Original subtitles

Greetings and good tidings.

I trust you remember Del from our facility in St. Louis?

Guess who Del just ran into.

This guy comes into my place to buy a passport. His name is Lansing. I'm

thinking this guy looks a lot like Joe Tetzeli. He was incognito at the time.

Did you give him a passport?

Yeah, I did do that, but... Understandable, Billy. He was wearing a

time. I mean, we still got a line on the man.

Yeah, I almost had him for you, Billy.

Now, I got six guys out right now, and they're combing... Almost.

Almost, almost, almost.

Why is it always...

I

want

the...

Find the woman and find the man.

Got a hair appointment in 25 minutes.

Okay, absolutely.

Oh, Amos.

Oh, Amos.

You make me crazy.

Oh, do I? Oh, Amos.

Oh, ain't nobody like you because I love you. I love you, baby.

Come away with me. I will.

You will?

Tonight. Come away with me tonight.

I will. You will? You know I will, baby. No, baby, baby. I'm serious. Look. No,

right away. Right now. No, I'm serious. Look.

I'm all packed and ready to go.

Look.

I got my new passport.

And this is all the luggage I need.

What are you talking about? It's Friday.

You know, I'm making beef bourguignon for Bob tonight.

Hey, I'm not fooling around here. I got everything we need in the car and recipe

for a whole lot more.

What on earth are you saying?

I'm saying, don't you want a new life, Charlene? In Mexico?

Huh? What did you say?

Yeah.

Everybody wants a new life. What do you say?

Come, baby.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, Aiden. You're a very intense man. Oh, shit. Bob. You're really

freaking me out. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Ouch.

Ow. Ow. It hurts.

And remember, there's never a credit problem at Bob Barnes.

How about a 1987 sedan?

Fully loaded, white wall tires, stereo, cold, cold air conditioning. Come on

down and hurt me. Ow.

Twist my arm and it cures for only $4 ,500.

Ow, ow, ow, it hurts.

That's too bad.

Hey, look, no. It's a massacre.

On a killing of $4 ,500.

Ow, ow, ow, it hurts.

The children were at their ordinary play.

But the little girl found as she looked around that the sky was growing gray.

This was not going to be an ordinary day.

And then the dark clouds came.

And then... Thunder!

To take a book?

Mrs. Armstrong, they can't read.

They'll learn.

I want you to sit here quietly for ten minutes.

Story hour is almost over. When your parents will come, we'll pick you up.

Lou, can I speak to you for a moment?

Um, sit quietly, please. I'll do that soon. Whatever can you be thinking of?

You've got them all wound up. I'm sorry, Mrs. Armstrong. I was just trying to

engage them with the material. Oh, really? Well, Thomas Carlyle said the

The best effect of any book is to excite the reader to self -activity. That man

clearly never ran a library.

My dear, between you and me, the best effect of any book is that it be

unmutilated to its shelf.

Now, you had something you wanted to show me?

Well, look at this office.

What's this?

Oh, the new books.

I was thinking about putting them on display at the fundraiser.

Coconut finger food? That's asking for trouble.

I'd rather you take them right back to my office, dear. And then maybe you

start cleaning up this mess tonight.

Oh, but it's Alex and my anniversary.

I'd planned a special dinner for him.

But I haven't had a chance to drop these flyers off yet.

Flyers are lovely, dear, but they really aren't necessary. We've got a solid

guest list.

If we have 20 or 30 people, I say success.

But imagine if we could get 100.

Terrifying.

Now don't forget the book, dear.

That'll be $55 .25.

Oh.

Oh, I have a coupon for the dog food.

It's too late. I already rung it up.

Oh, but I... You're supposed to give me the coupon before I ring.

Oh, all right. Excuse me. I used to give the customer courtesy.

The lady has a coupon to read again.

A policy is coupon first or no discount.

Oh, all right. No, no, no, you have a coupon, therefore a legal right to a

discount. Trust me, I'm a lawyer.

Look, lady, you want to get your manager down here? Because I'll bet you he'll

ring it again. He probably doesn't like lawsuits.

All right, all right.

Here's your quarter.

Take it.

Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, um, our public library is holding a fundraiser Monday night.

Maybe you'd like to come?

And I'll give you one, too.

Hope you can make it.

Thank you.

Bye -bye.

Bye.

Happy anniversary, Alex.

I hope you like your present this year because it's non -returnable.

It's something you wear.

Only you don't wear it. I do.

You're right, Scarlett. I shouldn't tell him about it. I should just surprise

him.

Hello, Perkins residence?

Hey, Lou, it's me. Listen, I'm not going to make dinner tonight. I'm really

sorry.

Oh. You there?

We planned this.

I mean, it's our anniversary.

Yeah, honey, I know, but I've got something very key going on here, okay?

out. Why can't we celebrate tomorrow? What's the difference?

What's the difference?

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't we go out with the wind again?

Let's just kind of stop the wind.

Well, that's very funny, Alex.

I worked hard.

No, no, listen.

This is big, okay?

Trust me on this one.

I gotta run. Say you love me.

I love you.

I love you.

Looks like it's girls' night out.

Mmm.

Mmm. Good.

Mmm. This is good.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

We did good, Scarlett.

We put up all those signs.

All by ourselves.

Hey, look.

There's Alex's car.

Oh, my God. That is Alex's car.

