Original subtitles

Well, sir, the whole thing begins

in an exceedingly large village

which is called by name as New York City

It is a crazy year and a crazy time

when a citizen name of Rockefeller is handin' out dimes

It is a time when gin comes in bathtubs and cops come in pairs

due to the Volstead Act, which is enforced somewhat

And in certain communities around the land

violin students are meetin' one another

unexpectedly on certain streets

and immediately commence to make beautiful music at each other

Like I said, it is a crazy time

what with this and that and one thing and another

Now it comes on a pleasant spring morning that a tale begins to unfold

This tale concerns a somewhat gentleman

by the name of Honey Talk Nelson

who is a very dapper citizen

usually found on or about the premises of Mindy's Restaurant

a well-known eatin' emporium situated on the main stem

Uh, this citizen is not Mr. Nelson

but these are Honey Talk's friends

all followers of the sport of kings, and a noble breed of men

providing you do not expect too much of nobility

They are deeply interested in horse racing

Philly the Weeper, Milk Ear Willie

The Society Kid, Lead-Pipe Louie, No-Knees Nolan

Sam, Sam?

Sam! So sue me

Now, here is Honey Talk Nelson, himself

So called because he can honey talk strangers out of anything

especially money

The guy with him is Fat Phil, who is no stranger

Stop the honey talk, Honey Talk

I am no stranger

6 million people in New York and everybody knows me

Jimmy Walker better import some new strangers

I got a horse at Jamaica, hotter than a base runner

Lead-pipe positive

Like money from home. You want in?

Yeah, I'll... I'll pool my dough with yours.

That's no pool, that's a birdbath

Look, Honey Talk, I am not partin' with any of my workin' capital

I'll give you one of my markers

Markers?

The town is swimmin' now in your markers

You're the only citizen on this street who has his IOU's printed

What's the matter with my IOU's?

Just feel the quality of that paper

Stop mooching from the fraternity, Honey Talk

Yeah. How come your cousin doesn't stake you?

Cousin has to give him what to eat now

And if it wasn't for that horse doctor

he wouldn't even have where to sleep

What's the matter, you geniuses never had a losing streak?

Everybody's entitled to a losing streak

but 126 days out of the money

you're abusing the privilege

Okay, the next time you touts see me

just line up and get paid off

Then scratch yourselves right out of my life

cause my luck is changin' today

I got that feeling right in the seat of my pants

Hey, Honey Talk, wait a minute

Here's a double finnif

That's all you can spare? Well, now wait

It's all right for a start, Sam

I'll give you a marker

Okay, what's the name of the horse?

Jumbo Schneider desires to see you, Honey Talk

Can't you see I'm busy?

Personally, I would advise you to come with me

What for?

Jumbo don't say what for

If you get Jumbo sored up

he might be inclined to trim your toenails up to here

Listen, Oscar, I only know one thing

the guy owes me 6,000 potatoes, see?

And I don't care if he's a commissioner

You tell him that either he pays up

with Jumbo by next Thursday noon

or he is suddenly taken fatally dead

Tell my boys that my books don't take no more bets from cops

over $2,000

Honey Talk Nelson, Jumbo

You sent for him

Gentlemen usually remove their hats in a person's home

It's n-nice to know you, Mr. Schneider

It is not nice to know me

I know me and believe me, it is not nice to know me

especially when you're indebted to me

I'm not indebted to you, Mr. Schneider

I only deal with your books when I have cash

It's a well-known fact to one and all

that you don't care for IOU's

Well, you talk good, Honey Talk, but you talk wrong

You see, because you are indebted to me to the amount of

Three thousand, four hundred and fifty biscuits

Three thousand, four hundred and fifty biscuits

Me? That's ridiculous

I buy these up from the various bookies you are in hock to

and they are glad to settle with Jumbo

for 20 cents on the dollar

which gives you a rough idea what state your credit's in

I'll make good every dime, Jumbo

I just had a run of black luck

But my luck is changin' today

I've got that feelin' right in the seat of my pants

and when I get that feelin', my luck changes

Yeah. Well, kid, your luck has changed already

See, because all you gotta do to get square with Jumbo

is to do Jumbo one little favor, that's all

Anything you say, Jumbo Anything, long as it's legal

Legal, schmegal, you either do it or you wind up

in a concrete kimono sucking mud

from the bottom of the Hudson River

Oh. What's the favor?

Well, there is a horse runnin in the Gold Vase Steeplechase

at Tarrytown, Maryland, next week, by the name of Sweep Forward

and I would like that Sweep Forward should win, that's all

But there's a horse in that race by the name of My Sheba

that's the odds on favorite to win the race

Yeah, yeah, so you're a smart guy

so you figure out that if My Sheba don't run

then Sweep Forward has to breeze home

That's not my line of work Why do you pick on me?

Because My Sheba is owned by a very pretty doll

by the name of Miss Phyllis Leigh

and that is your line of work

How do you figure that?

Do you honestly think that a very pretty doll could go

for the Seldom Seen Kid

or Short Boy

or Russian Henry

or The Big Midget?

They look kind of cute to me

Well, you ain't no very pretty doll

You're just a guy in hock

Well, what can I do to keep the doll's horse out of the race?

I'm no fixer

Well, there are two things you can do, Honey Talk

The, uh, first thing is you can honey talk the girl into scratching the entry

Oh, have a heart, Jumbo

Second thing is

I, uh, hear that you've got a cousin which is a horse doctor

Virgil? I can't get him to fix a horse

Well, I suggest you use both methods

number one and number two, for, uh, safety's sake

Safety?

Yeah, your safety

Here are your tickets for Maryland

The Seldom Seen Kid'll give you the details

And do like you're told because otherwise

you will wind up payin' rent in a cemetery

Pack a bag for the Seldom Seen Kid

Just to play it for a sure thing

I think I want him in Maryland

to keep an eye on Honey Talk and his horse doctor cousin

Take two

Blow! Come on

Hey! What's up? What's goin' on?

Motherhood must be served, sir

Come on, sweetheart. Come on

Cross over

Good doggie

Come on, hurry up, hurry up

That's a good girl

Oh, for the love of Lil

I'm in a hurry and this yokel stops me to let a dog go by

I beg your pardon, sir, but that dog happens to be a mother

Supposing that was your mother crossing the street

with you in her mouth

You calling my mother a dog?

Of course not

But would you feel better if that dog were a cat?

Here we are, Do-Do. Your home sweet home

I'll be right back, fellows

Now, you sit nice and quiet

Here's your Do-Do. Thank you

Oh! Do-Do, you've come home

Oh, bring my darling to me

Oh, come to Mama

Her little bitsy pupsy dog

Is he home from that nasty old hospital?

Madam, I'll have you know that Dr. Capulet

does not have a nasty old hospital As a matter of fact

it's so clean you can eat right off the floor

Oh, I'm quite sure

I personally like a table in the waiting room

Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor Oh, that's all right

Oh, I'm not the doctor. I'm Virgil Yokum I'm the intern

But one day I'm gonna be a doctor, you mark me

You're quite sure he's all right now?

Oh, yes, don't you worry, Mrs. Cheshire

Do-Do's tail will wag again

Oh, thank you, thank you so much

Do come in while I write you a check, Doctor

I'm not the doctor

Did you hear something?

What?

