Original subtitles

If the world In which you're living

Gets a bit too much to bear

And you need someone to lean on

When you look there's no-one there

You're gonna find me

Out in the country

Yeah, you're gonna find me

THUNDER RUMBLES Way out in the country.

SHEEP BLEATS

HE SIGHS

Thanks. What's the matter?

Oh, it's this stupid company in Middlesbrough.

They're still not happy with their website.

"Can it be exciting and dynamic?"

"No, cos you sell stairlifts.

"If you want exciting and dynamic, stick a rocket on them."

Have you ever thought about working for social services?

I mean, their customers aren't interested in websites.

They don't do online shopping.

They like the personal touch where they can go into a showroom

and bang on about their grandchildren.

I think you should take a break. You've been at it all day.

You need to switch off for a bit.

Watch some cats playing piano on YouTube or something.

CAT PLAYS: 'Nocturne op.9 No.2' by Frederic Chopin

HE CHUCKLES

HE LAUGHS

KNOCKING ON WINDOW

BOTH: Coo-eee!

I bet he told you he was working.

He was watching pussycats, wasn't he?

Oh, Steve...

And the cat was playing the piano. Who's cat is it?

How the hell should I know?!

Sorry, er...

It was a cat on YouTube.

Why don't you two go and play outside?

Anyway, the reason we came round, you know the fundraising week?

To buy a defibrillator for the village hall.

Everyone's doing their bit.

So we thought, "Why not challenge Nicky and Steve

"to a charity dine-off?"

You mean like Come Dine With Me? Sort of.

I've made a few improvements. It'll be great fun.

We each host a dinner party.

At the end of the meal, the guests decide how much it was worth

and donate that amount to the fundraiser.

What, so the winner is the one whose dinner raises the most money?

Well, it's not really about winning. I mean, the village is the winner.

But there will be a winner, yeah.

I know, Dad, but it's for everyone.

That's the whole point of an emergency defibrillator.

You can't put a sign on it saying, "Not for use on Ralph Norris."

All right, yeah.

Bye, then.

How's it going? Yeah. All done.

See?

I was right. You just needed a break.

Chaperone Stairlifts finally settled

for an exciting and dynamic background tone of beige.

After all that? Yeah, still.

At least it's finished. Good.

In that case, you can help me dad tomorrow.

Help your dad, doing what?

He's just laying a path in his garden

and needs a hand lifting a few concrete slabs.Oh, great!

Oh, it'll only take half an hour. He's worried about his back.

Yeah, but not mine, obviously. It'll do you good, a bit of exercise.

Work up an appetite for these dinner parties.

Oh, yeah, I can't wait.

An intimate evening with those two quinoa-eating toss pots.

It's five past. I thought we said ten o'clock.

Are you paying him by the hour, then?

Right, come on, Mr Universe, let's get those slabs lifted.

You'll be wanting these.

Great, thanks.

Right, I'm going to nip to the shop. I'll be back in a bit.

Don't work him too hard.

I don't think he has that setting.

Morning!

MAN: Yeah, we'll have two cases of them.

Oh, hang on, I'll check.

Shannon!

Do we need any more bleach?

You what?

Do we need to order more bleach?

I'll have a look.

Have we got any bleach?

Erm...

It should be on t'bottom shelf.

Next to t'lemonade.

I said, "They're not the Elgin Marbles.

"I'll give you 30 quid for the lot." No, that is a good price, Ken.

It might be quicker if you did two at a time.

Yeah, they are pretty heavy, actually.

So, Nicky tells me you've arranged a charity dinner party.

Well, we thought we might as well show willing.

It is for the village, after all.

Sounds like a daft idea to me.

So, are you doing anything, Ken, you know, for the fundraising week? Me?

I'm cycling round France. Are you?

Then I'm doing a triathlon.

After that, a parachute jump. Right.

No, we had a whip-round at the darts.

Stan passed his hat around, raised 24 quid.

Now all we've got to do is get the Brylcreem off it.

Careful, they're not cheap, those.

You've got four packets.

Four custard powder!

What about gravy granules?

What about...? You've got three.

Can I just pay for these? Three gravy granules!

?2.40.

Will you sponsor us? It's for a defibrillator.

We're doing a sponsored drive. Oh, where are you going?