And that's the motel.

We got a victim. Amos Lansing, Caucasian, male, age 32, mustache.

Some type of dead rat.

Toupee. Come on, I'm trying to think.

Oh, it hurts, doesn't it?

All right, approximately 5 '9", 180 pounds, wearing brown pants, purple

loafers, no socks.

I hate guys who don't wear socks.

Personal effects.

One brand new passport.

Possibly fake. One gold watch, one diamond cluster ring, one brass knuckle,

black tonic and gold ring. What is a car salesman in Tennessee doing with a

brass knuckle? More important, what's he doing with a Cadillac filled with

brochures from Mexican resorts?

All right, I'm going to go out on a limb.

A trip to Mexico.

Yeah, obviously, Frank.

But how can he afford it?

We got to interview everybody this guy knows, starting with his boss.

Tonight? Yeah, right now. The guy who owns the Cadillac dealership.

Come on.

You really want this one, don't you, big boy?

Yeah. This is why I became a cop.

Besides, it's my chance to show Eric I'm good.

Wait up.

Come on, Frank. You're getting late.

Alec.

Eric knows you're good.

That's why he hates you.

Well, thank you again for your time, Mr. Barnes.

Yeah, I...

Kind of liked Amos, but he was very private.

I guess in six months, I never really got to know the man.

Look, Mr. Barnes, the smallest detail can be very helpful for us. Is there

anything else you can think of?

He came in, he sold cars, he went home.

Well, thanks again.

You boys come down to my showroom sometime. I'll take care of you.

Ouch!

It's a sad, sad, sad world, pumpkin.

Amos Lansing was killed.

What?

Amos Lansing, one of my salesmen.

Remember him, don't you?

Amos. Amos, Amos, Amos.

Oh, yes, I do have a vague recollection. Was it a freak fire or a car accident?

Motel murder. The police are investigating.

Investigating?

Investigating what?

The murder.

Sounded like some rendezvous with a hooker.

Hooker? Who said hooker? Just me.

The guy was a peckerhead. No decent woman would have touched him.

Scarlett! Scarlett!

Would you get off? Come on, get off of me!

Did you train this dog or something?

Look at this.

Officer Perkins said sorry, no comment at this time, huh?

Witty.

What can I say? The guy was dead, right?

Lucky you.

You know, I can't even remember the last real homicide in this town.

1981,

Sherman Cook.

Do you remember my shirts?

Oh, damn.

Betty Lou, you're incredible. This is my last shirt.

You know, if something's completely irrelevant, you remember it for life,

something relevant to our lives, like my having a clean shirt to wear for

work... Margaret wanted me to stay late and clean.

Betty Lou, learn to say no, okay? It's not that difficult.

N -O. No.

Are you making eggs?

That's arsenic.

That sounds good, but... I can't. I gotta get down to the station early.

Wait, Alex, you're not staying for breakfast?

I thought we were gonna celebrate.

Look, honey, for the next few days, I've got to practically live at the station.

What about the fundraiser Monday?

You're not going to miss that, are you? Oh, shit.

Alex, this is important to me. It's a chance to get people excited about what

do down there.

Well, maybe we can make it fun this time.

Yeah, we can.

By not going.

Very funny.

I'll call you later.

What about dinner?

Hey, don't forget my shirt today.

Come on.

Go on.

Pick up your own damn shorts.

You know...

You're incredible, Scarlet.

If something is irrelevant, you market it for life.

Scarlet, what is it?

Frank Bench? Oh, um, hi, Frank. It's Betty Lou. Is Alex there?

Oh, hi, Betty Lou. Can I call you back?

Oh, but it's extremely important.

Alex, it's important.

So I'll call her back soon.

Uh -huh. Well, I... Crucial. Urgent.

Boy's got work to do, don't you? Look, I said I'll call you back. Now I'll call

you back. Alex, I have to talk to you right now.

Why do you insist on wearing all these frumpy things?

Oh, well.

Oh, hey, this latest library school committee wrote me in again this year.

Boring. Oh, turn up on me. Oh, God.

Men hate the phone.

Remember that guy that I told you about? The cute one? CPA?

Our whole trouble is that he doesn't like the phone.

I can't talk right now. Eleanor, I have to go see Alex. It's important. I need

your advice. I mean, I know he likes me. We came over. I made him dinner. We had

great sex and everything.

But it's been over two weeks. And yet he called me. He's been really busy.

Anyway. The question is, do you think I should send flowers?

Wait, right?

Wait a week, and then send them. Great, thanks.

I knew you'd know.

Hey, look, aren't we lucky?

Yeah, they are.

I've got flowers. Oh, my gosh.

What are you doing? Oh, come on.

I have a gun.

I have a gun in my handbag.

Hey, hi, hi.

Good news. You are just the person we need to see. The fundraiser is there for

tomorrow. Say, Lou, we need to talk. Menu, menu.

Oh, honey, you are peaked, are you?

Oh, that jerk Alex just hung up on me. Oh, just call him up and give him a pace

of your mind. Remember when you hung up on me and then hung up on him for good?

Remember that drama one?

No, men don't get the whole idea of a phone. Remember that CPA I told you

I was just talking to Betty Lou about him. I was talking about those tiny

ribs. You know, those tiny little ribs that start when I can't remember.

Eleanor. Shut up, Mrs. Armstrong.

