Original subtitles

Oh, man.

Sure is a scorcher today, huh, Pete?

How's the moving coming, buddy? Can you just give me a hand? I'm not carrying

all your crap upstairs while you sit and watch. I kind of got my hands full.

I think we should have stayed in Queens.

This doesn't look like the best neighborhood.

We're in Brooklyn.

How could anything bad happen here?

I told you.

My dogs are barking.

Well, I think we've been sitting around here long enough.

We say we get out there and round up some of those hot Brooklyn girls.

Did you see that thing outside?

I don't think it's safe to walk around during the day, much less at night.

Fine. Just leave some more hot chicks for me.

Hot, sexy, nerdy chicks with thick horn -rimmed glasses.

You know the type, Pete.

Librarian in the street, sex offender in the sheets.

All right, I'll go.

sure you're reading that thing right? Yeah, well, it says it should be right

over there, but that doesn't make any sense.

You know what? We're never going to find this place. I'm going to go home.

Wait, wait.

You hear that?

My girl sense is tingling, my friend. Tingling like it's never tingled before.

In this direction.

That's an empty lot.

I'm out of here.

When has my girl sense ever been wrong?

Don't answer that.

This way.

What'd I tell you? Here we are.

This is supposed to be an empty lot.

I don't get it. Empty lot? My ass.

It's like ancient Rome over there.

This is why we came to Brooklyn, Pete. Let's go!

All right.

Woo!

Where am I? Where's Dan? Dan went back to my apartment with Denise.

Here, I made this for you.

Uh, who's Denise?

He's that tall, beautiful blonde woman who took Dan home.

Do you remember anything from last night?

One thing fell off a bridge.

Okay!

Yeah.

You're pretty scary.

I was clinically dead.

You're so pretty!

Yeah, wait, your name's Adelaide.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

Did we, you know... You know me?

Uh, no.

Is this a funeral home?

Mm -hmm.

I work here.

Plus, it was close to the bar.

I haven't had to drag a body more than a few blocks in a really long time.

You're heavy.

Plus, I just feel more at home here than anywhere else.

That's how I feel at the Red Lobster in Times Square.

Oh, yum.

Have you seen my glasses?

Thanks.

And I've always wanted to open a funeral home of my own.

It's been a dream of mine forever.

I've never heard anyone say that before.

Oh, some people think I'm weird, but my grandmother says I'm a miracle.

Is he still alive?

Oh, no. He died before I was born.

Sorry.

Pete Adelaide!

Welcome to my humble abode.

Oh, this is my apartment.

I live here.

Good morning, you two.

Oh, hi.

Where's Denise?

Addie, I'm right here.

Good morning.

Hey, girl.

Feels like you had fun last night. I had the best time. I'm so glad.

So, how are you feeling this morning, Fred Stare?

No, I didn't do the Macarena again, did I? Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Old dick came out.

Well, I didn't realize the macaroon included handstands, but here. I made

for you.

Uh, hey.

It's okay.

Drink it.

You're good.

Whoa!

What's in there?

Oh, gosh, just, uh, some tennis root.

You want some bacon and eggs, mister?

You bet your ass I do. Come on.

Ow.

God.

So, did you score or what?

I hit the jackpot, man.

We're in Brooklyn one night.

Bam! I knew moving here was the greatest idea ever.

I never pegged you for taxidermy enthusiasm.

Spill the beans, man.

Nerd sex different than regular people's sex? Sorry, Dan. I am not the sexual

predator that you are.

Dude, what are you waiting for? Seal the deal.

You guys were meant to be together. Denise even told me so.

You know, Denise is a sexual demon.

I've got scratches all over my back.

Chasing.

Chasing. Get up.

We're going out.

What about Hudson?

Addie is new to town.

Let's show her what Brooklyn is all about.

You know, I just remembered I got an audition I gotta... No, you don't.

We are going to have fun today.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Let's go.

I got this, guys.

No.

Don't you find it a bit strange that Denise was getting all that free stuff

yesterday? I hardly ever get free stuff.

Yeah, I thought that cop was going to give us all tickets for jumping the

turnstile, but he just gave us high fives. Exactly.

You don't get free stuff unless you're sleeping with them.

That's when girls give me free stuff. So, hold on. You think that she slept

the cop, the ice cream man, the Ferris wheel worker, and that old lady with the

pet pigeon who let her cut the bathroom line?

The only thing that makes any sense.