Me sister's in Bradford.

Don't you go there most weekends anyway?

Yeah.

Got to do our bit, in't we?

Oh, absolutely.

Me and Steve, we're doing a charity dine-off.

You know, like Come Dine With Me.

What are you doing for entertainment?

Oh, we hadn't really thought about it.

You need entertainment or they'll mark you down.

Slag you off in t'taxi on t'way home.

Magic Malcolm? He's Shannon's cousin.

Oh, great, someone who's learnt card tricks in prison.

I couldn't say no. It was either him

or Shannon was offering to come and do karaoke.

How much is he charging? 25 quid.

Ooph... I know.

But think of it as 25 quid

to not watch Shannon screeching Simply The Best.

Let's hope he's good. Maybe he can make Matt and Meena disappear. Hm.

Is that Grizzo?

It looks like he's taken up horse riding.

Bit sedate for him, I'd have thought.

CAMEL HONKS

Oh, my mistake.

Ha-hey! Nicky, Steve, are you all right?

Where did you get that? What, this?

Versace, I think. I meant the camel.

Oh! Right, yeah.

What it was, I've started this new dairy-free thing

cos it helps you concentrate.

The thing is, I've got to have milk in my tea.

So a mate says, "Why not try camel milk?"

I thought, "I might as well give it a go."

It turns out there's a geezer in Cornwall selling them.

So I borrowed a horse transporter, drove through the night,

come back the next day with this beauty.

Can't you just buy camel milk?

Er...

That's a good point, actually.

Yeah, I might look into that. Cheers.

Anyway, see you.

Hup! Hup! Hup!

We just have to remember it's for a good cause.Is it, though?

A defibrillator? A nice big heart attack is my way out of this place.

Oh, lovely.Maybe I could get a "do not resuscitate" badge.

You should say a few words at the unveiling. It'd be quite moving.

Anyway, there you go. One vegetarian shepherd's pie.

It looks all right.

Bit of a stupid name, though, isn't it?

I mean, why even mention the shepherd?

The important thing is we remembered the vegetarians.

I wouldn't mind, but when we go round to their place,

by rights, they should have to cook meat. That's my dietary requirement.

I like meat. So, please, cook some. You sound like my dad.

He actually once said that vegans shouldn't be allowed to drive

cos they might faint at the wheel.

Well...

How are the starters coming on? The home-made mushroom tartlets?

The packet was a bit tricky to open, but I'm pleased with them.

Thank God for the superstore, even if it is a two-hour drive.

I mean, why do we have to go to all this trouble?

Why not just give the money to the fundraising week?

Because that would be missing the whole point of a charity dine-off.

Making Matt look better than us. Yeah...

Mm, that smells yummy.

So, who's looking after...?

Silas and Pips. Yeah, them.

My sister's doing the honours. She's great with kids.

Taught them how to make paper last time.How do you make paper?

It's really easy. You just get some scrap paper.

You tear it into pieces. Soak it in some water.

Pulp it with a pestle and mortar. Add starch.

Pour it into a frame. Press it. Dry it.

Voila. There's your paper.

But didn't you start off with paper?

Anyway, the kids loved it.

This is lovely.

Mm... Is it all right?

Yeah, it's...fine.

It could have been a tad colder, but...

Well, I'll put it back in the fridge. Probably a good idea.

DOORBELL RINGS

Mm, that'll be the entertainment.

See? Mm, you were right.

Matt said you wouldn't remember to provide entertainment.

I underestimated you.

Well, I think you'll find there's a bit of magic in the air tonight.

Bronson, what are you doing here? Me mum sent me.

Where's Magic Malcolm? He can't make it.

Sick or summat. So, I'm here instead.

That's very nice of you. But you can't do magic.

Yeah, I can. I'll show you.

Go on, then. Well, let us in, then.

Erm, that one.

This one?

Oh, unlucky.

Look, it's here. That is amazing!

Well done!

Right, let's make it more interesting. Your turn.

Now, watch carefully...

Do you know where it is? Yes.

Right, put a pound down. If you're right, I'll double your money.

That one. Sure?

Yep.

Fair play.

There you go.

Well done, Matt.

Steve, your turn.

Right, here's the ball.

Under it goes.

Now, watch carefully...

Keep your eyes on the prize.

Now, where is it? It's there.