Shut up.

I'll talk to her.

Hello, honey. Are you all right?

What's going on here? Hold on. Just tell me what's going on. Hold on, Frick.

Is this the gun? Yeah. You know, you really put me in some kind of spot here.

This is the 22 Ruger. There's got to be a million guns just like this. Not

around here, there's not.

Now, before we start an official interrogation... Interrogate?

That's my wife you're talking about.

Well, your wife had the gun. Had a gun, not the gun. How about a nice hot cup of

coffee?

You found it, right? You found it right there in Nielsen's ladies' room?

Didn't you, Betty Lou?

Pure coincidence. All right, I'm going to start off by asking if she knew Amos

Lansing. Now, you knew Amos Lansing. How would she know a guy like that?

I don't know. Met him in the street someplace.

No, I'm telling you, she doesn't know anybody.

Come on, Lou, help us out here. Did you find it in the park or what?

Well, before you hung up on me. Is this her gun?

No, it's not her gun. She hates guns. She won't even touch mine. Right, Frank?

She won't even use the electric knife he bought her. That's right. Oh, really?

Well, she sure shot the heck out of the mirror. That was an accident.

Still destruction of private property, and I got a woman innocently trying to

relieve herself taking me for it. Could I please be alone with my wife for a

minute? Yes, you can be alone with your wife. Straighten her out.

Does she like sugar in her coffee? What are you, a goddamn stewardess? Just shut

up about the coffee.

Hey, Turk, I'm here to tell you that Betty Lou is not violent.

Eleanor, please, please leave.

Blood is thicker than one she promised.

Calm down, everybody. I want to handle this. Everybody calm down. Calm

down. Everybody shut up.

Quiet! Bunch of Chinese chickens, God!

My God, I haven't seen so much noise in my life.

You, come over here. I want to talk to you.

Stay here.

Now, the problem is, right now, she's the only suspect for the murder of Amy

Clancy. Oh, come on. Even if it's the same gun, she doesn't have a motive. No.

Of course not. I mean, anybody else. You might say they were lovers, but not

Betty Lou. Betty Lou did not have a lover. It's impossible. Oh, anything's

possible. There's no way on earth Betty Lou had a lover.

Betty Lou, you better tell us what you were doing there, because you know how

people talk. I mean, first they'll say that you were lovers, and then that you

killed him, and then that you were going to kill yourself.

You weren't going to do that, were you? I don't know. That's it. Al, she's only

saying what other people might be thinking.

Oh, look at her. She couldn't kill a fly. She couldn't kill a germ.

Come on, honey. We're going to hold on, Perkins, and that's an order. You

understand?

And you stay there.

Now, Betty Lou, sweetheart, everybody knows that you're innocent. Alex, all

friends, all of us here know you're innocent.

Now, we just need you to tell us that you're innocent, and then you can go on

home. Come on, Lou.

Just say it.

Say it.

Just say it, and everything will be just the way it was.

I'm guilty.

Go to jail now.

She's lying and you know it. She's hysterical or something.

Well, then you'll prove it. I can't just let her go, Alex. I got a

responsibility to the public. You know that. What about an alibi? I mean, the

guy we shot around what, late afternoon?

She was at the library. She's got kitty reading from four to five. I just called

there. She was on her break between three and four.

So she went off to read somewhere. I'll find a dozen people who saw her reading

somewhere. I think she's going through some hormonal changes.

Could be PMS.

Joan could kill on PMS.

Is she a drinker?

No, she's not a drinker. She's perfectly normal.

I don't know. Maybe she reads too much.

Well, I'll tell you what I think, boys.

The night behind bars, she'll snap right out of it. Sure, best thing for her. I

know Joan could sure use the night behind bars.

First thing in the morning, she'll have a whole new story.

That's my pot, honey.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh -uh.

That one's mine, too.

Give it a rest, Reba.

She's not in the business.

Hey, Georgie, scratch and sniff, huh?

Come on, Matisse.

This place sometimes kind of makes you want to bug people, you know.

What's your name, sugar?

Oh, Betty Lou Perkins.

Leave her both.

No relation.

Anything else you need, Betty Lou?

Oh, no, I'm fine, thank you. Yeah, and I'm fine, too. Thank you very much.

Just let me know if anybody bothers you. Don't worry, we will.

Well, Betty Lou, what are you in for? Or a little fender bender get out of hand?

Murder at the neat nook.

You serious?

Yes.

Oh, my God. The guy in the paper?

That was you?

Ain't that hot shit, man? That's nice to meet you.

You too.

I'll keep breaking up. You kids go home.

I mean, honey, you've got to get your story straight. Otherwise, they're going

to hang your ass for this stuff.

Amos wanted me to leave my husband, but I wouldn't.

So he pulled a gun?

Yes.

He pulled the gun first, from out of his briefcase.

You must have shit bricks.

I was. I was shitting bricks.

After he pulled out a gun, he says to me, if I can't have you,

no one can.

I don't know he spoke.

I figured that out already.

So, I turned away, and then he grabbed me, twirled me around,

and...

And then he kissed me.

Hard.

Like we both are going to die in a passionate embrace.

And then he pressed his arousal to me.

And I could feel it.

I grabbed the gun and broke free and flew.

And then he stumbled after me.

And I panicked. My whole life flashed before my eyes.

