Original subtitles

Phone!

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Search for Simon Foundation.

David speaking.

Will you get off the phone? You are ruining everything!

It's all right. I'm not doing anything important.

Nothing important?

Nothing important?

Right, that's it.

Stop this war!

David, for fuck's sake. It's supposed to be 1944.

Robert Frack is from the 90s. You can't fucking say that here.

Get that tit off this tank.

You got a UFO sighting? Really? A real one? Has it been corroborated?

What does it look like? Who was there? What shield does it use?

Hi, I'm David. That's me with my face in the mud. The guys on the tank are my

friends. They just don't understand. I had to take that call. The Search for

Simon Foundation can never afford to miss one, and the phone's always

Well, maybe not now.

A proper sighting.

I can't believe it.

Simon, I'm coming to get you. I promise.

The guy on the phone was alien from Arcturus. He's my contact in the world

UFOs. He gives me all my information for a price he never lets me down.

What did you do that for?

Sorry, mate, I was...

I was German last week. Sorry.

I mean, why'd you bring him, you numbnuts, huh? Why?

Huh?

Oh, the hero doth return.

Look, enough of the negative vibes already.

This is your eighth final warning.

I mean, look at you.

You're not even in proper uniform for Sutherland's sake.

All those in favour of David Jones being banned

from the Kelly's Heroes Reenactment Society for life, say

aye.

Aye. Against.

Aye.

Motion carry.

Now piss off.

I'm eating cheese and drinking wine.

I'm sorry, mate.

You voted against me. I know, but I still want to be a member.

They've got a tank.

I know.

Anyways, they're pissed with me because I was the one who introduced you in the

first place.

But I just want you to get a hobby or a girlfriend. Well, anything.

You know, something to take your mind off your obsession.

Truth is not an obsession.

Searching for Simon has consumed your every waking second since you were 11

years old.

Ten. I know.

Ten.

I just want you to get your life back.

Oh, look, come on. Let's talk about it on the way home.

Do something with this car. You're never going to get a go in this car.

You should put flames on the side.

Girls like cars with flames on the side.

I don't know how you can afford a car.

Have you seen how much petrol is these days?

Don't riff off.

And look at all these leaves.

They're everywhere.

Leaves burn, don't they?

Why can't we just spin our car up with them?

Leaves are something that actually grows on trees.

I'm a ufologist, philosopher and passionate vlogger.

Now, I know what you're thinking. It must be a pretty exciting life.

Travelling the world, looking for exotic vlogging locations, beautiful women,

meetings with secret clandestine government organisations, the ubiquitous

black, aliens and abductions and things like that.

If only.

To be honest, it's mostly meeting a whole load of A1 nutcases and looking at

really bad footage of UFOs.

I've spent my life trying to unravel the mysteries of the stars, travelling the

seven seas to the four corners of the planet.

My quest is to solve the 30 -year mystery of the alien abduction of Simon.

We all know some of these sightings are fake, but what if they aren't? And the

truth is, we don't know the truth.

I'm David Jones, and I'm looking for my brother.

And one day I'll find him.

I mean, they all laughed at Newton, and he went on to invent the apple.

This is the tower, my favourite thinking place. It's where my brother

disappeared.

Obviously, I've thought about alien child abduction a lot.

I believe that if you're abducted, you get tested to see if you're A1 or not,

just like being in the army.

And if you're not good enough, they send you back.

And if you are good enough, they don't send you back. They keep you.

Which also explains all the missing people in the world.

Or should I say, off -world.

There's research to do as well. Every week I go and pick up the latest issue

American UFO Hunter magazine.

It's dedicated to people like me. It's only 40 quid with the import tax, but

get a free badge.

I buy the lottery ticket as well. Mum says it's a tax on hope, but where

hope, there's life, right?

Life, up in the stars.

I think everyone secretly hopes there's life out there, but don't want to say.

Like it makes them look stupid, believing in the unbelievable.

But what could be more stupid?

A closed mind.

Thanks very much.

It's just part of the routine.

Then I leave the picket on top of the mantelpiece. I always forget to check

but Mum's avid. She watches the numbers come up like a hawk.

I use the same numbers. It's the trajectory of a starship's flight plan

the Earth's atmosphere and head to Proxima Centauri, which I feel might be

best bet, as it's the closest star system.

I like the magazine. It has lots of interesting stories. And it's where I

the advert from Alien from Arcturus. It was a sign.

Proxima Centauri, Alpha Centauri, Arcturus.

They're all in the same sector of the galaxy.

Well, at least I think they are.

Oh, hey, David. How's it going? Yeah, all right. What happened to the UFO

sighting guy? I sent you the $300.

I know, I know. I was taken in by that guy, too. I apologize. But look, I've

been doing some research for you, and I found this beautiful little island. It's

known for its clear skies, its lack of light pollution, which is ideal for UFO

spotting.

Okay, I'm getting interested.

Plus, it's right down the road.

Really? Where?

Denmark.

You probably think I'm mad for paying Alien for Mark Truist all that money.

But he's like a focal point. Whenever I don't know what to do or I'm lost with

how to find Simon or where to go next, he gives me a new mission or someone to

meet. And I checked the island out. He was right.

There's been a lot of UFO activity.

One of the most distant stars visible to the naked eye, at night time of course,

is V762 in the Cassiopeia constellation.

It's 154 million billion kilometres away, which is 16 ,308 light years.

And it means we see the star as it was more than 16 ,000 years ago. We are time

travelling with our eyes.

I wonder what I would see if I could just travel back 30 years.

See that?

They're aliens.

Aliens? Yeah, aliens from another planet.

Brought to us on spores, on the back of comets.

Crashed into the Earth.

Millions of years ago.

Little aliens.

They just looked so

alien.

Sometimes I think clouds look like mushrooms, or angry sheep, or even

alien spacecraft.

I'm not really sure if aliens would want to visit Earth on a cloudy day. They

wouldn't be able to see very much. They'd just hover about, looking

their packed space lunches whilst idly fiddling with their tourist maps.

I wonder if they have pubs or maybe a bar in the corner on the holodeck where

they only serve light beers.

Can you get done for drink driving in space?

Probably there's bound to be cosmic police or something.

What can we help you with?

What could it be?

One of them, please.

35 kroner.

35 kroner, thank you.

You can do it.

Are you from England?

Yeah, you?

