Original subtitles

Ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, Ba-ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba-ba

When the world In which you're living

Gets a bit too much to bear

And you need someone to lean on When you look there's no-one there

You're gonna find me Out in the country

You're gonna find me Way out in the country.

Yes! Got my driving licence back. Good.

Try and keep it a bit longer this time.

It's a known fact those speed cameras can be wrongly calibrated.

And you had the bad luck to find four of them.

Must have been a duff batch.

Well, then, the whole of Leeds would have got 12 points on their licence,

whereas it was just you. You're worse than the magistrate.

Still blaming her, are you? She had it in for me.

Obviously with hindsight,

I wouldn't have been so rude about caravan owners.

How was I to know she had one?

Anyway, from now on, I am sticking to the speed limit.

Which is, on a country road...?

It varies. It certainly does when you're driving.

You're like a changed man when you get behind the wheel.

You're an addict. I'm not.

I'm not! So, anyway, do we need anything from the shop? No.

I think we've got everything we need.

Except a roof, but I don't think they sell those.

I know, why don't we drive over and see your dad?

My dad? You want to go and see my dad?

Yeah, I do.

Well, luckily, he's coming over here later.

Apparently, he's got some good news.

Oh, yeah? How long's he got?

Oi! He is my dad.

You are looking at the new president

of the Garthdale and District Bowls Club.

Well done, Dad. Congratulations, Ken.

43 votes to 7.

Third biggest margin in the history of the club, apparently.

That's amazing.

I mean, expected, but amazing.

Seven votes. Poor old Ralph Norris.

I don't think the committee was ready for a transgender president.

Is Ralph Norris transgender?

No, of course not.

But that's the rumour that someoneput about. Dad, that's terrible.

He had it coming. Ever since he spiked the tea at the whist drive.

28 quid I lost.

Dennis Brigstock was sick into his hat on the bus home.

Nice. So is there gonna be a party?

A party? There's an official inauguration ceremony,

this Saturday.

Brass band, photographer, the lot.

On which subject, how would you like a bit of gardening work?

What, at the Bowls Club?

No, Kew Gardens (!) Where do you think I mean?That'd be great, Dad.

I mean, I haven't got any experience of bowling greens...

No, I don't mean the green. That's the groundsman's job.

Yeah, come on, Nicky. Sacred turf!

It's like the centre court at Wimbledon (!)

It's more sacred than that.

We wouldn't let Andy Murray slide around on our green.

He'd be out on his ear.

Him and his mother! What have you got against Judy?

No, I'm just saying.

The bowling green is a specialist job.

Now, do you want this work or not?

You don't have to give me a lift. It's no trouble.

I'll just drop you off and I'll go to the shop.

We don't need anything. We do, I remembered.

I've run out of envelopes. A4 envelopes.

Have you (?) Yes.

I know you. As soon as you're on your own,

you will be racing round the lanes at 80 mph.

I will not.

Anyway, I don't think this could do 80. Well, let's not find out.

ALL: Coo-ee! Oh!

Glad we caught you. We were just wondering...

Would you mind if we picked some of those nettles?Please do.

I was gonna spray them with weedkiller.

We don't like weedkiller. Neither do nettles.

That's why I was gonna spray it on them.

Hm. That's a pity, Steve.

Nettles are a really good food source.

Meena's been given this amazing recipe book.Ta-da!

"101 Things To Do With Nettles." Look at that, Steve.

You can make nettle tea. Nettle soup.

Nettle quiche. Nettle smoothies.

Nettle risotto. Nettle loaf.

BOTH: Nettle porridge. Nettle scones.

Yeah, like it says, 101 things.So, do you mind if we help ourselves?

Pick as many as you like.

CHEERING Nettles are our friends!

Well, you go and play with them, then.

Yum, nettle porridge (!) The fun never stops at their house.

I can think of another recipe.

Take one bunch of stinging nettles and shove them up Matt's...

HORN TOOTS Yeah, all right.

TOOTING CONTINUES

I'm not having this. Steve...

Oh, come off it. I can't let him get away with that.

INSISTENT TOOTING

Just stick to the speed limit.

Really (?)

Just pull over and let him go past.

Oh.

Steve, Nicky. All right, Grizzo.

Oh, it's you.

Didn't you hear me? I've been going like this:

HORN TOOTS

You kept speeding up. I thought, "Hello, he wants a race."

No, he doesn't want a race.

No. That is a lovely car, though.

This? Yeah, bit of a weird one.

I was in Turin, plugging a new album, and they just give me it.

I had to drive it all the way home.

It didn't take long, to be fair. You should borrow it some time.

Steve?I know. Mirror, signal, manoeuvre. Hm.

I'll pick you up at five.

You sure you don't want anything from the shop?

See if you can get a smile out of Shannon.She's not that bad.

I think a lot of it might be your attitude.

MY attitude?

Hiya, how's it going?

Oh! I'm good, thanks. How are you, Shannon?

Do you mind? I'm on t'phone to me sister.

I'll take you off speakerphone. Right.

