Original subtitles

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba-ba

When the world in which you're living

Gets a bit too much to bear

And you need someone to lean on

When you look, there's no-one there

You're gonna find me

Out in the country

You're gonna find me

Way out in the country.

SHEEP BLEATING

With the agreement of the committee,

I can now confirm the arrangements for the Lantern Man Festival.

The parade will take place...

I still don't get it. Who is this Lantern Man?

It's a Garthdale tradition. Apparently it goes back centuries.

So what happens? Well, they make some sort of strong man

and they parade him through the village.

And the locals dress up

and they paint their faces all yellow and brown.

To match their teeth? It involves quite a lot of alcohol, too.

..as well as a van selling hot dogs, baked potatoes and cigarettes.

And now, it is my duty

to call upon last year's Keeper of the Lantern Man

to appoint his chosen successor.

Thank you, Barbara.

Firstly, may I say what a great honour...

Shall we just go? We can't.

Why not? Shh.

I trust I lived up to your expectations.

But now the time has come to appoint my successor.

Arthur, you have been waiting for this role for many years

and I know how much it would mean to you.

However, I have decided that this year's Keeper of the Lantern Man

will be Steve Rawlings.

What?

And then I thought, no, what about Steve?

It might just be the making of him.

Thanks. So...

here you are.

That's you officially anointed.

It's an important job. Make sure you don't mess it up.

She's nice, isn't she?

Oh, she's lovely.

Now, let me give you a few tips.

What do you reckon, Alice? Do you think my Steve

will make a good Keeper of the Lantern Man?

I don't know, love.

To be honest, I only came for the tea and biscuits.

Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.

Oh, right, so it's just a parade, then? No.

Tell Steve the other thing he has to do.

You have to stay in the scary hut.

With the Lantern Man. For the whole night.

What's this? That's the vigil.

You have to guard the Lantern Man.

Before you parade him through the town.

You spend the night in the old shepherd's hut by the woods.

What, with a scarecrow? Er, yeah.

One thing, Steve, pretty important.

It's not a scarecrow, it's the Lantern Man.

All right, Dad? Wouldn't have been my choice.

Wouldn't have been Steve's choice, either.

Ah, well, not how it was done back in the day.

How did it used to be done, then? Bare knuckle fights on the green.

Last man standing was made Keeper of the Lantern Man.

But the authorities put a stop to all that.When was this?

2004.

Are there no biscuits left?

You should be wearing that.

You have been chosen. By Matt.

The making of me. What the hell did he mean by that?

To spend the night in a hut, he's not sending me to boarding school.

It's a great honour, Steve. You've been put in charge

of a pair of pyjamas stuffed with hay.

Why do they need someone to guard it, anyway?

They burn it the next day.

BANG CRACKLING

What the hell was that?

Oh! LAUGHS

Oh, hi, Steve.

All right, Nicky? Hi, Grizzo.

I tell you what,

in the wrong hands, these things could be lethal.

Yeah, I can see that.

Any particular reason for letting off fireworks?

Er...

Oh, yeah, I'm testing them out.

And you didn't want to do it at your place?

No, it might scare the peacocks.

Ooh.

Very thoughtful. Yeah.

No, what it is...

I'm doing the fireworks for this Lantern Man thing.

You're doing the fireworks? GRUNTS

Well, not me. I'm paying for them.

But I've got this pyrotechnics guy to do it all.

Ex-special forces. Did my Hyde Park gig.

And that other one.

What's it? The one with all the nurses and the beds and...

Are you talking about the opening ceremony of the Olympics?

Yeah, that's the one.

Anyway, the fireworks arrived earlier, two lorry loads of them.

So I thought, might as well have a little play.

Oh, you... GRUNTS

Well, they seem to be working all right, so...

Oh, right.

Ha. You two probably want to get some sleep, don't you?

Ideally. Please, yeah.

Yeah, no, fair enough. I'll knock it on the head.

Thanks, Grizzo.

FIREWORKS BANG

CHUCKLES Sorry.

Last one.

Have you got enough clean pants for your vigil?

I'm not scared.

Anyway, I might not even stay there.

I'll wait till everyone's gone, then nip home for the night.

Go back in the morning. That'd be cheating.

Why should I spend the whole night in a hut in the woods?

It would be like the worst ever episode of Springwatch.

The whole village are relying on you.

You can't let the Lantern Man escape.

How could he escape? He's a stuffed dummy,

he's not Steve McQueen.

CAR ENGINE

Who's this?

It's a minicab.

God, he must be lost.

It's Zoe.

Sorry, Mum.

I didn't know what else to do.

What's happened, sweetheart? Where's Danny?

We split up.

Oh, no. I am sorry.

Come and have a cup of tea.

Excuse me.

Oh. Sorry, I...

Steve, could you? Yeah, all right.

Then Danny said, "If you wanted a Chinese, you should have said."

I said, "But that is what I said, you just weren't listening."

And that is what's so annoying, he never listens. Then he stormed out.