So I pulled the trigger.

Is that it?

Yeah.

Betty, baby, I want to believe you. I really do.

I mean, maybe I just don't understand the suburbs, you know?

I mean, I'm from back east, and in my neighborhood...

When shit like this went down, it had a little different ring to it.

Tell me about it.

About what?

About the shit in your neighborhood.

You've got a lifetime.

Until they hang my ass.

Would you stop?

She's your sister. She's not involved in anything. She's not involved in drugs.

She's not involved in the sex ring. I can't talk to you anymore. Goodbye.

I'm getting really tired of this.

I know. For God's sake, don't answer the phone.

Just don't answer the phone.

Uh -oh.

Reports back from ballistics.

Same gun.

Any prints on the gun?

Not except your wives.

Now, damn it, Perkins, you're starting to be an embarrassment around here.

All right, I know I'm going to say to her, just send her up.

She's already up in my office talking to her lawyer.

Her what?

I graduated with honors.

It wasn't one of the more famous law schools, but it was really, really good.

It was the one in Chicago where you could do the whole thing at night.

Oh, that's lucky.

Anyway, I am very experienced, and you've got a hell of a good case.

I mean, you've got no prior record, you've got good community standing, and

willing to work brighter.

Who are you?

Ann Orkin, attorney.

Hello. Alex Perkins' husband.

Goodbye. This case could get very, very heavy, and your wife is going to need

expert legal counsel, sir.

Go chase another ambulance lady.

You watch this land a little, mister.

I'm here like any good lawyer to make sure this woman understands her legal

rights. Oh, she understands her rights, all right. You have the right to remain

silent, a right which she's abused a little bit lately. You have the right to

attorney, and if you can't afford one, which you can't... I'm working grants.

That means free.

Oh, come on. I've heard that before. You know, we're up to the roof with our

mortgage. Your car needs like a new everything.

I mean, I'm willing to get you whatever help you need. Doctors, shrinks, you

name it. Hey!

Scratch and sniff!

I'm not crazy. I'm in jail. I need a lawyer. She stays.

Frank?

Scratch and sniff. Would she get that? I never say that. Just stop worrying.

We'll trip up the interrogation. She needs some more lawyers.

Can we help you, gentlemen?

The name's Jurgens. This is Brown.

FBI.

Is this your name of Lansing?

Yeah. Yeah, it looks like him.

And Lansing's real name was Joe Tetzeli.

He worked for a New Orleans racketeer named William Billy Bodine.

Billy Bodine is third -generation Cajun mafia. Very ruthless, very powerful.

Very wired to every scumbag between Tampa Bay and Galveston. Yeah, I think I

heard about him.

We've been very close to him before, but he threatens to kill anyone willing to

testify against him. And he always keeps his word. He's a very high priority.

That's why we were hoping to get to Tetzeli before Bodine did.

Apparently, Tetzeli turned on Bodine.

He was blackmailing him.

Right, so C. Bodine probably killed Tetzeli. Of course he killed Tetzeli.

But who did he hire to do it?

Officer Perkins, how well do you know your wife?

Don't you?

Yeah. Suzanne, you're gonna love this vintage, by the way.

Now, my granddaddy, he was a Mississippi oyster man.

And my daddy, he exported oysters from right here on this very same dock.

Oh, thank you, Glenn.

Well, nowadays, I don't recommend eating no Gulf shells.

They trusted you with the disposal of a barge of highly hazardous waste.

I explained to you it's not my fault, Mr. Bodine.

They lied to him, Billy.

Upon your word.

You know they screwed him, Billy.

It's not about they, is it, Suzanne?

I mean, it's never about they.

It's about you doing what you said you'd do.

Just like I always do.

I'm not trying to reproach you, Lawrence.

I'm merely reminding you that this business depends upon what people think

that's my credibility.

That's my most valued asset.

Why do you do things like that, Billy? Are you crazy? Is that it? Only when I

have to be, Mr. Marshal.

Now, what up?

Well, we have some good news in that you won't be paying off Ted Feli anymore.

He's no longer living.

Who got him?

Apparently a woman killed him.

Woman?

I knew it.

Now, how many times did I warn the man?

Billy, there is one slight problem in that the tape that he was using to

you with is still at large. It's floating around out there somewhere.

Then why don't we assume that the female has it, Mr. Marchant?

I'll get right up there.

And what we have here, gentlemen, is the situation is highly unusual.

Stressful to the whole doggone community. What with the press and all,

And Perkins, you know I got a election coming up.

Everyone's starting to say, well, the sheriff, he doesn't know what's going

All right, gentlemen.

What we have here is a clear cut tape of self -defense.

I want my client arraigned and released on bail. Miss Orkin. Miss Orkin. Oh,

Jesus. She doesn't know the guy's real name because she's never seen the guy

before. Ask her what he looked like.

Miss Perkins, would you please describe Amos Lansing?

You don't have to ask that.

Well, a person's looks are subjective, of course.

Well, of course they are.

But he was 32 years old, 5 '9", weighed 180 pounds.

Let's see, he had a mustache and...

Toupee. He was balding.

Okay, let's move on to the motel. You say you were there? Yes.

In room 33?

No, room 35.

What were the stains on his gray shirt? Mr. Perkins, I understand this is

awkward for you. He wasn't wearing a gray shirt, Alex. He was wearing a

shirt and brown pants.

