queen's speech on our big screen.

Ha!

DOORBELL RINGS

What fresh hell is this?

I'll go.

Roger!

Good, isn't it?! It's far too big!

Half price! Oh, it's too big!

20 quid! You'll have to cut it down!

I'm not going to cut it, it'll ruin the shape.

It won't get... It won't come through the door!

Will it go through the window?

It can't go in the sitting room. It can, we've measured it.

Oh, well, you got it wrong. You've made a mistake.

No, it's not a mistake. Bob double-checked.

Bob?! Aye, I did.

It'll fit fine!

It might not be totally upright, but, hey, you can't have everything, eh?

Ah, Queenie! Come on in.

So, why don't you start in here and then just, er, look around

and see what else needs doing?

I think I'll open the window first. It smells a bit musty.

No, no. Don't open the windows.

Why not? Well, er, something might fly in.

Like what?! Er, a pigeon, heron, flamingo.

Emu. Giraffe.

What? Well, just take your pick, but the point is if we lock up

and leave and it's left stuck here, it's going to make a mess, isn't it?

Anyway, nasty lanky beasts, those giraffes.

I think there's one in here already.

So, I'll be upstairs doing the inventory if you need me.

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Phil.

Yes, dear?

Celia?

Celia?

Look in this direction...

I can only...

..see you reflected in that mirror.

Slightly out of focus and in black and white.

That's the convention.

Well, does it have to be like that? I mean, it's a bit of a cliche.

I don't make the rules, darling. No, of course you don't.

Erm, so, er...

..what do you want? Are you upset about my selling the house?

On the contrary, I'm delighted that you're moving on.

Ah! Good.

It's about time. Great.

HUMMING

So, what do you miss most?

Apart from me, I mean?

Apart from you?

Cigarettes.

Cigarettes!

You mean it's a no-smoking zone where you are?

It is.

What a bummer!

Celia, it's not your intention to come with us, is it?

Of course not! Why would I do that?

Well, I don't know. You tell me.

I've got other fish to fry.

Really?

Like who? Mind your own business.

You're pulling my leg, aren't you? You could never resist that.

Well, I must say, Celia, I can't see you very well,

but you seem in very good shape, all things considered.

You're not going to hang around after I've left, are you?

No! I just want to make sure you get out.

Is... is that in doubt?

We both know you're not nearly as competent as people think you are.

Well, I won't argue with you.

That's a change for the better. Mm.

Celia, about these clothes of yours.

What should I do with them?

Give them away.

I can't believe you've still got them.

Just get rid of them.

It was hard.

Yes.

I know.

One more thing, darling...

..happy Christmas.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Same to you.

I see you've managed to bag the quietest spot in town.

Edith!

Hello, Bertie!

So, this is you doing your Christmas shopping, is it?

Look at this lot. Oh. Terrifying!

I know.

Every year it's going to be different and every year it comes to this -

me running around at the last minute and getting grumpier by the day.

Fortunately, I come from a very small tribe.

Lucky you!

Yeah, well, quite lucky.

I hope we're still going to see you on Tuesday.

Yes, I was going to give you a call.

Now, what can I bring round to contribute to the meal?

Nothing. Everything's in hand.

Ah, well, then I'll have to ask Sandra.

Ooh! She'll give you a whole list.

Ah, now come on, Edith.

Think how much happier it'll make me to bring something around

that you'll really be pleased to see.

Rather than the fifth bottle of limonchello!

Ah!

Merry Christmas!

Oh, God!

Oh! Urgh!

Oh!

This isn't going to work.

Why are you so defeatist, eh? It's your tactics.

I never accept defeat.

Did they teach you that in the SAS?

As a matter of fact they did.

Adaptability. Thinking on your feet.

I can't think of anything.

Well, there's a simple expedient here that'll transform the whole operation.

Yeah? And what's that? Turn it the other way round.

Turn it the other way round?

Yeah, so the branches don't get stuck in the door.

That's what I said in the first place!

No, you never!