Strange

I thought I heard

Never mind

There it goes again

Bells

That's what it sounds like, tiny bells

that's me I'm wearin' them

You see, I like animals so much

I wouldn't wanna hurt any of them

We're all God's creatures, even the ants

So that's why I wear the bells at the bottom of my trousers

So they can hear me comin, they can get out of the way

so I won't step on em

What a charming notion

Here, hold Do-Do for me I'll write you a check

Maybe someday everybody'll wear bells at the bottom of their pants

Hey, real bell-bottom pants

No, I'm serious

not everybody, Doctor

Not women, too

Yes. Of course, they'll have to wear larger bells

because their pants are so high from the ground

Me and my big mouth

I'd get rid of it, except it's such a handy place to keep my teeth

come back with my dog

Come back with my dog

See the way he likes the hospital

Oh, he liked it so much at the hospital

he wanted to go back with me

Doctor, your check

Before I go, I'd like you to have

a free sample of our new dog food

Dr. Capulet highly recommends this

It's called Ruff

And it's the only pet food dogs can ask for by name

Now it comes in five delicious flavors

meat, liver, cheese, fish and strained custard for the older dogs

Keep a few cans on your shelf

It's good to have in case unexpected dogs drop in

How is it, Doc?

Everything's fine

No bones broken as you can see Are you sure?

I'm quite sure, quite sure

All he needs now is fresh air, rest

and plenty of leafy green vegetables

You'll be all right, Virgil. Don't worry

Now, if you need anything, just bark Call

Well, you'll excuse me?

I have another dog waiting

You can get into more hot water than a Scotchman's tea bag.

Why do you always have to fall on your head?

It's my head. I'm entitled

Virgil, you're my cousin

you're all I have in this world

You got Catherine

Catherine's sweet and I love her

and I love you for givin' her to me

But I'd much rather have you than any white mouse

Honest?

You're not just sayin' that because you wanna borrow more money?

Virgil, how can you even think of such a thing?

It's easy. All I have to do is remember

Forget the past, Virge

You know what I'm gonna do for you?

What?

I personally am gonna take you

to a nice quiet spot for a vacation

For instance where, for instance?

Well, there's a little town in Maryland

where you can get plenty of fresh air

leafy vegetables and rest

Maryland?

Gee, I never been there

It must be beautiful

And it's got a girl's name, like Virginialand

That's right

It works every time

Oh, cut it out. Now come on, let's go pack our bags

We're leaving from Penn Station I got the tickets

Already? How did you manage that?

Did a long shot come in?

One of the longest shots I've ever been on, kid. Wait a minute

You sure you're well enough to travel?

I'm fine. Feel my nose

Yep, cold and wet. Come on, let's go pack our duds

Wait a minute, Cousin If I'm gonna take a trip

I'm gonna have to say goodbye to all my friends

So you go ahead and I'll meet you at the station

All right, but hurry it up, kid

'cause if we miss this train

you'll be saying goodbye to me

You know I don't wanna go

And I'm gonna miss you

I hope you're gonna miss me, too

Before I go, I want you to listen to every word I have to say

¶ Now, there was a little doggie ¶

¶ And his name was Pete ¶

¶ He was always chasing autos up and down the street ¶

¶ He got his tail caught in the back of a wagon ¶

¶ Now his tail ain't wagging ¶

¶ It's dragging ¶

¶ I want you to meet poor Pete ¶

¶ I hate to have to mention ¶

¶ He didn't pay attention ¶

¶ Now there was a little monkey ¶

¶ And her name was Dot ¶

¶ She liked to play with matches when she should have not ¶

¶ She burned her little tootsies and now she can't jump ¶

¶ This chimp was a chump ¶

¶ And if you think not, meet Dot ¶

¶ I hate to have to mention ¶

¶ She didn't pay attention ¶

¶ There was a dog named Nellie ¶

¶ She was quite a bodyguard ¶

¶ Her master said, "Now, Nellie, stay in your own backyard ¶

¶ "Protect my home and family ¶

¶ "And never, never roam" ¶

¶ But Nellie just forgot one day ¶

¶ And strayed away from home ¶

¶ She didn't listen very well ¶

¶ Here's Nell ¶

¶ I hate to have to mention ¶

¶ She didn't pay attention ¶

¶ Whether you're a dog or a bird ¶

¶ You had better heed every word ¶

¶ And with danger don't ever flirt ¶

¶ I don't want no one should get hurt ¶

¶ So be good and careful from day to day ¶

¶ Don't make a boo-boo ¶

¶ Be careful ¶

¶ While I'm away ¶

Attention, please

Are you going to Maryland

only for the Gold Vase Steeplechase, Your Highness?

Is it true you're gonna buy the horse that wins?

Hey, Poojah, do you take all your wives with you everywhere you travel?

Buffalo

Cleveland

Indianapolis

St. Louis

Gate number 12, leaving in 5 minutes

What's the Shriner's Convention in town?

No, that's the Poojah of Bahloop and some of his wives

Some of them? How does he ever take a shower

with all those stockings hanging in the bathroom?

Attention, please!

What's this? I told you no pets on this trip

What's a vacation without your friends?

I've got to have someone to talk to

Besides, they're only ants

And here's my favorite His name's Leon

Leon is the uncle of that one

And that's the only uncle in town who's an ant

You don't think that's amusing?

Come here, Virgil

Get the bags

You don't think it's amusing?

What's goin' on?

You got any money? I got to get the tickets

You said you had the tickets

I did have, Virge

But there was a horse at Jamaica

and I got the feeling in the seat of my pants

and so I converted the tickets into cash

And Virge, this may come as a shock to you

but I can't trust my pants anymore

What are you doin'?

It's been a very, very nice trip, Honey Talk

Thanks very much

Here, you can't run out on me, now

Haven't you got any dough left?

No! Now can I run out on you?

Well, if you do, it'll be curtains for me

Curtains

I'll get us to Maryland yet

What do you mean curtains for you, Honey Talk?

Something smells awful fishy around here

and you're acting like a barracuda

Give me the bags What are you doin'?

What are you gonna do?

What are you doin' that for?

Get out of the way. Come

Special train, Number 15

I don't wanna do this, Honey Talk

Excuse me, lady

I'm no lady

Sorry, sir, but passengers aren't allowed in that car

It's reserved for the Poojah of Bahloop and his entourage

Honey Talk

Honey Talk

What's the matter with you?

Honey Talk, you've gotta get me out of here

There's lady girls in here undressed

Inside

His Exalted Worthiness desires a wife

Enter

How spirited

You're the one I choose

The rest go. Go! Go

Your shyness is charming

But before you reveal yourself to me, you must dance again

And by the degree of your grace

let me surmise your identity

Faster! Faster

Faster! Faster

That's enough, my spirited one

Now, my fragrant flower, come to me.

Then I come to you

Come here, little one.

Yes, I'm going to catch you

So exciting

You will be among my favorites

¶ Love is the same all over the world ¶

¶ No one lives without it ¶

¶ No matter where you are ¶

¶ In Singapore or Zanzibar, a kiss is a kiss ¶

¶ Papa needs a Mama ¶

¶ For love is in the air everywhere ¶

¶ In the strangest places ¶

¶ where they cover up their faces ¶

¶ Love still finds a way ¶

¶ Why, there's even someone making with the wooing ¶

¶ In the ruins of Pompeii ¶

¶ Love is the same ¶

¶ It doesn't matter, sister, how you say it ¶

¶ It's the same all over the world ¶

His Worthiness desires another wife

Come quickly, All of you

Now, get in here

Why, you idiot

What were you doin' out there?

What was I supposed to do?

I wasn't even married to him

Get in here

You're gonna get us into trouble

foolin' around with the mail like that

I'm gonna get us into trouble?

We are in trouble

What are you doin'?

I'm taking inventory. I have a feeling something's missing

And I know I sacroed my iliac

Now, come on, we got a long way to get to Tarrytown

No, I'm gonna sit down

I'm tired and hot and hungry

and homesick and thirsty

And I'm very, very upset with you, Honey Talk Nelson

Put your veil on Here comes a car

Come on, our worries are practically over

Yeah? Wait till he finds out I'm a boy

Thank you for stoppin

Well, that's quite all right

And how are you, my dear?

I'm a boy

How very odd Well, if you'll excuse me

You talk like a foreigner Are you a foreigner?

Only in this country

Haven't I seen your picture somewhere?