Yes.

What are you doing here?

I'm here writing a book.

About the island?

Oh, no.

It's just easier to concentrate.

No internet, phone reception.

My PA says it's like I disappear off the face of the planet.

What brings you here?

I'm looking for my brother. He was taken.

Well, abducted.

Abducted? By aliens.

Really?

How long ago was that?

30 years. Not that I'm upset about it or anything like that.

And what makes you think he was abducted? By aliens?

My dad told me.

Your dad?

Yeah, he said, Simon's been abducted by aliens.

That's what he said. What he actually said.

Well, what he actually said was, your brother's been abducted by aliens.

OK.

And you haven't seen Simon since?

No.

Which reminds me, I'd better go outside and see if the clouds are clearing.

Oh, I don't think they will.

Still, got to try.

Listen, I think I might be able to help you.

Help me?

Yes. Help you find what you're looking for.

Oh, no, I don't think so. You're a writer.

Not a ufology.

Best leave it to the professionals.

See ya.

For the cloud to never clear, it was time to go home.

How do you always know when I'm here?

Because I'm watching you, David.

Disconcerting. Listen, I got another guy for you. This one is 100 % genuine.

Like the last bloke who was genuine?

Look, you win some, you lose some. What are you going to do? You're lucky I

don't charge you by the hour, you know? There's plenty of other UFO guys out

there who would pay top dollar for this kind of lead.

Now, do you want the lead or not?

Okay, where is he?

Utah. Utah.

Utah.

So they tell me that this flower is edible. And I thought,

maybe they're just having a laugh.

They say, yeah, you can eat the flower, and then go, hee -hee, and then come

back.

It's very planty.

Whilst in Utah, I decided to catch up with my friend Professor Emick.

She's an expert on cosmic communications and used to be a big thing at NASA

until she wrote a paper about UFOs being dragons.

I met her when she was teaching at the special school I used to go to.

The universe is big, very big.

And our tiny solar system floats lethargically within the Milky Way.

Billions of star systems, each with their own orbiting planetary systems,

existing within the Verga hypercluster. Is this making any sense?

Very big, milky star clusters.

Well, Earth is just one planet within the big, milky star clusters.

Being arrogant humans, We assume that alien life can only be found on Earth

-like planets orbiting sun -like stars.

But even with this narrow view, we can calculate the number of civilizations in

our galaxy with whom communication might be possible.

Calculate? But how?

I've written the mathematics down for you. Here.

Half -price leg waxing. Oh, wrong trousers.

182 million.

Just for our galaxy.

182 million civilizations?

Really? Wow.

It's highly unlikely that we're alone.

I knew it. I knew that they were out there. But why don't they communicate?

Who knows?

Maybe they're too far away.

Or maybe they just don't care.

Or maybe they're waiting to contact us once we reach to a certain...

technological or political or ethical standard.

Which means they might never speak to us.

Professor Emick, do you believe my brother was abducted by aliens?

Listen, David, there's more to life than just life out there.

And just because we have no evidence of aliens or UFOs does not mean that they

don't exist.

Maybe they really... are here, among us, observing

us, unseen.

If you know what I mean.

Not really.

Not sure.

Coffee, tea, soda, donut, milkshake? Milkshake.

Milkshake. Milkshake.

Alien

from

Arcturus? Yes. No, I'm not alien from Arcturus. I'm... Sorry.

It's mostly based on facts, you know.

So I hear.

I have the, uh, pictures.

Great. AFA said they were very revealing.

Well, not much left to the imagination, if you know what I mean.

Wow. And you can see their faces.

Well, you can see what it is.

It's not even blurry.

No.

Maybe they were in daylight.

They were in a room.

A room? How did they get there?

They used a key.

Look. Look, look.

Well, how much have you got?

Uh... Uh... Uh... $247.

And this comedy, $1 billion bill.

Well, that'll have to do.

Some good men died to get these pictures.

Really? Well, not actually died, but the photographer's wife stubbed her toe

very badly.

Oh, dear.

Good day.

What the... Wait.

These are bollocks.

Correct. And these are Brett.

No, I thought you had pictures of aliens.

Aliens? Yes, aliens. I've come all the way from England for this.

Oh.

Well, how much have you got?

I don't have any pictures.

But I do.

Is that what I think it is?

I'll get you a thousand dollars as soon as I'm back in England.

Make sure you do.

You were supposed to text me, David, before you walked through the house.

Sorry, Mum. Ran out of credit.

Oh, typically useless.

How have you been?

Pissed, mostly.

Does anyone want to know where I've been?

No.

Been to America.

Utah. Trying to find Simon, Mum.

Oh, don't!

Have you seen the bloody corkscrew?

Trying to make me look stupid?

No, Mum.

Well, you're the stupid one.

Going to America, wasting your money, pissing it away.

Oh, you're nothing but a drain, David.

Your father was a drain and now you're one.

At least I don't drink like one.

You've got some more parcels.

I put them in your room.

Waste of money, David. My money.

I'm not your personal postal slave, you know.

I wouldn't mind if it was something for me, but it never is.

And the postman's a woman.

When did that happen?

If aliens do exist, a useless article like you isn't going to find them.

When are you going to get a job, David?

Stop paying some rent.

Hmm?

When are you going to get a girlfriend?

Someone... Someone you could talk to.

Do you think your mother acts the way she does to try and help you?

Difficult to say.

Okay, let's forget about your mother. What about your father?

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What did the water say to the boat?

Nothing.

It just bathed.

Why do skeletons bite each other?

Because they don't have any guts.

That's right, they don't have any guts. Space ships, Daddy, space ships.

Space ships, space ships, space ships. Here we go.

Space ships.

Dad, can I have a go, please?

No, don't.

You're too big.

Come on.

He walked out after Simon disappeared.

He was killed by a car.

He drank too.

I'm sorry.

What about your friends?

What's your relationship like with them?

Friendly.

OK.

For instance, what do they think of your search for Simon?

They don't like me mentioning it.

And do they tell you why?

Because I never stop talking about it.

Oh. And do you agree with them?

I may talk about it from time to time, but if it was their brother who had gone

missing, I wouldn't mind them talking about it at all.

I'd help them look, but they don't. Nobody does.

Even Robert stopped looking.

But who would have taken Simon in the first place? Look, Simon may have been

abducted by space pirates.