These coffee mornings, Sandra, I hope you know how much they mean to me.

Wendy. I'm not kind!

I enjoy them too.

Wendy, stop being so pathetic.

But I am pathetic! You don't have to be.

It's just about habit.

Do you really think so?

Mm! You were married to Roger for 20 years.

You brought up two children.

That's not being pathetic, it's heroic.

But I failed! We're divorced.

Yes. That is not a failure.

That is a triumph.

You came to your senses. Except he walked out on me.

Do you really think people can change?

Not Roger, not a chance. No, I meant me.

Be less pathetic.

Of course you can! Well, who would I be?!

You'd be you, only less relentlessly nice all the time.

Less nice all the time, bloody hell!

Well done! Swearing!

Bit pathetic, but it is a start.

Oh!

Ugh, what does she want? Nothing good.

Oh! That wasn't a very nice thing to say, was it?

Queenie! What's up?

It's Phil.

He's gone bonkers. Bonkers?

I've just been doing a bit of cleaning for him.

And first of all he tells me to keep the windows closed

in case a giraffe flies in.

He's just joking! You know Phil!

Then, I heard him upstairs talking to Celia!

His first wife? I thought she was dead?

She is. What was he talking about?

About how she's not allowed to smoke where she is now.

Have you been overdoing it?

I knew you wouldn't believe me! But it's true!

And I'm worried for Edith!

Queenie.

Look, all right, I'm back there tomorrow.

Come with me, see for yourself.

See what? Are you trying to put a spanner in the works?

What do you mean? To stop them going away.

Well, of course I am!

We don't want Edith stuck in some strange place with a lunatic, do we?

So you didn't go for the job interview?

I did.

Turns out you can't be a Santa these days if you've got a criminal record.

Well, that sounds very unreasonable.

Santa's got to be saintly, you know, without a blemish.

Does he? And I told them!

I said, "I'm not claiming to be the real thing."

You know?

In fact the original Santa, maybe he had a criminal record?

But he still did good things.

And that makes him even more saintly.

Does it?

I've forgotten a lot of my theology. Theology?

Yeah, when I was training for the church.

You trained for the church?!

Still a wee bit gullible there, Rog.

Anyway, I've got an issue with Santa.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Yeah, well, some kiddies, they don't get presents, right?

If their family's poor.

Think of the pressure that puts on the parents, eh?

In fact, see this Santa? This Santa is a great big fraud!

Take a seat, Mr...? Parton.

Parton? Parton.

As in Dolly?

What? Of course not.

Parton as in Parton.

Luxury and indeed first class mobile homes.

Oh! Yes, that's right!

What an honour it is to meet you, Mr Parton,

I've owned a couple of your excellent vehicles.

An early highly reliable Veronica and the

redoubtable 1987 Mark 4 Celia.

Absolutely brilliant.

Thank you! Thank you!

The company started in 1962 remodelling army surplus vehicles.

Yes, that's when my uncle Charlie took it over.

Then when he died in '73 you took over the business.

You seem to know an awful lot about it.

I do. I was on Mastermind.

The history of the camper van and motor home.

Really? I never thought I'd have the privilege of meeting the

great Phillip "camper van" Parton.

Thank you.

Well, time marches on.

So let's talk about selling my house.

Selling your house?

Yes.

Are you kidding?

EVIL LAUGHTER

Don't be ridiculous, Dolly!

Tis the season to be Dolly, tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

The dolly and the ivy...

Phil...

Phil!

Phil! Phil!

You were having a nightmare.

Yeah. Estate agent banging on and on about camper vans.

Phil, Phil, you've got to do something to get your mind

off the house.

OK. All right.

Mm.

OK.

Oh, I had a nice, erm,

a nice chat with Celia.

What? Yeah, she was at the house and she's OK about selling the house

and erm, about us and everything.

So I felt much better after, yeah. Oh, good.

So there's nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry...

Mm...

Have you consulted Colin?

Er... yes.

Yes, I have.

Ah! And he's delighted that I'm moving on.