Oh, quite possibly I am Bertie Searles

Sure. Bertie Searles

You're the famous steeplechase jockey from England

Oh. Well, I am a leading gentleman rider

if that's what you mean, sir

I am on my way to Tarrytown to ride My Sheba

in the Gold Vase Steeplechase

My Sheba. That's right

You came all the way from England across the water?

That is the only way one can get here

Would you give us a lift in to Tarrytown?

Why, certainly, old boy, if you know where it is

I've been lost for days

Well, step right in the back, Mr. Searles

that's very nice of you

We'll get you to Tarrytown all refreshed and in time for the big race

Thank you. Tell me

is this the way people dress here in America?

no, this was the only way we could get on the train

Well, you see we were at a masquerade ball

and we've been out all night

and somebody stole our bicycles

so we're thumbin' our way into Tarrytow

very jolly, indeed

Yeah, that's how it happened

Actually, we had the bikes right outside the place

magnificent countryside

I say, a bit of luck bumping into you chaps, eh?

By the way, Mr. Searles, do you have any extra threads

that we could borrow till we get to the hotel?

Threads?

You know, clothes

Dear old boy, this bag is absolutely chock-a-block. Help yourself

There you are, something for everyone

This is fine for you, Honey Talk

Look! My school colors

¶ Come landlord fill the flowing bowl until it doth run over ¶

¶ For tonight we'll merry, merry be ¶

¶ Tomorrow we'll be sober ¶

Well, not a bad-looking hotel for a one horse town

And there's the one horse

Gee, she's a pretty one

forget the horse and help me with Bertie and the bags

I'll be right back

Oh, Admiral, you mind helping me with my friend?

He's a little under the weather

Is he carsick?

Yeah, he's been drinking gasoline

Now just grab his legs

That's it. Here, I'll put him in your arms

Watch it

Now, take it easy with him, Commodore

That's the famous Bertie Searles

Take him straight up to his room

I beg your pardon, but Well

Did I understand you to say

Shh. Don't say a word Not a sound

No one ever heard the Mona Lisa speak

Venus de Milo doesn't talk

And you're a work of art

So just stand there and let the patron of the arts patronize you

I heard you tell the doorman that was Bertie Searles

I was just going to check on his arrival

Who are you?

Who am I?

I'm Romeo and you're Juliet

Climb down, Romeo Wrong balcony

I'm the owner of My Sheba Mr. Searles is in my employ

You're Phyllis Leigh? Yes

Well, I'm sorry I beg your pardon. I'm

I'm H.T. Nelson, Bertie's American agent

I'm very glad to know you, Miss Leigh

I didn't know he had an agent here

We dealt with each other direct, on the transatlantic phone

Well, that's because I was out of town

Jamaica, the island, not the race track

But don't you worry about Bertie

He'll be all right Little carsick

that's too bad

But that's enough about us, let's talk about you

Shall we say over a chocolate sundae?

I have to get back to the house

Well, let me drive you there

I have my car right here

Well, I'll take you to it

Now, you leave everything to me

Soon as we check in the hotel, I'll get Bertie sober

Back on his feet, then we'll get together

and have a nice talk and straighten everything out

Suppose I call you in an hour?

I'll be waiting

Bye, Mr. Nelson

Auf Wiedersehen, Miss Leigh

Now, Virge, this Leigh doll doesn't know

what Bertie Searles looks like

And it's just as well

because he's in no condition to meet a doll

who's pinning her hopes on him winning $50,000

Virge, what are you doin'?

Feedin' the moths

You're feedin' what?

I'm feedin' the moths

Nobody ever feeds moths

In a private home there's always something

in the closet for them to munch on

But in a hotel room, they can't even grab a snack

Now, that's enough for you You'll get fat

Sit down

Play with the caterpillar you found and listen to me

Bertie's our pal, he's our benefactor

We gotta help him out

If Miss Leigh sees him in that condition, she'll fire him

Now, wouldn't that be terrible? Awful

there he is

You're not payin' attention

yes I am, but I have to give my caterpillar some grass

Honey Talk, look, my caterpillar

He graduated to a butterfly

Virge, you're not listenin to what I'm tellin' you

I'm listenin'. You don't want Miss Leigh to fire Bertie. I heard

Fly on, fragile-winged thing

Fly up and out

into the gentle zephyrs of springtime

I just made that up Isn't that poetic?

It brings tears to my eyes

Will you sit down before I knock you down?

You wouldn't dare

I wouldn't?

You wouldn't dare hit me

Because you love me too much

I do?

Go on, say it

You wouldn't dare hit me because you love me too much

All right, I love you too much

To what?

I love you too much to hit you

See, I knew it

So sit down before I knock you down

Virge, there's only one way to save Bertie's job for him

When Miss Leigh gets here

somebody else has got to be Bertie Searles

And I suppose you expect me to pretend I'm him

Well, ho-ho and ha That's a jolly notion

You know, I wasn't thinking about you, but since you mentioned it

I mentioned it?

I would like you to know

you're putting words into my mouth and I don't like it

Keep your hands out of there It's very unsanitary

What are you talkin' about?

You're a fine actor

I am?

You can do anything

I could? Sure

Remember last summer, Far Rockaway?

The Little Theater Club?

You were great! I was good

Sensational! Terrific

What did they call you along the beach that summer?

I remember

The John Barrymore of the clam diggers

That's right. You were superb

Yeah, I was

I did Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

You played Romeo

No, Juliet

I had much longer hair then. Remember?

Romeo, O, Romeo

No, like Bertie would do it, with a British accent

By Jove, you're right

Splendid

Wherefore art thou O, Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name

Terrible storm I must notify the Captain

Or, if thou wilt not, be but my sworn love

"And I'll no longer be a Capulet."

Wait there's more

Tis but thy name that is my enemy

Thou art thy

Bertie, don't you think that's enough?

You may be boring Miss Leigh

not at all

You're charming

Wherefore art thou O, Romeo?"

Bertie!

Romeo

I, I, I say, y-you'll have to forgive me, Miss Leigh

but I get so carried away when I do Shakespeare, you know?

Why, that was beautiful, Mr. Searles

I say, you're quite nice

I hope you get along with My Sheba

as well as you do with Shakespeare

Bertie's the greatest rider to ever straddle a horse

I say, my good man, I never saddle me horses

I have a stable boy do that

That's straddle, not saddle There's an "r" in it

I say, by Jove you're right, sir

An "r" in it, then we should have tea and oysters

That's a pun, you know. Oysters, "r" in season, "t."

You're not laughing, Miss Leigh

I was thinking about

You were thinking? Oh, you colony folks

still thinking about the tea tariff, I suppose

Which reminds me, I say the lady's run out, Nelson

Let's be a little more hosty here What do you say?

Oh, I'm awfully sorry Please forgive me

I'll never travel on this line again

Those kids are dancin up there again

I say, be quiet up there

They're very noisy neighbors

Sweet? Well, yes

Don't tickle, Bertie

I'm awfully sorry

So accustomed to feeding horses, don't you know?

Mr. Searles, I hope you realize

the importance of Saturday's race to me

Naturally

Marshall Preston's our only real competition

That's why I simply had to get the best for My Sheba

You know my life depends on this race, Mr. Nelson

Mine, too, Miss Leigh

W-Well, keep a stiff upper lip, both of you

chins high and all that sort of rot

When Bertie Searles plays the game, he plays it to win

Well, I must be off

I've got to dash off a few notes to my pater

Your what? That's mother, you know

be at it, be at it

Toodle-loo

Very close family ties

Isn't he rather... Well, yes

Unusual? Well, aren't we all?

What I mean is

Well, you're unusual

You're not, Mr. Nelson

wait till you get to know me better

Every now and then I get a feeling right in the... Right here

We really should be going, Mr. Nelson

We?

Well, Mr. Searles and I, to get him acquainted with My Sheba

Will you call him, please?