So you read the newspaper, right? No, socks.

He never wore socks.

And, oh, yes, his gold watch, of course. You read my report.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave. He'll be fine. She read my report.

That's quite enough, Perkins. He'll be fine. He'll be fine outside.

Mrs. Perkins, are you acquainted with a certain William Bodine? Who is that? I

read about him. Have you read him?

Well... Look, there is no way that she was at that motel.

What color was the rug? That's it. You out.

Brown! Do you think you know everything, Alex, but you don't?

All right, Betty Lou, one last question. Yes or no, were you or were you not

with your lover at the neat nook? Yes, I was with my lover at the neat nook.

Let me talk to her.

Did you love him?

Hey, guys.

You new here?

I'm Betty Lou Perkins.

I'll see you inside.

Stop a little, Miss Murphy.

Yeah, well, I'm telling you, you're screwed up, Perkins. The FBI redusted

motel, found your wife's prints outside the room.

Well, what about inside the room?

Oh, she's smart enough to rub the prints off inside the room. And you know

something else, boys? They found her prints all over the Cadillac. Now, you

hiding something from me? We dusted the Cadillac. Ask Frank. Chief, we dusted

the Cadillac. Excuse me.

We were just at Barnes' lot. The title to Tetzeli's Cadillac is in your wife's

name.

There's no way we talked to Barnes. Barnes didn't say anything about that.

Barnes didn't tell us that either. We found it when we searched the records.

But it doesn't make sense.

What the hell is going on here?

You tell us.

Alex, Alex, maybe you should take some time off, huh?

What? I think the FBI is going to be handling this case from here on in. Oh,

bullshit!

Car titles are forged every day, you idiot.

All right, you are suspended as of right now. Oh, come on, Chief. You know he's

right. You interfere one more time, we'll arrest you for obstruction.

Oh, come on. He can't come if you stay. He's still doing his job.

Let him go. Let him go. Let him...

All right, all right, all right, yes.

The FBI is serious shit. I mean, they have permission to assassinate you,

Well, where do you get that crap? Because I know.

Betty, honey, you're going to be out in the jiffy. The Fed's got bigger fish to

fry. Oh, no, killing a snitch, that's a pretty good -sized fish. Right?

Well, I just told them the facts as I knew them. Just so you don't lie.

Mm -hmm.

Well, I didn't lie exactly.

Well, maybe a little bit.

Maybe. Well, how much time would I get, per se, misleading them slightly?

You know, misled feds, 10, 20 years.

Pearl, what are you scaring her for?

Betty, baby, everybody sometimes tells a lie. You just need to know the word

duress. I mean, Alistair Boyer, it's amazing what we can get away with when

you're under duress.

Yeah, I only bounce checks because I'm under duress.

I only shop with under duress.

You know I only trick because of duress.

Yeah, I was under a lot of duress.

Hello, honey.

You've got a hot little body. What are you hiding?

I don't know.

Try this on.

Oh, no.

That's a little bald. Honey, there's no such thing. Try it on.

Come on. Put your shoulders back. Stand up straight.

Look in that little tiny stomach with that chest out.

Oh, that looks good. I can do that.

Come here.

See, what you need is an attitude.

You know, the whole secret to lying and clothes and everything else

is attitude.

Now, if you want to be pretty or smart or say the sexiest thing in the whole

wide world, you have to tell them that with your eyes.

The truth is that you can be anything or anybody that you want to be.

What are you talking about? I can introduce you to some folks who are barf

Yeah, well, $50 is like a barf bag attitude.

$50 ain't ugly. $50, you two are never going to agree.

Hey, $50 for the jacket?

He's out the door.

Margaret Armstrong's private practice as a model librarian.

Dedicated, hardworking, and committed.

Besides, sources speculate that Mrs. Perkins and Mr. Lansing were involved in

lover's quarrel that ended in violence and death.

Well, I hope the reporter didn't take all that from just what I said.

I just can't believe that Betty Lou has a lover.

Yeah. Hang on.

It's more shut.

Did you find the tape?

No, not yet. Now, you know this perfect woman with whom Joe was doing a nasty?

You got it directly from your sister.

I was the outgoing one. I remember Betty Lou didn't even talk until she was

three. We had her tested and everything. Yeah, look, all I can say is poor Alex

Perkins. I mean, to have the whole town know your wife cheated.

Anyway, the general word on this Betty Lou is that she is extremely cagey.

Do you think that she's holding the tape, Mr.

Marchette?

I want you to get to her.

I want that tape found or lost forever.

Billy, you understand she's claiming she knows you.

Do I have to come up to you and handle this my way?

But, Billy... Glam,

pack our belongings.

You guys met in high school?

Yep, high school sweethearts.

Then we dated other people when he went to cop college.

But then we got back together.

Got married eight years. Wow.

Bet you know, I read this book once. There was this Boston lady named Hester.

She got knocked up by a reverend and she wouldn't tell anyone who the father

was. So they made her stand in this mall with this A on her chest.

That's a scarlet letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

The A stands for adulterous. Yeah, right, right.

And later, Miss Hester always wore that scarlet letter just to say, y 'all kiss

my ass.

Yeah, every now and then you gotta tell them that kiss. Yeah, y 'all kiss my

ass. Kiss my ass. That's right.

What the hell is going on here?

