Original subtitles

[Music playing]

[Echo boom noise]

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

I think the pizza guy is here.

So let him in.

Now, you... you guys know you can get

In serious trouble for this.

You're not supposed to bring any outside food on campus,

Especially not in the dorms.

What am I supposed to do, man?

I'm tired of the cafeteria food... same processed

Shit night after night.

Sometimes a man wants a little Italian up in here.

Yes.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Come on in. - All right.

Cool. Thanks.

All right.

Uh, you got a large deep dish pizza here...

Hold the garlic, extra sauce.

It'll be, uh, $12.63.

Now hold on.

Hold on.

You guys know all the rules are here to keep everyone safe.

(LAUGHS) What kind of rules you guys talking about?

Ah, stupid shit, man, like uh, them

Not letting us order pizza on campus.

They won't let you order a pizza on campus?

Man.

That's harsh.

Looks like you guys don't care too much about the rules

Though. Huh?

You don't know the half of it, man.

Come to think of it, who are they to say that you

Can't order a pizza on campus?

That's what we've been saying.

I mean, there's something wrong if you can't

Eat a pizza in your own room.

Huh?

[Sliding noise]

NARRATOR: (EERILY) There's a place where darkness reigns

And where the gates of Hell are ripped wide open.

And that place is known as Doomsday County.

THEME SONG: Welcome to Doomsday County.

Welcome to Doomsday County.

Come and see the sights.

This place like Hell on Earth, filled with horror frights.

Down here in Doomsday County, vampires do exist.

[Inaudible] from a broken life abyss.

Welcome to Doomsday County.

Whoa.

Welcome to Doomsday County.

Come inside!

Welcome to Doomsday County.

Whoa.

Welcome to Doomsday County.

It's how you die.

[Evil laugh]

[Scream]

[Screaming]

[Growling]

Cut!

All right guys.

Good job.

It's a wrap.

Hey, let's get house lights up.

We're done for today.

Everyone, that's a wrap on Joe.

[Cheering]

And thanks for all the PA's.

Great job. Good job.

Yeah.

Thanks guys.

All right.

Listen up.

You should all be about finished with your final project now.

From what I heard in there it sounded pretty good.

Um, all you have to do is get it edited

And back to me by next class.

So I want you to start cleaning everything

Up and listen for attendance.

OK?

Holy fucking shit!

There is no doubt that we are the best

Class at Doomsday Tech.

Nobody comes close.

No one's going to break us down.

We are so strong.

Our lighting is so good.

I'm so proud of you, my brothers and sisters.

I... [groan].

It's assholes like that that give us a bad name!

Damn, Paul.

PROFESSOR: Mark.

Here.

Why you always got to mess everything up?

Eric!

Paul blew out the Xenon bulb.

All right.

I'll be right out.

All right, uh, who's got gloves?

I'm kind of glad this happened because it'll

Give me a chance to show you guys

How to change the Xenon bulb.

You want to be really careful with these one,

Because they're hot, and two, because they're explosive.

They're actually filled with a poisonous gas that

Could be fatal if inhale it.

So you want to be really careful with them.

Um.

I don't personally know what would happen

If we dropped one of these, so let's

Be safe and let's be smart.

OK?

[Zap noise]

[Scream]

[Crash]

[Coughing]

[Screaming]

Guys, we got a class at 1:00, right?

Yeah. Why?

What time is it?

Five til 1:00.

Shit. Oh.

We got to get going. No.

No. No.

The other... the other class hasn't left yet.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

I've been sitting here an hour, and, uh, they

Always come through the door.

So I think they're still working on the zombie movie.

Hey, well, ladies, I'm going to go see what's going on.

Oh, cool.

They're using the fire machine.

Hey.

Hey, buddy.

Are you in this, uh, advanced lighting class?

Oh, my fault. I didn't realize you guys were still filming.

Oh, sweet.

You guys got some kickass makeup for this shoot.

[Zap]

Oh, sick.

Oh, man.

Whew.

Really, where's Eric?

Damn.

You guys are uh, really getting into this.

Should be awesome.

Oh, man.

Eric, I didn't know you were working on this with them.