Space pirates?

Space pirates.

It's obvious.

The universe is a huge place.

It takes a massive amount of power to get from one place to another place. So

you need a bloody good reason to go from that place to that place in the first

place. Money.

Hence space pirates. If money is involved, someone is going to try and

But don't you think the motive for space exploration would be science?

Hello, McFly. Where have you been? Has any exploration been motivated by

ever? Yes.

No, it's all about beating the neighbours and keeping ahead of the

and helium -3 and all that. We only went to the moon to piss off the Russians.

There's probably an atomic missile in the old lunar lander, which brings me

to space pirates.

So, have you tried to get out a bit more?

Try and find other interests?

Yeah, I've tried a few things, but I get chucked out of everything I join.

That must be difficult.

Yeah, it gets very lonely.

And have you found a way to cope with that?

I did try something to make it all better.

Oh, yes? And what was that?

Suicide.

Hello, everyone.

I see we're all here, which is always a good sign.

I'd like everyone to welcome our new member, David. Say hello.

Hi.

Hi.

And now, David, perhaps you'd like to tell us what brings you here tonight?

I thought we were going for a drink.

You too?

I'm sure everyone will find your story very interesting.

We like to share each other's grief.

And write it down in a book?

I change the names.

Now, David, your turn.

What happened to you?

Well, you know, I just had enough of everyone.

Being disinterested in everything I said or did.

I felt I was worthless.

And so I put on my favourite shirt, lay down on my bed, and thought I'm going to

wait for one hour.

And if anyone phones or texts or parachutes through the window, then

God's way of telling me that I should live.

And that's cool.

And if nothing happens, then that's God's way of saying I'm not needed

I'm a mistake.

An oversight.

A waste.

And what happened?

I won the lottery.

Yeah, it's funny. There I was in my bedroom dying, and my mum was watching

Euro lottery, and my numbers came up.

Well, not all of them, but five of them. I won £63 ,702.

And the funny thing is, if I hadn't won, then Mum would never have come up to my

room. Christ, David.

David. And I would have died.

Oh, God, what have you done now, you silly butt?

It was a sign to carry on.

Carry on?

Carry on looking for Simon.

It meant I could dedicate my whole...

to looking for my little brother.

And is there any of the money left?

Well, not much.

I've had 14 trips to Nevada to go to Area 51.

Couldn't get in.

Some ex -US Marines night vision goggles. They were awesome.

6K. Tried them out in the rain. They stopped working.

Should have said something about that on the box. Don't use in the wet. Not much

use as a Marine, really, is it?

Is that Rob?

Hi, it's Sally, Jess's friend.

Jess, your sister?

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, good, thank you.

I was just wondering if you were going to be seeing your friend David Jones

any time soon?

How was Utah, anyway?

Oh, well, you won't believe it, but I actually managed to pick up an alien

tentacle. Look, my sister's here, and she's brought Sally.

Sally who?

She has your book.

Sally? My book?

Oh, whatever. I just want you to chaperone her, all right?

Absolutely. No problem. I'd love to.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

Not really, no. No. I just want you to look after her.

Help her out with the rules and stuff.

Oh, about tonight's game, I thought I'd like to try something different, you

know, a bit of a genre wobble. Maybe mix the fantasy with something from another

world. Please, nothing about Simon being abducted.

The lads have had just about as much as they can take.

Gentlemen and grown -up.

Hiya, Derek. Colin.

You got your army?

Yeah, all here.

Still in the bag, I see.

No respect for his faithful legion.

Chippeth the painted doth.

He paints them.

I thought he got them off that bloke. He paints with his mouth.

Look, I don't have time to paint them like you do. I've got other things to

Other things to do.

Hi, Jess. How do... Strangely familiar girl.

Sally, from the... Club.

Hi, Sally. Nice to see you.

This is going to go on for a while, is it?

Set it up, then.

This better not go ticked up.

Jesus.

Sally's had a really difficult time lately.

What with that nutcase of a boyfriend.

Tortured bloody genius, indeed.

Failed Suicide Club, and now you want to introduce her to another nutcase.

Just this one?

I'll never ask again.

It had to be stored.

Boy, any of the others would have been better.

Even Groner. And he chose his own name.

David's not a nutcase.

You know that.

It's not his fault.

He just needs his focus.

Refocusing, that's all.

Needs a lobotomy, if you ask me.

What are they?

Orcs, mostly. This is a minotaur, and those are a couple of trolls, but mostly

they like to be called Derek and Colin.

And what do they do?

I mean, the orcs, that is. Well, sometimes we attack, sometimes we

Whatever we do, we wreak death and destruction.

And what are the others playing?

Humans, elves, all sorts, really.

Would you like to help me play?

He needs all the help he can get.

I'm not sure. I'm not really good at things like this.

How would you like to shut up a minute?

Go, Sally.

I'm usually quite shy.

My brother was shy.

David, let's start whilst I'm still alive.

You'll go first, grown -up.

Right, grab an orc. OK.

I'll be little of the war. Come down to the war.

Take them with the elves.

Yes, we've got seven goblins. Oh, my God, this is pretty fun. Just keep an

on the rhino, OK? Just watch the rhino. Watch the rhino. Block the rhino. Block

that rhino.

Block that rhino. You've got a powerful goblin. You smell really nice, by the

way. You sniff a lot of gowns.

Where's your garden of all God? So, down to your last orc, mighty emperor.

Another week, another crushing defeat.

Not this time.

Suddenly, there's a glowing light in the sky and a star shroom comes down and

sucks up the last orc with a tractor beam.

No, and takes him away to deep space so he can live with his space -hawk

brothers for all eternity.

You just can't give it a rest, can you, retard?

Numb skull, bonehead, dingbat.

It always has to be about aliens with you, doesn't it? What's the matter with

them?

They're not happy I mixed the game worlds. It's like crossing the streams,

it worked for Venkman in the first film. Right, that's it. Up, Scam.

Back to the real world, away from the Theo and Bad.

Come on.

Alien from Arcturus. How's it going?

Oh, David, hi.

How's it going, man?

David, listen.

That payment you sent bounced, and it's not cool.

Did it?

Sorry, I'll have a look.

Yeah, seriously. No money, no info, okay? I'm not in this for my health.

Why is money always your first concern? I thought we had a relationship here.