People think they know me, but they don't.

Nobody has any faith or confidence in me. I think I can't do anything right.

I remember just around the time my parents were breaking up.

I was only 12, but I decided I had to make this perfect Thanksgiving dinner.

And so I slaved over this beautiful turkey, and...

as I was carrying the turkey up to the table.

Everyone was looking at me.

I dropped it.

So, first Thanksgiving, after Alex and I got married, I invited his whole family

over for dinner.

Of course, everything had to be perfect.

It was.

You dropped the turkey?

No, I just burst out crying.

I dropped a turkey.

Every time I try anything, every time I take a chance,

I always end up making a mistake.

Nighty -night, ladies.

Go get a life. Get out of here. Hey, kiss my ass, George.

What'd I do?

Okay, what do we know for sure? I mean, her husband conducted the initial

investigation, for God's sakes. Right, the guy's a fool. That's why she's

fooling around on him. What else?

She and Ted Sutter were definitely at the motel together.

But she might be lying about being the hitter. Which would mean that she's

either protecting Bodine or hiding something.

Let's put her on the street and see what Bodine does.

What do you mean? It's too dangerous now. Look, if she's with Bodine, he'll

to hook up with her. If she's not, he'll want to talk to her.

Either way, we get him.

We have another choice.

Main City, please.

The court is now in session.

The Honorable J .T. Jickens presiding.

Case for the people versus Betty Lou Parsons.

Ready, Lou Parkin?

Hell,

I don't go to the library enough.

I just don't get it. They waived your bail and freed you on your own

recognizance. Prosecutors are lovely, weren't they?

You've got a Cadillac. They've been aimlessly in these cars registered in

name. What? That can't be right.

Is there something you're not telling me?

Wow.

Hold on, baby. I think we need to talk about this.

...against Billy Bodine.

What? No comment.

Oh, my lawyer, Ann Orkin, has asked me not to discuss my case.

Well, you can ask me other questions. Look at your hair.

All right.

...are asking themselves just who is the mystery woman loved by Joe Tedzelli. It

was me, you idiot.

It was me.

...to the crime, her attorney, Ann Orkin. I don't get credit for anything,

I'll take the order to throw Betty Lou in jail.

Beat us to a crack.

Five years from now, seal up the crack.

He deserved it.

Rock on, Betty Lou.

Watch out for the hitman.

Watch

out

for the hitman.

And you should say, red hair means fire and ham.

You seduced me, Warren.

Rumor has it.

Her husband's the one with the big gun.

It was just an exercise.

She sure put that in.

You can't go running around selling that car. People are going to get the wrong

idea about you. Oh, and people have always gotten the wrong idea about me.

I can live with... No, let's think.

Let's not think.

Yes, well, obviously she's well -connected. She cut a deal. She's out.

Just bring her to me.

I want to meet this notorious female.

Special Agent Jurgensen Brown.

You know, I know exactly what you're doing, and if anything happens to my

wife... She's white, she's good -looking, and she's getting away with

She almost killed me in the bathroom!

Betty Lou Perkins of postmodern Robin Hood, writing wrong and a timid and

forgotten, buying candy for children and lipstick for little old ladies.

For Channel 18 News, I'm Lydia Williams, reporting from Tetley, Missouri.

Back to you, Sock.

I really think you're going to like this library, Anne.

Oh, my God.

I don't think that many people have library cards.

There she is.

Order up as many egg rolls as they can make. Three dozen pizzas from Pizza Hut.

Thin slices.

Pizzas!

On behalf of

all bibliophiles, I'd like to thank the lovely ladies of the Library Auxiliary

for their efforts.

And, of course, our two librarians, Margaret Armstrong...

And Betty Lou Perkins.

Maybe Betty Lou would like to step up here and say a few words.

Well, funny thing happened

on the way to the fundraiser.

So great, so many lovers of the library showed up.

And I don't want to disappoint any of you.

So I'm going to give you what you want.

Sex.

Crime.

Mystery.

Romance.

I have something to show you.

Hey, hey, please stop eating.

Oh, show me to the mainstream.

Oh, yeah, follow me.

I think you'll really like it. What's it about?

It's all about Nancy Drew, girl detective.

I think you'll enjoy it.

Thank you, Betty Lou.

Alec?

Okay.

What do you tell you about me? I have to know.

I beg your pardon.

All right, I come from nothing. So what?

So Bob's a hound dog, so what?

I love him, so I'm begging you.

Whatever he said about me, please just don't use my name.

I want to stay married.

What is your name?

What?

name. I'm nobody.

What would anybody want to say a thing about nobody?

Tramp.

Hey.

What's the matter?

Oh, well, I had a big day.

Listen, we need to go someplace quiet where we can discuss your case.

I know just the place.

is one drink, okay?

Deal.

That one didn't count.

I don't usually drink.

This whole taste is going to make a big difference in my life.

Oh, that's great.

Why? You're my first client.

More drinks?

No, no, come here.

It's okay.

Everything is under control. I have...

It's not the rat.

What is it? It's Alex.

Yeah.

He hasn't even seen my new hairdo.

Who did cut your hair?

I mean, you know, I think he would like the jacket. I love the jacket.

You do? You want to try it on? No, I don't mean I love it like I want it.

What are you doing?

I would like to talk.

Your wife, your marriage.