Dude, is that real glass in your neck?

[Mm]

Holy shit!

That was really in your neck.

[Gurgle sounds]

Did anyone hear that?

Hear what?

That screaming.

I heard a scream coming from the lab room.

Advanced Lighting's still working on the zombie movie.

That's why we're waiting.

Is Billy still in there?

Monica likes Billy.

Shut up.

Hello!

Eric?

Anybody?

Billy?

Billy!

Billy!

Billy, is that you?

Come on, Billy.

This isn't funny.

Hello?

Anybody!

Hello!

Who's there?

[Scream]

[Gurgling]

[Scream]

Good morning, filmmakers.

Now, if everyone can open a Microsoft Word document,

We can start.

All right.

Today we are continuing our hero cycle.

So for our...

Hey, Taps.

Everyone, this is Mike.

He's working in lighting right now.

And he's going to talk to us about the project

They're working on.

Hey guys.

Like he said, I'm Mike and I'm in lighting, and uh, right now

We're working on our final project, which is a short film.

But we're going to need some help with it.

So if anyone wants to come down and PA... that's a Production

Assistant for those of you who might not know... um,

We got a sign up sheet in the lighting room

Over in building two.

Thanks.

Thanks, Mike.

PA work is actually a good way to get your foot in the door.

So during the break I recommend you walk over and sign up.

Anyway...

Aw, man, I thought I was going to be late.

Well, you are.

We all are.

Advanced Lighting is still in there

Working on their zombie movie.

Class got out like 20 minutes.

Should we go check it out?

Billy and Monica went to check it out already.

They're not back yet?

(LAUGHING) I didn't even notice.

All right. I've had enough.

I'm going in.

Monica.

[Gurgle]

[Buzz]

Billy?

[Screaming]

[Scream music playing]

[Yelling and screaming]

Look.

They can't come in because of the sign.

We're safe as long as we're in this room.

Is everybody all right?

What are those things?

They look like zombies, but I'm not sure.

How did they get here?

I don't know.

Where is the other lighting class?

Goddammit.

I don't know.

Just shut the fuck up for a second and let me think.

[Sigh] Was anyone bitten?

What?

Bitten.

Were either of you bitten?

If those things out there are zombies and either of you

Were bitten, you get the picture.

I was.

Son of a bitch got my arm.

Jesus Christ.

What... what if they're not zombies?

Hey, ass kitchen, you telling me those things aren't zombies?

They don't look like any zombie I've seen in a movie.

I'm sorry.

I thought I told you to shut the fuck up.

What happened to that?

Calm the fuck down.

[Yelling]

So what are we going to do?

Kill me.

What?

You heard me.

Just get... just do it.

Are you sure?

Even if we get out of this alive,

I'm still failing this class.

So you can either kill me now or my parents will. [Laughs]

I can't.

[Screaming]

OK.

We'll take our break now.

Go on over to the lighting class and sign up for PA work.

OK.

Be back in 30 minutes.

Hey.

So what did you find?

Night school?

What's the name of it?

No.

Never heard of it.

Well, I'll take whatever I can get.

Yeah.

This place is going to be the end of me one day.

Hello.

Mike?

We're here for the PA.

[Growl]

[Yelling]

[Crackle]

[Scream]

[Yelling]

OK, filmmakers, open up a Microsoft

Word document and let's... oh.

Hey, Roger.

Where is everyone else?

Still at the lighting class, I guess.

I didn't go.

All right, then.

Let's give them a couple more minutes.

[Zap]

[Yelling and screaming]

[Zap]

Roger, will you walk over to the lighting room

And get them back here?

Hello?

What the fuck?

Hey, what are you doing?

[Gurgle]

Holy shit!

Hey!

Help me!

Come on.

Up the stairs.

Are you OK?

Don't worry.

We'll be safe up here.

Got to let Tapia know.

There.

Hopefully he'll get help.

Wait.

What stand was that light on?

Fuck!

[Screaming]

[Buzzing phone]

Sorry, Buffy.

It's my time to shine.

[Screams]

[Crash]

[Gurgles]

Hey, zombies.

[Sizzle]

Not on this day.