Are you sure? Yeah.

You're not going to change your mind?No.

It's under that one.

Hey?

Nicky. No, I want another go.

Steve!

It's all right, I know how he's doing it.

OK.

Come on, Steve, make your mind up.

I'm trying to concentrate.

It's that one. Sure?

Yeah.

I really think it's this one.

I saw him put the ball under it and move it across.Well, we all saw it.

It's a trick. If it was that easy, you'd get it right every time.

I did.

So, which one is it, then? It's that one.

You're not going to change your mind?No.

Oh, that is bad luck.

She did say...

All right, I'll tell you what...

Steve, that's enough. Thanks, Bronson.

Well done. You were brilliant.

So...

You've got my fee, then? Well, no, you've got it.

It's 25 quid. Me mum said.

Right...

So, before we reveal how much your meal was worth...

..I do have some feedback.

We've had a lovely evening. Thank you.

Oh, glad you did.

However, we do have one or two little notes.

Remember, it's meant as constructive criticism. It's all part of the fun.

So, leaving aside Prosecco Gate.

Er, the starter...

Those mushroom tartlets were delicious.

Thanks.

But...home-made?

Yeah. I saw Nicky make them.

And I saw the packaging in the bin.Sorry.

Well, I didn't mean home-made.

I meant home-heated-up.

Mm...

Er, the main course...

Oh, that was definitely home-made. I don't doubt it.

One word...

Seasoning.

The chocolate mousse was very nice.

Once I found it underneath all that cream.

You managed to eat it all, though, didn't you?

Shall we just move on to the marking?

There was one thing you did excel at.

We loved your entertainment.

I really enjoyed that.

Did you?

So, all in all,

we say your dinner was worth...

..?12.50.

HE SCOFFS That's still good.

Well, let's hope that Meena and I can raise a bit more than that

when it's our turn, eh?

Morning, Ken. Right, let's get this done, then.

It's just picking up a few bags of gravel.

So, is this for the path, then?

No, I'm going to sprinkle it on me cornflakes.

So, how did that dinner party go the other night?

Yeah, it went pretty well. Well, how much money did you raise?

We won't know until we've been to Matt and Meena's

for the return match. We're going tonight, actually.

Hello, who's this? Oh, that's Grizzo on his camel.

On his what?

He's got a camel. You watch. Are you feeling all right?

25 quid says he's on a camel. You're on.

HORSE SNORTS

Dear, oh, dear...

Oh...

Seriously, those bags of gravel are heavier than they look.

I think I might... Steve, we're not cancelling.

Oh, God, do we have to go? It's going to be the worst evening ever.

Oh, two words - Brian and Keith.

Ah, since we left Leeds.

Three hours they spent banging on about their new washing machine.

And you remember that fun game they made us play after dinner?

Guess Our Favourite 20 Department Stores. Exactly!

And that wasn't even for charity.

If we can survive that, we can survive Matt and Meena.

Just go with the flow and, before you know it, it'll all be over.

You make it sound like a trip to Dignitas.

It won't be that much fun.

There we go, two nice glasses of CHILLED Prosecco.

Would you like one of these?

Hey? Viola flowers.

From our garden. They're edible.

Oh, we'll be the judge of that.

That's what we're here for, after all.They are very moreish.

Yummy.

Have you told them?

Oh, yes, we've got some very special entertainment lined up,

haven't we, Pips? We're going to do a puppet show.

And the two pigs were very sad

because Snatchy had taken their toys.

Oh, lovely! Yeah, that's great.

And the next day, Snatchy went to see someone else.

Hello, Snatchy, I'm reading my book.

Er, no, it's the cat next.

You've done the pig. Which one shall we do?

We chose the last one. All right, just do the dog.

What are you doing, Snatchy? I'm reading my book.

But you haven't got a book. Yes, I have.

Because I'm Snatchy the crocodile, and I take what I want.

They wrote it all by themselves. Did they?

And the next day, Snatchy went to see Molly the cat.

..he saw that he had made all his friends sad.

You can say that again.

And so Snatchy said sorry.

Sorry!

The end.

Half an hour of pure gold.

Bravo!

More!

Oh, no, I think, actually, someone's coming.

Ah... We've got a little surprise for you.

Come through to the kitchen.