By that time, I'd made myself a sandwich.

How was I to know he'd gone and got a Chinese?

Oh, no. So I said, "I'll have it for breakfast."

He said, "You can't have Chinese for breakfast."

Since when?! Who made you God of breakfast?

You didn't split up over a takeaway, though?No. It's everything.

We argue all the time.

And I said to him, "Danny, you do realise

"we row about literally everything." Then we had a row about that.

The thing is, Zoe, sometimes when people are...

PHONE BEEPS Oh, God.

GASPS Oh, it's Becky.

She's dyed her hair. Look.

She's got an interview on Monday.

Anyway, I just can't go back there. I need my own space.

Would it be all right if I stayed? Of course you can.

Course. Oh, thank you.

You stay as long as you want.

Or longer, like we have.

I've never liked that Danny.

If you ask me, he didn't deserve you.

There's plenty more fish in the sea. It's his loss.

Exactly. The thing you've got to remember...

PHONE BEEPS Ooh, sorry.

Oh, my God. Guess how hot it is in Ayia Napa.

Lauren's there.

They've found a bar where jagerbombs are two euros.

Put that away for a bit, 'ey?

Hey, leave her be. That's how young people communicate these days.

Must have been well weird when you were young.

Didn't have mobile phones.

Had to use smoke signals back then, didn't you, Ken?

Ha.

So, do you think you're up to it, then?

Sorry? Keeper of the Lantern Man.

What's this?Steve's been chosen for this festival they have here.

I have to carry this straw dummy through the village.

There's nothing to it. What about the vigil?

That's just spending the night in a hut.

Is it?

You might change your tune when you're out there in the woods,

all alone in the dark. Yeah.

I'm not afraid of the dark. Good.

Because they do say that on the stroke of midnight,

the Lantern Man comes alive.

Dad. That's just nonsense. Well, maybe it is.

But how do you explain what happened a few years back?

On the morning after the vigil, the villagers came back to the hut

to find the Lantern Man had gone.

And the Keeper's hair had turned white.

Oh, my God.

It's true.

It's on MysticBritain.com. Look, the legend of the Lantern Man.

Yeah, but just cos it's on the internet doesn't mean it's true.

In fact, the opposite.

Just off to the shop with Zoe. Do you need anything for your vigil?

No, no. I'm fine.

Oh, maybe some batteries for the torch?

It's working fine.

Yeah, I know, but just in case.

I'll be back in a bit.

Zoe, are you coming? In a minute!

I've bet her a choc ice

that she can't get more than a grunt out of Shannon.

Anyway, like I said, it's a nice shop.

So, what you reading?

I met Victoria Beckham once.

You never.

I did. Manchester Arndale.

Launch of her new perfume.

She was wearing a top the same as yours.Was she?

Hm. Where did you get it from? Online.

It's dead nice. Thanks.

Gareth!

Victoria Beckham's got the same top as me.

Says who?

Nicky's daughter.

FOOTSTEPS

All right?

Who's this, then? Hi.

I'm Zoe. Bronson.

Nice to meet you, Zoe.

No, don't get me wrong, he's a nice lad.

I'm just saying, he gets in a lot of trouble.

Mum, why are you even talking about him?

I'm just saying, beware.

Beware of what?

I've just split up with Danny,

I'm not looking to go out with anyone else.

PHONE BEEPS

Who's that?

Bronson.

DRUM BANGING

CHATTER

I hope Steve appreciates what an honour it is to be chosen.

Some people in the village have waited years to do it.

Oh, yeah, he's chuffed to bits.

How much further is it?

Keep going, I'll tell you when we get there.

Seriously? Yeah.

Two police cars.

What's all this about, anyway? Oh, God knows.

They do it every year. I think it's just an excuse to get wasted.

Is that Bronson with our Zoe?

Oh, Dad, leave it. You'll only make it worse.

When Lantern's seen on dale or moor,

in us hands we take the law.

Over beck and gill he ran, who will burn the Lantern Man?

ALL: We will!

Right, that's that bit done.

Time for you to go in't hut.

Right, then, good luck.

You'll need it.

Have you got your mobile, just in case?Yeah.

And batteries for your torch? Yeah.

And, er, Grecian 2000? Yeah, thanks, Ken.

I'll see you in the morning. Bye, then.

You all right?

It's OK for you, you get burnt tomorrow.

Some of us are stuck here for the rest of our lives.

Sorry.

Right.

I'm just gonna nip out, use the facilities.

Don't go anywhere.

CLATTERING

Hello?

Who's there?

Argh!

LAUGHS

Sorry, Steve.

I couldn't resist.No, it's just that I wasn't expecting it, so...

This was you. "Oh, no! Please!" I don't think I did do that.

Yeah, right. I saw you going out. I thought, this will be a laugh.

What are you doing here, anyway? Er...

Oh, yeah, no, what it was...

There's been an update on the firework situation.

My pyro bloke can't be there tomorrow night,

he's got to go and do the Chinese president's birthday.