Ha-ha, exactly what Celia said.

Of course it is.

Now, try and get back to sleep.

Why are we doing this?

I want to put you in the picture.

Are you sure he's not in here?

No, he's gone to the shops.

That's his inventory list there.

Oh, these are Celia's things.

They are. I was on the landing and Phil was in here.

And clear as day I heard him talking...

Shhh!

DOOR CLOSES

Get in the wardrobe!

Uh, don't be ridiculous, I'm not getting in any wardrobe.

And I'm claustrophobic. Queenie!

Get in the wardrobe!

I'm in your bedroom.

Mm.

I'm just emptying the bins.

Oh, I... I got the hoover bags you wanted.

They're on the kitchen table.

Oh, lovely. I was just going to make a start on the living room.

So... If you come down in five minutes I'll have made the tea.

Excellent.

Could you bring it up?

No, I couldn't. What?

Well, I might spill it.

The old wrist's playing up today.

Oh, well, you just give me a shout and I'll fetch it up here myself.

Oh, no, don't do that.

Drink it downstairs. Tea tastes better downstairs.

Always.

It's a well-known scientific fact.

Celia.

Celia, Celia, Celia, what are we going to do wi...

Celia?

Hello, Phil.

Sandra.

SHE GASPS

Wendy.

Oh, that was dreadful! I thought I was a goner.

Yeah, Wendy suffers from claustrophobia.

I do. Quite badly.

Well, what are you doing in the wardrobe then?

Surely that's the worst possible place for you to be?

We got lost.

You mean you wandered off the beaten track and finished up in...

We've been looking for a cure for some time.

Mm. A cure?

Yes, well, we thought that if we could get Wendy into the

right sort of confined space... With a friend.

With a friend. Erm, someone she trusted,

then the claustrophobia might lose its...

..threateningness.

Ah, really?

Just thought we might give it a try. Apparently it often does the trick.

But, erm, why my wardrobe?

We have been looking for the right kind of space for some time.

Mm, and this is perfect.

Yeah, it's a really nice wardrobe.

So the aesthetics are important from the point of view of the cure?

Oh, yes. Critical.

Yes, it was the size that did it. The size is spot on.

Spot on. Mm.

And did it work? I mean, I interrupted.

Do you need to get back in there?

No! No, I... I think we've been in there quite long enough.

Have we, Wendy? Oh, definitely. I'm feeling so much better.

Completely cured.

Oh, good! We should have asked you first.

But we just thought that you wouldn't mind.

And I was in a desperate hurry.

Yes. Wendy was in a desperate hurry, so...

Because?

She's taking a transatlantic flight.

On Boxing Day.

Steerage is very cramped,

so sorting her claustrophobia was high priority.

Come on, girls.

I'll make the tea.

You know, something odd happened today.

I didn't tell you, I didn't want to worry you.

OK, so now I'm worried.

Yeah, well, I discovered, erm...

Wendy and Sandra in the wardrobe.

What?!

In my house. In Celia's wardrobe.

Phil.

They said they were trying to cure Wendy's claustrophobia.

That's what they said.

Phil.

This is another one of your dreams.

For all I know it's true.

I wonder if it might be a good idea for you to go and see someone.

Someone else?!

I'm seeing far too many people at the moment and most of them

in my house! Seeing fewer people, that might do the trick.

Queenie's worried about Phil.

She thinks he's losing it.

Why? Has something happened?

Have you noticed him behaving strangely?

Well, yes.

There have been a few things.

For example - last night he said he found you and Wendy in his

wardrobe trying to cure Wendy's claustrophobia.

Did he? Oh, dear.

Yes, it's a bit worrying. Mm.

Oh... Oh...

Those seats of yours aren't very comfortable,

are they, for such a swanky car?

Well, they're specifically designed like that to discourage

people from asking for lifts.

Yoo-hoo! Auntie Joan.

I'm here! Joan! Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas, Edith.

Have you put a bit of weight on? Hello.