Would you relax, please? God, I'm just the middle man, man. I am just the

insanely handsome conduit between you and the mucked -up weirdo world of

abductee nutters. I'm a believer, man, just like you. I just pass on the

information. Yeah, but it feels like you're trying to rip me off.

Rip you off? I can't believe you even said that. I thought we were friends.

Listen, I got a new contact for you. This guy's fantastic.

He's from NASA, okay? He even gave me this cool NASA pen. It's a laser pointer

and an actual pointer pointer, huh?

NASA. Wow, NASA.

That is pretty cool.

Anyway, Utah wasn't a complete waste of time.

What is it? Hold that up.

That looked like an alpha draconian tail.

A what?

Uh, nothing.

I don't know what that is.

You just said Alpha Draconian tail tip.

I... No, I didn't.

I think you did.

Listen, Dave, I gotta go. I didn't say that.

Listen, $500 for the NASA guy's name and his Skype address, and we'll be all

set, okay?

$500?

Listen, you Yankee tosser, I'm sick of you... I gotta go, man. I'll see you

soon. I think you're breaking up. I can't... Look, $500, PayPal, you know

to do about it. I'll see you soon. Speak soon. Ciao.

Bollocks.

But abduction is expensive.

Not for the abductee, of course, they get it for free, but for the ones who

left behind, like me.

There's books for starters on aliens, stargazing, crop circles, abduction,

mysterious sightings, Area 51, space wrecks, identifying mushrooms, playboy

bunnies, UFOs, lost ancient gods and tanks.

No, not tanks.

And all sorts of conspiracy theory stuff that even I think's nonsense.

Maybe I've wasted my money. Maybe I'm running out of time. Maybe the Apollo 13

astronaut tissues were a bad investment.

Maybe I've got to face facts. Maybe I'm just going to have to get a job.

Shit.

David, it was nice to hear from you, but I can't get you a job.

You see, we... we are moving to Istanbul.

And we're going to blow up the storeroom at the university.

Angela, it's me, David. We met at the Swindon Futurological Conference.

Never heard of you. Now leave me alone, I'm on my lunch. I know.

I've only got ten minutes.

I know, I got you your lunch to save you time.

You picked up my order?

Yes. Well, how did you know what I wanted?

It's in your interview.

It says preferring macrobiotic foods and brown rice. Better living through

chemistry. She laughed, but I couldn't find any. So I got you a burger, chips

and some cake.

Could I have a word with you?

What about?

Bastard. It's classified.

It's all classified. My lunch was classified.

I just wondered if maybe, maybe I could get a job with you.

Collecting my lunch?

Well, not ideal, but I could if it's going.

Swindon Futurological Conference.

If I said the word helicopter to you, what would you think?

Nothing.

Angela! Wait! Stop! Dad!

Angela!

Angela! It's David!

He's got extra experience!

Can I take it off?

Step in! I'm scared!

Step in!

I've got a pet!

Stop! Dad!

Did I mention the cake?

Okay, David.

Hmm, not the most impressive CV I've ever seen.

A single RFA level, failed to finish school, and failed to complete a degree

cosmic navigation.

Space is big, if you'll excuse the pun. What pun?

Oh, I thought that was a pun, isn't that a pun?

Okay, here's your chance.

Sell me you.

Right, well, I have many talents and qualities I can bring to a company such

British Aeronautical and Research Space Technology thingy.

One, I'm British.

Two, I know all about UFOs and you probably work with UFOs on a daily

That's classified.

And aliens, I love aliens. You've probably got aliens working in this

That's classified.

And my middle name is Tiberius. Is it? No, but I can change it if it helps.

Now listen.

David, Bastard is not just about communicating with alien beings.

It isn't?

That's classified.

Space technology is incredibly complicated.

There's all sorts of problems. The vacuum of space, heat management issues,

even the logistics of having restrooms in a weightless environment.

Isn't that just taking the piss?

I just don't see where you're going to fit in.

Oh, I don't mind. Any sort of death is fine with me.

Enough!

David, now listen, I'm going to give you one last chance and I want you to

really think about the answer to this question.

Really think.

Where do you see yourself in five years' time?

Oh, that's a tricky one. Five years.

I'd have to say I see myself on a giant star shroom travelling the galaxy on the

cosmic seas with my brother Simon by my side.

I really have to get back to work.

So, is that a yes?

What kind of cake is it?

R. R?

The cake is a lie.

Then it's a no, David. A definite no.

Are you sure I can't ask you to reconsider?

I've got lots of ideas that you might be interested in.

Hear that?

David, make a note.

Dad was always saying, write this down or make a note.

I'm not a very fast writer, so I've just got this box full of bits of paper.

This one says, element of surprise.

Element of surprise.

Yeah.

That's what does it.

Little rat scurrying along there.

Eagle comes down.

Gone.

Element of surprise.

You see, you get older.

Someone's got a bit of beef with you.

You're in the pub.

Having a pint.

Guy probably knocked into you. Oh, what's that? You spilled my pint? You

my pint? Oh, talk to him.

Relax him.

Oh, sorry, mate.

Sorry. Didn't mean to do that.

Bang!

Element of surprise.

Element of surprise.

This one just says...

Potato.

Write your note.

Hello? Miss Eldridge!

I'm not sure you remember me. I'm your publisher.

Oh, hi.

I wonder if you remember we had a talk a little while back about a deadline?

Yes, the book draft.

Well, I'm nearly finished with the final chapter.

Oh, have you?

Oh, what a clever little girl you are.

No, you won't be disappointed.

I'm already disappointed, Miss Eldridge.

Very disappointed.

As disappointed as you would be if you found a... a wasp in your ice cream.

In your mouth.

Which can be arranged, but... that's for another day.

Will this chapter be any good?

It's the piece de resistance.

I'm not interested.

I'm not interested in anything except your worthless book landing on my

expensive desk immediately.

This isn't art, honey.

Oh, and one thing before you go, Miss Eldridge.

Deadline has the word dead in it.

For a reason.

I promise.

David, where have you been?

You've missed the failed Suicide Club meetings and you've not been in for your

sessions.

I don't feel suicidal anymore.

I didn't want to go in the first place.

But we've nearly got to the bottom of things.

We need to continue for the good of the book.

I mean, the boy, David.

You, the boy.

No, no, I can't do tonight.

It's me and Rob's film night and he's let me choose for once.