[Ugh]

[Growls]

[Crash]

[Grunt]

Hey, Eric.

You know how I like my steaks?

[Growl]

Well done.

[Buzzing and zaps]

Here we are at Doomsday Tech where a major catastrophe

Has just occurred.

There appears that large amounts of Xenon gas

Were found within the lungs of many of the diseased.

And here we have Professor Eddie

Tapia, the man who single-handedly

Wiped out these creatures.

Mr. Tapia, Mr. Tapia, what does it feel like to have fought

Off those xenon monsters?

These zombies?

Yes.

These [inaudible], if you will.

Please just get out of my face and leave me alone.

OK?

How does it feel to be the... The hero of Doomsday County?

Hero?

This county doesn't need a hero.

It needs a vaccination.

What are you going to do now that your whole class has died?

Quit.

[Newscast on television]

MALE NEWS REPORTER (ON TV): This is a Channel 6 Doomsday Special

Report where apparently [inaudible] of Xenon

Bulbs maybe [inaudible] by...

Dale?

Gah.

Where the hell have you been?

You told me you'd be home tonight.

Where the hell were you?

Oh, my god, Dale.

What the hell happened to you?

Hey.

When I get home is when I get home.

Dale, we... we need to get you to a hospital.

May, if we get into that kitchen

And my dinner isn't on the table,

Well, I just better have some fucking pork chops

When we get into that kitchen!

Because if I don't have my chops...

You're scaring me.

Please.

May.

May!

[Squish]

I have another job offer at a different school

At one hopefully that isn't filled with monsters.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

There you have it, Mr. Eddie Tapia, hero of Doomsday

County... [inaudible].

[Record scratch]

Jack and Coke.

That's not how I like it.

Really?

Well, that's how I make it.

Make it again.

Listen, motherfucker.

Unless you want pieces of your teeth

In that drink, that's the way you're going to drink it.

Let me tell you a story.

It's about a man who was minding his business... minding

His business and tending to his business,

When someone shit in his cereal.

Now this man... he liked his cereal just the way it was.

(YELLING) But that didn't matter anymore

Because he had no power!

No fucking power!

Now this little piggy... he came home,

And all he wanted was a Jack and Coke.

And you know what he got?

He got the distinct taste of shit in his fucking cereal!

[Yelling]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Ah]

[Grunts and groans]

I can't leave you alone for five seconds, Chop.

Just fucking shoot him.

Asshole, you get up, you're going to get lead in you.

You OK, Chops?

Behind you!

[Gunshot]

[Shells clanking]

Aw.

Martin, are you OK?

Monty.

Monty, give me your arm.

What the fuck?

Easy.

I told you to just fucking shoot him.

Well, I didn't know how much you had to drink

While I was taking a piss!

Jesus Christ.

I'm going to call the boys.

Damn.

Look at this guy.

[Sirens]

Jesus.

Chops, this guy this ugly before you shot him?

Well, I wouldn't mistake him for Brad Pitt,

But he wasn't this bad.

This guy definitely is allergic to lead.

He looks like a... A moldy sponge.

Yeah.

Well, you know what?

Let's just see who Sponge Bob really is.

Here.

Catch.

Chops.

All right. Here comes the Chief.

Put it back.

Holy shit!

Now we need a clean up crew even when

You guys are off the clock!

What the fuck is wrong with you guys?

Chief, if we weren't here, this would

Be a lot worse than what it is.

Ah.

Shit just seems to follow you two knuckleheads around,

And I'm sick of it!

Yet again you shoot first!

You don't even give the poor son of a bitch

A chance to answer questions later!

So here we've got a man who could've spent

The night in the drunk tank.

But oh, no.

Thanks to you two numb-nuts, what have we got?

Another bullet-ridden corpse for us to clean.

[Blah] [cough] Why don't you two make yourself useful?

Go try to solve a case you've been assigned

And stop giving me new ones.

Somebody get me an idea on this guy!

You know, you ought to tell the chief to add a little

More fiber to his diet.

Fiber?

That guy could eat a fucking oak tree for breakfast

And still be an asshole.

Hey, Willie.

How you feeling?

You know me, boss.

I'll be all right.

I want you to keep us posted on his condition.