Happy Christmas, Sandra.

Happy Christmas, Auntie Joan.

I see you've been at the mince pies too.

No change there then.

Ooh...

Just a few little things.

Oh, how lovely. You shouldn't have.

Well, they're mostly recycled from last year.

You'll recognise the bath salts.

I make no bones about it, it's the thought that counts.

Evidently.

And she complained the moment I picked her up.

She lives alone - I suppose.

Yes, and a totally sterile environment, you know.

All life forms have fled years ago.

Are we eating before the Queen's speech?

Like we did last year when we had to rush and I got terrible indigestion.

Or after? After.

Oh, good! Well, I've brought my charcoal tablets just in case.

Right, well, is there anything I can do?

Why don't you, erm, take those into the living room,

pop them under the tree with the rest of them.

Someone'll give you a drink.

Roger and Jack Dugdale are in there.

Jack? Dr Dugdale?

Standing by with the stomach pump.

Well, if you're sure I can't do anything.

No, everything's under control.

You go through and relax.

I'm no good in other people's kitchens.

Argh!

Argh!

Ah, Joan!

I've come to bag the best seat.

Ah, good. Can I get you a drink?

I'm afraid we don't have any Novichok.

Erm, well, Amontillado as long as it's chilled.

Chilled, yes. This is Jack, my very good friend.

Hello. How do you do? You must be Dr Dugdale.

Yes, indeed.

Pleased to meet you, Doctor.

Do you know, I get these terrible cramps in my legs

when I'm in bed at night.

I've tried everyth...

Well, that tree, it's...

It's far too big! It's bent right over!

Yes, well, it's certainly grown a bit since it got here.

Whatever was Edith thinking?

I can't watch the Queen's speech with a penguin dangling in

front of her! It's disrespectful.

No, it isn't, it's the best Christmas tree ever and I'm

going to pop this on the top and then straighten it up a bit.

Let me see that.

Here!

That's mine!

That's my fairy!

That's Cristabelle.

My granny gave me that when I had mumps. It's not Edith's.

It has no place being here.

And it's certainly not going on that tree! It's a valuable antique!

Just give it to me!

Ahhhh! You give it me!

Priceless!

Oh! Oh!

Bloody hell!

Right, well, if the telly's broken, that's it! I'm going.

Yeah, yeah, look at that. It's totally bust.

Ah... Ah, what a shame! Never mind.

I'll, er, I'll get my keys.

I could run Joan back if you like?

Well, that's very kind of you, Dr Dugdale.

I'm sorry, but I'm not missing the Queen's speech for anything.

Certainly not!

What's going on?

Oh, erm, Roger's Christmas tree attacked the television set

and that's caput.

And dear old Jack's just going to drive your sister back home

so she can watch the Queen's speech on her television.

No. Nobody's driving Joan anywhere.

We can bring the small television down from the bedroom.

Oh! Why didn't I think of that?! What a good idea!

Ho, ho, ho. Thank you.

MUSIC: Good King Wenceslas

Queenie, you're still in the Salvation Army!

Guest appearance by public demand.

Hello, everyone. Happy Christmas!

Aye, merry Christmas. Ding, dong merrily on high and all that, eh?

Phil, give them something. OK, yeah.

Good will to all men, Phil. Watch out for the moths.

There we go! A worthy cause I suppose.

Anyone for a mince pie? Ooh, yes, please! That'd be lovely.

MUSIC: Gloria in Excelsis Deo

GENERAL CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

Yoo-hoo!

The Queen's speech is going to be on in five minutes for anyone

who's interested.

The tiny screen will make you squint but I don't suppose she'll notice.

I never miss the Queen's speech.

MUSIC: In The Bleak Midwinter

Happy Christmas, darling.

Happy Christmas, Phil.

Happy Christmas to you too, Celia.

Have I the right to hold you?

You know I've always told you

I've loved you from the very start

Come right back

I just can't bear it

I've got this love and I long to share it

Come right back

Right back where you belong

Oh, yeah, you belong.

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