Maybe some things are about me. Well, I thought you were a part of me and I was

a part of you.

Let's get out of here.

I want a cigarette.

Just cut the crap. You don't smoke.

How do you know? I don't tell you everything.

Would your friend Amos smoke?

Well, he didn't make a fuss when I did.

He's a great guy.

Do you mind?

You don't remember.

Because you didn't do it.

What, have an affair?

Yeah. Why is that so hard to believe that I might be exciting to other men?

People have affairs. People have lovers.

Why not me, Alex?

Because I never did. I never had anyone but you.

You had everyone but me.

You had Frank and the boys and the force and the bars and the games.

Just forget it. Betty Lou, look.

You want to dance? Yeah.

What did you say?

She looks unhappy.

I'm going to dance with you. No.

No, you're not.

Look, let me put this another way.

Get lost.

All right.

Alex,

that wasn't fair.

Come on.

A divorce?

You can have the house, the furniture.

I don't want anything.

Except Scarlett. I want the fucking dog.

Just a word of advice to you, as a cop.

Vets have you set up pretty good with Bodine, so I'd be careful.

But how?

How should I know?

Why didn't I tell you?

I'm off the case. As a matter of fact, I'm off the force.

Isn't that great?

I give up.

Wait, Alex!

I didn't do it!

Didn't do what, Betty Lou?

Didn't do...

She took an overactive interest in her husband's work.

That, combined with attention deficit syndrome.

Wait, Ann. I know you don't understand.

No, you don't understand, Betty Lou.

I wish you had shot Lansing.

Not shooting him involves perjury and tampering with a federal investigation.

I was under duress.

Get over it. What are you going to do? Just leave me here? No. You go back

inside and live it up.

Get it out of your system, because the fun's over tomorrow, babe.

With lawyer.

We tick with Betty Lou.

Aw, shit.

Aw.

What can I do to get.

Good book?

Not half bad.

Hi, I'm single.

Really?

Congratulations.

I'm expensive.

Whoa.

Lucky I don't have to arrest you.

Why, are you a cop?

I used to be.

What's your name?

Bond, James Bond.

Hey, Jimmy.

I'm Scarlett O 'Hara.

Oh, shit, my dog's name is Scarlett.

My wife, my ex -wife's favorite book is Gone with the Wind.

You're not Alex Perkins.

You know my wife?

Yeah.

How do you know she likes Gone with the Wind?

You should know everybody.

Where the hell was I?

Well, sir, I think that's a real good question.

What do you mean?

Where were you?

Well, got good news and bad news.

That one's bad news.

Wait, don't open that yet. Wait, let me talk about it.

What,

are you colorblind or just simply brain dead?

What are we supposed to do?

You ponytailed sub -moron. We told you not to. It's a matter of kidnapping. You

can identify us.

We've got you.

And who have we here?

Ant Orkin!

Attorney at law.

Well, Ms. Ann Oaken, attorney at law, I'm William Bodine, and I see you've met

my nephews, Glenn and Gary, and this is my attorney.

You, Mr. Oaken, are going to be so disbarred.

Indeed.

Alex?

Hello?

Alex?

Nobody, Lou.

William Bodine here.

What? What is it?

I got your lawyer friend here with me. Tell me about it!

Dan? If you wanted to live, you will behave intelligently.

Who is this? What are you talking about?

Check it. You can't afford to lose conversation. Wait, you don't

This is a mistake.

I made a terrible mistake.

Yes, you did. I did.

Mr. Tetzeli has a tape that I'm very interested in.

have it a tape what tape i want you to get the tape and i want you to take it

the payphone underneath the water tower by the cotton compress now i'm gonna

call you there at 6 a .m and i'm gonna tell you where to go next i can be a

very unpleasant person when i have to be so no feds your friend did

well wait let me talk to her again

Okay, it's working now. I could really use some sisterly advice.

Could you come over?

Really, Lou? Really?

You want me?

Yeah, and could you come right away?

It's important.

Oh, okay, okay. I'm on my way.

Oh, God, what am I going to wear?

I prefer Betty Lou.

I'm so sorry.

Are you alright?

Why don't you just kick me in the balls now?

I guess you'll live.

What the hell are you doing here, Betty Lou?

What are you doing here? I saw you sneak by the beds.

Oh, so you're following me. Of course I'm following you. I'm trying to find

what the hell's going on here.

Oh, Alex, Bodine's kidnapped my lawyer and wants me to deliver some tape that

Lansing had.

Lansing had a tape of Bodine? Yes, and now he thinks I have it, but 50 bucks

says she's got it. Well, who the hell is she? The woman who was Lansing's lover.

I knew you weren't Lansing's lover. Of course not.

Let's see, maybe you know her.

She's brunette, petite.

She's kind of wacky.

She wouldn't tell me her name, but she talked like this.

What else, what else?

Let's see, she's married, said her husband's a dog.

Well, that's not so unusual.

What else?

She said, Bob's a hound dog.

Oh, husband's name's Bob.

Bob Barnes, of course. His wife Charlene could have met Lansing at the showroom.

Oh, I have to talk to her.

Wait, this is a police matter. You can't handle this alone. It could be

dangerous. I have to handle this.

And that is because of me.

Just let me come as a friend, okay? I'll shut up. I'll take orders.

Betty Lou.

I'll let you drive the Bronco.