Sorry about that, Caz.

Customer came in and started talking at me.

No, the new ones. What bought house in the Dip.

I know. LAUGHS

Look at that.

Never mind bowls, we could play billiards on that.

Do you want me to dig some holes in the corners, then?

Don't you set foot on it. Anyway, you've got your work cut out.

These hedges want doing, the tubs need sorting.

I want it looking top-notch in time for my inauguration.

Well, best crack on, then. So why did the last gardener leave?

Have you met our club secretary?

Terry, this is my daughter, Nicky.

Pleased to meet you. Do you bowl?

No, I don't. That's a shame.

We did have a father and daughter team

who were runners-up in the mixed pairs.

That was in the Eldritch Cup in 1986.

And then the following year, they played separately.

Bob was in the men's pairs,

Liz was in the ladies pairs. And guess what?

They both came runners-up. Again!

ALL LAUGH Really?

Right, well, I'll leave you to it, then.

Good luck.

So, you don't bowl at all?

No, it were an infected toenail. I did.

He gave me some tablets, but I came out in a rash.

I thought I'd leave it alone for a few days.All right?

Hi, Bronson.

Erm, you don't happen to know if you've...

Oh. Breakfast? Yeah.

What - that just goes back on the shelf, does it? Huh.

You don't happen to know if you've got any of those, erm...

..A4 envelopes?

I don't know. Ask me mum.

Thanks for your help, anyway.

The nail popped off like a bottle top. Yeah.

The sock had fused with the scab.

Now, he also had a Honda Civic, but it was a 1.6 litre

and he couldn't get used to the clutch on it.

He lived on a road with quite a steep gradient.

Did he?

Eventually, he traded it in for a Ford Mondeo Estate.

Terry, I really must get on.

Shouldn't you be cutting that back a bit further?

Yeah. Right.

Bye. Sorry to bother you... Bye, then.

Do you have any A4 envelopes?

Don't stock 'em.

Is there a reason for that?

Gareth!

Is there a reason we don't stock A4 envelopes?

GARETH: No!

Someone wants A4 envelopes!

Why don't we stock 'em?

There's no demand!

There's no demand. Well...

You could try the superstore over at Redborough.

It's a bit of a drive, but they've got everything there.Ah.

That's a good idea. Thank you, Alice. See?

You've lost yourself a customer.

You're only a customer if you buy something.

Yeah, and the reason I didn't buy something is...

Anyway, I'm gonna drive to the superstore.

In that case, could I come with you? There's a couple of things I need.

It's further than I remember.

Can't you go any faster? Yes, I could,

but the speed limit's there for a reason.

Oh, would you mind turning round?

Sorry?

I forgot me carrier bags.

It's all right, I've got plenty in the boot.

They charge you for them these days.

Yeah, I know. But like I say...

I'm going to need quite a few.

I've got a boot load of them.

Are you sure you've got enough?

Alice, I promise you

I've got more carrier bags than a dolphin's stomach.

It's further than I remember.

It certainly feels like it.

INAUDIBLE CHATTING

I'm just checking I've got everything on my list.

I really think you have, Alice. I'm stocking up for the winter.

Who are you expecting, the Russian Army?

Oh! Gravy granules.

Er, no...

Got them. So, shall we get in the car?

Those are beef. I wanted chicken as well.

Beef gravy goes really nicely with chicken.

It's not the same.

If you wouldn't mind...

Right.

Sorry, sorry. Where have you been?

I've been sat here 45 minutes!

I had to go to the superstore in Redborough.

What? Oh, I see.

The one that's a nice long drive away,

over the moors on the empty road.

How did it go, Stig?

I got roped into taking Alice. She was in there for hours.

Ended up with eight tons of tinned goods in the back of the car.

It was like working for the Red Cross. Didn't you get my text?

I did, but I couldn't read it cos I was driving.

At the correct speed.

Go and ask Alice. She might invite you in for a cup of gravy.

All right, I believe you.I told you, my speeding days are over.

HORN BLARES

Steve! Nicky!

Hi, Grizzo.

Steve, when are you gonna take this for a spin, then?

Very kind of you. I'd better not. Thanks, anyway.

All right. Well, if you change your mind...

You know you want to.

REVS ENGINE

Ba, ba-ba-ba-ba...

Ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, Ba-ba-ba-ba...

Salad, Ken? Thanks.

We'd offer you some nettles, only Matt and Meena have eaten them all.

So, how did you get on at the club?

Yeah, nearly done.

I'd have finished today if it wasn't for your club secretary.

Ah, yes. Tedious Terry. Sorry about him.

Did he tell you about his barometer collection? He did.

And his bloody snuff boxes.

Whatever you do, don't mention Commonwealth stamps.

Or you'll be there till Christmas.

What time is the inauguration ceremony?

Six thirty. Should be a good night.

There's gonna be a barbecue and a disco later.

No doubt a few pints will be had!

Let's just say I've ordered a cab.

Actually, I was thinking, Ken, I've got my driving licence back...