Give me your wallet.

In case it's Bronson.

Meena and I were talking about it afterwards

and one of the things we felt was lacking at your dinner...

..was the right mix of guests. Yeah.With you on that.

So, we put our thinking caps on and...

Ta-da!

Brian! Keith!

Hello! How do you...?

We met them at your house-warming party.

We thought it'd be lovely for you two to spend the evening

catching up with old friends. Sorry we're late.

There was a tailback just outside Helmsley.

I said, "Use the satnav." But Brian's old school.

I prefer maps.To be fair, he found a very good route.

B1257.

BRIAN AND KEITH LAUGH

Mm...!

Cauliflower steak...

It's one of Meena's specialities. It's delicious.

I didn't think you could top the risotto, but you have.

Cauliflower steak...

You just slice up a cauliflower and bake in the oven.

It's all in the seasoning.When vegetables can be this delicious,

I honestly don't understand why anyone would eat meat.

Do you eat meat, Steve? When I can.

Can we do our puppet show again?

Oh, great idea.

How about after dinner? BOTH: Yay!

So, how's the gardening work going,Nicky? Slowly but surely.

We're still relying on Steve's web design business.

Oh, dear, better stop watching cats playing piano on the Internet, then.

So, Keith and I were wondering, how did you two meet?

That is a long story.

Now, in 1995, I was living in Chepstow.

Although he was working in Gloucester.

Funnily enough, Meena was...

Oh, close!

And they're no longer in business.

Yes, but it's not British Home stores.

Comet.

Oh!

That's not really a department store.Army & Navy.

Yes! Well done!

You've got all 20.

Great! Anyway... Oh, yes, now for the fun part.

Meena, got the clipboard?

There you go.

Thanks.

Be gentle with us. No, no, be honest.

Constructive criticism, that's what we're after.

Can we not just decide on the amount and then...?

No, go and compare notes, come back and let us know how we've done.

I honestly don't think I could fault it.Me neither.

It's been superb.

This has been great, hasn't it?

Yeah, I've really enjoyed it.

I'd say it's been "superb".

Yeah, I was going to say "superb".

Right, you get started.

I'll go and review the toilet facilities.

Oh, I'll get started all right...

They make their own soap. What is wrong with them?

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER FROM NEXT ROOM How's it going?

Shut the door.

How does this sound?

"I can honestly say that tonight has been utterly hellish.

"I would rather eat my way through

"a bin bag of putrefied hospital waste..."

Give me that.

Can you do that with a defibrillator?

I'd happily watch Matt try. SHE CHUCKLES

I'll do the real one, shall I?

Yes, please.

LAUGHTER

It was hilarious! Poor Steve!

Bronson took him to the cleaners. He kept saying, "Do it again."

And he kept getting it wrong.

He must have lost at least ?30. That much?!

He couldn't have looked more of a mug if you'd filled him with cocoa.

That is so funny!

Can we do our puppet show now?

See if Nicky and Steve have finished with their comments.

LAUGHTER

I don't know what they're laughing about. Oh, who cares?

Let's just get this over with.

Snatchy wants to know if you've finished.

Not quite. Yes, you have!

No! Snatchy, come...

The jury's verdict is in. That's not quite ready.

First impressions, that's all we're after.

Honestly, I wouldn't read that. It's fine.

We just want to know what you thought of our evening.

No, you don't. Come on, then.Let's hear it.

Read it! Read it!

ALL: Read it! Read it! Read it! Read it!

"I can honestly say that tonight has been utterly...hellish.

"I would rather eat my way through..."

I'm not even going to read the next bit.Yeah, look, we were...

"As for the food presentation..."

Well, let's just say there's mention of a Labrador and a pavement.

That's uncalled for, Steve.

"Moving on to the surprise guests...

"There are two reasons why we left Leeds.

"They are called Brian and Keith."

HE GASPS

And then there's something about a defibrillator

that I also won't read. Matt, Steve was only...

"Oh, and another thing,

"you can call it steak all you like, veggie bum,

"but it's still cauliflower."

Shall we just call it a draw?

When the world In which you're living

Gets a bit too much to bear

And you need someone to lean on

When you look There's no-one there

You're gonna find me

Out in the country

Yeah, you're gonna find me

Way out in the country.

SHEEP BLEATS

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