My mother...

No, she won't talk to you. She won't talk to anyone about it, especially

who ask.

It gets all defensive.

Defensive?

No, don't worry. I won't talk to her.

I'll speak to you soon, David.

OK. Bye.

Yes? Mrs. Jones?

And who are you? I'm a friend of David's.

Are you sure?

Your girl?

Is he in?

No. Oh, good. Because it's you I want to talk to.

Well, I'm busy.

Countdown. Just started on the telly. I just wanted to chat about David.

I'm his biography writer.

Biography?

Didn't he tell you?

Oh, he's just being modest.

Yes, we're writing a book about his search.

His bloody obsession.

That too.

Good luck.

Oh, Mrs Jones.

I think maybe I can help David.

And, uh... This is getting warm.

What's that for?

Oh, just in case I forget.

Know what you mean, love.

Cheers.

Mmm. Nice.

The good stuff.

So, let's talk about David.

Oh, do we have to?

For the night chat.

What was he like as a baby?

Unplanned.

Right. I wanted a daughter and got him.

So we tried again and got his brother.

What about school?

School?

Well, Simon was the brain.

David wasn't good at anything.

He even got thrown out of Cubs.

He could never stick to anything.

Every week, another job.

Yes.

Tell me more about Simon.

Simon.

Poor Simon.

Bloody awful thing that happened.

Should have been handled better.

He'd be 37 now.

Oh.

That's it.

That's your lot. What?

You have to go now.

Why? He's on his way back.

He sends me a text so that I can be out of the way when he comes in.

Save any embarrassing silences. You have to leave now.

But get out.

No, back door.

Maybe I'll call your movie. You can go around the back when he gets in.

Pain in the ass.

Hello, Mum. Didn't you get my text?

Yes, I did.

What's that?

It's a sandie. Rob gave it to me.

I don't want it here.

It's all right. It's going up in my room.

Mum,

what are you doing?

Don't send it.

Stop it!

Mum, no!

It's not worth anything.

And neither are you.

I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you. It's not rubbish. It reminds me of Simon. Simon.

Jesus.

Let him go.

Why can't you just let him go?

Because I still love him.

And I don't.

Then one day, I had an epiphany. I looked up and then realized Jesus was an

alien. He arrived in his spaceship, the big star, then told loads of people

clever stuff, did a few miracles, and then disappeared back up into space.

Alien, UFO, obvious.

So now I dress like this.

And I wait.

Pub quiz tonight.

Sally might come.

Oh, no Sally.

David, I got you a lemonade.

Oh, that's brilliant, thanks. I hope it's all right.

Yeah, yeah, great.

So, whose team are you on?

Oh, yours.

Brilliant.

Hello, Jeff. Hi, Rob.

What's the matter?

What?

Something the matter?

Has it started?

It is round one. Are they doing charades?

I went before I came.

What? I have no urge. Are you quiet?

Bloody charades. I'm just trying to draw your attention to the fact that Sally's

here tonight. I know she's here. I saw her. She saw me. I talked to her. She

bought me a drink. Shut up.

What I'm trying to say is that she's here for you. For me?

Did I do something wrong? Oh, so many things, David. But fortunately, she

you, so I wanted to forewarn you.

Forewarn me that she likes me?

Yes, so you can respond accordingly.

Right.

Well, you know, be nice and not weird about Simon.

Not weird about Simon. Or any other sort of weird. Are you saying that weird

isn't good?

Do you think David's all right?

David? Really?

Seriously?

He needs a check -up from the neck -up. I mean, Sal, he's about as far as all

right as I am from shagging a monkey.

Hell, fine damsels.

I understand fancy dress to be the order of the evening?

Sod off, weirdo.

I may think if the lady protested too much.

Piss off, knobhead.

What you fail to understand, milady, is that each team must comprise of five

noble, worthy challengers.

Well, in that case, just stay there and shut up there, monkey boy.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am Donald Heron. Ding, ding, round one.

You have posed.

Wow, I might actually know some of the answers.

Now, some of these questions have multiple choice answers, so please look

for the options at the end.

All right, you ready to go? Let's start with question number one.

What does UFO stand for?

That's easy. I thought they'd be more difficult than that.

Question two.

How many alien abduction cases have been proved genuine?

Is it A, 8 %?

B, 50 %? C, 25 %? Or D, none at all?

I think it's 50%. Half of them.

Question three.

Which pub local has been searching for his adopted brother?

Is it A, Monkey Man Groner, B, Mad Bass,

you wouldn't like me when I'm angry, Derek, or C, David's sorcerer boy,

Jones?

This is one I know.

Question number four, and this is a real easy one.

How many years has David wasted searching for his brother?

Is it A, 10 long years?

B, 20 even longer years?

D, 30 ridiculously stupid long years? Or D, the whole

of his pathetically meaningless life?

Okay, you've had your fun.

Question five.

Where is David's brother?

Simon? Is he, A, out in the stars, perving through the universe, B,

hiding in the back garden, hoping that David never finds him, or C, dead?

Are you happy now?

Ecstatic! Oh, nothing better than a pair of playground bullies!

People call Earth Mother Earth, right?

And Venus is a girl, and Neptune clearly a man, so planets have sex, right?

So maybe Mars and Earth got together, made three little moons, then split up.

Earth got the moon, and Phobos and Deimos went to go live with their dad,

It must be really difficult for a single mother planet to meet a new partner.

You didn't know there were female planets?

Jeez.

Mankind has a lot to learn about the universe.

Hello? Hi, it's David.

Listen, I was wondering, are you free today? I want to go and see something.

Can you read a map? Don't you have a sat -nav?

Not of Earth, no.

Alpha Centauri seem more exotic.

I can navigate if you want.

Are you able to come over now?

Now?

I'm just leaving for work.

Work.

Right, I didn't realise you worked.

Well, I can call in Dick if you like.

Would you?

I'd really appreciate it.

Well, yeah, I mean, I deserve a day off.

You're coming?

Brilliant. I'm all yours.

All right, I'll see you in ten.

Thanks.

Nice car.

It's getting on a bit.

Oh, I can see the paint job.

I mean, you could put flames on it. I mean, everyone loves flames down the

of the car.

So, do we know where yet? In Wiltshire?

Yes, in a field in Wiltshire.

What's in a field in Wiltshire?

Crop Circle.

Oh.