And now she's switching with me to get rid of me. She's using me. Using you for

what?

That's what I'm going to find out.

Come on, man. I just made that.

You know what would be really good for you?

If you joined Finn.

Finn is a good idea, actually. Yeah, because, you know, you just had a baby

you probably want to drop a little. So it could be, maybe you'll meet somebody,

actually. Oh, yeah. Your baby is so cute.

What's your name? Heidi.

Heidi. Hi, Heidi.

But you know what? You really need to join because you need to get back in

and get out there and meet somebody. Maybe you'll meet somebody. That's the

higher point. Oh, my God. It's to meet somebody. Todd.

Ooh, that's a really good idea. Todd.

Awesome. Oh, my God. Heidi, she's not breathing.

Call 911.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, no, no. No, wake up. Honey, wake up, baby. Hurry.

Hurry. She's not moving.

Heidi, Heidi. Oh, my God. She's not breathing.

He says he's an actor.

Yeah, that's just a lame excuse for being unemployed.

I know.

But he's a good role in the hay.

He's got this weird energy.

Like, when we fuck, I dream like this, but he doesn't lose any.

I don't get it, but his essence could power my magic forever, so I guess I'll

keep him around until he runs out of juice.

Or pisses me off.

Will it be feeding babies?

You know, I always felt so...

bad when we did that. You know, Pete and Addie are getting along really well,

right? Yeah, my spell worked pretty good, didn't it? I gave you the book for

that spell.

Yeah, but I changed it up and added a bit. I'm the fucking matchmaking queen.

Wait a minute, you didn't do crap.

I'm better than OkCupid.

This should keep her from moving home. It's so hard finding a good housemate.

Plus, she's better than having a maid.

Maybe she just needs a friend.

Maybe she should be part of the team.

No. She's a good roommate, but creepy.

That girl is dark.

So,

what

was it like when, you know, died?

How was it?

I can't really remember much about it except for...

A feeling.

A really peaceful feeling.

Why did you even come back?

I mean, how?

Well, it's a long story that involves Dan and a supernatural artifact.

Cool. Do you still have it? Can we try it? I mean, I'm talking way too much. I

don't mean to pry.

Death is a really personal experience.

No, no.

It's okay.

I've never met anyone as fascinated with death before.

Just out of curiosity, you're not planning a ritual double suicide, are

unless you are.

No.

No, I want to live as long as I can.

Oh, well.

I have other ideas anyway.

Put this on.

Okay.

What do you think?

It's perfect.

Oh my god!

Oh god!

Yes! Yes!

Thank you!

You can do this!

You can do this!

May the

power of Thorana give me... Us.

Give up.

Soft and manageable hair.

This is such a waste of real power, Judy.

Good evening, ladies.

I've decided to let you all share in my essence.

Here, it's pretty potent stuff.

Don't worry, there's plenty to go around.

You're that kind of an actor.

You've been following me.

Just go completely still.

Just totally limp.

Yeah, just like that.

Don't look at me.

Just die for me.

Yeah, just like that.

Don't move.

Oh yeah, Pete.

Oh wow.

Don't move like that.

Oh, Pete.

Hey, buddy.

You okay?

Just a little under the weather, so... Are you wearing makeup?

Yeah, Dan.

I am.

And I like it.

So, how did stalking Denise go?

Yeah,

I don't think that's going to work out.

What did you do?

Nothing, Dan.

Nothing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. What?

Wait, what?

Denise put a curse on Dan?

Denise is a witch?

What?

Hey there.

You know, I know this is your favorite place, but next time can we just meet at

Bubba Gump Shrimp Company or something?

Denise came home last night so angry, shooting magic everywhere.

She even turned Zilly into a turtle.

No, not Zilly.

Wait, who's Zilly?

My hamster.

Actually, I've always wanted a turtle. That's not even it. I love turtles.

No, Denise said that Dan tried to have an orgy with her in the coven.

Oh, no.

Is that all you and Dan do? Going to sex parties? No, no. Wearing masks?

To conceal your identity?

No, I've never had an orgy. I don't want to have an orgy with anyone but you.

Ew! No, you and only you. Just you.

Oh, really?

Yeah, of course.

It's so scary when Denise gets into one of her moods.

I miss my old roommate.

What happened to your old roommate?

He died.

How did he die?

It's another terrible story, and you don't have to listen to it.

No, no, you can tell me. I'm here to listen.