Will do.

Just get in touch with me or my partner.

We're both on there.

Thanks.

Come on, buddy.

Hang in there, Willie.

We'll see you soon.

OK?

Take care, man.

Got to do some laundry.

[Sigh]

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that guy was pretty sick looking.

And whatever he had better not be contagious.

And I'm also thinking I want to know as soon as possible

If I'm right.

What's the address?

Jacob Warren, 493 Arbor Drive.

And what's between there and here?

Nothing.

Great.

But there's a Dunkin' Donuts right after.

Done.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

Well, this is the place.

Not a bad-looking home.

Not at all.

As a matter of fact, this is the place

That Lacie and I looked at when we first moved down here.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I remember all of this was under development back then.

But the prices were really good, but we still couldn't swing it.

I don't know about you, but I still can't swing it.

You know what you should do?

You should call my cousin Tommy.

He's a really good Realtor.

Tommy?

Tommy, I got caught with the curling

Irons up my ass at last year's New Years Eve party Tommy?

The guy had his moments, I admit it.

But all strange tendencies aside, the guy's a genius

When it comes to this shit.

Well, yeah.

He's clearly some kind of Renaissance man.

He's also the same guy that paid our very expensive bar tab

Two years ago, French Quarter.

Remember?

This is also the guy who got caught

With a curling iron up his ass.

Anything?

Oh my god!

What?

This curling iron's everywhere!

Fine.

Keep living limit in the slum you live in.

You will never know the joys of living in a good neighborhood.

[Glass shattering]

You know, you're right.

You should give old Tommy a call.

This really is a nice neighborhood. [Snickers]

Come on.

(WHISPERING) Asshole.

Go ahead.

Pussy.

What?

Don't forget to take your shoes off.

Fuck you.

Ugh.

[Grunts] Oh, shit!

Chops!

Feel free to jump in at any [ugh] time!

[Growl]

[Grunting]

[Growling]

Mikey!

Mikey, where are you?

Mikey!

Ah!

[Yelling]

[Growling]

It's all right.

Oh, man.

You got it.

[Dialing]

Yeah.

It's Chops.

You better get a team down to 493

Harbor with mops and buckets.

Yeah.

Tell the chief we're sorry we couldn't hang around.

We had to go make a mess elsewhere.

Yeah, we've got a TV.

Hang on.

This is Patricia Watts and Patty

Watts with great big news.

The reports of violent outbreaking in Doomsday County

Have been confirmed.

The Doomsday Police Department have stated that these attacks

Are true and having an increasing

Both in number and ferocity over the last two hours.

There are numerous that these acts of violence

Are somehow linked to a virus that's

Spreading through the area.

Witness to the occurring have stated

That the assailants are sickly and rabid

In appearance and demeanor.

There is some speculation as to whether this is at all

Connected to the Doomsday Tech Massacre

Where faulty Xenon bulbs were apparently to blame.

And in a related story, Z.O of Mongoo Industries

Has mysteriously disappeared.

The eccentric scientist Dr. Mongoo

Is wanted for questioning concerning

The Doomsday Tech incident as well as a violent outbreak

Of this evening.

Channel 6, Doomsday.

Yeah.

We'll be in touch, Matty.

We're going to keep looking into this thing deeper.

Do me a favor.

Keep the Chief at bay.

All right?

Thanks.

You ready?

Are you enjoying your sandwich?

No.

It's OK, bro.

Please.

[Evil laugh]

I am your friend.

[Laughing]

Now escape.

No more escape.

[Laughing]

Power!

I must have power... power over their pathetic minds

That puts control over every thought... that every action.

No escape.

No more running [inaudible] on my control.

Soon, my friends.

Soon I will have their power.

You will do my bidding... My bidding of old.

No escape.

No escape.

[Laughs] There.

That should do the trick.

Now out you go, my friend.

Time to play.

No escape.

I am your friend.

They are your enemies.

OK.

We got one up front.

Doesn't get much better back here.

Take a look.

Yeah.

Well, that's two.

Means we're still missing one.

Chops, I don't like it.

We haven't seen a car.

We haven't seen a person.