Oh, dear. Nigel Mansell's back at the wheel, is he?

Lock up your pheasants!

To be fair, he has stuck to the speed limit.

He's a reformed character. That's what they said about Bronson.

The day before he set fire to the mobile library.

Anyway, I was gonna offer you a lift.

A lift?

It'll save you the cost of a cab and I don't mind not drinking.

Well, if you're sure.

There you go, Dad. It's your big night.

It's the least I can do.

ENGINE REVVING

You ready, Nicky? Yeah, I'm coming.

You having fun?

We're wearing magic gloves.

Aren't those just ordinary washing-up gloves?

I was just saying to Meena,

I can't believe you haven't picked these nettles yourselves.

I made some soup with the first batch.

Gonna treat ourselves to a nice hot bowl when we get home.

Mm, yummy... WHISPERING

Is he all right?

Silas was wondering if Steve is going to keep the engine on

while we're talking.

It's bad for the planet. And for little lungs.

Eh, Pips? COUGHS

You're all right. We're going anyway or I'll be late for work.

Mind you don't sting yourselves.

Now, the interesting thing about Fiji

is they left the Commonwealth in 1987 and rejoined in 1997.

Did they? Now, if you don't mind...

So, should I collect the stamps issued in the interim period

or should I not?

RIFF FROM SMOKE ON THE WATER PLAYS

Hey, Steve! I like the door chime.

It's good, innit? Did you see the effects?

What? Press it again.

RIFF PLAYS AGAIN

Look behind you.

Smoke On The Water. Get it? Yeah. With the music and the...

It's very clever.

I was gonna do Purple Rain.

Press the doorbell and you get sprayed with Ribena.

But thought it might get a bit messy.

You wouldn't want the Osmonds turning up, would you?

Eh?

Didn't they use to wear white suits?

I don't know what you're talking about, Steve.

No, fair enough. I've got a favour to ask.

Yeah, come in.

Whereas Australia didn't issue its first postage stamp until 1913.

Terry, I really must get this finished.

Those shears look a bit blunt to me.

I'll go and get you the sharpening stone.

Honestly... It's no trouble.

Now, Canada's first stamp was the first stamp

anywhere in the world to feature an animal rather than a monarch,

and can you guess what that animal was?

Hello? KNOCKING ON DOOR

And then maybe we can make some nettle scones.Yay!

Stand back, everyone. Gas guzzler approaching.

COUGHING

Yep, that's not too shabby. Not bad at all.

Thanks, Dad.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

What's that banging noise? Banging?

Coming from in here.

Hello, Terry. What are you doing in there?

I wondered where you'd got to. Did you not hear me?

No, sorry. I had these on.

I was talking to you when I went in. Then the door just slammed shut.

Oh, strange. I wonder how that happened?

It's a complete mystery.

It was a beaver. What?

The animal on the Canadian stamp. A beaver.

"Not too shabby." Pretty good, coming from your dad.

That's a five-star review from him.

So what time did we say we'd pick him up? About 6 o'clock.

What's Grizzo doing here? Ah, now...

Hang on, where's our car?

I was gonna talk to you about all that.

Were you?

TOOTS HORN

Very nice. Italian.

This certainly beats Garthdale Minicabs.

Nobody's thrown up in the ashtray, for a start. Was this your idea?

No. It was all Steve's.

Hey, I bet this can shift. Oh, yes.

Twin turbo, nought to 60 in four seconds.

Top speed of 190.

Not that I feel the need to prove it. Those days are behind me.

Just wait till Ralph Norris sees me pull up in this.

He'll never live it down.

He's two minutes late, Ralph.

APPLAUSE

Thanks for this, Steve.

You're welcome, Ken.

BRASS BAND STARTS PLAYING

MUSIC: 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow'

Afternoon, Ralph.

Thank you.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTING

I must say, Ken, the grounds are in great shape.

Well, that's how it's gonna be on my watch, Terry.

In fact, it's the best it's looked since 1994,

when Bob Patterson was president. Now, interestingly...

EVERYONE GROANS

Give it a rest, or you'll get locked up in that shed again.

LAUGHTER

Nettle scone, anyone? They're gluten free.

Have you got any that are nettle free?

LAUGHTER

Hey, Meena. Where's Matt?

Daddy's not well.

Oh, no. Poor Matt. What's up with him?

It was the nettle soup. We all had some.

It was lovely, wasn't it?

But it turns out Matt's allergic to nettles.

Oh. Allergic to nettles? That is bad luck.

I know. He's being very brave about it.

Stupid bloody nettles!

ENGINE STARTS

MUSIC: 'Smoke On The Water' by Deep Purple

MUSIC STOPS

TYRES SCREECH

Sorry about that.

I think you can still use that bit over there. You know, for...

Ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, Ba-ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba-ba

When the world in Which you're living

Gets a bit too much to bear

And you need someone to lean on

When you look there's no-one there

You're gonna find me Out in the country

You're gonna find me

Way out in the country.

Subtitles by TVT

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0