Oh, there's time for that later

I'd much rather wait till he settles down

Oh, I hope he'll be settled in time for the ball tonight

Ball?

At the Hunt Club, in the Poojah's honor

Does Mr. Searles know about the Poojah?

Oh, he knows all about the Poojah

He's expected to be there

Well, we'll both be there

Good. But don't you bother looking for me

cause I'll be the friendly fellow you'll be dancing with

well, that should be a very interesting dance combination

you, me and Marsh Preston

You'd be much better off taking My Sheba out of the race

Let me win, then marry me and half the money is yours

No, thanks, Marsh, I prefer winning all of it for myself

Even if it means losing me?

Particularly

Again?

Again

Can't you find someone else to dance with?

Is that a suggestion or a proposition?

Go chat with Bertie, Mr. Preston

Pick up a few pointers on ridin'

Frightfully nice club you have here, frightfully

I say, but it is a bit dusty, what?

Dusty? Heavens, it can't be dusty

It can't? I say

Oh, for heaven's sakes, it's me monocle

How stupid of me

Boy. That is better

How about some punch, Bertie?

I don't mind if I do, sir

As a matter of fact, it makes me feel quite nice

I haven't felt this good since I left London Town

Oh, I say, how is dear old London Town?

I don't know

I beg your pardon, sir

I said, how is dear old London Town?

You know when I was in England

November 21st

Well, it was awfully nice chatting with you, sir

Toodle-loo. Oh, toodle-loo

I say, it was nice having a chat

with a fellow from home again, you know

He is an extraordinary chap, isn't he?

Couldn't understand a word he said

Quite so. Ain't he quaint?

really, Searles

if you'll pardon the correction to your grammar

one doesn't say "ain't . It's "isn't

Isn't he quisn't?

What about My Sheba, Mr. Preston?

I have heard that she is a fine and spirited animal

Yes, Miss Leigh's horse is a threat, Your Worthiness

but I believe I'll win on Sweep Forward

Who is riding the Lady's entry?

Some Englishman she imported

there he is now

With Your Worthiness permission

Mr. Searles! Mr. Searles

hello there, my good man

What was your name again, sir?

Preston, Marshall Preston

charmed, I'm sure

I say, you're one of me rivals in the run on Saturday, eh?

That's right

They tell me when you ride

you ride as if you were a part of the horse

Would that be a compliment, sir?

Your Exalted Worthiness, may I present Bertie Searles

Awfully nice to make your acquaintance, Mr. Poojah

You seem oddly familiar to me, Mr. Searles

You were very familiar

You look quite familiar to me, too, sir

Your Worthiness, this is one reason

I believe I'll win on Saturday

Oh, you're quite sure you're going to win, eh?

You're positive? There is no doubt

I must remember to put a bet on you then

You make me feel as much at home

on a dance floor as on a horse

You ought to spend less time with the horses and more time with me

But you can't win $50,000 for me

You sure about that?

Beg pardon, Nelson, old chap

Mr. Searles, then you do dance?

but definitely

What's wrong with you?

Honey Talk, I can't go on with this Bertie business all night

Well, you gotta

If you get tired, go hide someplace

Where?

Go upstairs, look for your valise

that's an idea! Upstairs

I'll go get my ant colony Toodle-loo

Have you been watchin' that Searles?

He's insane

he's just uninhibited

Are you sure you still want him to ride My Sheba?

Please, don't start that again

Don't start what?

Don't I get one dance tonight?

Mr. Nelson's a guest

Preston, every dog has his day, but the nights are mine

What didn't you want him to start again?

It's nothing It's just that he

Well, let's say he doesn't dance like you do, Mr. Nelson

¶ Here is my casual smile ¶

¶ Playing its part ¶

¶ Keeping the two of us good friends ¶

¶ Here is my cigarette smoke ¶

¶ Hiding my heart ¶

¶ But here's where the masquerade ends ¶

¶ Moments like this ¶

¶ Make me thrill through and through ¶

¶ Careless moments like this ¶

¶ Close to you ¶

¶ Nonchalantly we dine ¶

¶ And we dance ¶

¶ Yet my heart seems to melt ¶

¶ In your glance ¶

¶ Sweet moments like this ¶

¶ With the soft lights aglow ¶

¶ Make me long for your kiss ¶

¶ Though I know ¶

¶ I'd be just one of all ¶

¶ Your affairs ¶

¶ But at moments like this ¶

¶ Who cares ¶

There you are

Leon! I'm here, Leon

There you are, you little rascal

Come on, let's go

Nelson! Where are you, Nelson?

I will not be manhandled by menials

I demand to see the British Consul

Where is the British Consul?

What's this all about?

I am Bertie Searles, dear old boy

and I demand to see my cohort

You're Bertie Searles?

Never mind Bertie Searles I want

This man's an impostor

Who is this alcoholic?

Oh, he's just a drunk I'll... I'll get rid of him

There you are, you little bugger

Oh, I say, Nelson, all's well I found me ants

Oh, there's my other little friend Bertie

Bertie, come back here

This man claims to be you

Now you tell these people he's an impostor

By Jove, Nelson, you're right

He's not me

That's what I said

How can he be you if you're you?

Splendid deduction, Nelson

I'm me and he's he

It's as plain as the nose on me head

See. Now, you people go ahead and dance

and we'll get rid of this drunken nuisance

I'll help you, Nelson Right this way

You're very helpful

I just want a small whiskey

We'll get you a drink, stranger

Will you help me?

I want my whiskey

All right, we'll get you a drink just

But I want it immediately

my ants

Let's get him outside

¶ Come landlord fill the flowing bowl ¶

¶ Until it ¶

Virge, go grab a hack, get him into town

and don't let him out of your sight

¶ Doth run over, Landlord ¶

Nelson

Who was that man?

What did he want and what was he doing here?

Sorry, I can't answer your question, teacher

but I didn't do my homework

I want to talk to you, Nelson

I just talked to you. Now, get your meat hook off my arm

And get your eyes off me, too

You're burning my shoulder pads

You don't belong in Maryland, Nelson You or your friends

You and Mr. Preston seem to be getting on like two strange cats

He's the strangest cat I ever met

you naughty boys, you

Shame on Shame on you

Come back. Come back here

Don't hurt him! Don't hurt

Wait, I'll get it. I'll get it

That's not Leon

I say, Arthur, have you seen Leon?

Leon, see what I go through for you

Now, where are your brothers and sisters?

Strangest dance I ever saw

Get it off me

I've got a little bug biting me

Fellows, it's me, Virgil

Fellas, fellas

Fellas, fellas

It's Virgil

That's a new beat on me, but let's pick it up

Virg... It's Virgil

Well, now we've got the chaser, old man

how about the whiskey?

go away

Are you always a vegetarian, Mr. Searles

or only when you're in training for a race?

he's always a vegetarian

Never eats meats of any kind

Ever since the day in Africa

he was run down by a water buffalo

Horrible experience

yes, disgusting encounter

Is that all you eat, Mr. Searles?

Oh, no. For lunch, I usually take a glass of persimmon juice

some bay leaves and sour cream and a bowl of bloated oaties

that's an English cereal

Right-o. It's the luncheon of champions, you know

As you Americans say, when you douse the little blighters with cream

the cereal snap, crackles and pops

With us it just lies there and groans

More coffee, Miss Leigh? No, thanks

I think we really should get started

My Sheba is waiting for Mr. Searles

Oh, I say, why don't you two just dash ahead

and tell her I'll be a little late?

I'm still terribly hungry

Look, when we get to the barn

if you're still hungry, you can munch on some alfalfa

I say that's a splendid idea

I haven't had any alfalfa since I brunched with the Duchess of Muchess

Look at that poor little dog

Oh! Get the number of that car

There are no more cars, Bertie

by Jove, you're right, sir.

Oh, you were wonderful, Mr. Searles

Thank you, but I think the poor dear is hurt

Is there a veterinarian about?