For Christ sakes, we haven't seen a dog for hours.

And we haven't heard from any cops either.

What's really got me surprised is

We haven't heard from the asshole since we let the bar.

Huh.

Speak of a devil.

Yeah.

CHIEF (ON PHONE): Where are you two?

We're headed to Doomsday County.

We think there might be something there.

CHIEF (ON PHONE): Look, We've been talking to Chief Wendell

Over in Doomsday, and they got it about worse than we do.

Uh-huh.

CHIEF (ON PHONE): Their emergency room's not filling

Up as quickly as their morgue.

We haven't been able to get ahold of Wendell

Or anybody else in Doomsday for the last half hour.

The situation's worse than we thought.

What do you mean worse?

CHIEF (ON PHONE): I want you two to wake for backup on this one.

What the hell is going on? (YELLING) Oh, shit!

Give me your phone.

Give me your phone!

It's um... it's sort of dead.

Jesus.

What did the Chief say?

Well, we didn't get that far.

But he did say something about the shit hitting the fan.

Oh, good.

I'm glad to see the Chief's on top of sh... OK.

Heads in the freezers... That I can handle.

But this... this is some serious shit!

Well, he did say something about waiting

For backup on this one.

OK.

Let's just... let's just see where they're going.

I definitely think we found the source.

What do you think?

I think we need more guns.

[Zap]

[Evil laugh]

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors,

Fellow hermetophiles of whatever persuasion,

Inclination, and transformation, greetings and salutations.

[Zaps and buzzing]

Thank you for coming.

We've got to get in there somehow.

Don't be seen.

No shit.

Your sons and your daughters, your sisters are bleeding

For you the world around.

- Dammit. - Shh.

Hurry up. Come on.

All right.

[Interposing voices]

Ready?

A little more.

Wait.

[Inaudible] you put your fucking feet up.

OK. Great.

Good.

Did you step in shit?

Shut up.

Unending, unbridled the lust for blood.

If it's blood they want, then it's blood they'll have.

[Inaudible].

Easy!

I don't need a second asshole.

Now you are a fucking asshole.

Shh.

- Go. - Ouch.

My head. Easy.

Slow.

Their unquenchable thirst for god more and more.

[Grunting]

I hope you have underwear on.

Whoa!

Oh.

Oh.

[Inaudible] one of your [inaudible] here to fall

Beyond human comprehension.

The time to act is now.

Show the world what evil lurks within and outward flows.

Mongoo.

Fucking commie bastard.

May the blood be with you.

[Laughs]

Is that guy serious?

No.

He's a fucking crack pot.

Well, what's the move?

We blow their fucking heads off.

Target practice.

Chops.

What?

Do you need a hug?

Seriously.

[Zap]

I don't know what's in here, Chops.

All right. Be careful.

Be careful.

What the hell is this place?

Your guess is as good as mine.

[Static]

Greetings ladies...

Huh.

There's that crackpot again.

Ugh.

To the [inaudible].

This is the Prince of Research and Blood, Dr. Mongoo speaking,

Assuring you that like all the quality products here at Mongoo

Industries Limited Liability Corporation,

Your guests will satisfy, sanctify,

And glorify your every dream, tender wish,

And fervent desire.

[Static]

And to demonstrate our appreciation,

We're going to graciously put you irrevocably,

Eternally out of your misery.

[Zap]

And as for you two detectives...

What the fuck?

If you thought this [inaudible] an outbreak to the few severed

Heads and sundry body parts stuffed in freezers was bad,

Wait til you see what happens next.

Will Montgomery and Chops escape the house of Mongoo?

Oh, shit!

Let's go!

[Interposing voices]

Holy shit!

Hurry up.

[Interposing voices]

[Zap]

Find out now. [zap] [evil laugh]

[Static]

[Grunting]

Open the fucking door.

I'm trying, man. [inaudible] the fucking door

Get to the basement.

[Inaudible]?

Come on.

Hurry up [inaudible]. I got it.

Go. Go.

Go Go.

[Growling]

All right.

What the fuck are we supposed to do now?

All right. Calm down.

We look for a back door.

We get back in to car.

We get the hell out of here.

Oh my god.