Yes, it appeared overnight. I looked it up online.

Then why do we need to go in here?

Well, you know, I like to go there myself, see what I can see, feel the

that sort of thing.

See if you can search for Simon.

Perhaps.

Never give up hope.

That's what I think.

No.

Never give up hope.

I think we should give up hope.

Never.

Do you know where we are?

Not really.

Look, maybe we should stop for a bit.

When the stars come out, I can get my bearings and work out where we are.

I've bought a tent.

You can navigate from the stars?

Well, yes, I did study deep space navigation.

Look, there's a field there.

You can pitch a tent and tell me about the stars.

OK.

I didn't know you had a camera. I don't. It's my brother's.

I have to give it back to him before he notices.

It'll kill me if he finds out.

No, he will.

Oh.

So, is this your tent?

Yes, I know it's not much, but, well, the other one burnt down.

Oh.

Seen anything yet?

No, not yet. I haven't really started looking.

Why not?

Oh, you know what they say.

No. Watched pot never boils.

Am I missing something?

You're smiling.

I've never seen you smile before.

It's a nice smile.

Well, um, I believe that if you look right up in the sky, you'll never

see a UFO.

Right. So, how do you actually see them, then? Well, that's just the point.

You don't see them.

They see you.

That's why I'm out here in the open. So they can see me.

Like they saw Simon.

Besides, it's not like there's a big X in the sky saying X marks the spot.

Look here, is there?

I bought chocolate.

Did you? Brilliant.

We'd better go and start planting mine.

Start planting them? Yeah, we've got to start planting the chocolates for the

aliens.

Oh. Stands to reason. You're in a spaceship a long time, what's the first

you want when you land?

Chocolate. Everybody likes chocolate.

Besides spaceship crews, rubbish.

Come on, let's go planting. Let's go.

Ferrero Rocher.

Ah, a conifer.

You see, I put them down in a similar formation to crop circles I've seen

the world to tell them that I understand their message.

And what is their message?

I'm not sure.

But, I mean, it can't be bad, right? I mean, why else bother?

And why are you taking the rapidol? Ah, well, you see, the foil interferes with

the signal.

Oh, right.

So, do the aliens actually take them?

Well, they do tend to disappear.

Good.

Well, yes and no. Sometimes I think they have been and eaten them and sometimes

I think it's a sheep or a badger.

Ta -da!

Listen, I've got some marshmallows back at the tent if you're interested.

In planting?

No, in eating.

Oh, now you're talking.

Let's go.

They're in here somewhere.

Aha, marshmallows.

I'll get a fire going.

Do you want a torch?

Oh, yeah.

What's this?

Chewie. It's the only figure he didn't have when he was abducted. I thought I'd

keep it so, you know, when I find Simon, I've got it for him.

I'd like to help you look for Simon.

Really?

I don't think that's a good idea.

Why not?

I've been looking for him for years, and I could carry on looking for him for

years, and there's no guarantee I'm ever going to find him, and then you'll have

wasted your whole life.

Yeah, but you don't think you've wasted your life.

No, but it's my life. It's my search. It's my Simon.

Well, I think it's a good thing you're looking for him.

You do?

Yeah.

No -one's ever said that before.

Well, I think it's important to care about family, even if they have been

abducted by aliens.

And I know that if I was ever taken, I'd want someone to search for me.

You would?

Yeah.

Someone like you. Someone who never gives up.

I like that in someone.

I like that in you.

Thank you.

I should get some sleep. I'm a bit tired.

I'm just going to watch the stars come out.

Look, that one's Arcturus.

I'm, er... I'll just be a minute.

OK.

Oh, no.

Not again.

Sally? Sally?

David, I'm here.

Why did you set fire to the tent?

I didn't set fire to the tent. I was looking at the stars and I fell asleep.

no! Sally,

it's only a camera.

Sally? It's not worth it.

Get out! Get out! It's on fire! The tent is on fire! What are you doing?

I got it. It was the only one he could have.

Where were you anyway?

I needed a wee.

Lucky bladder.

I suppose we'd better go home then.

I've got a ten.

You've got a ten?

Why didn't you say so?

I didn't want you thinking that yours wasn't good enough.

Sally.

Yeah?

You're magnificent.

I've always got some left. I don't know why they put so many of these in the

bag. It seems ridiculous.

Sally?

Sally?

in the middle of an actual crop circle.

It's unbelievable.

I can't believe that I'm here in a crop circle. I can't help you. I'm doing a

vlog. It's really important.

The crop circle was amazing.

I felt a connection, a cosmic connection.

Such a clear message from Simon saying, don't give up.

And was Sally as equally amazed about the crop circle?

I don't think it meant as much to her as it did to me.

The crop circle pyjama photographs were tweeted.

Two million hits in six hours and rising.

Idiot.

I feel torden.

Excited that Simon has sent such a clear sign to me, but sad that Sally tried

to hit me.

Yes, tricky.

She won't answer the phone either.

She makes me feel sick, so I know I must really like her.

David, we're all looking for something, but it's not always what we think we are

looking for.

Pardon?

What do you see when you think of Simon?

Oh, I just feel all this emotion.

Loss, hatred, fear, betrayal.

You name it, I can almost hear the screams.

Negative emotional energy, guilt, all very powerful forces.

You know...

What really surprises me is that nobody else is looking for Simon.

It's like they've all given up.

And why do you think that is?

I think that right now, you need to focus on not losing Sally.

Thanks for listening to Contact FM.

I'm here till 5 o 'clock.

If you've got any problems on your mind, give us a call.

Don't be scared to share your problems with us.

We've got a caller on the line.

Hello, caller. Who am I talking to?

Hello, it's David.

Hello, David. Thanks for calling Contact FM.

We're listening. OK, how can I help?

I was looking for someone.

So, exactly, how long have you been looking for this special person?

Two weeks isn't very long. It is. It's ever since the pyjama incident in the

tent. After that photographer said to show us your bits.

Remember, David, everyone can hear you.

I know. I blame the satellites.

Yeah. OK.

Well, thanks for calling.

Not a job.

Is Sally not there?

I'm Sally, David. I'm Sally Sneed at Contact FM.

Oh, no. Wrong Sally.

I rang to... I apologise to Sally Sally, other Sally, for the pictures of her

that went viral on the web.

Especially after she skived off work just for me.

Really?