I'm always rambling on when I talk to you, and I know I sound like a crazy

person. You know, moving to New York hasn't been anything like that movie

shift. Nothing has gone according to plan.

I'm sorry.

Let's get you out of this coffin.

Hey, wait, where are you going?

Wanting you to drink?

Come on.

Is

it

fair? She stole my mojo, man.

There we go, man. Things are getting ridiculous.

I haven't gotten laid in weeks.

These chicks are looking at me like I'm radioactive.

How do you handle that kind of rejection?

You're actually getting more kale than I am.

I don't know how this works.

I think it's backwards here in Brooklyn.

Who's that, Addie?

Oh, my God. Denise put a herpes curse on you.

What? Yeah. The girls think you have herpes. Like, all over your face.

Where? No, it's a curse. It's not real. Only women can see it.

Wait a minute.

You're telling me that I've been going around town with swords on my face for

weeks and you didn't say anything?

What happened to friendship, man? What happened to bros before hoes?

In fact, you never would have met that cadaver -diddling little troll if it

wasn't for me. Maybe you deserved what you got, huh?

Dude, it's a coven of witches.

If I didn't at least try to play the orgy card, I'd never be able to live

myself. I'm the wrong party here, Pete.

Not you.

I'm not getting any action. You know what? I'm going to go see Addie.

And I don't want to live here anymore.

Yeah, because you're going to ruin this just like you ruin everything.

Fine! I don't need you to fix this.

You don't even have magic powers.

The mating ritual of the speckled nerd man and woman is subtle, lacking the

flamboyant display of masculinity and femininity common in other species.

Oh, it seems as though the female has accepted the male's adventures and is

granting him entry into his supernatural party.

Check this out.

It's okay.

Oh, come on.

You guys are amateurs.

You know, you're going to play exactly what I told you to play. None of your

sad, pathetic, mopey little love songs.

Got it?

Are we clear?

Yes. It's time for a change around here.

Yeah, we need new leadership.

It's time to go back to our roots and follow the natural ways of Tarana.

You know, besides, I am tired of doing all the work around here and not getting

credit for it. Better be careful, Judy.

Playing with the fire of Agni going up against Denise.

Not if we're all in this together.

I don't know.

Do it.

Oh, guess what happened at my work today?

Old Mr. Goldman came back to life.

Whoa, really? We were embalming him, and then he just stood right up like he

wasn't dead. He was so pissed.

I think he was bitten by a vampire or something. He tried to bite me, but I

him in the head with a marble bust of Lincoln. Then his son kicked through the

door, and he put a wood stake through his heart, and he burst into dust.

That's amazing.

Yeah. I love how nothing I say ever freaks you out. I usually am freaked out

this stuff, but not with you.

You two are so fucking adorable.

You're like soulmates, you know? What's that feel like?

Soulmates? You know, I eat souls for breakfast, Pete.

And guess what?

They taste delicious.

Denise!

You took away my penis punch arm! Now you have to fix me!

You told him about the party? I swear I didn't. He must have followed me here.

This isn't fair!

I thought you tried to take away what you wanted.

Now everyone's looking at me like I'm some kind of freak!

You're lucky I gave you the time of day. Now get out of here before I give you

something worse than herpes.

Oh, God.

That's so thick.

Not the STD, just the curse.

Denise, you get this off my face now!

Do not tell me what to do. Or what? You gonna eat me like you did to that baby?

Wait.

She thought we weren't feeding off of babies anymore.

That's why your hair looks so good.

Bitch.

Denise, damn the dick, but he doesn't deserve this.

Okay, maybe he does, but hasn't he had enough?

You want to defend this guy?

Looks like we chose the wrong man for Addie, ladies.

What do you mean, chose?

Did you put a belt on him? to make him like me or something? Shit, no.

I mean, not exactly. I actually cast a spell that found him and mixed the

essence of a hipster with that of the Glorthic Demon and it actually found

You know, Glorthic Demon?

But what you and Pete have is, like, totally fake.

Really? Glorthic Demon?

I followed you the other night and she was telling this man's young lady here.

Hey. Hey.

They used the spell to get you and Pete together because you were such a good

housekeeper, they didn't want to lose you.

I knew it!

None of this is real!

No, it is real.

It was just a simple locator spell, Addie. I'm not stupid.

I know you're using me.

Screw all of you! No, Adelaide, Adelaide, it's real.

I think you're amazing, and I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long

It's not real, Pete.

Come on, Dan!

These are my best jeans!