Well, there's Dr. Claypool down the street

Splendid. But what about My Sheba?

Oh, I'm certain My Sheba is an intelligent animal

but I know a veterinarian will do a much better job

Come on, Mr. Nelson

See you next week.

What can I do for you?

Oh, I think the poor little blighter

has busted her blooming scapula

What? I say, I think

Oh, excuse me. For a minute I thought I was someone else

This way please

Put her down there

I gave her a cursory examination

and from the edematous appearance of the anterolateral surface

of the thoracic region

I suspect a greenstick fracture to scapula

Well, possibly, but not likely

inasmuch as greenstick occurs in young animals

and this dog is more mature

Nurse, don't you think it would be wise

for us to leave the final diagnosis to Dr. Claypool?

Well, I'm Dr. Claypool

this poor thing's in pain

Keep her still while I prepare a sedative

A girl veterinarian Isn't that very unusual?

What's so unusual?

Women can do anything men can do and have babies besides

Uh, hold the leg still, would you, please?

This is an anesthetic that'll allow me to work without pain to the patient

Doctor, my name is Virgil Yokum and I come from Brooklyn

and I'm in love with you

don't misunderstand

I'm in love with Dr. Capulet, too

Well, who is she?

Oh, she's a he, in Brooklyn

He's 70 years old

He's also a veterinarian I'm his intern

Oh, well, that explains the near accuracy of your diagnosis

The patient has got a fractured scapula

but it's comminuted not greenstick

I love anybody who devotes his life

to taking care of dumb animals

Or her life, as the case may be

And, boy, do I have a case

I... I don't have any help

so you can give me a hand with the splints

I'd love to

I like to work with you, Doc, a lot better than Dr. Capulet

You're a girl

I could tell that right off from the way your uniform fits

I wonder what could be keeping Mr. Searles?

The morning's practically gone

there's plenty of time

The race isn't until Saturday

Gee, Autumn, I wish you'd let me pay you

She's not your dog

Yes, I know, but if you're not gonna accept fees

you're not gonna have enough money to build that new hospital

Look, you keep that, Virgil, and bet it on My Sheba

so you can complete your studies for a D.V.M

It's a gratifying degree to have

The least you could do is let me take you to dinner tonight

I never took a girl doctor out before

I never took out a girl before

You haven't completed any of your studies yet, have you?

There are some I haven't started yet

So do me something

Will you, please, have dinner with me?

But I'm a catchpenny date. No steaks

I'm a vegetarian

Autumn, you're kidding

The girl of my dreams

A vegetarian veterinarian

You don't seem to understand

The Gold Vase means more than just the $50,000 first money

The Poojah's going to buy the winning horse

that could add up to a lot of loot

Maybe as high as $100,000

Hundred thousand biscuits

Maybe you can't take it with you

but with all that loot you could sure go in style

By the time I pay off a few

Mr. Searles, what happened?

Oh, I had a wee bit of an accident

Is it broken?

no, just sprained But I couldn't ride

dear! What

Now, now don't you get upset, Miss Leigh

I'll take care of his arm

You drive us to the Cornflower

Yeah, the Cornflower

What are we gonna do?

Now, don't you worry about it, Miss Leigh

By Saturday, Bertie Searles will be on My Sheba

Well, that's Saturday What about today?

You and Sheba have to work out

Oh, tell the old girl to start without me, eh?

Honey Talk.

You know that Autumn's the nicest girl I ever met

Forget Autumn. Where's Bertie?

I put him out on the window sill to get some air

Outside the window

Are you crazy? He's 3 stories off the ground

That's all right. In his condition he couldn't get hurt

Come on, get him in

Thought you sprained your arm

Good trick, huh? Now I don't gotta ride the horse

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

No. So do me something

You deceived me You resorted to subterfuge

You're not trustworthy

I'm not trustworthy?

Look who's talkin I'm not trustworthy?

And just who was the man who conceived the idea

of introducing this poor innocent child

as the Honorable Bertie Searles?

Happy to meet you

We met

And it certainly wasn't my idea to pretend to be him

Look, I'm gonna level with you, kid I'm on a spot

I brought you down here

so you could help me fix My Sheba so she won't run

She won't run Now, wait, hear me out

Jumbo Schneide

Will you wait a minute?

I'm in hock to him and he wants Preston's horse to win

My own cousin involved with gangsters

Wait a minute I just can't believe it

Will you I'm nonplussed

My plus has never been so nonned

It's just one of those I don't even wanna talk to you, Honey Talk

You and I are through

And furthermore, I'm gonna see Miss Leigh

see, and I'm gonna tell her all about it

Will you wait a minute?

You're not goin' anywhere

Jumbo Schneider plays a rough game

But I'm worried about my hide

You're always worried about you

Well, nobody else worries about me

Maybe they would, if you wouldn't worry about yourself so much

Don't tell me how to run my life

Yeah? Well, I'm gettin' sick of it, do you understand? Sick, sick, sick

And I'm gonna tell Miss Leigh and everybody

You're not tellin'nobody nothin'

And you better behave sensibly, too

Get out of here before I clobber you

Well, to succeed you have to fight sometimes, Virgil

you're right

Do you know that once in school there was a bully, see?

He didn't like me and I didn't like him

So, you know what I did?

One time I dared him to knock a chip off my shoulder

and, five minutes later, the chip was still there

Well, you see?

But my shoulder was gone

Gee, Autumn, I'm glad you made this catchpenny date with me

What's this?

My new hospital site. Come on

Well, what do you think?

Is this all yours?

the plans have already been drawn, too

This'l be the entrance Well, come on

This'l be the reception area

The carpets are dirty

Virgil. And the office

and the the operating room and examining room

Why don't you step into my office?

Sit down

Virgil, you're you're on the end table

I'm sorry

You can sit on the desk until the chairs come

as I said before, I don't expect to run the clinic alone

I'll need a partner

I'll want one

When will you be wanting one?

As soon as I'm ready to build

When will you be ready?

I'm getting a bank loan of $10,000

and My Sheba'll win the rest for me

My Sheba?

I bet everything on her

Autumn, don't bet on My Sheba

I already have

After all you've told me, in a sense, I'm betting on you

Me?

I'd bet on anybody

who'd do what you did for that poor little dog this morning

You really mean that?

I may be an animal doctor, Virgil

but I know something about people, too

Right now, Doc, I feel more like an animal

that was wonderful

And you're so virile

No, I'm Virgil

It kind of frightened me, too

I liked it Really, I did

Me, too That's what frightened me

do you think you'd like to be my partner?

Honey Talk or no Honey Talk

I'm gonna go get Bertie Searles

and have him meet My Sheba right now

And she's gonna win for us

For us

Autumn Claypool and Virgil Yokum

the Mayo brothers of the animal world

Come on, let's go

I'll bet Honey Talk isn't havin' as good a time tonight as I am

Wouldn't life be wonderful if we had no cares?

You mean you have troubles?

Believe it or not, but all this land where the club is

used to be part of our estate

There were thousands of acres out there

But I guess we Leighs aren't very good business people

cause every generation seemed to have lost something

I'm the last of the Leighs

My 50 acres over there is the last of our estate

As long as you go with it

it's still worth a king's ransom

The house, the barn, My Sheba

that's about all there is

If we don't win that race Saturday, there won't be that

You mean the old homestead's got a plaster on it?

Plaster?

The place is mortgaged

Not quite that melodramatic

But I am in debt up to here

When I was a kid, I remember a story about Rumpelstiltskin

He spun straw into gold

I got a feelin' old Rumpy's still around

There's nothing subtle about you, is there, Mr. Nelson?

subtlety's for citizens with lots of time

What's your hurry?

Never mind that Just ask me if I'm happy

Nobody ever asked me before

Are you happy?

You really want to know?