Oh yes.

She phoned in sick. Don't tell anyone else. But she said her boss was a

complete... You're fired.

It's Sally Sneed, 321. Thanks for listening to Contact FM. Who's next on

line? Hi, it's Michael. Hello there, Michael.

What's on your mind? Well, I saw some strange lights in the sky.

Hello? Hello?

Sally, you answered.

I lost my job.

Oh, sorry about that.

You hurt me.

Did I?

Where? No, not...

Stop. Just stop.

You're a selfish git, you know, leaving me to face those photographers on my own

while you were too busy inspecting your bloody crop circle.

I mean, you embarrassed me in front of the whole world and did bloody nothing

help. I mean, Christ could have burnt to death while you snoozed off a Ferrero

Rocher, hi.

I mean, you're a disaster, Harriet David.

to do for work now?

Hmm?

I didn't even try on.

Try what on?

I only had the black hoodie.

Do you want to go for a drive? I've got something to show you.

Not today, David.

How about tomorrow?

No, not tomorrow either.

Then when?

If you had bothered to watch any romantic films, you would know that a

wants... A great knight in shining armour to rescue her in bad situations.

Not a friggin' saucer boy.

Saucer boy.

I see.

I'll call you, David.

How about Tuesday?

My lucky day.

Oh.

My.

God.

Are you David?

What? Are you David Jones?

I beg your pardon?

The brother of Simon Jones?

Yes. Yes I am. I'm David Jones.

Simon! Your brother!

Oh, now.

I have got you signed up with the Imperial Fleet.

You're going to be a starship captain, my friend.

You're going to be a starship captain!

You're welcome.

Now, we're just going to fuel up with leaves, and then we'll be off.

Come on! It's going to be awesome.

Go and look at the stars glittering on the ten -hundred gates.

They're not that great, to be honest. I prefer the rings of Kepa.

Ooh, and you can go and see the love plays.

Pleasure doing them on the Cosmo.

Love plays?

It's going to be cosmic, brother!

What do you think of my starshroom?

It's perfect.

Just how I imagined it would be.

It's amazing to think Dad was right all along, eh? Yeah.

He was a visionary.

Check out the registration number.

Very subtle.

And that's what you want to happen?

No. That's what I think will happen.

Do you really think that's what will happen?

Yeah.

OK.

That's all for today.

Eloise, it's David.

I think I left my UFO mag.

Hello?

David. Obsession with brother. Alien abduction.

Exposed as ridiculous.

Top priority.

David.

Ridiculous, am I? I thought you were my friend.

I thought you were trying to help me. I am. Stop!

Stop lying to me!

Everyone needs to stop lying to me!

Rob? Where are you? It's games night. I'm in the pub.

Has it? Where to?

I can't tell you. The others don't want you here.

They're sick of aliens.

I promise that we'll meet up soon without them.

I'm sorry, mate. I'm in the middle.

Please, give up this point of search for your brother. Move on.

I can't move on. He needs me. He depends on me.

How? How can someone you haven't seen in over 30 years depend on you?

Please. I can't put up with it any longer because I don't know the answers

help...

Rob? Robert!

Rob!

Right, weirdo, you're barred.

Here I am in Roswell, New Mexico,

site of the famous UFO incident about 15 minutes before I was arrested and strip

-searched.

Alien from Arcturus?

I wonder.

David, Angela Spooner here from Bastard.

We need to talk.

What do you know about Alien from Arcturus?

Well... He's an insanely handsome conduit from the world of abductee

How do you think he gets his information?

Aliens.

That's classified.

What would you say if I told you that aliens from Arcturus was part of a

consortium trying to rebuild a crashed UFO?

We've been trying to find him for years.

I'd say that you were not being very classified.

Has he ever tried to give you anything?

Given not as such, I usually have to go get... I got this alien tentacle

in a jar from a guy in Utah.

How the hell did you get this through customs?

Well, I told them it was my own severed penis that I wanted to keep as a memento

of happier times.

They just sort of stared at me and waved me through.

I'd like to see it.

You want to see my penis?

No, David.

Not your penis.

The tentacle.

I'd look favourably on your job application if you gave me this.

No.

I need you to do me a favour.

And I want a cup of tea and some beer.

Where did you get in?

I climbed up the drainpipe.

But we're on the ground floor.

Yeah, I know that now. The wedding party upstairs were a little bit surprised.

How did you find us?

Listen, David, I don't want to lose you as a friend.

You want me to choose between my brother and my best friend.

But I'm so close to finding him, there are patterns.

David, there are no patterns.

The only patterns are time wasters happy to cash in on people like you who've

lost loved ones.

People don't get whisked away on a tour of the universe to get dropped back

before dinner.

What about the experiment?

There are no experiments.

There are no aliens.

But I've got to find my brother.

Perhaps you ought to be looking closer to home.

Maybe you're right.

I always thought they'd have a base on the moon. You know, somewhere to refuel

on the dark side. No!

Aliens!

You always used to believe what my dad said.

What made you change your mind?

I grew up.

You really are a bloody simpleton, aren't you?

Nincompoop. Imbecile.

Moron. Credit.

Deadbeat. Dweeb.

Yokel. Orc's armpit.

Steaming pile of poo.

Weestro. That's very good.

Cockblossom. Cockblossom. Not even an insult.

I'd say that's a compliment. Just go.

We don't want you on our team anymore.

Fine. Goodbye, Robert.

Alien.

Bloody aliens.

I haven't had a conversation with my own son in 30 years that hasn't had a

bloody UFO in it.

I'd like to speak about his obsession with his brother.

No.

No, I'm not talking about it.

Well, I need to get to the bottom of it.

I am his biographer, remember?

No one will read it.

Turn that thing off.

David spent his whole life looking for his long -lost brother.

Yes, I know.

And he's a bloody fool. I've told him as much.

What happened to Simon?

Where is Simon?

Did they take him away from you?

Because of your drinking?

Don't be stupid.

Irene, if you know what happened to Simon and you're not telling David...

You're as much a part of his problem as he is. I'm not.

It isn't my fault.

It stopped him from finishing college.

Jesus, it stopped him from having a decent relationship.

His whole life's been abducted. It isn't my fault. Maybe it is your fault. No.

No, I had nothing to do with it.

Had nothing to do with what?

What?

Had nothing to do with what?