Police department. Is this Charlene Barnes?

Is this the woman?

Yes, it is.

There's been some new developments. We can ask you some questions regarding the

murder of Amos Lansing, a .k .a. Joe Ciselli.

Boy, you've got to prove Charlene's involved.

How about her fingerprints in the room where he was killed? What?

Spent where?

Oh, bullshit.

Gee, the housewife don't even have the print.

We do now, Mr. Barnes.

It's easy enough to check.

Oh, my God.

Let's see if this matches the hair we found from Amos Lansing's car.

I would never... We're even in Amos Lansing's car.

So you were in the room.

Just don't answer, Pop.

Mrs. Barnes, are you aware we have your voice on his answering machine?

That is a dirty little lie.

Amos didn't even have an answering machine.

You're right.

But how did you know that?

Oh.

Um, I, you see. Well, uh, because she called in for me.

That's what I did. Come on, Charlene, woman to woman.

You know Amos told me everything about you.

He didn't? Well, he told me you said your husband was a dirty hound dog.

I didn't say that. I never said that. But that you still loved him. I did say

that. That I did say.

Amos said you begged him to take you to Mexico.

No! No! He begged me to run away with him.

That's it. I'm arresting you for the murder of Amos Land. What are you

about? That's right. I'm taking you in. What? Ow!

Amos told me he told you all about the tape. No!

You're going to be spending a lot of time in jail. A lot of time in jail.

I've been there and it isn't a pretty picture. It's ugly and it's dirty and

dangerous. Daddy, please help me.

I did it.

I killed Amos.

Because you loved her and you couldn't stand sharing her.

Oh, my God.

You did that for me?

I had to, Popkin.

Charlene, honey.

The only way you can help your husband now is if you tell us everything you

about the tape. What tape?

any goddamn tape. Where is it?

You're lying.

He said everything was in the car.

He said the recipe for a lot of money was in the Cadillac.

The Cadillac?

So it was Barnes who put the title in your name?

Daddy, I just needed your attention. You spent all day with your car.

those dumb commercials.

You know, I really hated those commercials.

You know what I was thinking? What?

With me away, maybe you could do those spots for me.

Oh.

Really?

Okay, in here. This is where we store the evidence.

Oh, my key still works.

All right, why don't you look through this evidence log?

Everything that was in this Cadillac should be in here somewhere.

Wallet, sunglasses, passport, car keys. Take 36 of them. Do you see them?

Yeah, I'm right there.

Okay, let's borrow this tape recorder here.

All right, what are we looking for?

I don't know. I guess there's tape of a conversation or something. I guess we

have to listen to all of these.

Your favorite song?

Very.

Well, that's not it.

What a nightmare.

Look at this. Barry Manilow, Debbie Boone, Paul Anka in Vegas.

This guy deserved to be shot.

Forget it, Lou. This is all music. It'll take forever to go through all this.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Try this.

Beau Soleil, Cajun band.

I know it's a long shot, but I'm just thinking, Bodine's Cajun and the rest of

the stuff's easy listening music.

I bet you there's no way we're going to make it in time.

Wait,

that's, that's Bodine's voice.

This is evidence. We could nail Bodine with this. Forget the evidence. Anne's

life's at stake. Come on.

You can listen to this all night.

All right.

That's it.

Let's go kill the bitch, burn down her house, and go home.

Very bad idea.

She's here, Mr. Bodine. Give me the telephone.

Of course.

Give me the telephone.

All right, all right.

Betty, we have to stick to the plan, okay?

All right, then let me come.

All right.

First one question.

What went wrong?

Wasn't I enough?

I wasn't enough.

I want you back, Betty Lou.

I don't know how I can make that happen, but I want you back.

The gun, Alex.

Find out where they are and come right back.

I'm here.

That's good to hear.

What you got for me?

I have a tape you might want to hear. But first I want to hear Anne.

Mr. Marchand.

Send Dan out.

Billy, that's it. She's here.

Ann, are you all right?

Betty Lou, the master of mine.

Scourge of Tetley.

The old gun in the handbag bit, huh, Betty Lou?

Man, that is brilliant.

No tape, Lily.

Where is the tape?

How stupid do you think I am?

I think that you are extremely stupid.

Well, not stupid enough to bring it with me.

I'll take you to it when you release him.

Just give the man what he wants, idiot.

Don't do it, Betty. They're going to kill us both anyway.

Where is the tape, Betty Lou?

Not until you let Anne go.

Look, you don't know this man.

That's true.

Allow me to formally introduce myself.

Need I say more?

Now can I have the tape, please?

I hope that I have not kept you awake too long.

No.

Now, where were we? I think I remember something about, um, Amos said something

about another tape.

Don't tell me!

The old empty gun in the handbag

bed, huh, Bodine?

You and me, we need to talk.

Don't move.

I'm not moving.

I said don't move.

You shoot him!

You ain't gonna shoot me, try you better.

Stop talking. I'm not talking.

Shut up!

I will.

I will.

I'm not getting excited.

I'm not getting excited.

Wait, just listen to me. I'm listening to you.

Stop.

You don't know what you're doing.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Please, Betty.

Please.

You can't shoot another man.

Please.

No.

Please.

I can't believe it myself.

So is this the real Betty Lou Perkins?

Well, I guess you've got a lifetime to figure that out.

I do?