I'm miserable

All my life I've been on a trot

searching for a shortcut to happiness

And just when I figure I'm in a winner's circle

I'm fingered by fate

Well, haven't you heard?

There's no such thing as happiness

We just have to be happy without it

Don't you hit me, Herman "Honey Talk" Nelson

I'm not gonna hit you You're not?

No, I wanna apologize for losing my temper before

You do?

And I want to make it up to you

So go ahead and hit me right square on the jaw

Oh, I couldn't do that, you're my favorite cousin

Slam one in there I deserve it. Hit me

You want me to?

I couldn't do that, I'd hurt my hand

Will you shake?

Sure. Shake

No, not that way

well, I got something to do

No, I wanna talk to you

No, I'll only be a minute

I just want to talk to you

Some other time. Will you listen to me just a second?

Now, something's happened to me

Something awful and beautiful

What?

A doll has busted up the romance I've been having with myself

Miss Leigh? There must be something in the air down here

Yeah, and it all started with what you said, I guess

About thinkin' of other people for a change

And I've been thinkin' about Phyllis

and she's got to win that race Saturday

Do you really mean that, Honey Talk?

I'm as level as a cop's arch

And I'm for getting Bertie out to meet My Sheba right now

I knew you'd do the handsome thing, Honey Talk

After all, we're cousins. My mother and your mother were mothers

Well, of course they were

Well, that means we both have Fendelshissle blood in our veins

And we gotta keep it there

Come on, we'll get Bertie

Get him. Come on now, into the shower

Into the shower. We're goin' horseback riding

I got him I got him, Honey Talk

Horses in the shower? That's very odd

All right. I got him

It's the middle of the night, old chap

Racing's the sport of kings, not owls

It's the horse's fault

She can't sleep before a big race

And she wants to meet you

Leigh estate, driver

Hey, wake up

Get me to the Leigh estate

Aren't you going overboard rather quickly

for a man you hardly know?

One kiss in the moonlight hardly means a romance

And besides, what right do you have to follow me?

It was purely accidental that I saw you

but it was lucky for you that I did

I did some checking up on your Mr. Nelson

The man is no good He's a racetrack gambler

And your gentleman rider is neither a rider nor a gentleman

You're lying and I don't want to hear any more

You can find your own way out I'm going to bed

Why? You won't go to sleep

Now, let's have a sensible talk

and I'll show you how to be a Leigh

and a smart businesswoman beside

So that's My Sheba

Well, well, old girl, we meet at last

Say, old boy, she's a bit antisocial, isn't she?

If you ask me, I'd say she's downright mean

Here, horsie Nice horsie. Pretty horsie

She looks like an old civics teacher I once had

Is that so?

She's very sociable

Come on in and get acquainted

Yes, of course

I say, she's about as sociable as Attila the Hun

That's not very nice, you naughty girl

Well, maybe Virgil ought to take her out of the stall

No, no, old man If I am going to ride her

I must show her who is master

Stand back, please

See? Use the psychological approach

Don't you hurt her now

I won't

I still think you're foolish to enter My Sheba in the race

Now, why don't you listen to reason?

Someone's in the barn

Are you hurt?

I hate to say this, old boy

but I don't think she likes me

I wouldn't say that

Well, I'll go bring her out

Then you can show her who's master

Don't hurry, old man

You should be ashamed of yourself

You are not conducting yourself like a lady at all

Now, you behave yourself and simmer down

this is a real crazy horse

Somebody must have been spikin' her oats

No, she's a nice horse

Now, the little man's not gonna hurt you

The little man just wants to ride you

The little man just wants to break the big horse's neck

Shh. She understands Mr. Nelson

What did I tell you?

What's he doin' here?

As inappropriate a question from you, Nelson, as I can imagine.

Who are these people?

I say, fancy meeting you here, sir

you sound like my Uncle George

That chap, the drunk who crashed the ball

I don't think we've met

What's going on here, Nelson?

What are you doing in my barn after midnight?

Well, I wanted Bertie to meet My Sheba Well, you see, Miss

I want a direct answer from you, Mr. Searles

Well, the chaps just wanted me to meet the horse

Will you answer me?

Are you or are you not the person

you represent yourself as being?

The truth? Of course, the truth

I'll answer that And the answer is no

He told the truth

Yes, it's the truth I'm a phony, he's a phony

And I'm confused. Shut up

I mean, I was a phony

Thank you, Mr. Nelson

At least you're honest about your dishonesty

Oh, yes, he's honest now, Miss Leigh, on account of you

Are you quite satisfied, Phyllis?

you shut up, too

I'm leveling with you, Phyllis You can win that race

Sure, because I'm not gonna ride the horse

I got a confession to make, too

I'm not Bertie Searles. He is

How do you do?

And he's gonna ride to win

Not me, old boy

I am not riding any bucking bronco

I'm a gentleman rider, and I only ride gentleman horses

Is that quite clear?

never mind him He'll ride, honey

He's got to

Because I'm in love with you, Phyllis

Phyllis

If you love the lady so much, Nelson, why don't you ride her horse?

I'll take care of you later

He can hurt you

But I'm betting on you

I hear you, Honey Talk

and I don't enjoy the conversation

And unless you are honey talkin' this doll

which somewhat I doubt

you are headin' yourself for a massive funeral

Thanks, and kindly omit the flowers

Doesn't look too good. No

I think it proper maybe what I should call Mr. Jumbo Schneider

Come with me

Phyllis! Let me in, Phyllis

Locked out?

No, she's locked in

Well, there's a light on around the house That might be her room

Maybe you can get her to come out

fat chance

Why don't you do what Rudolph Valentino did in that movie?

What movie?

That one where he was half nuts

I don't know what the other half was, though

Anyhow, he's walking on the street one day, see?

And it's raining, and he comes across this puddle

and there stands a girl

Well, I think it was a girl

Well, if it wasn't a girl it was the prettiest boy you ever saw

All right, get to the point

I'm getting to the point

So, you see, he sees this pretty girl

and she's trying to go across the puddle. See?

So Rudy takes off his jacket

and he lays it down and he says

You first, my dear

What'd he say?

You're first, my dear

Besides being polite, he wanted to see how deep the puddle was

What's that got to do with Well, I'm getting to the point

Wait a second. See, he falls madly in love with this poor, drowned girl

Only her father locks her up in her room

so that he can't see her, see?

So you know what he does?

He stands underneath the window and he sings to her

Well, did it work?

Well, I went to get popcorn I don't know what happened

He sang to her? Yeah

It might work if she saw you

She's pretty mad at me

Me? Sing to her? Yes

Why, with my voice, if I ever sang The Star Spangled Banner

they'd arrest me for being an enemy agent. No

No, you don't have to sing

I'll go around the corner All you do is move your lips

And you'll sing. Right

And she'll think it's me

No! Just move your lips I'll sing

what're we gonna sing?

What they're playin is good enough

¶ Are the stars out tonight? ¶

¶ I don't know if it's cloudy or bright ¶

¶ 'Cause I only have eyes ¶

¶ For you, dear ¶

¶ The moon may be high ¶

¶ But I can't see a thing in the sky ¶

¶ 'Cause I only have eyes ¶

¶ For you ¶

¶ I don't know if we're in a garden ¶

¶ Or on a crowded avenue ¶

¶ You are here ¶

¶ So am I ¶

¶ Maybe millions of people go by ¶

¶ But they all disappear ¶

¶ From view ¶

¶ And I only have eyes ¶

¶ For ¶

Now, lie down

Now, we're ready to begin our exercises

First, bring your right leg over your left leg

Your right leg over your left leg

There, isn't that comfy?

Now, wrap your left foot around your right foot

Good. Now that is comfortable, isn't it?