You're keeping something from me, aren't you?

Something about Simon? No.

No. No, I'm not.

It's not your fault.

You lost him, didn't you? You lost your son.

No.

It's not my fault Simon died.

David, do you remember what happened to your brother Simon?

No?

Okay.

Listen.

Your brother Simon, he's had to go away.

He's alright, yeah.

But...

He's gone to live with alien friends.

Far, far away in their stars room.

But he mustn't worry because we'll see him again.

We will see him again.

Misadventure, they called it.

Death by misadventure.

Poor little boy.

Are you happy now?

But David's never had a chance to grieve. He's never had closure.

Closure?

What the hell is that?

There's no such thing as closure.

The past is with you always.

Always.

You're not off on another fruitless trip, are you?

There's someone who met someone who may have been abducted. It fits the same

description. Late summer, woodland, by a stream.

Besides... Nobody wants me here anyway.

Why did you come here anyway?

It's grubby.

Well, the waitress is very nice.

And the tea is excellent.

Look, you know he was never abducted, don't you?

It's actually a very interesting story. There were these two people...

You're not going to find him, David.

I spoke to your mum.

And they went to see what it was.

Please, Dad.

And there was a big light in the sky and they looked up and they saw two people.

Simon's dead, David. He died when you were seven.

Your dad was playing with Simon.

Spaceships. Spaceships?

It was a picnic, you know.

Had a laugh.

Had a few drinks.

Everyone drank back then.

Thank you, Daddy. Thank you.

Thank you.

Can I have a go, please? Can I have a go?

For goodness sake, David, I've told you.

You're too big.

Please, Dad, you always play with Simon, not me.

Shut up.

Nobody had a mobile phone then.

There was nothing we could do.

Nothing I could do.

I took David and put him in the car.

I remember the blood stained the carpet in the footwell.

Harry drove like a lunatic.

It was no good.

Simon had gone.

David, are you okay?

I killed him.

I killed him.

The doctor said maybe best not to tell him.

It was just too much for him to deal with.

So, we didn't.

And then, it just got too hard.

Even when there was the funeral, he just kind of blanked it out.

But then, there's no telling him.

No point trying.

Sometimes it's easier to keep a lie going than tell the truth.

There.

What? There.

Bloody there.

Simon? He's right here in the bloody front room.

Hi, Sally.

It's Angela Spooner here, calling from Bastard.

Your name's been given to me as a potential member of our team.

Has anyone seen David?

Jack, I didn't expect to see you here.

Yeah, Groner said I could command his army.

He's quite the Napoleon.

Yeah, how I keep winning and killing all the little wiggly things.

Look, have you seen David?

No, bollocks to him.

He's a felon on grass that he destroyed on my bloody horse.

I haven't seen him today.

Aren't you the lucky one?

I'm serious. Where is he?

I don't know.

He got me a job.

David did something useful.

I'm worried now.

Yeah, I know. It's unbelievable.

It's interesting with wages and a pension.

Everything. What sort of job?

That's classified.

I'm really worried now.

Look, do you mind?

I'm trying to concentrate on my mission.

We should ask his mum. She's the only one who cares.

I'll help you look for him. That's the least we can do.

Actually, I think you'll find that nothing was the least he could have

Double six, yes! And all the knobbly ones are dead.

Shit.

Rizzle.

Yes? Hi, is David in?

No. He hasn't been home for days.

Oh.

Do you know where he is?

I don't know.

He might be with that other woman.

Which other woman?

Which other woman?

Eloise? I thought you were her, actually.

Do you know where we can find them?

Well, I have her card.

I'll see if I can find them.

Shut up.

Where is David?

Sally, you can't just... He's missing.

No one's seen him for days.

Really? What did you do for him?

Where could he go?

He can't just disappear off the face of the earth.

I know where he is.

What's he doing?

Waiting for a UFO.

No, he's not.

He's waiting for a UFO to see him.

Here.

Hello.

Eloise said that you'd be here.

Robert came too.

He said you couldn't trust two birds to find you in the middle of a crop circle.

Took us a long time to get here.

But not as long as my trip across the galaxy.

Hello, David.

It's me, Simon. Simon? Really? Really, Simon?

Yes. I'm calling from Proxima Centauri.

I'm using Sally as a subspace radio.

Proxima Centauri? But how far out? In light years?

Shit. I knew you were going to ask something technical.

Um... A long...

Wait. Anyway, we must hurry. We haven't much time. But you can't be Simon. I

remember the accident. I remember.

All fake memories my abductors gave our parents.

None of them are true.

My aliens needed a cover story.

My star shroom is passing through a black hole, and soon all communication

be non -existent when I emerge in the next...

But no, Simon, you can't go. I love you. I need you.

Now is the last time I can contact you.

But why now? I've been waiting 30 years.

I have been too far out.

Near the star of... The star of... The star of... I don't know.

Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice?

Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice?

Yes. Fetal juice.

As in the film.

The connection is failing.

Goodbye, David.

You were a brilliant brother.

I love you.

Goodbye. Good...

Simon

spoke to me through Sally's brain.

Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Sally?

Look, we can wait and look for a UFO together if you like.

Guy looks pretty clear.

No.

Let's go to the pub.

Are you really okay?

Yeah, I'm all right.

But I don't understand why you chose Betelgeuse.

I mean, it's only 429 light years away. You could have chosen somewhere a little

further out.

This is David Jones signing off. It's my last and final Search for Simon vlog,

and I hope you find what you're looking for, because I did.

Helium from Arcturus. We know you're in there.

Come out with your tentacles up.

I never doubted you, Miss Eldridge.

Who'd have thought your blog would be followed by so many people?

It wasn't until the pyjama photos.

Now, about those... Well, it all turned out very nicely.

I don't suppose you'd like to go for a drink somewhere and talk about my

obsessions.

No.

I wouldn't like that at all.

Throughout the world, there are legends of dragons, and every culture has one.

The North Americans, the South Pacific Islanders, the Chinese, the British with

St. George, and they're all the same.

They fly, they make a lot of noise, they shoot flames out of one end or the

other, metallic skin glowing eyes.

While they sound remarkably like a spaceship to me in a lower orbit across

planet. And they take away young women of reproductive age.

Hang on.

Isn't that sacrificing a maiden to a dragon?

San Georges.

Fighting dragons and fighting aliens.

Nothing has changed.