Oh shit.

What?

What the hell?

Those are Communists here.

Fuck you, Chops.

Mm.

I think he's got his fingers in more than just,

Uh, real estate.

Can you be serious for five fucking seconds?

Just look around.

End of the road, detectives.

End of the road, detectives.

[Evil laugh] Meet your new friends.

[Crash]

Bye, now.

[Laughs]

[Grunting]

It's been a pleasure kicking ass beside you, man.

You giving up already, Detective?

It's not looking so good.

It's not over yet.

And I'm not about to let some germy ass

Midget with an army of nothing freaks fuck up my town.

Not on this day! [Whack]

[Growl]

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Snarling]

Whew.

Someone ate their Wheaties this morning.

[Growling]

[Yelling]

[Gunshot]

Fuck!

Chops!

Chops, come on.

We ain't done yet.

If we ain't getting out of here alive

I'm at least killing that fucking Mongoo.

[Coughing and gasping]

What the hell?

Where'd that little fuck go?

This guy's watching the whole fucking town.

This is crazy.

This is nuts.

What the fuck is this, man?

I don't know!

We got to find him.

We got to find him now.

Shit!

[Inaudible] Think of something.

Then it must be something quick.

We're running out of options, Chop.

I'll head for the door.

I'll make three. All right, man.

You go first. You go first.

One, two, three!

[Rapid gunfire]

Whoa!

Detectives Chops and Montgomery.

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Perfect.

[Beep] We need a medic.

We get two normals down here.

Y'all hold tight until we get some help.

Let's move.

[Inaudible].

All roads at Doomsday County have been closed down,

And a strict quarantine has been issued to all still

Living residents in the county.

A man hunt is currently being organized

To locate the infamous Dr. James Mongoo,

Twisted, ex-military scientist and CEO of Mongoo Industries.

We are now going to try to get an interview.

With the two brave detectives, Montgomery Kilgore and P.T.

Chops.

[Inaudible]?

We are not ready to make any comments at this time.

Get a job you fucking parasites.

OK.

Channel 6, Doomsday will be down here all day

Covering what is already becoming known

As The Curse of Dr. Mongoo.

[Zap]

Chops, you still want to hit that Dunkin' Donuts?

I just want a bed.

A bed?

How could you think about sleeping after all this shit?

Easy.

I'm tired.

Chops, you know this ain't over.

Oh, I know it's not over.

It's not over by a long shot.

[Static]

[Evil laugh]

Doctor who?

Xenombies?

What is this?

Some kind of joke?

Look, uh... I, uh... I got to go.

I'm, uh... I'm busy here.

Lots of paperwork.

I'll, uh... I'll call you later.

Now, where were we?

You were just about to tell me all of the naughty things

You were going to do to me.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

Where the bailsbondsmen tried to grab the shotgun,

But the proposed thief cut off his hand with something

That he described as [inaudible].

The Doomsday Police Department is on the search

For these intruders.

[Zap]

What's going on?

Shh.

I think the power went out.

Is somebody here?

Oh, shit.

I hope not.

Damn lobbyists.

You hungry?

What is that?

What is that?

Holy shit!

What the fuck are you?

Shit!

Daisy!

I'm sorry.

Hayes, Doomsday is mine.

What the fuck do you want?

[Growl]

The attacks of Doomsday County have been devastating.

Patricia has been vaporized.

[Crying]

[Interposing voices] Paul!

Get this!

[Gurgle]

Some sort of alien-looking creatures

Have seemingly invaded and gone on

A murderous, malicious rampage!

The whole town's in a frenzy!

We understand that calls have gone out to military personnel.

The station suggests that everyone stays indoors and to...

[Zap]

Fucking aliens.

The police can't do anything.

The military is saying they can't deploy troops for a week.

Doomsday's become a breeding ground for total chaos.

Sykes, any updates on the situation?

Mayor Thomas Hayes was just found murdered in his home.

And reports have been flooding in from all

Over town of UFO sightings and attacking creatures.

This has got to stop now.

We've got to take some goddamn action.

Whew.

Kramer, it's time.

You know what you've got to do.

The commodore was right.

You have no choice.

She's our only hope.