Now, quickly bring both knees up to your chin

Oops! I'm terribly sorry

And now, this next exercise is very good for the hair

Put both hands behind your head

Now place your head through the left hole

Through the left hole

Now this should be very comfortable

No, it ain't

Now, this is very important

Roll over on your left side and inhale

Inhale. Hold it. Exhale

Inhale. Exhale

Inhale

And now, our next exercise is wonderful for inducing sleep

And this exercise

I beg your pardon. Exhale

Now to continue

Stop what you're doing and run

Don't walk. Run, run, run

Don't look. Don't listen

The chance of a lifetime

Run quickly, immediately

Move. Don't look back. Run, right away

Run, run to the nearest drugstore

for your package of Restunat

Remember, Restunat is nature spelled sideways

Mattie, bring it over here

What?

¶ You are here ¶

¶ So am I ¶

¶ Maybe millions of people go by ¶

¶ But they all disappear ¶

¶ From view ¶

Honey Talk, I didn't see you any place I was!

And where were you?

Well, the man told me to run and run, and I

you're wet! Yeah, I'm wet

Well, I didn't do it

If you catch a cold, I'll sneeze for you

That's the least I can do

If she'd only give me a chance to talk to her

¶ Come, horsie fill the flowing bowl ¶

I beg your pardon, old boy

¶ Until it doth run over ¶

¶ For tonight, we'll merry, merry be ¶

¶ For ¶

Have another slosh, old girl

Come on, that's right Come have a nice drink

They're drinking They're drunk

That's worse

Oh, hello, fellows Come on in and sit down

This is what I was telling you about, the psychological approach

Now, watch this

You should be ashamed of yourself, Bertie Searles

Contributing to the delinquency of a mare

Don't you know that alcohol and alfalfa don't mix?

But she's my friend now She's an ally

A very, very sympathetic soul

Now we are in trouble

A crocked jock and a bagged nag

Yeah, and they're both loaded

Hello, I should like to place a call

to Mr. Jumbo Schneider in New York

It's Seldom Kid, and it's long distance, too

Somebody better waken the boss

Better try the other

What's the action?

It's the Seldom Seen Kid

Smells like a stink

This better be important

You have wakened Jumbo up

Yeah? Now, give a listen

This Honey Talk is off his crock over the Leigh dame

and I feel a double-cross is building up

Well, Jumbo is coming down there personally

to handle the details

you and Big Midget and Russian Henry go with Jumbo

Pee Wee, pack a bag with a few rods

Grogan the Growler phones for an airplane

Parrot Puss housekeeps while we're gone

We leave for Maryland

Jumbo has got a few races to win

and a few heads to crack

I know Bromo is good for people

but you think it can cure a horse's hangover?

I don't know. I never treated a horse that was drunk

Well, I guess you'd say this horse had too many snorts

Shame on you

Now get up and drink this, you drunkard! Come on

Come on. Now, drink that

Come on, it'll do you good Drink it

I wonder if they take horses in Alcoholics Anonymous

They should, shouldn't they?

Well, that vitamin shot and alkalizer should do the job

If we just keep swabbing her down with cold towels

she ought to be ready for the race

Only I don't know if Bertie will

Hey! Do you think she might

No, she couldn't

Maybe she would?

What?

What are you talking about?

Miss Leigh. Do you think she'll take My Sheba out of the race

on account of what happened last night?

Well, maybe. Look,I'll go up and have a talk with her

You stay here, Virgil

She's wonderful, isn't she?

She's the greatest thing since local anesthetics? No?

Don't be jealous, My Sheba I love you

Sure I do

Well, just so we understand one another

Sure. You're a sweet girl

All right, Bertie. What?

Wake up, come on. Who? When?

Wake up! What for?

Let's go. I know you're alive Where?

You're warm. Who is?

Little air. Little air

That's a boy, another one

Don't you know what day it is?

Today is race day. Race day!

yes, of course, race day

steeplechase.

Attaboy

Are you gonna ride? Oh, yes, I'm gonna ride

Are you gonna ride?

Of course, I'll ride Of course I'll

And you'd better win

Yes, of course, old boy

Now that the horse and I have a common understanding

we cannot fail to win That's a boy

Common understanding Will you excuse me?

No, no, right into the shower But just one moment

And don't get out of it till I get back

I'm gonna get you some black coffee

I'd rather have cocoa

This way, Jumbo

There's the room, here

All right now, first thing you boys

snatch that jockey and hustle him over to the Hunt Club

where Mr. Preston has reserved a suite for me

What about Honey Talk?

I will personally take care of Mr. Nelson and show them that nobody

but nobody, double-shuffles Jumbo Schneider

Short Boy

¶ Till it doth run over me ¶

¶ Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl ¶

¶ Until it doth run over ¶

¶ For tonight we'll ¶

I say, what're you doing in here?

Unhand me, sir! We haven't been introduced

What is the meaning of this invasion?

Who are you?

We are sort of what you might call a reception committee

how delightful

You are going for a ride

I certainly am, sir, and I am going to win

Uh-uh, the kind of ride you are going for the winner don't come home

with a wreath around his neck

he comes home with a lily in his hand

these quaint American customs

Here, get your duds on My duds?

you mean my silks

Silks, schmilks, get them on

Hunt Club? Suite B, please

Jumbo, Preston

Are you sure you've got the right man?

Well, I just ran into Miss Leigh and

What do you mean there's two guys now? What?

All right, Preston Don't boil your water

Pour, pour. Go on

All right. So, just to be safe

we pick up the other citizen, too

Anyway, I ain't got my Honey Talk yet

Get the Seldom Seen Kid and Short Boy

and you two stand on the hall door

Hey! Hey, tell the manager to clam up

on them crummy musicians across the hall

Bertie? No, it's me, Virgil

Where's Bertie? Isn't he here?

No, I went down to get some coffee

and then came back up here, he's gone

where could he be? Miss Leigh's waiting at the track for him

He's gotta be here Don't waste your time

You see that door? I didn't do that

I know you didn't

Short Boy, one of Jumbo's trained apes, did it

And if you ask me, I think they shanghaied Bertie

They can't do that It ain't legal

But, of course not

And that makes me think that Jumbo's down here himself

Well, let's go find Jumbo and bring Bertie back

no! That's like getting tangled up with a meat grinder

But, it's either him or us

Well, I'm worried about Autumn's bet and Miss Leigh

Look, you go down to the track and see if he's there

and I'll call the Leigh estate

If I call you, I found him

Where's Honey Talk?

he went to Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh?

Yeah, his mother's pitching for the Pirates

and he wanted to see the opening game

Oh, by the way, have you gentlemen seen Mr. Searles?

Come with us

Oh, you're very sweet, in a manly sort of way

Okay. Well, just tell her Mr. Nelson called

And if Bertie Searles shows up around there

tell him to call me at the hotel

Virgil

easy. When I'm handled roughly, I break out in a rash

You fellows better not push me around

I'll tell the police on you

When they don't see I'm around

I wish you wouldn't be so impetuous, Yokum

I'm addled enough as it is

Bertie, do you realize we've been kidnapped?

Rather

You know, I never thought I'd get involved with gangsters

Jolly interesting, isn't it?

But Bertie, the race is in a couple of hours

Yes, I've thought of that But you know

a man in my position isn't abducted by gangsters every day

It'll be something to chat about at the club when I get back home

Come here. Come here

I'm gonna finagle things around a little

I want you two guys to go with me

Seldom Seen, you stay in the room

Short Boy, you stay on the door

And after the race, I'm gonna let you have a little workout

Mr. Honey Talk Nelson

This is all silk

Are you certain this idea will work, Yokum?

It's quite a good fit, isn't it?

that's fine

Yeah, this is gonna work all right

Well, I hope so

Well, don't you see, they're trying to keep you from the race?

Yes. Now, if they think I'm you

they'll try and stop me

of course, I see

Now, this is the plan

I'll go out the door and distract them. Yes

Now, while they're busy with me, you run and get away

Oh, I run? Yeah, now let's get set Move this

I've never encountered so many obstacles before a steeplechase

All right, get ready What do I do? Over here?