So, we were thinking... you could do it.

Me? Yeah.

You know about computers. That's how it's all done these days.

That's designing websites, it's different.

Nah, it's all the same.

He'll set it all up for you. He just needs to talk you through it.

Can't you do it? No. Yeah, no, he wouldn't let me.

I've got a bit of history on that front.

Have you? Let's just say

I didn't realise that indoor fireworks were an actual thing.

I just thought it was fireworks indoors.

They had to close the Savoy Grill for three weeks.

Oops, my bad.

No, no, it was pretty bad.

ALL: Cooee!

Morning. We made you some scones.

What, for breakfast?

I mean, thank you.

So, how did it go? Yeah, fine.

Any scares?

No. Nothing.

That's not what Grizzo told us, is it?

He played a trick on you.

You said, "No! Please!"

Did you cry? Of course I didn't cry.

I've brought you some coffee.

It's Fairtrade.

Oh, thank God. Anyway, we'll leave you to it.

Would you, er, like us to take the Lantern Man for you?

No, it's all right. Nicky's coming to pick us up.

I mean, me. And it.

RADIO: 'And if you're in the Garthdale area,

'don't forget, it's the Lantern Man Festival today.

'So why not get those costumes out and join the parade?

'And to get you in the mood, here's Phil Collins.'

Shouldn't he have his seatbelt on?

That's the least of his worries.

He's getting chucked on a bonfire later.

Did you have a nice time with Zoe? Hardly saw her.

She spent most of the evening FaceTiming Bronson.

That's not happening, is it? Not on my watch.

So how was it, then, spending the night in that drafty old dump?

I was gonna ask you the same thing.

This is gonna be great!

It will be.

Just so long as you don't go anywhere near them.

You nutter.. LAUGHS

Oh, Steve. This is Sniper. Pleased to meet you.

Sniper? So how did you get that nickname?

How do you think?

Oh, right.

So, this is where it all happens? Looks like a mixing desk.

That is the mixing desk.

He's worse than me, in't he? No.

I'll leave you to it.

So...

This is the firing system.

I'll be talking you through it step-by-step.

First things first, I have given you your own personal pass word.

You will need this to activate live mode.

Right. I've pre-set it as Sierra, Tango, Echo, Victor, Echo.

OK, I'd better write that down. It's S-T-E-V-E.

Steve, yep, OK. Should be able to remember that. Ha-ha.

Hm.

Nice outfits.

They made those all by themselves. Really?

I might have helped out a little bit.

Have you seen that tree costume?

Beautiful. Really?

Right, that's it. I'm gonna have a word with...Dad.

Please don't.

If there's one thing that will drive them together...

When Lantern's seen on dale or moor,

in us hands we take the law.

Over beck and gill he ran, who will burn the Lantern Man?

ALL: We will!

Right, take a drink.

No, I'd better not.

I'm in charge of the fireworks tonight.

It's bad luck not to toast the Lantern Man.

It's even worse luck to be drunk

in charge of ten grand's worth of fireworks.

Oh, well, if no-one else wants it...

All right, Shannon?

Is Gareth here?

Yeah. Do you want to meet him? Yeah, please, I'd love to.

Gareth! Nicky wants to meet you.

You what?

Nicky wants to meet you.

Oh. How do?

All right, Gareth? It's nice to finally put a face to the name.

Them two should get a room.

ALL: We will!

PHONE BEEPS

Who will burn the Lantern Man?

ALL: We will!

Mum, Mum.

I need to talk to you. Right, what's that Bronson done?

No, Granddad, it's not Bronson. It's Danny.

He sent me this really nice message,

and he says that he's sorry and that he misses me.

And he wants us to get back together.

Well, he's a good lad, Danny.

I've always liked him.

I'm gonna head back to Leeds.

Oh, love. Come here.

I'm really happy for you.

Have you told Bronson? Yeah, yeah.

He's fine about it. We're just mates.

No.

SHE GIGGLES

How did you know?I'm telling you, Denise, two police cars.

And if you do have the yellow ticket number 347,

there's an unclaimed bottle of salad cream waiting for you.

The fireworks will take place in five minutes...

How's it going?

All good. Everything under control. Just go and enjoy the show.

Oh, do you want a beer?

Not while I'm on duty. Got my cup of tea, thanks.

And if it's not claimed by then,

the salad cream will be donated to charity.

And now, what you've all been waiting for,

it's time for the fireworks.

Are you ready in the tent?

Ready in the tent.

Put the music on, then.

Hurry up!

SPACE ODYSSEY MUSIC

CHATTER

I'm gonna need a countdown.

Ten...

ALL: Nine, eight...

Argh! MACHINE BEEPS

ALARM BUZZING

ALL: Five, four...

three, two...

one...

FIREWORKS ALL SPARK AT ONCE

BANG

FIREWORKS STOP

ONE FIREWORK HISSES

ALARM BUZZING

CAR ALARM BABY CRYING

How was that?

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