We have to call.

[Cheering]

[Music playing]

[Cheers]

Doomsday County!

This is the best place I've ever been.

Thank you guys so much.

See you next time.

Hey, handsome.

What can I do you for?

Whew.

We need you right now.

Why?

You want to go bowling? No.

Seriously.

Well, I just got done rocking out with the boys.

And now I'm going to sit my hot ass right

Here at the bar and drink beer.

Ha ha.

How about you?

We need you here immediately.

Yeah, right, man.

That's not going to happen, because I

Am so tired right now.

And this is the only time that...

Trust me, Betty.

We need you right now.

This is a Code Red situation.

I can't go into details right now,

But we need you here, pronto.

Fucking A, man.

There better be martians attacking or something

Or you're going to get it.

Just get over here as fast as you can!

Yes, sir.

So what'll it be?

Jack and Coke to go.

[Sigh] Let's roll.

What is this?

A small band of renegade extraterrestrials

Just landed in Doomsday.

And I assure you, they do not come in peace.

Don't you watch the news?

Oh, sorry sweetie.

I haven't been glued to the boob tube today.

I have a real job.

Thanks to Sykes here we got some really good stuff.

[Inaudible].

You are a genius.

I try.

Seriously, though, what's with all the masks and goggles?

They have a fear of the Swine Flu or something?

These creatures mean business, Betty.

And don't let the size of their lot fool you, either.

All right?

Their numbers are small, but they are ruthless.

And their technology is far superior to ours.

I mean they... they seem to stop at nothing.

And they answer to this tall one named Nepto.

And he is one mean son of a bitch.

Check this out.

Oh!

Yeah.

I think I saw this on SyFy last week.

This attack is one of several attempts by Dr. James Mongoo

To seize control over Doomsday County.

Right. Yeah.

Good ole Jimmy.

At it again, huh?

Intel shows he's got a new virus in the works... something

So terrible it makes cancer look like chickenpox.

And with the help of these aliens,

He's got interstellar science at his side...

Some pseudo-galactic technology that we

Don't know two shits about.

The Pentagon's given us special permission

To do whatever it takes.

We got to stop this now.

We got to stop this from happening.

God help us all.

How about we all go pay Dr. Mongoo a visit?

We don't know the exact coordinates

Where the aliens are and where the virus is being engineered.

What we do know is that the area of operations

Is in the vicinity of Dr. Mongoo's headquarters.

You are going to go scope it out and find where that virus is.

Yeah. OK.

Piece of cake.

I'll do that.

Take this.

This is all we got of Dr. Mongoo...

Address, surveillance photos.

Now do what you do.

And Betty...

Yes, cupcake?

Please be careful.

Safety doesn't take a holiday, does it?

Arsenal stocked?

Yeah.

Like fucking Guns R Us, baby.

What's shaking, bacon?

I don't know if I want you to go on this mission.

Sam, you do this every time.

What?

I'm going to be fine.

There's nothing to worry about.

It's, you know, just another little job.

That's all.

Just another little job?

Blood-thirsty spacemen with a virus,

Hoping not to take out the entire world.

Yeah.

Nothing to worry about.

Are you serious?

Like a heart attack.

It's always a joke to you.

Come on.

Kitten.

Hey.

If I don't go after the bad guys, who will?

Hm?

It's just... it's just so much.

I'm worried.

Oh.

I know.

[Crying]

It's going to be OK.

I will never, ever leave you.

I love you too much.

I love you too.

Oh, come here.

[Crying]

That was easy.

Nice one.

Evening, boys.

I may be knocking at your door, but I ain't selling cookies.

[Laser zaps]

[Gunshots]

Shit.

[Grunt]

Looks like you're my bait.

[Growl]

[Squish]

Looks like I found the heart of the problem.

Wacka. Wacka.

Wacka.

[Sigh]

Damn good job, Betty.

Report in the AM.

She retrieved the virus.

Well, hard part's over.

Now, all we have to do now is just, um... Shit.

What the hell?

Security breach.

DR. MONGOO: [inaudible].

Uh, guys, you're going to want to come take a look at this.

You can't hide your secrets so easily from Mongoo.