Yeah, right here. What do I do?

Get set to run On my mark. Yes

You all ready? I'm ready

All right. Here we go. Fine

We haven't got a chance

Perhaps if

It's about time you cuties come out here

I hear there is a harem going on in there

Hey, come here

What happened to Bertie?

I'm fine, but Yokum went to sleep while we were chatting

Someone at the door?

Help me

Gangsters are fun, aren't they?

my arm

What's going on down there?

Come on, let's drag him out

You're tearing off my arm

Jumbo hears about this, he'll tear off your head

All I know is, I opened the door

and I got surrounded by fists

There she is

Do you think you have time to give her a trial run?

Dear old boy, one doesn't run

one's animal before a race

Now, now, old girl, none of that

Let's not start that again

Sheba, Don't you remember me?

I'm your drinking partner

Remember? Last night

Yes, that's the whole trouble, she remembers last night

First call

Virge, you talk to her She loves you. Go ahead

Nice. Nice Sheba. Good girl

Calm down now, sweetie It's me, Virgil

Come on, now take it easy

Everything's gonna be all right, sweetheart

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen

Well, here we are about to start

the $50,000 Gold Vase Steeplechase

And what an exciting day it is

We have a record crowd here, studded with celebrities

I see the Mayor of Tarrytown

Oh, oh. The world-famous Poojah of Bahloop has just come in

with a few of his prettiest wives

Looks pretty healthy for a guy

with all them wives, don't he?

All right, Bertie. Come on

Climb aboard and let's get out of here

But I must change my clothes

Yokum, let me have those silks

Well, wait, you haven't got time

You ain't got time for nothing

Come with us peaceful-like or we start throwing lead

Hot lead! And cold

I say, you chaps, I'm not fair game

I'm here on a visitor's visa

Yes, and he's got a return trip ticket

Help me! Help me

Disarm him! Disarm him I've got him

All right, get over there

Get back now Get back! Get him

Get back. All right now, get back

Move it

The horses are coming out of the paddock

Heading for the starting line

There's Bingo, Sweep Forward, Blue Blaze

Eighteen of the world's greatest thoroughbreds in current competition

are assembled here today

for the season's richest prize

They're at the post now

Well, that's odd, one of the entries seems to be missing

It's 22, the Leigh entry

Where's the Englishman?

All you have to worry about is me

Virgil! What are you doing?

What happened? Call the cops

What happened? Who's he?

He tried to keep Bertie from riding

What? Bertie, Come on

Bertie, get up from there The race is about to start

You gotta get on the horse

I demand to see the British Consul

Bertie, snap out of it The race

Must get into my silks

It's no use. They're at the post already

You do believe I really tried, don't you?

I'll try hard to believe it

I'd better go to the secretary and disqualify the horse

Well, where's Virgil?

Well, what's he doing up there?

Virge! You all right?

Sure, I'm all right

That'll teach them to fool around with Virgil Yokum

Virgil, come back

Anything can happen. They're off

Hey, here comes 22 now

Easy, Sheba

I don't get this

There's the first jump. It's Bingo and Sweep Forward over

Great Arab and Blue Blaze

Whiparound and Gladsome Boy

Here comes My Sheba

It's My Sheba, all right

Who's that rider?

Phyllis

Come on

My Sheba's coming strong

but something's wrong with the rider

Bingo, King Leo and Whiparound pushing hard

We'll take Marshall's car

I better take my ambulance, in case we need it

Now, it's Sweep Forward over

then Bingo, King Leo and Green Demon, all in a bunch

There goes a horse, two together

the rider's hurt, It's Number 8, Eddie Miller

And here comes My Sheba

Come on. make it Make it, please

I can't help it, My Sheba

I'm a natural born pedestrian

So, do me something

Well, I'll try it again

Giddap

Easy, Sheba! Easy

An unorthodox ride, but amazing

Easy, Sheba, easy

Turn around

Turn around

predicting this is still anybody's race

Look at My Sheba come

Hey, it looks to Jumbo like this guy is trying to win a race

If he win a race, he lose his health completely

There goes Clay Fox

The rider's thrown. Sweep Forward and Bingo over neck-in-neck

There goes My Sheba over

Mention that pig's name once more

and Jumbo is personally going to give you a thick lip

If Jumbo couldn't stop you, I will

How do you know about Jumbo?

My Sheba is fighting every foot of the way for victory

She's passed Blue Blaze and is now passing Gladsome Boy

Great Arab moves in to challenge Sweep Forward

but here comes My Sheba

And My Sheba is down again

Are you all right, darling?

Yeah, but I've got a terrible headache in the seat of my pants

Well, can't you ride anymore?

I can't even swim

Well, you don't have to swim Stand up

Autumn, call the cops! Cops?

Yeah, call the cops

Preston's in on a frame-up with Jumbo Schneider

Well, I'll take care of it, but get going

Whoa, boy

Come on. This way, Sheba

Attaboy, Virge

Quick, after him

Stick with it, Virge, stick with it

You can do it, boy

Watch out, Virgil! Jump

Come back, little Sheba

pain, the muscles

Everything hurts

Don't blame me, Sheba She told me to jump

I meant over the fence

Now she tells us Come on, get on

no, we're not gonna break the rules

All right, I'll hurry

Help me

where's your whip?

I didn't have one

Here, take this

What's that?

That's a souvenir I picked up at the Poojah's suite

Come on, get going! Go on

Give me the Police Department

Go ahead, you Arabian beauty, you

Arabian?

I made it, Sheba I didn't fall off

My Sheba and Sweep Forward remain in the race

And there goes My Sheba

It's Sweep Forward by a head and now, by a nose

My Sheba is moving up as they approach the water jump

It's My Sheba and Sweep Forward

I caught you, didn't I?

You phony

You get on that horse and I'll break your leg

Yeah? Well, this is a free country

So do me something

Are you all right, Virge?

Yeah, I'm all right, but I'm sorry

I can't ride anymore, Miss Leigh, I haven't got a horse

But, Preston's on My Sheba

What? He's got my horse?

Wait a minute, what's going on?

I don't think he knows it, but Marshall Preston's on the wrong horse

He's riding My Sheba

And get this, My Sheba's jockey is running along after them

That's my boy

We could still win He's on My Sheba

Stay with him, Virge Stay with him

Please, don't fall off again

Oh, what's the use? If you didn't see it, you wouldn't believe it

We won

Autumn, pain

darling, you're wonderful

Jeez, Autumn People are watching

Well, let them

There's nothing in the rule book

about two riders on one horse

Then My Sheba's the winner

Her jockey was on her at the finish line

You're dead right That's what I say

Make it official. Tell them to post the winner

My Sheba, the winner

Preston, old boy, we're pals, we're buddies

I just want to thank you for helping Virgil win on My Sheba

My Sheba?

I won't stand for this I demand an investigation

You're going to get it Take him away, boys

Come along, Preston. Let's go

I'll file a claim

Virgil, thank you, thank you, thank you

She's very grateful

Congratulations, Miss Leigh

Well, thank you Great ride, sir

Thank you. Have you set the price you want for your horse?

Well, frankly I Have we?

We?

the horse isn't for sale, Your Worthiness

Perhaps in a year or so, Your Highness

will be able to buy one of Sheba's foals

from the Nelson stables

And it'll be healthy, too, Your Worthlessness

Worthiness

I mean, Worthiness

Because it'll be delivered

by Doctor and Mrs. Doctor Virgil Yokum

Sheba. What is it? What?

Tell me more. Who is it?

Sweep Forward?

Well, he's a fine horse, too

Congratulations, My Sheba

you won't have to wait till next year, Mr. Poojah

Next winter you can have a son of My Sheba

What? What?

Yeah, I got it straight from the horse's mouth

I didn't do anything wrong

What do you think about us getting married?

Oh, I can't, Honey Talk I'm gonna marry Autumn

So do me something