I have eyes on everything.

The thirst of the land is yet to be quenched.

And just so you know, my friend...

Whew.

Everybody better arm themselves.

It's playtime.

Mm-mm.

Looks like I need an overhaul.

Come on!

Son of a bitch!

Ah!

[Groan]

[Inaudible] this, you son of a bitches.

[Gunshots]

[Phone ringing]

BETTY (ON PHONE): Hey, what's up?

Betty, thank God.

You're... you need to... BETTY (ON PHONE): Ah.

I'm just screwing with you.

I'm not here right now.

But please leave a message for my personal robotic assistant

To deliver.

Wait for this beep.

Beep!

Jesus Christ, Betty!

Where are you?

The Agency;s been taken over by the alien surge.

People are dying.

You need to...

[Growl]

[Scream]

[Sigh]

FEMALE AGENT (ON PHONE): Jesus Christ, Betty.

Where are you?

The Agency's been taken over by the alien surge.

Ugh. Fuck beans.

FEMALE AGENT (ON PHONE): People are dying.

You need to...

[Beep]

Oh, this night is never going to end.

Time to call in the cavalry, I guess.

Jeez.

[Phone ringing]

Where the hell is everybody?

Sykes?

Ugh.

Jesus, Dr. Melbourne, you scared the shit out of me.

Melbourne?

You all right, man?

What the hell are you doing?

Betty Beretta.

What the fuck?

Now is your time to die.

Um.

You must be Nepto, the stupid alien shithead.

Now, listen up, buttercup, I just

Spent my whole night making mincemeat

Of all of your friends.

Oh.

Are you looking at this?

So tell me, what makes you think you're going to get

Any kind of special treatment?

Stupid human.

We have hundreds of vials of the virus on our ship.

One is of little concern to us.

Let her go.

You'll be a fine experiment for us.

Listen.

I don't know if you freaks can understand me or not,

But this is your last chance.

OK?

Let her go.

And then get your green, UFO-flying, butt-ugly asses

Out of here! (SCREAMING) Or I'm going to fucking kill you!

[Gurgle]

Oh.

Ha ha.

OK.

Have it your way.

Bring the rain.

Somebody call for back up?

[Laser zaps]

Quick!

Chops, you shoot the ugly one!

Which one's the ugly one?

Come on, Sammy Sam.

Wake up.

[Laser zaps and gunshots]

Come on.

Come on, baby.

Come over here.

Let go of me, you [inaudible] piece of shit.

I'm out.

Me too.

[Buzz]

Shit!

[Zap]

Chops!

Chops!

Ah!

It's the end of the world as we know it.

Not quite yet.

Sykes?

You're alive, but you didn't have a pulse.

I know.

And I brought my own backup.

Come on, guys.

This is what we've been training for.

[Gag]

[Coughing]

[Crunch]

Chops, you're going to get that ghoul all over the car.

I'll get Red to wipe the door [inaudible].

[Cough]

Betty, we need to destroy that virus.

Sykes, he has Sam.

But Betty, the... the Agency.

Listen, when I woke up this morning,

I did not have destroy invading aliens, kill my girlfriend,

And save the planet on my to-do list.

[Zap]

Ain't gonna happen.

Be back for brunch.

[Laser shots]

We win, Sam.

[Crash]

(CRYING) Oh, Sam.

Sammy Sam.

Wake up.

Wake up!

Wake up.

[Crying]

[Coughing]

[Inaudible]

I thought I lost you.

Not on this day.

[Gurgle]

Hey, you alien scum-sucker.

Want this virus?

You can have it.

Got a little present for you.

From all of us at Doomsday County.

[Gunshot]

DR. MONGOO: Yes.

Yes.

A very happy ending indeed.

[Groaning]

Rejoice!

Rejoice!

[Laughs] Rejoice in blood, I will.

Yes, I will.

And so will all of you.

Rejoice!

Enjoy it while it lasts because...

MALE VOICES: Doomsday County!

DR. MONGOO: [evil laugh] I'm just getting started.

[Laughs]

[Music playing]

This just in from the Pentagon.

Is it over?

Not by a long shot.

[Music sound]

[Music sound]